Wound up Tight! :)

Actually.......it was fun to push your buttons.
Why?
Because, you're so entertaining in how you always reacted.
Mostly predictable.
Sometimes, a bit unpredictable. That was the fun, for me, anyway. 

After awhile, it was less fun, it was more pain for you, so, I apologize for causing your pain, causing your suffering. After awhile, with me pushing your buttons, you were reacting, it became the dance we did which was most of our relationship. 
Now, our relationship is just obligatory interaction because of kids, property, money, taxes.
UGH.
Someday, when the kids are fully grown, the property & taxes are settled, there will be barely a remnant of what was "us".
You moved on so fast, it looks like I have moved on when, in truth, I'm still hurting. 
I'm even slightly bitter.
I joke, I laugh, I drink, masturbate, go out with friends. I do my job as I always have. I, even started taking college courses. I'll be retirement age, soon, have to have another career lined up. Still have bills to pay, obligations to fulfill.
Someday I might meet someone.

Human beings only do something if they are getting something from it. 
Something.
Feeling, food, money, sex, gratification, prestige, awards. 
Much more.
When someone pushes your buttons?

Give them "mute". 

No pay off.

All is cope-aesthetic.

Catch & Release

I held on as long as I could hold on
Then I let go
Not knowing how long it would last
I loved them so

I hurt as much as one person can hurt
Until it did no good
As much as I loved with all my soul
I knew it never would

Love is only love when you are loved in return
Pain is always pain
You hurt while it's none of their care nor concern
The damage is the same

Now the healing has begun now it is complete
Being the keeper of my own soul
Taking responsibility for the care of my heart
Making the shreds become whole

Having been through this process so many times
So many lessons learned
Who to trust who to turn away from at last
Badges of courage earned

Who are you?

This will be long. Settle in or come back later, when you have more time, when you feel the feels. :)

Sincerely, I hope you come back.

Caveat: The BS OW spouted is not only before the writing of this affirming poeme , I believe that her BS pronouncement of all that is written or spoken before "and" becomes null & void is untrue.
It's false psycho babble.

You are not your age
Nor the size of clothes you wear 
You are not a weight
Or the colour of your hair
You are not your name
Or the dimples in your cheeks
You are all the books you read
And all the words you speak
You are your croaky morning voice
And the smiles you try to hide
You're the sweetness in your laughter
And every tear you've cried
You're the songs you sing so loudly
When you know you're all alone
You're the places that you've been to
And the place that you call home
You're the things that you believe in
And the people that you love
You're the photos in your bedroom
And the future you dream of
You're made of so much beauty
But it seems that you forgot
When you decided that you were defined 
By all the things you're not 

~ e.h.

******************************************************

This poem which I could have written from my heart, alas, it was already written, from the heart of a sensitive, great man.

Have you ever been judged? Fairly or unfairly, the pain you feel is the same.

Coming forward, I will tell you. I have been judged. Judged for my race, weight, my teeth, the size of my breasts, religious beliefs. These are the known judgments of others. People will judge others from the safe space of the inside of their personal thoughts. Refraining from verbalizing. 
Occasionally verbalizing.
It's an eat-you-alive sadness to judge others in an attempt to assuage personal insecurities, personal ego

Being judged for my age (which is far from the stereotype people try, I say TRY to push me into.)

Yeah-Yeah

Knowing of my heightened sensitivity is a mixed bag. 

Intuition, sensitivity, awareness, total recall memory, all of these aspects make me more aware. More tuned in to when others accept me or, sadly, do not.

Occasionally, in an attempt to lose being so sensitive, spirituality as well as intuition was sacrificed. Taking steps to minimize, brought unrest. Had to go back. 😏

Spiritual inspiration, intuition, empathy for the struggles, others, disappeared.

These aspects are so much a part of  me. They were sadly, missed

Deciding that it was too great of a sacrifice, it was necessary to allow those aspects back. To again, be part of a day to day existence, practice. Whatever's clever.  :)

As a, almost an Indigo Child, intuition guides heart & mind.

This in my personal experience.

Femme Appreciation

How beautiful is she
How well formed is her waist
A stunning womanly bride
Clothed in elegant taste
Her groom views her with great pride 

How regal is this artiste
So gracious with her talent and grace
So humble with her spirit unawares 
Giving of herself in a gathering place
Others adore her in groups in pairs

How sweet is this baby girl of such innocence
So new to this world and so very fair
Her smiles bring smiles her laugh brings light
Her twinkling eyes with her corn silk hair
Makes one believe all in the world is right

Their prices are said to be above rubies
Their worth is even greater still
When others love them as they should
Accept them with kindness as you will
All is right in the world all is good.

Credit vs Discredit

Having sharp intuition while others try to tell me my gut instinct is incorrect, as in what I feel is wrong,used to be a challenge.

In present day, this is less of a problem. 

tyvm

Knowing that many people have difficulty, blurred lines, if you will, in listening to their own intuition for their own lives.

PEEPS!

Knowing what correct intuition feels like is a gift.

Knowing when someone is mentally discrediting me or outward, boldly, verbally, trying to discredit my words, it's obvious to me. Something has pinged their insecurity, something has shaken, not stirred them, so if they don't inwardly discredit me, they might talk about me behind my back. They might even be so brazen as to verbally challenge me to prove what I had said.
A common ploy is to ask the other person for just enough information to hang them in the mind of the insecure one. Gather intel, Google it, the dear insecure one will validate themselves no matter what.
Then, they feel self satisfied to confirm their false sense of security.
It's vicious. It's also a very sad, self destructive circle.

"You see, you're giving too much power as you acknowledge how they make you feel. What you've got to do is decide how I'm going to feel. We would go to a Virtual Reality and we would practice feeling good. Manifestations come on the heels of what you have conjured in thought."
LA 3/2/2002 Esther (Abraham & Jerry) 

There is no way a person can prove or redeem themselves to someone whose insecurities have been awakened, nor are they required to. A "no winners" situation.

In this world, there are going to be people who like you, people who dislike you, people you like, people you dislike. It's all a part of the human experience.

As one who has a loving, kind heart, I am loving & kind to myself, first. Chasing someone down for their time, nearly begging for them to spend a bit of time with me? That's a no-go. No fly zone. If one person has to plead with another to spend time with them, it's demeaning to both. Therefore, I seriously refrain from that.

Even in a mild mannered needlework retreat comprised of mostly females, mm hmm, the pinging of insecurities can happen. 
Note: Gender has no bearing on this attempt to discredit others.
It simply is a retreat where 99% of the people are female.

Having encountered 4 people who are of this ilk, during this wonderful needlework retreat, I feel it in my gut, realize what's happening, then, withdraw from those who display their lack of secure feeling, trying to push it off onto me.

Just say, "NO."

Then, keep distance between thee and shee.  :)
(Or Hee.)

One lesson learned is to turn away from drama.
Stay far from those insecure people.

Life is good!

More Time

So......I have been spending more time with my first-born. A 5 - 7 hour drive south from where I live. She will only live close enough to drive for a visit for a few weeks longer.
It's quite extraordinary, the insights into life that emerge when she and I visit. Love it when this happens!
It feels so heart warming, dispenses greater understanding, this connection which she and I share.
She has an exuberance for life that waned only slightly with the traumatic birth of her sweet baby in January. It's wonderful to see her sense of humor, her energy level, her exuberance bounce back!

I love this sweet child who is now an elderly baby of mine. Who has sweet babies of her own. Not elderly ones :
They are 3.5 months, 2 years, 4 years & 6 years. WOW! 
My own children were similarly spaced, yet, watching her do this makes me fill with wonder & awe at how beautifully she handles such a demanding role. I know how easy it wasn't!

All I ask right now is more time
All I'm asking for
All I ask in my little rhyme
Is just a little bit more

Time with my darling daughter
Who is so dear to my heart
To last the years to come
While we are apart

Just a little longer 
Just a few more embraces
Just a few more mutual smiles
From those little faces

Just a little more
No, I want a lot more of that healing salve
I'll be content for now
With the time we have

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

Mothers Day 2018

When you first look into their eyes
And you see their eyes
Your mothers eyes
Their fathers eyes
Your eyes in their eyes

You want so much
To be perfect
The perfect parent
Perfection is a myth
You will make mistakes
All parents do

When they laugh you laugh
When they cry it's heart tearing
When they first walk upright
You hold your breath
You lose your breath

When they go away to school
You're lost
What will you do with your day
Without them
You're happy for them
Still, you cry, just a little

The first time they say
"NO"
Or, "I hate you"
It's cold 
It's hard
It hurts
You know they are asserting independence
So you try not to take it personal

When all of childhood is over
Where did the time go
It flew by so fast
Now they have flown
Away from you 
All they knew

Cramming all that's possible
Into the time you have
Teaching all that you can
All that they let you
All that they will need
To take the world on
You hope hope hope you did a good job
At preparing them

Now they are gone
Out in the world
Away from you

The fortunate parent will hear from their children
At least once a week? 
Once a month?
Once a year?
Only the fortunate parents
Most parents are not so fortunate
Most adult children forget
The sacrifice of parents 

The feeling of empty
Is the same
When their child is 5 years old
15 years old
25 years old
35 years old
55 years old
Cats in the cradle

💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛

I'm the mother of 4 children. #1 I see infrequently,sometimes I don't hear from her for 5 months at a time. #2 was so disrespectful it was too painful to keep her in my life. I love her, I miss her, I know it's healthy to only accept kindness & courtesy from her.When she's ready to treat me with respect, as her mother, I will welcome her.
#3 is off in their own world. 2 of the four excluded me from their wedding day. #2 did this.....twice. Can you say emotional anguish?

Out of four, #4 calls me every week, which I cherish. She honored me at her wedding, honors & respects me. I honor & respect her, it's a win-win relationship.

Mothers Day is particularly painful for me. I put in the sacrifice & time, the reward from it is starkly unbalanced with 3 of the 4. Their father taught them to disrespect me, he taught them that I had little or no value by the way he treated me. Children learn what they live.
The way a man treats his wife teaches his children how to treat her.

So, I buy my own flowers, take myself out for lunch, cry a little. This is the way it is.
It might not always be like this, yet it might. I have to be okay with it either way.
Welcome to my personal motherhood experience ~ 2018.

Can you hear it?

A boom boom ba
A boom boom ba
Kele, fila, saba, nani, norou

A boom boom ba, Can you hear my heart beat in this world?
A boom boom ba, Do you know that behind all these words
A boom boom ba, Lies a deep desire Kamele he'
A boom boom ba, Me' kouman me' fora y bame'

Are my dreams to be all I can do?
Lais o lais above lais o lais below
And he said Annie will show them a new way
Me' kouman me' fora y bame

Kele, fila, saba, nani, norou

Listen yet again. Acoute, mon ami. ❣

 https://youtu.be/z6sHXJmh91Y

Enriched

The earth is so full.

Still, so full of riches to be had. 

It's up to all to be receivers as well as good stewards of those riches. Receiving can be simple or less than simple. Being a steward of the richness of our mother, our home, Gaia, the earth, can be somewhat tricky.

Pee-eeps, I have been enriched.

Courtesy of Unkie Sam via the USAF, it was made possible for me to live in 3 countries, to visit several more as well as living in a few states in the USA.
When in self revision, I'm a simple, humble girl from a small town. 

Traveling the world has been so enriching, so eye-opening, it has taught me life lessons. I'm sure that staying PUT in a small town would have produced a different person than that which I have become. Remaining humble, grateful, kind, courteous is key.

My heart is so full of gratitude.

Leaving my parents home at age 18, I was scared. No, I was petrified! Going from a small town where nearly everyone knew nearly everyone & most were related by blood or marriage or both, to BMT, it was a shock! 
Having dreamed of moving to Hawai'i, thinking it would never happen, then, it happened!
I was bit by the travel bug!
Just in case I needed it, 3 months after arriving in Hawai'i, I got my first passport.
A civilian passport.
It was an odd sensation to hold a sot of ticket, if you will, to the world!
Have always had a passport since then.
Throughout my world travels as a military person, then as a civilian, I have seen extreme riches, have also seen extreme dire poverty. Both were growing pains. Life lessons.
Lessons in empathy, compassion, gratitude, humility.

The sweet people I met in Hawai'i as well as some of the racist & violent ones taught me a lot.
Living in Germany & going all over into France, Belgium, England, Holland..............it gave me more understanding of my European roots. Knowing the languages of my host countries helped a lot. The beautiful beaches in Central America, so inspiring! Living like a queen where spa services (mani, pedi, waxing, skin care) were so dirt cheap! Was lovin' that! Fresh fruit & veggies were also low cost, very plentiful.
It was a huge disappontment to go back to the USA.
Boring.
It was a disappointment when I was forced to move to boring Colorado instead of Santa Barbara, California. HUGE sadness.
I made the best of it.
I hiked a lot, went horseback riding at the USAFA. Also enjoyed the clothing optional mineral baths, embracing the option. :)

No matter where I have lived, the Hawai'ian Islands have always lured me back. When I arrive, I slip back into Pidgin. 
Am not a local girl, just a girl who loves everything in the islands!

On my last trip, showing my bff Texas, the beauty of the islands, it was a pleasure to see how she loved the islands so much.

She tried the foods, walked on the beach, was fascinated by the many different flowers. We bargained at the stadium swap meet, ate local kine grinds, rode horseback through Kualoa. Heavenly!

If you have a passport, good on ya! If you lack one, GET ONE! Chance favors the ones who prepare!

From my understanding, Japanese people live more simple while putting their money more into travel than they do, into buying "things". Am unsure if this is true, do you know? If it's true, they seem to have the right idea as to how to be enriched in life.

If you get a chance to travel? 
Like Nike ~
Just do it!

Possibly the most seductive ever

The song was brought to more popularity by a most unlikely source. A radio show about some very "out there" topics. Airing only from late night into the wee hours o the mornin'!

Coast to Coast AM with Art Bell (RIP April 13, 2018)

I started listening just because the music, the sensual, sweet vibe to the song moved me. It's different, it's exciting & soothing at the same time. A breathy voice blows soft hot air on the tiny hairs of the inside of the ear canal. 

The words are partly in French, my fave alternate language, partly in English. Where the rest comes from is anyone's guess. 
Pulling back from over analyzing!

Yes, it may be the opening song to a popular TV series. Being less than fond of gluing to the idiot box (ha ha!) I have refrained from seeking out the show, the name escapes me. ;)

When the song is playing the feeling is very compelling to get up, sway, dance slowly ~ naked. Well, maybe! HAH! tmi.

https://youtu.be/z6sHXJmh91Y 

See if this "does it" for you, like it does for moi.

Au revoir mes chers amis.   😗

Living in real life

The original purpose of the internet, of social media, was to put people in touch, to keep people connected. It HAS done that.

In some very sick ways.

A few years back in time, a guy would not have to be warned that if he got on his phone during a date, the date would end.

People who referred to each other as "friends" would, both, be totally present when going out to lunch or spending time together.

Now?

Peeps!

There's strong competition.

You have to compete for the other persons attention. You have to compete with social media, google, all of their friends & family 

PLUS

Whatever is going on around both of you.

It's impossible to compete with that.

People of all ages, races, cultures, economic levels.

Am quite sure that the Lord, Jesus Christ, himself would be deeply disappointed in so-called Christians, voluntarily giving up this important part of their humanity. Loving, caring attentiveness toward their fellow human beings. In place of caring for others, caring for their addiction to electronics has taken its' place.

This cancer is present in the men & women who ignore their friends, family, spouses & children for the selfish addiction to alternate lives & video games, online.

Yesterdays alcoholics, addicted gamblers, along with pornography addicts are replaced by addictions of a different sort. Just as vicious, just as destructive to relationships, different addiction.

It's impossible for a husband or wife to compete with that. The sad truth is, a beloved should not HAVE to compete with that.

Peeps!

Social media & technology are fascinating to me, too! They enhance my life, however, I can live my life for days, weeks, even months, without it. 97% of my life is lived in the real world.

As cliche' as this sounds:

The first time I saw this, I was visiting my daughter who was adult age, living on her own, out of state. Her apt was small, we shared a king size bed during my visit. She was on her phone off & on throughout the night. Needless to say, I didn't get much sleep. Neither did she, it's a way of life for her!

This continual lacking of a straight minimal 7 hours of rest takes it's toll on all who participate in this practice.

There's a name for it, it's so prevalent! ~ Tech Neck! It causes headaches, neck pain, upper & lower back pain. It also causes tiredness which results in increased caffeine intake which causes kidney stones, weakened kidney function. 

Yup.

You can see where this is going!

Yet, millions of people of all ages, races, religions, volunteer for neck pain, back pain, headaches, spinal curvature (dowagers hump)

There is hope.

Each person, individually, can curb their tech addiction, now.

Take a break from tech. A day or a week or a month. Take a break from your personal tech addiction practices.

Begin to live.

Really, live!

GO!

😊

Tonight

Listening to live island music
A cold one in my hand
Life can't get better than this
As bare feet touched the warm sand

Walking along the shore

With waves rolling in

So pleasurable 

It has to be a sin

Beautiful moonlit night

Shining with its' stars

It belongs to all

Tonight, it is ours

Two friends who wonder where

The future might lead us to

As we follow our separate paths

As in life, people often do

For now we share the wonder

Of discovering world history

Meeting new people while seeing

Who we each will be