Better to be Kind

Having been around the tree-stump a few times, it's common place for someone to have learned a few things.

I can hope this for everyone including myself.

We all go along in life with its ups and mediocres, it's my personal belief that we are here, living this life, to learn.

At an earlier time in my life, I had a somewhat vengeful nature. A character flaw, I realize, now. The events which led me to have that flaw are justifiable, yet, maybe, I could have made better choices.

I learned (thankfully!)

It did come back to bite me, nearly killing me. It was at the hands of people associated with someone who hurt me very deeply.

I don't remember him, I was shown the information by someone who knows him.

It's the past.

I don't remember him or much from that time period in my life, it was a very difficult, tumultuous time.

Whatever events that have transpired, positive or negative, the point has been driven into my heart & mind.

When given a choice, it's better to be kind.

This means kind. Weakness is totally different. 

Kindness is to do that which is a persons' full scope of benevolence in a given situation. 

Yeah.

I know that explaining again, would be redundant. Ha ha!

Having been a person who usually acts with kindness, compassion, generosity, I see, now, that kindness is a better choice.

Keep in mind, I'm imperfect. 

Would I go back in time to have been more kind?

Sometimes yes, sometimes maybe. :)

Knowing that I have been the recipient of cruelty more often than not, it has taken me awhile to come to this realization.

It's very enriching to evolve!

The person I was yesterday

Has slowly melted away

Like snowflakes on your cheek

Like the lasting love you seek

Having lived having learned

Having been blessed or burned

Finding my way has taken some time

Expressing this lesson to you in rhyme

The lesson has been refined

When faced with a choice

It's better to be kind

Guilt Trip

It's often said, "It's no ones fault" or "It is what it is. " (UGH!)

Sometimes, just sometimes, every once in awhile, there will be that rare, evolved individual who will admit they were wrong or are wrong. A person who is unselfish or has an "AHA" unselfish moment.

Sometimes it's just the basic guilty conscience.

Sometimes, a person has been struck with the realization that they, indeed, were at fault or are at fault after a period of introspection. That time period can be a matter of hours, days, weeks, months or even years!

For an unknown number of people, the light fails to dawn upon them. Blissfully unaware. Just bee-bopping along. :)

If individuals can be put in a category, I don't fit into any of these categories or maybe I'm blissed out & unaware!

People-watching can yield some great introspection. A person can sometimes see how they appear to others when happy, sad, zoned out, angry, drunk.......I digress.

I enjoy people-watching.

It offers me some introspection.

Something I noticed is how many people are so sure that nothing about them is visible in their actions, expressions, movements, mannerisms, vocal inflection & vocal volume!

Many things are obvious to the trained eye as well as the untrained. People who are insecure broadcast without realizing it. Their body posture, facial expressions. Some people can hide it some of the time, yet, not all people can hide it all of the time. Some people are simply open books!

I might slightly resemble that category. 

I'm honest by nature, I find it difficult to lie. 

Everyone lies sometimes, including myself. How's that grab ya' for honesty? :)

In my own personal journey from fit & slender to morbidly obese, now, working back toward fit & slender, I noticed the tell tale signs in my own body. 

My own face, of my own body. No, it's not loose, floppy, hanging skin, my skin is toned as well as nearly taut.

There ARE, however, physical characteristics that I have, which are the truth markers of having been morbidly obese at one point in my life.

When watching other people, I can identify the same characteristics in others. The characteristics are not detracting from a persons appearance any more than wearing contact lenses detracts from a former eyeglass wearers. Simply, neutral characteristics.

When I served in the USAF, I was at a healthy weight as a matter of military regulation. When I married, I did let my healthy eating habits slip. I started to pick up the habits of the huzz. 

He had very unhealthy eating habits yet, his fast metabolism consumed the calories like a 500 degree furnace! He ate lots of fried foods, lots of food in general. I picked up some of those bad habits, by choice, it was my decision.

It was going to pile lots of weight on my small frame. 

Then, came the babies, etc, etc, etc, etc.

I knew that eating the ice cream, cookies, fried foods, pizza, as well as a plethora of unhealthy choices was putting weight on me.

I wasn't worried, though I should have been. 

Famed last words!

As the weight added up, I wasn't willing to think about it. There were also the symptoms of PTSD, which I had to fight to deal with in order to be a good wife & mother.

The busy lifestyle of raising 4 children, supporting his career, moving from one house to another. Sometimes, one country to another.

We moved 18 times in 22 years in support of his career.

I was distracted, I was busy, I was tired. I was oblivious.

This is a reason, though, it's no excuse.

Still?

I feel horribly guilty tinged with regret that I let myself gain so much weight that it has taken me 12 years to naturally, slowly, take most of it off.

When I see the telling signs in others who have fought the battle with obesity and won! I'm happy for them.

I, also, see those same markers, if you will, in myself and OMGoodness! 

I feel guilty!

I feel sad that I allowed it, because, I know I did.

Guilty by negligence.

My justifications were:

I've had 4 babies

Genetics are against me

I still have time to lose it

I'm married, I can relax on my appearance a little

It's too hard, I can't do it!

Huzz is trying to control me by pressuring me too much

If I lose weight, I will do it for ME, no one else

Honestly? I didn't realize just how much weight I had gained. Didn't know, didn't care about it very much. I truly didn't realize how I appeared in reality.

When I finally got to the point where I was ready to take the weight off just for me, I went after it, stuck to it, felt strong determination!

Now, when looking back at photos of myself from before I gained the weight, to photos of after, it makes me feel so horribly guilty, I can't bear it.

It's very embarrassing, discouraging, disheartening.

Still, I push forward!

Pushing forward to make my fitness goals, my #1 goals. 

The guilt?

Oh, yass! It's still there. Instead of letting the guilt use me, I use the guilt to motivate, inspire, to push harder, become more lean, stronger, more physically fit.

Bonus time!

In addition to becoming more physically fit, my mental/emotional/psychological state of being has become happier, more peaceful. Maybe it's from, in addition to working out, my daily Yoga practice.

I will admit, I still feel the guilt of having let myself go. Although I am almost where I want to to be, fitness wise, the guilt still hangs on like the last 10 pounds of weight to lose, like that next level in benching 300 lbs when you stay at 250 for so long (both of which, 300 or 250, I cannot do, so I won't make fraudulent claims).

Maybe, the guilty feelings will be the last dregs of obesity to go.

Whatever it is or isn't, I'm on my way!

L8erz!

The Question

It's often said that good things come in 3's. Sometimes, anything can happen in a multiple of 3's. Unfortunate, disastrous things, also, wonderful, amazingly happy events.

Having been single since 2007, I get the "question" a lot! I've developed a bit of witty repartee', yet, it seems to catch me by surprise nearly every time.

"Why don't you have a boyfriend?"
"How can you be single?"
"You should have a boyfriend, shouldn't you?"
"Why are you single?"

UGH.

Actually, I'm not single, I'm independently owned & operated!

Knowing that I have those qualities which guys search for, who are emotionally mature enough to be able to sustain a connection with a girl. I have learned to hold back.
Only if I'm married will I give those things that I feel safe giving within the context of a legally, morally committed relationship with that one lucky guy who makes me feel like a lucky girl!

~ I keep the home cooked meals coming
~ Happy 99% of the time
~ Kind hearted & compassionate
~ Keep the bed hot & my temper cooled
~ Very careful & frugal with money
~ Physically fit & healthy, energetic & optimistic
~ Devoted & faithful
~ Clean & organized
~ Responsible
~ Just sassy enough to keep him on his toes

There's more, that's the basics.

As a single girl who is happy in my life even when things are less than pleasant. Remaining positive serves me well.

Most likely the reason I'm single is that I'm very authentic. Guys have become accustomed to fake people. When they meet a fake sort of girl, she's the norm, so, he doesn't question her.
When guys see me, with mah sincere, authentic lil self, they assume I'm a fake, a liar, too good to be true.
That's okay.

Having read in psychology publications as well as other places, that intelligent women remain single longer than their lesser sisters.
I must be dam near genius!
*smile*

I know why I am single, it's because I know that who I am as well as what I have to offer the right guy would be wasted on the wrong one. The wrong one would only feel threatened & insecure by a girl who has herself together.
She's secure within herself, has self confidence.
She will see right through his BS, sometimes she will call him out on it, usually, she will walk away, knowing that an insecure guy still has to work on himself, so, she walks away.

On Friday - Saturday, I was asked 3 times by 3 different people why I am single, why I don't have a boyfriend. It's amusing.

I couldn't be a superhero if I had a boyfriend! 

Always be a superhero!

I'm A Girl

That's what has been said to me many times as in:

You're such a girl!

Your MP3 player is PINK!

Have you ever been told you're ultra feminine?

.......and, so on.

Still, I can hit it hard & kill it in the gym.

People are who they are, one of my favorite colloquialisms is:

"When you love someone, you love them as they are!"

Being a very feminine type of girl has its pros and cons. There's the

often mistaking kindness for weakness. Being very kind is part of my

nature, being strong as in mentally tough is also an equal component.

If it would be practical to dress in silky, flowy dresses, blouses, skirts &

pants suits every day, it would be wonderful! Except, of course, the time

I spend swimming or working out! Yowsa!

Love mixing essential oils to be used as a skincare element or a perfume.

Natural oils are best from my experience. For self care, I started making

my toothpaste a year ago. Coconut oil, baking soda, peppermint oil. BAM!

I keep it in a sealed dish on the sink, swish a dry toothbrush in it, bruf teef!

It's also very inexpensive.
Ready?
Only $.45! It lasts 2 months! Yup!

I used to deny my feminine nature, now? 

Embracing being a bubbly, happy, sassy, smart girl suits me well!

Be who you are!

Get down wit-cha badd thelf!

L8ers!

USA

It's common knowledge.

Having served my country in several capacities, plus, being 1/2 Native American, now, proud to call myself a Texan.

I LOVE THE USA!

July 4th is my favorite holiday, red white & blue give me a happy feeling. This country, with its' ups and downs is still the only country I want to live in. 

Yes, I have visited as well as resided in other countries, the US of A is still the only country I would want to permanently live in.

For way too long of a time period, I was married to a Filipino who was born in the P.I., had strong cultural ties, yet, did not have Filipino citizenship. He was even serving in the United States Air Force. 

Still, he constantly bragged about how great the Philippines was, how much better EVERYTHING Filipino is.

I have & had news for him.

The Philippines is not all that. If the Philippine Islands as well as its' culture & people were actually as great as he crowed about, the citizens of the Philippines would not be dying by the boat loads to get out! 

It the Philippines was as good as he claimed, all the beautiful Filipinas wouldn't be marrying the fuglies they married just to get to the land of the Big BX.

If the Filipino culture was as illustrious as he, in his deluded mentality, claimed, the greasy unhealthy foods would not have caused even his own mother to die from heart disease.

After his mother died, his own father, in his 80s, went to the Philippines to BUY a 19 year old girl, then marry her!

EW! EW! EW!

Oh yeah, real winning culture, there, pops.

For most of the time I was married to Mr. Filipino, he shoved his culture down my throat. 

Dam! I hated that! 

I'm an all American girl, always have been, always will be! 

When Mr.Filipino tried to give our children Filipino names that would only get them teased, bullies and made to feel embarrassed by their own name, I just said, "NO!"

Names such as ~

Innocencio

Virgin Mary

Modesto

Felicidado

Umm, NOPE!

These were my AMERICAN children, born in the USA to 2 citizens of the USA. If they were going to live their childhoods in the Philippines, sure, no problem. They lived their childhoods in the USA or on US Military bases around the world.

Oh, there was a bit of a fight regarding this, yet, I stood my ground. You're welcome, kiddies, that you don't have to go through life with ridiculous names foisted upon you by a deluded daddy.

Mama had your back!

ha ha!

The USA is a great country, hopefully, with President Elect Trump, it will improve from the last 8 year stretch of having a cartoon as a CIC.

The USA is far from perfect, this, I know! Even with it's fallacies, it's still a place where there is more opportunity, more fair practices, more acceptance of diverse race & culture than any country on earth.

That was a run-on sentence.

OOPs!

The USA has more diversity in climate than most countries. We have mountains, desert, tropical, 4 season, frozen tundra. Although English is the official language, there are so many versions of it within the country. Southern, Northern, East Coast, West Coast, Pidgin (Hawai'i), Cherokee, Navajo, Spanglish, Cajun, so much more!

The USA is a land of convenience, a land of opportunity, a land of, sometimes over the top, acceptance. Other cultures tend to take unfair advantage, at times, yet they feel, mostly safe. 

As long as the American flag flies, as long as the USA has a good strong leader as its' president, we will be the great nation, always. Of course, even Rome, fell, after a few centuries.

For now, we are standing strong.

The USA military is still great, still strong! I love our military people, respect you for your dedication & sacrifice.

USA! USA! USA! USA!

Au Naturale

It's been a bit of a debate in social media, Twitter feed, celeb circles, as of recent. It's not about manscaping or pube grooming, not today, maybe tomorrow, or how about never? *smile*

Thankfully, many people are returning to a natural approach to self care, also a return to more natural beauty.

Yeah - Yeah

Having heard the complaints about girls who are almost unrecognizable without makeup, it makes me formulate the retort;

Don't blame the one wearing the makeup if the complainer is gullible enough to believe that someone was born with 1.5" eyelashes and naturally gold eyelids!

With that said, it would be a more complete speculation to say that the high price of face & body lotions & potions has skyrocketed! The promises to make a 40something look more like a 20something if they just splurge on a $200. treatment or face potion are exaggerated. The promises to teens with access to copious lucre to erase years of acne scarring is just as cruel. The overpriced answer to their wishes may or may not deliver. The beauty industry has already absorbed the cash even if only once from a onetime buyer!

A few years ago, I became fed up with the high priced makeup, high priced creams & serums at $150. a pop which, of course, had to be used regularly for 30 days to see a difference! Then, continuously used to maintain.

My frugal attitude plus a desire to preserve mah cheddar was somewhat preventative.

I began to research methods to take care of my skin, hair, nails in a more natural way.

After all, aside from the numerous chemicals which are in high dollar beauty treatments, they are derived from a base of natural elements. Elements such as:

Honey

Chamomile 

Turmeric

Lavender

Cucumbers

Lemons

Avocados 

Also, many more herbs, spices, fruit acids etcetera!

YouTube is a wealth of knowledge for choosing the right combinations of essential oils for beautiful, clear, glowing skin!

In the past 10 years, I started putting only essential oils on my face. Also, I bought a Hamilton Beach juicer for $50. 

Juicing works wonders for overall health, beauty & well being!

Here's a freebie - Juicing just 3 cucumbers every day for 60 days will cause your hair to become thicker, grow more and look healthier because of the silica found in the green cucumber skin!

Do some research, try different things to see what will work for you!

L8erz!

I Really Am a Mermaid!

Sometimes, I can believe this. The ocean feels like home, to me. My happiest memories are when I was living near the Pacific ocean or actually swimming in the ocean.

Have to be specific.

The Atlantic is more cold whereas the Pacific is more warm.

Some like it HOT, me too! I love a warm ocean.

As a child, living in Michigan, I swam in the local lakes. The fishy smell bothered me, yet, it was water, so, I loved it! Water feels more like home to me than any thing. Even if I simply run a bath tub full of warm water, maybe, drop a few drops of lavender essential oil in it, then, soak!

When I lived in Colorado Springs, it was far from being my favorite place to live, however, the hot springs were fantastic in the winter! 

Yes, I loved the clothing optional springs, yes, I embraced the option! It was less about anything sexual, more about the feeling of freedom. Doing something that, ordinarily, could not be done, made it feel extra special. Being naked, outdoors, with the cold snap in the air, the beautiful blue sky, the mountains in the background.

It was a surreal experience, every time I went.

The first time I went, it was with a guy friend who I knew could be trusted to be a gentleman even with both of us naked in the hot spring. These mostly, unknown hot springs, had a privacy fence around them, it was only $10. per person for the whole day.

It was heavenly!

The "establishment" also has some very strict rules, such as, no lewd (sexual) behavior, no cameras, no alcohol.

Even with all of the rules, it was a very heady experience.

My heart is beginning to yearn for a trip to the ocean. It's been a few years, it's not something I necessarily want.

I NEED IT!

For now, the memories of playing on the beach in Hawai'i fill my mind. Floating & swimming in the ocean at Cocoa Beach, FL. 

If you live near a warm ocean, I'm happy for you, maybe even a little jealous!

Take a dip in those heavenly waters for this homesick mermaid! 

The Question

Today started like most days start for me. Wake up, morning prayers, take vitamins, put on gym clothes, head to the gym. It was Sunday, so, the usual is to be back home by 10 am, get showered then dress in street clothes. Today, street clothes consisted of dark blue jeans, a camel colored short sleeved sweater with a black camisole under it since the neckline dips a bit too low.

Church dress is very casual at Oak Street Baptist where I have been going for the past 3 years. They have a nice singles program. It's tough to fit in with a bunch of married people when I don't fit the cookie cutter mold of what most of the women over age 18, fit into. I don't fit into any mold at all. Never have & most likely, never will. This can sometimes help, more often, it can be off-putting.

This particular Sunday, no one showed up. I was told it wasn't planned that way. It simply happened that way. It's okay. I can roll with it. Sunday is the day of my cheat meal! The one, premeditated day on which I will have whatever I want, which is PIZZA! After Sunday School, whoever is up for it, we go out for lunch. Usually, it's the Pizza Hut buffet. I look forward to seeing everyone, socializing. It sounds a bit dull, maybe, with this group, it's always a fun time! Lively conversation, good company, good pizza. Yes!

I decided that I woul take some fitness magazines & go to Pizza Hut solo. Why not?

I could do this.

Pulling into the parking space, I saw someone who is usually there with his own group. He was just leaving. He started walking toward me. I thought he was walking toward someone else or mistook me for someone else. Nope. He's a good looking guy, I see him at the gym, sometimes. He asked me if I was coming to eat by myself & where was my husband?
I told him, "I haven't had one of those for 10 years." He looked at me, I knew. The question was about to come up. "I don't know how you can possibly be single!"
He said, "I know why I'm single, you're too sweet & too pretty to be single!"
I thanked him for the compliment, went in to enjoy my cheat meal. Pizza & salad bar! Of course, I was the only one sitting by myself. I was enjoying my magazines, savoring the pizza, carrot sticks, cucumber slices, watching the families with their little ones. It was enjoyment enough for me!
As I sat there, I noticed a large group of people with, what looked like a few college age guys. I recognized one who had been a senior at the High School when I was working as a substitute teacher.
He smiled, as he recognized me, too. I went on, reading my fitness mags, enjoying my pizza. He walked over to the booth, asked if I ever did sub teaching in the nearby schools. I told him, yes, I had. He sat across from me, told me that the other HS guys were so surprised that I was single. Oh well. :)
It was flattering, yet, a bit redundant.

After having had enough pizza, salad & magazine time, it was time to pay the bill & leave. Going up to the cash register, the server was there, as acting cashier. He. Asked me, what the group I was with, usually, was all about. I told him that we are all single, we go to church together & hang out together, sometimes, do fun things together. He looked at me, grinning, l could feel the question he was about to ask.
"You, too? Why are you single?"
I smiled, " I don't know. I have been single for 10 years."
He smiled, "You're way too sweet, way too pretty to be single!"
It was a sincere compliment. I paid my bill, then left.

Honestly, it's something that people ask me a lot, which it's rare for me to think about. When people ask, as they often do, it's hard to think of how to answer.

"My boyfriend hasn't been born, yet!"
"Ah, yes, it's hard to date when you're a superhero!"
"I'm single because I'm not married."

IDK

If you are single, why are you single?
*smile*

Dis-spelling the Myths

There are so many myths out there, there isn't enough space to list all of them.
Here are the top 5.

Women are crazy.
~ If a guy stops to think about his actions or inaction & words, he will see that many times (not every time) a girls actions are justified.

Dogs are like guys, cats are like girls.
~ It's the opposite, if you stop to think about it. Please remember to start thinking again so you will avoid myth #1.

Valentines Day is a pseudo holiday designed to make money.
~ Not true. What Valentines Day is, is what you make it.

People over the age of 40 don't understand technology.
~ Totally false. Bill Gates. Like a boss.

~ Teenagers are all so disrespectful.
~ If you concentrate on the disrespectful ones, you will see more of them. If you concentrate on the respectful ones, you will see more of the same. It's a simple psychological principle.


That's just the top ones.

You're welcome.

You're welcome to do research to find more!

L8erz!

Now & Then / Then & Now

This morning, during my workout, I weighed myself just to make sure that the weight I have lost has stayed gone!

It has.

Yay!

Go, me!

The Sans Barre workout, a combo of ballet & yoga is noticeably trimming & toning my legs.

The weighted squats I started on November 1 are doing great things for my, well, you know, glutes!

Eating clean with lean, natural protein, fresh veggies is helping a lot. I'm less strict with my eating than I should be, yet, hey, have to have a little fun! There's the occasional Oreo or 3. lol.

There's dinners with a friend which taste too good to pass up!

Overall, I'm making progress.

Inside my head, I'm on auto-pilot with my thoughts. Positive, yet random.

This morning as I stood in just black yoga pants & black Nike sport bra, no shoes or socks, no T Shirt. 
It was only in the last 2 years that I felt enough body confidence to take my shirt off during Yoga.
I saw the big changes. As compared to photos of myself in 2012, the changes are huge!

I'm only 5'3", so a weight loss of 30 lbs makes a big difference.

A weight loss of 30 lbs with toning & tightening all over, makes an even bigger difference.

Working out, eating clean, cleaning up sleep & water habits are something I do just for myself.

I, no longer date, no man in my life, staying single by choice. Might stay single for the rest of my life. 
Then again, if Mr. Wonderful finds me, that would be nice.
Still, though I'm doing this just for me, I found my mind wandering into, 

"What if ________ saw me? What would ___say or think?"

"Those pictures from 2012 are hideous, no wonder things didn't work out with _________."

"I wouldn't have wanted me, if I were him."

"Wow, my back is so toned & gaining muscle!"

"My obliques have so much more definition! Go, me!"

"No more thunder thighs! Thank you Sans Barre Workout!"

Yes, I do this just for me. No one is going to see me naked except me. Just as I'm growing the hair on my head longer while removing all hair below my navel, just for me! No one else is going to see it. 

Yeah - Yeah, TMI! Hah!

Now, vs then (2012) there are many improvements, seeing the photos only showed me how far I have come. Toned abs, toned back, slimmer legs with more muscle. Slimmer arms with more muscle. 

Oh, I still am on a path of improvement.

Little by little.

Step by step.

Line upon line.

Precept by precept.

If you haven't started your fitness journey by now, then start!

Start from where you are!

GO!

Lucid Dreaming 

Last night I tried an experiment with lucid dreaming. What is lucid dreaming? By definition "lucid" means to be aware, to be conscious of what is happening. Lucidity, is said to occur mostly during REM sleep, approximately 1 - 2 hours after a person has fallen asleep.

It's often said to be a rare occurrence, yet, I have been able to cause myself to have lucid & pre-programmed dreams starting when I was 8 years old. As a child, not knowing that it was supposed to be rare, I did it all the time.
As a child, I, also had prophetic dreams. Too many people become frightened by this or talk of this, so, it's necessary to be vigilant around other people when speaking of this. It is a natural, normal aspect of being human.
The media has given the message to people that it's a very rare phenomenon, therefore, people believe it to be unattainable.

False.

It's very attainable.

I'm doing it as I have done for most of my life. Then, again, due to my mothers strong intuitive nature which she passed on to me, along with her red hair, combined with Native American spirituality from my fathers side. Yeahh buddy! Add 'em all up, it's a deadly combination. *smile*

Last night, as I was thinking of lucid dreaming, I did something a bit differently to possibly bring it on. I have had a meditation practice for at least 10 years, and, no, not the sitting on the commode type! Ha ha!

Yesterday, after a good sweat sesh, I went home at 5 pm, had a hot shower, went through my nightly prepping for beddy-bye. Normally, I take a cold shower before bed and go to bed at 2130.

If a person wants different results, they must do things differently.

Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiight?

So, at home, a hot as possible shower, reading & prayers at 1800 vs the usual 2130. Going to sleep earlier gives a greater possibility of staying in REM sleep longer, I think, I don't know for sure on this one!
 Keep in mind, I'm just a humble farm girl from a small town. Am average in looks, I make up for that with a burning curiosity about everything, my IQ has been measured at 215. Hmmmmm!

Still, it's best to be humble.

At 1800, I began to meditate on the subject I wished to dream about. 
It's private, am unwilling to divulge this info.
Recalling pictures, past conversations, vocal inflections of the other party, it worked!
In last nights lucid dream, I said things to him which I had wanted to in real life, yet didn't for whatever reasons I had. It was as if we lived almost a lifetime together in one night. At one point in the dream, I told him, 
"Did you know that I'm dreaming, that you're part of my dream?"
He looked at me, smiled and said, 
"I kinda figured that, that's what was happening, thank you for calling me back, when you did."

It was such a good dream, yes, I remember everything about it. 

Am not certain that the same thing I did last night would work for me again or for anyone else. I only know it worked last night.

This morning, I woke up feeling so positive about the day! There have been 4 glitches, so far, this morning, yet, the good feelings, good vibes, ha ha! They have continued to be with me!

Lucid dreaming?

Getcha some!

Tell me how it went for you, in the comments section!

A Love Letter

This is a love letter to those of you out there, struggling with obesity.

You're wonderful, beautiful, a worthwhile person just as you are. I'm sure that many people out there who think they have no choice but to become overweight because most of the people in their family are.

I have proved that theory to be false.

Many people may feel they have allowed the habits which led them into obesity have put them in such a deep hole, there is no way out.

THERE IS A WAY OUT!

As women can tell you, it's a lot of work to lose the weight after giving birth to a baby. It feels impossible to gain the muscle tone in the abs back after the sweet baby is born.

It is very possible to gain a flat belly after the baby is born.

Another myth is when a person says they are too old to start working out. 

False.

Many people begin working out at age 30 or 40 or 50 or older. 

I'm one of those people!

Any other myths that you read, hear or have heard, are just that.

Myths.

To quote one of my favorite phrases:

"Once you start to see results, it becomes an addiction!"

This is something I have found to be true. Having worked to build lean muscle, while cutting weight with a lot of cardio & cleaning up my eating habits, sleeping habits, water drinking habits, I know the frustration.

I kept at it.

Someday, I may surprise you with before and after photos. I'm camera shy, I have had stalkers ~ it was frightening! Still, I have the before photos, I'm not quite to the after, not yet!

Recently, my weight has begun to drop. It has stayed roughly the same since 2012. Until 3 weeks ago. YESSS!

Personally?

I believe that because I kept at it, more consistently with time, I'm getting the results now!

Working out is part of life for me. When I have had a good workout, I feel fantastic! Very alive!

Sleep is better

Memory is better

Thinking is more clear

Mood is more happy & calm than it would be without a workout

I feel a tightness between my hip bones. My jeans fit differently thanks to the daily 30 - 60 weighted squats.

So.......you may wonder, why is this a love letter?

It's a letter to anyone reading this who struggled with being overweight as I have. Anyone who felt that it was futile to try to get back into the same shape they were in as a 20something or 30something when, for many people, being slender is just a "given".

Even if you were always the "fat kid" you can change that, as many people have!

Love yourself enough to exercise HARD, hard enough to see those results that will turn you into a happier, healthier person.

Love yourself enough to choose habits that will keep you off of the plethora of medications that make BIG Pharma wealthy.

Love yourself & believe in yourself so much that your actions reflect that loving belief in what you can do when you start from wherever you are to become more lean, more fit!

There are more resources now than ever before. Gym memberships are less costly. There are You Tube fitness videos, magazines & books at libraries. The supply of information is endless!

I will admit, I love myself enough to get out of bed most mornings, then, straight to the gym! Cardio, Yoga, Pilates, Strength training, weight resistance, free weights, weighted squats.

YES PLEASE! 

Ha ha!

Eating clean?

I will admit that I sometimes slip up. I get right back to it. It's called the 80/20 rule. Eat healthy 80% of the time. Have to enjoy life!

So, love yourself not just with words, love yourself with putting action behind those words!

L8erz!

TBT

I wrote this a few years ago, found it while prepping to do yet another purge of possessions.

Dreams of Passion

In my dreams I'm flying on the back of a stallion with wings

The night is dark the moon is a sliver

The wind ruffles my dress high up my thigh

In my heart and ears it just sings

In my travels around this beautiful blessed land

Many people and vistas have taught me so deep

Life lessons given as a gift

Though at the time I didn't understand

In my heart I keep my dream lover as close as I can

He loves me he comforts me makes love to my being

Sweet sweat and a sigh sweet quivering thigh

I could never be so sated with a flesh clad man

In real life I have fire, peace and faith as soul balm

Reveling is solitude is sadness and joy

My own space is a place untouched and calm

I Sleep

Each night after a relaxing shower, braiding my hair to keep it off my face all night, reading my Bible, then bedtime prayers, I sleep.
In a long silky, white floor length gown or a Mickey Mouse night shirt with socks that moisturize my feet as I sleep.

Nothing significant there, except, of course, for the nights that sleep can't find me or I can't find sleep. When I am able to sleep, there's a chance that the nightmares will happen, yet, a 50/50 chance that they won't. I take my chances.

A sleep aid is most often involved in getting to sleep. I used to use whiskey or vodka to help the process along. Mixing sleeping meds & alcohol didn't kill me although, many times I had wished it would! I only stopped using alcohol to speed the process when the empty calories impeded my goals in fitness & becoming more lean.

Have you heard of lucid dreaming?

Look it up!

I have used lucid dreaming to dream about that which I want, therefore, automatically eliminating what I don't want to dream of. It only works sometimes. 

As an aid to my lucid dreaming, I have photos of who and/or what I wish to dream of. Strongly focusing on that which is desired is only a part of the technique. The mood I'm in can also play a part. Then, there are safety words. Depending upon my mood, the dream can turn from bliss into terror in an instant. For this, I use a sound machine. Rain sounds, ocean sounds, crickets chirping sounds, babbling brook, white noise. It helps.

For those times when my gut tells me that the dream has a possibility of changing, I pre-program a safety word or phrase as I'm dropping off to sleep. In the dream, if it turns into a night terror, I can say the safety word or phrase to instantly escape from the danger or simply make myself wake up.

Sleep has been difficult for me only in the past 10 years or so. Sleeping alone is a very different sleep from when there is someone else in the bed. The warmth, comfort, sounds (as long as it isn't the ex huzz loud snoring!) of another person in the bed next to me were always conducive to better, uninterrupted sleep.

Staying single is my choice, I know. Also, staying happy, peaceful, with more freedom than I have ever had. 

Still, if I could choose who was in the bed next to me, I would sleep the slumber of angels.

For now? I use lucid dreaming.

Try it!

You might like it! 

Moving forward!

Change is the spice in life, for me! Living in a very small town in Michigan where I went to school with most of the same people from K - 12, living in the same house, change was disconcerting to me at that time.

US Air Force

When I left my parents home to serve my country, change was a constant presence, almost daily, in my life. People would enter my work/social sphere to leave quickly, some stayed, most of them left as suddenly as they arrived.
Very little advance notice.
There's no Change of Command Ceremony when one commands little to nothing, even in their own lives.

Single Life

It was a fast paced tumultuous time. Sometimes marred by sexual harassment, assault. Sometimes another male would intervene to give me some shelter from the abuse. Through it all, I learned who I was, what my capabilities are, as well as my own personal weaknesses. 
Coping, as best I could, rolling with the punches, the changes.

Married Life

99% work! Had to learn to organize, re-organize. Tear a home apart then put it all together in a new location, often a new country or state. Adapt. Adjust. Try to keep my sanity. Maybe it was the selfish male I was married to, maybe we were incompatible. Maybe a bit of both. Being married was a bad experience for me. I gave birth to 4 children, add in a selfish spouse, it was like having 5. UGH!

Single Again!

It was my choice, I filed, I even paid the $385. filing fee. I would have cut my right arm off to break free if I had to. Thankfully, I only had to pay the fee to become free from an abusive male.
It was a tough yet, necessary adjustment, for sure!
It was good that I had added being flexible, versatile & mentally/emotionally strong to my repertoire of skills.  Surviving a divorce takes more fortitude than anyone can imagine.
I learned to cook for one. Learned to keep noise in my domicile at all times to quash the ring of silence in the air.
The anger & absence of my children from my life was debilitating, so, I put photos of them away to ease the pain of missing them. I still missed them, yet, they were most certainly, dealing with their own pain as best they could. The 2 youngest lived with their father who poisoned their minds with his self pity & lies about me.
Que sera sera.

Living in Texas!!!!

Moving to Texas took a great deal of courage, it was a lot of work with a modicum of help from 2 friends who stuck by me. The UHaul truck was loaded up with 1/2 of the possessions I owned. 1/2 was sold in yard sales or donated or given away. The last of which, I put a "Curb Alert" on Craigslist, filling the yard with the last of the items I decided I could do without. Thank you to all the Mexicans in Colorado Springs, CO for carting it off!
With my car dollied behind the UHaul truck, my 2 Yorkies, Jake & Jefferson on the front passenger seat beside me, enough "healthy food" to keep me out of the truck stop diners, we drove on down!
It took 10 hours with only 2 stops for the boys to run around & to fill the fuel tank.
We were on an adventure.
I was in a lot of pain at times, I did experience a bit of anxiety at times, yet, we made it!
Texas has a lower cost of living than Colorado. The people are definitely nicer. At least on the surface whereas the people of Colorado, in my experience, were colder, even snobby.

Life Since Moving to Texas

Life has been, I would say, different. It's tough to make friends in a small town where people are, mostly,  very suspicious & closed off to anyone they didn't go to High School with or are not related to.
There are enough exceptions to this rule to make life a bit more pleasant.
The owner of an antiques, odds & ends shop who is just kind hearted! She opens her heart, opens her mind to those in need. Even if it's just a friendly conversation when things are slow in her shop.

The guy who's in charge of many charitable organizations in this town. He gives of his time and the resources of which he is a steward, to Veterans as well as others in need of counsel.

Last, yet, certainly, not least, the fellow Veteran who has opened her home & offered her friendship to me! She's one of the kindest people I have met since moving here. She's also very clever & a lot of fun to be around! 


Still, I have had to adapt to many changes, since moving to Texas. I have moved out of choice or necessity, 5 times since 2012. I'm looking to move a 6th time in 2017. Being happy is paramount for me. Deciding to be happy was one of the best decisions I have ever made.
I want to be happy, therefore, I will be. 
A funny thing, the human mind. It has power beyond comprehension!

Other changes, happily is that my weight is steadily dropping! My weight is at the lowest it has been in a long long time. Muscle tone is increasing, my mind is more clear than ever. 
Since moving to Texas, in May of 2012, I have dropped 30 lbs. Oh, I still want to drop another 30, while increasing muscle tone, to be more fit than ever.
It feels good.

Maybe, it's due to living in a smaller, more quiet city, yet, the ability to focus, to concentrate has returned. This ability left me in the turmoil of divorce. It's not at the level that it once was, yet, I'm grateful to say, it's quite close & improving steadily! Whereas I could not focus enough to read even one paragraph in a book, I can, now speed read through a book in one afternoon. 
Progress!

Spirituality as well as faith in a higher power has also returned to me. This is a deeply personal struggle, which I won't provide details on, yet, it has also steadily come back to me.

Whereas, being single & alone, without a man in my life, at first, used to scare me into depression, deeply painful loneliness setting in. 
Having learned how to be single, again, has taught me that I can be just as happy with a man in my life as I can be, without one. I will always love & appreciate men & the masculine traits which are so appealing to me. 
Knowing that I have so much to give, so much that is desirable to offer, used to make me feel that it was all so wasted. It isn't wasted. It's preserved within me.
If the right man comes into my life, great, if he doesn't, I'll be fine.
Having a man in my life is less important than having happiness, peace, flashes of excitement & FUN!
I have had several opportunities to date, even marry, none of which felt right, so, I declined to move it forward. Very good decisions.
Many women seem to need a man in their lives in order to feel whole, complete, as if they are somehow, more worthy as a woman simply because another person of the male gender desires to share a life with them. If this is how they feel, I say, GO FOR IT! :)
I feel complete, worthy & whole, a man in my life would be a bonus vs being the whole raison de etre. (reason to exist or to be).

Life is quite good for me, right now. My VA saga is drawing to a conclusion, weight is dropping, concentration has returned.

Happiness is under-rated.

Are you happy, dear reader? I hope so!

Find your inspiration & happiness, it's everywhere!

Peace

A Romantic Heart

Once in awhile, like this morning, my soft, romantic heart is stirred into awakening. 

There has been tragedy in my church family as well as my own, which touched my heart with sadness, with love for those who are grieving, with reflection on my own suicidal tendencies.

It's true.

I DO have suicidal thoughts, have even made a few attempts in the misery of my abusive marriage. Failed attempts. Only thoughts of suicide since then. 

A suicide plan. 

When I feel the sadness that 2 suicides have generated, it makes me rethink my own suicide plan.

People who speak out against suicide don't understand how it feels.

People who end their own lives don't want to die, yet, it's the only way they can think of to end their deep, searing pain.

Permanently.

I know this pain, personally.

I live with it. 

My heart has been battered, bruised & torn by the pain of the cruelty of males in my life. The cruelty of a gang of girls who nearly killed me. The cruelty of living in a small town where most of the people don't want me, here. Many have asked me, 

"Why don't you move somewhere else?"

or

"If I were you, I would just move somewhere else."

It's far from being so simple.

The tragedy of the events of the weekend, the cooling off of the weather, then, an excellent morning workout. All of this has put me in a reflective mood, already.

Then......

My softened heart, tenderized, already.The song played by my favorite country station, started. It speaks to my heart. It speaks to the soft woman that I am. 

A soft ooshy-gooshy heart which I fiercely protect with an impenetrable wall around it lest it become shattered, as it was in 2012, ever again. I wrote on my heart, a vow to protect it from being hurt again. An important promise to keep.

****************************************************

They read you Cinderella, 

you hoped it would come true

That, one day, your Prince Charming 

would come rescue you

You like romantic movies, 

you never will forget

The way you felt when 

Romeo kissed Juliet

All this time that you've been waiting!

You don't have to wait no more!

I can love you like that

I would make you my world

Move heaven and earth if you were my girl

I will give you my heart

Be all that you need

Show you you're everything that's precious to me

If you give me a chance

I can love you like that

I never make a promise I don't intend to keep

So when I say forever, forever's what I mean

I'm no Casanova but I sweat this much is true

I'll be holding nothin back when it comes to you

You dream of love that's everlasting

Well, baby, open up your eyes.......

***************************************

I know that was long, yet, it gives you the idea of what type of mood I'm in on this cool, misty morning. 

Yes, I do believe that this kind of love exists. I believe there are strong, kind, masculine guys who love their wives with their whole hearts. More importantly, they are faithful to their wives, mind, body, heart & soul. I know these guys exist.

There has only been one true man in my life who was this way with me, yet, I see other men who are this way with their lovely wives.

Romance?

Yes, please!

Please, sir, could I have some more romance?

Yes, more, if you have it to give.

Although my heart is closed to all males, it's opened to romance. Romance which can be;  listening to romantic music, dressing in soft silky clothing which feels so good on my skin. Romance can be reading poetry which describes the stirrings of the heart.

My heart was not always closed. It had to close to protect what is left of the positive feelings toward the males in the world who are good men who have never harmed it. 

Just like an egg, the shell around it protects the delicate contents. It would only take just the right pressure of one with truly honorable intent to break the shell.
The fairytale "true love's first kiss to break the spell" or, in this case, the honorable intent to break the hard shell.

Maybe he has not revealed himself to me, or maybe he has. *smile*

Stay tuned.