You don't always get what you want (or who you want)!!!!

A conversation with a friend, today, made me think. Well, it's about time!
Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight!

Being more concentrated on upping my game in fitness, I don't date......at all. Sometimes going out for lunch or dinner with a guy friend is the whole extent of it. It's strictly platonic. As in, I would not do anything with him that I wouldn't do with my son.

That says it all right there.

As soon as I took on this attitude.....the guys were asking me out constantly. Guys are less clueless than many girls think they are. Please, correct me if I'm off base, here.
Guys enjoy a challenge, in my experience. If a girl seems unavailable, they can sense it & they come running!

Part of the conundrum is that the ones who want me are usually the ones I don't want for various reasons.

~ Married  or has a shack up honey or baby mama
~ No chemistry
~ Nothing in common
~ He doesn't work out (fitness is a huge part of my life)
~ I prefer white guys, end of discussion.
~ Tobacco user (YUCK!)
~ Heavy drinker or uses illegal substances
~ Nothing much to offer me as far as intelligence, conversation, sense of humor, willingness to try new things, negative attitude. 

Those are the characteristics that make a guy a deal breaker for me. Those are, unfortunately the possessors of the above categories who ask me out.

I won't waste their time & money or mine. Cruel to be kind!

Having been single since 2007, I am happy on my own. Knowing how to take care of myself serves me well. I know how to change the oil on my car, change a tire. I use my smarts and You Tube to accomplish that which I need to get done.

It's difficult for me to ask for help, even harder to accept help, so, if I ask for help it has to be a real need. This chik is capable!

When I really believed that the ex huzz was wrong when he said:

"After 4 babies, you're all used up. No man will ever want you, so, you have to stay with me."

I set out to prove him wrong.

Well.........

He IS wrong, yet, after having my heart shattered for the final time in 2012,  I lost my patience & desire to have a guy in my life.
There are some really great guys out there, they are orbiting in some other hemisphere because they certainly aren't in mine.
I stopped dating. I started to REALLY devote myself to the one who gets me hot & sweaty, guaranteed, every time ~ 
GYM!
I became that girl who doesn't give a firetruck! :)
(trying to keep this G-Rated!)

Love me, like me, hate me, be apathetic, it doesn't matter to me. I knock around in yoga pants & a T-shirt most days. My mind is on fitness & fitness is on my mind! It's all that matters to me.

There are so many things I would rather do that give so much more reward:

Working out!
Hanging out with Anita!
Lifting!
Travel!
Trying new things!
Arriving & leaving as I please ~ no one tells me what to do!
Sewing!
Hiking!
Swimming laps!
Of course I still love needlework, yet, it takes a backseat to fitness!

I see these man-hater chiks who whine & pine that there are no good guys out there. So, before I turned into one of those with that sad & repulsive attitude, I got into my own life deeper.

It's not what I would have wanted for my life, yet, it's definitely what I need..........for now. :)

Stay tuned!

The Crawlies!

From the time I started getting serious about my workouts & getting into the best athletic condition, possible, I noticed something that started happening.

Muscle twitch, muscle spasms, feeling like a fly might be crawling on me.

Yupp, ha ha! It's ~

THE CRAWLIES!

There is no insect on my skin. There is nothing to indicate the twitching throb. 
Still, it's there! I can feel it. Often, when checking, just to be sure, there is just skin. Absent are any pesky insects or anything else that feels as if it's brushing against my skin.

Although, I have no scientific data to back this up, it seems to be a sort of after-shock from working out. The muscles responding from their extensive use as well as the strengthening.
There may be a slight "tickle" or twitch, rarely an itching sensation.

Just mah sweet lil muscles growing bigger, saying "hey".

Saying, "We're here! Thank you for the workout today, we're growing, so, FEED US PROTEIN!"

I will obey.

*smile*

Where are you headed?

As the old song goes:

Do you know, where you're going to?
Do you like the things that life is showing you?
Where are you going to, do you know?
Do you get what you're hoping for?
When you look behind you there's no open door.
What are you hoping for, do you know?

Once, we were standing still in time.
Chasing the fantasies that filled our minds.
And you knew how I loved you but my spirit was free
Laughing at the questions that you once asked of me.......
*************************************************
And, so on.

There was a time when I knew exactly where I was headed, yet, I don't know, anymore.

At times, I believe my life will end in suicide.

DON'T LECTURE ME ABOUT IT, PLEASE!

People who end their lives would rather live, yet, the deep pain is what they wish to put an end to. Often, they see only one way to end their pain, that is through suicide.

I have done "things" that could possibly have resulted in death, I didn't care if I died. Mixing alcohol & sleeping meds, hoping I would go to sleep, then, not wake up the next morning. I have jumped out of aircraft, wondering if I would die if I didn't pull the chute cord. The odds are, I would end up crippled, instead.
Am sure 3 of my 4 kiddos wouldn't really care if I died, today. 

My youngest daughter cares & shows it daily, with her actions. 
The other 3, not so much. This, alone is a source of pain for me.

Suffering from PTSD as a result of MST, the Veterans Administration has been ignoring my pleas for help for almost 5 dam years! It's so frustrating! 
The anxiety, the nightmares, the depression, the suicidal thinking, then, add in, the V.A. doesn't care about me, either.

So, yeah, I think about ways to end my life.

It takes concentrated effort to focus on being positive, staying motivated in my fitness goals.
I still try.

I feel so ugly. So unloved. So unlovable.

So, I really don't know where I'm headed. 
Not a foggy clue, yet, I keep moving forward in time, letting go of the past. Living in the present moment. Letting the future take care of itself.
Getting up in the morning, another workout. Another millimeter closer to my fitness goals. 

Yes, I get asked out a lot by guys, yet, not by the ones I would want to spend time with, in a romantic manner.
Unfortunately, there is only a certain type of guy who attracts me.
It has nothing at all to do with his height, his money, what he's packing (yeah, you know what I mean!) or what material possessions he has.
It's about the guy, himself. Who he is. His self confidence, intelligence, honesty, truthfulness, sense of humor, chivalry. So much more.
I won't waste his time or mine if he's not for me. Chemistry is crucial to this. It's usually an alpha male type in his mid  20s & up that "does it" for me.

When it comes to attraction, no one can cry racism, people can be attracted to certain races & attributes, it's a deeply personal preference & choice. I prefer white guys. I have dated other races, they did NOTHING for me.

I'm a non-tobacco user, so, tobacco users are a deal breaker for 
me. Same goes for illegal drugs, excessive alcohol.  Has to be a single (Never married or 100% legally divorced, widowed, with no girlfriend or baby mama drama). 

White guy, preferably someone who is very clean cut such as a 

military haircut. If he works out & lifts, that's a BIG PLUS.

Am not a fan of tatts and/or piercings, 1 or 2 are okay, I prefer without, yet, that's rare, today.
Just as rare as a guy who attracts me.

I digress.

Am not sure where I'm headed. 
I have possibilities on the horizon. 

It just takes so  dam  long.

All that is for certain is that I am ALWAYS up for a new adventure. If a chance to go somewhere or meet someone, I will take a calculated risk.

I have moved 6 times since 2012 because I saw such opportunity for making life easier or sweeter for me.
Most recent?
TODAY!
I have been moving since March 1, today, I finished! I tried to get done as quick as I could this morning before my soon to be ex landlady beyotch was up.
She is the worst I have ever rented from.

Yesterday, she started her BS with me, UGH!
She came out of her house muttering & looking at me. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt, so, with a smile, I asked her:

"Do you have something you want to tell me?"

Her reply, true to her sour personality:

"You're not worth it, whore!"

Smart azz that I am, I was ready & fired back at her:

"Whores are professionals like you, I'm just an amateur!"

I drove off! I take my fun wherever I can find it. :)

Do you fantasize?

C'mon (where we goin'?) It's healthy, it's okay to admit it. Admit it to yourself, yet, steer clear of admitting & going into TMI on social media.

I fantasize.

There's my admission.

The content will remain a mystery, yet, I admit that I do fantasize aka ~ daydream, imagine, picture, visualize.
Having high testosterone for a girl, I am more visual than most females. 
Did you go dirty?  *smile*
Yes, the High-T means a high sex drive, there! I said it, HAH!

Being celibate since 2012, channeling that energy into working out is a huge bonus for achieving my goals!

It's okay to fantasize, it's healthy, normal & can give ya a bit of a mental mini-vacay.
Remember this when tempted, don't fantasize n drive. 
Arrive alive!                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           

The End of Sabotage

Do you want some chips?
Yes! Pringles Sour Cream & Onion!

Do you like ice cream?
Yupp. B & R Jamocha Almond Fudge gives me mouth-gasms!

Do you enjoy a nice, big, cold mushroom?
Buzz kill!

Marketers & advertisements are so effective! Have a treat, have a beer or 10, they can be purchased 12 at a time! M & Ms are so small, eating 4 handfuls seems like nothing. The Pringles chips that are sooooo yummy are often higher in price to buy a smaller can, so, a BIG can just makes sense ........until the whole can has been eaten and the realization hits that the calories amount to 2 hours on an elliptical or an 8 mile run.

Sabotage!

You just sabotaged your fitness goals.

Okay, to be fair, it would have been ME sabotaging my fitness goals.

Here is something to consider:

"Your mouth is the main gateway to your health. 
Ask yourself, every time you put anything in your mouth; 
"Will this feed future disease or will it fight future disease?"

Eat the chips, the cookies, ice cream or whatever your poison is. Drink the soda, vodka, whiskey, beer, kool-aid, milkshakes.

Do it mindfully, knowing exactly what this food or other concoction is doing to your body, what it will do to your health. 

Recently, I took a closer look at what I'm eating, at what my habits are that might be sabotaging my fitness goals. I'm going to TRX class, doing cardio, strength training with weights, Yoga, Pilates. 

When compared to many people, I eat quite healthy, yet, because I wasn't moving along further in my fitness goals, I had to see just where I need to tweak it.

The culprits I found, holding me back:

~ Barefoot Moscato Wine
~ Sunday "cheat meal" at Pizza Hut. Too many hits with the pizza!
~ The occasional Turkey & cheese mini sub from United Supermarket.
~ The occasional Friday dinner at Eastern Buffet ~ sushi!!!!!
~ The occasional Jamocha Almond Fudge mini.

It's okay to have a treat, yet, it's also good to be mindful of what that treat means in calorie count!

The solution?

~ 1 mango chopped into bite size pieces, 1 avocado ditto, combine these with 1/2 lime squeezed on them.
YUMMM!
~ Juicing! No, not the 'roids! Juicing veggies with limited fruit all day, just 1 day per week, usually Hump Day for me!
~ Eat at least 1 ounce of lean natural protein with every meal. Eggs, tuna, chicken breast, turkey breast, beans ~ all good!
~ Nuts! I prefer walnuts & cashews ~ easy on the teeth. 
Keep your nuts in the freezer, the extra crunch is very satiating.

Those are just a few of my personal strategies which are working for me.

Part of the reward which happens for me is when people with no agenda, compliment me. That's when it's revealed to me that what I'm doing to support my health is working.

Yesterday, a guy who was sitting next to me at the library, asked me what I was doing that was so exciting to me. I was writing my blog!
I know his age to be 59 yrs, from 2 previous conversations. 

He said, "I don't know how to do that. You must be around 35 or so? You kids know how to do those things."
His wife, a very sweet lady, smiled, she and I know each other.
She said, "Working out does good things for you, doesn't it!"
I smiled, "Yes ma'am."

Keep in mind, although I'm working very hard at it, I'm still shy of my goal. Continuing to work at it is essential.
Deciding to clean up my kitchen habits will help.

Have a fit & healthy day!

Things to Know, Figuring it Out

Dear reader, are you curious? 

Even a little?

Well, good! That's where the magic starts!

Not the Ciara kind, ala : Love, Sex, Magic!

This pertains to REAL magic. The magic of living well. It takes more thinking, exploring, following that sense of adventure than it does money, time or complicated processes. 

Being the deep thinker, yes, have been told that I'm a deeper person than is common. I think that may be good? idk.

Possibly it simply is. Like having green eyes or blonde hair or.....

Yeah.

Being a deep thinker, with a wild imagination, it can be dangerous, can also be fun! Most of the time, it's fun!

Combine that with being financially frugal, o yeah!

Case in point.

When I lived in Germany, I often went across the border into France. In a few shops I noticed a really unique room fragrance lamp.

Lampe Berger

It was invented by a French Chemist over 100 years ago to freshen the air from the chemical odors in his laboratory. I was enchanted by this non electric lamp. 

The price was somewhat less enchanting. Cost prohibitive.

BUZZ KILL!

FFWD to a little over a year ago, I saw that a shop here in the town where I live, sells these fragrance lamps for a mere fraction of what they sold for in France.

Having a shop credit to the place where they are sold, which is the same or lower than the price I found on the net was enough incentive!

I was so jazzed! I promised myself that when I moved into a place that I would enjoy living, I would, then, treat myself to a Lampe Berger.

Enter: Cost Prohibition

The liquid which is used to fill the lamp, to give off the delightful scent?

$20. and up!

UGH!

After doing some investigating to include reading the scent liquid, I found that all it is, is 91% Isopropyl Alcohol & a few drops of essential oil! The cost? 

$3. maximum!

With a bit of poking around, reading, investigating, BOOM!

This Lampe Berger, pronounced Lamp- A Bear-jer, scents the whole house. The directions say to let the "wick" soak for 20 minutes. I let it soak overnight. The directions say to light the "stone" and let it burn for 2 minutes. Seems like it needs 3 - 4 to me.

A bit of curiosity can be cool. The Ah-Ha factor feels quite satisfying as well. Saving money while still getting exactly what I want is also a good feeling.

If I were a Salmon, I would probably figure out that there was a better way to get upstream than swimming against a current. Maybe, I would also figure out that if you mate, you die and become a sort of "Monk Salmon."

What else, you may ask.

Well, you may. *big smile*

A few things to know ~

Flashing bright headlights at a red stoplight, when it's dark outside, trips the sensors to turn the light green. Be sure there is no other car & driver in front of you so you don't blind them. I heard about this, I have done it, it works every time for me, no matter how long or short, the light has been red.

Uncooked spaghetti noodles make great candle lighters for those Birthday candles or jar candles that have burned down & are hard to reach. Light the spaghetti noodle with whatever fire source you have. Be amazed. You're welcome!

Tossing 2 - 3 balls of crumpled aluminum foil into a clothes dryer will eliminate static. Depending on whether it's a small, medium or large sized amount of clothing. If you like the nice smell? Dab some essential oils or a spritz of perfume on a facecloth & toss it in.

If you need AA Batteries yet you only have AAA? Place a bit of crumpled aluminum foil to take up the rest of the space in the positive (+) side. It works!

Figuring it out?

Yes!

Yes, you are!!!

Addiction!

Do you love fire arms?

Do you love chocolate?

Do you love buying shoes?

Do you enjoy gambling?

Do you love a cold bottle of Jameson? (Best whiskey there is!)

I can say YES to all of these except gambling. Having gambled & won a nice chunk of change in Vegas a couple times, yet, knew when to stop. It's understandable that gambling could be addicting, yet, as frugal as I am, it's a minimal danger for moi!

The fitness phrase ~

"Once you see results, it becomes an addiction!"

Yes, it can be an addiction, yet, in a healthy way!

After my sessions with the PT, Katie, at the gym, stopped, she had done a HUGE turn for me.

TRX BABY!!!!!!

I'm loving, loving, loving the TRX workout classes at the gym! After only 3 workouts on the rig w/TRX straps, I saw results!

Today was my 7th (I think) TRX workout and ~
Hooo-lee Sha-molee!

These workouts are tough, they are also changing the shape of my body. Making me more lean, giving me more muscle 
definition (dur)!

The teacher, Amy, is such a good teacher! She's patient, attentive, creative, she's so good at the TRX Straps Workout, I want to be her when I grow up!

Could these workouts be an addiction? Maybe!

I love it!

As much as I want to be in her 30 minute class M - F baby! She advised that 4 days per week was better than 5.

Awwwwww! Well, dam!

So, 4 classes per week, it is. Amy really knows her shizz. I will listen to her. There is always CARDIO! Weights! Yoga! Pilates!
Yazzz!

Having a need to change up, keeping life fresh, exciting & new, TRX is doing just that.

Exercise & strength! Getcha some!

L8ers, baby!

Dear..........

Dear ....
Grandpa Kendall, I miss you with every breath I take, all day, every day. Your influence on my life echoes through my heart & mind. Its bearing on my decisions is a constant guide for my actions.

Dear ......
Victoria, I had to single you out as you are the one of 4 that I am the most close with. Sweet Pea, you have a big chunk of my heart. Your quick mind, beauty of heart as well as physical beauty astounds me that I could be so fortunate to have you as my daughter.

Dear...
Michael, we will never know what our life together would have been. Oh, how I miss you! You were too young to die, too fearless to live. You died doing what you love and I lost my soul mate. If given a choice, would you have kept extending, volunteering, extending again, thinking of the money to build our future? Money has far less value without loved ones to share in it. Every time I hear news of the powers that be, trying to get rid of A-10s, I can hear your voice in potty mouthed protest!!!

Dear...
Ex Huzz, I feel such sympathy for you. I see your pain, I know you're unhappy and it's sad. All I hope for is to see you healthy & HAPPY!


Dear ....
Stalker, you can follow me, watch me, do whatever you wish. Make no mistake, though, if you try to harm me, you will encounter a fierce warrior woman like you have never seen. How 'bout dat?

Dear....
Susan (nuff said!) You do so much for so many people, you're one of the kindest people I have ever met. Blessings will flow to you just as you have blessed so many who may or may not know it was you!

Dear....
Katie - PT at Anytime Fitness. You are so awesome! Your gift of time & knowledge helped me so much! I am so grateful!

Dear....
Anita, my sister from another mister! You give so much to so many people. You crack me up, you're so funny! Good thing we met after we had gained a bit of sense (just a bit) or we would have been dangerous together! Ms. DevilDawg, you rock!

Dear .....
Janice, your insight into everything amazes me so much. I feel so fortunate to have you as my lifelong sister by heart.

Dear.....
Nora, finding each other again and picking up where we left off a minute ago is amazing! So happy that you're back in my life!

Dear .....
Jerry & Kem, can't mention one without the other. The friendship renewed which knows no bounds is a rare gift in today's world!

Dear....
Maria!!!!!!
Last, just as wonderful! You & me = Fun! Fun! Fun!

Dear....
World!
Thank you so much for the world I live in. 

Whenever I hear the song of a bird
Or look at the blue, blue sky
Whenever I feel the rain on my face
Or the wind as it rushes by
Whenever I touch a velvet rose
Or walk by a lilac tree
I'm glad that I live in this beautiful world
Heavenly father created for me

by Clara W. McMaster

Heart on My Sleeve

Yes, it's true.

It seemed to start when I was a wee lass. My maternal Grandfather taught me to tell the truth from the time I was in the low single digits.
By contrast, I HAD to lie to escape beatings from my father. Then, when I was in the USAF, I was taught to lie in the course of enforcing military law. 
Was also forced to lie to protect the males who assaulted me when serving in n the USAF. The Good Ole Boy network was firmly in place.  :(
Special Forces/ Special Operations guys are taught to lie convincingly in their profession. They do it well. In their professional lives. Sadly, they lie just as expertly, just as frequently in their personal lives. It's a cancerous practice.

Where do I fit in there & why do I mention that?
I WISH I could lie as convincingly & without conscience as these guys do.
Having heard it said that people who are very trusting are that way because they, themselves are very worthy of the trust of others.

I'm that rare person who is self compelled to be honest, to be truthful.

Honesty relates to feelings & emotions.
Truth relates to facts such as today's date, relationship status etc

If someone has taken the time to get to know me, they will see exactly what's what with me in my eyes & facial expressions. They will see the pain, the happiness, the fleeting trepidation.
It's tough if not impossible to hide, for me.

As a result, I'm a bit too tender hearted for dating. Guys can be so mean. I'm a bit too sensitive to be in a crowd of people. I think this is part of PTSD/MST.
It messes up my relationships a lot, unless someone is understanding of PTSD, they won't understand. Durr.

Being an intuitive/sensitive person has it's pluses. I can discern when someone has bad intent toward me. Even online. Their charisma may sway my judgment at times. Generally, I have lived & learned.
No T-shirt.
:(

People are who they are. 

Have to be my most authentic self.

Peace out!

Sweet Feeling in The Air

It's official!

My baby girl will marry her dream guy in June!  When she sent me, only me, her engagement photo, I had to take a deep breath! She looks so absolutely happy.

They both look like they were made for each other.

It gave me such a sweet feeling.

Even though I lost my phone for a couple hours today, could not find my debit card, then, a money envelope with a lot of cash in it, it was enough to throw a girl into a bit of a tail spin!

As tempting as it was, I opened the small box where I had kept my pearls, the box I was sure was gone forever, had no clue where it was. I found it again after thinking it was lost forever.

When I was a single girl in Hawai'i, my dates often took me to Waikiki to the Pearl Factory Kiosks. We would open an oyster together & my date would give me the pearl in a chivalrous gesture.

Hell, yes, I knew they were hoping for some action.

Mostly, they got a hug or a peck on the cheek.

I had the pearls, and, yes, I can tell you which pearl as from which date with which guy. Even today, I could tell you his name, his home town & what we did on our date.

So many good memories represented by those pearls. When I opened the tiny box, I reminded myself, that the pearls were found, the debit card, money envelope & phone would also be found. 

Sure enough, no sweat, they were both right where I had left them.

This reminds me of the holy promise that has been repeated to me many times over the recent times of difficulty I've had.

The promise?

"All will be restored to you. All that you had that you desire. All that you lost in your times of heartbreak, sadness, loss. I promise you, it will all be restored."

Ya' know what?

I'm going to believe!

Sweet feeling! 

*sigh*

All Heart

The heart of a poet

Is loving

Forgiving

Understands the frailty

Of this life we're living

The heart of a poet

Feels all that it feels

So deep

No rest in life

No rest in sleep

The heart of a poet

So tender

Misunderstood

Only hopes for kindness

Only for good

The heart of this poetess

Yearns for so much more

Wishes for that love

Of a committed fashion

Burning with a fever

Of unbridled passion

The heart of this poetess

Is tender yet in reserve

For only that one 

Who would deserve

One who seeks out a poetess

With honorable intent

In kindness

In care

O poetess

Are you out there?

Here am I.

Isabeau D'anjou et Etienne de Navarre

A beautiful tale of love, of what two people who loved so deeply, endured, waited patiently. They had a few seconds each day when they could have only fleeting glimpses of each other.

It had to be enough, it was all they had, they cherished the seconds.

As a romantic at heart, the tale inspired me ~ 

It's something so spiritual
Furthest from benign
Brings the most joy
Sadness when left behind
It's tenderly sensitive
It's all heart and soul
Vulnerability personified
Makes a person feel whole
It's stupidly so sudden
It's sunshine and roses
The lilt in a love song
An admirer composes
It's the quickened heartbeat
The tightness in your chest
Knowing your beloved
Makes you feel your best
Dreams of future life shared
Hearts entwined in embrace
Sweet feelings of how we cared
Blissful expression of face
Yet, she lets him go He sets her free
They go separate ways from this love
Only heaven knows if they will meet again
A fate to be wrought by Heaven above
Years go by as they miss each other
Not finding anyone with whom they want to be
This is a story of loss, hope, love, forgiveness

This is your space. Finish the story.

The Melding

Just maybe, you do this, too, whether you're a guy or a girl. 

Meeting someone who gives you butterflies in your core, makes you feel so giddy ~ that's all common sense leaving your body! Ha ha! Yupp, that's what it is. JP!

This person lights your fire, makes you feel so happy, so alive that everything about them speaks to you. They could laugh so hard they're snotting themselves or their drink of choice is coming out of their ..........well, I guess you get it!
Nearly everything they do is adorable even when it's not so adorable on anyone else.
You're hooked, my friend! Bitten by the loooooove bug!

With time, you begin to pick up their habits. Little things they say & do. There may also be things that you two develop together. It's your own little language of your own. Unique to both of you, no one else "gets it". The lovers' inside joke, inside language.

When a break up occurs, some of the mannerisms, the colloquialisms remain. You may not be aware of them, they have become a part of you, of who you are. At first, during the healing from the breakup, it will have its' own painful sting when you realize........you're doing it, again.
Try to stop yourself. Just try ~ ha ha! 
Resistance is futile ~ wink-wink.

Do you do this? This melding of your personality as well as the development of unique traits with someone you once loved?

Confession time ~ I do this.

No shame.

Just being human. I loved and though I lost, I still love, I still feel a little bit of ~ HIH!! ~ when I catch myself. 
It's a sort of light combo of momentary gasp/sob, then, a flutter flood of soft, fleeting delight.

It says, ~~

"You're out there in the world, you're gone from my life, I loved you, I love you still. You may come back to me or may not, I loved you then, I love you still. Always have, always will."

Is it sexy or scary?

Bravely going out on a limb, here, so, fore-warned is fair, riiiight?

Maybe there will be consequences for this or maybe it will be 
nothing.

Being the shy girl, the quiet one, the scared one was who I was until going into the military. They woke the tigress, they trained the she-warrior, they brought out the confidence in me that was always there, unknown to me.
The T.I.'s, the military trainers.

THANK YOU!

Be that as it may, looks can be deceiving. In looks, I look like a small girl, rather innocent, rather naive, helpless, the fresh faced, blonde, green eyed, girl next door. All American!

Mmmm God Bless America!

In essence, I look like the ideal target for a stalker.

There is no man in my life to protect me, no lion at the gate. I take care of myself as I have been doing so for most of my life. Providing for my own needs, all needs.

Single girl, living alone, no family around, flying solo.

Stalkers love this!

It isn't sexy, it can be scary!

Shout out to my stalker! Double bird salute you SOB!

In Colorado, I had 3 of these nuisances. Combine that with the ex BF who sicked his cop buddies on me. Yeah, it can make ya a tad paranoid at times.

My stalker is back.

UGH!

Letting him know that I'm not as helpless as he thinks. I'm a peaceful Yoga practicing lover, not a fighter.

I DO know how to fight, how to defend myself & can be just as vicious, just as fierce, do as much damage as necessary to get the job done!
If it's going to be them damaging me or the reverse, you can believe that I will fight as hard to be the victor as I possibly can.

Only thrice, has it been necessary to fight like this, yet, all 3 times, I was the victor.

Being anti-drama is a better way to live.

People create drama in their lives when they are bored with the status quo. Drama dudes & Drama chiks. 
Yupp. Ha ha!
Unfortunately, drama creation can favor both genders.

Drama is the opposite of peace, the opposite of confident, the opposite of happy. So, when I see someone who loves to create drama then enjoys their creation, walking away from it is kinda meh. Have to RUN!
Ha ha!
I'm smiling!

So, Mr. Stalker?

Tread carefully, foo!

You think you know who you're dealing with?

Just try me, cash me oussid!

Time for change

The winds of change are here I can feel their caress
I feel it in my thoughts in the form of sleeplessness

It's time for the Earth to begin to sing
To laugh in flowers in the sweetness of Spring

The time is here for Spring babies to be born
Time for clothing of softness to be worn

I'm a child of Summer and I equally love Spring
Let me loose in the sunshine to dance and to sing

Come forth! Come forth! while the Earth is aglow
In warm sunshine say goodbye to the snow!

Fall from grace, back to simplicity.

Were you born into wealth or even a family who lived somewhat above middle class? A life where finances flowed easily & all needs were met by every member of the family?
Abundance & all the material possessions the family desired?
This affluence does, sometimes, lead to a materialistic view of the world.
Do you find yourself wanting more stuff, more stuff?

This was a rhetorical query, if you please.

Myself?

Good question, I'm not really sure.

What I do know is this.

There is a process involving experiences, both those that happen due to our decisions as well as random occurrences, which shape us into who we are. 

Our decisions?

To light up that first cancer stick
To choose a major in college
To exceed the speed limit & receive a reprimand or fine
To remain faithful to a spouse....or not
To marry or stay unmarried

Randomness?

Crippling car accident
Lightning strike
Unprotected sex with a partner with an unknown disease
Debilitating random disease in spite of lifelong healthy practices
Attack of a physical nature leaving one with injuries


By now, you most likely have a good idea of what is being expressed, here.

When I married & started that life, I had very simple taste. Loved to keep the home free of clutter, free of excess wall coverings etc. 

Perchance, I happened to meet a very interesting woman, then, we began a friendship that spanned a lengthy amount of time.
I was the Needlework Instructor, she was the Decorative Painting Instructor.

And, so, it began.

We traded my beautiful creations in needlework for her beautiful hand painted creations. She invited me over to her home for lunch, I was astounded at how her home was so filled with so many beautiful hand painted touches! She fascinated me, captivated my interest, she also had a bit of an acidic temper, which, ultimately brought our friendship to a close several years later.

Being a tad intimidated by her as well as skittish about inviting her to my home, I decided, I would be like Nike & just do it!
I invited both she and her husband over for dinner. I decided to make a simple dinner of spaghetti & meatballs, green salad, French bread with peach cobbler for dessert.

It was a delightful evening, our SO's got along, she was enchanted by my daughter who was only 1 year old AND potty trained!

After we had visited each other back & forth as well as traded hand made gifts, her singular comment set me in motion to become more materialistic.
She was not the cause, I acted on my own volition.
She said:

"Going from my house to yours, your house looks so barren!"

Oh, boy!

I was throwed off at that moment!

In the beginning, I started hanging more items on my walls. I began creating items to hang on the walls as well as custom framing family photos. 
This, one, simple statement of hers set me into an upward spiral of becoming more materialistic with time. I bought into the Victorian decorating fad at the time, I collected and cluttered and made almost everything in the fashionable "Mauve."

Before long, I was picking up what she was laying down! Ha ha!

I had become more materialistic.

Over time, I collected and collected and collected until my home actually looked similar to hers! 
Tastefully cluttered. 

FFWD to present day.

When I was searching for solace in the pain of a shattered heart, in 2009, the Yoga classes at The PAFB Fitness Center appealed to me.
It's my humble belief that my Yoga practice has brought me back to my simplistic nature. 

When I left Colorado in 2012, I rid myself of 1/2 of my possessions. I was going full circle in embracing simplicity. In the past few years, I have been ridding myself of even more of the clutter which weighed me down, not just physically, but emotionally, spiritually.
Losing excess body weight has coincided with that.

At the Masonic Auction in Graham, on Saturday, I stood there.Trembling.
As I watched, yet more, pieces of my life auctioned off.

I chose to let go of more items.

It was healthy for me.

It was cleansing.

It was so comforting to spend the rest of the day in Ft worth with my bff in Texas, she's simply the best!

It's my prerogative. :)

Realizing that my preferences may offend some people, I have to be true to myself. I prefer a younger guy. 
A SINGLE younger guy 25 - 40 yrs of age.
Not just a single younger guy.
I prefer a single white younger guy who is healthy & takes care of himself. Non tobacco user. 1 or 2 tatts are okay as long as he doesn't look like he's been beaten with a comic book. 
Not a fan of guys with piercings. A more clean cut appearance appeals to me more. That's rare in today's world.
Military guys appeal to me more often, the military has played a very important role for me for most of my life!

The older guys who I have spent time with (48 +) only understood this when they realized that they had difficulty keeping up with me. Very few guys over the age of 40 are SINGLE, in excellent athletic condition & would be able to keep up with me. There are a few, just not very many at all!

Don't go dirty on me!

It's not all about sex.

It's about ~

Contemporary attitudes
Energy level
Physical health
Mental state of mind
Positivism about women as well as about life
Is he in trimmed athletic condition?

These are very important to me. Always striving to elevate to a higher level of physical fitness.
Every day brings something new.
This keeps me in the present moment as I advance happily into the future, one day at a time!

The younger guys I have "kept company with" have told me that it's obvious that I'm better suited for a younger guy. 
Well, durr!
One guy even told me that my body was aged to around 30 ~ wow!
Today, the guy on the computer next to me told me that it was very obvious that I work out a lot. I smiled, told him, "Thank you."

So, YUPP! I refrain from trying to dress like a teenager, refrain from "trying to be younger."

When it's a natural state of being, it simply IS.

While sitting here, at the library, blogging, this guy who has been trying for over 2 years, wanted to take me out for lunch. 
The way he looked at me made me think he wanted ME for lunch.
UGH!

He is so, not going to make it. By his own admission, he'd rather be in his Lay-Zee Boy lounger chair with the TV remote right now.

Ha ha!

Not happening, I give him credit for trying. It takes courage for any guy of any age to even speak to a girl he's attracted to, much less, asking her out.
I know this.

We all have our preferences, hmm?

Those are mine.

"Are you looking at porn?"

First, there are many ways to define porn.

Word Porn
Food Porn
Sexual Porn
Peas & Corn = Porn!
(Felt you smile!)

Then there's..........Porn for women!

Google it! Here are just 2 examples, you'll get the idea.

Yeah, I think I just made a bunch of women smile & guys, too!!!!!

Hey!!!!! I can dream! 

There are also other types of porn. Along with being a fitness enthusiast, aka living the fitness & healthy lifestyle, I love to sew, love to listen to audio books & work on creating beauty in needlework.

While living in Colorado, I was at the Peterson AFB Library, using the internet. I was surfing to find free needlework patterns to download & print. As my search yielded better results, I was really into it. I was focused, breathless, with a few occasional light gasps. As hard as I was trying to be quiet, I was being watched & also listened to by a guy......yupp........a guy who was also at the library, completing some CBLs for his military requirements. 

After I realized he was watching me, I concentrated on being a bit quieter but the patterns were so beautiful! I lost awareness that he was there.

As I had gotten my fill & was beginning to feel a bit self conscious,  also, hungry! I decided that it was time to leave.

TOO LATE!

Mr Military Guy sat in the seat opposite me, whispered to me:

"Hey! Gorgeous, are you looking at porn?"

OMG!

I told him, of course not, depending upon how he defines porn!

He slowly walked around to sit next to me, looked at my monitor & had to stifle his laughter. Well, it was Needlework Porn!!!!

I was glad to give him a chuckle or 2.

He asked me if he could have my phone number which kinda startled me. Seeing the startled look, he added, or even your email address?

Better.

I gave him my email address.......then, so it began. I had to let him know that I was going through some major health issues (yeah, as if it wasn't obvious!). Also, I had to let him know that I was moving to Texas on May 1. He smiled, then said he thought he could change my mind.

Umm, nope! That was not going to happen. 

With this knowledge, he said he wanted to give it his best shot.

Okay

We started seeing each other 1 week later, then continued right up until the day I left. He brought me breakfast, we had some excellent conversations, he was so appealing, so much fun to spend time with, yet, I was leaving Colorado & that was that. I heard from him a few times after I moved to Texas, he's a really cool guy. Not sure where he is, now. Probably married with a couple kids. Awesome guys like him rarely stay single for long.

Guys who know women well, either play around in the sheets a lot or they find that one who satisfies him completely & stays with her.

Myself? 

I love working out, needlework porn (:

Until Mr. Wonderful finds me, am content to be single & happy!!