When it's most of your experience.......

Where did this start? 
This practice of people being so flaky? So fake?
Also, when?
It's a twisted web, peeps.

People can be so fake, fake boobs, fake credentials, fake identity, fake marital status, fake photos.
Although it's usually in the pursuit of lucre,  it can also be for pure selfish gratification. Romance scams are so prevalent. Within the US, outside the US. It's a sad fact of our modern existence. 
This aspect has made so many people mistrustful, wary, sometimes even stooping to being shady, themselves, in order to cope with what is all around them.
Fighting fire with fire creates a bigger fire! Most of the time. 
There are a myriad of different reasons, causes, situational life aspects that bring about being untruthful. Some are deliberate, some are obliviousness, some are defensive.

Having been in a long relationship, then, having to leave to escape abuse. The reasonably socially safe bubble I lived in shielded me from the way the world had changed while I was in  it.

I didn't know.

Leaving "the bubble" I was slapped in the arse with the cold reality of what it was like to be single once more.

It whammed me in stages.

Stage 1 ~ I'm alone, OMFG I'M ALONE! Sadness, anxiety, fear, hopelessness, what's to become of me?

Stage 2 ~ Wow! People are so cruel. Enter: Michael. There's hope! We can get married, have a couple kiddos. Happily ever after. I felt safe. I felt enveloped in the love of this wonderful man. Only a few months later, the rug was pulled out from under me when he died.

Back to Stage 1.

Stage 3 ~ Moving on. Out in the dating world of guys that only wanted one thing. 
Clue: The way to a mans' heart is NOT through his stomach. It's through his chest wall! 😁

Stage 4 ~ Still hoping there was someone out there who would love me, let me get to know him enough to love him. Frustration.

Stage 5 ~ From personal experience, 90% of the people out there are liars, cheaters, users of other people. I started out trusting, until I learned that trust can only be earned, it's unsafe to freely give it.
Only believe actions, words are easily spoken, actions tell more.

Stage 6 ~ After several severe heartbreaks, I learned to only depend upon me. To love with my whole heart while using my brain. I watch what people do, only believe when their words are repeatedly backed up with positive, affirming actions that are healthy for both people.

Stage 7 ~ Having learned to be happy, being single, being alone, it's a very sweet existence. When I see other people going through what I went through with the (male & female) liars, cheaters, fakes, users, fun suckers, energy vampires, truly, I TRY to share with them. Some of them have not progressed enough to hear it.
Some of them have experienced excruciating pain while it's less pain than it takes for them to "get it."

I say, affectionately ~ KNUCKLE HEADS!!!!!  😁 

The 7 stages are complete. My lover is fitness! Comfortable in my own skin. Hitting hiccups, occasionally. Losing my mojo. Getting it back! Finding peace, love, happiness, fulfillment in a life of joy.

The one drawback that remains is that so many people are still so fake. Online, offline, in real life. It's difficult to decipher who is real, who is not. It's akin to a tangled ball of yarn. Hard to see where the lies end & the truth is.
A very skilled liar knows to tell lies with small kernels of truth woven in so as to keep the victim guessing, doubting their own judgement. 
The perp will use a persons' trust in him/her against them.

What can we do? 

Be discerning, my dear ones. The more often you trust yourself at detecting lies, the more often you will be able to recognize truth. 

Refrain from getting involved in untruthful practices.
Refrain from getting mixed up in dishonest practices.
Truthful is about facts (marital status, the current date, the color of the sky, the actual parent given name of an individual. FACTS!)
Honesty is about emotions. (Happy, Scared,  Joyful, Disgusted!)

Happiness is an individual state of being. You must first be happy being by yourself before you can be happy with another person.
You must first love yourself to be able to accept the love from others.

**When most of what you have experienced is fake, it's tricky to recognize authenticity**

Be your most authentic self, for yourself. 

Feel the freedom, the peace of mind this gives! 

GO!

My Guardian Angel

He comes to me when I sleep
In soft repose
Or when I weep
He comes to me 

He has no name 
He has no face
He has a presence 
I can't erase

He comforts my being
He comforts my soul
He gives such peace
Makes my heart feel whole

He lets me know
Good guys still live
With  need for love
Still need to give

He sits by my side 
To guide To protect
Tells me who to trust
Who to suspect

When I listen 
I find peace
When I don't
It will cease

Clandestine

Clan.des.tine : /klan 'destin, klan. des tin

kept secret or done secretly, especially because illicit
EG: "She deserved better than these clandestine meetings."

The bad news, first. We live in an often clandestine world.
The good news, now. It makes life a bit more interesting. Mostly.

People text each other while sitting at the same table, in the same room, at the same time, or, they ignore. Ah, yes, modern tech. *sigh*

Many people use tech to cheat on their spouses or significant ones, sometimes to attract someone to cheat with or just because they are single, a bit lonely. Very human.

It's all a tad clandestine.

It's in your control.

Or not.

GO! 

Who wants a strong woman?

Having heard the refrain, "Guys don't want a strong woman" from many sources, it becomes a curiosity. 
It has made me curious!

In the world that is 2018 in the country where I live which is the USA, it has become a necessity for females to be more savvy, more self sufficient, stronger than they have ever been.

The paradox in this is that there are so many insecure males. It seems that as the anti-male population of wronged women grows, this threatens a lot of insecure guys. Many strong women crave having a male companion to share their life with, while, sadly, sometimes go without finding the one who makes their pearl, unfurl!
It's a catch 22.
Google it, please. 

Don't believe me?

If you are so bold or so unkind, choose a male in your life, lightly wound his ego. The relationship between you two will forever change. 
Caveat ~ It may even end.
Most males are far less forgiving of ego wounds than most females.

What, you may ask, is a strong woman. 

The definition is subjective.

From a number of sources:

A strong woman has her shizz together.
A strong woman has her life handled, well, mostly.
A strong woman doesn't need a man.

The first 2, yeah, I can see that!
The last one, I have no way to relate to that. I love guys & everything about them. Yeah, everything, yet, less than everything about every guy. Having favorite traits, things that turn me on, yeah, I know who "does it" for me, also, who is a no-go.

As an employer once told me during a rather un-employerly convo, "Guys like a strong woman. As long as she isn't stronger than him."
Maybe this is truth.
Thoughts?
Please feel free to share.

Different Levels, Different Devils

I will love you
I will support you
I will help you
I will seek to understand you

One thing I will refrain from is judging you. 

It's someone elses job. Certainly, a job I refrain from.

All of us are fighting different devils, different struggles , different levels..
Judging YOU is something that is to be refrained from.

You are wonderful, just as you are.
I am wonderful just as I are.

Personal struggles are something I have, therefore, it is the job of only one to judge.

You, my darling may struggle with your weight, finances, spiritual warfare, much more!

It is only my desire to help, to refrain from judging.

It's a thin spiritual endeavor.

Teach me to walk in the light of his love
Teach me to pray to my father above
Teach me to know of the things that are right
Teach me, teach me to walk in the light

This is a part of the hymn which is imprinted upon my heart.

I didn't write it, yet, it speaks to me, to my heart.

Peeps, let it imprint on our heart. Google it. Let it imprint on your heart.

I love you.
I cherish you.

Your Effort

Yes, I noticed.

Chris Martin, all  of the members of Coldplay, I noticed.

Along with MANY, I noticed.

The little people such as moi, I noticed.

You, Chris Martin, as well as thousands, we have noticed that you care. That you notice the needs of those who love your music, love the very personable efforts you make, have noticed.

The little ones out here know that every member of the band, Chris, Jonny, Guy, Will, we notice your effort. 

If I may, I notice the effort you display for  each & every  one who loves you, who loves your  vids on You Tube. I see our efforts online,  I love your music!


Please!

Keep doing this!

So manly, so attractive!

Yes

It's so attractive, to me, it is.

Having heard the sheer joy of a single dad express his gratitude that there are now changing stations in many mens restrooms, it may seem odd, it touched my heart.

This 30 something guy, unexpectedly, found himself to be a single dad. He stepped up to the plate, manned up. 

He's now a single dad. 

He arranged with his job, thankfully, to work from home 3 days out of his 5 day work week, to optimize time with his daughter.

From my perspective, as I love men so much, love children so much!!!!! 
It touched my heart to see this very masculine guy step in to make sure his daughter has the care she needs. Her mother is no longer living, so, when he learned this, he manned up!
In truth, I find this so appealing, so sexy, so very attractive that I volunteered to step in as a sitter, no money involved, any time he felt he needed a break.
Do you know what he said?
He said ~
"That's just it, Brenda! I can't get enough time with her! I know that each age she is will only last a short time. I want to be there!"

Could this man  be any more appealing to me?
Could he be any more attractive in his mindset?

NO!

As one who loved my time that I was with child, labor, the birth of my 4 sweet babies, their infancy, their childhoods. I feel to be the consummate mother, the lover of life, the lover of sex, the lover of men, children, anyone & anything that needs me. Love that!

Upon hearing this wonderful man, express his love for his child, admittedly, it brought joy in my heart, tears to my eyes.

His baby girl doesn't know it yet, she will grow, flourish, be bathed in the love of a father who will be there.

It's more than many girls have or will have.

I had the loving masculinity of my doting grandfather, Sherman Leroy Kendall. It was unknown to me at the time, yet, he showed me the yardstick at which to measure the males in my life.
He was one who lived against the odds. His mother died shortly after giving birth to him. He was a Detroit COP during turbulent years, he married my grandmother who was divorced & he adopted her child.
YES! Men like my adored grandfather Sherman Kendall still live, breathe, flourish today, in 2018. I have met one, most likely there are 200 more of his caliber.

There are many,many good men like him out there in the world!!!!

You could possibly be one of them.

Only you know.

You're a diamond taking shape!!!

I believe in you!  💓

Living With a Defective Heart

In the world that is 2018, there is so much meee meee meee whereas it was, once upon a time: kinder, gentler, less selfish.

By those standards, I'm defective.

While still being kind to myself, first, have to replenish the water in my own well to give to those who thirst, I struggle. This defective heart of mine still wishes to give, to remain generous, even empathetic. It's dangerous in this materialistic world of million dollar weddings in which the marriage barely lasts 10 years. This is a world where a 5 year old is GIVEN a $200. phone while the homelessness rate is still a growing problem.

This is a world where people carelessly discard lovers, family, pets with as much care as they toss a disposable razor in the rubbish bin with barely a thought.
This practice is so common, it has a term. Ghosting.

No. I have not "ghosted" anyone, ever.

This is not to say I won't do it in the future, I'm only human. It's quite unlikely, however, with my awareness of the pain it causes.

At the risk of sounding faintly self promoting, my heart is too empathetic, too much of a soft & feeling heart, to do that.

The desire is to be more help than hurt in the world. To leave the world with more acts of kindness than acts of pain-causing selfishness. Every day, accomplishing random acts of kindness is something of an endeavor. 

It IS an accomplishment.

As one who fights against the tide of selfishness it is sometimes difficult. People are very aware. When trying to accomplish a random act of kindness, cameras are everywhere, people with cameras are everywhere!

As much as I despise the over media-fication of so many (as in, people who stay on their phones for 12 hours per day or more) I know it's a fact of life. Fighting it is futile. 
People I know
People unknown
Family
ETC.

All of these have given in to the lure of media addiction.
These people could wean themselves from their addiction if they so wished. Most are lacking the motivation, much less the driving force to wean themselves from turning to their phones to google information 5 or more times per day. It says, "My desire to know stuff is more important than the people I'm supposed to be spending time with, right now."
Many of us stand no chance at all.

Could this be the source which is causing so many souls to interact with their phones instead of discussion with actual humans?
Maybe.
The temptation is so very strong, the pushers of the uber cool cell phones know this. They be skillful varmints.  :(

In this quest to kick against becoming dependent upon a 4" x 3" device, I interact with humans. Other humans, who are less media addicted than the status quo of addicted to media humans.

When other peeps observe this, they make comments such as:

~ Do you know how to use a smart phone?
 ~ Can't you afford an i-phone???
~ Why don't you buy an i-phone?
~ You need an i-phone!

To which I respond ~ No, thank you.

Period. Lacking an exclamation point.

Preferring to remain as an empathetic person, a more human connected human. Basically, more human than media-human.

Can you live, just *ONE DAY* without doing nothing more than simply answering those calls in which you recognize the caller. Can you live in comfort, just one day without looking something up to verify or information search on your phone?

Can you?

If you can, that's an accomplishment.

If not, you might be media, addicted.

I promise you it will be worth it.

If not, I challenge you. 

GO!

A Wild Ride!

In mid May of this year (2018) I was thrilled to have the opportunity to meet someone I have admired for a long, long time! There was a retreat planned for May 18 - 20 in San Antonio. The drive down there was around 481 km. (300 miles!)
Having made the drive 4 times before, I was fine with it until.....
one of the worst storms I have ever driven in kicked its' forces of nature up to full blast!
There were strong winds, I would guestimate 25 mph. Torrential rain, then, golf ball sized hail!
Truthfully, I wondered if this was how I would go. As in, am I going to die in this storm? It was that scary! 

Driving slowly with caution lights flashing, I made it!

When I tell you that it was a weekend get together for around 100 needle workers, you might think some thoughts.
~ yawn
~ dull
~ boring
~ ugh

Peeps! I'm here to tell you that it was anything except dull! There were ladies (plus a few guys) there, of all ages, from other countries, ethnicities.  There were mother/daughter attendees, mother/son attendees. A couple of the ladies were expectant mothers to be. 
All of them came together for the great passion we all have for needlework. 
Hang on, this is gorgeous, imaginative,sometimes R-rated stitching!

There was alot of togetherness, comeraderie, making new friends, seeing long time friends, exchanges of gifts & yes, margaritas & wine! 
Even 1 giant dildo.

Yup. ha ha! 

So, before you think of needlework as boring, extinct, so
 blase'-passe'.............think again!

The needlework designer, who is most beloved by all, the goddess behind Mirabilia, was there! It was my thrill, my pleasure to meet this creative genius! She IS Mirabilia!

http://www.mirabilia.com/

This is a mermaid I stitched as a gift to my daughter who was so kind to let me borrow it for display at the retreat.

 The title is Deepest Love designed by Nora Adams - Corbett, stitched by me on 32  ( 32 squares to 1") Teal Dawn, 2 over 1.

Nora Adams - Corbett was so congenial, so much fun, so nice, she spread herself thin, making sure to talk to everyone. She gave her undivided attention to each and every attendee to this weekend retreat! She drank wine in the evenings, conversed, laughed, joked, participated to the fullest! She even posed for numerous pictures with all those who requested it. So humble, so very kind!
I feel so thrilled to have come home with a piece of her original artwork!

One of the side bonuses was to spend time with family members who live in the San Antonio area. That was a huge bonus for me!

The hotel had an adequate fitness center, a very nice pool, a little bistro/bar, a fantastic gathering area with little nooks & tables in their lobby.

https://www.marriott.com/hotels/hotel-photos/satca-courtyard-san-antonio-airport/

When the meeting room was overflowing with people, we gathered out in the lobby to sit in groups, have conversation & stitch with other needle work enthusiasts.

This is a design I stitched, which someone told me looks like a self portrait. Hmm. So complimentary. I will accept this rose.  :)
(This is not a Mirabilia design, yet, it could easily be one!)

In my own truth, it didn't happen as I thought it would, yet, it happened as it should. It was deliciously wonderful & made great memories that I will treasure for many years to come.

Tell Me

Tell me all about the best of you
So I can love all the rest in you 
Tell me about your deepest hope
I know it can be a slippery slope
Tell me about your darkest side
We all know it can be a wild ride
Just trust me with who you are
The real you with all of your scars
I will love you in all your reals
Give you a true case of the feels
Be your most authentic self
Unlike anybody else
Even when you're breaking
I will still love you

Are you native?

This is such a broad question.

This "Are you native?" question

This is so very subjective to personal interpretation.

Well, are you?

:)

When living in Colorado, many times I heard this proud exclamation!
"My family has lived in Colorado for 6 generations, I'm a native!"

Sometimes I replied with, "I'm 1/2 Native American (as it says on my birth certificate; Father: American Indian) so, I was here before you!"

Having learned to simply reply with, "That's so cool!" benefited me more as the way I really felt was inflammatory. Keep the peace!

My father was nearly 100% Native American. However, when I submitted to a DNA analysis, it said I am 55% Native American right down to my lil genes, y'all!

Having felt NA heritage deeply, the scant 5% more thrilled me!

Here's a twist in this.

Upon arrival to my first duty station in Hawai'i, I felt something.

It was a feeling of home, of connection.

It was more feeling than about the beauty of the land, flowers, people, music, foods, ocean.
It was a feeling of "home." I was alone in the world for the first time, the absence of family, familiar surroundings, familiar friends.

I see what you did, there, USAF!

As adjusting to new surroundings was paramount, it was necessary to adjust.....quickly!
So, adjust, I did, only, I did it slowly. At a comfortable pace for me.

Soon, I was grooving to island music, going to the beach every day, buying huli-huli chicken whenever I saw it.
Fun times, y'all!

Having physical features which were enough to make me stand out when I left the military base, I really stood out! Strawberry blonde with light green eyes. Not exactly the picture of an island girl!
I was a guest in the islands, so, I was courteous & respectful as any guest should be.
This was a different attitude from the somewhat "better than you" attitudes which other "guests" exhibited which was less than welcome to the local people of Hawaii. Understandable.
The longer I lived in the islands, the more I grew to love the people of this beautiful place.
The version of English ~ Pidgin ~ which the locals speak, was very endearing. A sort of relaxed, song like way of speaking. Loved it!

People who either blend in so well or have lived in the islands a long time are known as kama'ainas (cah-mah-aye-nahs). My local friends on the north shore of Oahu accepted me, I was kama'aina.

Since living in Hawaii years ago, I still carry that love for the islands in my heart. I'm a mainlander, now, I keep going back.

Hawaii calls to me, I go back.

Divine 2

Sooooo........supplements!

My first supplement was Redline ~ the dynamite in a little bottle with a sapphire blue label. Hmm. I thought. Hmm.
If this pretty little blue bottle stuff is this good......hmm.
Looking into it, I found that Redline by VPX Sports was also available in a concentrated syrup as well as capsule form.
Hmm.
(That's my thinking hmm)

Because I think in frugal terms, as in, "How do I get what I want and/or need while dropping as little cheddar as possible?" I was doing a bit o' research.
The capsule form seemed like it would take too long.
The concentrated syrup form?
HELLO!
It was necessary to exercise caution & to do something so many numb nuts idjits didn't do, they didn't follow the directions!
There was a slew of Darwin Award winners who ruined it.
The redline concentrated syrup is no longer made, the capsule form is very hard to find & those who have it take full advantage $$$$$.

There are many roads that lead to most destinations.

Yeah! When I want to "get there", I know how! Anywhere!

The sports supplement variety has exploded since then.

There are hundreds, in varying strengths, in a multitude of price ranges available on the market.

Just as Albert Einstein challenged himself to find as many uses as he could for everyday objects, sports supplements have many uses!

Having taken a few solo road trips (Not totally alone, I keep a charged taser on the passenger seat next to me, fully prepped to use it if necessary), having never become addicted to coffee, when I need it, I use sports supplements.
The benefits are the very low calories, fewer potty stops.
Tastes great ~ less filling!

There are occasional days when I know I NEED a workout, yet, am feeling unmotivated, tired, depressed, a myriad of stuff!
ha ha! Yup.

Entre' ~ le supplement!

et

Voila'!

Le Energizer Bunny!

At times, when life gets too heavy, a supplement can brighten my mood, again, with low calories, more energy.
*sigh*
Instant mood lift.
CAVEAT ~ Take the condition of your heart, health, emotional condition into account. FOLLOW THE DIRECTIONS!
Darwin Awards are possible if you fail to follow directions or take your personal health into account.

Sports supplements are sold at GNC, in grocery stores, pharmacies.
Personally? I find the best variety with the lowest prices, online.
What a shock! Riiiiiiight? Not.

Another aspect I want to stress is that not everyone needs supplements, can afford them or because of their profession or their health, can nor should use them.

Whereas I used to use supps all the time, I only use them occasionally, now. Sometimes, refraining or as some refer to it as, "cycling off" to prevent dependency, prevent damage to the endocrine system.
Like anything, caution is called for.

Maybe this sup talk inspired you or informed you.

I hope so.

Into the corner...

Pressure me into a corner
If you can handle what is next
It will be less pleasuring 
Than is make-up sex

I'm rarely stubborn
Just haltingly enough
To let another know
I'll have my own way, own stuff

Boyfriends get boyfriends priviledge
Husbands get more for sure
If he makes it that far
I'm just living a life that is pure

When the sex pressure starts
The, "I only buy a car with a test drive."
Lets me know in regards to hearts
There's less care of  heart to create love alive 

Yes!
It's clear to me
Guys connect through sex
That cannot happen with me
Until you are over your ex

Even then I have learned  so well
To have unmarried sex is only
For me, an early hell
So...I remain solo... happy
90% alone, sometimes lonely

Prince Charming? (as long as you're sincere!)
Come to me.

 

Supplementally Divine

Sometimes ya just need a lil help, ya know? 
A lil somethin' ~ somethin' to get ya going, get ya "by"?
No?
Okay.

Hey y'all! I'm Brenda & sometimes, I do need this!

It's normal, it's part of the human condition. It's a Universal key that there are hills & valleys, even occasional plateaueum (that's plural for plateau, I made it up, feel free to use it, no charge!).

The hills can feel like they are killing you, the valleys are so "meh". 
The plateau is, in many respects, the worst of all! It's difficult to say why you feel so blah. It isn't exactly depression, the cause is absent, yet, the absence of your happy joy-joy is so real!

Enter: (ta daa) the supplement!

By supplement, it can be anything that makes your motor rev a bit!

For me? It's legal chemical! 

As long as your physical/ mental/emotional health allows this, even your profession, in some peeps, go get ya some!
Face it, peeps, the fast pace of the life we live in the beloved U-S-0f-A is unnatural for humans. It can be so heavy at times.
Therefore, there's a lot of difficulty to deal with, unnatural stuff.

Big Pharma is profiting from this. There's a diagnosis, a pill, a med for everything! It all profits big pharma,

So, some might ask, big pharma or supps, same thing right?

Umm, yes.......and, no.

Any substance can develop into a dependency, anything. Coffee, chocolate, hell, some people get addicted to sniffing new dolls!

The difference is in the hands of every individual. It can be a very tricky, hard to handle solution or it can be simple while being subject to delayed gratification.
6 of one & well, half dozen pencils of the other.
(Don't say doughnuts! I'll want one!)

So, yeah, I use supplements, I use them wisely, prudently, with informed usage & restraint. Whereas I used to take them routinely before each workout, now, I only take them if I really need to.
Having gone on 2 - 4 month stretches without, it prevents dependency.

I remember when my love affair with Redline began & exactly who introduced it to me, my pusher! ha ha!
It was legal, completely legal.

I was a busy wife & mother to teenagers. I was going at full-speed, I was taking care of it all, I was tired! All the time.
So, I started working at a gym. (Good choice, there, skippy!)

One day, I went in to work. There were bags under my eyes, my shirt was on inside out, I had barely thrown my hair into a half done pony. Tired! Tail dragging tired!

Enter: Jeff, the fitness buff. Yeah, baby, he was so buff!

He took a look at me, told me what I needed, even bought it for me!
(Classic signs of a pusher.)

He cautioned me to only drink 1/3 of the Redline triple berry drink ~WOW!

When some one tells me that? Yeah, I swim against the tide, BABY!

I drank half. Then, feeling nothing, 5 minutes later, the rest!

I had energy. Energy to the 100th power!

Energy for the whole day & then, some!

So, it began.

Stay tuned, there's a surprise.

Have you been there?

As the tune goes ~ 

Dance!
Like you've never been hurt
Like you've never been sad, baby!
Dance!
Like this beautiful moment
Is all that you have!
Don't be afraid!
All your waiting is over 
Just look in my eyes
And not over your shoulder
Don't let your memories get in the way
Baby, dance!
Like there's no yesterday 
If you've been lost
If you've been wronged
If you've been broken...and left all alone
If you seen nights
That you thought wouldn't end
If you felt like
You don't have any friends
This is your time
This is your chance!
Dance!
Like you've never been hurt
Like you've never been sad, baby!
Dance!
Like this beautiful moment
Is all that you have
Don't be afraid
All your waiting is over
Just look in my eyes
And not over your shoulder
Don't let one memory get in the way
Baby!
Dance!
Like there's no yesterday! 
(Watch the video for the rest, I challenge you to watch it and not be happy for this newly wed couple, hope you feel the chills. I did!!)

~Mark Wills ~ Like There's No yesterday ~

The wedding video that inspired this blog entry is a refrain in the hearts of girls AND guys, too.

https://youtu.be/rAmmvj-7g6o 

(This video gave me chills up & down and a huge smile!!!!!)

So many people out there in the world, so, lonely, so much longing to find someone who will love them unconditionally. Sometimes, they find it, more often they think they have found it only to be let down again
then, again
and again.

Some people truly do find it, then, through carelessness, selfishness or just life, getting in the way, it slips away from them.

The wise ones are the ones who find this very precious, rare, connection. They recognize it, cherish it, nurture it, hold onto it through whatever life throws at them.

It's tricky.

It's hard to find, sometimes hard to shake or easily lost when one person takes it for granted. Mistakenly believing that the other person will keep putting up with the BS they are dishing out to someone they vowed to love.

Some people actually DO put up with the emotional, psychological, spiritual as well as sometimes physical torment at the hands of the other person. 
It ages a person, prematurely when they have a beloved who dishes a steady stream or even an intermittent stream of selfish actions which hurt, scar, torment the other.

I digress.

Then........there are some, such as *moi* who really believed I had met a decent person, several times, actually, only to find that the knight in shining armor was, well, a POS in tin foil.

Before I turned into the dreaded man hater, the jaded one who envies happy heterosexual married couples, hated romance, believed all guys are BAD....................I stopped.

Stopped while I still love romance. Still love to look at the happiness that other people find in wedded bliss. 
I stopped dating, stopped wishing, hoping, yearning, believing that *just one* decent, caring guy would come into my life to show me that not all guys just want to fuck. Yeah, you read that right!

It didn't happen for me, so, I find my happiness in being happy for other people. Finding happiness in traveling, doing kind things for other people, indulging in my own passions, reaping the happiness of what I have in this life instead of missing what I don't have!

This is to say that someone may enter my life in the future or not. Being happy, is key to a good life!

Giving gratitude to all those guys who hurt me so badly, including the abusive ex huzz, for the life lessons.give me 1/2 of the money 

The ex huzz cheated me financially, so badly. He promised to give me 1/2 of the money when his parents home sold if I gave him half of MY inheritance. 
Of course he got half of my inheritance, because I honor my promises. 
He never knew my father, he still got half of the money left to me. 

Ex huzz was living high, jetting off to Hawai'i........while I had to live on one egg a day.
He didn't care that the mother of his 4 children was starving.
These lessons taught me to be okay on my own. 
The absence of desperation to have a man in my life is a gift.

I see, feel, witness this sad, tormenting desperation in so many single girls out there, who want just one good, decent guy to love them & treat them well. 
Trying to tell them that it can be different is like talking to a brick wall!

If I could bottle this absence of desperation, this absence of yearning, & give it to those single folks out there, I would. Single girls as well as single guys.

YES! I TRULY WOULD!

It hurts to see the suffering. 

Yet, we all have our own lessons to learn, we can only do it for ourselves in trial, error, pain, healing...repeat.

The gratitude I feel toward the guys who hurt me & taught me & brought me to this point of peace, solitary happiness is immeasurable.

So, I WILL dance, laugh, be happy.....even a bit playful & silly!

I will dance!