If every member of your family as well as most of your friends just disappeared one day, could you handle life by yourself?
Where'd they go? idk
Abducted by aliens?
Taken to the center of our hollow earth? (just supposing)
Imprisoned at CMOC for DNA preservation?
Just make something up. They are gone. How do you think you would fare? No one to celebrate holidays with. No one to watch a movie with. No one to give you a shoulder to cry on. No one to help you if you become ill.
Just you.
All by yourself.
Having lived through this, it's safe to say that it's one tough adjustment! When I divorced, nearly everyone deserted me. There were only 2 people who stuck by me. They know who they are.
People who I thought were friends turned out to be fair weather friends. People at church turned their backs to me. Family members conveniently, weren't available or weren't answering their phones or returning texts or calls. It was very disheartening.
I sat in my townhouse, after lighting a fire in the fireplace. The warmth of the flames, the crackling sound were somehow comforting to me. I was completely alone for the very first time in my life.
I had panic attacks, extreme anxiety, even a few hallucinations. No, I wasn't drinking anything or smoking anything, not yet. :P
I was so unfocused, I couldn't even indulge in my passion for needlework at that time. Being single again was nothing like what I had thought it would be and like nothing I had ever experienced.
I had wanted this. Freedom from being controlled, oppressed, berated with "after 4 babies, you're all used up" "you never know what the hell you're talking about, you're delusional."
Oh, but I wasn't all used up. My life had gotten a reset button, feeling the freedom experienced when I left my parents home at 18, moved to Hawai'i with the USAF.
Also, I pretty much knew what the hell I was talking about, the delusional one was the one pronouncing it upon me.
One evening, I was standing on my balcony, looking out at the view of the mountains of Colorado. There was a knock at my door. It was the neighbor just across from me.
She had always been single, no children, she was just who I needed. She and I started doing things together. Mani-Pedi, going out to lunches, dinners, movies. We both had memberships at the same health club, so, we worked out together. Because she had always been single, I learned so much from her.
Learning how to be single again is more difficult than it seems. It is, however, necessary, to take some time after a divorce or a relationship ends, to become centered again. How much time?
It depends on the individual or the length of the "interaction" as it were.
I'm not a professional, however, it seems that the best of new romantic relationships take place if a person takes 5 - 7 years after a divorce or an ending, to become centered. Finding yourself takes time, effort.
I was working at SAIC, meeting other single people. It was starting to be fun! I went out with one of the guys I worked with, as friends. No huggy-kissy stuff going on. He was a very cool guy.
When the contract at SAIC ended, I was unsure what to do. Life had become a bit easier. I thought, I think I can do this! So, I did.
My activity buddy was a lot of fun! We went dancing at Southside Johnny's, went to iHop after closing. One evening, we were out on the town at Jack Quinn's, an Irish pub. I left the table to go to the ladies room, when I came back, there was a delectable looking glass of something on the table. I had never been much of a drinker. She slid the drink toward me,
"Somebody needs a little drinkie so she can relaxie"
I had 3 "drinkies" that night. She was driving so, I was safe. Drunk driving is something I won't do. But, she would!
Ah,well.
I looked for volunteer opportunities & holy shla-moly, I found them!
The VA facility needed volunteers, the humane society shelters, the elementary schools. Then, sometimes, I would muck out the stalls at the USAFA stables so I could ride the horses.
After telling you all of this, it's how I learned to stand alone. Living alone was very strange, at first.
Others have pronounced me as a free spirit, fiercely independent.
Well, durr.
Necessity.
I became that way out of necessity. The only other choice was to depend upon others who were not very stable. F that S.
The safe little bubble I had lived in as a wife & mother had held me, carried me, while the world changed in thousands of ways without my noticing. It was a more harsh, colder world of predatory people, selfish people who were uncaring as long as they got what they wanted.
99% of the time, they didn't get what they wanted from me, that was when the nastiness came out. Hurling insults, issuing threats.
Ouchies!
Had to learn whom to avoid, that was a tough lesson.
Stalkers are the toughest to avoid. I had 3 before leaving Colorado.
I went through cycles. I would get myself to a stable emotionally balanced state of mind, let a guy get to know me, he would crap all over my life. I'd go back to working on myself. Until...
This cycle repeated itself, I'm embarrassed to say, more than once or even twice before I learned my lesson!
Happily, I did learn!
When I have watched other women keep going through the same cycle, never letting themselves adjust, learn to enjoy their own company, I feel such great compassion for their struggles.
It's a very tough lesson to learn.
It's a lesson that each person must learn for themselves.
Learning to stand alone is one of the best life skills to have.
