GOT PTSD?

If you have it, you know it.

On some level, in your mind, you know it.

I knew it without a diagnosis, now, I know how much PTSD affects me and has affected my life, with a diagnosis.

As one who tries to stay positive, to refrain from self pity, often I have felt as if I was working 10 times as hard to accomplish what others seem to do with ease.

One big myth of PTSD is that it only occurs in those military veterans who have served in combat.
That's like saying there is only one way to do anything. There is more than one way to do almost everything. For many years, the military swept the sexual harassment & sexual assaults on members of the military under the rug.
Many of the harassment cases happened both on duty as well as off duty.

I was harassed & assaulted both on and off duty, denied medical treatment to prove that a rape was perpetrated on me. In fact, everyone around me denied it even happened.
The method often known as "burying your head in the sand" or "look the other way" a very damning act of denial. This action only made it worse as is proven by the numerous cases of PTSD in both male and female veterans.
The military has even given it a name!
PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) as a result of MST (Military Sexual Trauma).

In an effort to stem the wrongful acts, to make me inaccessible in my off duty time, to keep me safe, I was given BAQ (Basic Allowance for Quarters or extra money to pay for a place to live outside the military installation), then ordered to move off base.
ORDERED!
As an single E-2 with no dependents, this act is very rare and is done ONLY in extenuating circumstances.
In my case, it was done to protect me from the males I worked with, lived close to, dined with. 

Assault & harassment is very damaging in itself, add to that, the denial of those around me. Even my supervisor, telling me that he knew 2 of my perpetrators so well and that they would never do the things I said had been done. So, I MUST be lying, right?

UGH!

So, nothing happened, I was denied medical treatment, was not allowed to make a statement of charges against my assailants. I wasn't even given validation in any form. 

So, how does PTSD affect me, in present day?

I had held it at bay, sought counseling from time to time. As a mother lioness protecting her cubs, as I raised my children to the best of my ability. I held the PTSD symptoms of nightmares, being so jumpy I screamed when startled. Deep trust issues as well as finding it difficult to establish friendships.
Especially deep mistrust of males.

I really thought the brief stints of counseling took care of the issues.

When I first talked to the VA Officer in the town where I live, I was astounded at what he told me.
The jumpiness, the difficulty falling asleep & staying asleep, the nightmares, the inability to trust, the difficulty in sustaining employment, the dark deep depression & anxiety. These were all classic PTSD manifesting itself from the MST I sustained.
I felt so isolated, as if there were a thick pane of glass between myself from the world around me. The deep depression, then, the anger & irritability over small matters. I thought that the extreme weight gain I experienced was my genetic curse. I was eating in an attempt to form a barrier around me, to keep others away from me.
Even the anxiety which caused me to leave employment in an effort to stem the pain, somehow, was a part of the PTSD effects.

With that said, I want to reiterate that I have had to be very strong in order to keep going in life. Little did I know, I was putting upon myself, the same "head in the sand" that was foisted upon me while serving in the military. 
It's a shameful thing to be assaulted in such a deeply personal way. It becomes even more shameful when the victim is laughed at & told that it never happened. 

I have carried that shame, that painful lack of validation with me for a long time.
Maybe, just maybe, someone has listened to me, now, validated me, just maybe, the pain I have carried with me will be heard and healed.

Time does not heal all wounds. The wounds require tender loving care, healing balm of ~

1. Acknowledgment
2. Validation
3. Airing the scars
4. Final healing of the pain

The TLC can't give back all the years of suffering, yet, it can forge a new person who can truly be strong & happy. The energy expended to maintain the facade can be directed toward more enjoyable pursuits.

Will this happen for me?

I have renewed hope that it will.