Attachment & Severing From Cheeky Feckers

There are so many people out there in the world. Walking around with an emptiness inside. The world tells people that in order to be accepted by the world, people have to be in couples. Cue in the song:

You're Nobody 'Til Somebody Loves You

A perfect recipe for rampant codependency.

REALLY? REALLY NOW?

The sentiment of the song is well intentioned, I'm sure. However, it sends a dangerous message. The idea that there are thousands of nobody's out there in the world who are nobody's, predicated upon their marital status or their relationship status.

Single
Widowed
Divorced
Married
Separated
Widower

If you think these are romantic terms, umm, nope. These classifications were established by the government for taxation purposes. It makes me laugh, inside my head, when someone tells me they are "Separated". 

Most often, it means that their spouse is at home with the children whilst they are out, away from their home, acting as if they were "Single", as in never married. 
Male or female, it can be either.
A person saying they are "Separated", though only geographically, while implying it is a legal separation are practicing deep deceit. They should be ashamed, while mostly, they enjoy the feeling of getting away with something.

Then, there are those people who are shacked up or hooked up in some fashion who claim they are not "Single".  Simply put, because they are doing whatever it is they do with whomever it is that they are doing it with. Until they do the blood test, get the marriage license, wear the fancy clothes, vow in front of witnesses to love, honor & cherish, eat the cake at the party? They are still single.

This endows the state of being married, because a certified person performed the ceremony to marry the two people. Married.

Most people seem to be happier with a companion, a mate, if you will, to share their life with. The world gives them more social approval because someone wanted them as a GF, BF or spouse.

The deep sadness & terror of the soul when that union is torn apart in whatever fashion for whatever reason, is gut wrenching. It causes pain & sadness to all whom it touches.

Bear with me.

One or both of those 2 people attached their hope for the future, their dreams of what they could accomplish in life, to the other person. It's a painful laceration of the psyche which takes years to recover from when the relationship ends. Some people never recover. Some people plunge, head on, into another relationship or marriage before they have recovered. 
To many people, it's easier to quash the empty feeling with another relationship than it is to do the work of healing.

Having gone through it, I had to make a colossal effort to recover. I wanted the divorce, I paid for it financially, yes, he refused to pay the $$$, so I paid,  as well as many other ways. I divorced to seek happiness in my life, so it goes.

An important lesson I learned was to never attach my happiness to another person, ever again. Equally important, I learned to attach my happiness to goals that I set for myself.
Be they large, small or somewhere in between, the satisfaction derived from accomplishing a goal is much more rewarding.
I'm in control. Whether I reach my goal is all up to me.
Something else?
The satisfaction, the delicious happiness is all mine.
If the goal is not reached, that is also mine & mine alone.

When the dust of the divorce settled, many people really expected, some even hoped, I would find someone, get married again.

For a time, I really thought that would happen, too. Making the mistake of attachment, disappointment, painful severing, repeat, repeat, repeat. 
One facet of my personality is that if I desire someone or something, usually it appeals to me for a finite amount of time. Then?
When it's clear that it's not going to happen, I lose interest, move on. Some objects are ones I pursue longer, some shorter.

The process I went through, allowing myself to adjust to being alone, was deeply painful. After so many disappointments, the realization was that I was doing it to myself.

Shifting focus to gathering lucre, creative pursuits, traveling. Also volunteering, it was so much more fulfilling, ultimately more rewarding than attaching to so many cheeky feckers.

In present day, my attachments are around goals that I set for myself. Very scant room for emotional pain, a very wide field for gratification (delayed, of course) as a precursor to bliss.

Having witnessed the pain of so many people who are single, wish they were coupled up, I have tried to explain it to them.
Nope
They have to fight the urge to merge, on their own. When a person desperately clings to the idea that it will take another person to bring them back to a happy balance, they will be disappointed. Over and over again until they either get their aha moment or are so beaten down they settle for less than they need just to have someone.
Single people in a couples world also have to have courage to swim against the current of a world designed around couples, often couples with 1 or more children.

Do I still love men?
Absolutely.

Do I ever want one?
Sometimes, yet, it's nice to have my home exactly as I like it.

Attaching my happiness to a dream goal which I'm working toward is more healthy, will give me the ultimate fulfillment.

Stay tuned!

Press My Button, Please

Right after my only son was born, I began having dreams of a very different sort. Different from those I had ever had before.

Possibly, it was due to the excess testosterone from carrying a boy vs a baby girl. He was my 3 of 4, my only son, so, this is why I hypothesize it could have been the excess testosterone.

With all of the forced changes due to the recent events, it's somewhat more of a challenge to remain positive.

PEEPS!

Most people know me as being more positive than most. Trying to keep a smile on my face at all times requires a more concerted effort. Still, I keep pressing on, doing all that is possible to remain in a positive mindset.

With that prefacing my revelation, I had one of "those" dreams last night. Prior to retiring to my bedroom, I watched a Prince concert on the smart TV. OMGoodness. He was a bad boy in a good way!!!

Do ya think it may have contributed or all out caused?!

Contents of this ultimately good dream seems to have a reset button on how I'm feeling. Attitude of fresh start, happiness, a genuine uncertified RESET BUTTON!
Happy to have this button pressed anytime!  😜

If this feeling could be bottled & sold it would be so lucretive. Lucretive, that is, until the powers that be found a way to make it illegal.

Just to be clear, I never touch illegal substances plus very few legal ones. This reset feeling came to me very naturally. 
Having had this happen occasionally, I wish there was a way to cause it to happen, to choose, to predict.

The former is more common than the latter.

Yesterday, my muscles were particularly sore from doing a lot of organizing, cleaning etc. Bending, stretching, reaching, walking from one end of the house to the other. A great remedy for this is to take a soak in the tub with water as hot as can be tolerated, adding a 2 cup measure of Sea Salt. The closest I can presently get to ocean water.
I really am a mermaid.  💙💚

The soak in Sea Salt completely relaxed me, put me into a state of bliss.
Could this be an instigator of "those" dreams?

Maybe

From whence the dreams came is unknown.

Today, I will roll with the inspiration, get schtuff done!

                                                                                                                                                                                                                        

Les Fleurs

Tulips are common
Roses overdone
Both will bloom
In the warm sun
Lilacs fade too soon
Dandelions are a weed
Poinsettias only bloom once
Orchids have too much need

The flowers I create, myself
Satisfy more than these flowers
To freeze them in time
In the stitching hours

Money vs Noney

Some of the fortunate few are born to parents who have figured out how to master their money. Give them $10. these mastering geniuses will use it to gain more. $100 or $1,000 then keep adding to it.

Many financial experts (Dave Ramsey, Robert Kiyosaki, Suze Orman) will tell you of examples they have personally seen. People who win millions in a lottery, go broke within as little as a year or sometimes less. 
Why?
They lacked money management skills. 

Money management is quite often not taught by parents, definitely not taught in school K - 12.

Right here, right now, I can tell you, I was never taught how to manage money by my parents. Many people manage their money by the principle, spend it if you have it!
See how that works for you.  😎

In truth? It's sad for those people who are living check to check. Barely getting by, keeping yourself from getting ahead.
Yep
People keep themselves from getting ahead. Then there are the ones who have learned, like the fictitious Rumplestillskin, these financial geniuses seem to be able to spin straw into gold.

Lucre, Lucre, Lucre.

The flip side of this is people who love money so much, they will lie, cheat, steal, step on anyone to get more money. Thinking they got ahead by ignoring ethics, values, morals. They may have gained money, at a huge cost. They have sold themselves down the river. Moral bankruptcy is very ruinous to the soul.

There is everything right with being wealthy. Ask any wealthy person as well as those who struggle, whom have nothing, they will agree.

The means by which as well as the attitude makes the difference.

If someone wishes to get religious about it, the misquoted passage in the Good Book states that it's THE LOVE of money that is evil.
Having a lot of money is what gives many people who have it, they have more freedom to choose.
It's "The Golden Rule", right?
The one who has the most gold gets to make the rules.
JUST KIDDING!

Although, I have seen many people use it this way.

~ People who "skim off" a bit of that which they are entrusted with, believing it's a good way to get ahead. A shot to their feet.

~ Men who shaft their ex wives, mothers of their children, letting her live in dire poverty because they withheld what they promised to do, what they should be doing. They love their money more than they could ever love the mother of their children. Their guilt eventually catches up to their thinking that their ex spouse didn't know of the evil they did to her. She knows, yep, she knows.

~ Business owners who treat their employees badly, just because they can. They have crosses hanging all over their walls in their business offices & loobies, their homes, even themselves. While they treat their employees badly. They are devoid of the Christian ethics, morals that they claim to embrace.

~ Even tele evangelists who have figuratively been caught with their pants down however, not with their wives. They praised God to get the money to flow in while they let something else flow out.

~ Gold diggers, male & female. All to support their desired lifestyle or start up a business. Yep. I have known, both publicly as well as privately, men and women who played others as well as married maybe 10% for love with the other 90% because of the resources & money to gain.

Yes, I have experienced some of this. 
I will leave it to your imagination as to which.

Dolly downer - wah-wah-waaaah

Although I have become better at money management, there is still so much I can learn. So much improvement to be made.

As a believer in L.O.A. aka Law of Attraction (that's in the Good Book, too! Proverbs 23:7) Every action as well as its outcome begins in the mind of the person involved.

When a person is drowning in a boiling pot of poverty, they have a mindset of "lack", "never have enough."

Those same people are the ones who will win a lottery, end up broke within a year or two.
Why?

No matter how much they have, they kept the mindset of poverty. It seems like being ungrateful for whatever blessing came to them. An innocent squandering while employing an attitude of lack.

Can you say, self fulfilling prophecy?
There ya go, skippy.

Here's the light at the end of the tunnel, it's beautiful!

When a person mindfully, purposely use their resources, they will have enough. Even an abundance.

In 2017, I had "something happen". With that "something', I took a friend on a fun vacation, bought & gave gifts to my loved ones. 
PEEPS!
I could have easily frittered it away. After the vacation, I came back, back to reality. I did some intelligent research, made some financially conscious decisions.
I tied the bulk of it up in investments so that I couldn't touch it, then, I put myself on a budget. Thank you Dave Ramsey!!!!

The most important change I made was my mindset.

After living in survival mode for over a decade, sometimes living with only 1 egg per day to eat. I would cut that boiled egg into 4 pieces, eating a little at a time throughout the day to keep my grumbling stomach from hurting, just barely. Sometimes, I even had oatmeal or popcorn. I kept a smile on my face, most people didn't know.
Many people didn't want to know. Some simply didn't care.

There were people from church who helped me here and there. One friend, particularly, was a godsend to me. 
Can you say, "Fun vacation!" ? Payback is sometimes good.
Being a very independent, self sufficient person, I worked to keep whatever my troubles were, to myself.
Another friend who was the only one who stuck by me when everyone except her, abandoned me for the first 3 years, post divorce, she was there for me!
So, I did have some compassionate help along the way.
Being independent, I rarely ask for help, loathe needing it.

When my "something" happened? I vowed to show gratitude for the blessing by replacing the attitude of poverty with an attitude of, I have enough. 
Replacing the mindset of poverty with an attitude abundance. Sticking to the budget I set up for myself, while still letting my "something" contribute to a feeling of having enough.
In from survival mode, on a path of happiness & gratitude.
In truth, I blew my budget a few times, adjusting to the new circumstances. 
The important part is that I learned.

You might ask what I learned. This blog entry is long enough. Probably because it's something I am passionate about.
Here are just 4 things that I do which helps save resources.

1. I rarely buy water for myself. I may buy it for others occasionally out of kindness & compassion. I keep a reusable water bottle with me. Offering to give someone a sip out of my water bottle is tacky, can be dangerous. Although, if it was someone I know very well & trust, I have done it when there was no other alternative.

2. Eat at home 90% of the time. It's healthier, still, I treat myself from time to time if I'm out with a friend or friends.

3. When I buy food, I buy the items that will expire soon with full intent as to when I will use them. I love my fresh veggies & fruit. Having always told my kiddos that if you are careful with what you have, you will most often have enough. Wasting food is like throwing money into the trash.

4. Carefully watch for those opportunities when you can double save on items you need & can use. Such as buy one get one, the clearance section. The key is, only buy it if you truly need & will use it. A lower price on an impulse buy just because it's a lower price is a waste of resources.

So, there ya go. Now that I have written a book, lol.

I wish you a clear conscience & an abundant life!

When Someone Tells You Who They Are ~ Believe Them.

I have been listening to psychology studies. You Tube vids, podcasts, even read a few articles from Psychology Today. 

Self educating is much better than self face stuffing. There are many good psychology videos, pod casts, articles out there about the fascinating study of the human mind. One series, in particular, talks about self esteem with all of its' complexity.
We have all done it at one time or another. Put ourselves down whether serious or joking, or is it joking?

There are a few telling factors. After listening to a renowned expert in psychology, Dr. Ramani Durvasala, she clears a few things up. 

The telling factor is how often a person does this, puts themselves down.

There is:

Self deprecating: A person putting themselves down in an attempt at humor while it's glaringly untrue. Such as someone renowned for being attractive, physically, stating they are in the "ugly" club.

Self defense: Some people will put themselves down as a way to guard against the envy, the jealousy of other people. Society often gives the message that they should shun compliments.

Low Self Esteem: A person may not like themselves or even hate themselves. By putting themselves down, it makes them less of a target for the hyper-criticism they have endured.

Attention Seeking: Some people feel that by putting themselves down it may draw out sympathy for them. It attracts attention from others telling them what a good or smart or funny person they are. Whatever positive reinforcement they get. They are getting the attention they seek.

Again, many people may put themselves down, yet, it's the frequency that someone does this that shows whether they mean it truly in jest or seeking attention. Seeking validation even if it's superficial, it softens self loathing if only temporarily. 
Until the next time they need to be validated..........again.

Social media is a platform which is a smorgasbord of validation for attention seekers. The person may do a full face of makeup, dress provacatively or in something new, something that highlights attractiveness, then take multiple photos. Filters with dog faces, bunnies, cats, etc garner even more attention.

Then there are those who dislike their looks. They may have issues with skin or age or eye color. There is a filter for that. In an attempt to make believe they look much better than they actually do. The validating remarks telling a girl how pretty she is, telling a guy how buff he is (even when it's not his body) are accurate indications of low self esteem.

Right here, right now, you, who are reading this. You are of great worth as a fellow human being. Who you are & what you are, is enough. The more you stop putting yourself down, fishing for validation, the more you learn to love yourself, you will begin to believe you are enough.

Beauty Sleep

🔹🔷🔹🔷🔹🔷🔹🔷🔹🔷🔹🔷🔹🔷🔹🔷🔹🔷🔹🔷🔹🔷🔹🔷🔹🔷🔹🔷🔹🔷🔹🔷🔹

'Tis such a luxury to sleep during the day
On a soft whispered prayer to float away
All cares are released in such sweet slumber
How many or few I forget the number
Drifting along amid a soft bed just until
Sleep overtakes me takes me where it will
There is naught to disturb my minds soft repose
Cheery birdsong at my window as my eyes close
Then deeper I fall as the sand man carries me away
'Tis such a luxury for me to sleep during the day

Man of My Dreams

The man who used to fill my dreams has mostly faded now
His face his voice his laugh slipped on yet I don't know how
Gripping the memory so tightly within my creative mind
Knowing that long ago I should have left his essence behind
Easier to let go of the living than one who passed through the veil
Giving so much to someone whose love if living would never fail
Some days I wish that I could die too just to be with him still
Comforting myself knowing that when my time comes I will
Living my life day by day improving that which bears refining
Smiling as I press forward while a part of me is still pining

Those Who Love You & Puppy Principle

Ask yourself, whom do you love?
Ask yourself, who loves you?

Often, they are the same. Sometimes, they are not.

I have experienced both, like so many people, it's fairly common. The tricky part is when you like someone so much, it's easy to convince yourself that they like you, too, in the same amount.
Yet, another trickiness to add to the tricky is when the other person likes you, yet, in a different way, far less or far more. The imbalance can produce pain.

Tricky

Tricky

Tricky

What could be worse?

Those sheisters become aware of your "like". A sinister agenda develops as the sheister devises a way to extract whatever it is that could fill their purposes. Many of these individuals have done it before, very practiced at using another person to gain whatever it is that will put the feather in their cap.

It could be anything.

Attention
Money
Sex
Material goods
Knowledge
Social status

Anything, really, which is more about them than it is about a balance in the interaction betwixt 2 or more people. 

That is the telling point. The lack of balance where one person receives or even demands, with very little to give back of themselves.
Also if they won't.

There is a philosopher who I have listened to, let's just say, a lot over the past several years. He has a revealing theory on this.
It is this:

There are 3 kinds of people in your life.

1.Those who hurt you
2. Those who help you
3. Those who leave you alone

Here is a bit more explanation.

1. Those who hurt you want you to stay the same, always. If you begin to change or grow, it makes them uncomfortable. Their concern is for themselves, their comfort. They don't want you to grow emotionally, spiritually, psychologically, it threatens their paradigm. However, like a beautiful green plant, if you are not growing you will become stagnant, you may even die. Even if it's only emotionally or spiritually. A little at a time, for their comfort.


2. Those who help you really want to see you succeed. Glorying in your accomplishments even when it has nothing to do with them. Content to go with you or even sit on the sidelines to watch you shine. When you need help, they endeavor their best to be there. Your happiness is important to the ones who help you.

3. Those who leave you alone will see your suffering as a nuisance, they wish to go on with their day without you bothering them or asking anything of them. Putting in the very minimum effort so that they still feel like a good person while mostly ignoring you. These are the people who say, "I'll pray for you". Usually, they don't pray for you, they will conveniently forget. Mostly, it's something people will say so that they feel like they are a good person. Also, there is no way for you to know if they did pray for you or if they didn't. Bare minimal effort. They would rather shoot a text to you than have a conversation. Their time is more valuable to them than your wellbeing.

Which of these would you believe to be beneficial to both people involved in an interaction of any nature?
Of course, the second one is the ultimate ideal.

I have devised a theory, yep, sometimes I can devise. 🤡

I call it The Puppy Principle.
(Oh, my, aren't I clever)

There are 4 people sitting on the floor in a square, approximately 6 feet apart, COVID19 style. Ha Ha!
There is an adorable puppy in the center of the square. 

1. The puppy goes to the first person all happy, wiggly, tail wagging! After all, who could resist an adorable puppy? So sweet, soft, warm, believing that the world loves them. The first person looks at the puppy with disgust, only thinking of dirt, saliva, hair.
Puppies can't read minds, have not yet learned to read people.
The person pushes the puppy away, without a word nor a glance, only wanting it to leave them alone. 

2. The puppy goes to the second person, still hopeful, still believeing that all of the world loves them. The person is less fond of animals than most, so, he tells the puppy, 
"I'm sorry, I'm too busy right now. Go to someone else."

3. The puppy goes to the third person, still hopeful, yet, a bit less trusting. The person looks at the puppy, thinking of a way to monetize it, thinking of how they could use the puppy to get gain.
Also, the person really is a dog lover, yet, sees the puppy as more of  a means to an end. To either sell the puppy or use it to make more puppies, all to benefit the person.
The puppy enjoys the pats on the head, the person seems to be friendly enough, yet something seems out of place. 
Our puppy wants the attention, yet senses that this person has an agenda. As much as the puppy wants to stay, to bask in the attention, to feel loved, something says it's better to walk away.

4. The puppy goes to the 4th person, a bit slower, a bit cautious, yet, his tail is still wagging a little. The person looks up, a little wary, as they have encountered dogs before who were just as friendly, then bit them, maybe had a wee on their shoes. Puppy walks slowly, the person, reaching out, at first, just pats the puppy's head. Puppy's tail wags a bit more. Person 4 sees that puppy seems safe to pet, so, continues to pet the puppy. Puppy starts to realize that this person seems to be safe, seems to like puppies, so, puppy sits next to the person, leaning slightly against the person's side. It's important to go slow, after the previous encounters.
The person responds, so it goes. Over time, the puppy and person learn to trust each other, slowly, with effort on both sides. Mutual benefit. Only 1 in 20 interactions are fun, safe, happy. For a puppy or for a person in todays climate of selfishness.

*********************************************************************
Whom would you believe is the best person for puppy to trust?

Exactly.

When I was Queen B

Tonight, I began watching the belated Christmas gift, sent to me by my youngest daughter. Home movies from an earlier time, converted to a zip file.


Their privacy is important to me, so, I try to keep mention of them to a minimum. I have 4 children who are no longer children. All 4 are successful, out there, rocking the world & not to sleep! They are a custom jewelry maker/ designer, active duty USAF, a USAF jet engine mechanic, the youngest is a smart as a whip Engineer, hired immediately after college graduation with no student loan debt!!!

I love this, their successes in life. Having raised them all over the world, so, it is understandable that they are so spread out.

In truth?

I have to daily quell the ache in my heart for them. I will be that mother who refrains from hovering. I will be that mother whom, as difficult as it is, mostly, let's them come to me. This way, I know they want some of my time VS the momzillas & dadzillas who demand their adult offspring's time. Parents who guilt their children into keeping in touch.

Tonight, as I was watching these precious home movies of when my babies were still children. So sweet, so beautiful, so happy, so smart, just delightful!
I chose these adjectives as it's the way many people, even people who didn't know me or them, described my 4 little weaknesses.

I loaded the movies onto a flash drive so as to take up less space in my laptop's hard drive, while still keeping them with me.

So drawn in, was I, when I felt a strange sensation. After the first home video had finished while the second one began, my T-shirt was soaked around the front of the neckline. I had been crying, not noticing, so enraptured was I. Tears were trickling down my cheeks. Watching myself interacting with my children, beginning when my first born was a tender 3 months of age.
My youngest daughter was still crawling, learning to walk upright.

She has learned to crawl, walk, even run since then. Such a smart Engineer. She figures out more than that, now.

My son was playing with legos as his sister was thwarting his efforts. They were only 18 months apart.

For all that my children have told me I did wrong by them, children of these innocent ages are without guile. They can't fake being happy, as happy as they were as we played, danced, made cookies, ate our Thanksgiving dinners. Their squeals of delight as they played, opened Christmas gifts, performed in a school play.

Crying the tears from that dull ache for my children.

Seeing myself as I laid on the sofa, watching them. Raising 4 children aged 1 yr - 9 yrs is tiring business.
Seeing myself  holding them on my lap, playing with them, tickling them, feeding them. We were using cookie cutters. Making heart shaped shortbread cookies for our tea & cookies which we often had after church on Sundays.
We would get home from church when it was too late for lunch, yet, too early for dinner.
Tea with mother & child made, shortbread cookies! YUM!

In some of them, I was walking around the grounds of Schloss Heidelberg, taking a break "me time", in Heidelberg, Germany.

My passion for needlework has been a constant in my life, so, often, I was sitting on a sofa sewing a fine seam. Also watching my 4 kiddos at play. They were charming, even mesmerizing!

I was the queen, in a benevolent way.

Those times feel like they were just yesterday.

As unhealthy as it is to muck about in past events, it's fine to indulge just a wee bit. Always in moderation.

Having a reasonably good life, now, I will tuck the essence of how I felt when I was a mother, close to my heart. An earlier time when I could talk to, play with, hug & kiss their sweet faces, whenever I wanted to. 

I still want to.