He Sleeps

 

My Doberdork, PJ, has become such a great companion. Having had 3 Dobies before him, one at a time.

An aspect of the breed is that they are very intelligent, clingy. Fiercely loyal, goofy, protective. Most Dobies, especially when they are puppies, are a lot of dog.

A song that could sum up PJs personality would be ~

Great Balls of Fire

So happy that he keeps me guessing.

*Caveat* If you think you would like a Doberman in your life, please, do a bit of research. 

No, do a lot of it. 

They are a very unique breed, unlike any other. They are as loyal, energetic, curious as they are majestically handsome, clingy, emotional & sensitive. Most Dobermans will choose a human member of the family as their person. They attach then give the majority of their adoration to that person.

For this reason, plus many more, it's very hard on a Dobie to be rehomed. Rehomed more than once or twice is a devastation for them. The sadness, listlessness, shame they display is very real. 

My Dobie, PJ, can be somewhat demanding. When PJ & I were new to each other, I started out catering to him. His needs were always met before mine. The same way I did when bringing a newborn baby home. Although I did change from pajamas to street clothes before taking him out in the mornings to make lemonade. After bringing him inside, I made his breakfast. Sometimes I remembered to brush my teeth, wash my face, apply day cream & sunscreen. Often, as I was caught up in the whirlwind of exuberant puppy energy, it was a good day if I brushed my hair before stepping outside.

As time progressed, the realization that I had stopped filling my own needs, taking care of myself, etc. after bringing each of my human babies home.

In that wisdom, I began putting my own needs first. Slowly, at first, then, moving toward completing my morning self-care practices to start the day. At first, PJ objected, then, slowly, he adjusted.

He would stare me down, bark at me, display his impatience that I wasn't catering to him before taking care of myself.

Even now, if I'm taking care of myself instead of going straight to making his breakfast, he will become so upset that he actually vomits.

Meh.

That's what paper towels & disinfectant are for.

Now, he will go into another room, lie down, sucking his blanky, waiting until he hears his food dish being placed in its holder, smells his ribeye tidbits that I had cooked just for him. He trots to it with his tail held high & wriggling in that cute way it does when he's happy or interested in something.

There are other breeds in the canine world who also have these traits, most Dobies have the amped-up versions. People have said that I, myself am very intelligent, I guess, ha ha. I have to have a very smart dog, otherwise there's no point to it for me. It would become very boring.

Driving to Wichita, Kansas, to fetch him, he was so little. Just 10 weeks of age. At first, I had my doubts. Having loved my prior Dobies fiercely, I hoped I would love him. For many years I was dogless. Making sure that I have enough to take care of him if he were injured or ailing, when the time was right, it fell into place. 

Enough love, patience, time. Also, money. That helps.

When I brought PJ home, I gave him a week to adjust as well as for us to get acquainted. He was already nearly house trained, just had to set a timer, take him outside every 10 - 20 minutes to do his doggy business. After 1 week, we began training. He learned his commands to know what I expected of him, quickly. Then, he started losing his puppy teeth, getting his adult teeth. Poor guy, I did whatever I could to ease his pain. Holding him, holding a baby's frozen teething ring to his gums to soothe his itching, stinging gums. Easing up slightly on training as he was in such discomfort.

So happy that I took a break from the gym & time off work to enjoy him as a small puppy. They mature so fast. Faster than human babies.

Bringing a puppy home is similar to bringing a newborn human baby home. Puppies are a lot of work at first. They whine & cry from loneliness, hunger, anxiety. They have been taken away from everything they knew. They must be taught to make fudge & lemonade outside. 

Then, there's the pain of teething. Their gums itch & sting as their milk teeth are pushed up & out. Their larger adult teeth are breaking through the gums. They may have a fever. They are deeply curious. Sniffing, scratching, putting their mouths on everything.  

My super comfy oversized stitching chair was his first victim. PJ (that's my pups name, shortened from Poseidon Jack) "redecorated" it. A few pair of my VS panties met a similar fate. 

My antique wicker German wedding chest, a few of my jackets, T shirts. He only raided the trash & recycling once.

I figured out that he hates tomatoes or anything that has tomato in it.

Finding a realistic looking plastic (?) tomato, putting it on top of the trash, he won't go near it.

One day, the realistic looking tomato disappeared. Its fate is unknown. Since he has matured somewhat, he doesn't get into the trash....for now. No fake tomato is necessary.

Next, PJ figured out that the tastiest noms are in that tall silver box with 2 doors. Having to put a chain & padlock on the fridge, it seemed that it would be covered. 

Nope.

I had only worn my beautiful 5" heel pumps by LK Bennett in a taupe or nude color, once. 

Yep, the same ones that Catherine, Princess of Wales, wears except I prefer a rounded toe. PJ had only gotten the heel in his mouth. He saw the look on my face, dropped it immediately. It was such a close call! He must have bumped the shelf where I put them when not in use & they fell to the floor. Making an adjustment to where I put those gorgeous shoes was necessary to save my gorgeous shoes lives plus, maybe PJs life, too.

Semi kidding.

Having never allowed a dog to sleep in my bed with me, that was going to change, too. Just as all people are different, dog's personalities can vary as well. My other 3 Dobies were bed hogs & passed such foul gas; I couldn't let them sleep in my bed.

PJ is very different. I found a food additive, Veterinary approved, to limit his monumental Dobie farts. The fart factor is also characteristic of the breed. He does it far less, now. Also, from the first time I tested out having him sleep with me. When I closed my eyes, he curled up at the foot of my bed, slept there all night.

This is a first for me.

So, it has been a month when we began sleeping together.

Just sleeping, though he would like it to be a time to play fetch or one of his other enjoyable games.

It was quite nice at first. Then, PJ became very comfortable, too comfortable. He began sprawling out, standing up to make 3 - 5 turnarounds before laying down again, up to 4X per night. The morning that I awakened with his snout pressed into my crotch was the last time I let him sleep in my bed. I love my dog, just, not in that way.

Although, I have bought 4 comfy beds for him, he destroyed all 4 within 2 weeks. He is 18 months older than when he destroyed the last bed, so, I took a chance. Unfortunately, PJ treated it the way he treated his last 4 - $60 - $80 beds which he saw as jumbo sized chew toys.

He has adjusted surprisingly well to our new home. Having a long hallway, perfect for his nightly zoomies, suits him. He & I walk through the neighborhood in the mornings after breakfast. Keeping pet waste bags in the pockets of my hoodie, it surprises me how much pet waste from other dogs there is.

We haven't been to any dog parks, yet. There is so much to do to organize our new home. Though, I finally cleared out the back seat & trunk of my car, it took promising myself some KFC which I hadn't had in over 5 years. Watching a few Michael Jackson interviews plus some regarding him, the repeated mention of Michaels favorite food, specifically Kentucky Fried Chicken, gave me a slight craving. I had PJ with me when I went to KFC to pick my reward up. Putting it in the trunk of the car to make it less of a torture for PJ, just slightly less. I do whatever I can for the good of my good dog.

Time marches forward for my guy. From a wiggly 11 lb puppy @ ten weeks of age, to a 100 lb majestic beast who surprises me.

Here's to hoping he will have a long healthy life.

Fiber to Counter Nubilous Froideur

I have moved out, moving on. Away from the drama of the circus of rack & ruin next door. Had to leave so much that was precious to me behind. The ache will fade. In time even grass becomes cream.

Many people turn to other substances to use as a balm to soothe the stress, the pain, the injustice. To cope with a disturbing living situation. 

Alcohol is the most common though it creates more problems than it solves. Raising the intake of nicotine such as dip or cigarettes. Getting chip faced on daily mint chocolate chip ice cream. Excess pizza consumption. All of these will create more stress, more problems than they solve.

The substance I turn to is needlework.

Colored fibers that are soothing, pleasing to the eyes as well as the sense of touch. Green has always been my favorite color. Nearly all shades of green. 

Baby Spring Green

Bright Showy Green

Soft Sage Green

Deep Forest Green

Turning to a beautiful, soft, soothing sage green is giving the peace, the comfort, the beauty I can create with my hands. In DMC colors it would be Art 117 # 502.

Hardanger Embroidery does require skill, knowledge, precision, perfection. It has to be perfect, or it will be so blaring obvious, the piece will be ruined, time wasted on a thing that could have been pure beauty from the hands of a skilled needle worker.

In learning of this beautiful art form, tackling a major pitfall is something I handled early on.

In my first hardanger project, eons ago. I cut the wrong thread, on purpose, which could have ruined the entire balance. The purpose was to know how to repair/restore in a future event that I cut a wrong thread by mistake. 

I wouldn't despair or panic over a potential catastrophic mistake.

The sort that happens in hardanger embroidery.

Simply, taking 5 minutes to repair with only sureness of technique.

**** Three Week Time Lapse****

So............finally, I'm settling into a new home. It's nicer, newer, low drama or no drama. No land lady trying to squeeze money out of me.

A pleasant surprise is that the cost of living is lower, here, than it was where I was living. There's less noise, no teenagers with a sense of entitlement living next door to me, creating drama & chaos.

Just peace & quiet. 

Because I'm close to Shepard AFB, hearing the jets overhead is a welcome sound. Jet noise is the sound of freedom.

Also, I find that I can think more clearly, stitch with more accuracy, 

knowing that I'm safe.

In 2019, it began to feel increasingly unsafe where I was, before.

Feeling safe is so underrated.

Now, the final settling in begins. The forgetting of precious things I had to leave behind. The rediscovery of precious things I hadn't seen in a few years, as if they are all so new to me all over again.

Living in a more cosmopolitan area, so much more is available to me. Multiple theaters. A choice of cuisines. Appointments on the AFB will take 10 minutes instead of the 3 hours it used to take. 

Instead of just one poorly maintained dog park, there are 4 nicely maintained ones. In Graham, the people using the one dog park, mostly didn't care. There were shards of glass, food wrappers, candy papers. Although there were pet waste bags & receptacles, many people didn't pick up after their pets. Gates were left opened.

The pet owners just didn't care, though a few did.

Now, I walk with PJ, around the neighborhood. He seems to enjoy the many different scents around him. People admire him, telling me how handsome he is, they notice his excellent manners. What they don't see is the hundreds of hours, spent teaching & training him.

New place to live, new places to explore.

Away from the chaos of the circus & clowns next door.

We're home.

Nolan, A Mothers Reverie

 

He may know how much I love him

Perhaps he never will

In my heart it's strong

Loved him then as I love him still

From that first flutter

Deep inside my womb

Tears of joy wetting my face

In the doctors waiting room

He visited me as a small one

A darling little boy spirit

Sweet baby giggles

Like yesterday I can hear it

Every year on his birthday

Making foods that he craved

From a recipe still in my mind

Preserved in memories saved

At my table set for four

Honoring the man he is in life

Places set with loving care

For him, myself, his son, his sweet wife

What's heaven like?

There must be horses in heaven

For a girl who loves horses like me

Might never fulfill my earthly dream

Or I might while there's time we shall see

When I build my dream house sometime soon

There will be room for a barn in the back

A hayloft for sure to feed my steeds

A bridle plus a saddle rack

All 5 acres fenced in with my dobies on patrol

Running free as they keep all of us from harm

A sweet little garden patch with a berry briar

A small patch of a family farm

Are there gardenias up in heaven

Patches of tall stalks of tuberose

Plumeria trees that will never freeze

With a warm ocean always so close

Knowing that I did this all myself feels good

Never again at the mercy of a cruel landlord

Never have a guy to sabotage my dreams

With an unkind criticism or a word

I did it my way will seem to apply 

As cliche as the phrase might be

There is beauty in self-fulfilling

Created by I - myself - just- me

My Life My Purpose

 

In a place neither here nor there

Love with joy surround me

Strangers though I know them

Swirl in warmth around me

Soon I know I must depart

Go to a way of being 

Fear doesn't even cover it

Believing will become seeing

Being small so fragile am I

Open hearted oh so pure

Though I decided to go

Now I feel less sure

It's the world of trials

A world of learning

A world where many scoff

At a curiosity so burning

It had been over a decade

In what is called Earth time

That taught my tender soul

To express it all in rhyme

Skills were learned fast

For a tender one to realize

Far from simple speech

Mostly riddled with lies

Purest of the pure more fragile

Than I could have ever been

Sweet beasts at the mercy

In a world of cruel men

As I move through time 

Gaining traction as I go

So many lessons to learn

Much more for me to know

Careful with my actions

Working on it every day

Lest a minor slippage

Causes them to send me away

As I moved through time

Getting older was but a state

Of those who strive to excel

Of we who patiently wait

With lessons learned each day

Until returning to warm fog

A shorter life is the bane

Existing as a puppy dog

For Comfort

The color of the typing used in this entry is different from what has been in the past.

Did you notice?

It's brown.

Brown is a woodsy, earthy tone. 

Found in nature, also found in poop. You can choose. 

When I think of nature, it makes me think of raspberries from a briar patch. It makes me think of the bark on trees. Especially more mature trees. Trees that could tell of many events if they could speak in human terms. 

When professionals who study, deal with trees on a regular basis, speak of them. People will listen to agricultural terms.

Some people will listen to agri-woo-woo terms, most, will turn away.

Being somewhere midway on that, I'm an everything girl.

Today, life has given me a little bump in the road. My trusty steed has gone on strike. It clicked, tried to start. Just fell short of kicking in.

It seems like it would be something minor such as worn or weakened spark plug, here's hoping for that. A girl can hope & dream.

While it's a bit unsettling, it's manageable.

From my food storage, my basic needs are met. Food, food for my fur baby (PJ), toity paper, water. Of course there are other items for different types of pressing emergencies. Must have Wiley Wallaby soft black licorice, a 1001 clean jokes book, 25 MREs. The MREs may have a bland taste, they would sustain until the crises passes.

Yeah, that sort of comfort in that sort of emotional, mental sort.

While being at a 4 on a scale of 1 - 10, my comfort, today is coming from a few different sources.

Along with comfort food, I have PJ. He seems to sense that things are different, right now. I have AC on a hot day, beautiful needlework projects to complete. A smart TV with unlimited entertainment. My new laptop so I can get some work done in the interim. Focusing on what I have vs a car that hiccups instead of starting.

So much to be grateful for, focusing on that feels empowering.

What about mental comfort?

What about emotional comfort?

What about spiritual comfort?

What about financial comfort?

Having all four of these covered, all I have to do is wait for Monday.

Today is Saturday. Of course, the trusty steed would pooh out on a Saturday. As I look deeper, go for my interior when the exterior of life throws a curve ball, seeing it as a small life lesson. It makes more sense, is more acceptable than a poor me or victim of circumstances attitude.

The attitude of choice can make such a difference.

Actions taken can also make a big difference.

Using the extended time in the present, carless can also make a difference.

Positive thoughts -> Happy feelings -> Smiling when I feel like crying -> Lower cortisol level -> Choosing a healthy comfort food ->

Everything will brie all right.

The life I have in a world that I view isn't a glass that is full. It's a glass overflowing with infinite clear, unadulterated, cool water. It's overflowing as the life decisions I have made have given a good life. Far from perfect. Closer to perfect, a 7 on a 1 - 10 scale. 

As one who lives as a lady hawk, learned to live as a free spirit, learned to depend mostly on my own sheer will. Only within personal thoughts, independent attitude, strength of willing it to be so. While other people have sought to use me in exchange for giving very scant. Other people who call on me for help while leaving me somewhat unsettled, even a scant depleted for me to replenish on my own. 

I am all I have.

There are only a very few who give back to me. Some of the users are the ones I have had to eliminate or diminish contact with them.

How does one survive, even strive in this?

When the choices are to give up, wallow in all that is making me feel hopeless or get moving, choose the positive, such as ~

Exercise

Play with PJ

Get going on a project

Take a long walk

(Hopefully it will be on a long plank to match)

Indulge in creativity

Write the feelings down

(Instead of eating the feels)

Sit outside in the back yard & just listen to the birds

Start a small organizing project

When pondering on the world, the cultures of the different countries I have experienced first-hand. Then ponder on the people I have known from those cultures. Again, to ponder on the culture mixture of all the people in my own country, the USA.

People who say that people are simple are so self-misled.

Even more people who say the male gender is simple are more 

self-misled.

People who are realistic thinkers, who act in more truthful ways, who speak from truth while still being kind are simpler. In a world that tells us to tell the truth, be who you are. Then, finding out early in life that telling the truth & being who you truly are can deliver 

a 1 - 2 punch of trouble. 

Worldliness can be a bitch with 22 puppies.

Most of the comfort in life, for me, is benevolently gotten by needlework, growing things, meditation that calms the mind while elevating my spirit. Some needleworkers I have known have certain subjects they love, some that they avoid.

Band Samplers are a favorite for me. Every time a band is completed, it feels like a mini finish. Line upon line, precept on precept, prose & poetry with flowers & lace.

Beautiful children & adult people doing interesting things. Less static, more of an in-motion feel.

Flowers of all sorts. Often, it's roses or a flower with petals with a contrast center such as Gerber Daisies, Sunflowers. Stitching roses creates such easily recognized beauty though it can feel mundane.

Poetry, whether historic or original can cause intimate introspection.

That was the sweet. Here is the other.

Bugs. 

Having a strong reaction to venom in insects, especially bees makes me mostly averse to stitching bees. Though I do it sometimes if the bee is cute or more styled than realistic. Any other insects such as beetles, spiders, creepy crawly inching type bugs. Yuck.

Rodents, specifically mice. If you have had to deal with three separate rodent infestations, as I have. It might be easy to see.

The real-life mice, rats, various others that can contaminate my food storage, make nests in my hat boxes, chew a favorite book to pieces.

Those pesky rodents are neither harmless or cute.

Outside of those 2 categories, most needlework subjects are delightful ways to pass the time, to comfort in grief, to amuse.

When You Fly Solo

Having seen so many people suffering, searching, asking me how I can be so happy as a single woman. There are many skills that had to be developed so that living without a man in my life became easier.

Prefacing this by saying I will always love men, I will always need a man. What I can't handle is being lied to, emotionally manipulated, being told I'm in the wrong when I'm clearly right. 

Investing in a relationship that is a dead end or him forgetting to tell me a little detail about being married with children.

It's been said that men are simple.

Men would be simple if they were truthful, compassionate, unafraid of commitment, would man up, show up, be who they truly are, not as who they wish they were. It's scary to be authentic, I get it.

Knowing my worth, what I bring to the table, I'm fine with eating in my own company.

As a single woman, I'm 100% debt free. No grown children depending on me. Having raised them to get out into the world, make their way, do their own adulting, now, they do. It was a great feeling when their hands were no longer in my pockets, only in their own.

So, yes, I will always love guys, always need a guy, just have no tolerance for the BS they dish.

Bug Killer - There are all sorts of critters that find their way into my home. Just 2 days ago, I was settled into my bed, hadn't turned the light off, yet. In my peripheral vision, a big black beetle climbing up the wall across from my bed. This would have made me freak out, scream, lose it a few times. The thought of that thing crawling into my bed as I slept was terrifying.

Not today, Satan Bug, not today.

I threw one of my house slippers at it to make it fall onto the floor. These beetles can move fast, I was ready. Holding both slippers in my hands, I used one to corral it, the other to kill it.

Mission accomplished.

Still shaking from the rush of fear, I laid in my bed, had to calm myself before falling asleep.

Registering my car - When I was married, the one I was married to had always registered the vehicles, didn't involve me in the process.

As silly as it may seem, I had thought that it was a one & done per car. Quite blissfully clueless about this. Thanks to the VA Officer in Graham, TX, he showed me how to use my Military Veteran status to only pay $10. to register my car. Suh-weet.

Cooking for one - This took me too long to master this. Sadly, food waste happened too often. Trial plus so many errors. It took time to learn. The temptation to just hit a drive thru was very strong. Perseverance was needed. Now, I will only buy berries that I will eat within 2 days. My coconut yogurt & berries is a go-to.

Fielding rude questions asked by strangers - How is it that you're single or why aren't you married? I stopped replying to this. A reply only produces more questions.

Do you mind if I ask your age? (actually, I do). Such a rude question.

Scammers - Many people will fall into a funk after a long relationship ends. It leaves them sad, lonely, vulnerable. Although I was lonely though not really sad as he had killed any love or respect, I ever had felt for him, 2 years prior to filing.

When I was done with his BS, I was done. I financed the divorce, I would say it was the best money I ever spent. Actually, the best was when I paid cash for my car. Then, the price paid for my Doberman.

So, financing the divorce was the third best money I ever spent.

Allowing myself to adjust to being single & living on my own was crucial to being happy. It seems that once I had done the self-help, had mostly healed, things would be great until I let a man into my life. He would have a wee all over what I had worked so diligently to build.

The last time I allowed myself to have my heart broken in 2012, is the last time I will allow it. Admitting I allowed it, I stopped.

Scammers were hitting their peak.

What the slimy romance scammers didn't know is that I was happy in my life. With another person or without, I was happy either way. Scammers could regurgitate their flowery words from their scripts. There was nothing they could offer me in their fake way that I would ever want or need. They did try. 

Both in real life as well as online. Thinking they could squeeze cash out of me.

Umm, nope.

The last time was when a guy said to me:

I want to make you happy.

My reply:

Dude, you have low goals, I'm already happy.

So, it has gone. Having spurned every scammer, I started helping others that the slimeball scammers had tried to deceive.

Being past all of that, it's so ridiculous being on the outside, peering in.

The most important part of resisting scammers is to resist panic or fear or any excessive emotion a scammer can evoke from a target.

Being a target is a matter of chance, being successfully scammed is a matter of choice.

A person can slow to impulse, keep calm, shut the scammer down.

Time is on my side - An important aspect of remaining single & celibate is to fill my time as needed. Just short of the hustle culture, the aim is less about filling the time as it is filling it as needed.

Holidays & Birthdays - One deeply painful aspect was that the holidays stopped existing for me. Whereas I used to get 15 - 20 Christmas cards, now, I get 3, sometimes even 4! There are 2 people, dear to my heart, who remember me on nearly every occasion. Gifts, cards. Some are personally wrapped (love those). Some are a thoughtful item sent from Amazon. Still very thoughtful.

Some would consider me as a night owl. The preference is for being considered a Lady Hawke.

 

 

Just Because

Because only the one that it lives inside

Heart Mind Soul all in one small body

Smiles they smiled the tears they cried 

Cried at night when only they could hear

In the ringing of the loudest of silence

Echoing in waves of wonder of fear

No one is allowed to speak their personal truth

Hi how are you I'm doing well all day every day

Bloody scrapes are seen heartbreaks leave no proof

 

People are the way they are when shaped by living

A scant few cares about triumph or great sorrow

Only what they can squeeze out of the giving

Just because someone seems as if they are thriving

Under the surface of soft light shining out

There are mountains of their struggles of striving

The soliloquies that keep changing or repeating

Keep up the effort of spirited hopeful defiance

Which holds strong a battered heart to keep beating

Winners Circle

When receiving a very happy event, the hardest part of it for me is to keep it to myself. With a very giving nature it's difficult to do this. It felt good to share my happy news, to share what I could with others.

Learning to keep positive events to myself, telling no one or almost no one is something I have had to work on for most of my life. Mostly, when someone gets a large influx of lucre, other people are rarely just happy for the one who received it. Most people will go after the fortunate one for a piece of the pie. 

Nearly a sense of entitlement even if the person has not been a part of the fortunate one's life for a few years. Even if they weren't there for them when they went through hard times. Even if they did them dirty, they become all about apologizing, the faux request to do lunch or reconnect or some such BS. flows out of them like sludge.

Even if the one favored by fortune gives a bit just to be kind, they will chant their sad stories, their rediscovered caring.

As my father was fond of saying:

"Even if pigs flew out of my ass."

Thanks, daddy!

Having experienced this in recent years, I know what to watch out for.

Absence of the pigs, lol.

Except the greedy human sort.

Seeing the large win, I believe, was a prelude. A way of teaching me a lesson that was necessary to learn. One that would benefit me for future events. Though I did share with a few people, they kept coming to me asking for more.

Out of the 10 people I gifted, only 2, outside of blood family were grateful without trying to milk more from me. A sad phrase that applies to this is that it's when true friends reveal themselves. Unfortunately, it's also when fakers do the same. The big reveal.

People, for all time, have been on the Earth to learn lessons. A great many lessons whether casual or more complex. By tuning in to the world around you that is both seen as well as unseen, there is a wealth of knowledge all around. Being tuned in to recognize the opportunities is a tremendous aid. It can be something as simple as a wild bird or a butterfly landing just outside a window you're gazing out of or even on you.

These creations of nature put themselves at risk if/when they do get so close to a person. Being at the top of the food chain, humans are predators with the ability to cause great help or harm to them sometimes even death.

It's easy to ignore this or pooh pooh it away. Give a more mainstream explanation for it even if only to yourself.

Being a spiritual person, less of a religious person, paying attention to the beautiful happenings around me has led me to some nearly miraculous events. Also have been protected from harm.

A mystic said something once that stuck in my mind is:
"Money is like blood, it must flow. Holding onto it causes sludging, entropy, premature aging & disease."

This doesn't mean to go on spending sprees. It's a cautionary piece of advice to spend money carefully on that which is worth it. Simple.

Most of life's difficult though beneficial lessons take time, hard introspection to learn. Then the effort to integrate the lessons learned into the day to day.

As for me & my life lessons I think I have finally learned to zip it.

There's life, then there's life

People say it's just life. We are born we live our lives, then, we die. It's easy to say this until the death of someone you love touches you. Having always taken the tenderness of the pain in people's hearts seriously, it makes me happy that I have.

Pain is pain

Grief is pain

Loss is pain

Emotional hurt is pain

When each of my children stuck it to me, telling me what I did when they were children that hurt them. I took into consideration that this was pain, their own private pain whether I remembered differently or not.

It mattered far less who was right or who was wrong.

It hurt me deeply that all of my sacrifice, work, time, sleepless nights, love, care were not acknowledged near as much or not commensurate with the harm they say I caused. Just this cult like thingy that many adult children have hopped on the bandwagon of.

I had pain that they had also caused in me.

I say sincerely, it was important to push my own pain aside, acknowledge my adult children's pain, apologize to them for pain that they say I caused. Because their own pain needed healing & I love them dearly, so, I apologized over & over when they told me of their pain. This went on for over 5 years until I finally let them know that I had apologized so many times so that they could heal, move on from it. It was time for them to heal, move on from it.

If a wound is to heal you must stop touching it.

If you know that your parent(s) had a terrible childhood, show some decency, some compassion. Show the compassion you hope your own children show you when they persecute you for all that they say you did wrong. Whether you meant to or not. Whether you remember it the way they do or not. It often happens full circle.

Right now, I'm going through some gunk that will take time to heal from. Some people have suggested going to a counselor.

Having had exactly one counselor do some good for me out of the nine I have gone to over the years. The others only harmed me.

The last counselor I went to violated ethics by lying to me, probably thinking I was clueless enough to not know what was done. That hurt even more than the pain I was seeking counseling for.

I'm intelligent enough to figure it out.

Have to deal with this, myself.

When I talk to a couple of friends, it feels like I'm over-burdening them. Saying a "couple" I mean there are only two.

Learning to take care of things on my own, it's impossible for me to trust anyone else. After so much hurt, so much betrayal that eroded my ability to trust.

There were six children in my original family. With my brothers passing on May 10 2026, now, there are three of us left.

Ironically or maybe not, we are the ones who never smoked. Barely touched alcohol or not at all. Hmm. 

Now, the youngest of us, the eldest sibling & I remain.

Blogging or really any writing helps with the grief. It has to take the place of going to a counselor. Whether healing quicker or slower, it is what I have.

Since my brother's death it feels like I have been floating between tears then sadness then feeling numb then tears again. Repeat.

It's only been 4 days, so, still fresh.

If I were a drinker or other substance user I would be living in a haze.

If I hadn't eliminated excess sugar from what I eat, I would be close to the bottom of a gallon of chocolate ice cream.

Letting myself indulge away in doing needlework is my band aid. When I was in Utah recently, I found that a store sold Vernors. Since living in Texas, I have ordered it from Amazon. A bit pricey, I can handle it, so, it was worth it, all good. Vernors is a ginger ale that is a standout from any other ginger ale.

It's from Michigan, like me.

It's a comfort item. As a child, mom had hot Vernors for us when it was cold outside. If we had been ice skating or sledding or after trick or treating, hot Vernors warmed us up every time.

In the hot, humid Michigan summers we had what was called a Boston Cooler. Ice cold Vernors with a scoop of vanilla ice cream.

YUM!

Having my Vernors (without the ice cream) is a comfort to me as I mourn the loss of my brother. Since I received an eviction notice by text from a coward I rent from, I have to prepare to move.

The cherry on top is the loss of income from the career I loved.

This shall pass. It will pass like a kidney stone, still, it will pass.

So happy that I have such a great dog. PJ is such a comfort to me. He seems to know I'm going through some stuff. He is a clingy dog, which I love. He has been more of a Velcro pup lately. Love it.

Since I can't sleep due to all of the upheaval, I'm getting things done that need to be done. It's just me & PJ here, when I break down in sobs there is no public spectacle. 

Crying in public is so embarrassing. 

It doesn't matter what the reason is. It's just tacky.

That's way too much attention for me when strangers show sympathy or just gawk. Having never been the drama queen, never wanted the overkill attention. People used to tell me I'm pretty or beautiful or some such. 

Now that I have PJ, people tell me my dog is beautiful, I like that so much better. Being complimented by people I don't know made me feel like a hunted prey or like they were just buttering me up to try to sell something to me or get something from me.

Deep in my being, I feel things changing.

Being more of a spiritual person than a religious one, it seems that I feel more than most people, feel it deeper than others. Being keenly aware of spiritual presences, entities around me, I feel it.

Those who don't believe it, have never experienced it or grav toward the SNL Church lady are secure in denial of spiritual truth.

     For centuries, different cultures rotated between persecuting those with knowledge of spiritual things to executing them. Most people are familiar with the Salem Witch Trials in the early USA days.

The 1692 Pendle Witch Trials in Great Britain.

Those who were persecuted, executed or ostracized set up the modern-day fear of being thought of as different or weird. 

Modern attitudes toward spirituality aren't carried in "magic genetics". They survive as psychological traits shaped by our evolutionary history. Humans have evolved innate cognitive mechanisms to guard against people who think, talk, believe differently.

That's me.

For these reasons, remaining single, unattached with only a very small number of people who I confide in. Even with them, sometimes, it's necessary to hold back so as not to overburden.

Anyone who wishes to unlock the spiritual side of themselves, here is a list of books to start. Remember that the words & information are very revealing, powerful, will change you forever. 

You have been told.

The Road Less Traveled by M. Scott Peck

The Master Key System

The Kybalion

Outsmarting Reality

Propaganda by Edward Bernays

Read People Like A Book by Patrick King