The Change

This is just an observation by "moi", lil meeee.

It has come to my attention, recently that there are an increasing number of guys who are marrying women for their money & status.

I can name 8 guys right now, who I know personally, who are living in this sad conundrum. 

Whether because of student loans, divorces or general lack of ambition, these guys are saddled with women who they don't love. Dependent on women who they depend on for money, food & a place to lay their head down. Maybe they learn to love the life of ease & comfort, yet, not the women whom they are legally tied to.

The guy may fear the stigma of divorce or he may fear the amount of money he will have to pay in alimony, child support, division of property. Therefore, he remains tied to her. He may have lived the pain of an absent father, not wanting to create the same situation for his own sons. Living in a loveless and/or sexless marriage. 

It's clear to outsiders that if the woman lost her status, her money or her power of the almighty dollar over him, he would be gone. There would be not enough to keep him tied to her.
It's obvious to everyone, though he may think others are fooled.

It seems to me that it's part of the power shift that many guys, unwittingly are facilitating.

In the past, it was nearly always the women who would marry and stay for the financial security & stability the male spouse provided which she was unwilling or incapable of gaining for herself. 

The guy may have been unattractive, overweight, uninteresting, yet, the lucrative lure would draw her in. Sometimes she learned to love him, most often, she did not.

As one who loves men, nearly everything praiseworthy about men, I find this so very sad. It may be the changing of times, yet, it's a sad change.

It's a castration of what it means to be a man, not just a male, born with higher testosterone and male genitalia.

It seems to me to be a sad existence where the guy is caught in a struggle of living a life of financial ease & status while dealing with the absence of regular sexual satisfaction as well as emotional satisfaction. Self compelled to remain sexually, emotionally faithful to retain financial status & social status.

While women have dealt with this more often than not, since the beginning of time. 

Guys, not so much.

As I see this trend being the case more and more frequently, it makes me sad to see.

Then, again, it's all about choice.

Friday musings.

Aloha!

Good In Bed

It has been many years since this came to my attention. When I bought the book, I was in the midst of turmoil, going through the "Big D" and I don't mean Dallas. *smile* I got a second hand car, he got the palace, which he took out an equity loan on to get his share, then walked away, so, I got nothing.

I saw the title of the book, it piqued my curiosity. That was probably the point of the title of the book. Jennifer Weiner is quite the cheeky lass.

I like it!

Here I was, many moons later, the book is now, not only out in hardback book, it's also out in audiobook.

How lazy do I have to be?

Just kidding.

Being lazy is good once every so often.

Jennifer Weiner - pronounced Why-nehr.

Her writing style is captivating, very realistic, very entertaining from my POV. Her heroines are imperfect people, making the most of imperfect circumstances. 

It's tits on toast, baby, they make it work!

I see quite a bit of myself in her books. That, may, also be the point of how her writing style has become so popular. The push & pressure on women, in today's world to be big money earners, rail thin models, happy all the time, super moms, organized, energized, sex kittens, great cooks, spiritualized......

It's a lot of pressure.

Her heroines bring, bubbling to the surface, what many women are struggling with in today's world.

These uber femmes got through the self doubt, the heart break, the little blips in the radar of life. They may scream, cry, feel a bit sad, then, they get back up and get out there shooting from the hip, taking no prisoners.

I have done that, myself, over and over again.

I have moved from state to state, house to house 6 times since 2012, getting ready to do it again, soon, shedding possessions as I move. Slowly, I'm reducing my belongings down to what will fit in the back of an F-250 truck bed. 

The joy in life is joy.

Being owned by "things" is a burden to me.

So, what, you may ask, is the story of "Good in Bed" about?

Sorry, my loves, the spoiler remains absent.

Buy the book or visit your local library. Get it on Kindle, even!

Be ye male or female, you will be entertained!

Lizard

I had company as I showered

yesterday

A new hatched tiny lizard, I almost took

his life away

Carefully I picked him up to put him on

the tiled wall

Watched him as I washed my body so he

wouldn't fall

Just a tiny little one of pale 

yellow

Huge dark eyes barely an inch this

little fellow

He lifted his tiny head as he looked

at me

Then wriggled his tiny body to go

and wander free

The world will regard a tiny lizard as

it may

It touched me in the knowledge that I saved a life

yesterday

Human Kindness, Tender Mercies

A bad day, we have all had them.

A good day, we have all had them.

An interesting day, oh yeah!

Maybe even a combo of all 3?

I spent the first half of the day, today, with a fellow Military Veteran, USMC, female type.

She's a lot of fun! Always surprises me. We traveled to the VA clinic in Ft Worth for a minor procedure. Good conversation on the way there, good ice cream on the way back, her treat!

While she was having her procedure done, I walked around, talked to some people. I also scraped some change together out of her personal stash. :)

It was dimes nickels, pennies. 

It added up to $8.

I went in to one of the shops in the VA clinic to ask if there was a place where I could exchange the coins for paper money. The clerk said, 

"Come right over here, ma'am." 

He took all of the change after I counted it out & gave me the paper money. I expressed my gratitude & went on to look in other shops. 

There was another shop which sold military paraphernalia from all branches of the military. Looking over the displays I saw something I thought my USMC Vet friend would like! It was, what is known as, a "P-51". 

Essentially a USMC can opener that is twice the size of a USAF "P-38". A smaller very basic can opener that is light & is easily carried on a key ring. THAT was exactly what I wanted for her!

I asked the man at the cash register for the price. He asked me if I knew what it was.

I smiled, "Yes, sir, I certainly do!" I smiled and held my key ring up to show him the P-38 which I have always carried on my key ring. 

I told him that I was a USAF Veteran, that I was there with my USMC Veteran friend and that she would LOVE the P-51!

He smiled and said, "No charge, it's yours."

My friend had finished with her appointment and walked in the door! 

I gave her, her $8. and the P-51.

My mind was whirling, thinking of all of the USMC people I knew who had served or were currently serving. It's a small gift, yet, to a lot of people, it means so much. 

I turned to the man at the cash register to ask, "How much do you sell these for?"

He said, "Just take another one, no charge."

I was really touched by this!

He could have sold them to me, made a few bucks. His smile told me that it meant more to him to share with fellow veterans than a few bucks.

His kindness made my vet friend smile. 

It also touched my heart.

Who are you?

Do you know? Do you really know yourself? Do you know where your genetics came from, what nationalities, ethnic groups, religious affiliations? Do you know why you do the things you do, why you think the way you think? 

Have you ever questioned or quizzed yourself for that "aha" moment of self discovery?

It can be painful, sometimes. It can be raw, difficult.

It can also be very comforting, revealing, enlightening.

Through all of the self discovery, the knowledge can be transforming. Revealing the truth of who you are as a person can put old "demons" to rest, finally.

It can change you, elevate you to a deeper understanding of self, of the world around you, of family "issues" that finally are resolved.

Discovery of self has so many aspects.

Being just a simple woman with complex curiosity, lacking a medical or psychological degree. Having extensive life experience as well as having gone on a few quests for self discovery, I can tell anyone that getting to know yourself is a transforming experience.

While getting to know yourself psychologically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, something also happens as a bonus.

At least, it happened for me.

While getting to know myself in every other way besides physically, there was a bonus.

My mind became synced very sharply with my body. My body became ever more communicative with my mind as to what it needed, what was good for it on any day, any hour.

Body language ~ ha ha!

Maybe it was my increased daily practice in Yoga.

Yo-Ga is, after all, Mind & Body connection.

Maybe it was that, as I was striving to get into better physical condition, as the layers of fat on my body began melting away, the nerve endings were closer to the surface, producing sensations that

made me fee more alive. More alive than I had felt in a very long time.

While going through my days, I felt my clothes lightly brushing against my skin, sending tingling sensation all over. Feeling the tightness of muscles which I had forgotten I had. Becoming more lean, stronger, feeling my body tighten all over, umm, yupp. This also produced more happiness.

Some days, I can actually feel serotonin uptake.

This is induced naturally, being one who rarely takes any drug, legal & never illegal or even consumes alcohol, this is natural. It's the by product of becoming in tune with myself.

Often, I have heard people say that they like it when a person "knows what they want."

Guess who knows exactly what she wants, what she does not want, who she is, where she wants to go?

This chick!

*smile*

Spiritual

Would you consider yourself spiritual or religious? Or both?

There are no right or wrong answers.

You is who you is.

Just fine, just as you are.

Of course, there are more than 3 different ways to be. Atheist, agnostic, non-denom or any combination including other religions, beliefs, practices. We live in a very diverse world.

Just as a mammals egg begins as a small, single cell. When fertilized it divides and divides and divides. So, it goes, with the world we live in. Especially since the technology explosion which keeps diversifying. Many people make their technology their life vs using technology to enhance their life. Can't go 1 day without getting on their cell phone to check social media, Google, music, sports scores. 

That's an exaggeration!

Many people can't go without checking their phone for 1 hour unless it's enforced upon them by other forces.

A body checking their phone will remain tethered to their phone unless acted upon by other forces.

Ha ha, yup!

I enjoy technology, yet, it rules my life far less than others I see around me. I love to get out in nature, walking around the lake, being inside my head during my cardio at the gym.

I enjoy quiet meditation with little interruption from a cell phone signaling me that I have a text, a phone call, an update from social media.

Meditation can be done anywhere. I used to go into a trance-like state while feeling the warm, soapy water, washing dishes by hand or rinsing well to prep them for the dish-washer. Looking outside at the trees being blown by the wind, birds flying through the sky, butterflies floating by with very little cares in the world.

There's a reason why there is often a window in front of a kitchen sink!

*smile* 

You could say that I made the most of it.

Did you ever think of it that way? 

Fresh perspective, here. 

Throughout my day, I'm constantly asking myself questions inside my head. 

Why is that person so sad?

What is the mechanism inside this machine that makes it work?

How did I get light green eyes?

What are the colors that mixed to make that beautiful new color?

If I touched that, how would it feel?

I am deeply curious, have burning curiosity.

Contrary to the popular colloquialism, the cat that was curious had some very exciting adventures!

Many statements I have heard seem to be thrust out there to put the kibosh on curiosity, creativity, inventiveness. Those limiting beliefs & statements only served to make me even more curious than I already was, even more curious, even in present day.

The metaphysical world is a natural world that Hollyweird has perverted, re-invented, put a false spin on a beautiful aspect of this human experience. I believe otherwise.

Personally? I would say that I am more spiritual than religious. I feel the presence of these forces, constantly. A soft, gentle, still voice speaks to me, daily. Helping me to make good choices, to discern what is going on vs what appears to be happening, to know, for myself what something is instead of what other people say it is.

Those times when I did not listen resulted in deep emotional pain.

I learned to listen.

As an intuitive person, I feel the energy of other people around me, I feel more than I show that I'm feeling. I know more than I speak of. I hear more than what a person is saying, deeper, into what they are not saying. As a linguist, I hear the persons voice. Their tones, their undertones, their joy, their pain, their peace.

Are you smellin' what I'm stepping in?

*smile*

Maybe it's my Native American heritage. 

This intuitive nature has a price, though. Being spiritually sensitive makes me emotionally sensitive, tender hearted, call it what you wish. It has its' price.

Early in life I was so sensitive that I was easily moved to tears by even a slightly unkind word, even a slightly angry look from anyone. Maybe, this is what made me love my Grandfather Kendall so much. He was a gentle giant. Soft spoken, kind yet firm, he was as honest with me with his words as he was with his actions. 

He was the first person to verbally recognize that I was a sensitive child.

He warned my mother to be more careful with me. She didn't listen, yet, her father did chastise her when they both thought I couldn't hear. I heard. She heard him, yet, did not heed his counsel.

And so, it went.

I had to learn to continuously assert my boundaries, while others constantly tried to force their will upon me. It was difficult.

In present day, as I reflect upon experiences of a spiritual nature, I have come to realize that many people wish for those experiences which I have had. Realizing that these experiences can be had by anyone who is willing to allow them.

I wonder, could they handle the price?

These people have the option which I lack. Spiritual inspiration is something within me that is on, all the time. 

The on/off switch is absent from my personal makeup.

This means that I do, for sure, have personal boundaries, yet, the spiritual aspect is on, within me, 24/7.

Boundaries are an aspect which I had to develop later in life than many other people. It took a great deal of pain, time, work, introspection, yet, putting boundaries in place was done.

DON'T SAY IT! Ha ha!

(Better late than never)

Ew.

Monday musings inside my head before my sweat sesh at the gym in my quest for a killer bod.

L8erz

You Tube Much?

Hello, my name is Brenda and I'm a You Tube addict.

*smile*

You Tube is awesome sauce, the bomb.com.

Yeah! I really love You Tube.

I have used it to groom my 2 Yorkie's, to fix my car, to get new ideas for cooking, for cleaning, new and exciting ways to do anything~!

More recently, since getting a new iPad air, as a gift, I've been using it to change up my fitness so that my fitness routine is anything but!

I especially like the abs workouts by the user name PforP or Passion For Profession. Also, the Yoga practice by BohoBeautiful. Really good!

The workouts are just challenging enough while not leaving me frustrated at how far I have to go.

Then, there's the music and the music videos. The dance choreography. Love it!

Feeling a bit down or sad? YouTube! Great comedy, great vines of people doing amazing things, um, also, amazingly stupid things!

When I hit a plateau in my fitness progress, I know, it's my body, telling me to change it up!

I'm very closely in tune with my body,so, I listen, when it tells me what it needs to accomplish what I want in my fitness goals. The body wisdom is amazing. It has no distractions, no hidden agenda, no sense of guilt. My body knows what it needs.

It speaks to me.

I listen.

Have you noticed something on You Tube lately that is just over the top wonderful?

Please share!

It's the freakin' weekend ~ gonna have me some fun!

Anger Management?

For centuries the world has been a male dominated place. A place where men reigned supreme while up until 100 years ago, even in the USA, females were regarded as property.

In many places in the world today, females are considered as property or of inferior value. When compared to the value of a male child vs a female child newborn, most cultures place more value on a male child.

I, myself experienced this after giving birth to 2 female children, their father was disappointed. He wanted a son, very much. He was at the happiest I had ever seen him, after my son was born. 
I was off the proverbial hook.

Maybe guys think it proves how manly they are when their wife gives birth to a boy? or Several male children? Maybe it makes him feel like less of a man if he only sires female children?
Untwist your boxer briefs, I'm simply speculating. :)

There may be some truth to a more masculine man having more sons born to he and his wife than daughters.
In my experience, I have noticed that when there is a great deal of passion between a guy and his wife, maybe the vigorous, passionate sex releases the swimmers closer to the woman's eggs. Therefore, the sperm will have less work, less distance to travel to fertilize their target. In fertility studies, the facts have shown that the sperm which will produce a male child are somewhat slower, even "lazy" if you will. So, with passionate, vigorous sex, the male producing sperm will have more of a head start, increasing their chances. 

Ex-huzz was really angry with me when my son was conceived. Just sayin.'

Maybe, it's the higher testosterone guys who produce more male children or a low testosterone guy & some good ol' angry, make-up sex! Ha ha!

I digress.

Male children are valued above female children all over the world whether the guys admit it or not.

The huge influx of Chinese girls adopted in the USA as well as other countries proves this to be true at least for the Chinese people. It's extremely rare to see an adopted Chinese boy. It does happen.

For many years the males of the world have enjoyed a dominant position in business, in the military, in professions such as law enforcement, firefighters, EMTs.

However, the acceptance of females in these professions has only come about in the past 150 years and had to be forced to bring it about.
There are still problems with sexual harassment, rape, bullying among the males who feel uncomfortable with females in their chosen profession.

I'm getting to the main point.

I have noticed an anger in males toward females, lately.

Males in their late teens, early 20s and sometimes on into their 30s.
Even my own son posts repeated misogynistic videos, memes, etc on his FB page, much to my sorrow.
I certainly didn't raise him that way.

Males in these age groups are required to live in a world which is male dominated to a lesser degree than at any time in history. 
The behaviors which their grandfathers exhibited to keep females in their place, no longer are allowed. Those behaviors are even illegal in many countries all over the world.
Not practicing Muslim nations, their females are still under tight control of their fathers, husbands, brothers, even, sometimes, their own sons.

Glad I am a citizen of the USA. I would have been put to death long ago under Islamic rules. I have a warrior spirit.

When I see the anger against females from the age group I mentioned, by males. It's very sad.
Maybe 3 - 4 generations in the future, the misogyny will be replaced with healthy chivalry, with understanding.
Maybe, 3-4 generations in the future, the males will not be so angry when they understand that females are to be loved, cherished and not to be used as ~

~A band-aid to escape an unhappy marriage
~A sexual plaything to be used then discarded
~A threat to his masculinity
~A source of anger & frustration
~An escape from reality

I am that feminine, girly type who loves guys. However, my experiences with males has taught me that it's not safe to love a guy or care about him. It's not safe to be alone with him in an enclosed area such as his home, my home or a hotel room or even any enclosed area.

I started out in my late teens believing that all people were good. 
Because I was.
I believed that people meant what they said.
Because I did.
I believed that all people wanted to be loved & cared about, if they said they loved me, they did.
Because I was that way.

The males I have come into contact with have shown me that none of these are true. Males have shown me the ugly side of what it is to be a male person.

They have shown me that males lie constantly to get whatever it is they want. They will say anything, do anything, to accomplish their agenda. The males I have known have shown me that cheating on his wife and kids is just part of life. Just good clean fun.

These actions are actually very damning to families, to individuals, to the society we live in.

I lived, I learned.

I learned to stop believing peoples words as well as, often, their actions.
Sincerity can be faked so easily.

I learned that no one can be trusted until they have displayed trustworthiness, repeatedly over a period of months, not days.

I learned that so many females have become so fed up with the damaging actions of  males. Now that they have the freedom, they are beginning to act in the same damaging way males have always acted.

It's just as damaging whether it's a female cheater, liar, deceiver as it is when a male perpetrates this evil upon other people.

When I see these males 15 - 40 spouting woman hate, I know it's just the beginning of the male adjustment to females and males moving toward an understanding of each other.
Growing pains.

That's exactly what it is.
Growing pains to bring about change.

Sans Barre Yoga

Yep! It's a thing. *smile*

There are fads & phases in fitness. It's an ever growing, ever changing industry. There has been, at the start of the resurgence, Sweatin' To The Oldies!

Then, there was Dance Fitness. A trio or quartet of sexy girls or guys in full makeup & leotards. I'm sure a lot of people got some good cardio from THAT whether physical motion or manual action.

Then, came, Jazzercize, Zumba, P90X, etc, etc.

Now, there are workouts that started probably a 1.8 years ago, that combine Ballet & Yoga. It made its' way to this small town I'm living in, around 7 months ago. 

In the class I'm in, and LOVING! it's so effective on several different levels.

Stretching

Balance

Toning

Co-ordination

FUN!

Ballet looks effortless when you are watching it, not so much when you're the tiny dancer. *smile*

The same can be said for Yoga. It's a real sweat sesh when I'm in my Yoga practice. 

Believe it or not, I get a boo-tay burn from Yoga just as much as from my hour on the 

Elliptical Machine!

Combining Yoga AND Ballet? O yeah! 

What have I noticed? 

Glad you asked!

I have noticed that my movements are more fluid, more graceful. My balance is better, my inner thighs have become slimmer, more toned. The Sans Barre workout lasts 45 minutes. 

Long enough to give me a good "glisten", long enough to make my muscles burn & tone. Awesome-sauce!

If you have ever considered trying Yoga for fitness, stress relief or, as a guy, to see girls in their sexy Yoga pants. I would say GO FOR IT!

*smile*

Ballet?

Well, I really wouldn't recommend it to a guy, yet, Yoga was developed by a guy. Many guys find Yoga to be great stress relief.

Grab your mat, come to Yoga class!

L8ers, baby!

Missing Gene

Wherever you are, out there, in the world, hope you're having a good day!

Are you?

Hope so.

I hear so many people talk of how they are looking forward to their kids having kids.

The dreaded "G" word, as in grandparents.

UGH!

I'm missing the "G" gene.

I must be. I have never been one of those people who looked forward to being a "G". It doesn't thrill me, it doesn't sadden me. There's just a feeling of ~ meh. 

Possibly, it's because I did 90% of the work in raising my own children. Ex-huzz went to sleep and left me to do the work in getting Christmas ready, getting Birthdays put together, the work in raising the children. He was so immature, he was more like a child than he ever was, a father or even a man. Except when it came to making more babies. He was all about that. He wanted to be "friends" with the kiddos. No bueno.

Being friends with your children AFTER they have moved out of the home and are fully self supporting is when the "being friends" should happen.

Telling a "friend" that they have to finish their homework or pick their wet towels up off the floor doesn't work. Better to be a responsible PARENT.

So often, I felt like I was the only adult in the home. 

I'm happy that I had all of my kiddos at a young age, as, now, I'm free to enjoy life without worrying about them. Nope, I don't worry very much. Well, maybe just a little.

So, I am not one of those women who wants to be a "G".

My kiddos can pop all the babies they wish, out into the the world. Since I rarely see my own kiddos, this means there will be very small chance of ever getting to know their kiddos. They all live far away from me.

How can I care about someone I don't know? It's really reaching to expect someone to care about another person of any age when they have not spent much time with them. Then, there's the dynamic of your kids with-holding contact with their kids because your kiddos become displeased with something the "G" said or did.

This is an age when all of my kiddos are spread out all over the country. I only make as much effort to keep in touch as they do. My youngest and I talk on the phone nearly every Sunday, yet, see each other briefly every couple years. The other three are busy with their lives. I will never be the mother who cries about her kids not keeping in touch. If they truly love me they will keep in touch, if they don't then they won't keep in touch.

There's lots of time for sad regret after my death. 

These are the facts.

Add to this, all the negative connotations on the words ~ 

"Grandma"

and

"Grandpa"

There is ~

"That dress looks so grandma on you"

and

"Come on grandma, speed up"

(when a person is driving at the speed limit)

and

"Eeww! That smells like a grandma"

A title that used to have connotative respect, revering someone in their status.

Now?

It's more of an insult than it is a statement of respect. 

Sometimes, I think that I had to do so much work, taking care of my 4 kiddos plus several of everyone else's children, taking care of a selfish man who was more like having another child ~ I'm just burned out on getting all excited about babies.

The times when I have seen the kiddos my one daughter has was fun, yet, I can count on one hand the number of times that has been.

Tough to get attached or excited about something you don't have.

Maybe I'm just missing the "G" gene.

I feel so much like a kid myself, right now. I know my actual chronological age, yet, I feel as if I'm around 25. Not in acting like a child or the immature way so many people try to dress like a teenager when they are well past that stage of life.

It's more about seeing the wonder of the world around me. It's more about retaining a child like curiosity about everything in life.

I feel as if I have my whole life ahead of me.

A life of discovery, new experiences, new things to try, traveling to be done. 

Not necessarily a child, yet, a child like wonder about the world!

Get out there, be brave, explore, be a free spirit!

L8ers!

Beautiful Day!

Beautiful day

Bright sunshine

Time of struggle

For this heart of mine

Birds singing above

Traffic lightly humming

The feeling in the air

Autumn is coming

Life is not perfect

Could be better

Could let this girl shine

If only it would let her

Have to keep on

Just keep going

Believing and hoping

Finally knowing

Always trying to do

Some good in this day

Beneficial or not

Do it anyway

Feeling sane feeling happy

In body and soul

The work is working

Someday this girl will feel whole

The Weekend is Here!

What will you do with your 2 days of bliss? 

Will you ~

Catch up on sleep

Mow the lawn

Hit the clubs

Sit quietly and read

Get together with friends

Get together with family

Get an extra workout in

Take a long bike ride

What would you do if you could?

Jet off to a tropical beach

Look up a prior flame who still burns for you

Hit an awesome buffet

Go to a movie then out for dinner

or

Go out for dinner then a movie

Spend time with your children if the ex allows you to do so

Take the Harley out for a road trip!

For me, the nightmares of the night, give way to allow the day to take over, to reassure me, with the bright sunshine. To reassure me that I am relatively safe from harm.

This is a gift.

In, what should not be, my battle with the Veterans Administration, having to re-live the events which did some damage, it has taken it's toll. 

Oh, I try to keep the past in the past where it should be. Yet, other forces give me no choice but to dredge the pain of an earlier time, when I was violated, assaulted, then told that it never happened.

I was briefly involved with "Ron" who held a bit of sway, enough to keep the other guys in the squadron from bothering me. When that liaison ended, the guys felt that it was open season on me, once again. Several times they would say, "HAH! Ron isn't here to protect you, bend over!" Then, the perpetrator would laugh.

It was nothing I would have ever chosen. Yet, until I was ordered to move into a dwelling off of the Base, the terror went on.

When the weekend arrives in present day, I know the gym will be more busy than usual. So, I stick to the exercise room in the back, with a closed door. 

It's peaceful, wonderful. Just me & a yoga mat. Feeling my body become stronger, more flexible, more lean.

My muscles twitch a lot even when I'm not working out. Often, I will check to make sure an insect isn't on my skin. Yep, lol, it feels kinda like that.

With the weekend, comes the one day I can socialize with the singles group here in town. They're a decent group of people who are single, like me. Some are divorced, some are never married, some have a BF or GF, yet, I feel like I am more on an even footing with them. We have a Sunday School lesson, then, we all go out for lunch after church.

It's nice.

Sometimes, there is an activity such as a potluck, board games, sometimes it's going to a fair or a sports game. I don't enjoy those, so, I don't go. 

One time, we all went to the rodeo when it was in town. That was really fun! I didn't think I would enjoy it, yet, I did! 

I even bought a gift for my youngest daughter, wishing she was there, with me and this fun group of people. 

Half way through September, already, Texas is cooling off. I look forward to October 1st when I will have the money to buy more food, will feel a bit of financial relief.

Maybe the VA will come through for me?

I hold on, waiting....waiting....waiting.

For now? It's daylight, it's the weekend! A time for getting out there or staying in there. *smile*

Love, peace & crabs.

Mr. President

Thomas oh Thomas what a man you were

On your home soil or cavorting abroad

You caused quite a stir

Your eloquent pen your blue velvet coats

Delighted and charmed all

As did your penned notes

A life well lived though fraught with its pains

Left such an impression

That it still remains

I have toured your home with its' well tended grounds

Walked where you walked 

Hearing mockingbird sounds

History and historians have tried to darken your name

Using facts of today applied to your way

Your greatness remains the same

Even among the men of your day you stood out
With grace and prose in your manner
Your commanding way without doubt

I wish there were more men like you around today
What a better world we would have
I daresay

Having fallen in love with a man who is no longer present
In my humble way I just have to say
I miss your kind, Mr. President

GOT PTSD?

If you have it, you know it.

On some level, in your mind, you know it.

I knew it without a diagnosis, now, I know how much PTSD affects me and has affected my life, with a diagnosis.

As one who tries to stay positive, to refrain from self pity, often I have felt as if I was working 10 times as hard to accomplish what others seem to do with ease.

One big myth of PTSD is that it only occurs in those military veterans who have served in combat.
That's like saying there is only one way to do anything. There is more than one way to do almost everything. For many years, the military swept the sexual harassment & sexual assaults on members of the military under the rug.
Many of the harassment cases happened both on duty as well as off duty.

I was harassed & assaulted both on and off duty, denied medical treatment to prove that a rape was perpetrated on me. In fact, everyone around me denied it even happened.
The method often known as "burying your head in the sand" or "look the other way" a very damning act of denial. This action only made it worse as is proven by the numerous cases of PTSD in both male and female veterans.
The military has even given it a name!
PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) as a result of MST (Military Sexual Trauma).

In an effort to stem the wrongful acts, to make me inaccessible in my off duty time, to keep me safe, I was given BAQ (Basic Allowance for Quarters or extra money to pay for a place to live outside the military installation), then ordered to move off base.
ORDERED!
As an single E-2 with no dependents, this act is very rare and is done ONLY in extenuating circumstances.
In my case, it was done to protect me from the males I worked with, lived close to, dined with. 

Assault & harassment is very damaging in itself, add to that, the denial of those around me. Even my supervisor, telling me that he knew 2 of my perpetrators so well and that they would never do the things I said had been done. So, I MUST be lying, right?

UGH!

So, nothing happened, I was denied medical treatment, was not allowed to make a statement of charges against my assailants. I wasn't even given validation in any form. 

So, how does PTSD affect me, in present day?

I had held it at bay, sought counseling from time to time. As a mother lioness protecting her cubs, as I raised my children to the best of my ability. I held the PTSD symptoms of nightmares, being so jumpy I screamed when startled. Deep trust issues as well as finding it difficult to establish friendships.
Especially deep mistrust of males.

I really thought the brief stints of counseling took care of the issues.

When I first talked to the VA Officer in the town where I live, I was astounded at what he told me.
The jumpiness, the difficulty falling asleep & staying asleep, the nightmares, the inability to trust, the difficulty in sustaining employment, the dark deep depression & anxiety. These were all classic PTSD manifesting itself from the MST I sustained.
I felt so isolated, as if there were a thick pane of glass between myself from the world around me. The deep depression, then, the anger & irritability over small matters. I thought that the extreme weight gain I experienced was my genetic curse. I was eating in an attempt to form a barrier around me, to keep others away from me.
Even the anxiety which caused me to leave employment in an effort to stem the pain, somehow, was a part of the PTSD effects.

With that said, I want to reiterate that I have had to be very strong in order to keep going in life. Little did I know, I was putting upon myself, the same "head in the sand" that was foisted upon me while serving in the military. 
It's a shameful thing to be assaulted in such a deeply personal way. It becomes even more shameful when the victim is laughed at & told that it never happened. 

I have carried that shame, that painful lack of validation with me for a long time.
Maybe, just maybe, someone has listened to me, now, validated me, just maybe, the pain I have carried with me will be heard and healed.

Time does not heal all wounds. The wounds require tender loving care, healing balm of ~

1. Acknowledgment
2. Validation
3. Airing the scars
4. Final healing of the pain

The TLC can't give back all the years of suffering, yet, it can forge a new person who can truly be strong & happy. The energy expended to maintain the facade can be directed toward more enjoyable pursuits.

Will this happen for me?

I have renewed hope that it will.

When you are loved, how do you know?

People can fake being caring, being genuinely concerned when they have an agenda in mind which involves exploitation.

Their agendas may include yet can be more than one ~
Sex
Money
Time
Attention
Resources
Material possessions
Status
Emotional gratification
Power

The list can go on and on. In an earlier time, as I stated before, many people used things then loved other people. It is, sadly, often the reverse in today's materialistic world, lacking genuine care.
Manipulating others with lies that have just a kernel of truth so as to make the lies seem believable.

The difference between genuine care & friendship vs using some one is that the true caring with no end game goal is present.
As children from birth to around 5 years of age, most people are very trusting of everyone. Some children learn mistrust of others earlier, some learn it later.
Some people ~ such as myself ~ remained a bit naive even into adulthood. 
I WANTED to believe that people were good at heart, that they meant what they said, that's the way I am.
Such a pollyanna view of the world.

The truth is that if you trust without first watching another person, if you give trust, it will result in disaster on some level nearly every time.
Even people who seem trustworthy may be found to be false.
Even people who were, years ago, trustworthy are not, now.
Even people who are supposed to love you, care about you, are not.
Even when unicorns eat butterflies & fart rainbows. *smile*

How do you know?
How do you distinguish?

In my experience, males will extort a girls desire to be loved by saying whatever it takes to get what he wants. Lies lies lies.
I am not like this (as a girl) yet, many girls will use their charms to extort whatever resources they can from a guy.

Then there is the "friend in need". They come around whenever they need money or resources, then, they disappear.

Such pitfalls in life.

The East Indian poet Tgor said ~

"When we feel beauty, we know it as truth."

When a person truly cares, they will like and/or accept everything about you. Your flaws are "cute" or "quirky". Your feelings, your point of view, matter to them. They consider it, vs quashing it with their own p.o.v.or with facts they quote from memory.
When someone cares about you, you can feel the "click" aka "connection".
Therein lies the difference, not to be confused with different lies.
*smile*

These pearls of thought sound like basic knowledge, yet, it takes time to apply them.
Keeping the knowledge in thought is easy, until that flesh & blood being is right there with you, in person. Application of holding back & observing takes the strength of Arnie to apply!

I'll be back!

I know the way.... sometimes!

When a person has taken an ocean cruise or a trip to a specified destination or even, simply, done something out of the mundane, they, often talk about it.
Or
At least, they talk of the experience in the way in which they perceived it, how it made them feel. What it was like for them, specifically, in their personal recollection.

When a person allows themselves to fully live, to experience what moves into their path in life or maybe just in peripheral, it shapes, it molds, changes them. Hopefully, with minimal damage.
Although, damage is, sometimes, part of the human experience, as well. 
*BREAKING NEWS*

All people who have let themselves fully live, endure some form of damage, acquire baggage to some degree. 
What is baggage?

Baggage is what a person chooses to hang onto. It is a choice. 

To hang onto hurts, pains, physical and/or emotional pain, you really do have a choice.

Oh, I'm not going to go into the cliche', holding a grudge is like.....
or
Holding the pain inside is......

What is NOT baggage?

Children
Happy memories
Mementos of a sentimental nature
Pets
Physical scars which have healed

The phrase ~
"If you want something to heal, you must stop touching it."

It rings so true.

Many people have the sadness of unfinished business that they carry around. The disappointing relationships which they repeat the story of, at every opportunity. 
I have been guilty of this, myself, in the past.
No more.
If you want to stop hurting from an emotional wound, you must move forward, leave it alone. Let it heal, give yourself this gift.
Get professional help from a trained professional counselor if you need it, yet, let yourself move forward.

So, because I have lived past the age of 10 years, I have experienced a lot, done many things fearlessly. Sometimes, fearfully, yet, I went into them, knowing the danger.
I was going to LIVE! Dang it! *smile*

Sometimes, an endeavor or event turned out just as I thought it would, more often? It was fraught with surprises, just the way I like it. I lived, learned, learned what I wanted more of, other things I learned the lesson, content with the memory of it.

As I moved around, living in different places, talking with different people, it came to my attention that I had done more in my life in the time I have than most people I met of all different ages. In the military, it's said to never volunteer, um, I volunteered. It took me to some enriching experiences.
Some experiences, I would like to forget.
With my incredibly sharp memory, that's less possible.
Many experiences, I cherish.

Having gone many places, done a lot of things, there are many stories of personal adventures inside me. Some, I have shared with others, many are better off left unshared.

With so much life experience, I can say, I know how to do many wonderful things. As a very feminine person, much of it is of a domestic nature such as ~

Cooking from scratch without a recipe
Baking bread & bread products (donuts, cinnamon rolls, cream cheese danish, bagels, croissant, biscuits, dinner rolls)
Constructing clothing without a sewing pattern
Basic sewing
Textile stain removal
Woodworking
Ceramic item construction
Growing herbs from seed

Then, there are the other skills I have acquired~

How to lose an extreme amount of body weight, naturally
(yes, I have done this, no surgery or pills, required)
Yoga
Pilates
Change the oil on my car
Change a flat tire on my car
Map reading
Physical healing with natural remedies


In addition to this, I have learned how to stop the desire to have a mate in my life. 
Having heard many other girls whine & pine for a guy in their life, I wish I could show them how I have come to this point. It did take pain, time, effort, to do this. I'm a healthier, happier person, since I learned to quash this desire which is a natural part of being human.
Part of it was the pain of 2012. The other part is strengthening my mind to think along a different path. Allowing different neuron paths to form.

This is a far cry from being a femi-nazi.

I will always need a man, will always need men in my life. Will always be appreciative of the male nature. It's a part of me.

I have learned to be happy, over the top happy, just as I am. Just me, myself, my own company. Guys are more of a sweet piece of the pie, the whole pie IS the happiness of life.

We all have to find our way to be happy, standing alone. I wish I could show other girls this.

For now?

I know the way.

Everything changes!!!

Name it, it will most likely change soon, or be in process of changing. 

Our bodies

The seasons

Children

Laws

Rules

Jobs

Yeah

You get the gist.

Since I lived in a small town as a child, very little changed. I attended 3 schools from K - 12.

Elementary School K - 5

Junior High 6 - 9

High School 10 - 12

That was it. 

Lived in the same house with mom, dad, Brothers, sisters fro age 4 to 18 when I left.

Change was scary for me. 

Now?

I have learned to embrace it!

Especially the changes I'm seeing in my body as I become more toned, more lean. My abs are becoming tighter, more toned. Backside is longer, leaner, more muscle. 

Feeling my muscles twitch as I lay in bed at night, feeling the tightness as I go about my day. Honestly?

When I piled on the pounds, I forgot how good the tightness feels. I forgot the great feelings of strength, confidence. I forgot how good it felt just doing something as simple as walking.

Now?

As I become more lean, the PTSD nightmares rattle me, yet, less than before. Gaining my assertiveness back is also a wonderfully empowering thing.

Embracing change is crucial to becoming more peaceful, happier, a bit more confident, too.

Change is a positive event. It keeps everything growing, moving.

Christian Carter said, "If you're not growing, you're dying."

"Mama whispered softly, time will ease your pain. Life's about changing, nothing ever stays the same. How can I help you to say good bye?
It's okay to hurt, it's okay to cry.
Come, let me hold you and I will try, to help you say, good bye."

~The Judds~