Inspiration to Play is in The Air!

Do you feel it? I feel it!

The feeling, in my experience is an influence of creativity. Sparking me to be creative in many ways. Creative with needlework, workout techniques, food, all kinds of different ways.

Maybe it's the changing of the seasons, here.

The season is about to turn from baseball season to football season. As in summer to fall.

Before ya know it, it will be basketball season!

Maybe, the difference for me is that I have acquired a very comfortable recliner to sit and meditate, stitch my needlework creations, etc etc. The cooler temps in Texas can also have something to do with it.

I'm a very imaginative, creative, day-dreamer, playful creature by nature. Always having ideas of possibilities for creative ideas in my thoughts. Often I bring them to fruition.

Sometimes, it's just fun to imagine.

"The creative spirit is the child that survives into adulthood."

Being child like without being child-ish is a wonderful trait to have in my opinion. As in, it works for me. Being playful always is a fun way to live as an adult in a, sometimes, harsh world.

Love to swing on a swing-set, ride a carousel horse, buy a bottle of bubbles to take to the park, giggle at silly little things. It makes life a little sweeter, more worthwhile & just good fun!

Children and animals love me, maybe because they know I love them, too. I can understand them, get to their level to play!

Well behaved children, that is. Bratty children and untrained animals can be more trouble than they are worth!

Sweet children are the best whether boys or girls.

Cuddling kittens & puppies at the animal shelter can be so gratifying.

Now.......go play!

Pedophilia or Who's Perving Who?

The rash of school teachers having sexual & romantic relationships with students, whether underage or not, has been in the news a lot lately.

Guess what?

It's been going on for decades, even, possibly centuries.

Lord Byron, a famed English poet had an ongoing sexual relationship with his Governess.

There are countless more accounts of this.

It's only recently being brought into the light. Receiving attention in a less than positive way. Female teachers having inappropriate relations with male students, male teachers having inappropriate relations with female students.

It's been going on for a long time.

Yes, I have had experience with this sort of thing.

*EXCEPT*

I never, ever did go for it, nor would I EVER go for it.

Yet, the temptation threw itself at me, I strongly resisted.

While working as a substitute teacher in the Junior High and Senior High, I saw, first hand, how bold the male students are.
I also saw, how bold the male students can be if allowed.
I didn't allow it.

This experience gave me an understanding of how a female teacher who is reasonably attractive as well as single or if she is in an unhappy marriage, could fall for the seemingly innocent interactions.
She might be single and feeling a bit lonely, which would make her vulnerable, when a hot male student comes on to her.
I would say the male students know what they are doing 50% of the time, yet, 50% of the time they have much less of an understanding of the repercussions of their actions.
The repercussions will be much more severe for the female teacher if she gives in, plays along or fails to nip it in the bud!

The repercussions will also be slightly psychologically & emotionally damaging to the male student, although, he may not realize it at the time.

I'm a girl, so, I see this from a female perspective.

I have been told I'm very hot looking and look 20 - 25 years younger than I am, chronologically. In excellent shape & excellent health from my clean eating & daily train-hard sweat sessions at the gym. No wrinkles on my face, a positive, happy attitude toward others & life in my heart, always.

In my heart?
I am a simple, sweet, smart, single former farm girl from Michigan. That's how I see myself.

I tried to keep my personal details to myself as much as possible when I was substitute teaching. The students are excellent sleuths. They found out that I am single and the slight flirtatiousness increased from the male students.
I nipped it as best I could without being a bitch to them.

During the time I was substitute teaching, a few of the male students tried to get my phone number, tried to give me theirs. Tried, I say.
A few of them tried to get me to meet them somewhere after school or for me to let them come to my home.
Nope.
That would NEVER happen.

All of this gave me an understanding of how so many female teachers, full time, substitute or any school role, could be so disarmed by the boldness of the male students.
The male students are so charming, so disarming in their naivete, so flattering with the way they take an interest in the female teachers & substitute teachers.
It's a refreshing approach from the methods of more skilled guys out there, who are over 18, who are so skilled at playing with a girls feelings. So skilled at manipulating her when she is stupid enough to fall for whatever his agenda is for her.

The male students have no idea what fire they are playing with, nor do they realize how much ruin it can bring to a female teacher if she goes along with what he has in mind.

The temptation is there if she is vulnerable.

I am a stronger person when it comes to male manipulation. I have seen waaaay to much combat in the war zone that is the dating world, today. 
I know how to resist.
I know how to see through the BS of the married males.
The BS of the players.
The trapping of hidden agendas.

Many of these female teachers seem to believe themselves immune to the charms of a hot looking, bold, male student. Many seem to believe that it's okay to engage in a little dalliance.
Guess what?
IT'S WRONG!
WRONG!
WRONG!

When I was substitute teaching in the HS, a male student, whose mother I see at the gym, had changed her cell number, gave me his mothers new cell number.
A female student, who didn't like me, went straight to the Admin Office, told them I was accepting the phone numbers of male students.
WHAT A FRKN INSULT!
The very thing I was so against, so resistant to, was what I was accused of, tried, convicted, without even a conversation.
It sucks.
That was the end of my days as a substitute teacher.

Sometimes, I believe that I had that experience to gain understanding of the female teachers who did give in to the flirting, the flattery. Their vulnerability to the attention.

Ahh, yes, all good things, my friends.

I subbed, I learned, gained understanding.......then
reported the school administration to the Texas Board of Labor as well as the Texas Board of Educators.
Yup. Ha ha.

Out with a *BANG*!!!!!!!

Luck at the Library!

Libraries seem to be lucky spots for me.

Oh, I love books, books on CD, magazines I don't have to dispose of. The internet connection is faster at the library.

For me?

The library seems to be a hotspot for meeting guys.

Weird, hmm?

A few cases in point.

Before I moved to Texas, I was at the Library on the Air Force base. I was all enthused about some new needlework patterns I had found online that were free! I was genuinely in my own world, very excited, happy, etc. 

Dude next to me, leaned over, asked if I was looking at PORN!

That's how it started.

He got my email address, emailed me so we could "talk" without disturbing the other library patrons. We emailed back & forth, it was fun! Less intrusive than giving him my phone number.

He started to go into the sexual realm....ugh. Not a gentleman.

I left.

The next time I saw him, at the library, he emailed me, apologizing.

I left, again, he followed me out, we talked for a few minutes. He apologized in person. I was still skeptical.

After 2 weeks of "cooling off" time, he emailed me, again. 

I waited until I saw him at the library, again.

He was more "in check", well mannered.

He asked if I was single, we started seeing each other, I let him know I was going to be moving in 3 months. He was cool with it.

We spent some fun times together until I moved to Texas.

4 months after moving to Texas, my SF guy was out of country, told me that he didn't want me to be lonely while he was gone. I was at the town library one morning, when a guy at one of the computers, seemed to be having a bit of trouble figuring things out. Yeah, right, I didn't believe it, either.

He was around 30 yrs of age, hot looking, in a rugged cowboy sort of way. Clean, nice smile, smelled lean!

He asked me for help, printing some documents, I helped him. Then, he asked me if I would tell him where a decent place to eat, in town, was. Then, he asked me to eat dinner with him.

Why not?

We spent a bit of time together.

My SF, "T" wasn't due back for another 4 months.

I'm a faithful type of woman, but, I did kiss the cowboy a couple times. *smile* "T" probably did much more than that when out of state, so, we had an understanding, he was cool with it though I could tell, he wasn't real happy about it. Awww.

Cowboy and I kissed a couple times in vertical. He shocked me one night by asking me if I would run off to Las Vegas with him!

Whoaaaaaa, Cowboy!

He left town a week later.

I'm at the library, today.

A guy sat down, next to me, just 10 minutes ago, OMG! I can smell the testosterone just ROLLING off of him!

He keeps looking over at me as I type, smiling. I'm pretending not to notice.

"Hey! Sweetheart! Are you single?" he says.

I looked over at him, smiled.

I know trouble, when I see him.

*Stay Tuned*

8/30/2016

Update

He was charming, funny, he was also only in town for 3 days, lol. Yup, ha ha! I knew trouble when I saw it.

We talked, flirted a little. Just a brief diversion.

Am not looking at all. 
Have been single by choice for 10 years. 
Celibate since August 2012.

I like my peaceful life with my passion channeled into fitness, fitness practices, self improvement.

Am very happy, easy to please. Simple things make me happy.

*Peace Out*

Focus & Purpose

Huh? Whaaaaat's thaaaat?

According to many psychology experts as well as a handful of life coaches & male dating seminar teachers who teach girls about guys ~ this is primarily a male necessity. Focus & purpose.
As in, a guy has to have a purpose in life such as a job or a lucrative source that gives him status, to feel good. He needs to focus on his purpose to feel happy, secure, fulfilled in his life.

Again:

He needs to focus on that to feel well, normal, happy, fulfilled. 

When his connections, mainly his relationship with the girl in his life starts to get serious, he does the fight or flight.When he's not mature enough to deal with having a relationship with a girl, he will "ghost" on her i.e. disappear or he will create conflict with her or sometimes tell her what every woman in love with one of these man-boys loves to hear ~ 
I don't want a relationship or 
I'm not ready for a relationship or
Any excuse he concocts will do in order to justify to himself

The truth? He's too immature to handle it. At any chronological age, this can be the case. 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s and so on.

This is how a girl knows, he wasn't mature enough to be able to handle anything real or worthwhile with her.

A guy who is emotionally & mentally mature will not enter into a dating situation until he is in his purpose enough to handle it. Sometimes, he isn't where he wants to be in his purpose so, he holds off dating until he is strong enough in his purpose to be able to focus on his purpose as well as be able to shift his focus back & forth from a relationship with *her* then back to his purpose.

*FOCUS SHIFT*

This is simply my hypothesis, yet, it seems that testosterone levels play a role in this. Guys who are higher in testosterone tend to be more driven in their purpose, they achieve it earlier in life. Sometimes, they hold off dating until they have achieved their source of purpose.  
They attract girls more, so, they tend to be ready for marriage at an earlier age or wait until later to avoid breaking too many hearts.
Testosterone.
Ahh, yes, love it. It has a scent.
Early on in life, I could identify the scent.
Go into any wood floor sports bar, male dominated home or even the bachelor pad of a single guy with high testosterone. You will be able to catch the scent of it, sometimes, even in his car.

Personally?

I love the scent of testosterone. Yes, sir, YES, I love it!

Being a girl with higher testosterone, sometimes, I even catch the scent of it on myself. After a sweat sesh at the gym, usually.

So, with all this said, is it any shock that I have to have focus & purpose to feel good about life?

Working from home online is less than a dream job for me,yet, I'm so good at it! I needed MORE of a focus, MORE of a purpose. A few years ago, as a porky individual, I decided to make it my own personal focus, my own purpose that drives me, to get into the best physical condition I could possibly be in.
The gym, anything fitness & nutrition related became my purpose, my focus. 
Anyone who has ever been morbidly obese as I WAS, can understand how difficult it is to work your body back into healthy, lean, toned condition.
No surgery.
No pills.
Making changes to see changes.

For nearly the past month, I had to focus on moving. For nearly the past month I also chose to focus on helping a few people who needed my help. I chose it. Compassion & kindness are important.

Now?

I'm back to purpose & focus!

My fitness goals only slightly stalled while I was focusing more of my time & energy elsewhere. They stalled a bit, yet, I still made slight progress.
Yesterday, I was back at it, FULL FORCE!
I arrived at the gym looking cute, I left looking messy & smelling like, yup! ha ha! TESTOSTERONE!

I'm back to it.

Back to my focus, back to my purpose.

Fitness rocks!

So do you!

L8erz!

Prisoners

There are, still, believe it or not, thousands, even millions of prisoners. They may or may not have been captured by the enemy.
They may or may not reside within prison walls or live in prison camps.
Most of these prisoners reside in places that have nicely furnished rooms. Beautiful residences filled with state of the art gadgetry. Wide screen TVs, beautiful kitchens with well stocked refrigerators, pantries.

These prisoners walk amongst us. Many are working, going to cinemas, shopping malls, working out at gyms, fighting rush hour traffic.

Many of these prisoners seem to be unaware of their constricted status. They seem reasonably happy. This brings to mind the flik - The Matrix -that may seem a bit extreme.

The prison sentences are self imposed. They are inexplicably tied to their captors, willingly, hypnotized, experiencing slight anxiety when their proverbial shackle is misplaced.

A device of imprisonment, separating prisoners from loved ones as well as sometimes life, itself.

The device is like a prison, isn't it ironic that it's known as a "cell phone"?

My Heart, My Wish

My heart beats strong steady and true
Life goes on
Without you

Looking up into the starlit night sky
Promising myself
I will not cry

I wish upon every falling star
As cliché as this is
To be where you are

No matter where I may roam
Wherever you are
Feels like home

You gave your all your very best
You gave me memories
Of my head on your chest

My heart still beats even without you
My everything
My steady and true

Black & Red

Power colors.

After participating in a study regarding women with higher testosterone, in 2009, this was brought to my attention. Having liked this color combo for awhile, it was very telling as to why.

Think about it for a moment please. Red is passion, energy, joy, speed, life! Black is mystery, power, covertness, serious. It's a great combo, n'est ce pas? 

Today, I'm wearing black and red. Red & black geometric yoga pants, a black & red microfiber T shirt. They don't exactly match, yet, it works!

I was feeling quite powerless yesterday due to a series of events. Out of the blue, totally unexpected, a friend, a TRUE friend, gifted a large sum of cash to me.

Not a loan, nope, a gift.

I was so shocked!

Handling this boom as frugally as I can, I will be grateful. It was very recent when I was flush with cash and did some awesome things for a few people anonymously. Just because.

So ~ THANK YOU! My friend, you know who you are. That's true friendship, real love!

I slept a long time last night. A deep, restful sleep with many sensual dreams. 

My other life. LOL! 

It happens from time to time. More often as my body becomes stronger, more lean.

Today?

I intend to hit the gym like a storm, hit it hard!

L8ers!

Workin' !!! Workin' !!!

I hear many people say they are working their butt off or the more common, working their a** off. lol. Have to keep it clean.

Personally?

When I hit the Sweat Shop aka Gym, I'm working my belly off!

For a few years, now, I have been working on my fitness level. Working to get back to the fitness level I was at before the misery of a bad marriage & giving birth to 4 babies.

It CAN be done naturally, I'm living proof.

Delayed gratification!

Many hours of hard work, *EATING CLEAN*, sweat, pain, mind games with myself, sexy music, changing it up, getiing enough sleep, finding every little reason to be happy. Yupp!!

When my fitness level hits a plateau, that's my body, telling me to change it up. Change up my fitness methods, possibly change up eating and/or more frequent intermittent fasting.

Recently, I found 2 YouTube channels that are crazy good for my abs & glutes!

Boho Beautiful
Passion 4 Profession

Amazing shizz!
The first is a Yin Yoga channel, the second is very simple 8 - 12 minute workouts focusing on specific areas such as abs, glutes, legs, etc. Very effective! Leaves me very sore.

No sorey, no glory! That's a quote, by me.  :)

Having been working at this for awhile, my ab muscles are finally starting to show. Just starting. 
My obliques are definitely more toned. 
BMI is lowering which means I'm becoming more lean.
Which means the body shaming by Ms Duckface at the Vision Center, ex Huzz, 2nd daughter, Mr 2012, they can all kiss my bunzofsteel boo-tay.
Wait....if I allow them to kiss it, they might like it, I might NEVER get rid of them.
Cancel that.

From my workouts, I can feel new muscle developing in my lower back, quads & hammies. 
Awesomeness!!!!!
While moving, I happened to "find" photos of myself from 2015.
What a huge difference!
Little by little, one workout at a time, the body responds!

If you have started a fitness practice? Cleaning up your eating habits? Daily exercise for at least 1 hour? Leaving the ranks of the obese population?
I commend you!

If you're ready to start?

GO!

L'amour!

What I'm going to tell you is far from being a secret.

*SMILE*

I love ....love....triple love ~ romance!

To moi?

Romance is the sweetest part of life. That delicate soft gift I give to myself. It makes me happy.

Beautiful music that evokes feelings of sweetness and light-heartedness. Oh, do you want examples?

All of Me ~ John Legend

That's When I Knew ~ Alicia Keys

Love Me Like You Do ~ Ellie Goulding

Jealous of The Angels ~ Jenn Bostic

Christie Lee ~ Billy Joel

Those beautiful sound candies just do it for me, make me happy!

What else?

I have a candle that smells like a man! It has a proper name, I call it my "man candle". 

I burn it when I want to feel the presence of a man in my home, in my bedroom, lying on my bed, dreaming!

Water. I love water in any form. Taking a warm shower with a couple drops of lavender oil, a couple drops of jasmine oil thrown in the shower, it's heavenly. Makes me feel good!

Something uber simple? Step outside at 12 noon on a warm day. Turning your face to the sun just to feel the sunshine on your face. Get your Vit D!

Find ways to romance yourself, keep yourself in bliss. Doing this all the time, every day makes a difference.

I'm easy to please & happy most of the time.

Go!

Get some happiness!

L8ers!

Desired Conveyance

This is simply about something I wish I could give to every single girl in the world. As in, all girls who are single.

Yes, that sounds a bit biased & maybe it is. 

However, I'm on Team Girl and I don't switch teams. :).  Plus, having a deeper understanding of what it's like to go through what other girls go through, I would wish to give this to them.

Guys, love ya! Love ya bunches & bunches. 

Hearing the anguish over and over from single girls who JUST WANT A MAN IN HER LIFE!!! WHERE IS HEEEEEEEEEE!

This hurts my heart, just a little. While I don't feel the same as they do, I remember a time when I did.

Many dating experts, counselors, psychologists say that:

Girls are hard wired to want to be in a relationship with a guy

Guys are hard wired to seek out sex, sex, more sex! Gimme!

So, I hear from these girls:

No man will ever love me

I'm not pretty enough to attract a guy

I'm not skinny enough ...to...attract....a guy.

It's as if they feel they must be dam near perfect to deserve to be loved. These girls believe they must be deficient and defective in some way since they don't have a guy in their lives.

Well, guys with the sperm spreader mentality give this message to girls a lot. Not all guys, not all the time. Yet, a lot.

That is, the guys who are only out to get laid will do the "disqualifying" of the girl to avoid getting involved with her.

Guess what?

The guys aren't exactly premium stud flesh, either, yet, many of these girls would accept them, warts & all just as the guy is. 

Remembering back to my mindset right after divorcing. I felt & thought the way these girls, do. The only difference is that I have more self confidence, liked myself more than most girls do. Also, Having been married, having had children, my bio clock was switched off.

Also, I was the one who didn't want to be married any longer due to the extreme verbal abuse & emotional abuse from ex spouse. It was my choice to become single again. That made a difference.

Still, after becoming single & free once again, I was out there dating constantly, just as I had before marrying.

Dating was rather unpleasant.

It had changed since I had been single, for the worse! LOL!

Even with my self confidence, it rattled me a bit, at times made me feel unworthy of love. Unworthy of the love of a man.

If the man in my life had not died, he and I would probably be married with 1 or 2 adorable little cookie crunchers.

It turned out differently than I had anticipated. 

FYI ~ I didn't know his feelings for me until a month after my divorce was final. I left the marriage for my own sanity.

After taking time to recover, I got back out on the dating scene.

UGH!

One characteristic of my personality is that if something is not working or is more trouble than it's worth, I abandon whatever it is. Sticking to what works for me, what is bringing me fulfillment, success, happiness is my MO.

I had gotten my heart badly broken a few times, yet, I would pick myself up, get back out there.

In 2012, I experienced the most devastating of heartbreak.

That was it for me.

While I still loved guys, while I still believed in love, romance, still believed there are good guys in the world. 

I stopped dating.

Oh, there is the occasional date, yet, it's rare, by my own choosing.

What have I found?

By focusing on myself, my needs wants, desires, it's a much happier, more tranquil existence. 

Sex drive?

Still there, yet, channeled into working out at the gym, and baby? I work out nearly every single day. I work out hard, until I don't look cute or smell good anymore. 

It's a constructive use of the force!

Have to admit, as my body becomes more lean, more toned, my self confidence is up there! 

Especially, lately!

All the sweat fests of working myself into a hot mess are starting to show more. 

People are commenting on how slender or "skinny" I'm becoming.

No worries, I eat. However, I am eating cleaner than I ever have before. I don't worry as much if a friend offers me the occasional ice cream or cookie. I know it won't impede my progress much.

There's still meat on my bones, there's also more muscle!

The feeling I have now, vs while I was still out there, dating is one of more peace, more peace of mind, more security in who I am.

No need to mess that up.

Have always been easy to please along with being mostly happy!

The guy who hurt me so badly in 2012 did me a huge favor! He took away the desire to have a man in my life. He showed me just how miserably sad, hurt, depressed being hurt could feel.

Just like sticking a limb in a bonfire or surviving an auto crash going 100+ mph. A smart person will take the attitude that they don't want to do that ever again. Yeah, that's how it made me feel.

It's not that I don't ever want a guy in my life again. It's simply a different feeling of not minding either way. With a guy or without.

Would you like a glock or a ruger? meh. Either one is fine.

Yeah, like that.

While I would hope that other girls wouldn't have to experience the pain which I did, to get to this calmed happy state of being, maybe, they actually do have to go through it. That's sad.

If I could bottle my meh then give it to them, I would. Just like muscle gain or a college degree, everyone must do it themselves.

For now?

I am happy most of the time even though I'm going through some very difficult things right now.

Still smiling!

Still happy!

Still have the feeling of security that all will be well, in time.

Here's hoping you, my reader will find your way to this happy, secure place, as I have.

L8ers, baby!

Go on, love yourself!

You read that correctly!

In a sexual way?

Maybe.

But that's not love.

That's the Flogged Under Carnal Knowledge-ing version. 

The love I'm talking about is when you have the self respect to love yourself first. Tend to your own needs before over-tending to the needs, wants, requests, demands of others.

Taking care of someone is to do those things for them which they are unable to do for themselves. It's healthy.

Care-taking is doing things for someone that they can do for themselves. This is less than healthy for you or for them.

Recently, I have encountered a very demanding, controlling, manipulative person. Little does this person know, I had the misfortune of being married to someone who used all of the same tricks on me to manipulate me with the outcome of control of me.

So, I called this person out.
OOOOHHHHH!
One unhappy camper

Because I was asking for simple things. Requests such as; getting some of their possessions out of the place I was living in and wanting to know when I would have hot water for showers. According to this person, because I wouldn't give in to their demands while I was in the process of moving, I was ungrateful when offered "favors". 
Favors which, with this person, are given so they have future leverage to throw the "favors" in my face to manipulate me to give in to their demands.
This person seems to hear "no" very seldom.
Having learned when to say, "no", yupp, ha ha! 
One unhappy person!
Refusing "favors" from this person really unleashed anger on me.

Having learned to fill my own needs, being so independent for so many years, it has made me quite self sufficient. Of course, when a guy holds a door for me, or any chivalrous gesture, I love it!
Self-sufficient is a far cry from being a feminazi.

I COULD depend on a man if I was in a romantic relationship with him, yet, will never put myself in a place of having to depend on anyone else.

Oh, my dears, there are so many manipulative people out there. Having learned to steer clear of them is benefiting me great big!

Having learned to take care of my own needs first is healthy, yet, it can really make a demanding and/or manipulator, cross with you.

Have you learned to say no?
When to say no?
When to say yes?
Whom to say yes, to?

I think I could write a book on this subject.

I
Will
Stop
Right
Here



             The End

Changes !!!!!

Here I grow!

Can ya keep up?

If someone is in close contact, they will.

If someone is not in close contact, they won't.

I was having a pleasant conversation last night with a dear one far away. We were speaking of the recent visit from someone who had not seen me in 3 years. Dear One told that my recent visitor remarked at how much I had changed.

I change daily, more than most people do. Change, for the better.

Dear One notices the changes every time we speak by phone on Sunday afternoon. She hears my attitude, she hears of the little tweaks here & there to improve my fitness level, to improve my life. 

She keeps up. 

Dear One has a very busy life as well. Multiple irons in one fire. An amazing person who is prepping for a beautiful, bright future!

I will see Dear One on September 3rd ~ so excited!

Recently, while in the local grocers store, a person who I used to see at the gym was there, also. Had not seen each other in 8 months, we have differing schedules.

Having sharp recollection, I recognized her. She didn't recognize me, at first. Until I spoke.

Have been told that I have a distinctive voice. A sexy sweet one!

She looked & looked and then, she recognized exactly who I was, the girl at the gym! YAY!

She asked me how I have been, then she asked what I have been doing.

Meh. Same - same.

Then, she asked, more specified ~

"No! I want to know WHAT you have been doing! Every time I see you, you look 3 years younger and 10 lbs lighter."

Not giving up ALL of my methods, lol.

I smiled, thanked her for her kind words, she reached out for a hug, Texas style! I hugged her. She's such a genuine person, love that!

Honestly? 

I feel as if I truly am growing younger. With the freedom to try different skin care, to work out so hard, my spirit responds. Also, my skin, hair, nails, muscles! It's all responding!

Natural cures & care are best. Essential oils, changing up exercises, eating as healthy as possible. Keeps my body, brain & muscles sharp. In addition to sharp, also, constantly improving.

I may get sad or feel down-hearted at times, yet, remaining positive as much as possible is a way of life for me.

Having every reason to give in to depression, yet, staying buoyed up in positivity is crucial to ultimate success.

Live IS pretty tough, right now, it's times like these that I wish for someone to come home to. Come home to lots of hugs.

Reality is that it will never happen.

Have learned to be okay with that.

Just sometimes....

Sometimes.....

You know. Yes, I bet you know. ;)

Who am I? Who are you?

Do you know who you are? 

Oh, there may be roles that we fill such as mother, father, sister, brother, friend, neighbor, etc. Yet, those tell but a fraction of who a person is.

To know yourself with all of the roles you fill, all of your deep dark secrets. All of your joys, your hopes, your little quirks that make you who you are, is a semi-mastery of self.

What do other people see when they peruse you?

I know what has been said of me, as a person. The sincere compliments (which is what I mostly give credence to), the judgments by others who must be perfection to be able to throw such stones.

I have been a daughter, a student, a worker, a military Sgt, a mother, a friend etc.

People have pronounced me as:

A best friend

A girlfriend

A slut

A bitch

A sweetheart

A Jet whisperer

An intuitive

A very smart girl

A badass bitch

A tough cookie

A Queen of Follow Through

A kind soul

The list can go on and on. While I may be viewed by others using those terms, it still doesn't define me.

More recently:

A Mimi

A psycho 

(by someone who isn't very stable, himself, projecting, maybe?)

A MILF

A survivor

A sexy pixie (lol)

A sweet doll

An ungrateful person

A badass in the gym

A deep thinker

These terms are said of me, yet, they are only judgments made by others. Sometimes the harsh ones hurt, then, I consider the source.

I know who I am.

I am:

A descendant of Tatanka Yotanka or Sitting Bull

A kind hearted girl often misunderstood

A single girl who refuses to settle

A lover of warm blooded animals, not reptiles unless they are cooked properly, taste like chicken

A USAF Veteran working to get a claim approved

A mother of a hard working student

A dreamer

A lover, sometimes fighting for what I love

A survivor trying to make it in an unkind world

A lover of fitness as well as good health practices

A bit vulnerable at times, shh, don't tell

You know who you are, don't you? If you do, that's awesome-sauce! If you don't then start by asking yourself questions about what you like, where you have been. 

What is your hearts desire?

I know what my hearts desires are.

Not telling. :)

L8ers, baby.

A State of Being to Address

People often ask me if I'm single, then, the inevitable, "How can you possibly be single?"

Like, there must be something wrong with me that's hidden, which would explain my disease.

Yep, you read that right. People often speak of being single as a disease, whether it's themselves or someone else.

I prefer the term ~ 

"Independently owned & operated."

Personally? I am single because I won't settle like I did when I married the first time. I have had offers, yet, am less willing to give up, my freedom to remain a growing evolving free spirit.

As a married woman, I felt stifled. Everything had to be about him or he was unhappy and would freeze me out for sometimes 2 weeks at a time.

UGH!

So, at that time, I began losing sight of who I was, what I liked, what I disliked. I lost my identity.

Every time I began to grow & change, it threatened his sense of security, then, the freeze out.

UGH!

Being free, again, I felt a surge of energy, a surge of renewal, growth, change ~ DELICIOUS!

Having had some truly wonderful guys want me to enter marriage with them, I felt fear, panic, complete resistance to the the idea. All, except one. My archangel, my Michael!

This is not to say that I don't ever wish to marry, again. It simply says that I'm much more selective as well as less willing to put up with shenanigans!

So, the answer as to why I am remaining "Independently owned and operated" by choice is that I'm unwilling to settle a second time.

Freedom to do as I wish, when I wish, with whomever I wish, for the duration I wish to do it.

This freedom is an aspect that allows me to grow, change, to further develop on my path as a person.

Being a free spirit, such as, I am, is an aspect that every person should have whether married or not.

Spouses who keep the other in chains add a smidgen of poisonous stagnation to the marriage.

Better to be thelemic.

For now, I will fully enjoy being "Independently Owned and Operated" until someone happens into my life who is wonderful enough to make me wish to change that.

Not perfect. 

As I certainly am not, yet, perfect for me.

Enjoy your single status. ;)

Do you ever feel hopeless?

No whinychickness here. You're safe!

Mostly, I remain positive about life, about love, about all that makes up this experience called life.

Sometimes, just sometimes, things happen, life gets a bit bleak & I feel a bit hopeless.

Weary from all that is going on. Have been shouldering it for a long time, always alone.

I'm strong.

I'm still a soft, feminine girl.

Sometimes it, all, becomes too heavy, it's when I begin to lose hope. I want to cry, to sob.

It's of minimal benefit.

Tomorrow is always another day, so, I keep going, keep pushing forward, believing that life will get better, maybe easier? Maybe.

Please, send good, happy thoughts my way.

I need them.

Priceless!

As in, without price. It's becoming more scarce with time. Many people think they have it or don't care if they have it or not. Some people live with it as easily as breathing, as easily as swallowing.

This last category is the least common of all, sadly.

The people of the last category are keepers. When you meet someone who has it, keep them in your life as long as they wish to be kept. Let them leave your life if they wish to leave, yet, learn from them, treat them with kindness, with respect. Yank their chain occasionally, just for fun, yet, don't push their buttons very much.

You might risk losing them if you do.

That would be sad.

You would feel the loss for a long long time.

These scarce & wonderful people who have what I'm referring to will take being messed with in good fun, you can sparingly push their buttons. Yet, they have self respect. If they tolerate you, they love you very much, that, in itself is a precious thing.

They are unafraid to walk away from a person who treats them in hurtful, harmful ways.

These are the rare people in the world who have integrity in largess!

Dependability is rare in today's world. 

People who actually care enough to keep their word?

Very scarce.

Part of this sad state of being is due to the media, yet, people can choose. They have a choice to honor their words, their commitments, or not.

Those people who are dependable generally tend to only associate with others who are dependable, who have integrity.

Into every one's life, some flaky people will appear.

Yet, those who are dependable know the value of having dependable people in their life. It makes life better, for sure.

My personal definition is:

Say what you'll do, then do it. Be where you say you will be when you say you will be there. If circumstances change and you must be late or have a true emergency so that you have to cancel, let the other person or people know as soon as possible.

It's a simple principle that few people employ in their lives.

Do I do this?

Absolutely!

 My children nick-named me "The Queen of Follow Through"

They also called me "Madame WOW" from a hilarious incident when we went to Paris, France. That's for another time, if ever!

For the last 10 years, my life has lacked stability. It's finally evening out. I hope.

I could have achieved more stability if I was willing to sacrifice my integrity. People do it all the time. I couldn't live with myself if I sacrificed my integrity. It would be a false sense of stability.

~ A wealthy man in Dallas, in his early 90s, no living relatives. He was very wealthy. He wanted me to marry him, then, inherit his wealth. I didn't love him. I couldn't marry for money.

~ There was a girl who asked me to call her mother & say she was with me so she could go out to party with friends. I really liked spending time with her. I couldn't do it. I never heard from her, again. It was so sad to me. 

~ A gentleman with a "wad" of  $100s dropped one. In my conscience, I had to chase after him to give it to him.

Integrity rocks!

Having integrity & stability, having the security of dependable people is important for peace of mind. At least, for me, it is. 

Is this true for you?

What does love feel like?

What does love feel like to you? Depending on life experience, gender, race, culture, many factors. It feels different for everyone.

Scary

Sweet

Cold

Dangerous

Surreal

Hot

Exciting

Warm

Yeah, you know I have an opinion about it. *smile*

The term "love" is used incorrectly a lot. Sometimes due to cultural differences, sometimes in the interest of being polite or PC.

Most commonly, the word, "LOVE" is used in place of sex or f*cking. Is it any wonder, then, that so many girls get confused when a guy is willing to have sexual intercourse, yet, is unwilling or not free to love them?

Having been around the tree a few times, I have learned to tell the difference between when someone genuinely cares.......also, when they don't. Whatever their actions are, negates their words when their actions disprove their words.

Inaction or failing to act can also negate words.

A fave quote:

There are 3 types of people in your life.

1. Those who help you

2. Those who hurt you

3. Those who leave you alone

Those who help you, genuinely care, they have your well being at heart.

Those who hurt you want you to stay the same, never growing, never changing. This preserves their comfort.

Those who leave you alone don't care if you are suffering or not. They have no desire to make time for you.

GREAT QUOTE!

This tells, right there, who truly cares, who does not.

When someone cares about me, I can definitely see the difference. They are accepting of me, my flaws, my pleasant parts. They accept it all. Same, here. It's how humans are "wired"

Give yourself permission to only allow the influence of people in category #1 to have a bearing on you, on your life.

Blood family members may be in #1, they may just be #2. Ha ha!

Think about this, see if it resonates with you.

Be good to yourself.

You are worth it!

The Voice!

Hello! Well, hello! Hope this finds y'all well.

So, The Voice. 

It may or may not be what you think it's going to be. 

Previously, I mentioned the importance of self-talk. More importantly, talking to yourself inside your head in the same way you speak to someone you dearly love.

During air travel, the flight attendant demo before the aircraft takes flight instructs people, during loss of oxygen, to put their own oxygen mask on first before attempting to assist others.

Love yourself first before you expect others to love you or even before you wish to love other people. It's a beautiful balance. :)

What does your inner voice say to you?

Does it say:

OMG I look fat today. UGH!

No one will ever love me

I'm so stupid

I won't ask anyone, they will probably say "no"

I hate my hair

My life sucks

What if your inner voice started saying:

Hmm, my butt looks good in these pants

The sunshine feels good 

I'm good enough

I'm smart enough

Dang! Sometimes I even amaze myself

I can do this, I just have to keep going

That inner voice makes a difference in how people feel, how people are viewed by other people. A secure person with self confidence is definitely more pleasant to be around than a less secure person. 

Prefacing my next statement with saying that I am a spiritual, intuitive person. is important.

Organized religion is less of a focus for me, now, though it had been in the past.

There is a difference between being religious or being spiritual.

Choosing to be more spiritual & intuitive is less of a choice for me as it's my natural state of being. Less religious feels good.

Being spiritual & intuitive, I have learned to monitor my self talk, to speak to myself more positively. 

On to my point.

The Voice.

For several years, as I have been putting my life back together, an encouraging voice speaks to me. 

Funny aspect is that this encouraging voice speaks to me during the time I'm doing the cardio part of my workout.

Today, cardio was fantastic! 65 minutes on the elliptical machine, 6.1 miles, it was a good sweat sesh!

This voice was nearly shouting at me.

In the past, it would say:

"Keep going, Brenda. You can do this. Life was so hard for you, if you keep going, life will get better. You will have everything that you once had. You will get it all back plus more. Keep going!"

Today, the message was the same, the voice was LOUD! This is the first time the voice shouted at me in an excited, happy way.

I believe it!

I keep going.

Life has been so painfully hard.

I will believe it will all get better.

Stay tuned!

L8ers, baby!