SEX!!!!

Yes, you read that simple word correctly, my dears.

It's everywhere!

It's even on the cereal boxes of the innocent breakfasts fed to children every morning. The innocent Disney princesses all have had boob enlargement. Their innocent faces have more makeup, fuller lips, all to make them "sexy"!

UGH!

I truly believe that the cattle who provide us with thick juicy steaks & burgers, milk for that sexy cereal, cheese to go on that burger, etc, are flooded with hormones. Even the chickens eaten almost daily, their eggs, all have hyped up hormones in them.
Unless a person shells out the extra cash to pay for the hormone free animal products, they, themselves will willingly consume the hormones.
Oh, yeah, you can go vegetarian, or vegan. You can, if you wish.

Not this chick!

I love my spinach, my daily avocado, my lemon juice in the morning, my free enjoyment of bananas, oranges & papayas.
When it's available, I won't turn a juicy steak away! When it comes to my table all tender, glistening with butter & meat juices, smelling so delicious.....at that moment? My mind is on getting that first bite. Savoring each chew of the grilled flavor burst, the oralgasms from the anticipation, then the arrival of meat!!!!

My mouth is savoring the moment, forgetting about inhumane treatment, hormone infused cattle. It's just pure bliss.

In the past few years, as I have become ever more vigilant of what I'm putting in my body, the hormones in my food. The fluoride in my water, toothpaste. The toxicity of meds, over the counter or prescribed.
With the chronic insomnia of the past 10 years, I choose the lesser of 2 evils by taking an over the counter sleep aid. It's either take a sleep aid or go 72 hour periods with no sleep. Melatonin doesn't work, for me.

Back to sex!

Sex has become so common in todays world. It's lost it's sacred nature. People take it for granted so much. Many people feel that it's just a given as part of dating.

Not this chick.

I loved it, too. Then, I realized that if I continued to love it so much, to want it so much, it gave the would be grantors of it, so much control over me. No bueno.

The solution?

Stop wanting it.

In it's place, working out! Intense, burning, sweating, muscle building workouts. When one diverts from one activity, it's wise, yes, almost necessary to replace it with another. Definitely prevents relapse into the former.

So, I hit the gym for long periods of time. Self improvement beats the hell out of remaining open to predators. Married males looking for a "side squeeze", single males aka sperm spreaders.

Again, not this chick!

Sex is wonderful, beautiful, life enhancing, yet, it's used for the darker purposes all too often. The predators who view it as casually as they view going out for a burger or a steak. Eat her up, chew her to pieces, swallow her, take a shit & she's lying there, in pieces with a stinky aroma of a shattered heart from all of the lies. Left to put her heart, her mind, her soul back together on her own.

If she even can.

For these reasons, I work out hard, have become abstinent.

Maybe, someday, someone truly sincere will come into my life, who views women as more than 3 holes for his gratification.
Who will look at my boobs, butt, light green eyes, still see me as a person with a personality, a great sense of humor, an intelligent mind. He will exercise self control, refrain from eating the frosting off the cake, he will realize that the main substance combined with the frosting, the total package is more fulfilling than anything.

Maybe

Just maybe

Peace out

Back in the Rhythm

or

A Tale of Stitch Lust

People who have known me a long time, who know me well, love my needlework talent. All of them expressed to me their sadness at hearing of my lack of ability to concentrate following the divorce.
He was abusive, I wanted out. I would have cut my arms off to get out of the marriage if I had to. So, although I initiated it, I paid out of my own pocket, I kept offering ex huzz ways to avoid a divorce. They involved us both changing to make life better for both of us.
Nope, he told me that I was the one with all the problems.
Alrighty then, skippy.
Although I didn't want it, it was the only healthy solution. For 7 years it was a struggle to stitch or to even read a whole book!

I have tried to stitch over this long "dry spell", yet, the stress of events that took place, disturbed my soul.
Many times I would pick up a project, get the rhythm of the needle only to realize that I had screwed it up with the wrong placement of stitches. For someone who is as accomplished as a stitcher as I am, that's a huge stress & a disappointment. So, I started getting into fitness, deeper, deeper, deeper. I began a Yoga practice in 2009. It was the "gateway" to Pilates & strength training.
Due to many traumatic events, I started going to every Yoga class I could go to, started a 1 hour Yoga practice every morning to start my day. It kept me from self harm, yet, my concentration, my deep focus that the intricate needlework I loved for so many years, required, still eluded me.

One day I found out about a 13 week Divorce Recovery class that I had heard was a tremendous help to others. Maybe THIS would provide the healing? The peace of mind I needed?

To condense it, yeah, it helped. I went through that 13 week class 5 times. 3 times in Colorado, then, my heart was broken so badly in 2012. I had stopped eating or sleeping. I found this same healing class, went through the course, 2 times in Texas.

It helped.

Maybe I simply needed time. Maybe it took seeing a sweet, simple needlework pattern that was so beautiful in its' simplicity, I was inspired.

Candy Cane Snowflake by Just Nan designs.

"In the rhythm of the needle there is music for the soul."
"Silver needle, silken thread, followed where my fingers led."
- Nan Caldera of Just Nan Designs

That's what it's called. Candy Cane Snowflake. I saw a stitched photo of this on Pinterest, yet, no pattern, anywhere. I lusted after this design for several months. I just, well, I WANTED IT LUSTFULLY!

I posted on a Facebook page that I was looking for it.

Heh heh

Ask and ye shall receive! One stitcher who I had messaged with as well as spoken with on the phone, let me know she had it.
Multiple stitch-gasms!

I waited and, this stitcher, this oh so kind woman, sent the pattern to me! I was out of my mind happy, happy, happy!

I just finished stitching it on cream colored fabric, however, with the bright white, the deep reds, the vibrant green, I started stitching the same pattern on pewter grey. It will make all of the fore mentioned colors just *pop* Yepp!

I'm stitching ~ again! I did mess up a bit when I began stitching the first one. I caught the mistakes right away! Gotta tell you, the photos of this design on Pinterest fall short. It's so very beautiful in real life. The contrast of the colors, the richness of the blends, the striped beads. OH! The striped beads! They just add to the beauty.

I keep my friends a long time as long as they wish to be kept. Yesterday one of my dearest friends, have known her since 10th grade, phoned me. When I told her I was finally able to focus again, she was so happy for me. She told me that she still has the beautiful stitched pieces that I did for her. She remarked that she had kept everything!

Yupp!

Back in the saddle, again!

YEEE HAH!

Making it on my own

That's fact.

When divorcing I was told by a few people that I would fall flat on my ass, that I would probably have to marry down for financial support.

HaH!

Would rather not. TYVM! I have tried many different occupations.
Worked for a Government agency (SAIC). Started a catering service which I ran for 5 years until the economy started a crash & burn, had to sell my baby (catering service) to avoid filing bankruptcy. Worked at a couple minimum wage jobs (ugh!) after that. Answered an advertisement in a newspaper, worked as an Executive Assistant until, one day, I was in a car accident with an illegal Mexican citizen. I speak very fluent Spanish. He didn't speak much English. He begged me not to call the police. We called his daughter who arrived immediately.
She wanted to fix my car as long as I didn't report her father. I struck a deal with her. She had to fix my car. She had to get her father naturalized so that he was legally in the USA. Then, she had to let me teach him to speak English.
He was a fast learner. In 2 months he was speaking, reading & writing English. He referred me to other Hispanic people who were in the USA legally, yet, had never learned English.
It was quite rewarding, quite amazing!

Most of my clientele were Hispanic. There were a few ESL students who were German, a couple of French students. One was a precious, sweet 21 yr old Japanese girl who was in the USA to promote, monitor & manage her fathers company. She spoke decent English, yet, some pronunciations escaped her. She had a sporadic schedule, so, she paid me very well to be my only student. I was on call. Kinda different, yet, I made it work!

When I moved to Texas & things fell apart, I wasn't sure what was going to happen. I only knew *one* person & he was happy to have me completely depend on him. That's not my style.
I started document translation & interpretation in mid 2012.
Also did a few other things for income, I was going to make it!

Document translation & interpretation is something I can do from home, online, only going in for a meeting in Dallas once per year. It sounds ideal. I guess so.

My personal definition of document translation & interpretation?
Going on a daily 600 mile road trip, 50 feet at a time.

Yupp.

Tedious, time consuming, yet, it pays. It has its' slow down periods, then very rapid turnaround. It's what I have, far from a dream job. Definitely keeps my language skills sharp!

A few months ago, I found a way to cut down on my clutter, making a bit of extra $$ at the same time. For many years I designed needlework, taught needlework, stitched for enjoyment.
Fitness is my main focus, now.
Selling off needlework patterns, fabric & accessories is giving me the freedom to clear space, cut down on "stuff". it will be easier when I move the next time.

Ex-Huzz as well as other nay-sayers will have to live with being wrong.
All of them underestimated me. They allowed their insecurities in the form of negative assessment of my abilities, to come out through their mouths.

HAH!
WRONG!

I am a survivor. A loving sweet girl, who is also a fighter. Loving to fight is unlike me, however, I will fight for who as well as what I love.
Right now?
I love fitness!
I'm a WILF!  :)
Oh, I still do needlework occasionally. Less than I used to.

Feeling my body become stronger & leaner is awesome.

Who do you love?
What do you love?
What are you passionate about?
Do you indulge in it daily? weekly? monthly?
You should.

Just some of my passions;

FITNESS!
Natural living
Psychology
History studies
Juicing (the fruit & veggie kind, not 'roids!)
Needlework
Volunteer work
Helping others
Organizing
Foreign Language Study
Traveling
Cultural studies

**********************************************

That's the short list.

Follow your passions!

Do what you love!

Peace

What are you made of?

Where are you from? Do you know? Do you know your heritage? Do you know your genetic contents? Do you know where you're from and why you look like you do, possibly why you have certain quirks, actions, thought processes?

There are many factors such as DNA combinations, learned behaviors, life experiences plus, I'm sure, much more. I'm a simple woman with very little academic education. Very diverse life experience. Having traveled the world quite a bit, keeping myself open to new experiences, always, it has benefitted me, greatly.

Learned how to grow anything from my fathers acres long garden in the summers. Have walked through the Alamo in Texas, witnessed the landing of the space shuttles up close, was all over the Hawai'ian Islands for a total of 5 years. Realizing I had a gift for languages, when living in Europe was very fun! I would drive from Germany to France to the antique markets. While there, I would converse in French with a vendor, bargain with another in German, answer a question from people I was there with in English, then turn to an Italian person when they asked a question of me.
In my mind, I "clicked" between languages just as many people in Europe do. The people in Europe were very surprised to see an American doing this. It was as natural to me as walking, just as easy. I'm really really GOOD at walking! Ha ha!
This very natural European trait made me wonder about this ability. In Europe, it's very common for people to speak 5 - 12 languages. Not very common for native USA residents to speak more than 3.

I had always been curious as to why I had strawberry blonde hair, light green eyes, the desire to get out there exploring the world while my other 5 siblings stuck mainly to the state of Michigan. My coloring is considerably different from my 4 siblings. I know my eldest sister had a different father, yet, my 1 sister (deceased) as well as my 3 brothers all had the same mother & father as I did.

My mother was 5' 9", had gorgeous natural bright red hair, large, soulful brown eyes. Her mother was 100% German. Her father was a mixture of English, Irish & Scottish.

My father had dark black hair, light gray eyes, only around 5'4". He was almost 100% Native American, a very slight amount of English.

Throughout my life, whenever I have to fill out any official form which asks for race or ethnicity, I have longed to tick the Native American box. With no tribal affiliation, with my coloring, I know it wouldn't be possible. When ticking the "Caucasian" or "White" box, I always felt a twinge of self betrayal.

My paternal great grandparents escaped from a NA Reservation, they then hid in the mountains of West Virginia. They were so scared of being found, of being forced back onto the Indian reservation, that their children would be taken from them to try to educate their NA culture out of them. My great grandparents taught their children to hide whenever any government officials were up on the mountain. My NA grandparents taught their children, one of whom was my father, also to hide from people who might see them to take them away. There was also a prejudice against NAs. They were regarded as dirty, criminal, alcoholics.
This hatred of Native Americans caused a doctor to argue with my mother & father in a hospital elevator while my mother was in labor. The doctor didn't want a 1/2 NA child to be born in
"his hospital". While they were arguing, I was born in the elevator.

For these reasons, my father was afraid to have tribal affiliation.

I tried for 3 years to get a certificate of Indian blood from the BIA -Bureau of Indian Affairs. I couldn't get them to approve it so that I could seek tribal affiliation.

I feel the Native American spirit in my being, my soul, my blood. I have also felt the connection with all things Scottish & Irish.
Sorry, my English friends! I love you, I know how this would make you feel, yet, being true to myself is important.

Now that genetic testing is more affordable than ever, I had an opportunity to have my DNA determined. It confirmed what I already felt, yet, the confirmation was somehow comforting. It involved swabbing the inside of my mouth with a long medical swab, mailing it in, in a sterile container, then...waiting.

Seven weeks later, I received my results from connectmyDNA.com

Yeah, yeah, kinda cheesy web site name, yet, whether it can be believed or not, I feel that the result was fairly accurate.

The result?

Mostly Native American, some Irish, some Scottish, a smaller amount of German.

My fathers' mother was a Native American Shaman, a healer. Although I didn't have much of a relationship with my father or his parents, the NA connection I feel has only become stronger with time.

When I went to South Dakota, in 2009, the NA spirit was so strong, there, it had a very deep effect on me. Walking through the Crazy Horse museum, I was moved to tears, realizing that these people could very well be my ancestors. Knowing that many of them actually were!
From genealogy research, I know that, through my father, my blood lines go back through Chief Sitting Bull. Chief Sitting Bull was not his name but an adaptation that whites gave him for their own convenience to be able to pronounce it.
I cried bitter tears for the hardships my ancestors endured. It was a relief to leave South Dakota. The feeling of oppression I had felt while I was there was so dark, so heavy, it weighed my heart down.

When I traveled to Scotland in 2007, it was very mesmerizing. The bright green, the beautiful accents. Though the Scots were speaking English, I did have to pay close attention to understand what they were saying. Scottish guys are so masculine!
WOW! LOVED THAT!
Although I don't have this, all 4 of my kiddos have the telltale widows peak along their forehead hairline. A definitive sign of Scottish heritage. Marilyn Monroe had this. It gives a female the appearance of a heart shaped face.
To me, on a guy? It just looks sexy as can be!!! rrrrrrrrr
I feel a connection to people with Scottish heritage, yet, stronger with Native American people.

It's my hope to go to Ireland, specifically, County Cork, some day. It would be interesting, to do a bit of genealogy investigation into my Irish heritage.

So, with the information of my DNA analysis, it explains a lot of personal characteristics which I have that my siblings differ from me upon. I have very scant body hair except on my head. I also have incredible intuition, possibly from my Shaman grandmother?
Maybe it also explains my determined attitude, why I'm such a fighter, possibly learned behavior plays a part in that. I'm not in contact with my brothers, very little with my 1 living sister. I love my brothers, I love my sister very much. I reached out several times before giving up. Once in a great while my beloved sister will phone me. We grew apart when I left Michigan to serve in the USAF. It would be interesting to see their genetic makeup.

Maybe, some day!

Stay tuned.

The Greatest Show on Earth

And I've watched him close his eyes
When he kissed me
And I've heard him moan so low
And I felt him hold me tight
With all his soul inside
In ways a man only knows

You won't see one like him
In this whole world
He's given me some mem'ries
A lifetimes worth
If he didn't love me
You can take my word
He put on
The greatest show on Earth

Looking back I can't believe
I couldn't see he needed me
But like a fool I let it end
And it should have been so clear
When I wiped away those tears
There's just some things you can't pretend

You won't see one like him
In this whole world
He's given me some mem'ries
A lifetimes worth
If he didn't love me
You can take my word
He put on
The greatest show on Earth

Maybe I just saved myself
The pain and all the heartache
Of being just another face in the crowd
He made it look so real, lord
It came to him so easy
It's one thing I'll never doubt

You won't see one like him
In this whole world
He's given me some mem'ries
A lifetimes worth
If he didn't love me
You can take my word
He put on
The greatest show on Earth

He put on the greatest show on Earth

~ David Lee Murphy

********************************************

Sure hope David doesn't mind that I switched the gender pronoun. It's how I feel
this song.
It feels more comfortable in my heart. Am 100% straight. No lesbetarian tendencies
at all. It also is slightly auto-biographical. Yeah, *some people* can fake it so well.

Not me.

Wearing my heart out in full view is who I am.

Genuine
Kind
Down to earth
Sweetly Feminine
Honest
Humble
Sincere
Confident
Passionate about life
Caring
Loving
Determined
Introspective
Deeply Curious
Sensitive ~ Sometimes too sensitive, I'm told
Creative
Inventive
Adventurous

These are all who I am, can only be that person, true to myself. Asking me to be other than
a sensitive, strong girl is the same as asking a natural born athlete to stop training. The same
as asking an artiste to refrain from creating. Such integral parts which are the facets of a
person can only be altered with great pain, caused to the person, irreparably damaging them.

It amounts to the amputation of self.

Better to be kind, to be whole, happy, centered, being real.

Love to you, reading this, be kind to yourself.

I'm worth it, so, I know you are worth it.

David Lee Murphy

This guy is an insanely great, talented song writer, performer, singer!
From his moves in his videos & performances, I can tell he would be fantastic on the dance floor, probably *other* places, too. :)

I'll never forget the first time I went to Paris, France, walking down the street, I swear I saw him. Same mesmerizing blue eyes, sexy smile, swaggering hips, if it wasn't him, it was his doppelganger!

Although David hasn't put an album out since 2004 (that I know of), his music, oh, his music! Gives me eargasms! The sweet lil twang in his southern accent, the tap tap tap of the beat like residual rain drops after a downpour. Then, the unexpected treble wail of the guitar, right outta nowhere. Just does it for me!!!

F.Y.I. ~ it's country music & yes, I love it! If you don't, it's your loss. heh heh.

His music is playful, genuine, sweet,  flirty, funny, deep seated sentiment - wait -
I just described ME!
So, that's probably why it resonates with me so deeply.
Just a itty bitty epiphany while blogging here.
Yup, ha ha!

Davids song writing skills & word usage tell me that this man, this talented person, has such a beautiful heart to match his exterior.

His last album ~Out With a Bang~ seems like foreshadowing, now.

I can't even choose a favorite song of his, I love all of his music, his songs, even the ones he's written for others. I can pick out his style whenever I hear it. That says a lot. I'm rather discriminating in what I listen to, what I REALLY love in anything.

Just a few of his songs to look up on you tube or wherever.

Dust on The Bottle

Greatest Show on Earth

Mama & Them

Just Once

Party Crowd

Fish Ain't Bitin'

Love it!!! Love it!!! Love it!!!!

Whodathunkit. Love me some good, down home, country music.

"A man can't look at a woman too long, looks like you, without havin' thoughts, go through his head, straight past his heart."

"Might be a little dust on the bottle, but don't let it fool ya, 'bout what's inside. Well, it's one of those things, gets sweeter with time.
...Some say good love, well, it's like a fine wine. It keeps getting better as the days go by." ~ David Lee Murphy

He's singin' from the heart, swingin' around, strumming his box guitar, smiling, out by a lake in the summer. Oh yeah!
He's dancing, smiling, throwing his head back. He looks happy, like he's just so into what he's doing whether he actually is or not!

Yeah, I admire him as a man, a performer, a musician. Nope, no lustful thoughts, here. Really, none. I resigned myself to simply remembering how wonderful making love was. That part of life is over for me, I've accepted it, made peace with it. Was hurt too deeply, too many times. Too many selfish azzhole males out there.
Quitting while I still love guys & everything that makes them male!
The last time I was hurt was too horrible to risk it again.
My sex drive is dead. I let it die.
Concrete walls around my heart.
The beautiful memories live on, in my heart.

When I listen to music that touches me, alone, in my home, I allow my heart to soften. There's no one around to hurt it, it's safe.

Maybe that's another aspect to why I love this music. Rarely do I regress into music of the past or much else from the past.

I have written of the past, here, on this blog, letting you get to know me. Who I am. Where I have been. What angle I'm coming from. Day to day, I go with anything I like that's current, new, keeps pulling me forward as I move forward, in each moment, then, the next, then the next.

No dust on this bottle, you might be surprised at what's inside. ;D

What did your husband do in the military?

This question makes the one asking sound so ridiculously ignorant, sexist, unaware that women have been serving in the military for centuries! Just as I have, just as my female family members have.

Yes, I served my country in what's known as Security Forces. Shocked? There are some out there who are. Ignorance is bliss. :)

Then, there's the Neanderthal mentality of guys (sometimes girls) who have various disrespectful acronyms, also non-word descriptions for those who were or are married to a military guy.

These women stayed at home, holding down the forte while their husbands were away, while their heroes were putting their lives on the line for our country. The ones back at home, waiting for his return, mostly, are just as deserving of respect, courtesy.
Granted, there are some military wives who do less than honorable deeds while he's away.
The military husbands also sometimes conduct themselves dishonorably.
It goes both ways. Damaging themselves, their spouses, their families. People have no clue how damaging adultery is to their children until it surfaces many years later. The forms it takes are HEART BREAKING!
Drug abuse, low self esteem, alcoholism, anger issues, depression, criminal acts, failure to maintain healthy relationships.
Children may seem to be unaware, believe it, they know. Even when they can't quite put their finger on why they have such disturbances, as adults, their subconscious minds suffer from the turbulence of their parents' relationship. Adultery hurts everyone.

I have met both varieties of AD military people as well as their spouses. The difference is quite clear to one with discernment.
It's a wonderful thing, when I meet a military person or a military spouse who honors their marriage vows. They are the ones who persevere through the loneliness, the sacrifices, the aching for someone who most likely will return, yet, sometimes does not. The guys go out, trusting & hoping their loved ones remain faithful.

When I have occasion to use my current valid military ID Card, I get the question, a lot. What did your husband do in the military?

Then, they look at my ID, light dawns on them. At 5'3, light green eyes, long blonde hair, toned body, people don't think,
"Hey, she looks like she served on active duty in the USAF." Nope.
Usually, they don't think that.

Although there were some very disturbing, damaging events which befell me while I served on active duty, there were also some very exciting, enriching events. These events gave me better self discipline, a more developed thought process, a wider view of life.

The USAF training took me in as a scrawny, painfully shy, small town girl, trained me, taught me, dragged me out of that thick shell
I had built around me. The training gave me confidence, self awareness, courage to go places, to do things I never thought possible.

At times, it seems as if, I have almost progressed full circle. I spend a lot of time alone, these days, during my personal time.
I deal with depression a lot, so, refraining from exposing others to that side of me is a self protective measure, I suppose.
When I'm home, I'm online, selling off whatever people will buy. It's a process, this purging of "stuff".

Check online trends to see what's hot right now, find those items among my remaining possessions. Photograph it. Post it where it can be most easily seen. Wait for a buyers message. Message them back in a timely manner. Receive payment. Record the buyers information in my log, just in case the computer "loses" it. I have backup in hard copy. Package the item securely, attractively, cleanly. I like to make it look pretty so that when the item arrives, it will be a sweet experience.
Address the package. Repeat for each purchase.

In this way, I am slowly getting rid of all of the things that take up too much space. Those things I don't want or need. It's a process.

Having seen all of the "stuff" people leave behind when they die, I don't want people to have to deal with a house full of my stuff when I die.
There is a woman, Marie Kondo, who is sweeping the world with her methods of paring down un-needed stuff.
HAH!
I started doing this in 2007!

I digress.

Being a Veteran of the USAF, there are many benefits that most people don't think of or don't know about. Even many of the Veterans, themselves. Yes, I am a Veteran, who was married to a Veteran, yet, I out-ranked him, so, this crappy attitude toward stereo typing of dependent wives as non-persons, sucking up benefits along with whatever they can eat, is just as insidious as bigotry, racial discrimination, age discrimination, etc.

It's on par with labeling all people of any group as all being one way. It's ignorant, unjust, immature, a sign of a diseased mind.

When someone asks me that annoying question, it lets me know that it's still a man's world. A world of attitudes of double standard, sexism and the good old boy network is still alive and well.

This sounds like a feminazi attitude.
Au contraire.
I love men, most aspects of what it is that makes him a guy. It's a personal hope for me, that more guys would expand their thinking a bit more to think of women as people more often.
People who have feeling hearts, intelligent quick minds, hopes, dreams, desires, not just a vag with a pulse. Yes, I said vag.

When she is treated as & thought of, as a person before being thought of as boobs, butt & a purty mouth ~

She just might be a woman of courage, strength, smarts, yes, even sweetness, femininity, who served her country in the military on active duty, as well.

How do you do it?

Is there some secret which I don't know?

Is there some stage of development that I somehow missed?


Are all the good people kept in a vault, only mean people allowed to exist in the world until they

become decent people, then, confined ala "Only the good die young."

Well, that sucks!!

So, I decided, after 2012 that my "picker" was either missing or not functioning correctly. It

seemed that I had no clue how to pick good people to let into or to keep in my life. So, I began

kicking out the ones who treated me badly, disrespectfully, unkindly. Especially guys. Nearly

all guy buds told me, "Guys are selfish assholes." from personal experience, sadly, reluctantly,

I have to agree. Sadly, because, in my heart, I WANT to believe there are good guys in

the world.  Reluctantly, because, personal experience has taught me, their assessment is true.

Married guys, or otherwise committed guys,  looking for an affair, a titillating dalliance, are as

common as trash in an alley.

Single available guys with a lot to offer are very rare.

Connection with a single available guy with a lot to offer is even more rare.

Yes, guys can argue this about girls, yet, I am a girl, offering a female perspective. Deal.

Having had too many experiences with every variety, I gave up. The Tri-state SWAT team guy
who wanted to deal BS yet couldn't handle BS in return. Ha Ha! EFF that Shizz!

The military guy who wanted me to move to Alaska when he got orders, knowing how much I HATE HATE HATE HATE  cold weather and snow. Eff that shizz #2

The USAF Major who lied to me for a solid year and a half, telling me he was single when, in fact he was married with 2 kids, messing around on his wife. What a skillful liar. He didn't get what he deserved, yet KARMA took care of him. His wife puts up with his lying, cheating. What a disgusting pig.  Eff that #3

The married Special Ops guy, so hot, sexy, charming. who I didn't remember until my buddy, Trick, helped me. Trick is a Secret Squirrel, too. For reasons I won't go into, I didn't remember Special Ops Guy. Trick knows him, has all the 411 on him, jogged the memories out for me. He seemed to think he was a good guy. He said he was "separated" & felt it was okay, felt he was being honest, or at least that was his excuse.
Deeply hurt, I cried for months. So devastated. That was so hard. With the jarred memories, I still feel the deep loss. My actions were out of fiery, burning, deep pain. Eff that shizz  #4.

Mr 2012. I have my theories, some are confirmed. What an asshole. He was the last straw for me. Still hurting from residual emotional pain, not knowing it was from Special Ops guy, M 2012 SWORE he was different.
Mr 2012 was IT for me.

I realized that players are too skilled for me to know what's going on, guys will want you until the girl wants them, guys want pussy, not much else.

I came to realize that, the problem is me.

Knowing I have a decent body, tons of passion, intelligent mind, smart ass sense of humor, GREAT  COOK!, kind compassionate heart.

With all of this, I have been wrong wrong  wrong about the intent & true character of guys.

So, with my admission of culpability, I gave up, entirely.

10 foot concrete walls around my tender heart.

Safe

Peaceful

Happy

Namaste

Love this day!

Today started a bit rough.

Fighting with the VA has brought the nightmares back.

Went to bed early yesterday. I'm guessing that the nightmares were happening for the last 2 hours before I woke up in a state of shaking, sweating, sobbing, frightened, almost having an anxiety attack.

Then, there's Sammy. He's in most of my dreams. In my dreams, I'm always making sure he had been fed & taken good care of. He was an adorable puppy of about 6 weeks when my daughter & I brought him to our home. He grew into a 125 lb, tall, handsome black/tan Doberman.

So, I woke up at 0200, turned the electric blanket on, turned the heating mattress pad on, I was already turned on, so, yeah. :) Really thought I'd just go back to sleep. Umm, nope, it didn't happen.

After an hour, it was obvious that I wouldn't be going back to sleep.

Stick with me, it's about to get good! Are ya tracking? Good! xoxo.

Started doing some cleaning, organizing, then, found something I thought I had lost forever, or, at least this lifetime! Hey, Since 2007, I have moved house 7 times, things sometimes get a little lost. Thought I might have even sold it, just, wasn't sure.

As a needleworker, I used to buy, perhaps more than I should have. I had all of my beads, charms & sparkling fibers in 25 different colors, all organized in a nice container with 50 compartments.
Though I'm not a guy, I like to compartmentalize like one. HAH!!!

I found it! It felt surreal. $700. worth of needleworkers treasure!
Yea buddy!
That was the start!

More organizing, more treasure finding. Made me feel pretty good.

Finally, I looked at the time, 10 am, time to go through the morning routine & get to the gym!

Decided to wear my Mickey shirt to the gym, do something different. Haven't worn it in a month, ya know what?
It was loose on my hips!
Yoga Booty!

Feeling purty good, I went out the door, stopping at the local grocery store to pick up some veggies for after my workout. I always park far from the store so I can walk a bit & so no one dings the paint job on my car. :) Just 25 ft from the store doors, some cute cowboy, looked to be around 35, was cruising up in his truck, he stopped, rolled his window down & says,
"Ma'am, no disrespect, you have the cutest lil wiggle when you walk."
I threw him a salute & went into the store. My very favorite
Key Lime pie was on sale. Hey, it will freeze almost indefinitely! So, yeah, it's in mah freezer, right here, right now, when I want it!
SCORE!!!!
While walking around the grocery store, the people are really nice, friendly, I'm a regular, there! One of the girls who works there said hello to me. I smiled, said hello, walked on.
A few seconds later she came running up to me, she asked me if I had gotten hair extensions to make my hair longer.
Nope, lol.
She noticed that my hair is THREE INCHES LONGER! YAY! My hair has grown slowly since I was 18. I found a no cost method to get it to start growing, again! It costs nothing, only takes 5 minutes, per night, during the first 5 days of the month. Simply bend over at the waist so that your head is upside down. Massage your scalp for 5 minutes. That's it! Letting my hair grow as long as possible. Silky, soft, shiny, beautiful blonde hair! Finally! I will have the long hair that I've always wanted, naturally. Warm fuzzies!!!!!!

The gym was quite empty AND there were 2 new classes! YAY! I love anything new, especially trying anything new in fitness!
Tried one of the classes, yeah, pretty jazzed. I've fallen in love. I'll
feel sore tomorrow, feeling great today!

After the gym, went just down a slight hill, to a park.

I'm A SWINGER!

Love to swing on a beautiful warm day like today. Swingsets are proof positive that some of the most wonderful things in life ~~~~

ARE FREE!

Someday, I'll have my own swing set. And a horse. And a Dobie!
I'll have it all! :)

Arriving home, I found an awesome movie to watch while translating 400 pages of documents, tonight! YAY! Life is good!
The movie is 2 hours long, so, I can replay it 3 times. Fun-Fun!

Life is good, today!

Hope life is good for you, too!

Whoever you are!

Wherever you are.

Be good to yourself. :)

Prolific, today

Keep in mind, my poetry is not always about anyone in particular. Yet, sometimes, it is. The reader will have to ponder upon that. Yup.  :)

Mystery is so sexy!

I won't beg anyone to care about me if they don't at all

My self respect intact I will always stand proud stand tall

Love for others has to be freely given of their time

Forcing begging staying on hold is a self given crime

When someone loves you really loves you it's easy to know

They provide food for their loved one mind body & soul

Giving love to others is a great joy in each day

It costs nothing to give a hug or to smile his way

Yet people are so scared to reach out from the heart

Each floats as an island alone, lonely, apart

The challenge today is one I hope my readers will do

Reach out to someone with the precious words ~ I Love You ~

*******************************************************

~ Brenda ~

Sweetness & Light

Maybe it's because it's SPRING! Maybe it's because I'm just feeling awesome about life ATM. 

Maybe?

UMM

Definitely!

It's a cotton candy feel

Bottles of bubbles

Today for real

The money trickles in

It's so very easy

Must be a sin

I found a no cost way

To make my hair grow

It's longer today!

My body feels so alive

Stronger & leaner

Feeling the thrive!

Dreams are happening for sure

Slowly slowly

Sweet & pure

Sometimes I feel so alone & scared

Then the comforter whispers

You're being prepared

My thoughts today about everything

Much peace to you my loves

Happy SPRING!!!!!

*******************************************

 ~Brenda~

What do you have?

For the wonderful wonderful *single & available* guys out there. If she cares more about what you have such as money, dick size, homes, cars, etc, she doesn't care about you as a man, as a truly unique, masculine, precious person.

On the flip side, girls? If who you are is not adequate for him, such as size, weight, breast size, attractiveness, income, personality, etc, he doesn't care about you. You're a warm snake hole for him. 

This is the very insidious objectification of one person by another person fraught with demeaning dehumanization.

Sad, yes?

Oui.

People fear it.

Men fear being falsely taken in for their money.

Girls fear being used for sexual purposes.

It happens all the time. 

This is a sad reality in 2016 as well as before 2016.

The players know how to use others.

The played fear being used. Skill is pitted against skill.

Personally?

I would rather give genuine love. 

Genuine kindness. 

Real connection. 

Caring about the other person.

Real connection on ALL levels. 

Yeah, you know what I mean!

if you do & you're up for a sweet challenge....

bring it.....

to Texas

:)

(Brought to you yet unsponsored by Barefoot Moscato)

When was the last time?

Part 2

Did you guess what I was speaking of?

Probably not.

Or maybe.

I was speaking of ~ Genuine people.

Those very real people are few, far between.

Male & female, alike, too many fakes. 

Genuine people are rare. Have rarely met them. Very few people say who they are, in honesty & truthfulness. Very few do as they say they will do, say they will be there, then, show up or, if they can't make it, have a very good reason as to why not & let others know. 

It's been awhile since I have met someone real

As I am only one person, I can be real. Can only hope to meet others who are similarly as sincere as myself, turn away from those who lack the confidence to be authentic.

Peace

Love

Be real

Be good to each other.

When was the last time, for you?

For me, it's been a long time. At least 2 years, maybe longer, I really can't remember. 

Yet....

I remember how wonderful it was. I remember how right it felt. Almost surreal, to know that it was really happening. That the person I was with was for real, that I could trust what they said. I knew that when they said something it was the truth. It was from their head, from their heart, so genuine that it captivated me, warmed my heart.

Do you know what I'm talking about?

Do you even think you know?

Guess!

L8ers.....ttys