Who was she?

One phrase will be a real give away. Are you ready?

Candle in The Wind

Did you guess?

Three husbands, 3 divorces.

Her real name was Norma Jeane Mortenson. She was born to a woman who had so many difficulties. Those difficulties were passed on to Norma Jeane. 

Marilyn Monroe

Yep, in the prior post, it's difficult to believe all those little known facts about Marilyn. She has been imitated, studied, envied, talked about, missed, cried over, wondered about. All, after her all too early passing on in 1962. People who never knew her have written songs about her, created artwork in her image. Quite amazing!

Knowing my love, yes love, for Norma, someone once told me he knew someone who looked just like Norma Jeane. I happened to see her while grocery shopping. HAH!

The girl had fake boobs, no butt, brown eyes,limp, over dyed brown hair. 
Her skin was caked with makeup to camouflage the dull gray cast, probably from smoking, drinking too much, not enough water.
After talking to her the stark lack of resemblance was more pronounced. She was messed up by life, yes, however, the girl blames everyone for everything that ever went wrong in her life. She foisted the responsibility for her own personal happiness, her own personal safety off on others. She gave away her own personal power, her self worth to others. 
She should have spent the money for makeup & cosmetic surgery on a good counselor, psychotherapy.It would have helped her more.

She was 36 and already had face wrinkles, a sour attitude, only allowing herself to become more damaged by poor choices.

Definitely nothing like Norma.

Norma had bright blue eyes, brown hair that was bleached blond. Norma's body was only touched by a scalpel when she had to have an emergency appendectomy. 
She also spent a great deal of time in psychotherapy. By the time she passed on, she had healed the hurt of a very turbulent childhood. She looked better than ever, felt strong & in control of her own career, had her own film company, bought her own house. She had also tracked down the white baby grand piano on which she had been given piano lessons on when she learned to play.

Norma had 2 cosmetic surgeries. Had a slight bump on the end of her nose shaved off & an implant in her chin.

That's it.

Norma Jeane was a beautiful soul who had lived through more than her share of tragedy. She was very sensitive, had deep abandonment issues. Very intelligent. Kind hearted to a fault. She loved deeply, felt everything deeply. BOY! I can identify with that!

It ended up being her undoing.

I would have liked to've known you, but I was just a kid. Your candle burned out long ago. Your legend never did.

~ Sir Elton John

As 2016 rolls in, love & luck y'all!

Who was she?

She was the same age as Queen Elizabeth of GB
Her favorite color was white
She only went to school up to 10th grade
By the time she was ten years old she played piano beautifully.

She loved animals, little children and gardening.

Cooking, sewing & keeping a house clean were enjoyable to her.

When she wasn't working she enjoyed reading.

Literature classes at UCLA inspired her to study philosophy 

Exercising daily was very important to her.

She died decades before her mother did.

Being the 2nd woman to start her own film company won respect 

She converted to Judaism in 1956

Her IQ exceeded 160 ~ that's genius level 
She wore prescription spectacles, didn't like to wear them
Mariah Carey bought her white baby grand piano

Who do you think she was? Any guesses?

Tune in next time.  :)

Matthew

Matthew 

What is it about the name? Its meaning is "Gift from God". The guys I have known who were named Matthew were really exceptional people. The first boy I ever saw naked. I was only a very innocent 12, he was 18. It was by accident! He was so...gorgeous, rugged, with a gleaming smile. He was at the private beach behind his parents home, skinny dipping. Just casually walking up out of the water wearing nothing except a smile! I was frozen with shock, awe.....something else, too. Hmm.
He looked at me, puzzled, "What ? You look like you never saw a naked guy, before!....o shit! You haven't, have you?"
Nodding my head, no. Still too shocked to speak. He had his clothes on, now. He was very contrite.

Then there's my favorite cousin, Matthew. Such an accomplished man. Deep compassion, great sense of humor. He's very special.

Matthew, who I dated for a few months after I had been in Hawai'i for 6 months. He made me feel as if I was so important. He called me "precious". Brought white roses every time we went out. He went back to Colorado on leave, had a ons with his ex from 
10th-12th grade. She was preggo, he felt he had to do the right thing, which was to marry her. The 14 page letter he wrote to me, was gut wrenching. He did the right thing. I burned the letter that night. I heard the baby was stillborn & he committed suicide later.

Then there was Matthew, who I knew briefly, following divorcing an abusive male. I was a mess, he was a mess. He was incredibly cognizant that we were both in a bad place. He was newly divorced as was I. We were both deeply lonely.
No sex, however, many nights of good conversation after dinner, all night, fireside, in my townhouse.

Recently, when a GF visited, taking her out for a birthday dinner, our server was so attentive. Just 19......so charmingly attractive. Of course his name was Matthew. 

What else could it possibly be???

Today 

Hello out there! Whoever you are, wherever you are.

Welcome 

Today has a good vibe, feels like a bottle of bubbles or a can of that pressurized whipped cream. Yup! That feeling. 
Maybe it's because of a good night of sleep with very sweet dreams. So wonderful when that happens.
Subsequently my daily workout was quite sweet!
The light fracture in my foot is healing, though, still painful. Love my workouts, so, am pushing through the pain, ignoring it. Have increased 3 minute planks to 5 minutes. Love the challenge! 

Going easy on my right foot during side plank makes me feel like a testicle. Soft, weak, floppy, easily damaged. At the same time, using any reason I can think of to work out vs any excuse to not go.
Today?
Awesome workout.
5 minute plank
30 minute treadmill, 15 incline, 4 mph
5 minute plank
30 minutes elliptical 15 resistance, distance - 3.6 miles 
45 minute strength train
1 hour yoga for cool down 

Feels fantastic! Am not a super girl, however, am super motivated & feeling stronger every day. No workout supplement needed today. :)

Personally, it's my wish that more people would catch on, start cleaning up their unhealthy eating habits. If they would start exercising every day, they would feel so good! 
Big pharm, hospitals, doctors would lose a whooole lotta cheddar!
Can't have that, can we?
Keep the sheeples obese, blind & scared. 
Not this girl!
Many of my life practices may seem odd because they're different yet very natural. Some of my little secrets?

Home made toothpaste. 1 cup organic extra virgin coconut oil, 1 teaspoon baking soda, 10 drops food grade peppermint oil. Store in an airtight container. Dip a dry toothbrush to get a pea sized amount on your toothbrush. Start brushing as usual, wet the toothbrush if you wish. No need to refrigerate. 

Using raw unfiltered honey to wash my face. Rinse face with warm water. Leave it wet. Squeeze a quarter size amount into one hand, rub palms todether. Massage your face in a circular motion with the honey. Face, neck & chest. Rinse with warm water. Sounds weird, I know, yet totally effective, softening, nourishing to my skin.

Those are the only "secrets" (that are no longer secrets) to share. :)

As is my usual habit, I'm watching The History Channel on my smart TV while crafting gifts for loved ones.

Cold, rainy day. Ideal for indulging in sedentary practices.

Until next time, be well.

All i ever wanted .....

Only ever wanted to be cared about, to be loved, REALLY LOVED. No hidden agenda, no emotional lies (saying i love you to get laid etc etc ) or factual lies (marital status, intent). Just one guy who actually truly cares about me, for me. No more, no less. A single, emotionally available white guy who is available to be a friend first, more, if the chemistry & timing is copacetic.

Seems that a person such as this could exist, could want a debt free, anti-drama girl in his life. A girl who would make his life better, happier, yes.

Hasn't happened.

The last time I felt loved was when my maternal grandfather was alive.

Long time ago.

It may or may not happen again.

IDK

36

Is this a magical number? Some sort of common denominator of a times up mortality?

So many beloved celebrities as well as non celebrities seem to expire at the age of 36.

Beauty, fame, depression, boredom, disappointment, resurrection, infidelity, libidinous, stardom 

All of these seem to play a role.

Have yet to succumb, personally.

Stay tuned.

So much love, So much pain

Can a person have one without the other? It seems they coexist in a rather sick, twisted symbiotic dance of fools. 

A life without love is, indeed a bland existence, though the heart beats, the other organs function as if only patiently existing until death eventually occurs.

And pain? What is pain to one person could be experienced as pleasure to another. Ya gotcherself quite a can of worms, there!

It seems that there has to be a balance of these elements for life to be enough challenge. It should remain stimulating with enough warm fuzzy to reward rising to the duel of wits or strength or both!

Personally? I like a bit of a challenge. Take notice I didn't say I love a challenge as well as saying a mere bit, as in just a little.

My life has been far too laden with challenge, love, not so much. It's the way life has played out.

Oftentimes, I will make acquaintance with someone who has been showered with love starting with their birth then continuing on for their entire lives. Yet, they simply see it as ordinary.  Unfortunately, this sort of charmed state of being is more rare.

Looking upon these fortunate souls stirs more curiosity in me than anything. Envy, resentment as well as similar common human reactions are a waste of time, energy. Fruitless fodder.

In an attempt at personal growth for self discovery, watching this sort of person is quite fascinating to me. From a safe, respectful distance, of course. Never intruding, never in a stalkerish manner. Giving respectful obedience to laws, privacy, etcetera.

An example?

Sure!

During High School, there was a classmate who seemed to have it all & have it together. I was very shy & quiet, I began watching her. Watching her mannerisms, watching how others reacted to her.

It was so fascinating! Deciding to practice her moves at home in front of a mirror to see what they looked like on me, I varied them slightly to look more natural before I tried the moves in public. 

Mostly, it looked silly, at first.

More practice.

Better!

Variations.

Even better!

Most of it didn't stick with me permanently. The mannerism that stuck was the way she did a kinda bouncy glide when going up stairs.

The first time I did it in public where other students were around, it was a success! One of the popular girls looked back at me, smiled and told me I had a "super cute" way of going up stairs.

My claim to fame! Ha ha!

This began my fascination with people watching. A little more love, a little less pain.

Emerge

A few weeks ago, I found out about this awesome supplement. A guy who works out as much as I do (okay, he works out more!) told me about it. He's no one I would ever date, however, he offered to give me some awesome workout tips.

There was a catch.

I had to have dinner with him.

So, my rules are, public place, daylight hours.

We went to a nice casual restaurant. He had some really good tips, interesting fitness information. Still, he was no one I would date, there was no chemistry from my point of view.

The most useful, the most interesting information he gave me was about a workout supplement I had not previously heard of. He talked it up & talked it up. I went home looked for it online. Holy shla-moly! Expensive stuff!
When I saw him again, he offered to give me a container of it, only if, yeah, I had dinner with him, AGAIN! UGH!
One more dinner & I could get a new, sealed container of it in the flavor I wanted. YAY!

Have to say, it is an incredible workout supp. For awhile, now, my supp of choice has been Redline. Usually in capsule form. It's for those days when energy is low, a push is needed.
The drawbacks of Redline, in my experience:
1. Extreme let down as soon as it wears off
2. The jitters!
3. It messes up my sleep cycles
4. Have to cycle off for 2 weeks every 4 weeks ~ No picnic!
5. Causes extreme depression when cycling off
6. Pre-dosed, so there's no way to take 1/2 doses

That's the dirty 1/2 dozen. Just in my own experience.

This new supp. :

1. Delivers a steady stream of result
2. Effects taper off, no sudden drop
3. Sound sleep at night
4. No jitters, no nausea, no headache
5. Powder form, so, easy to adjust intake
6. 12 different flavors
7. No need to cycle off
8. Prolonged effects for entire workout
9. Sold in greater quantity, more bang for a buck!
10. Flavor is good without after taste
11. More vitamins & nutrients than most supplements

So, to sum it up, no need to go out with the guy again, got my information & product. It really is a good supp. No more Redline for me. VPX Sports was slowly phasing Redline out anyway. Am not one to worry much about things I can't do anything about. Usually, it's best to go with the flow (to a certain extent) realizing that to worry is a waste of time, things will work their own way out in the time they are supposed to.

So far, it's working.

Fitness is my passion, I see little changes all the time. Whatever I can use (legal, moral, etc) to contribute to my fitness goals, is good!

This is good. Really, really good!

Sky above me, Earth below me, Fire within me

We all have fire within us, don't we? 

To one degree or another? 

On a scale of 1 - 5? 1 - 10? 
Hmm. Humans, I think are a bit more complex than those limiting scales. 
Maybe 1 - 100 or even 1 - 500 would be a more accurate scale.

With 1 being almost comatose and 500 being a Spartan Warrior, always in battle mode, where do you think you would be?
It's tough to say, without sounding narcissistic, without putting oneself under an uncomfortable mental microscope.

Maybe, we are all at different rates at different times in our lives or through out different phases in life. As a child, being unaware of the danger in the world is common. A person may recklessly dart out in front of a car while joyfully enjoying the speed of pedaling a bicycle so fast the wind is singing past ears in which hearing is so stimulated, it usurps all else.

As a teenager, rebelling against authority of parents, teachers, even law enforcement personnel is fairly common. Sometimes the lesson is learned, sometimes the limits are tested over and over, disregarding consequences.

It's a delicate balance, isn't it?

Keeping the fire of a joyful spirit alive, well into adulthood, while tempering it enough so as to fit in, in a world of rules, laws, norms.

Yes, I know of this struggle. 

I was painfully shy as a child in an abusive, dysfunctional home. While subjecting myself to the discipline of military basic training, the shy girl became minimized. The fiery spirit was awakened.

Rut roh!

Of all the career fields I could have chosen, I chose Law Enforcement.
A male dominated, strict, fire tempering career field. Not exactly the best fit for a personality such as mine was, yet, it's what I did.

My mother was a rebellious spit-fire with bright red curly hair. She thumbed her nose at parents, rules, anything that didn't suit her fiery temperament. She also ended up paying the price for it.

Her life.

I like to think that I have just enough of her intelligence, her fire, her inventiveness, while having the maturity to choose a better path.
I have strawberry blond hair. Not exactly the light blond of my German Grandmother, not exactly the fiery red of my mother.

Somewhere in there is the happy medium. The happy medium of being a kind, compassionate sweetheart, while also being one to stand up for myself. Keep my mental-physical-emotional boundaries. A sweetheart while being far from a door mat.

If you don't want to be a door mat, don't lay down.

Phrasing this in the positive:

If you wish to be respected, have a spine, stand up for yourself.

See that? *smile*

People don't like it when a person stands up for themselves. At least, not in the moment. They want their own way, most of us, do. Yet, where is the fun in a person who allows anyone to walk all over them. The truth is, it's ultimately no fun for anyone.

With my strawberry blond hair, big green eyes, only 5'3", I look like an easy target. Well, that's a mistake. I'm a small town country girl, I look like a classic girl next door. Am well aware of this, it's been pointed out enough times.
Yet, I'm a survivor, a fighter, a lover, a patriot, a dreamer, I think very deep, I love with my whole heart, had to cut that shizz out! lol

Thoughts of suicide also turn around inside my brain, then, the fighter takes over. Hopefully, the fighter will keep winning as the suicide season is here for me. Being alone at Christmas is so hard. No one really cares enough about me to care that I am alone on Christmas Day as I have been for the last 3 years if I didn't shell out the $$ to take a trip somewhere, where it doesn't matter. Places such as Las Vegas, NV, Honolulu, HI, or, even out on a very very long hike if the weather permits. 

Still, the injustice of having given so much to 4 ungrateful offspring, having welcomed single people into the family home so many times for so many years. Yet, I am on the other side with no one caring enough as I had cared for others for so many years.
It sucks.
So, I allow the fighter to win, yet again, this year. I super clean my home as a gift to myself. I avoid the Christmas songs, the "Merry Christmas" trilling that is everywhere. I tell myself, that it's okay, even though it isn't.

Oh, I could have someone in my life if I were willing to just settle. I settled for a lesser life than I deserved at 21, I won't settle again.

A Spartan Warrior comforts herself, makes her own happiness, stays strong, does what is needed to survive. She fends off the wild beasts in the form of males that would try to take advantage of her desire to be loved. She gives up some extraneous possessions in trade for money which would give her security. She focuses on that which evokes happiness, soft, sweet, feminine things. She trains her body to be strong, healthy, resilient, lets the sweat become her armor. The magical sweat of sweet release of endorphins. 

Guess who is happier, stronger, more lean, wiser than last year?

THIS GIRL!

Have you ever lost control?

This could apply to anyone, anything, any time, anywhere. Was it scary, in your experience? Going into a tail-spin as though driving in cold weather where the roads are icy, as careful as you are, the tires aren't gripping the road sufficiently, it's beyond your control to keep the car on the road.

Here's another scenario.

Although your relationship with your spouse started out great, one event after another, after another, then, still more. It's tough to figure out how to fix it. They are spending way too much money, they don't want sex with you, they care more about a "new" person in their life, just as they used to care about you. It's out of your control. Irretrievably broken. Nothing you do or say makes a difference.

Yet another instance is when you thought you knew what would kill the weeds in your garden. Using pesticides may kill the weeds, yet, may also kill your plants and put chemicals you don't want in it.

As much as you pull the weeds out, daily, they continue to grow back. Life takes over, then, it becomes 1 day since pulling out weeds, then it turns into 3 days, then a week, when you realize the weeds have taken over, it feels like such a monumental task, it causes one to just give up.

These are three different scenarios, yet, they exude the same feeling of hopelessness, defeat, sometimes even depression.

This was the best way I could describe for you, how it felt when I began gaining weight and it was beyond my control to stop it. There were many factors, yet, the responsibility for my own health, well being, for the care of my body, is ultimately, my own. 

It's personal responsibility AKA owning my own shizz. :)

When a person has never experienced the hopelessness of having their weight pile on beyond their control, it's hard to explain to someone who has never had it happen to them. Possibly the prior scenarios will evoke a recognition from someone who HAS had the scary experience of sliding on ice. Maybe facing a divorce (UGH!) or trying to succeed at gardening only to fail miserably enough to make them give up in despair. 

For awhile, I did give up in despair, allowed myself to become quite porky.

Double & even triple UGH!

It was very frightening, however, nothing I tried seemed to work. I was also very very busy. When I wasn't busy, I was exhausted. The "ME" time I got was at night when everyone else went to bed. I devoted that time to relieve some stress by creating beautiful hand sewn clothing for my 4 kiddos. Sometimes creating beautiful needlework pieces to adorn our home, make gifts for others or anything, really.

Anything except exercise.

I was quite sedentary. Some would see it as fat, dumb & happy! Ha ha! 

Not dumb, yet the others apply quite well. I was content, as the weight piled on. When my younger sister died from complications of obesity, it should have been a wake-up call. It wasn't.

I still enjoyed daily sex with my husband (ex-huzz, now! YAY!)

My home was clean, my kiddos were happy.

What was the problem?

The problem was that my health was suffering & would most likely fail if I continued to live a sedentary life without cleaning up my diet, beginning to exercise regularly.

So, I began. At first, it was grueling, painful, I hated it. I kept pushing myself.

As my weight dropped off, my marriage crumbled. He was a very jealous person, although he put me down for gaining weight, he, now found fault with everything else to assuage his deep insecurities.

I pushed on.

It was a slow process.

I kept pushing myself.

The divorce finalized.

I used the happiness of being free to push myself harder.

Slowly, I began changing what I was eating. Doing research, finding what worked. Changing everything up to get to my goal of getting control of my weight. Changing up my workouts when I went to a plateau.

Oh yeah!

The formerly dreaded ~ PLATEAU!

I say, formerly dreaded because, now, I actually like it when I hit a plateau. For anyone who doesn't know what a plateau is. It's when your workout becomes so easy that it no longer feels like work. It's when you don't see any more new muscle development. Sometimes, it can be as simple as not losing any weight for a long period of time such as 1 month. I don't wait a month. Just sayin'! Ha ha!

After having been back into fitness for almost 12 years, now, I can feel a plateau right around within 48 hours of it happening. When I feel it, I know I have to change everything up. Change the foods I'm eating, change my workout. Do it different. 

Recently, I started using free weights to build strength, to build muscle. The feeling of strength is so empowering!

The feeling in my body which I felt at the age of 19 has come back. tight arms, tight butt, tight legs, tight chest. My abs are not at the tightness yet, but, they will be. I will push until they are.

I haven't weighed myself since October. Stepping on the scale, today, I have lost 10 lbs. WOW! That makes me a happy happy happy girl!

In the past month I have concentrated on veggies & protein. Now, I am a very easy to please, girl. I could eat the same thing every day, wear the same clothes, every day. I would be content with that. For awhile I would use 2 - 5.5 oz cans of tuna & chop up whatever veggies happened to be in my fridge. Even some fruit if I wanted it.

PLATEAU!

So, I changed it up. 

1 big handful of baby spinach + 1 roma tomato + 1 avocado + 1/2 bell pepper + 2 chopped boiled eggs. 1 salmon fillet, pan seared.

It worked!

Bye bye plateau!

Also, on 1 November, I started juicing 1 whole lemon, peel et al! First thing in the morning, brush teeth, 16 oz water, drink the lemon, brush teeth again, out the door to the gym.

It's working!

Oh, and, in 2004, I was in a size 24 jeans, now? My size 8s are loose on me. I have European & Native American genetics. I would have to starve to be a size 0. Not going there! Being healthy, first & foremost while getting down to a healthy, comfortable weight is most important.

Hope this has inspired people out there.

I have a kind, loving heart, always happy to help others.

Have a great day!

(I know I will! :)  )

Are you happy? Do you want to be?

Loaded questions, right?

Maybe

I decided a long time ago, like 10 minutes ago, to be happy. I also decided 5 minutes ago to be happy. Then, 1 minute ago, I decided to be happy, again. See what I just did, there?

Deciding to be happy is a choice people can make. It sounds unrealistic, yet, what does a person have to gain from wallowing in anxiety, misery, negativity, grudge holding? The answer is, they don't gain anything, yet, they most definitely reap the countermeasure reward.

When I decided this, to be happy, I started noticing that people are trained from an early age to think in negativity. Have worked on myself to think, speak, act, in positives. Since I went along with the crowd in the negativity for so long, I still find myself having to self correct.

Pick up a magazine, a newspaper, open any online news feed, you will see it. The wording is mostly in negatives. Children are trained from an early age in negativity.

"Don't touch that!"
"You can't have that"
"There is no Santa Claus"
"If you don't clean your room..."
"We can't afford that so you can't have it"
"You're not going to go to that party tomorrow"

Dr. James Dobson first drew my attention to this, thankfully, while my kiddos were still in their formative years. I'm grateful for his good advice.

It began like this, speaking to my kiddos in positives instead of negatives, it made a huge difference.

N for negative
P for the way I corrected it to positive.

N - Time to get out of the pool, we have to go home
P - It's time to have popsicles!
(they knew they had to leave the pool if they wanted popsicles & they knew the popsicles were at home!)

N - Don't touch that! (as in, going through a store with many breakables in Kaiserslautern,Germany)
P - Fold your arms, touch with your eyes.

N - There were 6 in the family and 7 days when dishes needed to be washed.
P - We also had a dog, Sammy, who was very loved. The 7th day, it was Sammy's turn to do the dishes. We all loved Sammy & wanted to help him by doing the dishes together when it was his turn. Most family members did dishes together on that day. Some opted out, yet, it didn't matter. As long as the dishes were done, that was the whole enchilada. :)


At times, I did slip slightly into negative talk at times, yet, I'm human, we all are. Giving it your best effort is really what matters.

People who know me, know the tragedy which has occurred  in my life, remark at how positive I am.

Well....thank you. Thank you very much! (channeling Elvis, ha ha!)

To one degree or another, everyone has hills & valleys in life. Sometimes, they feel like they are in an abyss and then, later, are flying high! Wait.....that's a mental/emotional disorder. Hmm.

So, scratch that. Am sure you get the gist.

Part of being human is to have highs, lows, tragedy, triumph, joy, pain.

Staying in the positive I will only say that & leave it. When we re-tell a tragic event in our lives over and over, we are giving the negativity power. We all do it to some extent. Yet, we can minimize the negative, like blowing out a lit match vs putting out a house fire.
See what I just did? *smile*

Deepak Chopra is an East Indian philosopher who I listen to a lot. His words make so much sense. Bringing order to chaos, his fresh perspectives are very interesting. At night, when I lay in my bed, feeling the luxuriousness of  my soft sheets against my skin, the warmth of the electric blanket & heated mattress pad, lulling me into slumber, I think back to when I first woke that morning of that day. I recall every positive event of the day, then let the happiness of that feeling come to me again. Saying thank you, that was lovely! To each event I recall.
This practice, alone, makes a big difference in the amount of happiness felt.

When I see a bird on the fence outside my home, closer than usual and singing! Enjoyment of that which is so simple yet less common, it makes me happy.

Yup, ha ha. I am pretty easy to please.

So, these little things that activate the happy feelings can make up as well as counteract whatever negativity may fall upon my day. Negativity is part of life, yet, so is positivism!

While my creative juices have been flowing,  I have neglected my house cleaning. Have to admit that, the disorder has started to get to me, so, today, I decided that after my workout, after running errands, after my daily activities are done, I will give myself 2 hours to clean. With a time limit, it's easier for me, it just works.

Setting my world right? Maybe. :)

Some helpful words, from Dr. Chopra, that have helped me, are the following:

Are you feeling depressed? Hopeless? Sad? Lonely? Alone?

Go home
Make your bed
Dust your furniture
Clean your kitchen
Sweep and mop your floors

Do you feel better?

Good!

Do 2 loads of laundry, start to finish. Wash, dry, iron if needed, then fold, if needed, put them away in the dresser or the closet or wherever you would store them if company is expected.

Clean your home as if you are expecting some very important people to come over. Really, you are cleaning for that one VIP that this will make an impact upon - yourself!

It's amazing at how having a clean home can make the feeling of happiness bubble up for you.

I know, I have more reasons to be sad & depressed than I do reasons to be happy. This is realistic, to acknowledge the truth, while choosing to be happy. This is the mechanics of it.

I choose, this day, to be happy.

You can choose, too.

Choose happiness. Happy, positive thoughts, positive events.

You will see how this positivism changes your life!

Aloha!

The Truth, Right here, Right Now!

The truth is, I'm completely alone in the world, I have to be okay with that

The truth is it's past Thanksgiving, almost Christmas and it sucks to spend it alone!  ~ 

BIG TIME!

The truth is that I would rather be a suicide statistic than alive, yet, I'm still here

The truth is that my body is getting smaller, more lean, my thoughts are positive, my mind is peaceful while my house is a mess!

The truth is that, although I would love to have a man in my life, I have been hurt so many times that I no longer trust it if it has a penis.

The truth is that my creative juices have begun flowing after being dormant for 8 years

The truth is that I would rather help anyone else besides myself

The truth is that I feel like I'm growing younger 

The truth is that I love my breasts! They still look awesome! 100 chest presses every day

The truth is that I am happy that my ex huzz has become obese. After so many years of him putting me down and criticizing others for weight gain, he's gained a lot of excess weight that he can't control. His gut looks like he has a basketball under his shirt. Ha ha! So funny!

KARMA!!!

The truth is that as my weight drops while I become stronger, more lean, it's scary. Being porky meant that I didn't get much attention. Fat insulated me from the world.

The truth is that I would rather stay at home 90% of the time yet I force myself to get out.

So, with all this raw uncensored truth, it feels like a large burden has been lifted off my shoulders. It makes me feel free or maybe more free because I don't know who is reading this. There are rarely comments. *That wasn't a request for comments*

My BLOG has almost 2,000 views, only 9 comments on a little over 135 entries. Pretty sukky numbers! Ha Ha!

I write for the release of tension, creativity, getting the words out of my head, semi anonymously. Whatever the serotonin uptake, endorphins, mind quieting my workouts don't take care of, writing a BLOG does the rest. 

Do you need that?

I need that.

Deciding to be happy a long time ago with whatever means possible is my way of life that works for me. The same thing might not work for others, it sure works for me. So, I have been creating some really awesome things at home. Beautiful mermaids, simply elegant letters, sweet little bunnies and froggies that have turned out in a surge of cuteness! I finish a project, then, place it on my dining table so that when I get up the next morning, it's there, for me to look at with new eyes and feel the happiness, the joyfulness of creating something beautiful.

It's almost 2016. In 9 months a new person is fully formed.

SO START!

Start working out again!

Decide to do one thing every day that makes you happy. Hell, do 10 if that's what it takes.  :)

There's a feeling in my heart that 2016 is going to be a wonderful year, full of more happy things than ever. It feels as though my life is going to be hit with a tidal wave of  HAPPY!!!!!!

Stay tuned.

Laters, baby!

Things Are Making Sense

It's often referred to as the law of attraction or LOA in metaphysical schools of thought, however, it is also scriptural in theological schools of thought.

KJV Proverbs 23:7 For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he.

In LOA it is stated differently with the same meaning. As in, "That which is like unto itself is drawn."

Ask and it is given.

Your actions follow your thoughts.

A persons world goes to where their mind flows.

AKA - Serendipity

A good "vibe"

So, having dug deep into my daily life practices to make the necessary changes, I realized that the way I was living was self betrayal. I was attracting the calamitous events which led up to my life flashing before my eyes in 2011.

In that earth shattering moment, I was sure I was going to die. Was sure that death was so imminent, I remember that feeling of peace coming over me. I knew that I had lived a good life, knew that I had done much good in the world.

Please understand, I was no angel, I made mistakes, did things I should not have. However, I believed, at the time that I had done more unselfish, kind, pay it forward acts than anything.

Yet, my negative thoughts were attracting the painful calamity to me. So negative that it's amazing that I survived without permanent injury. Only my memories have been erased. I got off easy!

I realize this - NOW!

Since moving to Texas, I feel that being in a small town with such a quiet life has been a time of respite to reflect, to change, to grow.

Oh, boy, have I learned, changed, grown so much! I am not the same person I was even a month ago let alone a few years ago!

Moving to this small community has been very beneficial in this journey of refining, self discovery, personal development. It has also given me time to rid myself of more possessions & concentrate on becoming more lean, stronger, more physically fit. As my body turns back into the healthy, strong, fit body I had at 19, my mind is way ahead in its' thought process, in maturation.

In earlier blog entries, I spoke of my horribly abusive childhood. Abusing a child causes a delay in their maturity. While individuals with lesser abuse mature sooner, those with a greater degree of abuse have to catch up. Some only catch up slightly. Prisons, psychiatric institutions as well as psychiatric counselors offices are filled to overflowing with those who are trying to catch up as well as those who never did.

This does not excuse my actions nor anyone else, however, it does provide some explanation. Each individual child is born with their own unique set of challenges. It's a parents job to identify those challenges and to help each individual child to magnify their own strengths while also conquering their own individual set of challenges.

Many people who did not have parents who nurtured the child enough, were too caught up in their own weaknesses and did not have their strengths magnified, cause the social problems that are so evident in today's world. As a young mother, I sought out a full year of intense counseling to help me to be a better mother.

It was time consuming, deeply painful, ultimately rewarding.

Breaking the cycle of extreme abuse that had been on both sides of my original family for many generations.

I broke the cycle.

Now, my children will speak of all the things I did wrong, yet, of the things I did right? Not so much. My kiddos also have the mind poisoning of their fathers narcissistic thinking. His attitude toward me seeps into their attitude toward me without them realizing it. 

However, the proof of good parenting, while not perfect, is in the way all 4 of my kiddos have grown into successful, happy adults.

All 4 are making good contributions to the world while refraining from the pitfalls of a life of alcoholism, drug usage, crime, extreme obesity, institutionalized mental illness. All of which plagued the members of my original family. 

When I say original family, I refer to the family I was born into, not the family I created when I married. Although, the ex huzz has some pretty messed up family members, thankfully, my kiddos inherited the benevolent traits with a little detriment mixed in.

Dammit! I had so much to conquer! Yet, I have done it.

The latest battle I have won?

While this may seem small, it's very powerful.

Self talk. For many years, I heard the negative talk from my parents and the ex huzz echoing in my brain. Twisting and turning around and around.

From my parents:

You should hike up your skirts & make some money to help the family, that's all women are good for anyway. (dad)

I never loved you, I never even wanted you. (mom)

From the ex huzz:

You're all used up after 2 babies. (this was only after 2, it became worse after our 4th baby was born)

He, later shortened it, whenever I wasn't allowing him to control me: Hmph, yep, all used up.

You're so fat!

So lazy!

So ugly!

So stupid!

It's been almost 10 years and has taken me this long to recover, to find myself, to correct ALL of the self talk that were the painful words of others.

I made it!

Secondary victory?

Conquering obesity. During the time I was married, the constant fight against ex huzz controlling me, constant catering to the unhealthy food he liked, being too drained on all levels caused me to, yes, become very overweight just as my original family is.

Now? It's under control. Through hours upon hours of research, I have found what works. Everyone has unique chemistry, unique physiology. The task is for each person to find what works for them while still enjoying life.

Sounds simple, right? If it were so simple, there would be more people enjoying strong, lean bodies infused with health. 

Discovering what works for me in theory, then, putting it into action has been a challenge, yet, I have done it!

This brings me full circle to the Law of Attraction.

With positive, motivating self talk, daily grueling workouts, multiple changes to promote physical, emotional, psychological, spiritual health. Now, I see the joy, the strength to all these aspects that I'm attracting into my life.

Happier

Stronger

Balanced

Namaste  :)

Being a Girl 

What?

Yes!

I love being a girl. Definitely the opposite of a feminazi. Having had the negative experiences with males, I still appreciate them.

Also, I enjoy watching the lions at the zoo or in videos without wanting to take one of those home for my own, either.

Enjoying being a girl is more about loving the soft, sweetness in life. Silky nighties, French parfum, lavender or cinnamon scented candles. Long, slow saxophone and clarinet solo music! Love to play soft jazz music while watching a candle flicker, casting a dancing shadow on the wall. 

Maybe sipping cold lemon water? All senses stimulated! :)

Another side to the enjoyment of being a girl is testing the limits of my body's will, endurance & strength. People told me I couldn't get my body to look as it did before bringing my first sweet baby into the world.

Those people were wrong.

With every grueling, sweaty, painful workout, I see the effect. The way clothes fit, the feel of muscle movement under my clothes brushing against fabric. 

It makes sense to me, now, why bodybuilders or even people who work out a lot & are very muscular, toned, fit have such huge egos.

Being humble is better. Not cocky, simply confident.

With improving lean, toned, fitness, it brings to mind the memories of how my body felt when I lived in Hawai'i as a single girl serving in the USAF. That feeling is back. It feels so empowering, energizing......so.........tight!

Another aspect to being a girl.

This morning, my workout was excellent. An hour of cardio on the elliptical then 45 minutes of strength training.

Forget milk! Extreme cardio does a body good!

You don't have to be a girl. 

Attack your workout, feel like a man!!! 

To give or receive

Which is more comfortable for vous? To give? To receive?

Most people are more comfortable giving than they are receiving, just in my experience. Usually, I'm the giver, it's safer for me, that way.
Why is that?
Well, trusting others has rarely ended up well for me. People in this world have proven to me over and over that trusting others is a mistake. My parents couldn't be trusted, my siblings have betrayed me. Even my own children have turned on me, betrayed me in ways I never could have imagined.

The males in this world have shown me further, that males ESPECIALLY cannot be trusted.

Whatever trust I had in people, just starting out, was crushed by my experiences while serving in the USAF. Every female was jealous of me and stabbed me in the back, every guy was just out to get in my pants. When I turned the dogs away, they only spread horrible rumors about me, of course people believed them. The bad stuff seems to be more often believed than the good information.

Now? I'm a loner. It's safer this way, better, this way. Alone 90% of the time. By choice. 

Very painful, yet, being alone is better than betrayal, over and over.

Married males, single males, religious males, older, younger, all races & ethnicity, all have proved to me that males can't be trusted. Not with my heart, money, mind or body. Nothing is safe.
It would have only taken ONE decent male treating me with respect, instead of the lies, deceit, emotional pain, yet, there were none. It ended up with me hating myself for caring about them.

So, that's my story and why I would rather help others than accept anything from anyone, there are always strings attached. Sooner or later, the strings reveal themselves and I'm screwed - again.

By nature, I'm a giver, a helper, a nurturer, so, these trust issues are especially hard for me. My heart is still so tender that it wants to believe in the good in the world. Wants to believe that there are people worthy of trust, yet, my mind silences my heart in self protection mode.

Have I ever betrayed others? I'm sure I have. Yet, if I did, it was in dealing pain out to someone who dealt so much pain & suffering to me that I was overflowing it onto them for all they gave to me.
Seems fair, right?
No, not really, yet it did feel good to get angry,then, get even.

It's not right, yet, it's what I did. I live with it. Better than feeling like a perpetual victim.

Giving is more gratifying, more emotionally safe. I know that I can definitely be trusted while I'm pretty sure most people will stab me in the back if I let my guard down.

As one who has been involved with the military most of my life, I have a soft spot for Military Veterans as well as active duty military people.
When I moved to this small town, I was surprised at how many Military Veterans as well as Military Reserve & National Guard people there are. Well.......it IS Texas after all! I have found that the people in this town have a love and a respect for the military that I didn't find anywhere else I have lived. Having moved around a lot, the respect for the military was not so strong as it is here. I can only speak for this part of Texas where I currently reside. Maybe the rest of Texas is like this, too? Honestly, I can't say as I do not know.

The first Military Veteran I met, in this town, who was suffering so much really spurred me into action. I wanted to help him. Seeing his suffering, caused some sleepless nights for me. Laying in bed, unable to sleep, trying....trying....trying to think of a way to help him. I knew about the VA Representative, yet, I didn't think to go to the Rep for myself. The next time I went to the VA Representative, I snagged several of his business cards. 

When I met a Vet who was suffering ~ the hounding began!

My heart wanted to help them, to end their suffering. Who am I? What power do I have to help these people? 
The answer is ~ none, really ~ I wouldn't accept that from myself.  
The need to do something or at least try my very hardest to do something to help, burned within me. Laying awake through the night, thinking about it no matter what I was doing. Working out at the gym, showering, watching a movie, taking a walk around the lake. The wheels in my brain would be turning.

How can I help this person?
When was the last time I checked up on them?
How is this person doing?
Does this person have food to eat?
Is this person depressed or cold or sad?

Then, I would go find them or sometimes see them while out running errands around town, it's a small town. I would ask them how their VA case is going. Ask them what they were doing to move the process further along. Ask them if they needed help to fill out their forms. A stamp and/or envelope to mail the forms in? Could I drop it off at the post office for them?

Today, when sitting & visiting with one of the Military Veterans I was hounding for 6 months, I found that the case had been processed. It was a success, the help was being given.

My case is still pending. Yet, having learned that I have helped *FOUR* fellow Military Veterans to receive the help they needed. To put some healing balm on the mental, emotional and physical wounds they suffered, while serving their country. THIS is gratification to me. This is the big pay off to months of hounding, the anguish of the sleepless nights, this time & effort spent, the worry for the suffering of these fellow humans. It is a wonderful reward. 

My case is still pending, as I have already said. Whether mine is solved or not, it feels like I have received so much more than monetary reward can ever give me.
Of course, monetary reward is nice, yet, in my heart, I know that I have helped to ease the suffering of 4 others.
Hopefully, this will have a ripple effect, even if it's in small ways, that I was able to make the world a better place for having lived in it, to have done what is right, what is good.
Very minimal risk to myself, yet, a greater good beyond whatever my life is.

This has made me feel, although I would rather be a suicide statistic, I must still be here for a reason.

I'm still here.

I'm still here.

The answer 

From previous blog.

What was your guess ?

Ha ha.

F

As in "F"

None of the above!

If you're still reading, you get an "A", love!

Hey, now, I'm feeling good , feeling generous! In this heart & mind that is me, everyone starts 

out with an A+ until they show that they are sub par in the trustworthy department.

So, I'm sitting here with a beautiful mix of fresh baby spinach, *snipped fresh basil*, chopped tomato, avocado, red bell pepper, a grilled salmon fillet. The yummy touch? Raspberry vinaigrette!

Yes, love, today is a good day!

Peace 

Effort is Sexy!


Oh yeahhh!

Do you agree?

So is motivation.

Motivation comes easily to me. Am not sure why or how, yet, I have always been able to reach inside myself to get myself motivated. Get myself moving to accomplish whatever.
That includes getting up in the morning, straight into gym threads, go through morning routine (that shall remain unknown ha ha!) then.....whoosh! Out the door to the gym.

Boom.

Motivation also comes easily to me to start house cleaning, car cleaning, yard work, umm, once I push the mental "start" button in my brain. It's almost a palpable click when it starts to happen.

Effort???

O yeahh!

Definitely acing the effort factor!

Putting total, unbridled, maximum effort into whatever it is. Being a rather passionate girl, attacking a goal with passion comes naturally. It begins as shifting gears, then, it turns to slight focus, then.......the magic happens! Laser focused, passionate effort. I'm there, I'm driving myself like a crazy Italian driving a Maserati racer!

Of course, there are times when the mojo slips a little, rare times, still happens.

Dammit Jim! I'm human! Ha ha!

At those times, which usually happen during cold weather, I kick myself back into gear with:

A. Heroin
B. Sex
C. Whiskey
D. Head bangin' music
E. All of the above
F. None of the above

What do you think?

Ha ha.....have a great day!

After midnight ...

It's  00:35.

I'm awake. The dishwasher is humming as it cleans the dinner dishes. I bbq'd some excellent ribeyes  brought over by my guest de noir. Cooking for others is a joy. So, for dinner ~ Steak, fresh spinach salad, grilled sweet potatoes , home made wheat bread. No dessert. 

It was a fun evening, good company, good food, laughter, interesting conversation. Sharing my views of  Marilyn Monroe, her life, her joy, while hearing my guests input, ideas, point of view.

Hearing a fresh perspective on an often visited subject is stimulating, you know, intellectually.

With so much stimulation, the brain keeps ticking long after the evening of company has ended.

Tick

Tick

Tick

Turn the warming mattress pad & electric blanket on. Perhaps the warmth will wrap around my body as a caressing, soothing physical lullaby, transporting my psyche to blissful sleep.

Bon noir. A demain.

It's Here!

Ready....or not.

MARCO!

MARCO!

MARCO?????

What? 

No......POLO???

Not ready, hmm?

No worries, darlings, whether you're ready for the holiday season, or not, it's here. Whether 

you're prepped, or not.

Like death, like love, like rain, like......you get it, okay. OKAY!

Since 2007 the holidays have ceased to exist for me. You would think that after being a doting 

mother to 4 kiddos who are now adults, they would want to share some quality time, if only at Christmas time. If I hear from the 3 oldest at all, it's a brief phone call to tell me what a great Christmas they're having or every 2 - 3 years ....a card. Yippee Skippy.
Their father taught them that I had no value in the disrespectful way her treated me. Now, they treat me as if I have no value.  
Precious Sunday phone conversations with my youngest are the extent of a return of joy for all the time I invested in them. I cherish those Sunday conversations. My youngest DOES bring me smiles, DOES bring me joy. 

Last year, I took a trip to Las Vegas from December 24 - 29.

In spite of the person I went there with being overly religious, lacking in energy, had multiple emotional melt downs. GAWD! Drama is so annoying. Drama in Las Vegas is just silly!

Going to Vegas for the holiday ~ I was determined to have a great time! Indeed I did! I bought my first backless dress ~ ever! Had my 5" sparkling heels! Went to the Chippendale's Show. Walked around the strip, enjoying the sights, the different exotic drinks, tasty foods. Yumm!

This year will be low key.

Nope. I still have no desire to date at all, so, no romance. It's a choice.

So, the holidays are here! I'm taking the large container that I keep Christmas decorations in, out of the closet. I'm putting the German electric candles in the front window. 

Having a smart TV, I have Christmas music playing on I Heart Radio. The TV has a great speaker system!

I did splurge a little. A guy who was in town on business saw me at the gym, asked me out. He chatted me up, telling me about a new fitness supplement that's better than  Redline.  Better than Redline? Hmm. Wouldn't tell me the name of it. Teased me with, ~

"I'll tell you if you have dinner with me"

UGH!

So after 2 days of his teasing, I had dinner with him.

Just to, you, know, get the name of this fantastic supplement!

Excited to try it!

So, darlings, play some Christmas music, feel the joy, feel the nostalgia. Feel the LOVE!

Stay tuned.

Laters, baby!  :)