Perfect?

Eons from it.
That's me.

When something is weighing heavy on my mind, sleep is impossible.
I binge watch Victorias Secret Fashion Shows. I'm 100% straight. It's more of a glamour & beach fix than anything. 
Whipping up a huge batch of Quinoa, mix a bit of minced garlic, a little basil, lemon, olive oil. Voila. Protein & fiber!
I clean, organize, do some sewing. 
It's 3 am!!!!
OMG! Nick Jonas is reffing the volleyball game to 
Salt & Peppa ~ Push it! Can't leave the VS Swimsuit Show 2016, now!
See? 
Just one of my many imperfections.
I pick at my finger cuticles when I'm stressed, my fingers are a mess, right now.
My feet are naturally very dry, scaley, peeley. Yuck!  I have to baby them or deal with the pain of cracked skin. 
My feet on crack. UGH! 

So, every day, I have to soak them for 30 minutes in warm water, pumice the dry skin off, slather my legs & feet with coconut oil. Shh!
Used to gain weight easily until I figured out what to do to lose weight & keep it off. My weight has been going down steadily since 2010. It's easy, now that I have my physiology figured!

I talk in my sleep. Sometimes, I wake myself up, wondering who's in the room, talking. Scares me, then, I realize & laugh!

Fitness obsessed, that's me! Oh, I realize that it's not everyone's thing, it's definitely MY thing! I want it so bad! Fitness will be my obsession until I get to my goal. 6 pk abs. I want it & slowly, I can see the muscles emerging. Anyone or anything that threatens to get in the way of this goal will be gone from my life. I have a support my fitness practice or GTFO attitude.
Could be considered a flaw, I don't care, I'm THAT serious.

Have been told that I'm a multi-faceted person, which makes me very hard to figure out. Most people want to put other people in a neat little box. Figure them out. They become very frustrated trying to figure me out. Guys cannot figure me out. They become extremely frustrated. When a guy can't figure me out, he tries to make me be what he wants me to be. That has an even higher failure rate. 
It takes a very strong, confident guy for him to maintain his confidence with me. Weak, insecure guys are in abundance. Strong, confident, alpha males are a bit more scarce.
Weak, insecure guys will disappear like the cowards they are.
Alpha males? Have to piss them off REALLY BIG, for them to go away. So predictable. 
Mr. 2012? I made sure to piss him off HUGE. It hurt to do that, yet, I could tell he would string me along if I didn't. It was self protection. Pissed him off on purpose, he went away permanent.
So predictable.
Just to be sure, I tempted him with a way back, he was a no-go!
Mission Successful.
He will stay gone.
It hurt a lot to do that, it was necessary.

I'm not high maintenance. I'm high value. Will never settle for a weakling male again,they're too insecure to stand the passion!

I would rather be in the gym, on a hiking trail, on a horse, in a museum. ANYWHERE, just not a shopping mall or store. Have never been much of a shopper. I know what I want, I go in, I get it and I leave. Am not much of a clubber, though I DO know how to dance, have a good time. When I DO drink, I drink at home, so, yeah, bar hopping has always been a bummer for me.
Rather be at home safe, sound then, falling asleep!

So, if hating shopping & not wanting to drink in public makes me boring, then, I'm a boring person who loves being at home.

Just because I'm anti-shopping, doesn't mean I'm anti-girlie.
Truth.
Love my girlie side. I have thigh highs in 8 different colors & textures. Different color corset & garter panties with silk stockings. Love my 4" - 6" heels. Silky skirts, slilky blouses. Most of the time, I'm in gym clothes or jeans & T Shirt or jeans & silky blouse.
Just love an occasion to break out the skirts, stockings & heels.

Here comes the multi facet.

I don't like make up, I wear very little make up. Even if I have to shower, wash & do my hair, makeup, it usually takes me 20 minutes, 30 minutes, tops. My hair is long & getting longer all the time! Not so quick & easy to style. :)  I set a timer so that I don't over primp, over fuss. I don't own much makeup. 
As opposed to the expensive department store face creams, I prefer natural skin care. Regular honey makes a great face wash. Coconut oil is a good face cream, body lotion, foot lotion.
1/2 cup coconut oil + 1/4 cup unsweetened cocoa powder does amazing things as a face exfoliater & brightener.
Essential oils are the best perfume. Not much needed. Less $$.

So, that's me, flaws, warts & all.

Told ya, I'm genuine.

;)

Letting go

While recovering from the flu, I have not gone to many places. Wanting to preserve strength.

Cabin fever sets in.

It's raining, so, good time to organize, declutter. While decluttering, I came across some mementos I had bought, thinking of my second oldest daughter. 

A wedding cake topper that looked so much like her. I had fond hopes of presenting her with it someday. 

She was married......twice, lying to me about it both times. I had to find out that my daughter, who swore on July 14th, 2015, that she would absolutely tell me in enough time so that I could be there, when she was going to marry again. 

She was married just a few days later, according to facebook. She didn't even give me the courtesy of an email to let me know.

There was also a tiny antique porcelain lamb that she would have loved, she loved lambs. 

A very pregnant Wonder Woman figurine, to be used for maybe a baby shower cake or simply placed on the table. It was not to be.

None of this will come to pass.

My daughter has lied to me, disrespected me so badly, that I don't want the pain of her betrayal, anymore. The pain is more than I can handle. The lies, the venomous insults, telling me that I had never earned her respect. 

Oh, yeah, because giving birth, loving her even after she gained sustenance from my breasts, puked on me, pooped on me, her stealing from my purse and my bedroom closet, lying to me right up to July 14, 2015.

Enough is enough.

I love her.

I love myself enough to only accept the respect due to a mother.

Anything deceitful, hateful, disrespectful,worse,is unacceptable.

Visiting her, in Florida, in 2012, I was kept awake, by she and her boyfriend screwing in the bedroom next to the one I was in. I was there over New Years Eve, woke up the morning of January 1st to find their underwear & clothes strewn all over the living room and up the hall. So disrespectful. Made me feel so uncomfortable to be there. It was then that I decided that if she wanted to see me, she would have to come to me. 
She has gone to visit her dad & his wife 4 times, since then.
O, joy.

It was time for me, for my peace of mind, to say good bye. :(

I wanted a relationship with her. In the past I had received emails & facebook messages from people asking me just how I could have been so abusive to my daughter.

Oh, yeah, she spoke of things I did that she didn't like. She left out the parts where she called me a BITCH to my face, starting when she was 5 years old.

Not exactly an angel, yet, she was MY PRECIOUS BABY!!!

She left out the part where she stole money right out of my purse. She left out the time my dear friend had a beautiful luncheon prepared for us, prior to daughters High School graduation, yet, dear daughter refused to even get out of bed at 11 am. 

She left out the part where she told me, in 2012,  that my makeup  makes me look like a : 

"tired old streetwalker."

But, I was a horrible mother, according to her. I was not a perfect mother, I admit, yet, I worked very hard to be the best mother I possibly could. When each of my children told me the ways in which I had done the wrong thing, I acknowledged their pain, apologizing to them, while telling them how much I love them and that causing them pain was never intentional.

I was so horribly negligent, so very abusive! 

Shame on me!!! (sarcasm)

I guess that's why she knows how to sew. She's a good cook, has a college education, a successful career, a strong sense of self confidence, it must have been the horrible mothering she received. What else could it be? (sarcasm)

Yes, I love this girl, dearly, it would take a long hand written letter of apology, then, 6 months of probation with good behavior for me to let her back into my life.

These things may never come to pass, or they might. 

I don't know. It's no longer a concern, for me.

Her father is a huge influence in her disrespect toward me. He taught her that I was of very low value by the way he treated me. He never stood up to her, to tell her that speaking to me so rudely was wrong. He told her & her siblings, "Your mom never knows what the hell she's talking about." He would tell me, with my children right there, "You're all used up after 4 kids, anyway." Of course, dear daughter can choose her own way. Her fathers verbal abuse of me definitely contributed to her attitude toward me.

Today, I let go of my daughter a little more. I put the beautiful wedding cake topper, the sweet porcelain lamb, the Wonder Woman baby shower figurine, up for sale. Someone who doesn't know the hopes & dreams that one mother had when purchasing these, someone else will love these.

I feel peace

Sending love to my precious daughter

Letting her go........

The Flu

It's here.

In my home

In my body

Feels as if my head is about to explode. I conquered the horribly sore throat. Chicken, that I eat, is boiled. Saving the chicken broth for just such an occasion. If I have a sore throat, a chilly evening, sometimes a bit of depression, hot chicken broth is wonderful! If I dice a bit of fresh ginger root in it, even better. Lots of sleep, lots of hot baths with a few drops of lavender oil & jasmine oil for a soak.
YES!
I have the flu, still, going to the gym is part of my day. It takes all of my energy, saps it right out of me. Come home, get sleepy, go to bed. That's how my days have gone since March 24th.
I will recover. 
Other people who I have known who recently had this awful flu, took 3 weeks to a full month or so to feel normal.
What is normal? Ha ha!
I will be better by Friday. No April fools, there. Better by April 1.

Strength training at home & at the gym has been good. I will continue progress with that. The flu is just a virus, I'm stronger!

Strength?

Yes! 

More, please.

Feeling my abs getting flatter, stronger, tighter, spurs me on. Feeling my ass getting tighter when I walk, makes me feel good! Feeling the flexibility (from Yoga) in arms & legs when having to extend their reach to retrieve something from a 6 ft shelf, I'm only 5'3". Being able to extend my legs a full 2" longer when rock climbing, just feels fantastic! Only someone who has had the strength, the tight body, then, has lost it due to the effects of a verbally abusive spouse with the ensuing obesity, would understand my joy in fitness!

For now?

I have a workout waiting for me!

Ciao!

Being Authentic

Having the courage to be real, it does take courage. It takes courage to look deep inside yourself. Ask yourself questions.

Who am I, really?

What do I like?

Why do I have this habit or that habit?

Do I really truly like myself? love myself, even?

How do I define love? life? happiness? anger? fear? kindness? bliss?


Only you know what defines you, if anything truly does. Personally, I believe that the series of my near death experiences, the influence of my grandfather, getting out on my own while still a teenager, all helped me to know myself. To know myself very well.

Going through my struggle with obesity, now triumphed, also shaped my compassion for others who still struggle with it. It's a personal fight that no one can fight for you. Each person must face it on their own.

Being in touch with my body has also, always been a part of who I am. I can feel it when there's sickness going on as well as what to do to ward it off. It's almost like my body has a separate voice, giving information feed, telling me what it wants, what it needs, what it can do with a little improvement on my part. Demanding lil wench. LOL! Just kidding.

This also means that my skin is very very sensitive to touch. During a relationship, my lover was amazed at how he could actually feel a temperature change in my skin wherever he touched me. It was that palpable. He could feel my skin contract & relax, grow  warmer then cooler with just his touch. He was amazed, I was nonplussed as it's normal for me.
A large part of who I am when I'm so smitten, so attracted to a man.

Being genuine is simply my nature. It's sad, to me, in this world that people feel so insecure within themselves that they feel the need to be fake. These poor creatures have been false for so long that they have lost touch with their mind, body, essence of what makes them uniquely who they are. These people try to fill the deep need for external validation. They post multiple photos of themselves,then, keep checking to see how many comments, compliments & "Likes",they can get. They sometimes respond to the saccharin compliments, in a modest tone. This screams insecurity, no amount of online adoration is enough. Until these people become secure within themselves, they scream out for attention, being spoon fed false security. So very sad.

It's never too late to connect with who you are, to be your most authentic self. Grab hold of sanity, of security. If you wish to do so.

Start by asking yourself questions, explore the joy of being real.

Namaste

~* Spiritual Gifts *~

It would be a wonderful phenomenon if everyone has spiritual gifts. 
Personally? 
I would like to believe that everyone does have spiritual gifts or at least the potential to have these wonderful gifts. 
I don't know.
It's not something that most people will speak of openly. No. It's something that should be shared sparingly, selectively. Shared only with those who will understand the sacred nature of what is being entrusted to them. The way that any form of intimacy should be instead of the putrefaction of physical sexual interaction which is a sad fact of todays world. Yes, the sharing of ones spiritual gifts is just as sacred as the sharing of ones sexuality, sexual gifts.

Only you, as an individual, know which spiritual gifts you have. By the same token, only you can discover them, can strengthen them. 
Just as it's only you who can work your muscles to develop & strengthen them. Yup. It works like that. You'll never know until you do some soul searching to discover, then some obedience to whatever you're being prompted to do, to strengthen those gifts which you, individually, posess.

What is a prompting?

Good question.

I can only tell you how it feels to me.

Sometimes, the promptings come to me as a clear message in a dream. Sometimes, as a peaceful intuition, a stirring in my heart as to something I need an answer about. Sometimes, as to something that I should do, not knowing why, yet, knowing that doing as the intuition tells me to do is important. 
Obedience, I believe, is the first law of Heaven.
Having had too many negative experiences with people who claim to be Christians as well as negative experiences with organized religion, am not religious, nor do I claim any religion.

So, I'm very spiritually in tune, yet, not religious.
Following these promptings is a part of life for me.

I consider myself average in looks, yet above average in kindness, intelligence, self confidence. Creativity, too! I'm approached a lot by guys for whatever purposes they have in mind. Even in this small town, approached a lot.

There's a cool guy at the gym who I have talked to a few times. I didn't think much of it. My focus is on fitness.
He told me he wanted to learn more about yoga, so, we have been going through some yoga classes together. Last Wednesday, he asked me if I would go out with him sometime. It caught me off guard.
I really looked at him, hot guy, nice eyes, great smile. I asked him, don't you have a wife? kids? a girlfriend? He said "nope".
I told him I had to think, would talk to him at Saturdays yoga workout. He smiled, said, "I hope you'll say YES."
On Friday night I was really thinking about him, about how much I enjoyed our yoga workouts together. A voice spoke to me very sternly, 
"He has a wife and a child, stay away from him."
That was a bit shocking.
Saturday, he came in, to get ready for yoga. I didn't want to ruin the class, so, we started, got through the class. While sitting on the mats in lotus, he looked over at me. 
"So, what time can I pick you up, tonight?" 
Me ~ "Dude, I am twice your age!"
"I don't care, I like you!"
Me ~ "You're married and you have a child with her."
"She's in San Antonio, haven't seen her in 6 months."
Me ~ "Sorry, I can't. Have a good one."

I left, feeling relief at dodging a bullet.

At least he didn't deny once he was caught. UGH! Are all married guys liars? Cheaters? Players?

The message from my spiritual gift was correct, I was glad I believed, then followed the message of the prompting.

That was only the most recent prompting, telling me something to help me in life. Protecting me from harm.

There have been many other messages delivered to me, to send money that wasn't asked for to my youngest daughter or a friend. I follow those promptings.

They give me peace.

I wish you peace, too.

*smile*

The Veterans Administration Failed Me

The VA Examiner failed me.

Jerk

Jackass

Unprofessional

Unqualified

Jerk

This VA doctor had his mind made up before I even walked into his office. He was 15 minutes late taking me into his office. That was my first clue.

I have never told anyone as much as I told him. About my life, about the horrendous sexual abuse & harassment when I served in the USAF as well as how it has affected me since then.

He barely allowed me to talk. Stopping me in mid sentence, repeatedly, not allowing me to finish !!!!

It wasn't my idea to pursue this. I had helped other female Vets who had experienced similar to what I had. I helped them pursue their case, get the appointment, saw their cases get approved. Saw the peace that came over them once they were heard, validated with compensation. It's more about being heard, being approved, being validated, that, YES, this did happen. That validation didn't happen for me.

I didn't want to pick at the wound, I didn't want to re-open the scabs & scars that I had buried. However, I wanted the peace that I saw that came over the others who I had helped. It didn't happen, sadly, painfully, it didn't happen for me.

The events of that time in my life have affected me so deeply that it influences every job I have ever attempted to keep. When I'm going through the stress of adjustment to a new employment situation, the stress causes the nightmares of the rapes, the harassment. It hampers learning a new skill. It makes it impossible to keep a job. No one wants to be around a girl who is nervous, sweating, having difficulty concentrating.

I'm jumpy. Startled easily. Always on my guard around males. It's difficult to impossible for me to trust males. If I let my guard down, the feeling that they are about to beat me up or rape me or worse. People tell me that I should get a room mate since I live in a house big enough for 4 people. It's tough.

Sharing my living space with another person takes adjustment, huge adjustment for me. When the person moves in, the nightmares start. The sweating, screaming, waking up shaking and crying nightmares. No one wants to hear that. The roomie will blame himself, usually, can't stick through the adjustment period with me. I don't blame them or anyone.

This residual fear from the USAF harassment is very socially isolating. No one likes to think that they are dating a girl who was so horribly abused. No one likes to be around anxiety.
I stay single and alone, mostly, dealing with it on my own.

This VA Examiner could have helped with the extreme anxiety, yet, he totally failed me. He could have acknowledged that the trauma was real, that I had done nothing to bring this upon myself. he could have substantiated & approved my claim.
He failed on all accounts. He held my life in his hands. He failed yet another Veteran of the United States Military.

Since then, it was very rare for me to trust males. Still is. The ones who I have trusted? Let me down, every time. Hurting me, lying to me, until I decided that I would be on the other side of that. I would be the one that cared less about them, if anyone was going to be hurt, it would be them. Safer for me
I don't even care. It feels good to be the one who walks away as easily as spitting a wad of gum into the trash. 
Mr. 2012 taught me this lesson. Thank you!
Easier for me, this way, no more emotional pain.
5 unfortunate guys & counting. Thank you Mr. 2012 !

When I was experiencing the harassment, I told other people who were in the 15th Security Police Squadron. They told me I was lying. None of them believed me. Not even my own supervisor who was friends with one of the assailants. According to my supervisor, I was lying because he knew the guy, the guy would never do the things I had said he had done.

I felt the shame of what he had done, I knew I wasn't to be blamed, yet, I felt guilty. Guilty for being a victim.

This VA Examiner only compounded the trauma. He didn't believe me, either. Now, I deal with fresh shame, fresh guilt, the onslaught of the nightmares, again.

This is yet another case of the Veterans Administration failure.

It's more personal.

I'm yet another statistic of VA failure.

The Veterans Administration failed me.

LOVE

I know what love is, at least, I think I know. A tenet of my personality is the belief that I can learn something from everyone. Age, gender, socio economic class, varying intelligence levels. Keeping an open attitude has given me some very enriching experiences. 

Also ~ I reserve the right to be wrong, the privilege of admitting when knowing I have erred. Best to recognize, own up, apologize. Make restitution if it's called for.

However, when I know I'm right, I may bend a little, yet, will stand my ground. Sometimes, simply back off for the purpose of keeping peace. Hence the phrase, know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em! Having peace in my life is the best! 

Since I'm a girl, I will be giving a female perspective. Have not, nor do I foresee ever agreeing with the femi-nazis. In spite of the heartbreak & pain dealt to me by males, I will not let myself dislike anyone simply based on their gender. I LOVE MEN!

A smart guy usually knows how to inspire attraction, knows what to say, what to do, to play with a girls emotions. He usually can read just what to say & do to get the girl "hooked".
Once she's hooked, the guy knows that she will believe all the lies he tells her no matter how far fetched.
Girls fall for what they are told.
Guys fall for what they see.

Mostly, this is why guys tell lies, girls use artificial means to look better. For girls, however, it's a dual purpose. Girls tend to feel better when they look better. It adds to her self confidence.

Self confidence is very sexy for both genders.

Dating & relationship coaches are always telling girls,~

"He will not fall in love with you just because you have sex with him."

This statement is mostly true. Yet, the world sends a big lie to girls which causes the girl to feel hope, confusion, worse!

Here's what I mean.
What is a condom sometimes called?
A love glove! This sends a false message. A message that if the guy uses a condom, he loves her.

People who don't want to admit the vulgarity of using another person for casual sex, will refer to sexual intercourse will call it, "making love". There it is, again. Falsely telling a girl that love is involved even though the couple only knew each other for a brief time, most likely, will not see each other again.

Many songs will describe a brief sexual encounter as one person "being loved" or "I just wanna love you, love you." It allows people to feel better about sleeping around. Sugar coating 2 people screwing with the "L" word, which makes the girls think that there's a chance that her hit-it, quit it Romeo could turn into more. A relationship. Sorry, sweetie, it's false!

Most guys see it as nothing more than using a girl to get off.

It's sad. The actions of casual sex have, in part, spawned the feminist movement. Many girls, who believed the lies told to them to procure sex, become angry, hurt, worst of all? Angry with most people of the male gender, solely based on his gender.

Very, very sad.

Yes, there are some skanky man-pigs out in the world. Unfortunately, having met many, I can attest to this. 

There are also many good guys out there in the world. Some may be a bit older, having used their fair share of girls for their own selfish purposes. With their decline in T-levels plus life experience, many refrain from lying to & using girls for sex.
Not all guys learn this essential lesson of controlling the "D".
Ha ha!
Some are still doing these horrendously damaging acts on into their 50s, 60s+ that hurt girls. They may be married or single, in a committed relationship or simply prolonging their tomcat activities. One day, a married guys wife may get tired of these acts which put her at risk & at around the 20 - 30 year mark of marriage, she will decide she's had enough & files for divorce. Having witnessed how devastated the guys are, I do feel a bit of pity for. Have seen this scenario several times.
So sad.
Some guys never commit or don't commit for very long. I see these guys, a lot. They find themselves older, with less appeal, with little to nothing to offer a girl of any age..........
........and, alone, feeling regret for having wasted their time, out screwing as many girls as they get the chance to screw.
These guys will claim to be Christian or religious. They may be CEOs, auto mechanics, of all races, socio economic backgrounds.

To sum it up? Girls, you should never believe a guys words. Corporations watch new employees for 30 - 120 days to determine the persons character. The corporations watch to see if the person is worth keeping, as an asset to the company. There is no health insurance, no company discounts. Likewise for any other goodies, until the person has proved that they will be a valuable contributor to the company.
Girls, a lot can be learned from this practise of watching & waiting.

Ignore a guys words. Be aware of his actions, whether he follows through on what he says he will do. Is he where he says he will be, when he says he will be there. Does he call when he says he will?
You have mostly heard this many times.
Why?
Because it's true.
Even when he follows through on everything, hold back & watch him, my personal recommendation is 90 days. Protect your heart as he will most likely be protecting his.

Tune out the references to "LOVE". 

There are many good guys in the world. Some of the good guys need you to behave as a girl with self respect, to bring out the goodness in him.

Love?

Love yourself, respect yourself. The rest will follow!

Peace & the "L" word, to you!

What is your yardstick?

Could be a "what". Could be a "who".

Sorry, no poetry today! Did you just roll your eyes? Oops. LOL!

Some people care what others think of them, some people don't, it's all very personalized. So, personally, I'm about 50/50 on that. Some days I'm 60/40. Sometimes, depending upon what day of the month it is, I don't give a rip. Use your imagination!

As I move on through time, because, I refuse to get older, so, as I move through life I care less & less what kind of impression I make on others. Opinions held by others will always vary greatly dependent upon their age, experiences, as well as how well they know the other person. Also, if they like them, or not.

So, it's all subjective, therefore, it shouldn't ever matter.

Yet, it does matter.

To varying extents.

It does matter.

Criticism can sting, especially if there is some truth to it. Then, again, if the criticism is coming from a loved one, a trusted one who is supposed to know all frailties of the one they are criticizing. They are supposed to have your back, yet, it doesn't always turn out that way. The ones who are trusted & loved can deal the most crushing criticism, the sting is real!

Having learned to eliminate those hyper critical people from my life was a very difficult, very pain filled lesson that I had to learn.

Learning it well has served me in countless healthy ways.

The sting has softened to just a lightly rough touch.

The bad stuff used to be easier to believe, so, in present day? The critical, negative ones, get a mental brush with the bird.

*POOF*

All gone.

Paying attention to the good things, the positive feedback, is much more healthy than ever believing the other kind!

Measuring myself with a positive "yardstick" is helping a lot! 

Do you know where this is going?

Yup! Ha ha!

FITNESS!

I work hard, sweat a lot, bust my bunnies, striving for progress, always, always striving for progress!

Covering my USAF PT shirt with sweat. These shirts are moisture resistant, so, it takes a lot of sweat to soak them. It's very gratifying to be able to work so hard that I can actually wring the shirt out with sweat dripping out of it in a light brief stream. When my heart rate reaches 172 bpm, I know it's time to back off just a little, then a song that is so filled with energy  starts on my Mp3 player. It gives me the need to keep going hard. 181 bpm. Time to back off!

Mm good yardstick!

Today, at my workout, there was a lady I met in 2013 when I first moved to Graham, Texas. She and I spoke briefly, exchanged fitness information. She's a very pleasant person. 

She's a nice one, smart, great sense of humor. The kind of person who is enjoyable to be around. Very positive.

She asked me how often I work out.

"Every day, chica! Every day!"

She told me that she couldn't tell if it was me on the elliptical in front of her, on the treadmill, or not.

Hmm.

My hair is longer, still the same color, different shoes, different workout clothes, still pretty much the same from my pov.

She told me that I looked like I had shrunk. That my legs were more slender & toned, that it looked like I'd been doing my squats. Ha ha! Fitness people, we knooww what that means. :)

She was craning her neck to talk to me so, I walked around to start walking with her on the treadmill next to her, for her comfort.

Just wanted to give her some compliments & motivation, too!

It's good to spread sugar!

I told her that I noticed that her arms were more toned, her face was more slender. It seemed to make her day! SCORE!!!

On the treads, up close, she didn't have to stretch her neck.

She asked me if I had started coming to the gym in 2013 to lose weight after having recently had a baby. I blushed.

I said, "Umm, nope, my 'baby' is 24." She smiled great big.

"Are you serious? I thought you were around 30 or so!"

Blushing again. Is she for real?

"I'm just guessing, maybe around 40?"

Then, I told her.

She, then, started pumping me for my "secrets."

I couldn't tell all of them, have to leave a little mystery!!!

I told her a few things I do to take care of my skin with natural methods such as steaming my face, then massaging honey into it, leaving the honey to set for 30 minutes when I have the time. Usually, I make the time. It feels good, looks fantastic after rinsing it off, massaging coconut oil with lavender into my face.

During the day, I use Neutrogena with sunscreen.

Marilyn Monroe used Neutrogena, it's less expensive, their formula has not changed much. It's a good product!

She and I talked for a bit longer about Texas, about health practises. 

To be truthful?

This morning, I was a bit depressed, a bit sad. I didn't want to leave my bed or my house or go anywhere. Not even the gym.

With effort, I got through it all, got my work done. Only had to deal with one nasty, mean person, so, that's a good thing. This one manager at Walmart. She's a miserable one. Seems like she walks around with a dark cloud over her head all the time.
She's a real bad news fairy. :)

In Texas, most people are polite, even if only on the surface. I'll take it!

The sweet lady had to go, she had finished her workout. This challenging Yoga Booty is giving me very good results. With my cardio over, my tread buddy gone. I went into the exercise room in the back, went through Yoga Booty. Dam! It's challenging! It's getting to be less challenging, still, difficult & painful. 

Love it!

As a reward, the Sans Barre workout. I tried to concentrate yet, I saw 3 high school guys standing at the door, watching me. They were probably thinking I couldn't hear what they were saying to each other about the "hot yoga chick", that I didn't notice them standing there

I heard them.

I saw them

Yup.

Victory & Defeat

              or

Defeat & Victory

I had it all then it slowly slipped away

Leaving me feeling so incomplete

Clenched fists while crying every day

Tears of such embittered defeat

Life is the death of me in pieces

Love in so tender a heart of gold

The sorrow of days only increases

Unbroken unspoken untold

For the ears of many are blocked

Their hearts I cannot even touch

Kind words only leave them shocked

Kind deeds would not mean very much

Romance and sweetness of feminine spirit

Soft lips round hips with soulful angel eyes

People can't fathom nor even come near it

This is how the sweet cream of humanity dies

Yet this heart of hearts will hold to the hope

That there is still a favorable chance

So I tie the knot while holding fast to that rope

In the slightest glimmer of circumstance

That hearts as of old made of gold not tin

Still beat within such sweet manly chest

With courage smarts loving kindness within

Summoning forth only the best of the best

Then hope is still very alive yea very well

The sweetness of romance is still breathing

No sting can sting there's no fiery hell

Flames nor coals nor spirits seething

For as long as love lives in the hearts of heroes

Our great nation defended with their common sweat

Their worth is far above quadrupled zeroes

Forever for always we all live in grateful debt

Conclusion approaches as it is it's natural will

Let me say with a heart that beats true

In the little space of time which my prose did fill

Forever for always I give love and kindness to you

********************************************

Brenda

c 3/20/ 2016 

What's New? What's New!

Pleasant surprises, that's what's new! 

Yoga Booty Class, too!

New muscles in my back are forming!

The weather in north Texas is warming!

Instead of growing 3" my hair has grown four!

This continual rhyming is becoming a ________!

   
   I love a fitness challenge. The highly populated class list gives me the challenges that I crave. Changing up fitness workouts so that it stays interesting, fresh, exciting is important. As someone who used to dread change, clung to whatever was a constant in my life, being one who craves change is a 360. 

6 months ago, as I was looking for something new to change up my workouts, I tried a Yoga workout that targets the, guess what?
The Booty! Butt. Tush. Ass. Popo. The tuchus. Glutes. :)

I tried it. Tried. It was so challenging, had to admit defeat, had to bail, just 15 minutes in. I was so disappointed in myself. After using other workouts that were effective, less of a challenge, new muscles have developed, I lost 2" off my abs. With strengthened muscles from Sans Barre, a bit of weight training, I'm happy to report:

Ta Daa!

Acing the Yoga Booty workout is mine! Oh, don't believe it's easy for me, now. It's still challenging. It hurts, I'm squealing, sweating, sore for 2 day after first acing it. 
Still, I'm acing it!
Loving the challenge!
As I continue to tackle Yoga Booty( I like the way that sounds!) 
new muscles are forming. 
Yup
I can feel them forming, becoming stronger. This incredible feeling of steady climb to a stronger, more lean body feels good.

Interesting things are happening along with the physical, physiological changes. It's still hard to fall asleep, I still fear sleep as I never know when the nightmares will happen. Sleep seems deeper, giving me a higher energy level when I awaken.

The spiritual message of having all that I want, all that I need, still comes to me during cardio, often, during Yoga, too. I see the girl I was, in the pink bikini, emerging. Abs are firming, there is more definition. I won't tell you my age, yet, I can tell you there are no lines, no wrinkles on my face. Feeling even better than I did at 20 or 30 is quite phenomenal.

Life just keeps getting better & better!

I wish the same for you!

If you wish, tell me what's new with you.

*smile*

Coming up Green

Yes, in honor of the upcoming holiday! Plus some revealing facts. *smile*

Do ye hae any Irish heritage? or perhaps Scottish?
If ye do, then, good on ye!

I have ancestry from my Native American father. Then, on my 
mothers side, her mother was pure German for generations back.
My mothers father, my beloved grandfather, there was English, Irish & Scottish. 
Most people have heard of DNA testing. Usually, it's done to prove paternity, or identify crime related facts.

I'm a firm believer in Groupons. When I received an offer in my email inbox from Connectmydna.com, I was excited!
Knowing my heritage, it seemed as if it would add another dimension to my knowledge of who I am. Who I really am. On a cellular level, yes, however, I have a burning curiosity about everything! It gets me in predicaments sometimes. Still, I would
rather continue to be curious about everything.
It keeps me stimulated, going on new adventures all the time!

This Groupon offer was around $20. for what is regularly 
$100 - $150. A DNA test of a sample of my ~ yup ~ DNA!

I also like to save money whenever I can!

I'm aware of dominant & recessive genes. This characteristic is what produces children in a family who look different despite their common parentage. They have varying strengths & weaknesses. Varying interests, personalities, even skin tones, hair color, hair texture, eye color, talents, intelligence levels. Every different person receives different individual percentages of the DNA that is carried by both parents.
Fascinating, yes? YES!

I bought the DNA analysis. I was excited when the DNA collection kit arrived. Followed the instructions to swab, vigorously, the inside of my right mouth cheek, then the left.       I sent it out the very next day afterward!
Then, the wait.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
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.
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Twenty days later! 
I woke up early, checked the web site. My analysis was there!
As it turns out, I am 50% Native American as I already thought!
Also, 10% German, 40% Irish & Scottish mix. Fascinating!

So, this may account for my strawberry blond hair?

idk

Discover yourself.

You're worth it!

Happy Irish Day!!!

WOW~ Mary Helen Bowers ~ WOW

She's a trainer of some very well known models. Celebs, also non-celebs, most notably, trainer to the VS models, Natalie Portman. She was invited to dance with the New York City Ballet at age 16!
That's impressive!
AHA!
So, those bombshells had to be taught a bit of grace. No big deal! It's wonderful to see success for anyone. 

Still

Having used the Sans Barre workout sometimes twice daily, it makes me wonder. What if I had continued with my ballet classes from age 12, forward? Would I have continued to advance, to excel in my skills? Would I have ever been able to leave the state of Michigan? Would I have enlisted in the USAF as I did, or not at all.
Signing up with the USAF changed the course of my life,for good! It took me on a path to different levels of thought, different skills, more importantly, it removed me from mommy & daddy's home. It's a step people must take to finish maturing into confident, successful adults. Not just of adult age, yet, a true, independent full functioning adult.

Ramblings, with random thought.

I do enjoy dance. NOT BALLET. From talking with others in the dance instructor industry, ballet teachers are known as the drama queens of dance teachers. Think ~ Emotional Train Wreck.

Lately the ballet workouts have started to receive attention. Never, 
ever, did I believe I would enjoy it.
SURPRISE!!
To me.
After suffering through the sans barre workout for awhile, now, after seeing the body changes, I almost wish I had continued.

Mary Helen Bower has several workouts in a DVD series titled, Ballet Beautiful. Have been following along to these. Most are on YouTube. She trained & danced during her entire pregnancy as well as before, then, again after. 
Her body is similar to Emily Blunt as well as Keira Knightly.
Awesome!
Her vids are just challenging enough, a little over-kill. No Worries!

Thighs are firming & toning even more.
Lower back twitches when I lay down in my bed.
Feeling extra grace in walking
Abs are firming more

Loving this!
(Jameson)

Bless the Beasts and the Children


It's Saturday. 
For me, that means going for a long workout. Then, going to the animal shelter to cuddle the kitties, to walk the dogs. Am not willing to clean their cages with my uber sensitivity to odors. Still, they need attention. They need to get out. Animals who become accustomed to being paid attention to are more likely to be taken home by a person vs animal heaven.
Workout ~ check!
Animal shelter ~ didn't make it today, however, I did rescue a sweet little yorkie who was about to get run over in traffic.
Next week, I'll make it.
Or, maybe, one day, this week.

These sweet creatures, brought into over-population by the irresponsibility of people, need love, time and attention.
Hey! Maybe I'm one of them & don't know it? Have been called a bitch at least a few times. Hmmm.
Don't we all live, grow, learn better from love, time, attention?
Here's a shocker ~ I will admit that I do better at everything when I have that in my life. Okay, so, maybe, it's not a shocker!

A year ago, I rescued 2 kittens that were born & lived under my home with a feral mother. They were so CUTE! I knew that if I took them to the animal shelter, because they were only a couple weeks old, they would probably be put down. So, I kept them, fed them watered down baby formula until they could eat solid kitten food. I litter box trained them, which was surprisingly easy, they mostly did it automatically. At first they were a bit unsteady on their feet, probably around 2 - 3 weeks old. I kept them until they were eating regular cat food, using the litter box with no accidents and had grown a bit bigger. One was a white & grey tabby, the other was all black. The black one was very sweet, purring constantly. She always wanted to be on my shoulder when I was sitting & stitching or watching a flik or working at my laptop. Not on my lap, not on my chest, always on my shoulder, softly purring right into my ear. It was such an adorable attribute.

Both kittens were around 3 months old when I took them to the animal shelter. Checking on them every time I went there, they were adopted within 1 month. They were both "fixed". YAY!
Fewer feral cats out there.
I felt a little sad, yet, happy that they went to a forever home. During this time, in my life, I'm loving the low responsibility. As much as I love all animals, the commitment it takes to have one is something that is more than I would be able to honor.
Seeing all these people who have so many cats, dogs, birds, fish, and so on, good for them. I like my freedom.

The sweetness of most animals is a wonderful attribute, sometimes found in rare people. People are just so flaky, so complicated in today's world. 3 of my 4 grown children are even so flaky, I have given up on those three. Have always been one to only go where I am wanted, loved, appreciated. 
I only feel that from 1 of my 4 kiddos. Sad commentary on people in today's world. I taught all 4 of them better than that.
1 out of 4 is what I have, it's who I will love & appreciate.

THE PUPPY PRINCIPLE!

Horses, oh, horses! Love, love, love horses. The first horse I rode extensively was Buttermilk. He was a palomino gelding, about 10 years old. He was such a great horse! He went straight from a walking gait to canter. Such a smooth ride!
There was another horse I really loved ~ Dudley. He was one of 100 or so horses stabled at Bald Mountain Stables, a place to ride for $10. per hour. Dudley was huge! The first time I went to the stables, when I told the stable hands which horse I wanted, they were a bit surprised. Dudley was a gentle giant, I was 12 years old, skinny, small for my age. I was unafraid of Dudley. He seemed to like me, too!
Whenever my mother would take me to the stables, she would drop me off, then come back later to pick me up. Before leaving for the stables, I would go out to the garden, pull up a couple carrots for Dudley, grab some from the refridgerator.
One day, my mother was in a really good mood, I had received $25. from babysitting, so, I asked her to take me to the stables. When I got there, Dudley wasn't standing at the hitching post, saddled & ready. I went to the ranch hand to ask for Dudley. The ranch hand said Dudley wasn't available. Then, he just walked away. I went to the office where the people knew me, to ask about Dudley. There were 3 people there. When I asked, they looked at each other kinda funny. 
One of them, a slender woman of probably 70 years, said to the others, I'll take care of this. She came over, draped her slender arm across my back in a kinda side hug.
She said, "Dudley won't be available any more."
I had to know why! So, I asked her.
She told me that a group of rowdy people took a few horses on a ride, ran them too hard, Dudley had broken his leg.
I felt my heart pounding!
Still, I asked her if I could just see him if he was there.
She went into the office, made a phone call, came out, motioned for me to come with her.
We went into the barn, to Dudley's stall. He was laying down, panting. She said that they were giving him pain meds until the Vet could come and send him to "horsey heaven." OH NO! I knew what that meant. My chest began to ache, like my heart was breaking for this wonderful horse that I had grown to love.

To  let him know I was there, I began clucking & saying his name, he tried to get up. I asked the woman if I could please just sit with him in the stall. My mother wasn't going to be back for another hour. She looked at me with a very sad, kind expression, told me it would be okay.
I moved very very slowly, into the stall and sat on the hay next to Dudley's head. He was a big horse, but, laying down, on his side, he looked even more massive, he almost filled up the entire stall.
He saw me, his ears pricked forward, I knelt down, put my cheek on his soft nose. I rubbed his cheek softly with my nose. Loved the scent of a horse as I still do. I petted his dark coarse mane, formed the hair into braids. His ears stayed pricked forward the whole time. The ranch hand said if Dudley would eat the carrots I brought that I could give them to him in small pieces. He had never refused any carrots or apples I brought.
I sat up, broke 1 carrot into 6 pieces. He smelled the carrot, lifted his head, slightly. I held the small piece to his lips, he took it. After 3 pieces of carrot, he wouldn't take any more. Just watching him was enough for me, that day, just to be with him. It didn't have to be a long ride.

Laying there, in his stall with him, I knew it was the last time I would see him. I laid there, softly humming to him, stroking his face, playing with his mane. A few tears trickled out of the corner of my left eye followed by many more. I was imprinting that time on my memory, the last moments with Dudley. 2 hours had passed, finally one of the ranch hands came in to check on Dudley. When he saw me, he told me that a woman with bright red hair was looking for me. My mother.
When I came out, she was angry that I had kept her waiting. She told me she would NEVER bring me to the stables ever again.
I said, "That's okay, I don't want to come back, anyway."
Even now, I remember that gentle giant and the time we had.

Maybe, when my dream happens, I will find a horse like Dudley or Buttermilk. Maybe I will find or build my sweet little house, myself. 
Maybe I will find a great dog, like Sammy.

*Dreams do, often, come true*

To Be Happy

Are you happy? Do you want to be? Do you know how to be happy?

It's something that eludes many people from all races, cultures, socio-economic backgrounds, religions, etc. Only the individual, themselves knows whether they are truly happy....or not. A funny thing, this happiness thaang. Many can have brief flashes of it. They can have whole days of it, or weeks or years, got it? Yup.

It's doubtful that anyone is happy all the time for most of their lives.

If they are, time for a reality check. 

They might be a dog & don't know it! Woof!

Personally, the key to my happiness is in doing nice things for other people. Random acts of kindness, if you will. gives me smiles. I must admit, I am sometimes more selective about who I do nice things for. When doing things for people I don't know, not so much.

When doing a nice deed for someone I know, ooohhhh boy. It's something totally different. It's how I'm wired.

When I know someone, then choose to do something nice for them, it's because they have captured my heart in a huge way!

Opposition in all things.

When someone has that sweet spot in my heart, they have more power than they realize. They have the power to deal a terrible, crushing blow if they hurt me. 

Loving someone is difficult for me, loving with my whole heart, passionately, deeply, so, if they hurt me the pain is so deep, so unbearable, on a scale of 1-10....100. Yup. Sad, hmm?

It's hella difficult to handle. Excruciating.

The way I used to deal with it was to deal a crushing blow (legal methods) to the one who hurt me, so that they feel the same level of pain that they dealt to me. In a way, I suppose I was transferring my pain to them, like an equal reflection in a mirror. Equal pain.

It's wrong, I know. It felt right at the time. It's no longer me.

Having learned & grown beyond that, it's not something I would condone nor would I recommend it.

Better to focus on positive pursuits. Volunteering where it's needed. Fitness! YES!

Creative pursuits such as web design, needlework, origami.

Looking forward to trips to places I have never been.

Then, there are random, anonymous acts of kindness. Random kindness toward selected loved ones. Am much more selective in present day than ever before in my life. It still feels good to give.

It is also an art to learn to receive graciously so others can give.

There is something I have studied for several years, now, it has shown me the way to happiness. It's a normal, natural practice.

Nothing woo-woo, aerie faerie about it, I promise you, m'love!

For those of you who think it's paganism or similar, nope. 
It's a very simple, sweet, healthy practice as most of the best things in life, are.

I'm more spiritual than religious, however, there are passages in the Bible that mention it.

Check it out!

Proverbs 23:7

Mark 9:23

Matthew 7:8

What is this?

LOA or the Law of Attraction

Whatever one focuses on, that is what they attract into their lives. Think positively, it will make a difference in your life. Think negatively, well, enough said. ;)

When a person has difficult experiences, then, they ask, "What else is going to go wrong?" They will surely get their answer, it most likely will be more pain, more suffering.

They asked, they received their answer.
Better to believe, "Okay, that's over, ready for the good stuff, now!"

Turning it around, everyone has difficult events occur. It would make more sense to say," Okay, now, time for things to go well."

Believe it.

The self talk? The dialogue in your head? That's the crucial part.

Start turning it around. Ponder upon the silver lining in everything. You have everything to gain. 

Speak to yourself in your head as if you were speaking to someone you dearly love & wish all love and happiness they can handle! It's common practice in the world to speak negatively.

Examples?

Negative: Don't be late!

Positive :  See you on time!

Negative: Don't forget!

Positive : Please remember!

Negative: Don't hesitate to call!

Positive :  Call me soon!

Eliminating the words, don't, not and no, as much as possible is a good start. There is so much more to LOA. This is simply the basic principle to get you started on your way!

As I have studied, learned, put into practice, the Law of Attraction, my life began to change. Of course, there are highs & downers like anyone, however, slowly, the highs last longer, the lows are shorter, less penetrating. Through it all, thinking, speaking, acting in positivity brings happiness that carries me through everything.

I began, 3 years ago, finding the silver lining in everything.

Positivity, happiness, love, kindness ~ YEAH ~ Love that stuff!

Think positive, train your self talk, do it, see the difference!

Peace, love & crabs! ;)