My Hero Out There

I say thank you
For all the times far away from home
Eating Christmas dinner in a combat zone
I say thank you!

I say I love you
For all of the loves lost along the way
Living to fight on another grey day
I say thank you

I say I'm more grateful to you wherever you are
Sleeping under a blanket of moon & stars
I say thank you

I say thank you
The people who see you in your combat gear
Looking as if you have no fear
I know you're frightened sometimes

I say thank you
Oh what I would give to have you as my hero my man
Keeping home fires hot, you come back to me when you can
I would say, I'll always love you

I say I love you
You're out there in the world taking sex on the run
It's not fulfilling it's not even fun
I say I understand though I don't

I say I could never hold you
Sex on the run will leave you as empty as before
Cruising in cruising out of each lovers door
I say I feel sorry for you

I say thank you, still thank you
For all that you've done for all that you do
Ever faithful for the sake of the red white and blue
You're still my hero
I say thank you
I still love you

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

What's it like to live with PTSD/MST

It's multiple rounds of friending and unfriending
Doubting of allegiance that is never ending

Nights of terror or no sleep at all
Staring at the ceiling climbing the wall

Then there are 3 nights of no sleep at all
To early to rise tooooo late to call 

Social isolation from friends and kin
Nowhere to call home or to fit in

Easily startled which others think is such fun
Hearing someone scream is hard when you're the one 

Get a boyfriend or girlfriend or even a pet
It's what people say all the time they forget

It's hard to love hard to trust hard to care
Hard to find someone worthy anywhere

There is hope there is reprieve from all the pain
Shelter from the storm coming in from the rain

With time with self care there can be healing
The comfort of peace in time self revealing

It's not easy to explain or to physically see
There is life there is hope for those of us with PTSD

Being Thelemic

Word porn time!

The bare bones philosophy of thelemic ~ do what thou wilt.

It's the polar opposite of being controlling.

Do as you wish, harmlessly toward yourself as well as others, recognizing that others have that same right.

If a person wishes to be slender or overweight or clean or dirty or to live a morally upright life or a cheating, lying life, it's theirs to choose. No one can nor should try to impose their will upon another. Doing so will result in anger, resentment, sometimes even violence.

Of course, parents must discipline with love when dealing with minor children. Of course law enforcement professionals must enforce the law. These are no-brainers.

When one person who has no reasonable authority over another tries to impose their will aka being a control freak, it's no bueno.

Many people have played one role or the other at times, yet, it's to the extent that the will is imposed that makes all the difference.

Being thelemic is such a healthy way of living that there are entire organizations dedicated to this practice.

Songs have been written about it.

Don't believe?

Re: The song by Bonnie Raitt - I Can't Make You Love Me
George Michael gave his rendition. The concept rings with so much truth, Adele recently gave her rendition.

The dittys main idea is ~ I can't make you love me if you don't, You can't make a heart feel something it won't.

Sad words, yet also riddled with healthy acceptance of life.

Every day, I monitor my actions to insure, just for myself, that I remain thelemic. Having been the victim of people with major control issues, I know how unhealthy it is, so, I strive to do better.

There are so many better ways to be.

Be kind without being a door mat.
Be giving yet steer clear of being taken advantage of.
Be healthy in your personal boundaries while remaining approachable.

It can be a tricky balance. Predatory people abound in today's world. These predators always have their antennae up to detect potential victims. Some people act in predatory ways unaware of what they are doing. Learned behavior is a slippery slope that many of us can fall into without realizing.

As for me and my house I will be thelemic.
(I'm the only one, like tigger, so, I speak for the house)

Loving The Change

I can actually feel it.

I'm changing. 

For the better, of course!

Maybe it's about my November 20 appointment.

Shhh!

Maybe, it's the sucky holidays approaching. I hate Christmas!

The change of seasons?

The changes in my fitness level?

idk

All I know is that I feel myself changing. Physical changes, emotional changes, spiritual changes, mental changes.

All good.

I definitely feel stronger in every way. Oh, I still struggle with depression, the lack of love from family, things that are so personal, so private that I won't discuss them with anyone.

It's a time in life when I, as absurd as this sounds, I feel myself growing younger.

The feelings of invincibility that I felt at age 16 are still with me though, maturity tells me that I'm still mortal.

Yet, I feel myself changing, a semi evolution back into the girl at 16 before I was legal!

Life is imperfect, for sure, yet, life is life.

Life is good!

😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍

The More Things Change, The More They Stay The Same

As a fan of changing it up to keep life fresh & interesting, I realize that I may be repeating past mistakes. Sometimes my own, sometimes a variation of someone else.

Gimme a break.

I'm human. 

I saw my mother gain weight with every up, down, pregnancy, miscarriage as well as my fathers alcoholic "episodes".

Although the ex huzz wasn't an alcoholic, his deep insecurity & pronounced control issues definitely put me on the obesity roller-coaster.

I kick myself, sometimes, for having fallen into a variation of what my mother dealt with. The difference I made was to leave the abusive huzz, divorce his controlling azz, get healthy.

Then, lose the weight!

With every workout, I see the changes in my body, I see my abs grow more flat. I feel the way my clothes fit me differently. Even my hair is growing faster with the use of Biosil.

Expending the time, energy & effort to turn back into who I really am.

I'm still SKYCHIC!
(Honorary call-sign given by USAF Pilot buddies)

Many people ask me how I can possibly be single as well as remain single. 
If they saw what I had to deal with, they would see why.

Being single offers me the freedom to do as I wish, go where I desire to go, whenever I wish, with whomever I choose.
Of course, some girls have that freedom within their marriage or within their primary relationship. 
They are, indeed very fortunate without realizing.

I suppose you could say that I "one upped" my mom by getting away from my abuser while still young. My mother stayed for 30 years before finally dying from cancer at a young age.

I feel fortunate in that I have learned many life lessons relatively early on from what I have seen of others. I'm not better nor worse, simply different. 
Maybe a bit more self aware. Maybe just a bit more aware.

Case in point.

One positive aspect my father instilled in me was to love plants. To love the soil the plants grow in, the plants themselves that produce food, branching off into plants that simply bring beauty into our lives. He gave me a love for growing things. Possibly, it's an aspect of my Native American heritage. Daddy was almost 100% Native American. My DNA analysis revealed that I am 55% Native American. Woot!

The most exciting thing in this tiny town I live in is a 24 hour Walmart. 
Kinda sad, yet, kinda quaint & sweet at the same time.
My practice, since moving to this town in 2013 has been to enter Walmart through the Lawn & Garden entrance. It feels better to me to go in a lesser used entrance, veering away from following a crowd.

For 5 years, this has been my practice.

I made the mistake of telling someone I wanted to get to know them a bit better. This person seemed to need a friend.
As is the danger of being forthright, this person took it all the wrong way. Caveat: Tread carefully when reaching out.
This person works in the lawn & garden section of the store.
So that I don't cause the person to feel uncomfortable at work, I have stopped entering the store through lawn & garden.

A small aberration, a big show of courtesy. It's how I roll.

I recall this happening a few years ago, when I had my catering service, yet, the roles were reversed. 
I had catered 3 parties for the same family & a guy who was part of the family was at all three. He was 20 years younger than me, he was an extra friendly sort, so, I thought nothing of his touchy-feely greetings. 
At the last of the 3 parties, he was a bit more friendly than usual. I was in professional mode! I turned him away, not knowing his intent.
Karma? Maybe!

The more things change, the more they stay the same.

The words to an old song play through my head.

Everybody plays the fool sometime
There's no exception to the rule
It may be factual it may be cruel
Everybody plays the fool

Confident or Cocky?

Dictionary time!

Confident ~ Feeling or showing confidence in self. Self assured. Self reliant. Poised.

Cocky ~ Conceited or arrogant, especially in a bold or impudent way.

There's a fine line between cocky & confident.

Cocky people do have self confidence, yet, it wells up from a different place than confidence. Being cocky comes from an external source such as finances, social position, family ties or status. Yank that away, they have nearly nothing to stand on.

True self confidence comes from within a person who knows who they are as well as they know their own limitations, their own shortcomings. They learn from success as well as failure rather than letting it define them.

The hallmark or telltale sign of a person who is truly self assured is one who will admit to their mistakes, apologize if needed. A cocky person will deny any wrongdoing, place the blame elsewhere, then carry on feeling no guilt at all.

Truly secure people will evaluate their own behavior, face their fears. By letting go of fears, you set yourself up for success.

Perhaps this is why, when someone is rejected by another person, the way the rejected one handles it makes all the difference.

A person who is rejected can choose 1 of 2 ways to handle it. Accept it gracefully, let the other person know, it's all good, no hard feelings. Then, there's the other.
It seems that everyone has been in one role or the other in their lives.
The crucial aspect is, did they learn from it? Then, if so, what, exactly did they learn from the painful rejection(s).

This forges a person of cockiness or confidence.
The choice is there.

When I have encountered a guy who is obviously attractive, in great physical condition, seems to have important status, it causes me to pause. I'm a straight girl who enjoys people watching. 
I know that if I see someone as attractive, there are, most likely many other girls who also find the guy as one who gives them a reaction to him ~ THE WARMIES!
:)

Having watched guys like this, it has given me pause to wonder where their self confidence comes from. Money? Status? Intelligence? Education? Physical prowess?
Maybe one of these or a combo!
Um, I'll have the combo, please!

In the days when I first left my parents home, then, entered military service, I was a shy, skinny girl, not much confidence at all. Scared of everyone & everything.

As I went through military training, I was dragged out of my shy little self, kicking & screaming. All of the physical exertion built my self confidence. My body felt tighter, abs were tighter, it even made me walk differently. My older sister noticed the change in me when I went back to my parents home for a visit before going on to my first assignment ~ Hickam AFB. 

At my first assignment, I learned about an AFSC in the USAF.
The PJs!
No, not pajamas.
The PJs or Pararescue guys were superhuman, ripped, chiseled adonis like guys guaranteed to give any straight girl a serious case of THE WARMIES!
I watched them, constantly. Yeah, I had THE WARMIES!

Most of these guys were confident while a few were obviously cocky. All of them had good reasons to be confident, yet, a few chose to be cocky. The confident ones were definitely more appealing. The cocky ones seemed fake, to me.

FFWD
2017

Having had that tight little body, then, losing it, now, slowly getting it tightened up, again, it gives me an important awareness. 
While I was blubbery-flabby, I was easily controlled, easily manipulated, easily intimidated.
As I work to tighten my abs as well as other regions, it brings new awareness as to why people who are in excellent physical health & condition, having never lost it, are as they are.
Some are confident, some are cocky.
Feeling my self confidence coming back as I tighten & tone my body is a great feeling. Walking around in my day to day, feeling my ab muscles flex against my T-shirt causes me to recall the awakening I experienced just starting my adult life.

Whatever happens, I will choose to stay humble, kind, teachable, compassionate, empathetic.

Confident.
 

Just Be

How many times have you heard the discontent from someone?

The, "I wish my life was different" lament. I'll admit, I have  felt it, voiced it. That is, until I learned.

A close friend spoke to me of a book ~ 

Loving what is by Byron Katie

When she & her DH needed to get out of town for some couples time, I moved into her home for the long weekend to keep tabs on their home ........and their sons.
Having known their sons for all of their lives, I looked forward to it, really enjoyed it. They have great kiddos!

I found the book she had mentioned, it changed me in good ways!

Throughout the course of the days I was in their home, I took the guys swimming, kept their home tidy as well as read the whole book!

It was a game changer.

Loving what is, the book, snaked its' ideas, it's methodology into my psyche to change it in good ways.

You would have to read the book (now that you have the title & author, GO!) to get the whole enchilada of ideas. There are worksheets, workbooks.
It's often referred to as "The Work" aka "Do The Work"
In my opinion? It was more like pleasure than work! 

The work instructs to ask yourself 4 questions in any quandary.

1. Is it true?
2. Can you be absolutely sure it's true?
3.How do you react when you think that thought?
4. Who would you be without that thought?

Dangerous introspection!

Byron Katie says, "It's not the problem that causes our suffering, it's our thinking that causes our suffering."
She gives a new take on people trying to let go of a painful thought when really we have to allow the painful thought to let go of us!
(Oh, gawd, this sounds like a book review!)

The whole crux of the matter is to become a lover of reality.

What is.

Living in the moment.

Loving what we have, what is, what crosses your path in life.

The last time is was in the ocean, I captured a moment. The ocean because, I didn't have the opp to sky dive. Love that, too!
To set the scene, it was a sunny, warm day in Hawai'i (don't hate!). There were sea birds squawking, the salty water was warm, calm. I was wearing a hot pink bikini, so, nearly nekkid!

There's a feeling, whether sky diving or floating in a warm ocean, of just being. Not attached to earth, not attached to sky, just being.

Floating on the tide of time as a small part of something vast.

I swam out to where my feet couldn't touch bottom, then, just floating on my back. Capturing the moment of just being, I fixated that moment to refer to in future when life might get hinky (kinky is something else, I said hinky!)

In those uncomfortable moments, recalling peace is comfort.

In those times or trouble, finding that moment of bliss.

Then ~ 

Just Be!

Whatz Your Top 10?

It started with my T.I. (that's Training Instructor for you non-military peeps) in USAF Basic Training. He noticed that life is a bit easier for me when I have a list to work from.

Hayyyyyyy Haaayyyyyyy! I'm a list maker!

It isn't an age thaaang, or a guy thaaang, or a girl thaaannng!

It's just a method to get schtuff done.

I make lists, I get it done.

Also, making a list (checking it once! sorry Santa!) breaks a task down to avoid being overwhelmed. 
Being underwhelmed can be stifling, so, making a list is not too much, it's not too little, it's juuuust riiiiiiiiight!

You make lists, too, whether you realize it or not.

Recipes, when cooking, utilize a list of ingredients then the steps to go through to create yummy-ness!

As a student, going to classes, you will have a schedule of your classes in a ~

wait for it

wait for it

A SCHEDULE! aka in a list!

Go to the grocery store without a list & you're a sittin' duck for clever marketing ploys to get you to buy things you don't really need.

Santa has a list & he's a pretty cool guy. Loved by millions!
(Are you naughty or nice? Fess up!)

These are ways that people use lists without realizing it.

Here's a list of my faves. 
Top 10 things I love right now.
Caveat - I change daily this may change by tomorrow or might not, might even shift a little or a lot.

1. FITNESS! Love it! Makes me feel more alive! 
2. Turkey! T-Day is the most wonderful day of the year IMHO.
3. Testosterone ~ Love the scent, sends me into bliss.
4. Gardenia Flowers ~ Closest thing to being high, legally!
5. The Ocean ~ A warm ocean beach with sugarsand! Yesss!
6. Good surprises ~ The other kind is no bueno.
7. Learning & listening to other languages ~ Fascinating!
8. Mani - Pedi ~ Makes it a joy to use my hnds & ft.
9. Kindness ~ Can always use more.
10. New anything. ~ Tech, music, movies, clothes, ideas.

That's my top 10 faves. What are yours?

In a Different World

If you're a single adult person out there, in the world, you will have experienced this truth.

The world can be a brutal place.

Filled with predatory people. 

These skilled & practiced people go about, extracting sex, money, attention, material things, from others for their own predatory satisfaction.

It's a dark, greedy selfishness, that comes from a well of deep pain, deep insecurity.

Perhaps this is why the myths of Kris Kringle, The Tooth Fairy, The Easter Bunny, etc, are so dear to children's hearts. 

Also quite dear to the hearts of many adults.

These fabled figures only give, give, give. All they ask is that we conduct ourselves as benevolent as we can.

Just, be kind, be good, be unselfish. 

Oh, if only.

In that world, people only help people minus the ulterior motives. 

In that mindset, people are loving, kind, good to each other without the demands of sex, drugs & rock n roll as payment! :)

It calls to mind the music from one of my favorite movies.

Bear with me!

I love the part in fairy-tales

That's very near the end

When all the kingdom cheers for their new Queen

And all is well

And all is good

And everyone belongs

And happily they're ever after-ing

But when I enter the kingdom of dreams

And face the promise of all I can be

Will they see me as a heroine?

Tell me, will they let me in?

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

In my world, that is, my own mind, heart and spirit, the desire is only to be kind to others. To give a smile, to mend a heart, to cheer another who is in need of cheering.

With the lack of benevolence in the world, many are very wary, very suspicious of someone who is truly kind.

Many will worry that if they accept kindness, what will the price be? When will the payment request arrive?

At an inconvenient time, possibly?

This is the culture of fear that is life in 2017.

It is that way, yet, just because it is this way, it can be changed even if only in a subtle way, into something softer & gentler.

In my world, a different world, life can be a soft flowing silky sweetness. It can be kind, gentle, with a bit of an edginess!

Have to have humor, mischief, action! You know, thrown in for good measure.

Too much sweetness will nauseate, give toothaches!

In my world, I give love to myself (it has to come from somewhere).

In my world, it's LIGHTS! CAMERA! ACTION! Hit the gym hard. Sweat like a pig to feel like a fox!

In my world, I wish to be the earth goddess, pouring out love, realizing that it's better to hold back, lest a predatory person seek to take advantage.

In my world there is beautiful music in the air.

There's the faint scent of lavender & jasmine wafting.

In my world, I realize that it's all fantasy, yet, beautiful, still.

If you seek to have love, beauty & fulfillment, you must create that world for yourself. 

There is no Prince Charming who will create beauty for you.

There is no Fairy Princess who will love you as you love her.

ZZZZZZZZZZTTTTTT! Buzz kill.

You have to be your own strength, your own love in your life. Anything else, anyone else will simply be the cherry on top.

Yupp! Ha ha! That's basically, it. 

In a different world

Love is in different doses

The melody in songs

A writer composes

It's happily sweet

With passion and joy

Makes you complete

In a permanent way

So, make your own happiness

Be your own compliment

Begin to make your world

Completely different!

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https://youtu.be/1ltadvDJ_vA

(copy & paste...enjoy!!!!)

When is enough......enough?

It's a heartbreaking refrain.
Hearing other single girls remark of themselves.

If only I was:

*Thinner
*Prettier
*Smarter
*Cleaner
*Richer
*More Sexy
*Darker Skinned
*Lighter Skinned
*Taller
*Shorter

If only I had:

*Bigger breasts
*A smaller butt
*More money
*Clear skin
*A smaller nose

Cosmetic surgeons live off these insecurities.

All this, many girls believe, would attract & keep their dream man to them.

Try telling them that the wrong guy will pick away at your insecurities. The one who truly cares about you, just as you are, will love you for or in spite of what the girl perceives as her flaws. Feel the display of doubt emanating from them.

And me?

The ex huzz told me:
"You're all used up after having 4 babies. Any guy out there will fuck you, none will ever love you, you have no choice, you have to stay with me or be alone for the rest of your life."

Thanks, honey!

Yet, it's been 10 years since I left & divorced him. His verbal, sexual & emotional abuse was so bad, I paid for the divorce out of my own pocket. I would have sawed off my right arm to get away from him.


Although I believe his words to be false, I'm still single.

Personally, I know I have a lot to offer, I know I AM enough for any guy out there, sometimes.....
I think I'm too much, even for myself. 😸

Looking at the history of women who are perceived as very desirable:

Marilyn Monroe
Britney Spears
Ivana Trump
Marla Maples
Selena Gomez
Sandra Bullock

These diversely talented femmes attract scores of guys, yet, keeping them is another matter. The guys they chose treated them badly. It's more of a reflection on the guys than it is on these women. Maybe choosing guys poorly if anything.
Does it diminish them?
NO!

When one person (male or female) rejects, cheats, abuses, leaves. It says more about the perp than it does of the victim.
Every situation is different.

Often, it's better, indeed more healthy, if someone has a history of people who abuse them in various ways, better to take a break of 90 days from mating & dating. It's best to see why they are choosing someone who does this.

It seems best for that person to work on themselves so that they will learn to choose better people to ally with.

Many people, in today's world, start out with sexual activity by age 12, then, recycle partners from then forward.
A human brain with emotional maturity, is only fully formed at age 25!

When a person becomes sexually active at an age when their thought processes are still undeveloped, it sets them up to not know who they truly are. It sets them up to have the deep fearfulness of being alone with no partner in their life.

Society is a hindrance to people truly knowing themselves.
Easier to control the population when people are living in an emotional climate of fearfulness. Add to this, the insidious social stigma attached to being single as being a negative way to live.

The people who are mentally, emotionally, even spiritually strong enough to remain happily single are a considered rare, a pariah to be looked at as an oddity. 
In truth?

Letting yourself be single for a long stretch of time is a gift for you to work on yourself. This allows one to stay in touch with who you are without the chimeric tendency to absorb personality traits of a significant other.

The message?

Who you are is enough. The right person will recognize this.

Peace out!

Coldplay Inspiration

I wish I could write music
Alas I lack the skill
Only pouring my heart out in poetry
While there's midnight time to kill

Thinking in rhyme is a helper
It eases my need to release
The pain the joy the in between
Leaves a space to create peace

Listening to inspiring music
Sipping a mighty good wine
These healing hours of calm
In solitude are all mine

Maybe this is just penance
In which I play my part
For breaking the hearts of others
The process of purifying a heart

How Much *Integrity?

The dictionary definition makes it sound so simple, yet, putting it into practice can be challenging for anyone & everyone at times.

*Integrity : The quality of being honest (as well as truthful). Having (as well as adhering to)strong moral principles. Having moral uprightness.

When you have a high level of integrity, you will know it. When you don't, well ___________. (fill in the blank!)

Even when a person has high integrity, there are those who will make up lies or "stretch the truth" a little about them.

It's important to know the rules in order to know how to properly break them. ~ 
His holiness The 14th Dalai Lama 

Yupp. Ha Ha.

I have been the brunt of this sort of nay-saying in the past as well as a lil bit in present day.

People should stop to consider the damage they may be causing before they gossip about another person. 

Truth or lies, the damage is the same.

Currently, I live in a small town where people are so bored with their lives, they will grab onto almost anything with even a hint of titillation, to gossip about. It gives them a thrill, a slight charge of electricity.
Kinda like sniffing paint, putting their tongue on a battery. It's a momentary charge, a cheap thrill. I'm sure there are some people, children, teenagers, adult age people,  in this town who even do that.
The level of boredom can stoop that low, so can the people.

My spidey sense is quite keen. I know when I'm being gossiped about, looked at in an accusatory way. My gut instinct tells me. Having learned to trust it, I know what it feels like as well as what it's telling me.

I felt it, today!

Gossip is akin to grabbing a handful of feathers, then releasing them in front of an electric fan on the high setting. The feathers, just like the damning words said, will spread quickly with it being impossible to ever gather them up, again.

Integrity is something I believe I have. Far, way far from being perfect, I have made as well as will continue to make mistakes. With that said, trying to do the right thing is something I strive for.

Getting accused of doing things I have not done is also a part of my life experience.

If gossip is to be believed, in this small town, I'm quite an evil person. 
The fact that very few people know me, having only lived here 5 years, no family, of course people will gossip about me while others will believe the gossip, then, spread it further. To this end, people who have never met me, don't know me, never will know me. The vicious gossip will have preceded me.


Welcome to small town, USA!

No means NO

Such a simple concept. Widely ignored.

Because I have had 4 stalkers, I probably have a different take on the concept of "No." When to use it, when to be more firm.

When I speak with someone & get a "Leave me alone" vibe, that means "Leave me alone." So, guess what?

I leave them alone! 

That includes online, in person, etc, etc. Okay, that's crystal.

If the person comes back to me at a later time, wants to hang out, cool, if not, cool. Everyone has a right to their privacy, their private feelings, expressions, who they wish to spend time with ~ or not.
It's a form of self respect for the one leaving someone else alone, it's a form of respect for the other person to acknowledge their wishes to be left alone.

Seems so simple, hmm?

With that said, there are a few guys in this small town who fail to grasp the concept.
When they each, individually, at separate times, approached me, I made the mistake of politely declining their offers. As a polite person, I wanted to tread carefully as I would want someone else to do if the situation was reversed with my vulnerability at the mercy of someone else.
Caveat ~ tread carefully yet be more assertive.
Yeah.
Having to come right out & be so blunt that it bordered on flat out bitchy is against my style. I decided that I could either continue to be polite or I could simply lay it out.
I think one of them got the sharp end of the stick, today. Ha ha.
He got the point!
There's no attraction to him whatsoever  on my part. Whatever he has to offer is something I can live without.

Today, I was in a mood to avoid anyone messing with me.

Saw him, hurried to my car, he came running & caught up.

UGH!

My response to his offers to take me out, blah, blah, blah, bordered on rudeness.

There is only a certain type of guy who attracts me, those guys are rare. That element of attraction is simply missing in this guy as well as the other 3 trying to get my attention.

Today?

My rudeness seems to have gotten through to him.

No means NO! 

Do you believe?

I believe there are elements of truth in everything
In every winter there are the beginnings of spring
I believe in the goodness that exists in everyone
Knowing there are also evil doers doing evil just for fun 
I believe that music can heal the damaged soul
Even the most desperately scarred can be made whole
I believe in true love that can exist when given a chance
Believing this keeps me always believing in romance
I believe in astrology, astronomy and the spiritually unseen
The ministering of angels with a mission so purely pristine
I believe in honoring soldiers in their courageous sacrifice
Giving everything they have including their own life
I believe in being faithful to the ones whose hearts you hold
Their loving trusting belief in you is more precious than gold
Age is only a number it can affect yet can never limit nor define
Only ignorants will believe it limits the rest will pay it no mind
Finally, I believe in the healing power of the ocean so clear
The wonderful feel of way too much vodka, wine & beer!

To the believers as well as the unbelievers, love to all, y'all!

Mommy, where do blog posts come from?

Well, you see, a mommy and a daddy buy insurance from Geico and then, they blog about it!

JK, peeps.

"I write for the same reason I breathe - because if I didn't I would die."  ~ Isaac Asimov 

My blog posts come from every place you can think of. Songs I hear, people I meet, audio books I listen to. I'm a romantic at heart. Too kind, too trusting for my own good, yet, that's me. 

~I beez in the trap.~

A poet, a tender hearted girl, still trying to become a woman.
Still working on that.
People ask me where I grew up.
The answer?
I never did.
Am still working on that.

Personal experiences pepper my blogs & I have had many more than I realize.
Everyone has a story that is uniquely theirs. 
My story?
My exciting experiences?

Riding the palomino, Buttermilk, all summer when I was 10.
Receiving an expensive pearl necklace from an admirer at 15.
Moving to Hawai'i with the USAF at 18.

Spending the night on AF-1. Yep. The Presidents AC.
Going to Hollywood from Honolulu for a 5 day adventure! 

Guarding the Space Shuttle! Didn't seem cool at the time. 

Moving to Kaiserslautern, Germany!
Traveling all over Europe & putting my languages to use!
(I speak French, German & Spanish fluently. Oh, I also speak English on a good day. Most days are very good days!)
Taking trips into Paris, France at every Opportunity.
Moving to the Republic of Panama, Canal Zone. 
My first hike to the summit of Pikes Peak 4 days up, 3 days coming down! 
Hitching my car to the back of the UHaul truck & driving out of Colorado to move to Texas!
Traveling to Albany, NY (May 2017) with my bestie! 
I'm sure there'll be more ~ stay tuned!

As Tina said, I've had my share of life's ups and downs, yet, fate's been kind, the downs have been few. 

I still deal with the demons of depression, the nightmares of PTSD/MST. Yet, remaining positive is key to keeping going.

 So, my blog posts come from anywhere and everywhere. 

Yes, I get paid to do something I love to do. Have to find joy wherever I can find it. 
If you want to be happy, decide to be happy.

As simple as that.

Find your joy then enjoy it!

The Comeback Kid

Ya never know what tomorrow brings, or, in this case, tonight!

I'm a lover of intricate needlework, so, was on a Walmart run to pick up some DMC floss. Out of 28 colors, they had...

wait for it

wait for it

TWO!

Argh!

Heading from Wally-World to the gym for my evening cardio, my cell went off.
Hey!
I only text or talk when parked!

I pulled into the Anytime Fitness parking lot. I didn't recognize the number, yet, very few people have my number & I kinda like it that way. 
I'm somewhat of a private person.
Hesitantly, I answered the phone.
It was a voice from the past.
(no poetry, tonight, ha ha!)
I had dated him right before leaving Colorado....in 2012! I knew he had moved out of Colorado in 2013, yet, beyond that, nothing. Sadly, I had to move on.
He's in Dallas, on business, remembered that I had moved to Texas, still had my number (my cell is still a Colorado number).
He was a hot 20 something EMT (probably closer to a 30 something, now) who was a lot of fun for a few months! When I say fun, I'm not speaking of screwing around. I take sex way more serious. We glow golfed, went to a few shows, got too silly at Looneys Comedy club a time or 10.

So, it went like this:
Me: Hello, this is Brenda.
Him: Hey this is the EMT guy you left to move to Texas!
pause
Me: Hey there. nice to hear from you. (I knew that voice!)
Him: I'm in Dallas!
Me: So, it was you that brought the nasty weather??
Him: So, can you come to Dallas & let me spoil you for 3 days?
Me : Umm, nope, you can come to Graham & take me out.
Him: What are you afraid of?
Me: YOU!
Him: (laughing) I told you I could never forget you.
Me: Never forgot you, either. (kinda sorta true)
Him: Come to Dallas!
Me: Come to Graham!
Him: Graham is pretty far, I googled it.
Me: Your loss, home boy. 
Him: I'll let you go *click*
__________________________________________

I play hard ass pretty good, huh? 

It tends to amaze me when ghosts from the past come back, asking so much from me. It's only slightly flattering.

I will continue with working to start my business, concentrate on making money. 
Continue with my workouts to improve.

Life is good!
 

Raison d'etre

While others reach out I reach down
Deep inside my being
To the scared little girl who still lives inside me
To my grandfather in all his love for me
To Michael who has passed on
To all that will give me strength
Reaching for all of this

While some will give up I keep going
Advancing into an unknown future
Advancing into the joy with the pain
Advancing into new places new people
Advancing with the tide which pulls me
Everything new keeps me moving forward

While some fear the future
Embracing change excites me
Embracing the now makes my heart pound
Embracing what is, living in this moment
Embracing myself with arms wrapped 
Loving life

Curving around in an eternal circle
Spiraling inward
Spiraling outward
Creating myself
Reinventing myself
Again
And 
Again

Being Single & Dating 2017

💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💖💓💓💓💖💓💓💓💓💓💓💓

Of course there are horror stories of dating out there in singledom ~ that is ~ the single kingdom. 😇

As one who mostly focuses on the positive, I have some fun insights into the raison d'etre as a single girl.

Cheating seems to be pandemic out there. I hear it, see it & have witnessed it first hand. It's something I , personally have a failure to understand. If you're unhappy, unfulfilled or have unmet needs, get out of one situation before getting into another. The pain, confusion & damage done is very karmic.
Cheating has more to do with the cheater than it does to do with the one who is cheated on.

If you think I'm going to do some cheater shaming, you will be disappointed. Positivism is better.

My views of dating are, most likely, outside of the mainstream.

Views such as:

~ Age is no barrier. As long as it's legal, I'm all in!
~ If he's even dating someone exclusively ~ No fly zone.
~ Having dated outside my own race, I prefer my own.
~ I'm straight, strictly dickly
~ Casual sex is not for me at all
~ I care more about who he is, his heart and mind than his $$

So, having said that, it seems that I am a bit of a novelty out there in the single mingle climate.
All the time I see & hear the pain, the complaints about girls who are so materialistic, the girls who cheat on good guys.
It isn't me or any pov I espouse.

There is more to a person than their money, their possessions, their status. 

Part of my dating persona is that I'm genuine, I care. Sometimes, it seems I would be better off if I didn't care as much or as deeply. Yeah. It sux. I would rather be a genuine, caring person than I would to be a cold hearted, selfish u know what.

As the cliche' goes ~

Some girls are bitchy because they have been hurt too much.
Some girls are bitchy so they won't get hurt.

I think I'm somewhere outside of that demographic tyvm. :)

Dating is tricky, the challenge is to roll with it, be careful not to attach until you know if you're dealing with a player or not.

The key is to just have fun! 

Enjoy your life, if you don't have any hobbies, getcha some!

Get so far into your life & the enjoyment of it that whatever is meant to be, finds its' own way to ya!

Tchuss!