Today, a proud day.
A wonderful day.
A day culminating in accomplishment.
A day of triumph!
He has been talking to to me about this for 5 years!
Today, he has moved forward in the most successful way, possible!
Today, my awesome, chik magnet, kind hearted, fire arm loving, intelligent & ridiculously funny son, has taken the Oath of Enlistment at MEPS in Denver, Colorado!
I'm so happy for him, so proud of him, so thrilled for the adventure he is starting.
Every time he became discouraged, I talked encouragement to him. Kept encouraging him, kept telling him what to try, something which might work to get him into the United States Air Force.
Today, he made it, and yeah, I'm so thrilled for him! He is on his way to his own personal adventure.
My heart is so full.
Happy day!
Tuesday, February 28, 2017
Monday, February 27, 2017
There is Life After "IT"
There really is life after "it". The event that makes you feel like something that rhymes with "it".
Living through the big D and I don't mean Dallas!
Seriously, what helped me so much was going through a 13 week program at New Life Church in Colorado Springs, Colorado... 3 times. It's a free program aimed at healing the pain of divorce through a Christian based program. The classes are all over the USA if it's something you're seeking.
www.divorcecare.org
Thinking I was healed, I was mistaken.
After giving up on ever dating again, going through so much pain, so much tragedy, I thought I would give myself a new start by moving to Texas in 2012.
Nope, lol!
Having my heart broken, again, I found a place that has the same faith based program here in the small town I live in.
Man, I was hurting so badly!
I went through the same 13 week program a few more times. It helped me in so many ways, I'm deeply grateful to the counsellors who led myself & a dozen other people seeking comfort!
People who I meet, now, would never be able to picture me as having been so bitter, in such a dark place.
I'm writing this out of a desire to offer hope & comfort to those of you out there, going through the pain of divorce.
There is healing, there is happiness in life after divorce.
I found it, you will find it, too, I promise.
Living through the big D and I don't mean Dallas!
Seriously, what helped me so much was going through a 13 week program at New Life Church in Colorado Springs, Colorado... 3 times. It's a free program aimed at healing the pain of divorce through a Christian based program. The classes are all over the USA if it's something you're seeking.
www.divorcecare.org
Thinking I was healed, I was mistaken.
After giving up on ever dating again, going through so much pain, so much tragedy, I thought I would give myself a new start by moving to Texas in 2012.
Nope, lol!
Having my heart broken, again, I found a place that has the same faith based program here in the small town I live in.
Man, I was hurting so badly!
I went through the same 13 week program a few more times. It helped me in so many ways, I'm deeply grateful to the counsellors who led myself & a dozen other people seeking comfort!
People who I meet, now, would never be able to picture me as having been so bitter, in such a dark place.
I'm writing this out of a desire to offer hope & comfort to those of you out there, going through the pain of divorce.
There is healing, there is happiness in life after divorce.
I found it, you will find it, too, I promise.
His life & Mine
Tell me a story about your life
About your 3 kiddos
With your ex wife
How your lives started with a sweet song
Somehow it unraveled
Went so wrong
Tell me a story of struggles and pain
One about brown eyes
Crying in the rain
Then I'll tell you a modern story
Of triumph over hurdles
Of healing and glory
The ending of a marriage is but a part
Of an event
Of a broken heart
Hearts can be healed in a healing quarry
Lay your head on my shoulder
Let's write a new story
Your story of healing has begun
Your pain diminishes
With each setting sun
Your new story is one only you know
Starting right now
Ready?
Set?
GO!
About your 3 kiddos
With your ex wife
How your lives started with a sweet song
Somehow it unraveled
Went so wrong
Tell me a story of struggles and pain
One about brown eyes
Crying in the rain
Then I'll tell you a modern story
Of triumph over hurdles
Of healing and glory
The ending of a marriage is but a part
Of an event
Of a broken heart
Hearts can be healed in a healing quarry
Lay your head on my shoulder
Let's write a new story
Your story of healing has begun
Your pain diminishes
With each setting sun
Your new story is one only you know
Starting right now
Ready?
Set?
GO!
A Sweet Short Ditty
The song in my heart is
In a language that's universal
It's deep meaning so precious
So very personal
It surfaces in my eyes
Spilling down my face
In a language that's universal
It's deep meaning so precious
So very personal
It surfaces in my eyes
Spilling down my face
Are You a Giver?
It kinda sux to be a giver.
When one is born that way, it's difficult to change, however, maybe, it can be modified?
Often, it's been talked around that the person who cares less in a relationship (any relationship between 2 people) has the most power.
Do you believe that?
Often it has also been spoken of that the person who leaves a get together, a phone conversation or even an argument, the one who leaves first, has the most power.
Umm, what?
This sounds somewhat manipulative, yet, one person must leave eventually even if it's only for a few moments. It's inevitable!
In prior times in my life, I was the one left standing. The other person in a relationship, a luncheon or a phone conversation would be the one to leave. It seemed polite to me, just good manners, just simple kindness, to wait until the other person made an exit. They would tell me they simply had to "get going".
It stabbed at my feels.
It even felt painful at times.
Admittedly, I used to have some very serious abandonment issues left over from childhood. THANKS MOM & DAD! :P
Used to have is the operative phrase.
Since being on my own for so long, now, the abandonment issues have calmed down significantly.
Since realizing that every person must decide when it's time to exit, for their time constraints, their comfort level.
It's a learned skill for a giving person, such as myself.
At first, I exited awkwardly, feeling guilty, feeling that I was being unkind to the other person. A situation where I got mine while denying them, theirs.
Hmm.
Toughening myself, I learned to exit with more grace, less guilt, the abandonment issues even became somewhat reversed with time.
I'm still a giver. My natural state of being is to give, to love, to nurture, to show compassion, to show concern for others.
Quelling this natural state took practice, as it, now, takes focus. Learning to turn a bit of that giving inward, to give the loving care to myself just as I would give it to others.
The results are the beauty I'm creating in a new home I'm moving into. The serenity & self love feels good!
When one is born that way, it's difficult to change, however, maybe, it can be modified?
Often, it's been talked around that the person who cares less in a relationship (any relationship between 2 people) has the most power.
Do you believe that?
Often it has also been spoken of that the person who leaves a get together, a phone conversation or even an argument, the one who leaves first, has the most power.
Umm, what?
This sounds somewhat manipulative, yet, one person must leave eventually even if it's only for a few moments. It's inevitable!
In prior times in my life, I was the one left standing. The other person in a relationship, a luncheon or a phone conversation would be the one to leave. It seemed polite to me, just good manners, just simple kindness, to wait until the other person made an exit. They would tell me they simply had to "get going".
It stabbed at my feels.
It even felt painful at times.
Admittedly, I used to have some very serious abandonment issues left over from childhood. THANKS MOM & DAD! :P
Used to have is the operative phrase.
Since being on my own for so long, now, the abandonment issues have calmed down significantly.
Since realizing that every person must decide when it's time to exit, for their time constraints, their comfort level.
It's a learned skill for a giving person, such as myself.
At first, I exited awkwardly, feeling guilty, feeling that I was being unkind to the other person. A situation where I got mine while denying them, theirs.
Hmm.
Toughening myself, I learned to exit with more grace, less guilt, the abandonment issues even became somewhat reversed with time.
I'm still a giver. My natural state of being is to give, to love, to nurture, to show compassion, to show concern for others.
Quelling this natural state took practice, as it, now, takes focus. Learning to turn a bit of that giving inward, to give the loving care to myself just as I would give it to others.
The results are the beauty I'm creating in a new home I'm moving into. The serenity & self love feels good!
Sunday, February 26, 2017
Recovery Time
Just in case you haven't picked up on this facet of ~
MOI
I'm a sensitive girl. I love deeply, feel deeply, care deeply.
To the objects of my affections, this feels heart warming, even a bit flattering.
It's less than a picnic to care so much in a world of selfish individuals where people love things & use other people.
Occasionally, a fresh breath of humanity breezes in my direction, giving me a glimpse of kindness.
It touches me, sweetly!
Last night, I had 2 surprising phone calls.
I will focus on call # 2.
Am still unsure as to how he got my cell number
but, m'kay!
A guy I had been romantically seeing, several years ago, called me to talk for a few minutes. We had dated for several months. He began making unkind remarks to me, about me, being generally negative. The more I tried to find out where the hostility toward me was originating from, the more hostile he became. Finally, I told him that we were needing to call it a day, go our separate ways. The flood gates of profanity opened from his sweet, kissable mouth!
We were at an upscale restaurant.
Making a hasty retreat, I didn't walk away from him.
I RAN!
Laying in my bed that night, every little noise startled me. That was 6 years ago. Lots has happened since then.
After recovering from the shock of hearing his voice, again, mainly, I listened to what he had to say. He spoke, I listened.
He told me that he'd had some time to ponder our time together. Having dated a few girls since then (it's been 6 years!), he told me that he had wanted to tell me how he was sorry for treating me so badly, when I had been a fireball & a sweetheart to him.
Just the very type of girl who "does it" for him.
No, he didn't want to start up, again with me. Nor did I wish to start anything new with him. He had moved to Alaska, I'm living in Texas. No WIH would I move to Alaska, ever.
This very candid conversation healed my heart a bit. Healed the stunted desire to have a man in my life. Incompleteness, yes. It's a start to recovery.
It won't lead to getting back with him, I have low desire of that ilk, yet, I felt something knitting back together. My heart.
Where will this lead?
IDK
Stay tuned!
MOI
I'm a sensitive girl. I love deeply, feel deeply, care deeply.
To the objects of my affections, this feels heart warming, even a bit flattering.
It's less than a picnic to care so much in a world of selfish individuals where people love things & use other people.
Occasionally, a fresh breath of humanity breezes in my direction, giving me a glimpse of kindness.
It touches me, sweetly!
Last night, I had 2 surprising phone calls.
I will focus on call # 2.
Am still unsure as to how he got my cell number
but, m'kay!
A guy I had been romantically seeing, several years ago, called me to talk for a few minutes. We had dated for several months. He began making unkind remarks to me, about me, being generally negative. The more I tried to find out where the hostility toward me was originating from, the more hostile he became. Finally, I told him that we were needing to call it a day, go our separate ways. The flood gates of profanity opened from his sweet, kissable mouth!
We were at an upscale restaurant.
Making a hasty retreat, I didn't walk away from him.
I RAN!
Laying in my bed that night, every little noise startled me. That was 6 years ago. Lots has happened since then.
After recovering from the shock of hearing his voice, again, mainly, I listened to what he had to say. He spoke, I listened.
He told me that he'd had some time to ponder our time together. Having dated a few girls since then (it's been 6 years!), he told me that he had wanted to tell me how he was sorry for treating me so badly, when I had been a fireball & a sweetheart to him.
Just the very type of girl who "does it" for him.
No, he didn't want to start up, again with me. Nor did I wish to start anything new with him. He had moved to Alaska, I'm living in Texas. No WIH would I move to Alaska, ever.
This very candid conversation healed my heart a bit. Healed the stunted desire to have a man in my life. Incompleteness, yes. It's a start to recovery.
It won't lead to getting back with him, I have low desire of that ilk, yet, I felt something knitting back together. My heart.
Where will this lead?
IDK
Stay tuned!
Saturday, February 25, 2017
Do I touch you?
As a writer, it's the point of writing. The purpose can be yet, is not limited to stirring the senses of others. At times, it may anger some. Articles read may cause a person to think, get the cerebral juices going! Wait..... that's caffeine! Artificial stimuli that pulls a whole lotta cheddar from those who are hopelessly addicted to one of the most addictive legal substances out there.
So, yes, it's fun, at times, to push your buttons, get you going!
*smile*
Oh, you don't believe me? Try to go without coffee for 30 days, just observe what happens.
No. I never picked up the tobacco, coffee or tea addiction/ habit which holds much of the world in its teeth staining, expensive grip. Unfortunately, I was on the sugar wagon for a long time until weaning myself a couple years ago. It was tough to do, now, I can take it or leave it.
So, yes, it's fun, at times, to push your buttons, get you going!
*smile*
At present, I'm a slave to the gym. Exercise is my drug of choice!
As you may know, playing with words is also a pleasurable past time for yours, truly! Languages, plays upon words, innuendo, sarcasm, flirting. All of these are orchestrated with words.
When writing these blog entries, it's my wish to give entertaining thoughts through this tangential medium which is the Internet!
It's my hope to touch your mind, your heart, make you think, cry, laugh, smile & ponder!
In essence, I hope I touch you!
Friday, February 24, 2017
While it Lasts
A very important life lesson for me, was to live in the present moment. It's very important to enjoy what is, while it's here as it may not last as long as you thought it would.
In the past, I was very immersed in nostalgia, sentimentality, i.e. ~ too stuck in the past. I may have been this way, naturally or I may have become this way as a mirroring of the ex huzz. He's very stuck in the past. Music of the 70s & 80s, clothing styles, etc.
In the past few years, I have turned back into who I really am, vs a reflection of those around me. My deeply curious nature has allowed me to, again, explore, change, to grow!
When one 1/2 of a couple grows, changes & evolves, it often feels very threatening & uncomfortable to the one who wants their world & all the people close to them, to stay the same. It's for their own narcissistic selfish comfort, alone.
It's a very stifling existence.
Since I have been on my own, I have had people from my past come back into my life, to my delight. Some are playfully, wistfully nostalgic.
Then, there are guys who I was romantically involved with years ago, who are still, STILL saying the same lines, using the same story to suck me into their world, all over again.
Umm, I'll pass, this time! :)
So, I listen to any music that's new, I follow trends & will try anything new that appeals to me. New places, new faces, new restaurants. New technology, new ways to see the world & all the exciting things in it!
Change can be scary, a bit uncomfortable, a little threatening, yet, come on!
People!
Change can be FUN!
When I'm in a situation with new people, new ideas, new ways of doing things, I have learned to enjoy it in the moment! It may last for a day, it may last for a week, a month or longer.
Best to enjoy it while it's here.
In today's world where nearly everyone & everything is constantly evolving, so dynamic. The world is transitional.
Some of these changes are a bit disconcerting. I tell myself, I'm here, right now, in THIS moment. This moment is here, then, in its brevity...........it's gone. Best to enjoy it.
Friendships, romantic liaisons, employment, weather, I have learned to enjoy them while they last.
Think happy thoughts inside of your head
At work at play or in your warm bed
None of us knows what the next moment will bring
Best to be happy to dance and to sing
Love those who are so close to your heart
For none of us knows when their life will depart
Live your life to the fullest each day
That when that life is gone away
You will say ~ WHAT A RIDE!
*********************************************************************************
In the past, I was very immersed in nostalgia, sentimentality, i.e. ~ too stuck in the past. I may have been this way, naturally or I may have become this way as a mirroring of the ex huzz. He's very stuck in the past. Music of the 70s & 80s, clothing styles, etc.
In the past few years, I have turned back into who I really am, vs a reflection of those around me. My deeply curious nature has allowed me to, again, explore, change, to grow!
When one 1/2 of a couple grows, changes & evolves, it often feels very threatening & uncomfortable to the one who wants their world & all the people close to them, to stay the same. It's for their own narcissistic selfish comfort, alone.
It's a very stifling existence.
Since I have been on my own, I have had people from my past come back into my life, to my delight. Some are playfully, wistfully nostalgic.
Then, there are guys who I was romantically involved with years ago, who are still, STILL saying the same lines, using the same story to suck me into their world, all over again.
Umm, I'll pass, this time! :)
So, I listen to any music that's new, I follow trends & will try anything new that appeals to me. New places, new faces, new restaurants. New technology, new ways to see the world & all the exciting things in it!
Change can be scary, a bit uncomfortable, a little threatening, yet, come on!
People!
Change can be FUN!
When I'm in a situation with new people, new ideas, new ways of doing things, I have learned to enjoy it in the moment! It may last for a day, it may last for a week, a month or longer.
Best to enjoy it while it's here.
In today's world where nearly everyone & everything is constantly evolving, so dynamic. The world is transitional.
Some of these changes are a bit disconcerting. I tell myself, I'm here, right now, in THIS moment. This moment is here, then, in its brevity...........it's gone. Best to enjoy it.
Friendships, romantic liaisons, employment, weather, I have learned to enjoy them while they last.
Think happy thoughts inside of your head
At work at play or in your warm bed
None of us knows what the next moment will bring
Best to be happy to dance and to sing
Love those who are so close to your heart
For none of us knows when their life will depart
Live your life to the fullest each day
That when that life is gone away
You will say ~ WHAT A RIDE!
*********************************************************************************
Thursday, February 23, 2017
New day, New Opportunities!
Looking at each new day as a day filled with possibilities is how I live life.
It sounds exciting, doesn't it?
Mais oui!
Having learned the following phrases by living them, it's a fun ride, this life I'm living, well, mostly, anyway!
~ Be careful what you wish for, sometimes, you get it!
~ What goes around, comes around.
~ Money can be acquired, money can be lost, love remains when it's real love.
~ Words mean nothing until they are repeatedly backed up by corresponding actions.
~ People rarely get what they deserve, they get what they negotiate for!
~ Guys only value that which the have to work for, even then, they sometimes walk away if there's someone/something they think is better than what they worked for.
~ Scrambled eggs can't be unscrambled, be careful about getting yourself tied up in a messy situation of any type.
~ When someone cares about you, it will be so obvious, you will know it for sure.
~ People who wish to be part of your life will always find a way.
~ Guys fall in love with what they see, girls fall in love with what they hear. Thus, guys lie a lot & girls find ways to cammo their flaws.
~ Every problem you have is your responsibility no matter who caused it.
~ Yelling in anger only makes a problem worse.
~ Managing your "wants" is one of the most useful skills to have.
~ When a person treats you badly, it says more about them than it ever does about you.
~ A guy who pronounces a girl as, "crazy", "psycho" or "nuts" is a guy who shirks responsibility for his own actions which contributed to her painful emotional state of being. He promised her a beautiful dream, yet, turned it into a nightmare for her.
~ Blame is the favorite past time of those who shirk responsibility.
~ Becoming truly organized can improve anyone's life.
~ Sometimes, you have to remove toxic people from your life, even when they are a family member.
~ Wishing your life was different than it is, is a great way to torture yourself! You have to make it different.
~ Being your most authentic self is always a good choice.
~ Accomplishing great things takes time. In time? Even grass & grain will transform into milk & cream.
~ Personal growth & change starts between your ears!
~ Everything you put in your mouth aka the main gateway to your body, will either foster future disease or fight future disease, it's your choice.
~ You can only change your life & affect your future when you start to do something that works & leave behind that which didn't.
~ Under promise & Over deliver, it's a sure way to bring happiness to others & credibility to yourself.
~ Marrying someone will bring more misery than happiness if both people are only married yet not committed to each other.
~ Marriages succeed when both people make the other persons happiness their first priority.
~ Some people are only married, those who are married AND committed to each other find true happiness in marriage.
~ The only time a girl should attempt to change a guy is when the guy is a baby and she is his mother.
~ People must want to change, then, do the work to change themselves, otherwise, it turns into a painful mess.
~ Reserve the right to be wrong about another person, a situation or anything. When you know you have erred, be willing to admit it.
*************************************************
That's what I have, for now.
It's a lot, hmm? Ha ha! Yup!
Daily, I expose myself to as much living as I have the opportunity to experience.
It enriches me, helps me to grow & change for the better, as a person.
Get out there & refrain from just existing! Do one thing each day that scares you!
LIVE!
It sounds exciting, doesn't it?
Mais oui!
Having learned the following phrases by living them, it's a fun ride, this life I'm living, well, mostly, anyway!
~ Be careful what you wish for, sometimes, you get it!
~ What goes around, comes around.
~ Money can be acquired, money can be lost, love remains when it's real love.
~ Words mean nothing until they are repeatedly backed up by corresponding actions.
~ People rarely get what they deserve, they get what they negotiate for!
~ Guys only value that which the have to work for, even then, they sometimes walk away if there's someone/something they think is better than what they worked for.
~ Scrambled eggs can't be unscrambled, be careful about getting yourself tied up in a messy situation of any type.
~ When someone cares about you, it will be so obvious, you will know it for sure.
~ People who wish to be part of your life will always find a way.
~ Guys fall in love with what they see, girls fall in love with what they hear. Thus, guys lie a lot & girls find ways to cammo their flaws.
~ Every problem you have is your responsibility no matter who caused it.
~ Yelling in anger only makes a problem worse.
~ Managing your "wants" is one of the most useful skills to have.
~ When a person treats you badly, it says more about them than it ever does about you.
~ A guy who pronounces a girl as, "crazy", "psycho" or "nuts" is a guy who shirks responsibility for his own actions which contributed to her painful emotional state of being. He promised her a beautiful dream, yet, turned it into a nightmare for her.
~ Blame is the favorite past time of those who shirk responsibility.
~ Becoming truly organized can improve anyone's life.
~ Sometimes, you have to remove toxic people from your life, even when they are a family member.
~ Wishing your life was different than it is, is a great way to torture yourself! You have to make it different.
~ Being your most authentic self is always a good choice.
~ Accomplishing great things takes time. In time? Even grass & grain will transform into milk & cream.
~ Personal growth & change starts between your ears!
~ Everything you put in your mouth aka the main gateway to your body, will either foster future disease or fight future disease, it's your choice.
~ You can only change your life & affect your future when you start to do something that works & leave behind that which didn't.
~ Under promise & Over deliver, it's a sure way to bring happiness to others & credibility to yourself.
~ Marrying someone will bring more misery than happiness if both people are only married yet not committed to each other.
~ Marriages succeed when both people make the other persons happiness their first priority.
~ Some people are only married, those who are married AND committed to each other find true happiness in marriage.
~ The only time a girl should attempt to change a guy is when the guy is a baby and she is his mother.
~ People must want to change, then, do the work to change themselves, otherwise, it turns into a painful mess.
~ Reserve the right to be wrong about another person, a situation or anything. When you know you have erred, be willing to admit it.
*************************************************
That's what I have, for now.
It's a lot, hmm? Ha ha! Yup!
Daily, I expose myself to as much living as I have the opportunity to experience.
It enriches me, helps me to grow & change for the better, as a person.
Get out there & refrain from just existing! Do one thing each day that scares you!
LIVE!
Tuesday, February 21, 2017
Gratitude
The expression of pain in so many people is so dominant in today's world, it's palpable. To my understanding, it seems so, anyway.
Yet, hey!
What do I know?
I'm just a sweet, simple girl, living in happiness in North Texas.
Valentines Day seems to bring so much of that pain, bubbling to the surface to act as salt in the wounds of the heart, wounds deep in the spirits of so many.
And myself?
Nothing.
I feel none of that.
The world seems all geared toward coupling up. Guys just want to find Ms.Right Now. Girls want their Mr. Right for her.
And myself.
Nope.
Happily single & most likely will remain happily independently owned and operated in a peaceful, blissed out existence for life.
Maybe I am just totally screwed up & am unaware. Maybe I am dead on correct, maybe a mixture of both? IDK.
After escaping an abusive marriage, I really believed, yes, even hoped to find a guy to share the rest of my life with.
A guy who shared my same passionate energy, dreams, goals.
Perhaps a guy who loves working out as much as I do, or more! A guy with the same thirst for experiences & curiosity about the world as I have.
Someone who would make my happiness his first priority as I would happily love him & make his happiness my first priority. Keep him satisfied in every way a guy would want & need.
I tried to find him.
A few times, I thought I had.
This quest could easily be titled,
"One A-hole after another, after another then, so on......"
You see, I know that I am that girl that I hear guys whine that they wish to find. The sweet, wholesome, girl next door. A lady in the streets, a freak in the gym, oh, and, yes, the sheets, too!
I know this.
However, some girls are bitchy because they were hurt too many times, then, become bitchy because they have decided to love themselves enough to prevent any guy from hurting her ever again.
Having become that girl, I can tell you that, it's a happier, more peaceful existence to have the walls up, strong, titanium walls that no one can penetrate.
He would have to be a super hero to get through.
Captain America, are you out there?
*smile*
I pour my sexual energy, my emotional energy, spiritual energy, physical energy, into killing it at the gym!
With the help of Katie, the most knowledgeable, encouraging & creative PT I have ever known, my body is becoming stronger, leaner, more like it was at the age of 19.
YES!
It IS possible. With Katie's help, it's happening! I am so grateful to her!
Fitness is my life.
One might ask, how I got to this point.
In 2012, a man who I had known before, came back into my life.
He's a very cunning & skilled manipulator. He has control issues, which won't fly with me once I have id'ed them. Before that, I really thought I was immune to being manipulated by someone like him.
Nope.
Not as immune as I had thought, plus, he was just that skilled at lying, manipulating, deceiving and played me like a borrowed piano.
His talk of what our life together would be like was fascinating! His detailed descriptions of the adventures we would live together, the life he wanted to build with me sucked me in like a $10,000. wedding ring being drawn into a sewer when accidentally flushed down a toilet. The catch in my throat was just as real when I realized what he had done, what I had allowed.
Makes me feel sick, now.
Let me just say, I take responsibility for my actions. I was stupid enough to believe him. I was stupid enough because my heart, though it had been broken so many times, was still hopeful that there was *just one* decent guy out there who was safe to love.
He asked me to give up my 2 sweet Yorkies because he said he didn't like to have animals in the house. I found a family with two, 8 yr old girls who each wanted a little dog as a pet. My Yorkies were brothers, the only 2 in the litter, they had always been together. These people saw how sweet & well behaved my boys were, they paid me quite a lot for them. I'm still in touch with the people, so, my boys are happy, loved, well cared for.
I still miss them every day. After I gave my boys up, Mr. 2012 didn't want a relationship.
I told him that when he was taking up 3 - 7 hours per day of my time that IS a relationship.
He left me so devastated, so hurt, I only wanted to die. Only wanted to fade away from existing, leaving nothing behind.
Am quite sure you get the idea.
Having been hurt, several times before, this was the proverbial straw that broke me, the very last straw.
It took this much devastation for me to decide that I was done. Deciding that I would love myself enough to refrain from risking experiencing the deep pain which he dealt to me, ever again
I am deeply grateful to him.
He helped me to lose the desire to ever have a man in my life, in my bed, in my heart or any other way, ever again.
While I still love men, I will watch from a distance, will appreciate the awesome guys in the world!!!!!
When I hear the pain & anguish of other people who want someone to love them & be loved by, I am grateful to Mr. 2012.
My love is fitness.
Joy in life is in seeing my body transform.
Deep satisfaction is in a creative mind which creates beautiful hand crafted items of heirloom quality.
Being an independent, free spirit, happy in solitude is wondrous!
Would I recommend the process that put me in this frame of mind?
HELL NO!
Emphasis on going through HELL.
Am I happy in my current state of being?
Absolutely.
Life is sweeter, happier, my mind is clear, my conscience is clear, sleep is deeply satisfying.
Life is meant to be a journey of learning & joy.
Having joy from learning a valuable lesson is sweet!
Getcha some!
Yet, hey!
What do I know?
I'm just a sweet, simple girl, living in happiness in North Texas.
Valentines Day seems to bring so much of that pain, bubbling to the surface to act as salt in the wounds of the heart, wounds deep in the spirits of so many.
And myself?
Nothing.
I feel none of that.
The world seems all geared toward coupling up. Guys just want to find Ms.Right Now. Girls want their Mr. Right for her.
And myself.
Nope.
Happily single & most likely will remain happily independently owned and operated in a peaceful, blissed out existence for life.
Maybe I am just totally screwed up & am unaware. Maybe I am dead on correct, maybe a mixture of both? IDK.
After escaping an abusive marriage, I really believed, yes, even hoped to find a guy to share the rest of my life with.
A guy who shared my same passionate energy, dreams, goals.
Perhaps a guy who loves working out as much as I do, or more! A guy with the same thirst for experiences & curiosity about the world as I have.
Someone who would make my happiness his first priority as I would happily love him & make his happiness my first priority. Keep him satisfied in every way a guy would want & need.
I tried to find him.
A few times, I thought I had.
This quest could easily be titled,
"One A-hole after another, after another then, so on......"
You see, I know that I am that girl that I hear guys whine that they wish to find. The sweet, wholesome, girl next door. A lady in the streets, a freak in the gym, oh, and, yes, the sheets, too!
I know this.
However, some girls are bitchy because they were hurt too many times, then, become bitchy because they have decided to love themselves enough to prevent any guy from hurting her ever again.
Having become that girl, I can tell you that, it's a happier, more peaceful existence to have the walls up, strong, titanium walls that no one can penetrate.
He would have to be a super hero to get through.
Captain America, are you out there?
*smile*
I pour my sexual energy, my emotional energy, spiritual energy, physical energy, into killing it at the gym!
With the help of Katie, the most knowledgeable, encouraging & creative PT I have ever known, my body is becoming stronger, leaner, more like it was at the age of 19.
YES!
It IS possible. With Katie's help, it's happening! I am so grateful to her!
Fitness is my life.
One might ask, how I got to this point.
In 2012, a man who I had known before, came back into my life.
He's a very cunning & skilled manipulator. He has control issues, which won't fly with me once I have id'ed them. Before that, I really thought I was immune to being manipulated by someone like him.
Nope.
Not as immune as I had thought, plus, he was just that skilled at lying, manipulating, deceiving and played me like a borrowed piano.
His talk of what our life together would be like was fascinating! His detailed descriptions of the adventures we would live together, the life he wanted to build with me sucked me in like a $10,000. wedding ring being drawn into a sewer when accidentally flushed down a toilet. The catch in my throat was just as real when I realized what he had done, what I had allowed.
Makes me feel sick, now.
Let me just say, I take responsibility for my actions. I was stupid enough to believe him. I was stupid enough because my heart, though it had been broken so many times, was still hopeful that there was *just one* decent guy out there who was safe to love.
He asked me to give up my 2 sweet Yorkies because he said he didn't like to have animals in the house. I found a family with two, 8 yr old girls who each wanted a little dog as a pet. My Yorkies were brothers, the only 2 in the litter, they had always been together. These people saw how sweet & well behaved my boys were, they paid me quite a lot for them. I'm still in touch with the people, so, my boys are happy, loved, well cared for.
I still miss them every day. After I gave my boys up, Mr. 2012 didn't want a relationship.
I told him that when he was taking up 3 - 7 hours per day of my time that IS a relationship.
He left me so devastated, so hurt, I only wanted to die. Only wanted to fade away from existing, leaving nothing behind.
Am quite sure you get the idea.
Having been hurt, several times before, this was the proverbial straw that broke me, the very last straw.
It took this much devastation for me to decide that I was done. Deciding that I would love myself enough to refrain from risking experiencing the deep pain which he dealt to me, ever again
I am deeply grateful to him.
He helped me to lose the desire to ever have a man in my life, in my bed, in my heart or any other way, ever again.
While I still love men, I will watch from a distance, will appreciate the awesome guys in the world!!!!!
When I hear the pain & anguish of other people who want someone to love them & be loved by, I am grateful to Mr. 2012.
My love is fitness.
Joy in life is in seeing my body transform.
Deep satisfaction is in a creative mind which creates beautiful hand crafted items of heirloom quality.
Being an independent, free spirit, happy in solitude is wondrous!
Would I recommend the process that put me in this frame of mind?
HELL NO!
Emphasis on going through HELL.
Am I happy in my current state of being?
Absolutely.
Life is sweeter, happier, my mind is clear, my conscience is clear, sleep is deeply satisfying.
Life is meant to be a journey of learning & joy.
Having joy from learning a valuable lesson is sweet!
Getcha some!
Spring Fever
It's endearing
enchanting
complimentary
Plus more
It's exciting
wondrous
miraculous
Hearts soar!
Life feels sweeter
brighter
happier
Than ever
amazement
dreamy
Such a fever!
Reality settles in
new
redesigned
A fit like a glove
warming
arousing
You've fallen in love!
enchanting
complimentary
Plus more
It's exciting
wondrous
miraculous
Hearts soar!
Life feels sweeter
brighter
happier
Than ever
amazement
dreamy
Such a fever!
Reality settles in
new
redesigned
A fit like a glove
warming
arousing
You've fallen in love!
Serenity in Motion!
Majestically tall
As a mountain
Rise up then free fall
As a swan
Doubled over with hands
Palms flat
Softly she lands
Like that
Rise up in reverse arms out
Taller then taller still
Hands high that's what it's about
Balance against gravity's will
Upside down in a "V"
Head through arms spread wide
Feels so good to me
Brings the peace inside
This is quiet and peace
This is serenity rife
This brings the joy with ease
This is my zest for life
As a mountain
Rise up then free fall
As a swan
Doubled over with hands
Palms flat
Softly she lands
Like that
Rise up in reverse arms out
Taller then taller still
Hands high that's what it's about
Balance against gravity's will
Upside down in a "V"
Head through arms spread wide
Feels so good to me
Brings the peace inside
This is quiet and peace
This is serenity rife
This brings the joy with ease
This is my zest for life
Monday, February 20, 2017
Give me some change!
Since 2004 fitness has been my focus. It has become a stronger focus with time. Stronger, laser focused!
Since Katie, the PT has begun helping me, I see the changes! She is the most creative PT I have ever seen. Having had 5 prior PTs before this, she really impresses me! Impresses me, pushes me, works me hard, inspires me, YES!
It's only been almost 2 weeks, maybe a bit more maybe a bit less, I see a difference, I feel a difference. Abs feel like they're tightening from the inside. My legs are slimmer, my back muscles have more definition.
Her words resonate through my psyche!
I hear her words in my sleep!
Having ordered a gorgeous "Bodycon" dress aka skin tight & sexy, she encourages me with "GOAL DRESS- GOAL DRESS".
"Don't give up on yourself!"
"Remember why you're doing this!"
She really is so encouraging, creative, fun, smart, the bomb.com!
Working harder than I have ever worked in the gym. I thought I was working hard before, before Katie! Now?
I KNOW I'm working harder than ever, still pushing to get to ~
Goal Dress!
Goal Dress!
Since Katie, the PT has begun helping me, I see the changes! She is the most creative PT I have ever seen. Having had 5 prior PTs before this, she really impresses me! Impresses me, pushes me, works me hard, inspires me, YES!
It's only been almost 2 weeks, maybe a bit more maybe a bit less, I see a difference, I feel a difference. Abs feel like they're tightening from the inside. My legs are slimmer, my back muscles have more definition.
Her words resonate through my psyche!
I hear her words in my sleep!
Having ordered a gorgeous "Bodycon" dress aka skin tight & sexy, she encourages me with "GOAL DRESS- GOAL DRESS".
"Don't give up on yourself!"
"Remember why you're doing this!"
She really is so encouraging, creative, fun, smart, the bomb.com!
Working harder than I have ever worked in the gym. I thought I was working hard before, before Katie! Now?
I KNOW I'm working harder than ever, still pushing to get to ~
Goal Dress!
Goal Dress!
Tuesday, February 14, 2017
Do you know it?
Do you feel you are, by the words & actions of other people ~
Happy
Positive
Shy
Attractive
Athletic
Porky
Sarcastic
Confident
Extroverted
Skinny
Intelligent
Strong
Really really ridiculously good lookin'?
Not physically attractive yet have charisma
Physically attractive with meh personality
Do you feel this way about yourself from the opinions of others or do you feel it about yourself?
The way people view themselves vs the way they are viewed by others is usually 2 totally different animals.
It can, sometimes be spot on. Rarely, yet, just like rainbows in Arizona, it happens from time to time.
Personally?
I feel that I am average in looks, above average in compassion, intelligence, kindness. Slowly, with the help of my PT, Katie, my strength & fitness level is coming up to be where I want to be.
In my heart & mind, I am a simple, sweet, girl next door with a heart of gold.
Being honest, kind, compassionate, truthful & intuitive comes to me very easily.
Something that seems spot on, to me, is that, when a person really likes or loves another person, that persons faults, flaws & little quirks are seen as endearing, cute, funny.
When one person dislikes another, those same characteristics that one person found as favorable, will annoy the one who dislikes them.
It can boil down to insecurities, past experience, intimidation & a myriad of many factors.
Chemistry!
Yeah baby!
Connection!
Oh yeah!
That's when the sparks fly & it causes, umm, excitement. Sometimes it goes both ways, sometimes it's simply, sadly, one-sided.
I have mostly experienced the both ways type whether I acknowledged it or not. The one sided one sux!
Maybe, it's because I'm a very feminine girl who isn't a chaser. The ones who have caught up with me, were the ones initiating & they also kept contacting me.
Best to be busy & into your own life, the ones who are meant to be in your life will be there. The ones who don't or won't will not be.
It's basic biology in the human species ~ The sperm chases the egg.
It's a very unnatural occurrence for eggs to hop out of a girl in search of sperm.
Go ahead & laugh!
It's funny, isn't it?
You know it's true!
See yourself as wonderful, positive, worthy, be nice while doing it.
Confidence without cockiness is very attractive!
L8erz!
Happy
Positive
Shy
Attractive
Athletic
Porky
Sarcastic
Confident
Extroverted
Skinny
Intelligent
Strong
Really really ridiculously good lookin'?
Not physically attractive yet have charisma
Physically attractive with meh personality
Do you feel this way about yourself from the opinions of others or do you feel it about yourself?
The way people view themselves vs the way they are viewed by others is usually 2 totally different animals.
It can, sometimes be spot on. Rarely, yet, just like rainbows in Arizona, it happens from time to time.
Personally?
I feel that I am average in looks, above average in compassion, intelligence, kindness. Slowly, with the help of my PT, Katie, my strength & fitness level is coming up to be where I want to be.
In my heart & mind, I am a simple, sweet, girl next door with a heart of gold.
Being honest, kind, compassionate, truthful & intuitive comes to me very easily.
Something that seems spot on, to me, is that, when a person really likes or loves another person, that persons faults, flaws & little quirks are seen as endearing, cute, funny.
When one person dislikes another, those same characteristics that one person found as favorable, will annoy the one who dislikes them.
It can boil down to insecurities, past experience, intimidation & a myriad of many factors.
Chemistry!
Yeah baby!
Connection!
Oh yeah!
That's when the sparks fly & it causes, umm, excitement. Sometimes it goes both ways, sometimes it's simply, sadly, one-sided.
I have mostly experienced the both ways type whether I acknowledged it or not. The one sided one sux!
Maybe, it's because I'm a very feminine girl who isn't a chaser. The ones who have caught up with me, were the ones initiating & they also kept contacting me.
Best to be busy & into your own life, the ones who are meant to be in your life will be there. The ones who don't or won't will not be.
It's basic biology in the human species ~ The sperm chases the egg.
It's a very unnatural occurrence for eggs to hop out of a girl in search of sperm.
Go ahead & laugh!
It's funny, isn't it?
You know it's true!
See yourself as wonderful, positive, worthy, be nice while doing it.
Confidence without cockiness is very attractive!
L8erz!
Saturday, February 11, 2017
True Confessions (cheesy title, riiiiight!)
So, the tune stuck in my head, Bad Things.
I like it because, it's so...........ME!
The sexy breathy voice which people tell me I have. Dude! I just talk & woop,there it is. The declaration slash confession that chikkie likes "bad things" that she wants to do "bad things" to the lucky guy, getting lucky! Ha Ha, Yup!
That's me, lol!
This is a coded message.
💝🛁🎉🛏🏮🎡✈️🎯🎿🍰🍷🍾🆘🔐🎌🚀🎂🍦🌮🍌🌪🍀🦀🙊🙈🙉🐵💌💍👗👔
Figure it out, win the prize!
Laterz Baby!
I like it because, it's so...........ME!
The sexy breathy voice which people tell me I have. Dude! I just talk & woop,there it is. The declaration slash confession that chikkie likes "bad things" that she wants to do "bad things" to the lucky guy, getting lucky! Ha Ha, Yup!
That's me, lol!
This is a coded message.
💝🛁🎉🛏🏮🎡✈️🎯🎿🍰🍷🍾🆘🔐🎌🚀🎂🍦🌮🍌🌪🍀🦀🙊🙈🙉🐵💌💍👗👔
Figure it out, win the prize!
Laterz Baby!
Friday, February 10, 2017
Hanging On
How do you hang on?
Do you tie a knot to hold?
Dig heels in deep
Praying that you won't fold?
How do you go through the day?
With a pretend smile on your face?
With a beaten up and scarred heart
Wounds that time cannot erase
How do you steel yourself against
Daily assaults on your heart
Putting it back together again
Only to have it again fall apart
As humans we all do the best we can
Fragile mortals though we all are
Licking our wounds so raw
Wishing for hope on an evening star
Only wishing for some creature comfort
To love others who love us in return
Stay the course is what we're told
Live and learn and try not to be burned or to burn
Love is the strongest force in the Universe
Or, so I have always been told
So I give love to myself and to others
Watching its' effects as they unfold
Hang in there, hang on
Better days are coming
With family and with friends
Hold
On
Pain
End
Do you tie a knot to hold?
Dig heels in deep
Praying that you won't fold?
How do you go through the day?
With a pretend smile on your face?
With a beaten up and scarred heart
Wounds that time cannot erase
How do you steel yourself against
Daily assaults on your heart
Putting it back together again
Only to have it again fall apart
As humans we all do the best we can
Fragile mortals though we all are
Licking our wounds so raw
Wishing for hope on an evening star
Only wishing for some creature comfort
To love others who love us in return
Stay the course is what we're told
Live and learn and try not to be burned or to burn
Love is the strongest force in the Universe
Or, so I have always been told
So I give love to myself and to others
Watching its' effects as they unfold
Hang in there, hang on
Better days are coming
With family and with friends
Hold
On
Pain
End
"Bad Girl" Thaangs!
Maybe all girls have it, maybe they have it until older age, maybe, they have it & keep it hidden, maybe some girls never had it.
What is "IT"?
The Bad Girl self!
Yeah, I will admit, I have always had it, I keep it hidden most of the time. People look at me, they see a fresh faced, somewhat innocent "girl next door", this is how I have been told I appear.
For the most part?
Compared to some girls? Yes, I suppose I could be considered a bit of an innocent, a bit naive.
Those who are trustworthy, tend to be more trusting.
While I am less trusting than I used to be, I still believe that there are more good, trustworthy people in the world than there are of the "other variety".
Still, trust, then verify! The internet makes this such a snap!
There is a tune that has been on the air as of late. The chik starts it out, in a breathy, sexy, girlie voice:
**********************************************
"Am I out of my head?
Am I outta my mind?
If you only knew the bad things I like!
Don't think that I can explain it
What can I say, it's complicated
Don't matter what you say
Don't matter what you do
I only wanna do bad things to you
So good that you can't explain it"
Bad Things by Machine Gun Kelly & Camila Cabello
************************************************
So, yeah, that says it all!
It's so frkn HOTT!
I have the song stuck in my head.
Know what?
I like it, I want to keep it in my head. It speaks to my "bad girl" side in a fun, sweet, playful way.
Just the way I like it!
What is "IT"?
The Bad Girl self!
Yeah, I will admit, I have always had it, I keep it hidden most of the time. People look at me, they see a fresh faced, somewhat innocent "girl next door", this is how I have been told I appear.
For the most part?
Compared to some girls? Yes, I suppose I could be considered a bit of an innocent, a bit naive.
Those who are trustworthy, tend to be more trusting.
While I am less trusting than I used to be, I still believe that there are more good, trustworthy people in the world than there are of the "other variety".
Still, trust, then verify! The internet makes this such a snap!
There is a tune that has been on the air as of late. The chik starts it out, in a breathy, sexy, girlie voice:
**********************************************
"Am I out of my head?
Am I outta my mind?
If you only knew the bad things I like!
Don't think that I can explain it
What can I say, it's complicated
Don't matter what you say
Don't matter what you do
I only wanna do bad things to you
So good that you can't explain it"
Bad Things by Machine Gun Kelly & Camila Cabello
************************************************
So, yeah, that says it all!
It's so frkn HOTT!
I have the song stuck in my head.
Know what?
I like it, I want to keep it in my head. It speaks to my "bad girl" side in a fun, sweet, playful way.
Just the way I like it!
Thursday, February 9, 2017
Baby, I Lied
What would you call a person who feels deeply, cares deeply, has to self protect to survive, emotionally?
I would call that person ~ myself.
Being sensitive has its benefits, pitfalls, perks, etc. Along with being emotionally sensitive, there is also a sharper intuition than most people have, yet many are unaware they have it. It's a spiritual awareness of the world around them.
The buzz kill?
Being in public, in crowds of people, I tend to become overloaded with the energy around me.
Although, this has been greatly heightened by PTSD caused by MST from the time I served in the USAF, being in crowds of people is difficult for me.
Before the PTSD diagnosis by a Psychologist, I thought I just hated shopping. My mantra was, "If you want to show me a good time, get me on a horse, take me hiking or to the gym during slow hours. Anything besides shopping!"
Before serving in the USAF, I loved to go shopping!
Now, I realize that being in a crowd of people, creeping me out, is one of the symptoms of PTSD.
Being hyper intuitive isn't like the Hollywood movies about "the 6th sense", although it can be, at times. Reading other peoples minds, finding lost items or people will happen at random vs being a voluntary, controlled event. It's a natural state of being for all people who will listen to the still, small voice whispering to them.
Hollywood has perverted, distorted & otherwise given the erroneous idea of what it's like to have strong intuition.
Now, the buzz kill side to it.
When I truly love another person, I love them deeply, for as long as I will live, I will love them. In order to erase this love, they have to intentionally deal a HUGE amount of pain to me. Otherwise, I will love that person just as deeply as I did while they were in my life, physically.
A dear friend, who knows me better than anyone, who has known me for most of my life, saw me doing what she termed as a
"Pre-emptive Strike".
Such as, when someone I love would hurt me so deeply, yet, because I love them so much, I couldn't extricate myself from them, I would do something to cause them to extricate themselves from me. Of course, this was VERY UNHEALTHY for both myself and the other person.
It's the teen-age phone game, when having a phone conversation & neither person can make themselves hang up, so they both sit there waiting for the other to disconnect the call. Trading emotional pain for emotional pain, both people taking turns coming back for more.
My "Pre-emptive Strike" was painful for me to employ, painful for the other person to receive. It was my way of ripping the band-aid off, clean. A blast of pain, then, the person would withdraw, the healing could begin, for me, without the pain they had been causing for me, whether intentional or unintentional.
Missing them, still loving them, keeping them in my heart.
I would tell myself, the person didn't really care about me, as they said they did, since they withdrew so easily.
I would tell myself, the person would move on, easily, never looking back, as I was not even a blip on their radar.
I would tell myself, the love I feel, in my heart, will eventually die.
LIES! All LIES!
Isn't it amazing, the things a person can tell themselves just to be able to survive, emotionally???
Well, I'm amazed by it!
From my perspective, I still love, still care, will miss them forever!
For this reason, the only song that can make me cry is an older country song.
NO!
It's not about beer, cheatin' hearts, trains, rain or sung by Hank Williams!
YES!
I love country music, get over it.
The song is sung by Deborah Allen ~ Baby, I Lied.
It vividly describes me, touches deep, so close to home, it's a magnet on my fridge. lol. You probably get the idea!
Since my dear friend, pointed out the nullifying effect of
Pre-emptive Strike, I have grown, learned, changed, however, the song can still move me to from misty-eyed to sobs. *sigh*
Oh the wonderful benefit of having such a good friend, who will be honest with me, coated with kindness while still giving a clear message.
Along my path in life, there's so much more to learn, so much more growth to experience.
Learn & grow & feel the glow!
L8erz!
I would call that person ~ myself.
Being sensitive has its benefits, pitfalls, perks, etc. Along with being emotionally sensitive, there is also a sharper intuition than most people have, yet many are unaware they have it. It's a spiritual awareness of the world around them.
The buzz kill?
Being in public, in crowds of people, I tend to become overloaded with the energy around me.
Although, this has been greatly heightened by PTSD caused by MST from the time I served in the USAF, being in crowds of people is difficult for me.
Before the PTSD diagnosis by a Psychologist, I thought I just hated shopping. My mantra was, "If you want to show me a good time, get me on a horse, take me hiking or to the gym during slow hours. Anything besides shopping!"
Before serving in the USAF, I loved to go shopping!
Now, I realize that being in a crowd of people, creeping me out, is one of the symptoms of PTSD.
Being hyper intuitive isn't like the Hollywood movies about "the 6th sense", although it can be, at times. Reading other peoples minds, finding lost items or people will happen at random vs being a voluntary, controlled event. It's a natural state of being for all people who will listen to the still, small voice whispering to them.
Hollywood has perverted, distorted & otherwise given the erroneous idea of what it's like to have strong intuition.
Now, the buzz kill side to it.
When I truly love another person, I love them deeply, for as long as I will live, I will love them. In order to erase this love, they have to intentionally deal a HUGE amount of pain to me. Otherwise, I will love that person just as deeply as I did while they were in my life, physically.
A dear friend, who knows me better than anyone, who has known me for most of my life, saw me doing what she termed as a
"Pre-emptive Strike".
Such as, when someone I love would hurt me so deeply, yet, because I love them so much, I couldn't extricate myself from them, I would do something to cause them to extricate themselves from me. Of course, this was VERY UNHEALTHY for both myself and the other person.
It's the teen-age phone game, when having a phone conversation & neither person can make themselves hang up, so they both sit there waiting for the other to disconnect the call. Trading emotional pain for emotional pain, both people taking turns coming back for more.
My "Pre-emptive Strike" was painful for me to employ, painful for the other person to receive. It was my way of ripping the band-aid off, clean. A blast of pain, then, the person would withdraw, the healing could begin, for me, without the pain they had been causing for me, whether intentional or unintentional.
Missing them, still loving them, keeping them in my heart.
I would tell myself, the person didn't really care about me, as they said they did, since they withdrew so easily.
I would tell myself, the person would move on, easily, never looking back, as I was not even a blip on their radar.
I would tell myself, the love I feel, in my heart, will eventually die.
LIES! All LIES!
Isn't it amazing, the things a person can tell themselves just to be able to survive, emotionally???
Well, I'm amazed by it!
From my perspective, I still love, still care, will miss them forever!
For this reason, the only song that can make me cry is an older country song.
NO!
It's not about beer, cheatin' hearts, trains, rain or sung by Hank Williams!
YES!
I love country music, get over it.
The song is sung by Deborah Allen ~ Baby, I Lied.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MBd-q9LvUDk
It vividly describes me, touches deep, so close to home, it's a magnet on my fridge. lol. You probably get the idea!
Since my dear friend, pointed out the nullifying effect of
Pre-emptive Strike, I have grown, learned, changed, however, the song can still move me to from misty-eyed to sobs. *sigh*
Oh the wonderful benefit of having such a good friend, who will be honest with me, coated with kindness while still giving a clear message.
Along my path in life, there's so much more to learn, so much more growth to experience.
Learn & grow & feel the glow!
L8erz!
Wednesday, February 8, 2017
Heavy on my Heart
This has been laying heavy on my heart for awhile, now.
It's something that many people experience. I have company in this. Honestly? I would wish to have less company in this matter.
It's pain filled, unfair, guaranteed to cause regret in later years for the perpetrators of this crime of the heart.
Being a mother is something I absolutely loved. From the moment I felt the "shift" in hormones in my body, then, knowing what it meant. The first time was very scary.
In my naivete I knew how the baby got in there, I had no clue how it was going to get out! I had been married for 1.5 years when my first baby was born.
My husband, at the time, was angry with me for "getting myself pregnant". When I told him I was expecting our first child, he went to stay at his parents home for 3 days. He only "came around" when his mother told him that he had to treat me well so that the baby would love him when it was born.
Something was in it for him, so, only then, did he man up!
Sex was not discussed in my original family. Not by my mother except when she said, "If it feels good do it!"
My father definitely didn't discuss sex or reproduction at all.
My mother was quite cruel, a diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic, selfish, manic depressive, abusive at times. My father was a raging alcoholic for most of my childhood. He was verbally abusive as well as violently physically & emotionally abusive.
I decided that my children would have a better childhood. I would be a better mother than mine had been. My parents were not very good examples, so, I saw them as horrible warnings of how NOT to be good parents.
I didn't have much knowledge to use, so, I did my very best, teaching them life skills that would help them when they moved out into the world on their own.
Was I the perfect parent?
No, yet, I sure did try as hard as I could.
Were my children sweet little angels?
No, they were not, yet, to hear them tell of their childhoods, they were innocent little angels and I was a wicked witch of a mother.
This is sometimes what happens when one parent has to be the disciplinarian, to BE the parent, while the other parent doesn't want to grow up, wants to be a "friend " to the children.
In spite of the ex-huzz acting like one of the children, I taught my children that whatever their father was, they were to show respect for him.
Unfortunately, the ex-huzz taught my children that I was of little value, that they didn't have to listen to their mother or show respect. He often said,
"Your mother doesn't know anything."
"Your mom doesn't know what she's talking about."
"You don't have to listen to your mother, she's delusional."
As a result, I have spent the last 10 years after the divorce, putting that respect in place.
My oldest daughter doesn't have much courtesy toward me. She rarely answers her phone when I call, doesn't call back until a week or so, later. When a relationship has no nurturing, it suffers.
She declares with words, that she wants me to have a relationship with her 3 daughters, yet, her actions say otherwise.
I was so excited to be asked to spend Christmas with her family.......until she offered me a BUS TICKET and an AIR MATTRESS!
Sub par offerings considering her husband is a Captain USAF.
That's such a lack of respect. If I had given her the same sub par treatment as a child she would not be where she is, today.
Second daughter is so toxic, so hate filled, I had to sever connection with her as she lied to me so much, spewed hate at me on multiple occasions. She even told me that I had never earned her respect. Yeah. 18 years of sacrifice on her behalf, above & beyond what is required in parenting. Wonderful Christmases, Birthday parties that required hours upon hours of preparation.
She's still angry with me for divorcing her abusive father. She couldn't hold her first marriage together for even 5 years, yet, she faults me for divorcing after a long marriage, which turned abusive. I gave him opportunity to change. According to him, I was the one with all of the problems, not him.
She was a difficult child, yet, she was my child and I was going to be there for her. I was not a perfect mother, yet, I did try to be.
Third child, a son, he's off in his own world of cars, girlfriends, work. It's rare when I hear from him. He idolizes his weakling father. Daddy has lots of money & gives it to his son, so, it keeps him in touch with daddy. My son has a good heart, a heart of gold, he is working hard to make it in the world. It's difficult to do.
My youngest, a daughter, is working hard at a prestigious University toward an Engineering Degree. She's working, going to school, working toward personal growth. She and I had to get over some relationship hurdles, yet, we hung in there, together, to develop this close & loving relationship that we have.
We speak by phone or FaceTime every Sunday.
I love this!
She and I both speak our minds to each other with respect. We also have a "safety word" just in case one of us needs a change of subject in the conversation.
One child out of four, reaches out to me on a regular basis, backs her words with actions, tells me she loves me then shows me.
I love this youngest daughter of mine, yet, it does break my heart that the other three, who I sacrificed for, body, mind, spirit, care very little about me.
It hurts, it hurts a lot, yet, as time goes by, I see the other three less and less, I hear from them less and less. The searing pain in my heart is turning to apathy.
Hopefully, soon, I will have as little caring for them as they do, for me.
In the ten years since the divorce, I have seen how I damaged myself. I taught my children to love & respect their father, so, now, they love & respect him.
Their father taught them that I was of little value, unworthy of respect, so, now this is how 3 of my 4 children treat me.
It's sad.
Don't tell me they will "come around", I won't wait for that.
I feel my apathy toward them taking over, in my heart. It's a comfort, it's a healing balm to stop caring for those who don't care for me.
For now?
I keep moving forward, working on my fitness goals, ridding myself of possessions. Discovering new aspects of life.
Forward, always forward, with more hope, more love, more excitement to see what each new day brings!
What will it bring?
Stay tuned!
It's something that many people experience. I have company in this. Honestly? I would wish to have less company in this matter.
It's pain filled, unfair, guaranteed to cause regret in later years for the perpetrators of this crime of the heart.
Being a mother is something I absolutely loved. From the moment I felt the "shift" in hormones in my body, then, knowing what it meant. The first time was very scary.
In my naivete I knew how the baby got in there, I had no clue how it was going to get out! I had been married for 1.5 years when my first baby was born.
My husband, at the time, was angry with me for "getting myself pregnant". When I told him I was expecting our first child, he went to stay at his parents home for 3 days. He only "came around" when his mother told him that he had to treat me well so that the baby would love him when it was born.
Something was in it for him, so, only then, did he man up!
Sex was not discussed in my original family. Not by my mother except when she said, "If it feels good do it!"
My father definitely didn't discuss sex or reproduction at all.
My mother was quite cruel, a diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic, selfish, manic depressive, abusive at times. My father was a raging alcoholic for most of my childhood. He was verbally abusive as well as violently physically & emotionally abusive.
I decided that my children would have a better childhood. I would be a better mother than mine had been. My parents were not very good examples, so, I saw them as horrible warnings of how NOT to be good parents.
I didn't have much knowledge to use, so, I did my very best, teaching them life skills that would help them when they moved out into the world on their own.
Was I the perfect parent?
No, yet, I sure did try as hard as I could.
Were my children sweet little angels?
No, they were not, yet, to hear them tell of their childhoods, they were innocent little angels and I was a wicked witch of a mother.
This is sometimes what happens when one parent has to be the disciplinarian, to BE the parent, while the other parent doesn't want to grow up, wants to be a "friend " to the children.
In spite of the ex-huzz acting like one of the children, I taught my children that whatever their father was, they were to show respect for him.
Unfortunately, the ex-huzz taught my children that I was of little value, that they didn't have to listen to their mother or show respect. He often said,
"Your mother doesn't know anything."
"Your mom doesn't know what she's talking about."
"You don't have to listen to your mother, she's delusional."
As a result, I have spent the last 10 years after the divorce, putting that respect in place.
My oldest daughter doesn't have much courtesy toward me. She rarely answers her phone when I call, doesn't call back until a week or so, later. When a relationship has no nurturing, it suffers.
She declares with words, that she wants me to have a relationship with her 3 daughters, yet, her actions say otherwise.
I was so excited to be asked to spend Christmas with her family.......until she offered me a BUS TICKET and an AIR MATTRESS!
Sub par offerings considering her husband is a Captain USAF.
That's such a lack of respect. If I had given her the same sub par treatment as a child she would not be where she is, today.
Second daughter is so toxic, so hate filled, I had to sever connection with her as she lied to me so much, spewed hate at me on multiple occasions. She even told me that I had never earned her respect. Yeah. 18 years of sacrifice on her behalf, above & beyond what is required in parenting. Wonderful Christmases, Birthday parties that required hours upon hours of preparation.
She's still angry with me for divorcing her abusive father. She couldn't hold her first marriage together for even 5 years, yet, she faults me for divorcing after a long marriage, which turned abusive. I gave him opportunity to change. According to him, I was the one with all of the problems, not him.
She was a difficult child, yet, she was my child and I was going to be there for her. I was not a perfect mother, yet, I did try to be.
Third child, a son, he's off in his own world of cars, girlfriends, work. It's rare when I hear from him. He idolizes his weakling father. Daddy has lots of money & gives it to his son, so, it keeps him in touch with daddy. My son has a good heart, a heart of gold, he is working hard to make it in the world. It's difficult to do.
My youngest, a daughter, is working hard at a prestigious University toward an Engineering Degree. She's working, going to school, working toward personal growth. She and I had to get over some relationship hurdles, yet, we hung in there, together, to develop this close & loving relationship that we have.
We speak by phone or FaceTime every Sunday.
I love this!
She and I both speak our minds to each other with respect. We also have a "safety word" just in case one of us needs a change of subject in the conversation.
One child out of four, reaches out to me on a regular basis, backs her words with actions, tells me she loves me then shows me.
I love this youngest daughter of mine, yet, it does break my heart that the other three, who I sacrificed for, body, mind, spirit, care very little about me.
It hurts, it hurts a lot, yet, as time goes by, I see the other three less and less, I hear from them less and less. The searing pain in my heart is turning to apathy.
Hopefully, soon, I will have as little caring for them as they do, for me.
In the ten years since the divorce, I have seen how I damaged myself. I taught my children to love & respect their father, so, now, they love & respect him.
Their father taught them that I was of little value, unworthy of respect, so, now this is how 3 of my 4 children treat me.
It's sad.
Don't tell me they will "come around", I won't wait for that.
I feel my apathy toward them taking over, in my heart. It's a comfort, it's a healing balm to stop caring for those who don't care for me.
For now?
I keep moving forward, working on my fitness goals, ridding myself of possessions. Discovering new aspects of life.
Forward, always forward, with more hope, more love, more excitement to see what each new day brings!
What will it bring?
Stay tuned!
Tuesday, February 7, 2017
Kiss it Goodbye
There are elements of truth in everything. Many agencies use this to their advantage. Tell lies with kernels of truth in them, the lie seems more believable.
What if there is more than a kernel even though it's still a lie. Even more believable.
Playing the " what if " game, today. *smile*
My daddy was annoyed by the "what if " discussion. He would pipe up with "What if pigs flew outta mah ass!" Smart alec that I am & was, even as a child. I would answer him with, "Daddy, what if it was ponies or puppies?" He would whip his leather belt off & the "what if" game ended badly for me.
Astrology fascinates me, I believe less in it as an absolute, more as having 50/50 truth.
My birthday is July 14, Bastille Day in France, this makes my Sun sign as Cancer.
Being a true Cancerian Girl, the description describes me nearly 100%. Look up Cancer Astrological Sign in a dictionary, my photo will most likely be right next to it! JK!
According to the description of Cancerians, they hold on to anything, everything, anyone & everyone. They have a hard time letting go. It's something I have struggled with all throughout my life. Around 10 years ago, I conquered the "holding onto things" characteristic.
Recently, I conquered the "holding onto people" curse.
This is something I have been working on in the course of bettering myself. I still had photos of people who I still care deeply about who are no longer in my life, who have not been in my life for 8 - 10 years. I loved looking at their photos. It was somehow comforting to me.
In reality, it was holding me back.
This morning, the work to let go of people, paid off. If I had the photos in hard copy, I shredded them, saying good bye, blowing kisses, wishing them well. They are out of my life, their pictures are gone, the love I feel for them stays in my heart. It's the way I am.
Afterward, I went to each of my electronic devices to delete the photos then, delete them permanently.
Going forward is healthier, better.
You could say I should have done this a long time ago, yet, I wasn't ready, wasn't there, quite yet.
Maybe, it's because of working with this AWESOME personal trainer, 1 hour of killer training M - F.
My body is changing, I can FEEL the changes! My abs feel tighter, my glutes are already a bit higher & more defined.
As my body changes, it seems, my mind is changing, too! I was a bit stuck in a fitness rut, needed some drastic change. These workouts are definitely changing me.
This morning as I was blowing kisses, wishing well, giving blessings upon people I still love very much, I felt my heart change, felt my mind change. Also, I felt my countenance change. Felt it in my soul.
Perhaps this gives credence, for me, anyway to ~
Heal the body, heal the mind!
What if there is more than a kernel even though it's still a lie. Even more believable.
Playing the " what if " game, today. *smile*
My daddy was annoyed by the "what if " discussion. He would pipe up with "What if pigs flew outta mah ass!" Smart alec that I am & was, even as a child. I would answer him with, "Daddy, what if it was ponies or puppies?" He would whip his leather belt off & the "what if" game ended badly for me.
Astrology fascinates me, I believe less in it as an absolute, more as having 50/50 truth.
My birthday is July 14, Bastille Day in France, this makes my Sun sign as Cancer.
Being a true Cancerian Girl, the description describes me nearly 100%. Look up Cancer Astrological Sign in a dictionary, my photo will most likely be right next to it! JK!
According to the description of Cancerians, they hold on to anything, everything, anyone & everyone. They have a hard time letting go. It's something I have struggled with all throughout my life. Around 10 years ago, I conquered the "holding onto things" characteristic.
Recently, I conquered the "holding onto people" curse.
This is something I have been working on in the course of bettering myself. I still had photos of people who I still care deeply about who are no longer in my life, who have not been in my life for 8 - 10 years. I loved looking at their photos. It was somehow comforting to me.
In reality, it was holding me back.
This morning, the work to let go of people, paid off. If I had the photos in hard copy, I shredded them, saying good bye, blowing kisses, wishing them well. They are out of my life, their pictures are gone, the love I feel for them stays in my heart. It's the way I am.
Afterward, I went to each of my electronic devices to delete the photos then, delete them permanently.
Going forward is healthier, better.
You could say I should have done this a long time ago, yet, I wasn't ready, wasn't there, quite yet.
Maybe, it's because of working with this AWESOME personal trainer, 1 hour of killer training M - F.
My body is changing, I can FEEL the changes! My abs feel tighter, my glutes are already a bit higher & more defined.
As my body changes, it seems, my mind is changing, too! I was a bit stuck in a fitness rut, needed some drastic change. These workouts are definitely changing me.
This morning as I was blowing kisses, wishing well, giving blessings upon people I still love very much, I felt my heart change, felt my mind change. Also, I felt my countenance change. Felt it in my soul.
Perhaps this gives credence, for me, anyway to ~
Heal the body, heal the mind!
Monday, February 6, 2017
Testo or Estro?
BOTH!
I'm talking about (to help you track the dialogue!) Talking about testosterone & estrogen.
It isn't love that makes the human species keep procreating!
It's hormones, baby!
Most people have them, some have more, some have less.
Testosterone ~ Typically a male hormone that drives guys, everywhere, sometimes to places they should have steered clear of.
Girls have it, too, some have more, some have less, very few females have the same amount of it as guys do, yet, there are a few.
Estrogen ~ Typically a female hormone, although guys do have a small amount of it, some have more, some have less. Hopefully, there are very few guys who have as much estrogen as a girl.
A few years ago, I participated in a study that was done by a group of college students, studying testosterone in women. Interesting?
In the study, they put me in the very top, which means, I have, naturally, higher testosterone than most women.
Wow!
This explains my high energy level! Have always been a high energy person, no signs of slowing down.
From this study, here are a few things I have learned:
~ Fish oil does not contain testosterone, yet, it's enzymes free up whatever testosterone is in the body when taken orally.
~ In protein shakes & powders, soy protein is estrogen, whey protein is testosterone.
~ Drinking alcoholic beverages causes whatever estrogen is in the body, to be activated.
~ Tofu and all other soy products are estrogen.
Other foods containing estrogen ~
Flax seeds, sesame seeds, dried fruits, chick peas (hummus), peas, beans, soy milk, bran cereals.
Foods containing testosterone:
~ Tuna
~ Egg yolks
~ Anything fortified with Vitamin D
~ Oysters
~ Shell fish (lobster, crab, shrimp)
~ Beef
~ White, kidney & black beans
Estrogen blockers:
(this will block the hormone, the ladies will still like you!)
~Cruciferous vegetables such as broccoli, cauliflower, cabbage, brussels sprouts, bok choi, kale.
Foods & drink that lower testosterone:
Black Licorice (one of my favorites!)
Anything with any species of mint in it
Alcohol drinks
Any soy products
Eating too many vegetables, not much protein
Disclaimer:
I am NOT a medical doctor.
Who I am, is a simple girl on a fitness quest, studying & looking for more information always.
Sharing knowledge to help others with what I have learned, is my intent.
Be well!
I'm talking about (to help you track the dialogue!) Talking about testosterone & estrogen.
It isn't love that makes the human species keep procreating!
It's hormones, baby!
Most people have them, some have more, some have less.
Testosterone ~ Typically a male hormone that drives guys, everywhere, sometimes to places they should have steered clear of.
Girls have it, too, some have more, some have less, very few females have the same amount of it as guys do, yet, there are a few.
Estrogen ~ Typically a female hormone, although guys do have a small amount of it, some have more, some have less. Hopefully, there are very few guys who have as much estrogen as a girl.
A few years ago, I participated in a study that was done by a group of college students, studying testosterone in women. Interesting?
In the study, they put me in the very top, which means, I have, naturally, higher testosterone than most women.
Wow!
This explains my high energy level! Have always been a high energy person, no signs of slowing down.
From this study, here are a few things I have learned:
~ Fish oil does not contain testosterone, yet, it's enzymes free up whatever testosterone is in the body when taken orally.
~ In protein shakes & powders, soy protein is estrogen, whey protein is testosterone.
~ Drinking alcoholic beverages causes whatever estrogen is in the body, to be activated.
~ Tofu and all other soy products are estrogen.
Other foods containing estrogen ~
Flax seeds, sesame seeds, dried fruits, chick peas (hummus), peas, beans, soy milk, bran cereals.
Foods containing testosterone:
~ Tuna
~ Egg yolks
~ Anything fortified with Vitamin D
~ Oysters
~ Shell fish (lobster, crab, shrimp)
~ Beef
~ White, kidney & black beans
Estrogen blockers:
(this will block the hormone, the ladies will still like you!)
~Cruciferous vegetables such as broccoli, cauliflower, cabbage, brussels sprouts, bok choi, kale.
Foods & drink that lower testosterone:
Black Licorice (one of my favorites!)
Anything with any species of mint in it
Alcohol drinks
Any soy products
Eating too many vegetables, not much protein
Disclaimer:
I am NOT a medical doctor.
Who I am, is a simple girl on a fitness quest, studying & looking for more information always.
Sharing knowledge to help others with what I have learned, is my intent.
Be well!
Friday, February 3, 2017
I Believe
Okay, peeps, it's coming up whether you like it or not! Just as sure as the sun will eventually rise, just as sure as death & taxes!
Whether you are single, married, shacking up, screwing around (single or married) or in something complicated ~ Valentines Day!
I have remained single for 10 years by choice. Working on myself, making myself into the best version of myself that I can.
Physically ~ Hittin' the gym, eating clean.
Mentally ~ Only keeping healthy relationships in my life, most go away on their own, some of them needed a little help. *smile*
Emotionally ~ Nurturing myself inside out.
Spiritually ~ Worked my way back to my faith. Finally able to say morning & evening prayers & read evening scripture without becoming enraged.
Through it all, I have always believed in love.
Love for that higher power
Love for self
Love for others
Love for animals
Love for the world
Love in my heart to give when it's safe
The strongest force in the Universe is love.
This is the reason, I celebrate Valentines Day in my own unique way. I hope the guys reading this are still here, avoiding being jaded by the demands placed on them by the females in your lives on Valentines Day.
Keep tracking!
For the last 10 years, since I have been single, I have made it my way of celebrating the pseudo holiday in a real way.
If money is there, I order 1 dozen red roses,I tie one long strand of red & 1 of white onto each individual rose. As I go through my day, I hand 1 rose to people who I either know or don't know, who seem like they need a bit of love.
If the money isn't there for flowers, as the floral prices get jacked up to almost triple around Feb 14, I have a plan B!
Plan B: Buy a bag of Hersheys Kisses in red & silver, divide the whole bag into 12 groups of "kisses". Wrap in cellophane individually, tie 1 red & 1 white strand of curling ribbon.
Plan C: Buy a package of the "message candy hearts". As I see each potential recipient, I ask their name, then write it on the box, hand it to them saying,
"Happy Valentines Day"
Have only gone to plan "C" 3 time in 10 years.
If I had to develop a "Plan D", I have a very fertile imagination! Very creative!
With this long diatribe, the message is that Valentines Day is about love and not JUST about the demands on guys to deliver.
Guys need love, too!
Yes, yes you do!
So if you're single in any capacity?
Happy _alentines _ay if you're not getting the V or the D!
Whether you are single, married, shacking up, screwing around (single or married) or in something complicated ~ Valentines Day!
I have remained single for 10 years by choice. Working on myself, making myself into the best version of myself that I can.
Physically ~ Hittin' the gym, eating clean.
Mentally ~ Only keeping healthy relationships in my life, most go away on their own, some of them needed a little help. *smile*
Emotionally ~ Nurturing myself inside out.
Spiritually ~ Worked my way back to my faith. Finally able to say morning & evening prayers & read evening scripture without becoming enraged.
Through it all, I have always believed in love.
Love for that higher power
Love for self
Love for others
Love for animals
Love for the world
Love in my heart to give when it's safe
The strongest force in the Universe is love.
This is the reason, I celebrate Valentines Day in my own unique way. I hope the guys reading this are still here, avoiding being jaded by the demands placed on them by the females in your lives on Valentines Day.
Keep tracking!
For the last 10 years, since I have been single, I have made it my way of celebrating the pseudo holiday in a real way.
If money is there, I order 1 dozen red roses,I tie one long strand of red & 1 of white onto each individual rose. As I go through my day, I hand 1 rose to people who I either know or don't know, who seem like they need a bit of love.
If the money isn't there for flowers, as the floral prices get jacked up to almost triple around Feb 14, I have a plan B!
Plan B: Buy a bag of Hersheys Kisses in red & silver, divide the whole bag into 12 groups of "kisses". Wrap in cellophane individually, tie 1 red & 1 white strand of curling ribbon.
Plan C: Buy a package of the "message candy hearts". As I see each potential recipient, I ask their name, then write it on the box, hand it to them saying,
"Happy Valentines Day"
Have only gone to plan "C" 3 time in 10 years.
If I had to develop a "Plan D", I have a very fertile imagination! Very creative!
With this long diatribe, the message is that Valentines Day is about love and not JUST about the demands on guys to deliver.
Guys need love, too!
Yes, yes you do!
So if you're single in any capacity?
Happy _alentines _ay if you're not getting the V or the D!
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PJ & Me
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