A Little Bit of a Christmas Message

Of all the Christmas messages I have received, this little message has stayed with me the longest, has stayed the most.
Robert Louis Stevenson had it right, all along.

I won't call myself a Christian although I put it into practice every day that I breathe. 
Seeing people with crosses swinging from their necks as they swear, act rude to others, flip the bird as they cut someone off in traffic or are cut off, even cheating on their spouses, I don't want to be associated with those images.
Proclaiming to the world to be a follower of Jesus Christ, with a cross hanging on a chain around your neck, as your actions proclaim the very opposite of what it stands for.

The planet, Venus, appearing closer to earth in the night sky, often during the day, as well, was the very star followed by wisemen, shepherds, etc, as the story goes. Every year, I watch for Venus to shine bright in the sky as a herald to the Christmas season.
Is it any wonder that Venus is the love planet? The goddess of love.

Love

Love

Love

As Venus shines so bright in the heavens, people run about to parties, shopping, scrambling, often at a fevered pitch.

Take some time, peeps. Gaze at that beautiful bright star. Stop to contemplate the love you can show to others. Take a friend out for lunch, go to an animal shelter to cuddle a kitty, walk their dogs. It's all in the spirit of love. Loving someone, something outside of yourself with the singular thought to spread kindness & love.

Is it a surprise to you that your efforts will have a ripple effect?

You may be saving the life of a helpless animal when you keep them socialized. Someone who is barely surviving financially or emotionally, who is your server at a restaurant, will appreciate a little compassion in the form of finances or kindness. 
How about both!

Kind acts of love will speak more about you than any crosses you hang around your neck, your rear view mirror, the walls of your home. Actions with the pure intent to spread good will speak volumes more than having bibles sitting around your home. Being kind for the sole sake of being kind with pure intent to forsake your needs to benefit someone else.

Get out there, shed the chains of the world, free your heart to breathe love in, exhale the materialism of the world, inhale love, exhale the breath of kindness upon others, repeat, repeat repeat.

Alone in a BIG World

What to do when you find yourself so alone in the world
Partly by choice part by chance
Part by uncontrolled circumstance

Those who claim to care offer little shelter from the storm
Self isolating the sadness you try to hide
It's all part of the high rates of suicide

Salt in the deep wounds from all of that pain
Paint a mask on your face smiling face smiling eyes
So that those who see you will never realize

If someone dislikes poetry or creative writing pursuits
They will never seek an understanding
Of the pillow it gives for a much softer landing

When you feel so vulnerable yet no one knows
Nor do most of said ones show care
The world can be so evil so unfair

What to do with the pain after so much abuse
From offspring from a narcissist spouse
Dangerous living in your very own house

Co-workers that add to the many trust issues
Easy to turn to substances that only harm
Hide those too so as not to raise the alarm

Better to effect self care while being a little selfish
Hit the gym hit the dance class go hit them all
If it helps you can even take a swing at the wall

Coming up up up doing whatever you can do that it takes
To thrive on your own in this world without love
Rising on your own is okay as long as you rise above

Welcome, to my readers living in Ukraine

Recently, in my viewer stats, I noticed a substantial number of readers of my blog are in Ukraine.

By recently, this refers to the past month.

Knowing a limited amount of information about Ukraine, it would be enriching to learn. When I attended a needlework retreat May 2018, I met some fellow stitchers from Ukraine. They were very diligent stitchers. I enjoyed meeting them as well as seeing their beautiful stitched pieces.

With that preface, my apologies, I should have welcomed you, sooner. There are so many blog entry ideas swirling inside my brain. Also, a chunk of my time has been going into organizing my home, decluttering. In addition, finishing needlework projects that should have been finished long ago has been both a monkey on my back as well as a pleasure to see the completion.
Three time consuming activities, all are worthwhile uses of my time.

Blogging is a pleasure, for me. Knowing that I should talk less than I do, working on that, I have funneled it into writing more.

Recently, someone touched on a possibility of an opportunity to move to Hawai'i. It's light discussion at the moment. Even so, it was enough to get me enlivened enough to dive into a decluttering mild tizzy. It might happen, it might not. A pleasant thought!

Oh, the needlework projects! Most time consuming of all while being a pleasure especially to complete it, gaze upon the works in silk, cotton, beading & other sparkly stuff, when completed. 

Last, certainly as much of a passion as the other three, FITNESS!

Spin class torches calories while having fun, the great feeling afterward. Keep in mind, the whole time I'm in Spin Class, there's an inner struggle. I fight the urge to leave, 10 minutes in. The class is 45 minutes of energizing music, sprints, jumps, stands, leans, hovering, backward pedaling. The teacher of the 12 noon - 12:45 class is so encouraging! The class is a love-hate thaang for me.

Now that I see the viewers of my blog are in Ukraine, this is me, saying, thank you! Feel free to comment. If you need to comment in Cyrillic, I will translate. It would be a pleasure to hear from you.

Make some noise. ♥

Are you listening?

Are you out there?
Are you listening or reading?
Viewing my vulnerable state
With interest that will refuse to wait.
Are you out there?

Can you see me?
With innocent eyes open wide
I see you as you go through a day
Functioning & coping in your way
I see you

The world is moving ever forward
I will move forward in it's wake
In truth for its own truthful sake
Always forward

Although heartache, heartbreak has weighed me down
That which is growth will lead
I will grow in faith I will read
The word on which I depend
The counsel I will heed

So Much Work

It's too much work she said
Making her children's clothes
Baking her own bread
She got through it

Teaching my child to cook
It's easier to do it myself
Then she got that sweet look
As her child helped with dinner

Teaching her child to put gas in a car
What if they spill it and waste money
As the child learned the lesson went far
She was so glad she did

Coaxing her children to help with cleaning
Was way too hard so she tried to make it fun
It deepened their ties gave time together meaning
The efforts paid off

Giving her child lessons in values and self respect
Was a tough one to teach amid frowns and eye rolls
In life it helped them so much to self protect
It came in handy

Showing her children that their body is a temple
To be taken care of while saving sex for marriage
She was so grateful that she had taught an example
It made life so much easier

Now her work was complete with her children grown
It was so much work to teach to guide to nurture
She did it all though their futures at the time were unknown
Though forgotten her efforts live forever

You Knew

You had the chance you know
She was falling in love with you
And you knew it
You could have done the right thing
Showed her some real respect
Boy, you blew it

Your selfish want with selfish desire
You let it become your master 
So you gave her false hope
You knew it was wrong to lead her on
Did you make a good choice then
Do you feel good, nope

You knew she was a good one yet
You knew she was not one for you
The first night
Pushing her to get your own way
Knowing it would hurt her badly
It wasn't right

You did what a selfish boy would do
You simply disappeared from her life
To deal with the pain
Too callous to have a simple sit down chat
Too cowardly to witness the shattering
All that would remain

Onward to the next one just another notch
On a very cracked very worn leather belt
Disposable as they all are to you
When you meet your match as someday you will
Then you realize the pain you doled out for years
The law of Karma is true

Please Stay

Sometimes when the teachings of someone are so profound, so much truth amid the chaos of the world, they make it easy to discern the truth. This truth is in all of us.
Sometimes guidance is necessary to recognize it, bring it to the surface of consciousness.

We live in a world where people think it's cool to lick each others butt holes, yet can't stand the smell of poop. A world where some girls want to be boys, boys want to be girls, then there are some who can't decide, so they switch back & forth.

It's bloody confusing!

Dr. Jordan B Peterson, a tenured Professor of Psychology at the University of Toronto in Toronto, Ontario, Canada is someone who I have been watching & listening to a lot lately.

https://www.jordanbpeterson.com/

You see, I have been diagnosed with PTSD brought on by MST, the multiple assaults on myself when I served in the United States Air Force. This is what caused me to search for someone who could help me make more sense of the world.

Dr Peterson, thank you!

His book "12 Rules" appealed to me in large part because of his Rule#11 Never bother children when they are skate boarding.

Because my son, who I love with all of my soul, loved to skate board. He still does, yet, he has other responsibilities, now.
The skate boarding rule caught my attention, drew me in further.

Baby, I'm in deep, now! Ha Ha! 

With his sense, logic, wondrously unfold his stories, drawing analogies in the form of fairy tales. It's a work of art! He speaks of Pinnochio, Beauty And The Beast, even The Lion King!

After watching several of his lectures, video clips, interviews, I had an "AHA". I have to say this. As a polyglot, his voice, OMH, his voice is so attractive. He is also a very handsome guy. Very easy to look at, to watch. Just sayin.
Being physically attractive, for him, is more than his appearance. The man is CONFIDENT!

He must get killer backaches from his massive balls!

Dr Peterson has been confronted in very ugly ways. In negatively aggressive haters who would do him bodily harm if allowed.
Am quite sure he could take them on & win!

Recently, he took his own advice. When going through a very frightening health scare with the love of his life, Tammy. Keep in mind that they met in the 5th grade where he says very proudly that he fell in love with her, the minute he met her.
He checked himself into a rehab facility to get help in conquering a dependency on a pharmaceutical substance.
The strong man is the one who knows when to ask for help.

His wife is doing well as far as I've heard. 

It may sound silly, to care so much. Having only listened as well as observed him, this is not fascination with a celebrity. This is gratitude for the difference someone is making in the world.

There are multitudes of angry, lost, destructive males out there. They lie constantly, hurt women, children as well as other males. They cheat on their wives, cheat others out of money.

In truth?

The one they are hurting the most is themselves along with society.

The world needs Dr. Peterson, the world NEEDS more intelligent, confident men of his caliber.

After leaving rehab, being with his wife as she recovers, he looks very tired. He is less animated than he used to be. 

It worries me.

I want his light in the world to go on shining. I want to see him fully bounced back from the trials he has had to endure in the past 2 years or so. What would I say to Dr.Peterson if I could have a brief visit with him?

I would say:

"Thank you for your wisdom. Please, please stay much longer on the earth. I need you. The world needs you. I love you, kind sir. Along with millions of other people who needed to hear your philosophy. You give hope that the world is going to hell in a handbasket a bit more slowly than it would have without you."

That is what I would say.

To his wife, Tammy:

"I'm so happy for you that you are in recovery. You're a woman to be admired for coming through this terrible struggle. Thank you for being the rock that anchors your wise husband. He would probably be a different man without you. The world needs you as the half of a couple that support each other to change so many lives."

Dr.Jordan B Peterson & Tammy Peterson, please stay with us.

The Doctor is in

Eye candy is good for business!
In my experience, the male counselors I have known were 
H-O-T-T HOT!

This includes guys I have known who wanted to become a counselor, were in the process of becoming a counselor or were a counselor, already.
That might be somewhat more challenging for a really hot guy! Even as a counselor, a good looking guy is made even more attractive because he actually listens......…and, he talks! He will appeal to his female patients on a few levels. It's dangerous.

This is something that is missing in marriages, BF-GF interaction. The conversation, talking about anything, everything. Conversation.
Communication is so absolutely essential.
Without it?
Stick a fork in it, it's done.

The man-type counselor-types that I have known have that one thing in common. They talk. What they have to say is profound.
Even more important?
These god-like people actually listen to anyone & everyone.

Having also known some guys who talk and talk and talk. They refrain from pausing. They seem to be talking to listen to the sound of their own voice. When the other person can actually get a word in, the talker-guy only responds to what he had previously been saying, oblivious to what the other person just said.
This is also known as a boor. Poorly mannered, selfish, self centered. Self absorbed. Only interested in their own opinion.
If you dare to point this out? 
Make sure you are armed. 
Preferably with a loaded Ruger or a stun gun (taser) or a freezing cold bucket of water or a proverbial version at the least.
Mr. Super Talker- Guy is going to be most unhappy with you.

This only makes a male counselor even MORE attractive, if that's possible! He not only talks politely, he listens politely. 
Also.
He makes his one person audience wanting to hear what he has to say, then, he respects her enough to listen when she speaks.

These desirable guys are sometimes functioning as a counselor without being in a paid position.

At the moment, I feel compelled to refer to Dr. Jordan B Peterson.

He is a Canadian Clinical Psychologist who is also a tenured professor at University of Toronto.

The guy is super hot right now.

What makes him so hot?
The same thing that makes so many other counselor guys so hot.
He is confident, not cocky. He is very genuine with no malicious agenda. He is also a bit sarcastic (most hot guys are) while he is very very clever in a playful, witty way.

There are most likely thousands of girls & women who have the warmies toward Dr. Peterson. Maybe millions? idk
I might be one of them.
I'm a sapiosexual.

Look Dr. Jordan B Peterson up on YouTube. Listen & learn.

You're welcome.

The Perfect Man

The perfect man is imperfect in his own brand of perfection
He can have crooked teeth or be less than six foot one
To win the admiration of the one of his hopeful affection
Wanting her for much more than just a night or three of fun

The myth of the perfect man also has an element of danger
It sets up the beauty curse which females have had to bear
With that standard of today so strange while becoming stranger
The future of this phenomenon keeps going I know not where

A desirable man is humble and kind while still of a strong mind
He knows his worth although he may be from humble birth
Confidence shines so that he sees that to which others are blind
When he meets that good woman he intrinsically knows her worth

A good man will be truthful being honest to all he will greet
His word is his bond his contract it binds him of his own will
His confidence with his kindness is visible to all he may meet
His basic character of origin is enhanced is with him still

In plain, non-poetic lingo, the myth of the perfect man is a curse along with that of the perfect woman. The one who you love may not be perfect while being perfect for the one you will commit to then spend your life with.
Having met people who have the silly standard that a man who is under the height of six feet tall is undesirable are selling themselves short.
By the same token, the males who believe that a size zero woman or a woman who has enormous breasts is more desirable will find themselves without the love they seek.

A good woman or a good man will still be a desireable person long after youth passes, money is gone, time has done its work.

When a man cares more about what size a woman is, her hair, her bra size, if she obviously does her squats, what her teeth look like, he is still in the Neanderthal level of maturity.

Avoid him like a T-Rex. 

Guys, if a woman cares more about how much money you have, always practically demanding that you take her to expensive places all the time?

She is too shallow to care about you as a person

If a woman cares more about what kind of car you drive, the home you live in, your economic status?

She doesn't care about YOU as a person the way she should.

She still has some learning, maturing, growing up to do.

Let her go.

She's still a little girl, not a woman.

This is the truth.

You're welcome.

Faded

I would love to fade into nothingness
At night
In my sleep

Become a wisp of air floating
Up to the stars
Over the ocean deep

Without any cares of anything
Off on an adventure
Do what I dare

Leaving this world behind as I go
Knowing that no one
Will even care

The world has millions of people
One less won't be noticed
Without me

Life will go on as it always does
With everything
Yet to be
Without me

To Write

I could write about the many times my heart has been broken
So many times I have entirely lost count after thirty
Along with all of the lies that each male has repeatedly spoken
A lot of garbage tossed around as well as just as dirty

I could write of the way people have slandered my reputation
Good christians who spitefully gossip thinking it's okay
They treat me as a free loader without any occupation
I cry then try to ignore knowing every deed will have its day

I could write of my loneliness of social isolation of my pain
People in this town don't care because it's easier to ignore
Their worlds are merry and bright free of thunder and the rain
Caught up in their own lives with no need to help the poor

I will write of the many good things that I am thankful for
Of great health which I enjoy with no medication required
My home is warm and inviting as I enter through the door
In which I ply my needlework which my friends all admire

I will write in praise of my car which I take such good care of
Happy to have such a beautiful as well as dependable ride
The first time I saw and drove him I knew that it was real love
To have and to hold and to maintain with real ownership pride

I will write how much I love my country though imperfect I know
I wouldn't want to be born anywhere else on this place called earth
Having traveled all over with many more places I intend to go
I will always return to the USA to the country of my birth

I will write of the gratitude I feel for those who keep us free
Through their fight of the good fight for family country and god
With their bravery with their sacrifice which deeply touches me
In conflict both here at home as well as battles on foreign sod

I will write of gratitude although it's sometimes hard to feel it
My smile on the outside which hides the pain I have to fight
My appearance is great camouflage so not to ever reveal it
Keep moving forward ever forward keep walking in the light

Angst & Solution

It's a tale as old as time (I think so).

This could be about Beauty and The Beast, yet, it's a more serious topic.

When a person brings a sweet new tiny baby into the world, it's a very hopeful time. Visions of who that bit of star dust will be as they grow are full of promise. Thoughts of watching them as they first toddle into the room on wobbly little legs, then learning to roller skate, ride a bicycle, start out on their education.

First day of school! That can be a tear jerker! Can also be joyous.

I worked very hard, as a mother, to do everything I could. Endeavoring  to teach my 4 kiddos as much as I could in the time I had. Arming them with life skills to launch them confidently out into the world.

It hurts me very deeply that 2 of my 4 children have excluded me from every significant milestone in their adult lives. I would have loved to have been there to witness their happy moments.

Was I a perfect mother? Nope. OMGoodness, I sure wanted to be.

Now, back to that perfect little child.

If you try to tell someone that just because you love that baby so much it feels like your heart is swelled up to bursting? That someday, there might be a time when you are pushed to the edge of your sanity by them? That your child would lie to you, steal from you, call you some very foul names? 
It would be hard to believe.

It's called a teenager.

It's then that a person realizes the truth in the semi funny sayings.

~ Parenting is not for sissies
~ They should be accompanied by an instruction book!
~ OMGoodness, what have I gotten myself into?
~ Cleaning the house while the children are growing is like shoveling the sidewalk while it's still snowing.

Come what may, they are your child to love, teach, guide. One of the toughest times is the teen age years. Some teenagers are more difficult, some are easier. 
It's between a boulder & a very hard place.

The memories of your child as a newborn baby, linger. If you love your child fiercely, as I loved and love mine, that love is there no matter how that child treats you. For me, the love is the same as it was when each of them were born. 
It was the same then, as it is, today even though they are all out there in the world, being positive contributors to society.

The ache in my heart from missing them, the joy when we visit.

It's the same, now, as it has always been.

Many parents who are going through the trials & growing pains with their teenagers, also, with children of adult age are often left so perplexed. Many struggle to figure out how to have as well as how to preserve the parent/child bond.

Peeps!

It's a slippery slope.



Today, I'm going to share some of what I have done as well as learned, to get me through it.

Caveat ~ My relationships with all 4 are imperfect. I'm going to be truthful. It could be so much better, although I have to say that my relationship with my youngest is very good. It's been described by others as a tight, close bond. Yass! 

Here ya go:

1. Many parents try so hard to cling to the idea that they deserve respect for all that they did for their child or children.
Well, yes, however, people rarely get what they deserve.

Many people do, however, get what they negotiate for.

Having a healthy relationship with an offspring who has grown into an autonomous adult, means that, even as their parent, you will have to compromise. You will have to let go of the idea that, that child is your child, you made them, you raised them!
You don't own them, nor do they owe you.

As one of my dear sweet children told me, when they were at age 26, so succinctly:
"I don't respect you because you never earned my respect."
OUCH!

2. Your adult child is going to make their own mistakes that leave you, as their parent, crushed, feeling guilty. You may blame yourself, wrack your brain during sleepless nights as to what you might have done wrong in their formative years.
STOP!
Once that child is of adult age, is supporting themselves, living on their own, even if you did some things you regret, their mistakes are their mistakes. 
Sorry, mom & pop. It usually has very little to do with you.
Once they are shouldering adult responsibility, they are also completely responsible for their own boo-boos.

3. Just as your child has evolved & changed, independent from you, they will often feel free to tell you that they don't like certain aspects of your personality.
I was told by one of my children:
"The way you do your makeup makes you look like a tired old street-walker."
DOUBLE OUCH

It may be habits that you have had for your entire life or ones that developed in your offspring's childhood.
Mm Hm.
It could be the way you chew your food, the clothing style you have, your hair style. 
Possibly your own personal style of humor. For mothers, it could be the way you apply makeup or even the lack thereof.

You're going to hear it!

If you want a good healthy relationship with your child, you may have to re-examine that. Then, decide if you care more about a closer relationship with your child or care more about clinging to that which irks them. It IS a choice.

4. Everyone has triggers. Those triggers might be something you don't know of. You only know that whilst speaking on the phone, they end the call without warning. Sometimes a conversation that was going along just peachy, will take a turn, then escalate into an argument or tears or a shouting match.

What I did with one of my children was to choose a mutually agreed on, safety word. If one of us two was getting triggered, the one who was becoming uncomfortable would say the safety word & the other person had to STOP.

Genius? Right? Ha ha!

At first, as my child and I navigated to ID the others triggers, that safety word was said many times.
It helped us both to see the triggers in each other.

I have the closest bond with that child, yet, it took work on both of our parts, to get there. Endeavouring first to understand, then, to be understood.

I had to change some habits of mine, listen more closely, do things a bit differently.
Was it worth it?
Absolutely!

A belief that has served me well is that my time to teach my children is mostly over, although, sometimes I can pull a rabbit or two out of the hat. Now? It's often pure fun as well as great connection to learn from them.

Another belief that I have is that I can learn something from everyone! Age is irrelevant. Gender is irrelevant. Race is irrelevant.
Religion is irrelevant. (I sound like a Star Trek Borg! ha ha!)

The point is this, I believe I can learn something from everyone!

As far as my children are concerned, it's less my job to teach them. At this stage of the game, it's more of my job to set an example for them as to what to do in adult life.


For personal integrity, yet, for my kiddos, too:

I don't, as a single girl, I don't sleep around.

I don't use illegal substances, presently, that is. Oh, I dabbled a bit right after divorcing their father, yet, it was mild experimentation.

Am constantly evolving, growing, changing. Within reason, of course, embracing that which is new. Styles, speech, technology, music, fitness trends. Whatever comes into my peripherals!

Living a more clean life. More clean with time.

******************************************************************************

Here's to hoping that my ramblings have helped at least one person. Obviously, I have some answers, yet fall short of having all of the answers. It can be a rocky road to navigate that transition from being a parent of a child who is dependent on them to having a good, healthy relationship with an adult child.

My Bumper Stickers, My Service

Sweet Liberty

Coming of age as an American Servicewoman

That is the title of the manuscript that I wrote. It was enough for me to write it. To express my thoughts, my feelings. It took me 10 years to write. It was very cathartic to solve many dilemnas.
I tried to publish it. Got very close to it.
Now?
I think it's better that it was not published.

The book records many of my experiences when I entered military service, went through the growing pains of trying so hard, as a girl, to learn, grow and fit in, in a mans world.

It was tough.

First of all, I was a shy, skinny girl from a dysfunctional family. There was so much I had zero clues about. I had to learn.

When people say the cliche' "Thank you for your service." I smile, say "You're welcome" or something similar. 
Most people don't truly understand the scope of exactly what it means to serve on active duty.

Things such as :

Holidays far from home in a dorm or a tent
All the missed weddings, deaths, births in extended family
Deep loneliness being so far from home
Personal, painful transformation, turning into an adult over night
Dealing with a superior who is on a powertrip, is only 4 years older than you.
Extreme sexual harrassment that leaves years of scars
Long hours with low pay with very little time off
Intense training that pushes all of your buttons
Being pushed to super human limits then some more

I have bumper stickers on my car that say United States Air Force.
It really makes me sick when people ask me, "Oh, was your husband in the Air Force."
I answer them, with, "No. I was."
The shocked looks on their faces get me every time.
Inside?
I'm seething that in the year 2019, people of all ages, walks of life, still, STILL have difficulty grasping that I could have served my country. That I could have gone through boot camp, military training schools, lived in Hawai'i & California as a single woman serving in the United States Air Force.

Though it was a different life, then, my military service still benefits me in so many ways. I still have a valid military ID, which gets TSA Pre Check when taking a trip by air,  more than half the time. Going to the various military bases when I travel, feels very safe. It feels like going home, again. 

Today is Veterans Day.

Many restaurants & places of business honor military veterans with free meals, deeply discounted services & meals. 

It's nice.

When one Military Veteran says to another Veteran:
"Thank you for serving"
It has deeper meaning because both people have a deeper understanding of what it truly means, of the many sacrifices.

To my fellow Military Veterans.

He's here, right here

Through the sleepless nights through the uncertain days
He's always with me in so many ways
Still here
Always there in the pattering rain and the rush of a stormy breeze
Only now his spirit is more subtle telling me that he's
Just a breath away
It's said that it's better to love then lose than to never love at all
My argument is that the harder you love the harder you fall
I'd rather not
When someone you choose to succumb to love with all your heart
Fizzles into someone you still do although you're apart
The tears and vomit ensue
I'm a passionate girl who loves hard when I care
Though many guys say that kind isn't anywhere
Au contraire, here am I
Now going through the days with my alternate plan
Catching smiles in happiness whenever I can
It's a good life

Karma

It's unclear to me as to why so many guys find it comfortable to talk to me, to confide in me, to trust me.

Becoming less judgmental, more compassionate, seeking more to understand than to be understood are a few traits guys have told me are what makes them feel they can trust me. In my experience, as we are all only human, shouldn't we all be so compassionate?

Billions of people are on this planet all together, at the same time, for many good reasons. Could one of the many reasons be, that we should help each other? Be kind to each other?
Could be.
It's an imperfect world.

When I state that many guys I have known have felt comfortable confiding in me, they needed someone they could trust.
These guys were in varying degrees of pain.
Emotional & mental pain.
Also, something else.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/19143911

The link, above, is just one study of many that has shown a definite link between serial cheaters and sexually dysfunction in men.

These poor suffering ones confided in me some searing situations that no man wants to believe or admit even to himself, much less, another person.
There have been 12 men who spoke of this to me. 
The disheartened dozen.
All I could do was to cry with them, pray with them, assure them that they could trust me.
Refraining from judging was paramount.

Infidelity in a marriage is the kryptonite of relationships.

For this reason, I refrained from judgment as these guys confided in me that they had cheated on their wives. 
More than once.
More than 10 times since taking marriage vows.

Something had occurred. As early as 30 years of age, they found themselves with an "inability to perform" sexually, with their wives or the women they cheated with.
At first it only happened occasionally, increasing in frequency as time went on.

Lacking a degree in counseling, psychology or medical practice, this is simply a hypothesis. 
I believe it's their guilt & regret which is the mechanics utilized by karma for the many years of cheating on their wives. There can be other causes, however, all 12 of the guys who confided in me had been habitual cheaters, believing they were getting away with it.
In their selfishness, they cheated, sometimes got caught by their wives, were forgiven, did it again. Over and over.

Everyone is imperfect, if sought, we may be fortunate enough to be forgiven by our loved ones, our higher power, most importantly, to be able to forgive ourselves.

As a married person, if you cheat on your husband or wife, if you believe you have escaped consequences, re-think that.

If you have been faithful, you have saved yourself so much pain.

The Heartbeat of a Blog Post

I type a blog entry with my heart on my sleeve. I pour it out, bleeding love, sadness, hope and something else for public display. Akin to a public execution, delete...delete...delete.

Too deep, dark, heavy, too intimate to hand to the world for titillating consumption. 

Start again.

Poetry flows from my alert frontal parietal as the words travel down to flow out of my fingers onto the keyboard.
Whoops, that's too sexual to put on my blog.

DELETE!

Sit quietly, meditate, wait for the source to deliver G-Rated expression.

Mary had a little lamb.....

Plagiarism

Still, delete, delete, delete

Thoughts emerge to just take some photos of myself then post them within a blog entry. How about a recipe, I have 200+ recipes that I developed, myself, when I had my catering service. Most of them, I am the only one who has them.

Nah. It feels good to have something no one else has. Something that I could have sold for $1,500 along with my catering service. For the same reason I held back, before, I'm holding back, now.

In a bolt of thought, I had it. It rang true. The best idea for my blog.

When you know? You just know. 

I'm tired, still, when creativity strikes, it's best to go with it as it can dissipate as quickly as it formed.
A small surge of energy pulses in my brain. Yeah, I can actually feel it. It's a combo of aha mixed with, " Should I really write this?"

Yes, yes I should.

This was written for the benefit of my readers to see the creative process that produces my blog entries.

Ramblings of an insomniac blogger. 

The end.

or

Maybe a new beginning......