How do you do it?
Is there some secret which I don't know?
Is there some stage of development that I somehow missed?
Are all the good people kept in a vault, only mean people allowed to exist in the world until they
become decent people, then, confined ala "Only the good die young."
Well, that sucks!!
So, I decided, after 2012 that my "picker" was either missing or not functioning correctly. It
seemed that I had no clue how to pick good people to let into or to keep in my life. So, I began
kicking out the ones who treated me badly, disrespectfully, unkindly. Especially guys. Nearly
all guy buds told me, "Guys are selfish assholes." from personal experience, sadly, reluctantly,
I have to agree. Sadly, because, in my heart, I WANT to believe there are good guys in
the world. Reluctantly, because, personal experience has taught me, their assessment is true.
Married guys, or otherwise committed guys, looking for an affair, a titillating dalliance, are as
common as trash in an alley.
Single available guys with a lot to offer are very rare.
Connection with a single available guy with a lot to offer is even more rare.
Yes, guys can argue this about girls, yet, I am a girl, offering a female perspective. Deal.
Having had too many experiences with every variety, I gave up. The Tri-state SWAT team guy
who wanted to deal BS yet couldn't handle BS in return. Ha Ha! EFF that Shizz!
The military guy who wanted me to move to Alaska when he got orders, knowing how much I HATE HATE HATE HATE cold weather and snow. Eff that shizz #2
The USAF Major who lied to me for a solid year and a half, telling me he was single when, in fact he was married with 2 kids, messing around on his wife. What a skillful liar. He didn't get what he deserved, yet KARMA took care of him. His wife puts up with his lying, cheating. What a disgusting pig. Eff that #3
The married Special Ops guy, so hot, sexy, charming. who I didn't remember until my buddy, Trick, helped me. Trick is a Secret Squirrel, too. For reasons I won't go into, I didn't remember Special Ops Guy. Trick knows him, has all the 411 on him, jogged the memories out for me. He seemed to think he was a good guy. He said he was "separated" & felt it was okay, felt he was being honest, or at least that was his excuse.
Deeply hurt, I cried for months. So devastated. That was so hard. With the jarred memories, I still feel the deep loss. My actions were out of fiery, burning, deep pain. Eff that shizz #4.
Mr 2012. I have my theories, some are confirmed. What an asshole. He was the last straw for me. Still hurting from residual emotional pain, not knowing it was from Special Ops guy, M 2012 SWORE he was different.
Mr 2012 was IT for me.
I realized that players are too skilled for me to know what's going on, guys will want you until the girl wants them, guys want pussy, not much else.
I came to realize that, the problem is me.
Knowing I have a decent body, tons of passion, intelligent mind, smart ass sense of humor, GREAT COOK!, kind compassionate heart.
With all of this, I have been wrong wrong wrong about the intent & true character of guys.
So, with my admission of culpability, I gave up, entirely.
10 foot concrete walls around my tender heart.
Safe
Peaceful
Happy
Namaste
PJ & Me
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Just found you! Very excited!
ReplyDeleteThank you. Care to introduce yourself?
DeleteThe problem is not that there are no nice men, nor is the problem solely with you. I know you have made some major changes to your body, but how about your self-esteem? The words you use are confident, strong, positive, and reflect high self-esteem, but how about inside? Logically, you may feel this way about yourself, but even in your blog, you have decided the problem rests with you. if this is true, it is time for more painful study of yourself under the microscope.....deep inside, and emotionally, you may still have some open wounds, or scars, left over from the days before your transformation. Growing up with your "burden", for the sake of your confidentiality, I use this term - I KNOW what kind of bullying, ridicule, discrimination, and emotional trauma you have been through. I am not saying that this is reflected superficially in your presentation to the world, but something must trigger the senses of the more predatory relationships you describe.
ReplyDeleteIn this regard, YOU have taken responsibility for making the changes you needed to make, but the scars and trauma of the years prior, ARE NOT YOUR FAULT. As you mention, mean people are everywhere, keep in mind that "average" means the majority, and I am sorry to say it, but the majority of people have a "pack mentality", and are quite viscous and cruel to anyone who is different in any regard. This leads me to confirm that you you are indeed correct that finding nice people, outside the average can be a challenge - and, to avoid the wolves cloaked as sheep can be challenging. I was born very different, so I speak with experience...however, due to my interest in sports, during an age when most girls desired to be weak, cute, demure, coy, and unassertive, most of my friends - and very good platonic friends, were male. The girls I friended had like interests, but my closest friend were boys, and my greatest mentors were men. They taught me a lot about men, really, but most important, the difference between nice men, and predatory men. Subsequently, I have never, after 51 years of life, had a relationship with a man less than fine, upstanding, and mannerly - not to mention caring, successful, etc. Your experiences make me really outraged for you, but don't give up and close down. Look inside, and make sure you are not only talking the talk, but walking the walk. Be certain that what you show on the outside matches how you feel on the inside, and be certain you are not reflecting vulnerabilities related to the trauma of the past. You deserve a good man, a partner, a friend, a protector, and someone who is a stand up man proud to support his wife in all ways, not only monetarily. These men exist, and you deserve one!
Susan. Thank you so much for your insight, compassion, well articulated comment! So insightful, so uplifting! Honestly? I believe that I'm akin to a butterfly in a cocoon at the moment. As you recommended, painful yet necessary introspection is a key to growth. I'm working on my inside matching my outside. With every workout, every hurdle accomplished, it feels a bit closer to accomplishing that. It has taken time to strengthen boundaries. The trauma of re-visiting the MST, opening that can of worms that I had buried, is proving therapeutic. I enjoyed reading your comment. Thank you!
ReplyDelete