StairMaster and me

We've been together for almost a year now, StairMaster, StairMaster and me!!
This morning, shit got real! A whopping all time best of 93 floors in 25 minutes!
Can you say boo-tay burn?
The StairMaster is also doing great things for my lower back. The Yoga Burn & Firm workout with Barron Carr trimmed my upper back, shoulders & abs. The StairMaster is curing my addiction to the elliptical......maybe! I still love the rhythm of the elliptical, it's a very sensual, sexual rhythm. 

Don't go dirty on me, now! ha ha

For a girl, such as myself who has been celibate since 2012, it's a poor substitute, yet, better than nothing to give me an outlet for sexual energy. Makes me less of a target for predatory males. I believe that males can sense the high sexual energy in a female. They are naturally drawn in like a wolf to a screaming, bleeding fluffy little bunny. It doesn't make them bad. It makes them human. I actually love male nature, male instincts. Wonderful men. *sigh*
No reverse misogyny, here!

Some of the side effects of the StairMaster are that I feel my back twitching for the rest of the day after hitting it as hard as I did, today. It twitches & pulses from the tops of my shoulders, downward to my hips. It's my body, saying thank you! ha ha!

Another effect is that the line on the fronts of my legs from the ankles (which are getting smaller (woo hoo) up to my knees is becoming deeper, more pronounced.
Amazing thing, the human body!

I am 1/2 Native American, 1/2 English-Irish-Scottish-German. As much as I WISH I could be that lithe, tiny, slender nymph. I am who I am. My genetics are as they are. My figure is more full. Someone once told me that if I had my butt & breasts, removed, I'd lose 50 lbs right there.

Umm NOPE!

So, as I become more lean, stronger, I see that I'm just fine, just the way I am.
Funny or maybe sad, I still feel so unattractive. Like Mahana in the story of Johnny Lingo. No one ever truly loved her, so, she felt ugly. Not her father or her other family members or her neighbors.
Maybe I have the "Mahana Syndrome" if there is such a thing.

Oh, I know I'm intelligent, creative, compassionate, kind hearted, empathetic, very funny, intuitive and confident! I think these qualities intimidate the hell out of guys, maybe, ha ha. Yet, I still feel as if there are so many physical areas needing improvement.

So, I work on it, work out like a demon! A sweaty, burning beastie!

Love to cook! Had my own catering service at one time. My recipes are legendary! This morning, I'm making what I call Taco Ranch salad. Taking it to work with me. Just enough for one.
When I catered a wedding reception in Aspen, CO, I served this salad, a new recipe, and the people went WILD over it!
Needless to say, I think outside the salad bowl ;)
Something that stands out to me, though is that, at this wedding reception, the bride was 52, the groom was 32! They were so happy, it made me happy to see them together. I created my Taco Ranch Salad just for them, serving it for the first time to 350 guinea pigs.
It was a smash hit!
Sorry, no recipe to follow.

Today, I'm working at the Insurance Office, all day. It's a wonderful environment. No uniform, business casual. Beautiful surroundings, low pressure. Learning the Insurance Business.

Today, I feel so happy! Tomorrow is a triple pay day! YESSS!
It's more than that, though.
It's the good nights sleep, the great workout this morning, the making a salad which I have not made in many years to take to work which is so delish & just for me, not sharing. *smile*


Happiness is good, so, go, be happy, it's my wish for you, today!

An Easy Day

Having a slower pace is what I need once in awhile. Working 3 jobs keeps things moving at a quicker pace. 
Today, only working at the Vision Center for 5 hours freed up the day to focus on fitness. Working 3 jobs with 3 distinct streams of income feels good. It keeps me busy, out of the house. Out there making as much money as I can for as long as I can.

Sleeping in is a rare pleasure for me, these days. Today, I slept in until 0700 then, off to the gym. Started out on the elliptical, 1 hour at a steady level 10 resistance, went 7.5 miles, it was exhilarating!

Back to the main exercise room for a 30 minute strength training class. Love it! Gets me feeling stronger every day! Next, a 1 hour Pilate's class, it focuses on abs, core, balance. The plank pose at the end has been doing great things for me. The class suggests to hold plank 45 seconds. Wimpy! Ha ha! I hold it for 2 minutes, it gives great results!

The StairMaster used to intimidate me until now, it's great for my glutes & legs! 20 minutes is the max time, so, okay, 20 minutes, at a level 10 speed, conquering 78 floors. YESSSS!!!

Came home for a shower. Sometimes I shower at the gym, would rather do it at home.

Today, a series of romantic songs randomly played on my Mp3 player. Not A Bad Thing - Justin Timberlake, We're Going Home - Drake, Let Me Be Your Hero - Enrique Iglesias. Ten Feet Tall - Stephen Wrabel.
These songs put me in a romantic mood. Then, starting my car to drive home, Love Me Like You Do - Ellie Goulding. on the radio.
So, it got me thinking of how much I love romance.

I used to wish for a wonderful strong man to come into my life, a single white guy, who had his life together. A man who would work out with me so as to encourage me in my quest for a higher fitness level. The chemistry, the romance, the passion would be there. However, he would respect my desire to refrain from unmarried sex or even heavy petting. He would respect me enough to refrain from even tempting me to engage is such physical contact..
Respect
Romance
Passion
Connection!
Love of fitness
Yup

For now, I will obtain my romance from the many romantic movies online. Passion from long workouts. Satisfaction from being productive at work.

It's a really, really good day! *smile*

I Love...

There are many things, places, people, animals, etc. that have seasoned my life like sprinkles on a cupcake, like leaves on a tree, like beautiful mysterious stars in a dark night sky. I love them, all of them. They pepper a life with the richness of living!

Coming to mind, this early, beautiful, rain soaked Texas morning are the men in my life. With a memory as vivid as mine, though some events have blotted them out, the impressions on me, heart & mind, remain.
Love the sound of a mans voice. His scent, his smile, his twinkling eyes when delighted. The stormy reflection on his face when pensive.
Men are fascinating to me.
Maybe they fascinate me so much, since they are polar opposites of my deeply feminine nature.
I admire a mans muscular structure, the way they can grow hair on their faces, their upper body strength, the walk of confidence which so many display, just love, love love it!

When I went to Colorado over the Easter holiday, the friend I was staying with has been seeing a guy for awhile. He invited us to his home for Easter dinner. This man can cook!!!!
Now, I am not a "strictly salad girl" although, I do juice 4 days per week as well as eating very healthy, natural foods.
So, he made a salad using spinach, arugula, iceberg lettuce, fresh basil leaves.

OMGoodness!

That salad sent my taste buds into orbit! ha ha! It was such a wonderful flavor. This experience caused me to begin experimenting with herbs in a different way.
I love herbs!
Not necessarily the 420, although, I might consider growing some to incorporate into a salad soon.
Basil = Taste bud delight
Cilantro = Gives me deja vu!
Dill = Reminds me of my Grandmother, Elsie Kendall
Oregano = Makes me feel slightly nostalgic
Curry Powder (I know it's a spice, not herb) = Feels like energy
Parsley = Just tastes good & clean in my mouth
420 = Never mind, ha ha!
I love herbs! Spices, too

Dogs are great animals! When obedience trained. If not trained, they are as annoying as a spoiled child. Lately, I have been dreaming about my dog, Sammy. Have been dreaming about him a lot! He was probably barely 6 weeks old when I picked him up from the sellers. They said he was 8 weeks, there is no way he was 8 weeks old. I had to bottle feed him for almost 3 weeks before he could eat puppy food.
Sammy was a black and tan Doberman Pinscher. He was a big boy from the start. when he was fully grown, his back came up to my hips, he was 125 lbs! Yupp, ha ha! A biiiggg boy!
He was very sweet, very smart, very loyal. He would escape from the house just so he could lay in the grass on the front lawn to greet my 4 kiddos when they came home from school. He looked scary due to the stigma attached to his breed as well as his massive size.
Sammy was a gentle giant. The strong, silent type. He was definitely my dog. He would lay at my feet as I did needlework, sitting on the sofa or when the fam-bam sat down to dinner. He didn't beg for food or try to snitch some. He simply wanted to be near me as much as possible. I trained him starting as a puppy, to walk at my side, heel, sit, come to me when called. I didn't need a leash for him, yet, had to use it as the laws dictated.
He would look at squirrels, birds, other dogs, yet never left my side on many walks we had.
Sammy was one in a trillion, he was THAT wonderful as a dog.
Have been considering looking for a Doberman puppy to raise & train, to keep as a pet, a protector, companion. Yet, it would be difficult to find a dog of the high caliber in personality as Sammy was. That is most likely why I still dream about him to this day.

What do you love?
Who do you love?
What is your passion?
Whoever or whatever, follow your passion, your dreams.

Go for it!

WARNING

Yupp. Ha Ha!

Recently, my daughter came back from serving as a missionary for 18 months. I love this girl with all of my being. She's wonderful. I took 7 days of unpaid time off to be there when she de-planed in Colorado Springs, Colorado. It was, for the most part, worth it.

During the time she and I spent together, I noticed a few things about her. The one that stands out in my mind, sadly, is that she is still too much like her father for my peace of mind, my well being.

I divorced her father after a long marriage. I stayed too long, hoping he would grow, mature, evolve, to this day, he never has. He simply found another woman to feed into his narcissistic ways that he is just fine, it's everyone else who is all screwed up.

Sometimes I kick myself for being so blind, so stupid for having chosen so poorly, a male to be the father of my children.

Coulda Shoulda Woulda. ARGH!

Then, pat myself on the back for having the strength, the wisdom, the will to get out before the sickness of the marriage destroyed me completely.

Maybe, I went to Colorado, went to her to possibly circumvent her desire to come to Texas. Maybe. Something inside me knew instinctively that she would disapprove of my life, here, in Texas. Partly because I am a very different person, now. I was never the person her father forced, manipulated into being. Most likely, will be this person I am, now, for the rest of my  life.

Something that her father did that killed my love for him was his constant criticism of everything I was, everything I said, everything I did. 

He was, I know in hindsight, NOW, narcissistic, deeply insecure, mean, judgmental, cold hearted. When I would become so happy about anything, he would pick my happiness apart. He would begin by telling me that whatever that was making me giggle was nothing spectacular, that I was stupid to be so easily pleased.
Especially if the object of my happiness did not involve him. Everything had to involve him in some way or, according to him, it was useless, had no value.

Counselors have told me that I am a highly intelligent person, far above average. Counselors had also told me, when I was married to Mr. X, after having a few sessions with him, that he felt very threatened by a girl too smart for him.
He slung bullshit at me constantly, I called him out most of the time. It always caused an argument where he would give me the silent treatment for days, sometimes weeks at a time.
Of course, it all depended upon how quickly his right hand got tired for him to stop being angry with me.
Yeah 
You know what I mean!

So, when my daughter was visiting me, I noticed a version of this same behavior.
Telling me that I didn't know what I was talking about on 9 different occasions over the course of 4 days.
Then, when she didn't like it that I proved to her that I really DO know what I was talking about, retreating into the room she was staying in, giving me the silent treatment.

AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's kinda sad.

Learned behavior is a difficult way of being to overcome.

Fathers teach their children how to treat their mother by the way he treats her.

If he disrespects her by cheating on her, lying to her, causing her distress, his sons will learn to be disloyal, lying, cheating males.
His daughters will accept a lying, cheating man as normal.

However, if he treats his wife with respect, being faithful to her, doing all that he can to be a good husband, it will cause his children to be happier, better adjusted adults.

It has taken me a lifetime of therapy, study, self examination to become a better, happier, more well adjusted adult. Just think, what I could have done with my life if I'd had better parenting, a more healthy husband, more nurturing mentors.

Have to start from where one is, keep building.

Have a beautiful, wonderful day!  

Our Girl

Have been watching this BBC series on You Tube. Quite good, must say, it's lovely.

Captain James read a poem at the funeral for "Smurf". Want to share it with you. A soldiers poem, beautiful, poignant.

Every morning when I wake, Dear Lord, a little prayer I make, O please do keep Thy lovely eye On all poor creatures born to die And every evening at sun-down I ask a blessing on the town, For whether we last the night or no I’m sure is always touch-and-go. We are not wholly bad or good Who live our lives under Milk Wood, And Thou, I know, wilt be the first To see our best side, not our worst. O let us see another day! Bless us all this night, I pray, And to the sun we all will bow And say, good-bye – but just for now!

Have you been hurt?

Emotionally? Physically? Spiritually? Psychologically?

If you have never been hurt, that means you're not fully living. Everyone who fully lives, takes on an uncertain amount of risk with elements of their being. It hurts, it suxx donkey balls (no offence to donkeys, adorable critters!).

Being a sensitive, intuitive girl, emotional pain is something I know all too well.

Speaking of it can be cleansing, speaking of it too much can cause that "stuck in a rut" feeling.
Do you know why?
Speaking of your pain, telling the same sad story over, then over again, is like digging in the dirt. Telling of the pain over and over causes a slow aging of the mind, of the body. Digging ones own grave a teaspoon at a time. 

I have done this, we all do it! It's human to do so. Over time, I have been trying to do it less. Maybe this is the key to unlock the door which leads to a happier, lighter, brighter mindset. Maybe! Just maybe it does. Sounds good to me. DUDE!

What I propose, here, is to tell a different story. Tell of how someone loved you. Concentrate on how it felt to have something truly wonderfully unexpected happen. Remember what it feels like to fall in love.
My Aunt May says, "People don't fall in love, they fall in horse shit, most don't know the difference!" So funny!
I happen to love horses!

A few of my happy memories include, yet, are not limited to:

My Grandfather, Sherman Kendall, dressing me in a soft pink ruffled dress at 6 yrs old.  He would then, french braid my to the waist, long, strawberry blond hair with his large calloused hands in preparation for taking me out to the local ice cream shop for a parfait. He would be humming "Take me Out To The Ball Game" or "You Are My Sunshine." He had very large hands, calloused from working his magic with wood. Turning aged chairs, tables & bed frames into beautiful works of art with his restoration of them.
Having raised 5 daughters, he knew how to tame my baby fine, wild hair into a coif that was infinitely more presentable.

Horses have always fascinated me. There was a family who had bought some of the land that my father owned right behind my parents home. They had horses, yet, not enough time to ride them.I was 10 years old at the time. Was a country girl, extremely shy around people. Felt more safe with horses. This family let me ride the horse that belonged to the lady of the house who worked in real estate, was always working.
Buttermilk was a spirited palomino gelding. He didn't like to walk or trot. he loved to canter. When I relaxed the reins, he would do an all out gallop, then a RUN! He was such a wonderful horse! For 3 summers the familys' daughter, Diana and I rode together around her parents' acreage. Then, her parents divorced, she moved away with her mother, the acreage, the house were sold. And the horses. Yet, the summers spent, cantering with Buttermilk, my heart racing, my hair flying in the wind, live in my memory.

The house that I live in is the newest, most beautiful home I have ever lived in. On my lunch break from teaching as a sub teacher, I remember seeing the "For Rent" sign that the owner was putting up. My heart rate quickened as I wrote the number down, then called for an appointment to see it. The outside looked so nice, it seemed that the inside might be just as beautiful! 
I was so excited to see the house at 4 pm. The house was more beautiful than I had though it would be. It had been gutted, then totally remodeled. Granite counter tops, Italian tile in the large bathroom. Wood flooring throughout. By 5 pm, he had my deposit, I had the key! Moving my possessions to this beautiful house was something of a mystery to me, yet, I felt that it would happen, one way or another. The OSB Singles are a great group. They volunteered to move me! 
Laying in my bed, that night, in this beautiful house, looking around, it felt as if I was dreaming, so happy! A sweet feeling of contentment lulled me to sleep.

****************************************************************************

Tell your own happy stories to yourself inside your head. Talk to yourself as if you were speaking with someone you love. Positive self talk is so very POWERFUL! Filled with POWER to create your greatest happiness. Your most wonderful life.

Happiness.

Get some!

GO!

Funny

Life can be really funny at times. As one who is very fun loving, a lover of laughter, a prankster at times. Yup, a slight mischievous streak. Harmless, fun, funny, it keeps life interesting.

Try it, if you don't already.

When I first arrived in Texas, I was working as a substitute teacher in the Jr High & Senior High Schools. The students loved me, I loved them, too. They saw, immediately that I am very atypical from the other people who are my peers.
I gave a few YOLOs, high fives when they entered the classroom, then when they left. They were surprised that I knew who the music artists they listened to were, even listened to a few, myself. My music taste is very diverse. Every artist from Bach & Mozart to Drake, Ariana Grande as well as George Strait, Taylor Swift, Brad Paisley. Can't stomach Christian music or Gospel, even some of that is okay, yet,just okay. The students thought it was cool that I would bring chocolate, beef jerky and Cheez It crackers just for them.

Am generous, kind, loving at heart. The students are so respectful. Just starting out in life. Their openness was refreshing, endearing. Their open admiration of my life experience was good for me. Feeling so vulnerable, unattractive, they made me feel respected, cared about, gave me hope that there are still people who care about others. As I care so much about others, they warmed my heart.

When I subbed for one teacher for a full week, one student, Dylan, proposed that we go get the football coach's mascot, a tall post with a horse-head on it, then, hide it! I was game.The mascot's name was "Carlos", or so Dylan claimed.
It was really heavy,about 80 lbs, yet, because I work out, I also lift, it was no problem.
Again, the students were a bit amazed to see my bicep bulge as I picked the mascot up with no problem.
When I went to the local grocery store that employs the students in town, one evening, last week, Dylan was working there.
Oh my! He has become so tall, I barely recognized him!

He asked me if I remembered hiding the mascot. Of course I did! He told me that it was the most fun he had ever had at school.
We talked & laughed, he had to get back to work.

Yup, ha ha, fun times!

Untitled

Does it have to have a title? A heading? A sub heading. Nope. ha ha. In my BLOG, I can make the rules up as I go.

Seems to be a theme in my life.

The rules are that there are very few hard & fast rules. Those rules change continually as I grow, evolve.

Maybe the best rule is that there are no permanent rules, only temp rules which can be modified & changed as needed. The only rule that I have learned to keep as permanent is to love myself first before any others. 

*****************************************

Write a promise on your heart

To be true to who you were born to be

Love deeply with kindness 

Toward who you were from the start

Love others with compassion every day

Yet know when to hold back in giving

Fill your own well with the water of joy

That your strength and peace will stay

****************************************

Yup, ha ha, I do tend to wax poetic at times. 

So, tonight, at my evening work out, a guy I was casually seeing for awhile, someone who helped me tremendously, was at the gym. GAWD. He is so hot, I can't give him what he needs, so, we parted as friends.

He goes by "Trick". He hates his given name & I cannot blame him. If I were a guy, I would hate it, too! Such a girlie name. I will never understand how any self respecting man would allow his wife to give his son such a disgustingly feminine name.

It escapes me as to how any woman could do that to a baby boy. Seems like man -hate, to me.

Anyway, his name is, UGH ~ Tristen! Sounds like Kristen, Krissy, Kristina. YUCK! Such a masculine guy, I would legally change it if it was me.

He is a really good guy. Has taught me a lot about life. For instance, when I was kinda vulnerable, he had his high school buddy, who he could trust, move in as my room-dawg. Have had male roomies before, no big deal. Actually like a porcelain salute! ha ha!

Trick is a very jealous man, he trusted his buddy implicitly.

One night,on FB, I noticed a guy who kept appearing as someone I might know. Had no clue who he was. Thought maybe he was put in my path for a reason. So, we started messaging. Seemed harmless enough. My roommate told Trick about it. He wasn't happy with it, yet, told me, don't receive pictures from him and definitely don't send any and he would be cool with it.

Well, as much as I tried to discourage him, he sent a pic anyway. Trick hit the roof! GAWD. So, he wanted to see the guys pic.UGH!!! 

DRAMA is no bueno!

Turns out, he knew the guy, hated him, actually. That, although I didn't remember him, he was responsible for fucking me up when his wife or and GFs attacked me. I didn't remember him at all, yet, knowing Tricks concern for me, I knew he only had my best interest at heart. I tried to tell Trick that there was no way I would ever meet the guy in person, that he was married, etc etc. Trick said he knew the guy was scum, that he could never keep his dick in his pants, a legend in his own mind.

So, Trick told me to test the dudes character. He told me to do something nice for the guy, then see if he even sends a message to say "Thank you" within 2 weeks. If he does, then, maybe he is a better guy than Trick thinks of him. If the dude doesn't even say "Thank you", then it shows his colors as a narcissistic creep. 

Ya know, I really wanted to believe the guy was decent, yet, he never said "Thank you", not within 2 weeks, not even within 2 months. Believing in the good in people, I wanted to believe. 

It never happened.

*heavy sigh*

Trick taught me many more life lessons. Tonight, when I saw him, again, a little bit of longing surfaced in me. Just a little. He is too jealous, too possessive for my free spirit & independent nature. Yet, still, he is a good man!

We enjoyed a workout, together, he always challenges me, in every way, I like that. Although we were both drenched in sweat, he gave me one of his wonderful, anaconda tight hugs. He wrapped his arms around me so tight then started this very subtle sway that gets me every time.! I love the T-scent of man sweat!

Appt with the V.A. rep tomorrow, possible $$$$ in reparations, coming my way. 

Go getcho money,money, money, yo money, money, money! Shawty, go handle yo biz! Ha! Ha!

I'll sleep well, tonight!

S.W.A.G. !!!

Yup

SWAG! ~ To me? This means

She Wants A Gentleman

What is a gentleman? Can only speak for the definition I endorse.

Personally, my preferences run toward a more masculine man. He's all guy, confident, still kind to others, honest about his feelings, truthful in facts he discloses about his marital status, his intentions toward others. Since I am a single girl, it's especially important that he treats women with respect, honesty, truthfulness. 

It's especially important, to me, that he is the type of good man who will be faithful to his wife, his girlfriend, basically, the relationship in his life. Cheaters are the worst variety of abusers among males.

They abuse a woman's heart, doing such damage, she may never completely recover.

"One definition of a COWARD is a male who awakens feelings of love in a woman knowing he is not free or not willing to let himself love her in return." ~ Unknown

A gentleman (personal definition)

Kind to animals

Faithful to his girl

Confident

Takes care of himself ,mind, body, spirit

He's  accomplished much, yet, stays humble

Takes care of his children no matter what his relationship is with their mother

Works hard, plays hard, knows when to let loose, when to rein it in

He can rock a business suit as good as he can a military uniform or T-shirt & jeans (for me?ESPECIALLY a military uniform! :)

Profanity is just a presence in life, he can still express himself, verbally without dropping F-bombs, any other bombs, lol!

Now, many people may say that his type of man doesn't exist. Au contraire! He does!

I have met several, in fact, just met such a man just yesterday, that's April 19, 2015.

In my dreams!

Naw.

Just playin' !

I met him yesterday. There was a meeting at work. It ended at around 8 pm. I was really exhausted, I felt like hell, looked, worse, am sure of it. All I wanted to do is go home, take a hot shower, go to bed! Then, got a message on FB from a cool girl I work with, that I had left my cell phone at the meeting. UGH!

It was not far away, yet, I had to go back to get it. When I am extremely tired, I do tend to lose things. Sue me.

I went back, got the phone, drove home, thanked my co-worker, then, I noticed something strange. My street is very quiet in this small town where everyone knows everyone. An F-250 silver truck kept driving past my house back & forth on my street.

As a single woman, living alone, am quite private, i don't allow people to visit inside my home. It causes alarm to me when someone who I don't know comes to my door. Or even when anyone does if they have not called or texted me beforehand.

Am also a single woman, living alone who keeps a charged taser at all times. :)

I stepped out onto the front porch to see what the driver of this silver truck might be doing.

Within a couple minutes, he pulled into my driveway! I stepped inside, grabbed the taser, held it behind my back.

he came walking up to me telling me he was sorry to bother me, that he had driven up to Graham for a business meeting the next day & he was a little lost.

I used to just believe people right off the bat. I'm an honest person, I used to think that others could be believed just as I can.

have remained honest, truthful, yet the many lies told to me by both males & females have caused me to be less trusting.

When he stepped into the light of my porch at 9:30 pm, I could see that he was quite clean cut, around 5'7", brown hair, blue eyes. Probably around 32 - 35....and smelled so clean. A really hot guy!

HEY!

The wind direction was conducive, I have a very sensitive nose!

He told me the place he was looking for. After telling him where it was, he stopped for a moment, looked at me, asked if I was a doctor. I was still wearing a lab coat from the meeting. I told him what I do for work, asked him if he needed a doc.

He grinned, shook his head to say "no".

He then asked if I wanted to get a cup of coffee with him, because he was not tired enough to sleep. 

My first question to him was,

"Are you married or otherwise attached?"

He grinned again.

"Ma'am, I'm a happily married, faithful husband & father, just not tired enough to sleep. A beautiful woman is much better company than a TV."

WOW!

I got in my car, had him follow me to the bed & breakfast he was staying in. He checked in, carried his luggage in, then followed me to a lit parking lot where the cops patrol regularly, I still kept my taser with me.

Had him follow me to a well lit parking lot that the cops patrol regularly. He came over to where I was parked next to him, opened the door to sit in the front passenger seat with the gear shift between us. Being seen with a guy in public would get people talking about me. I like to fly slightly below the radar.

We talked for a few hours.

I talk too much, am working on my listening skills. It was easy to sit back, listen to his voice. He told me about his life, including his wonderful wife, his 3 little boys, the business he is working so hard to build. Not sure why, it gave me some deja vu although he and I had never met before.

There was plenty of mutual attraction, no doubt, yet, he was a gentleman, it's to be respected.

Finally, at 1 am, I had to go home to sleep. It made me feel so happy to have met such an honorable man.

It gives me hope. NOT hope of finding a man to share my life with.

NOPE

That ship has sailed.

NO WORRIES

Hope that, amid all the pressure for guys to cave in on morals, responsibility, fidelity. There are still good, decent, real men of character, out there in the world.

S.W.A.G. for the other women out there who are searching for him.

Maybe it's the rain!

North Texas has gotten quite a bit of rain in the past few days. The windows of heaven have opened up to drop torrents of rain in this drought stricken area.

Do you love rain?

I love rain.

It reminds me of the words to a song.

I always look for rainbows

Whenever there is rain

Then ponder on the beauty

Of Earth made clean again

I want my life to be as clean

As Earth right after rain

To always be the best I can

Then live with him again

C'est tres jolie, n'est ce pas? For me, personally,it imparts a feeling of being clean, fresh, renewed, energized. Living a morally clean life is a gift I give myself. It feels as if I have re-gained the wonder, the innocence of a child. It feels like a fresh start, with exciting, good, prosperous events about to unfold.

I'm ready.

Here's wishing the same love, peace, prosperity & contentment to all who read this.

Malama na Koa!

Aloha!

Why is it so hard for others to understand?

Why?

The subject is mentioned frequently. Lately, it has seemed pointless to engage in the discussion. For this reason, the decision I have made is to keep my marital status off the discussion agenda. It's a position non gratis.

There was a period of time after my divorce in 2007 in which I wanted to find a wonderful man to share the rest of my life with. Maybe even get married, then help him finish raising his children or have a baby with him, or 2, if he wished.

The disappointment with the male population, erased that desire. 

Cheating married males, horn dog males who just wanted a warm wet hole with a pulse, weak & insecure males who were too flaky & indecisive. 

Then, the icing on the cake in 2012. UGH~!

Too much emotional pain, too much frustration & disappointment have killed my desire to be physically and/or emotionally touched by a male. (NOT turning to lezbetarianism either!ha ha!)

Less drama, no more pain, only peace, happiness, fulfillment through physical fitness, driving my career to bring the financial success I have worked so long to find!

Work outs bring so much satisfaction to me. Such feelings of accomplishment.

Such as, today! Working out in a strength training class, similar to the training Emily Blunt had to adhere to when getting in shape for the role as Rita Vrataski. I was just wearing a black sport bra & black yoga pants. At the end of the class, everyone holds plank for 45 seconds. I cheat a little. while they go into child's pose, I go into plank, then hold it for a full 3 minutes to the end of class. 

Have actually been doing this since October, 2014. 

It simply feels GOOD!

Today, after class ended, Lindsay, one of the girls who works out at the gym asked me if I had looked at my back in the mirror recently.

Looking in a mirror is something I try to avoid.

She told me that, having not seen me in 3 months, the difference was amazing! More muscle definition in my traps & delts, slimmer waist, etc.

So, I took a wee peek. WOW! She was right. I saw the proof of my progress! Working out hard core, every day is paying off.
Fitness is a HUGE focus in my every day life. When anyone or anything even starts to interfere with my daily workouts, that's it. They or it are history. Am THAT committed to my fitness goals.

The energy which would have been going into a dating relationship has been going into workouts. Workouts are waaaayy more rewarding, have greater, positive impact upon health, upon well being than having a male in my life has ever brought.

When female acquaintances ask me, "Don't you miss being touched? Don't you miss being held, being kissed?"

The answer is, YES! ABSOLUTELY!

However, I don't miss the d-bags who lied to me, the cheating scummy married males. Dating is no longer worth the deep, searing, devastating emotional pain that the a-holes dish out so heartlessly, then walk away like a woman's feelings are nothing more than a temporary play thing to amuse themselves with for a time.

No longer worth the risk. I would have loved to have had an amazing, wonderful man in my life, however, it didn't happen.

Have to be happy, no matter what. So, I have stopped telling others that I am very happily single by choice. Before, the gasps of, "How could you possibly be single???" were complimentary. 

Now?

It just annoys the crap-outta-me!

There are many many wonderful, good, single men out there, in the world, I know this. I have simply lost patience from dealing with "the other variety"

Whenever someone says,"OH! Someday your prince will come!"

I don't say this, yet I think, inside my head~

"Mm hmm, someday my prince will come. From his watching too much porn, it will most likely be, all over my face."

HAH!

Sometimes, when I hear that corny "Prince" crap, I think of the puppy I had for a short time, whose name was "Prince".

In my head, I'm thinking, "Yeah, I had my "Prince", he crapped all over the house, cried all night, chewed up an expensive pair of shoes, then puked on the front seat of my car on the way to drop him off to live with someone else!

Since getting over the "urge to merge" I have traveled more, gotten into my own passions, bought a few high quality BOBs, been infinitely more happy, career focused & driven. 

Doing volunteer work is so satisfying. It quenches my desire to exercise compassion & kindness toward others. 

Self respect, peaceful mind, peaceful heart, keeping order amid the sometimes chaotic world. Showing love & compassion to those in need are my basic character traits.

It feels normal, natural, stable, to be who I really am.

Git down witchyour bad thelf!

Poetry Time!

Restoration

There is a whispering in my heart

All that was ripped from  me in 2007

Will be restored not just in part

Fully endowed by the powers of heaven

Have faith to endure all that you must

Believe, my love, though there have been many trials

Hope, love, work hard, then trust

You have taken the small steps which make up miles

Progression is made up of sweat, work, much pain

It's difficult at times to have understanding

As the flowers grow healthy from so much rain

The joy happens from things that are demanding

Go forward in strength, kindness and learning

It will be so very worth it, my love

All will come to you to quench your yearning

With help from the powers from above

*************************************************************

Yes, I wrote this today, from my heart,to yours.

Namaste

Welcome to my Guest Room

             AKA

Southern Hospitality!

So........I should have done this a year ago. I have multiple excuses as to why I didn't do it, sooner.

~ I'm lazy

~ There wasn't any motivation

~ Too much work

~ Depression

~ The task was overwhelming

~ Wasn't sure where to begin

I could go on and on. Finally, motivation met energy plus enough money. Plus, ability to take a long stretch of time, sufficient to get the monumental task done!
Turning a cluttered room full of too much "stuff" into an inviting, comfortable place that feels like a home away from abode took a lot of work! 
Although I have gotten rid of more than half of what I had in Coldorado, then half again since moving to Texas, I still have way too many things. Living simple is best. 

Tomorrow, my guest will be here, then will leave, Sunday, at 1530 before my meeting for work. It will be a sweet time, a comfort to have someone, here, keeping me company.

For the guest room, I went with a gender neutral theme. Kinda beachy. Teal, tan, white, brown. A seagull fixture & bamboo arrangement. It looks like a couple of Bed & Breakfasts I have stayed in, in Hawai'i. beautiful, calm, refreshing, peaceful. I may alternate sleeping in that room after the guest leaves!

The refinished table, my guy friends helped me with is in there, too! It's beautiful! They did a great job!

Pictures? Maybe.

Photo, meh, so, yeah. 

I s'pose you could say I'm more a fan of real life. Real people, real connection.

Still, there may be photos. The guest room is so pretty, maybe, it will prove too much for this sense of accomplishment I feel that I will snap a few photos!

Time for me to rest.

Good night, sweetheart, where ever you are.

Ready For Take-Off!

Hang on!

Hello, again!
Those of you who have ever been through the painful end of a long term relationship may be able to relate to this blog post.
If not, sit back, read, learn. ;-)
When a LTR ends whether it was mutual or one sided, it's quite painful.
It was me who wanted it to end, I paid for it financially and sooo many other ways. It was devastating. Being emotionally, financially, socially and spiritually derailed was only the tip of the jagged, cold ice-berg of the pain.
Being totally alone for the first time in my life was anxiety on steroids. Yup, really, that painful!

It has been 8 long, difficult years since then. Have tried so many things to get life back on track. FINALLY!
It seems to be coming together. 
Physical Fitness has returned! 
Can finally sleep at night without sleep aid, well, not in pill form ~ ;-)
Working 3 jobs keeps me busy enough, it also gives more financial freedom. Not much more, yet, a little more. It dawned on me today, as I was finishing up at my second job. This is what motivates workaholics. Working a lot keeps the mind focused on work, no drama. Working a lot gives so much reward! The reward it gives beats the shit out of a drama filled relationship!

Now, there is a new possibility on the horizon that my dream job may come to me, soon. Not saying much more. However, it feels exciting to think about, dream about!

There should be some word about this within 3 weeks!

Better than any of this, things feel more normal, now. better than normal, actually. Am free to be who I really am, who I was born to be, to progress to be better with time.
In time, even grass becomes milk. Hopefully the future will be more creamy smooth.

Laters, baby.

Melt

Good morning!

How are you?

That's not a greeting. 
Yep, it's more because I really want to know. 

Caring about everyone & everything is a part of who I am. Loving deeply, caring deeply, it's risky, am a risk taker, anyway. Calculated risk taker. It gets me in trouble at times. Getting arrested for it hasn't happened, yet, life is meant to be lived, so, I take calculated risks. I get hurt sometimes, heal, then, go for it when opportunity presents itself yet, again.  sofakanwat. :)

As a woman in her late teens, early 20s, the feelings of invincibility were strong. Maybe it's because I was wearing a loaded .38, toting an M-16 with a clip in it 8 -15 hours per day most of the time. Maybe.
That's about enough! Yup.
Maybe it's because I was so strong, toned, fit. I felt the strength, the power of my shirt brushing against firm, toned abs. The ground beneath my feet felt different. When, walking, sitting or doing just about anything, I felt whatever I was wearing or sitting on brushing against my, pardon moi, hard ass! lol lol lol. I'm blushing.

So, I remember how that felt. In 2004, I believed I could feel that way again because I remembered it. Possible muscle memory?
More and more, that feeling is coming back.
When anything brushes against my abs, I feel it, my skin tingles.
When walking, the muscles in my glutes remind me that I have been doing my squats, that the hours on the StairMaster are giving results. The tingles felt on my skin & muscles let me know I'm getting Stronger, more firm, the same tingles I felt in my 20s.
My skin is so alive with reaction to sensation!!!
I feel like I'm growing younger.
When my dear friend arrived at the airport to pick me up, she barely recognized me. She told me she needed to start doing what I'm doing. It seemed like a joke to me, I laughed, then saw the expression on her face, realized she was serious.
So, I asked her what she, exactly, meant. She looked at me with quizzical expression. Then said:

"You really don't know, do you?"

Had to laugh! Shook my head, no.

"You look like you're 30!"

I'm not 30. Oh, I FEEL like I am 25, although, I know my actual, chronological age.

Preferring to stay humble, self deprecating is better than some of the haughty bitches who lord their looks over others just because they can. A humble attitude, a caring attitude, a beautiful heart of gold is much better than being mean to others. I don't eat butterflies & fart rainbows. Eating bugs is just icky. Rainbows are cool. Stinky rainbows, no bueno.

The many years refraining from smoking, alcohol, eating fresh fruit & vegetables, being kind to others so as to keep a clear conscience have served me well. Unfortunately, I ate badly, exercise was a neglected practice. Too much diet coke. Not near enough sleep plus too many excuses for the bad lifestyle choices. Taking way more abuse from a selfish asshole spouse plus just about anyone kept me unhealthy, unhappy. Letting myself get pushed, manipulated, turned into someone that served everyone except the person I really was inside took it's toll.

It took time to be turned into someone who was not me.

It has taken time to turn back into who I really am.

You may ask, "Why the hell is she STILL talking about this?!?" 
It's because it is still a part of who I am. If you don't like it, bite me!

With that said, the feeling in my heart, mind, spirit is a positive, sweet feeling of melting. That's the best way to describe the feeling of my life experience, lately.
Am inside my head a lot more, recently.

This morning, during Yoga, the "melting" feeling was very strong.
Some people call it being in "the zone". People who are into fitness will understand this. It can also happen during a creative solo pursuit. Sketching, drawing, painting, sewing, sculpting, etc.

The melting started as soon as I had finished the second movement of my Yoga practice. There are 100 movements during all of my Yoga practices. No one HAS the time for it. One must MAKE the time.
Two months ago, I began getting into plank position, then using the stop watch app on my phone, I held plank for 2 minutes. When I was leaving for Cold-orado, I was inspired to hold plank every morning, for every day I was there. I was there for 7 days!! sO yEaH!!!! I see the results, now. it's amazing what planking can do for the abs. Fitness talk! I warned you! Yup.

Inside my head,
Water cannot wet me
Wind cannot dry me
Fire cannot burn me
Pain cannot cut me
My spirit is eternal
Eternity within me
Curves back around 
Within itself
To create
Again
And again

namaste

Just a recipe, today!

Had this for lunch. YUMMMM!!!!!

California Cucumber Salad

4 Servings

Ingredients:

2 red apples, unpeeled and cut into cubes
1 cucumber, unpeeled and cut into small pieces
5 dates, pitted and diced
Juice of half a lemon
1/2 cup plain yogurt
1 teaspoon honey
1/8 teaspoon basil
1/8 teaspoon parsley flakes
1/8 teaspoon cilantro
1 tablespoon chopped almonds

Directions

1. In a medium-sized bowl combine the apples, cucumber, and dates. Pour the lemon juice and mix well.

2. In a small bowl, mix the yogurt with the honey, basil, parsley, and cilantro.

3. Pour the dressing on the apple-cucumber mixture and sprinkle with almondsc

Celeste

Sweet Celeste

This girl is on my mind a lot. I know why she is.

Within the first few months of arriving in Texas I saw her several times.

Big brown eyes, long, light auburn hair with soft little curls. She ran up to me, threw her arms around me in a tight hug the first time we met, then, every time after that. We did not know each other, yet, she whispered in my ear, "I love you." First time, every time.

It was amazing, how open, unafraid she was.

Then, again, children & animals love me. The first hug from her was 3 years ago. She's now 6 years old, just as sweet, just as open.

Happy Birthday, sweet Celeste!

ME

.....AND YOU!

By nature I'm a creative free spirit

A sweet passionate lover at heart

Rejection hurts so I fear it

Little girl playing an adult part

Very very creative with speech

Plus other forms of expression

Love to learn as well as teach

Prone to short spells of depression

You might think it's rather risky

Laying my soul bare on this page
Venting is healthy can be the key
To circumvent sadness plus rage

Misunderstood is a common thing
Have lived with it most of my time 
The silent havoc in life it can bring
I release the hurting through rhyme

To love then be loved in return
Is all that I repeatedly ask
Being left empty in solace to burn
Loving should be such a simple task

What do you wish for in your heart?
What do you wish for in your mind?
They are two different yearnings apart.
That which some seek yet can't find

What do you dream of to hold?
What do you dream of to possess?
Can you really become so bold?
To pursue it then accept nothing less?

Tell me if you wish if you dare
After I have told you here
No need to fear if you share
That which you hold most dear

A message to you dear one
Said with a heart that is true
Now that my prose is done
Today, every day so simply, I love you

Do you do this?

Never too late to quit.

It seems quite harmless. The effects take a long time to show, yet, for some, a half of their lives or most of their lives to recover, to catch up developmentally.

There are some, too many, who, sadly, never find healing or a healer.

The healer can be a counselor, a lover, a spouse or a series of truly caring friends.

Quite often, the damaged child grows into adulthood only to find a spouse who does further damage to them as they, themselves repeat the cycle of abuse upon their own children with no support from their abusive spouse. Notice, this is gender neutral.

Many people believe that if they don't physically or sexually or verbally abuse their children, their children are not abused.

Overt abuse is not the only way to warp a tender, young childs developing mind.

Many activities of parents that they believe are not harmful or are un-noticed by their children such as:

Substance abuse ( alcohol, weed, illegal substances, even cigarettes)

Cheating on your spouse (they KNOW what you're doing, they don't verbalize)

Neglect (nurturing, teaching, guiding, showing affection are so under-rated)

Constant hostility between parents (It doesn't have to be yelling matches)

Being emotionally unavailable

Bouncing periodically from the home unless work related

Giving material things too feeely

If single or divorced, cycling romantic partners one after the other in & out of your childrens home, lives, etc.

This is by no means a complete list. Am not a counselor, just one who sees way too much of this in todays' world. It's very unsettling, damaging to tender children 1 yr - 18 yrs.

How do I know these things are damaging? Lived with abuse until age 18 in my parents home. It was a violent, hostile, sometimes dangerous environment tobe in as a child.

Right before my 3rd child was born, summoning the courage to accept help was a good decision. Being a woman who married a spouse who only did further damage, life was a precarious balance. The love a mother feels for her children, if she truly loves them, can inspire her to move mountains. During the full year of counseling, moving mountains would have been easier.

Slowly unraveling, separating the events of childhood into what was so very damaging from the few happy moments.

Halfway through the year of counseling, a light began to dawn in my mind, in my heart. Many epiphanies began to emerge, beginning the journey to becoming whole at the age of 29. Soft, little baby steps. Going forward into healing the abuse of parents who should not have had children unless they healed themselves first. I was healing. Better late than not at all. Especially important was that the healing was happening while my children were still in single digits. The 2 older ones were still mould able, the 2 younger, unborn. There was hope.

That year of counseling felt like 18 years of mental, emotional, psychological development almost all squeezed in to a year. It hurt like hell! It was necessary, so worth the pain.

In the emotional trauma of 2012, I learned a lot about myself. One, especially helpful, characteristic, that was pointed out to me by that hiccup.

I was attracted to narcissists. Even worse, they were attracted to me. I WAS that bleeding screaming bunny that drew them in with the smell of (blood) vulnerability.

Have learned how to recognise the narcissistic guys. Sometimes I still start to fall for it, then identifying it earlier, I leave them alone with a gift and/or a blessing,then, walk away. Used to look back, now, simply move on, looking forward.

Healing the hurt of the past, living happy,healthy, wiser is the best!

Keep living in the moment plus listening, eating, plus being open to anything healthy that is new! This keeps pulling me along, forward, always forward while living in the present!

Live in the moment, treat yourself well....oh...cherish your children, they grow into adulthood before your eyes. Savor the moments, teach them, love them enough to be a healthy you, as much as you possibly can.

You are worth it.

They are worth it!