I LOVE MEN!

This morning started like any other morning. Up @ 5, head to the gym by 0510.

On my way there, I drove past a day care facility, saw 3 guys walking their little ones in. It might seem ordinary, yet, it struck me as sweet, touching, the care these men were showing to their little children tugged on my heart. Yep, I know, I'm too sensitive.

Got to the gym, walked in, there were 4 guys working out like usual. They are usually there in the mornings. On my way back to the big exercise room, I heard them talking about how awesome their wives are. Their deep voices, praise for spouses, while still pumping iron, sweating, grunting, smelling like sweat.........and testosterone! My favorite scent!

These  observances of these men doing every day activities touched me,made me happy!

It's going to be a great day!!!

Continuation

End of the day.It really WAS a great day! I have a new BBQ grill! The guy at the register helped me get the grill to the car. Texas men are chivalrous gents. Love it!

While at work, 2 of the other employees were having trouble with their glasses giving them discomfort. Whenever I have passed them in the aisles there were brief smiles, greetings. Today, they each came into the vision center at different times to let me help them with adjusting their specs. They spoke briefly as time allowed, about their lives, families, children. It was sweet. Made me see these 2 gentlemen in a different light.

I LOVE MEN! ESPECIALLY GENTLEMEN!

Ciao

EXCITEMENT in the air!

Almost go time!

Today, tomorrow, working full days, then I take off! It's not that I'm excited to go to Cold-orado. I'm excited to see the people there! A change of scenery, a change of pace. it all sounds good, like something I need right now.
Used to fear change, now, embracing change is a way of life for moi.

Change is one of the few constants in life.

Changing attitude with new information. Going different places, meeting new people. Learning that what seemed to apply to life as I know it today,won't apply, tomorrow. Embracing it, reveling in it is the way to live. 
Fighting change is akin to hating the hill you know you must climb, so, enjoy the scenery, feel the wind in your face. Grow,change, love life, the alternative will cause one to never have the enriching experiences to grow, to develop into a better person.

Speaking of growing! I discovered what I doing that is causing my fingernails to grow, my hair to start growing faster.
Cucumber juice.
Yup, ha ha!
Cucumbers have a high concentration of silica, which causes hair & nails to grow faster, stronger, healthier.
Yup, lol, I'm growing!

Juicy!

Juices!

Juicing!

I'm lovin' it!

The phrase  has new meaning, a new sort of RING to it for me! Now.

Yeah, I admit, there was a time when I took way too many hits from the Big Mac! The whopper slugged me around, too! Not to mention the supremely unhealthy burrito supreme. Maybe that's a new twist on the name?

Big Mac = Big Gut

Whopper = The lie you tell yourself that the calories won't count it you wash it down with a diet soda!

Burrito Supreme = Burrito that is supremely unhealthy!

Dairy Queen = Guaranteed to help you grow to the size of a Queen size mattress!

Red Lobster = Red Monster with everything fried, gooey, enough to make you look like a monster when you keep eating there too much.

I remember getting a queasy feeling when carrot juice was mentioned. Something seemed very unnatural about putting the words "carrot" + "juice" together.

Just as disgusting sounding as "cucumber" + "juice"! Ew. Ew. Ew!

I am now eating those words. No. I am drinking them ! Ha ha! Since getting my power juicer, I am absolutely loving this!

My obesity genetics are very strong. Very prevalent. My mother struggled with obesity for most of her life. My younger sister, Julie, was 4'11", 685 lbs when she passed on before her 33rd Birthday. She died on my 40th. Happy Birthday to me. :(

My 3 brothers struggle with obesity, my older sister has slightly different genetics so her struggle is somewhat easier. 

Family members say, "Brenda is skinny, she's lucky." Bullshit. Brenda isn't THAT lucky, ha ha! 

Working out every day into a stinky, sweat drenched, quivering mess isn't about luck. It's hard work! Motivation, dedication, determination to beat the obesity genetics. I'm doing it!

Over the past 11 years, I have done a ton of research to find what works to preserve my health, to sculpt my body back to where I know I can be. Finding not just what works, finding what works for my body, my own unique physiology. A real challenge!

It's not so much about being skinny. It's about being healthy, strong, lean, fit, active!

A sexy beast!

A fox in fox clothing!

A lean machine!

A gym angel!

A cutie with a booty!

A lass with a great....

I think I should stop! You get the picture!

When a co-worker told me about the benefits she received from juicing, I was inspired, intrigued. When something catches my attention, I believe it caught my attention for a reason.

That reason is, I must investigate! Sometimes it gets me in a bit of trouble. So what. :)

So, I started juicing. Some of my favorite combinations are:

4 Cucumbers, 1" ginger root

or 

1 lb carrots, 1" ginger root

or

1 package baby spinach, 1 bell pepper, 1 apple

A few years ago this sounded nasty, yukkie gross to me!

Now?

YUM!!!

Today, I was at work when one of my favorite people came by. I had not seen Sarah in 3 months. She was really excited about beginning to juice! She told me that from our phone conversations, she became inspired to start juicing.

Then, she stepped back, took a look at me, asked me if I was dating someone. That I definitely looked different.

She told me I had more "glow" in my skin, that I looked as if I had taken off 20 lbs. She knows how to thrill me!

I told her I had been on a juice fast for 2 weeks. On my 5'3" frame, losing 10 lbs makes a big difference. I had felt different, stronger, more energetic, more focused. Wasn't aware that I looked different. Ahhhh, Sarah. So good for me!

Feeling physically good does not always amount to feeling emotionally and/or spiritually good.

As much as things are going right in my life, I battle with depression. A pervasive feeling of deep sadness. A feeling of being completely alone in the world. Isolated. It's my personal demon.

Sarah is a wonderful person, gives great hugs! I needed those hugs, being beaten down a lot lately. Anxiety over my upcoming trip. Cold-orado is my least favorite place, yet, it's important to go.

Sarah's hugs brightened my whole day. I hope she starts to love juicing as much as I'm loving it. Depression is tough to conquer, however, it's better to not have to conquer depression AND obesity.

More Juicing = No Obesity

More Hugs = No Depression

I'll keep juicing, maybe one cure will take care of both, eventually!

When did people start being so fake?

Just be genuine.

It happens all day, every day. All night, every night. Maybe it became more prevalent when social media came into existence? There have always been fakers, posers, impersonators. There was even a movie made about it, "Catch me if you can". 

Why are so many people so fake without much to gain? Saying they care, when they don't. Tossing "I love you" out there as casually as they would order a burger at the drive through speakers in auto lane of a fast food restaurant. People will often seem to be on board, committed to plans with another person or a group, then.......they flake. Maybe they forgot, maybe they felt they couldn't say, "no". Maybe they are just one of millions of people who have never learned how to just be real.

This pervasive practice has caused me to lose a lot of trust, a lot of faith in the goodness of people.

Seems, to me, that people used to be more trustworthy, more faithful to their spouses, their commitments. Integrity was more common, flakes, not so much.

In today's world, most people only give first names, aren't willing to help another person, say things they don't mean to people they should care about, yet their own selfishness keeps them from following through.

When a woman who seems to me to be a flake, recently asked me to come to an event I told her I would be working. She knew I would be working during that time, I always work during that time frame, she comes to my workplace to do business. This woman just irks me with her lack of sincerity. So,when she invited me, then, I told her I would be working, she said, "I'll miss you." Bullshit!
I shot back at her, "I don't believe you, thank you, anyway."
She wasn't even shocked. No reply at all.
Maybe, facing the result of her repeated lack of being genuine no longer phases her.

People cannot be changed until they recognise, then, wish to change. People can only change themselves.

Personally, I will stay genuine, in a world of fakes. I will cherish those who are valuable to me, those who I love, who love me in return.
This morning, I deleted 20 contacts from my cell, permanently. Just another step toward being more real.

Getting SERIOUS!!

Finally...

Now, I see it!

Have been feeling it for a few months, now. Finally, I see it! Have not seen my obliques for a long ass time. Now, not only can I feel the shift in the muscles on the sides of my body from right below my breasts to the top of my hip bones, I see them!!!

From the fit, strong slender girl I was after  finishing USAF training to the flabby, miserable, obese person I became after giving birth to 4 sweet babies, married to a hyper critical, verbally abusive male. Now, have come full circle. It feels good to not say that, it feels good to be that!

Talk the talk, walk the walk. Be the bee. Feeling like the Queen BEE!

This morning, I could feel a shift in mind, body, intent, focus. Didn't feel the need to take even 5 minutes to prep my hair or even a smidge of make up before leaving for the gym! Rinse the face, brush the teeth, brush hair back into a low pony tail. BOOM! Out the door. Don't give a #2, what matters most is getting there,pumped up to start another hard, painful, sweaty workout!

Today is a job #2 day, so, don't have to be at work until 10 am! An hour later is 1 extra hour to work on sculpting my body into a higher level of fit/strong, lower BMI.

I want it.

Want it so bad!

Gonna get it!

I want to be that woman who looks skinny in street clothes, looks like a beast, naked, nothing but a smile!

The LBN movement fascinates me. Oh, I'm a very feminine girly girl. Perfume, not much makeup, lingerie, not one for lace but lots of soft silky clothes. Beauty, sweetness, softness and strong, tough survivor mentality.

LBN = Look Better Naked

NOT better than others, no,it's not a prideful, arrogant attitude. It's looking better than before starting a rigorous, self improvement regimen for mind & body!

Stay humble.

Stay sweet.

Love deeply, loving yourself enough to take care of the body you were given. I see it as an expression of gratitude to the creator who gave this miraculous machine of female human body to a spirit in trust

It's about love, trust, work and uttering profanities occasionally, just a little, it's the angel/devil balance. ha ha!

Today, I seek balance.

*smile*
.

Mele of my Heart

Can you feel it? 

This heart, born with me at birth is a sensitive, sweet and caring one. It can also be a strong, fierce heart of a warrior woman, fighter, a lover, a true heart.

Hearts can be very wild, that's why ribs are cages.

Malama na koa!

I'm a lover, not a fighter, I will still fight for what I love. Have to add to this, I will give my time, love, my caring to those who give theirs to me.

Having lived in Hawai'i for a total of 7 years plus going back numerous times after that, the islands live in my heart, even if I can't live in the islands. One very popular person in the islands is Keali'i Reichel. He is undefinable. So many facets to this wonderful man!
He is a professor of Hawai'ian History, A Kumu Hula, A Comedian, A song writer, Entertainer, Performance Artist, Cultural Ambassador plus so much more!
His music touches the souls of so many around the world. His music is, simply, born from his heart to reach out to connect with the others in the world in need of the sweet caresses which wash over like warm trickles of water on a chilly day.

His music is made to be danced to in Hula movements. Sometimes seductively slow with a serious pout on the dancers lips as in E' O' Mai. Sometimes in painstakingly precise floor movement as in Mauna Leo. Sometimes very slow sexy movement with teasing hips, bright, mischievous smiles as in E Ho'i I Ka Pili.

His music is sometimes baby-making music. You know what I mean!

Quite often, it's just sweet to lay back, pick up every nuance of the slack key guitar, the trill of the Ukulele tenor key, the rattle of the Uli Uli, the soft beat of the Ipu heke.

Then......there's his voice! Like no other voice, ever! Not even Izrael Kamakawiwo'ole.
Also known as Bradda Iz. Mostly famous for his song at the opening of a hit T.V. show. Somewhere Over The Rainbow.

Keali'i has such personality. He's a very joyful, fun filled, emotional, hot bodied Hawai'ian. His first language was Hawai'ian during his childhood on Maui.
His music is most often in Hawai'an, sometimes in Hawai'ian with some English. A few songs, such as Fields of Gold are in English with his soulful voice rendering music as only he can. The road that never ends. Beautiful.

Here we are
In this holy place together
Bearing witness 
As the two of you become man and wife
On this day as you join in heart and spirit
You begin another chapter in the book of life

Love
Is a circle that surrounds you
You can find it on the faces of your family and friends
Love
Let it wrap its' arms around you
And guide you on your journey down the road that never ends

There's a song in your heart
You can hear it if you listen
As it whispers through the branches
High above the family tree
And as time
Plays its' melody upon you
You can rest assured in knowing
That you're right where you should be

There's more. You can look him up on You Tube to experience for yourself the beauty of his music. Revel in his humor, his wit, maybe even find yourself swaying, humming along! It's a sweet experience of ohana.


I have danced hula to his music both in public as well as in private. Am not as precise as I would like, however, it feels good to lose myself in the movements.

My favorite Keali'i Reichel song is Mailes Song. Also known as Hawai'ian Lullaby. It features a section by Robert Cazimero: 

I can smile when it's raining
And touch the warmth of the sun
I hear children laughing
In this place that I love


Beautiful! I told my daughter I want her to have this song with her dancing a hula to it at my funeral. Life is part of living. In living we run the risk of dying each day.

If the link below is un-clickable, copy & paste into your address bar. Listen to this song with your eyes closed. With headphones. With eyes opened if you wish. Listen with your ears, feel it trickle into your heart.
Mahalo for letting me share with you.

Aloha!




https://youtu.be/xejiWC4EAls

Rehab Time!

Let's go!

After my morning workout, there was a bit too much traffic congested around the school zone, so, I took an alternate route. The route chosen took me through a neighborhood that was slightly upscale. 

Let me just say that I'm not a dumpster diver kinda gal. Not dogging those who are, it simply is not my way. I prefer new, unique items. Yeah, just like many aspects of my life, I'm quite picky. I know what I prefer, generally stick to it.

There was a large, white house with a beautifully landscaped yard. Set out to the road was an upholstered chair that had seen better days. Next to it, was a small oval table.All wood, real wood! It has an inset thick glass top. The wood is beautiful. Just needs a bit of filler in a couple spots. The dove tail joints snapped together when I pressed on them. I put it in my car, took it home. It was surprisingly heavy! 
The first thought was GUEST ROOM!!!
My daughter may be coming down here to visit me. In the past 8 years of being on my own, I have always kept a guest room. Time to get it together!

My buds are always asking me how they can help me. How they can do something for me. Being a very independent person who is not used to that, all I needed was for them to change some light bulbs for me, I don't have a ladder...yet. So, rung them up to ask of their experience in painting. Told them about my table find with all of it's potential, they agreed to take a look at it. YAY!

I took before pix. Maybe, I'll post before & after versions!

Stay tuned!

Hello Buddies! 

Meet Jack!

Last night was, umm, interesting. Kinda fun, revealing.

My 3 buddies arrived at 5 pm. 2 buds, 1 new guy. They arrived to my door at 5 pm to the aroma of fresh baked bread, garlic & chicken, mmm!

Since I have gone up a level in my quest for greater health, my Jack LaLanne power juicer is sitting on the butcher block table in my kitchen where there used to be a bamboo arrangement. When Jesse stepped in, he looked at the juicer, asked what the heck it was! 

OMGoodness! he asked so he durn well was gonna find out, ha ha! I grabbed some ginger root plus a 1 lb. container of carrots from the fridgie. Cut the carrots plus a 1.5 " section of ginger, powered ol' Jack up & juiced those babies! The guys were looking at the carrot & ginger juice pouring out of the juicer in a steady stream with combined 'tudes of amazement mixed with what looked like, O Lord! hope she won't ask me to try that shizz! ROFLMOO!!

Too late.

Asking them who's going first, there were no volunteers. I poured a little into a demi crystal taster cup, the first one took it. The look on his face was priceless! A total eww yuck moment!
I busted up laughing as I poured & handed the second cup to Cali guy! His reaction was masked quite well, yet, I could see right through him. Next, was Jesse. He threw it back like a tequila shot then smiled. HAH! he was such a champ!

Slowly I let the guys off the hook.

We sat down, Cali guy said the blessing on the food then one poured the lemon water into wine glasses. Each took a turn spooning the pesto chicken & tortellini Alfredo onto their plates. I sliced the warm bread, only an hour old. As they dug into the grub they gathered, I heard their murmurs of extreme culinary pleasure. Jesse looked at me, "OMG! How did you make this! How did you become such a great cook?" I told him, I had a catering service for 5 years. Cali guy smiled, "Ah, that explains it. The food not only looks good, it has presentation appeal!" 
WOWZERZ!
Now, that was an ah-may-zing  compliment!
These 3 guys, sitting around my Pier 1 bistro table, laughing, talking, joking, sharing stories, were a little slice of heaven on Earth, last night.
Doing nice things for others feels so good, so natural to me. Cooking to please others is an extreme pleasure for me! 
Since I'm mainly juicing, I boxed up the chicken tortellini for Jesse to take home, then the bread for the other 2 guys. They were such great company, loved having them over.

The evening was almost perfect!

All good things.....

Three Terrifying Words!

I'm Coming over!

Yesterday,after I arrived home from work, a couple buddies rang me up, wanting to get together. 
Now, I LOVE to cook. Cleaning, not so much. Buddies are broke, I'm broke, at least, until Thursday! I have more than enough eats, a full tank of gas, bills have been completely paid since March 1st.
So, I'm cooking dinner.
Living alone, i don't keep a clean house like I used to, like I should. Plus? My fascination with my new toy has kept me quite distracted from doing anything besides working out & working!

Get your mind out of the gutter!

So, buddies were jazzed that I volunteered to cook. Okay! "We're coming over at 5, cool?"
Cool.
ARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Time to clean house!

First, cook dinner so it's done when they arrive. For dinner?

Pesto chicken with spinach cheese tortellini
Home made wheat bread
Porn (ha ha! aka peas & corn)
Chocolate cheese cake for dessert

Awll-righty peeps, it's GO TIME!!!!

Love, Peace * Crabs

OUT

Too Smart?

Is it possible to be too smart?

Oh

Hello!

How are you this moment? Sit back, it's a wild ride, but only if you like being wild, do you???

Good

I like being wild. I would be wild and free every moment that I live & breathe if that were socially acceptable. When wearing a lab coat, taking care of patients, it's not acceptable. Stupid colloquialism ~ a time & place for everything.~  Stupid, although, the more' that humans who want to fit in, in the human world, must adhere to.

Wild!  Even the word conjures images, feelings of excitement in my brain. Running on the beach, nekkid, laughing, singin', kicking the ocean waves. Not so sure the other people would appreciate this, would probably get arrested. So, when I go to the beach, I walk along on the shore, picking up seashells, sand dollars, letting the incoming waves wash over my feet. In my mind, I can be as wild as I wish!
Get down wit cha bad thelf!

I can think of many ways to be wild, this is a G Rated blog. Feel free to be wild in your own mind, just don't get arrested, 'cause I won't go in to post bail for you!

So, by now, you can see that I have a very creative, expressive, playful, sexual mind.

Have always been very very curious, creative. Some people say I'm very smart, some have told me I'm TOO SMART. 
Is it possible to be too smart? If a persons smarts are used in the right way? Focused, channelled in a constructive direction? Used in their profession, relationships, used to enrich their own life as well as the lives of others?
I briefly re-connected with a guy I dated at 16 a few years ago. He told me that guys don't like it when a woman is "too smart". There that phrase is again. He told me that when a woman is too smart, she sees right through his bullshit, calls him out, makes him be accountable for his B.S.
That's me! I definitely call people on their B.S. If a guy doesn't dish out, he's fine, yet, we live in a imperfect world.
He also told me that it takes a very confident guy to be able to spend time with me. Well.......durrr!
Guess this is why Alpha males appeal to me. Not just any Alpha, a certain type. There are very few of that certain type.

Added to being smart, I am very intuitive. Am not bragging. Everyone has intuition, the "gut feeling" felt about anything. Can be positive, can be negative, usually, it's correct. There are exceptions. It can be off at times, swayed by chemistry with another person, money or alcohol. heh heh
Started fine tuning my intuition at a very young age without realizing it. The times I ignored my intuition or allowed it to be blurred by the fore said elements, it was disastrous! Have had many many spiritual experiences that are too precious to me to share with anyone in a blog.

Add to this, a burning curiosity. Curious about everything. Being single, alone, free to explore.........OMGoodness, I have explored a lot! If something or someone catches my attention, I check it out. Sometimes it's just a little surprise, sometimes it's BIG!!!
It's part of who I am, so, I keep doing it, exploring. 
Yes, I get a jolt of excited pleasure when I discover something super groovy - bust up in a brief excited giggle! A genuine, bona fide "AHA" moment. People have told me it looks like sparks in my eyes when someone has witnessed one of these moments. Dam straight!

So, yup, gonna recap!

Smarts
Intuition
Wild-factor
Passion
Curioustiy
Adventurous

Oooooo Guys! Be scared! Be vewy fwightened!

Now, go be wild, just don't get arrested!

Must Be Strong

Baby, just hold on!

I cling to those words. They keep me going.

Do you deal with depression? Deep, dark, soul eating depression?

I do.

I lost my faith, have never found it again, so, I rarely if ever pray. This song, however, resonates with me.

It feels as if I've been engaged in Spiritual Warfare since forever. Fighting to survive in one piece without losing sanity, losing desire to socialize, losing hope that there will be a semblance of peace, eventually.

Being 1/2 Native American, 1/8 Irish, maybe is why I'm such a fiery, passionate, sexual, consummate student. More relevant than all these, I'm a survivor. Everyone has their trial in life, as selfish as this sounds, it seems that I have been through too many trials.

Abused by Satan. Knowing I have a heart of gold, a deep desire to do good in the world, to love myself first, love others, derive joy from random acts of kindness, Satan wants to have his fun with me to see how much it takes to turn me into someone evil.

Maybe he will someday succeed, most likely, he won't.

His major tool with me is depression.

He used my parents & siblings to distort my mind, then, I went through extensive counseling to fix it.

Next, he used my ex huzz to try to inflict the same damage, I left, then recovered.

Third, he used the males in Colorado Springs who left me so damaged, so emotionally hurt, I was determined to build strong walls around my heart, to never love again so I would not be hurt.

Along came the last one who I would ever expect to come back into my life, he finished me off.. 

The depression lasted for a solid year after that. He had me convinced that we were going to start a life together. OMFG he was slick! He even convinced me to give up my darling Yorkies who I loved so much.

The local Methodist Church had a wonderful counselor who allowed me to sob my heart out in her office. Cleansing tears which helped me to climb out of the dark pit I was in.

Slowly, I began the climb. Baby steps. Every day. Every night. Then, the nightmares started. Horrible nightmares that woke me to the sound of my own screams. Grinding my top and bottom front teeth together so hard, I did damage that required $2,000. to fix and lots of pain in the dentists chair.

Seeking solace, I found that the local Baptist church had a great singles group! WOW! The leader of the group is one of the most incredible men I have ever met. A man who walks the walk. A true son of God, a true follower of Jesus Christ. He is human, I know, still such a good man.

This group has gone the extra mile when I needed them as well as allowing me to give to them.

Yeah, I know

Being a natural helping, giving person, it thrills me that they let me contribute. Depression is the sickness, serving others is the balm of human kindness to soothe a multitude of sadness.

A double sided ice cream cone, top & bottom.

Lick me, bite me!

HAH! 

                                              "Make It Happen"

Not more than three short years ago
I was abandoned and alone
Without a penny to my name
So very young and so afraid
No proper shoes upon my feet
Sometimes I couldn't even eat
I often cried myself to sleep
But still I had to keep on going
Never knowing if I could take it
If I would make it through the night
I held on to my faith
I struggled and I prayed
And now I've found my way

[Chorus:]
If you believe in yourself enough
And know what you want
You're gonna make it happen
Make it happen
And if you get down on your knees at night
And pray to the Lord
He's gonna make it happen
Make it happen

I know life can be so tough
And you feel like giving up
But you must be strong
Baby just hold on
You'll never find the answers
If you throw your life away
I used to feel the way you do
Still I had to keep on going
Never knowing if I could take it
If I would make it through the night
I held on to my faith
I struggled and I prayed
And now I've finally found my way

I once was lost
But now I'm found
I got my feet
On solid ground
Thank you Lord
If you believe
Within your soul
Just hold on tight
And don't let go
You can make it
Make it happen

Fitness Talk

Deal with it

A few days ago I was reading the "unwritten rules" of facebook etiquette. Number 2 was "Don't talk about your workouts, post selfies at the gym or anything fitness related."

Well! They got that right! It really IS a pile of Number 2 ! ! !

Fitness is my main life focus, my passion, my sanity, my lover, my life saver, life changer, entertainment plus, it's just plain good for me! So, yeah. I'll talk about fitness, health, nutrition. Anyone who knows me in person who doesn't want to hear about fitness is out of luck. I'm just getting started. Now that I'm armed with a power juicer, an endless supply of recipes, plus an abundance of fres veggies, LOOK OUT!

You may ask what fuels my passion. Okay, so,maybe you wouldn't ask. here it is, anyway.

I learned a little about how exercise can transform the body when I went through USAF BMT, Tech School, Camp Bullis (experimental program training women for combat). When I went home to Michigan slimmed down, toned up, slightly muscular with flat abs plus more confidence, people were amazed at the transformation. 

I was a painfully shy, skinny, sensitive, mousy little country kid when I left. That changed.

I knew about exercise, I didn't know much about nutrition. It wasn't much of a focus at the time in most of the world. Nutrition & rigorous exercise is everything!

When I married at 22 I was fit,strong, vibrant, full of energy, yeah- yeah, was also full of humorous sarcasm & fire! 
Then, the babies came along. My body bounced back after the first two. Not so much after the second 2, only 18 months apart. I wanted 10 little critters! Am thankful, now, that my ex huzz talked me out of it. Plus, he began to heavily criticize everything I did. I ate to make myself feel better. He tried to control me, I ate to feel better. He began insulting me constantly until it had been 4 years since he had said, "I love you".
My weight climbed higher. It was a vicious circle. he verbally abused me, I ate, then he insulted me more, I ate.

That's how I got to the point of my BMI being at 55. YIKES! He is not to blame. I was a grown, adult, who made choices. Very bad choices out of misery, feeling trapped, ugly, worthless. yet, I made those choices. It's important to realize responsibility for our own choices so it's possible to untangle that ball of string.

So, I began. The first time I got on a treadmill, walking at  a 1.5 speed, I felt as though I was dying. It actually caused me to feel physical pain. My back hurt, my feet were hurting, my knees. I was sweating and my heart was pounding after only 5 minutes.

That is how I started. Ex-huzz began to put me down more, I wasn't going to let him stop me.His verbal abuse escalated. It only made me want to work out even more. He was a very jealous, insecure person. As other men started looking at me again, it caused his verbal barrage to escalate.
No chance I would stop, now. I would throw verbal barbs at him like I had never done before. Told him, "Suck my dick" ooh, that really got to him. He couldn't move me to uncontrollable sobs any longer.

The divorce was final in January, 2007. What a relief! It felt as though I had hit a re-set button on life. It felt as if I were asleep for so long, now, I was springing back to life. There was no one trying to shove me into the mould of who they wanted me to be, who they thought I should be.
Gradually, the changes were occurring to turn back into who I really am! YAY!

I graduated from 1 hour on the treadmill at a 4.4 speed, 15% incline, to the elliptical. 1 hour on the elliptical, 5 speed, level 20 resistance for a solid hour, sometimes going for the 10 minute cool down. I used free weights, used weight resistance, yet, not near as much as I should have. It was a learning, growing, improvement time for both mind and body.

Sometimes I switched it up between elliptical, stationary bike, treadmill or all three for 20 minutes each. From August  2011 - December 2011 life was hell on Earth for me. Not going into details. My counselor said it's best to keep moving forward. I'm still learning.

Circumstances were that I needed to move to Texas,so, I began a plan. I wasn't working out much during "Hell Time". I knew I had to get back to it.

In 2012, I encountered 3 people who I thought cared about me, people who I deeply loved who body shamed me. With all the progress I had made, unfortunately, I allowed them to steal my joy in my accomplishments. I take full lumps for allowing them.

I moved 4 times between May 2012 - February 2013.

When I had my BMI measured after signing up with a local fitness center, It was 29!!!
Last July, it was around 22 - 24. From 55 down to 24, WOW! 
It's way easier to lose weight than it is to lower BMI.

I started a strength training program in October 2014. In December, when I went to Las Vegas, I bought my first backless dress, ever!

DAM! It looked GREAT!  I think I finally got my groove back.

If anyone body shames me, now, it probably wont have much effect on me. 

Still, I consider myself a work in progress. My obliques are showing, my stomach is getting flatter & more firm with time. 
I'm cheating on the elliptical with the StairMaster! 20 minutes, level 8, 72 floors, every day!
Then, a 1 hour Pilate's ~ Ab Sculpting Class, then, 30 minute Power Yoga Burn & Firm.

Do I have a perfect body? Hell, no! I consider myself a work in progress ( said it again! )

Will I get there? HELL YES! 

Just because I want it, so bad!

I might even go back to Personal Training, eventually.

There's your fitness talk!

GO!

GETCHA SOME!

Men

I love you just as you are don't ever change
These words may be deemed as far too simple
Alas, they are not said enough to most men
Is this declaration really so strange?

Using good manners is appreciated much
We all belch, fart, spit, snort have boogers
Adjust yourself if you need to and when
As long as you use a sweeping discreet touch

The scent of testosterone in a sports bar
Yes, it has a wonderful strong scent to me
The scent of testosterone anywhere really
A pleasure I love in life that is free

Leave the toilet seat up I love a salute
Put it down if you wish it won't matter
A man in the home should be king
For all his hard work in his success pursuit

Manly men who devote time to family, work like a dog
Stay true to their lady, their principles, their honor
Realize as sons of God their true potential
The ultimate child of a frog is a frog

I don't like to sleep alone.

Do you?

What's it like to sleep with me? Usually quiet, sometimes a little noisy. Always pleasant, peaceful, with vivid dreams. I should know, I've been doing it for several years, now. Doing it and doing it and doing it. Sleeping, that is!

HAH!

Did your mind just go dirty? tsk tsk. :)

Sleep wasn't such a big deal to me for a long time. Mostly because I hated to be tired, to sleep. It seemed to be such a waste of time to be laying unconscious for several hours doing nothing, accomplishing nothing. Just unconscious, vulnerable, nearly comatose. When I sleep? That's it. I'm gone. Dead to the world. Not much could ever wake me, now, nothing does except my body clock, occasionally the pre-set alarm. 

I used to stay awake as long as I humanly could. There was a bit of caffeinated infusion involved sometimes. Usually, there would be a project I was working on that kept my mind buzzing, concentrated effort spurred me forward as I worked long into the night ever closer to completion. VICTORY! The finish was in sight! The crowd would be cheering, no, it was the birds singing! Time to go to bed.

Usually I orchestrated my life events so that I could make it to my goal of getting dressed by 1400. That's 2 o'clock in the afternoon to those who need to know this. Shameful, hmm? So, it could be said that it wasn't that I didn't like to sleep, I had to be at the brink of exhaustion so I could just fall on the bed into a deep sleep within a minute. Yep, that fast! 

It could also be said that I didn't like to sleep at night. There's a myriad of reasons, yet, I know that for a long time I loathed sleeping at night. At one point in my life, I had to sleep at night so that I could get children up then off to school. I really hated doing that. After the last one was out the door, I would crawl back into bed with a smile!  Get up 3 hours later, then get the housework done, the laundry, take the dog for a walk, come home, get dinner started, sit down work on a project until everyone started trickling in the door.

After the divorce, that changed. I had business to take care of, appointments to keep. The life of leisure was O-V-E-R  over! Everything was dependent on me. It was then, that I began to discover the true value of sleep. Long, restful, blissful, deep sleep. 

I was squeaking by on 4 hours per night, which was way more than I'd become used to ~ ever!

There was another problem.

The bed.

With just me, in it, it felt so cold, so empty. Although I had come to realize the value of sleep, I couldn't fall asleep alone. During my marriage, the only part that never suffered was our sex life. At least once a day, usually 2 - 3 times per day. We were two very very passionate people with high drives who enjoyed sex a lot. We were good together in bed. Everything else besides that was quite miserable for me

Sex was gone, too.

Cold, empty bed, no sex, no affection, no sweet pillow talk. It was difficult to sleep. No, it was nearly impossible. I became a light sleeper, every noise, every shadow, woke me. 

Totally gave up caffeine.

Am not one to take meds or consult a doctor, was going to handle this on my own. Whole Foods was a place I loved to go to even when not looking for anything specific. On one meander through the aisles of "cool stuff" I saw a sweet Teddy bear. Not just an ordinary one, oh no!! This one could be warmed, then taken to bed.

Interesting concept. Taking a hot guy to bed! Here Teddy - Teddy - Teddy!

I bought one, took him home. He didn't help me knock out cold right away, however , the warmth was comforting.

I'd push him to the foot of the bed to warm my cold little tootsies. He made my stomach settle if I'd had a tough day, by placing him on my stomach then eventually hugging him to my chest to turn on my side.

Sometimes, I would place him against my back, it felt as if someone was there.

Sometimes....put him between my thighs, it felt as if......well, you know!

Hey, the bear was wonderful to have for many many reasons. Get your mind out of the gutter! ;)

One sad day, I nuked poor Teddy too long, he smelled like burned toast! Yucky! Luckily, Whole Foods had one of Teddies' twins there, so, once again, I was sleeping with a hot guy every night. In fact, I couldn't sleep without him. The warmth was nice, I had gone through 4 Teddies when the effect wore off. That was a very sad thing for me.

I looked into OTC meds, they left me groggy the next day. I had business to take care of, couldn't be groggy. 

Then, I discovered these little blue gel capsules when looking through the generic sleep aids. Selected one, took them home, followed the directions. Taking one, 2 hours before bed made me able to fall asleep ~ 3 hours later! The effect only kept me asleep for 5 hours.

The next night, I took 2, was able to sleep within 1 hour yet, woke up every 1 - 3 hours. I didn't have any appointments the next day, so, the next night, I took 4 at 7 pm........BOOM!

I fell into a deep,restful sleep by 2030, woke at 0800 feeling like I could take on the world! leap tall buildings! become POTUS! I opted for a very long, intense, sweaty workout!

With my lil blue buddies, I can knock out cold by 2100, wake up with no alarm @ 0500 feeling refreshed, ready for whatever life has planned for me.

Now, the freaky stuff! I had been hearing about how eating different foods before bed can induce different types of dreams.

I experimented with different suggestions. This may be a psychosomatic suggestion, yet, it did cause some very interesting dreams to occur.

These were the effects on me, personally:

Sharp Cheddar Cheese - Vivid, pleasant dreams of a sexual nature

Cottage Cheese - Nostalgic, surreal dreams of the past

Deviled Eggs w/Cilantro - Violent dreams with big black snakes, rapists, murder

Swiss Cheese - Dreams of being very powerful, invincible with lucidity.

Of course, I don't use these foods to induce a type of dream every night, however, it always produces the same type of dream from eating the same type of food.

Now, I have a heated mattress pad, as well as a heat pad which can do the same double duty as Teddy did. Yupp. heh heh. feels like someone is there.

I don't like to sleep alone, yet, life is, such as it is. I decided a long time ago to be happy, so, I will be happy, no matter what!

Now...

Go to sleep!

;)

Sweet, Petite, Dangerous to Know!

Maybe

That's a play on the description of Lord Byron, the infamous famous English poet. I say infamous because of the stories of his philandering, womanizing, on the sly business dealings. Famous, simply because he was and is. 
i.e. From every female he bedded he took a lock of hair, only, not from their heads. um, yup. 
Guys, please don't get any ideas!

Famous for his clever poetry.
He was abused as a young boy. His governess beat scripture into him by day, sexually abused him at night starting at around the age of 10 years. Is it any oddity that he became the notorious man of dubious character that he became?
As a youth, the most noted aspect of his personality was that he was a sensitive child as well as very very precocious. His sensitive nature surfaced in his writings which titillated the ladies who were drawn to him throughout his life. It did not hurt that he was said to be extraordinarily handsome. Natural good looks, sensitivity, charisma, appeared to be wealthy, wrote poetry to express himself. Yep, a real player.

Writings such as this:

She Walks in Beauty

BY LORD BYRON

She walks in beauty, like the night

   Of cloudless climes and starry skies;

And all that’s best of dark and bright

   Meet in her aspect and her eyes;

Thus mellowed to that tender light

   Which heaven to gaudy day denies.

One shade the more, one ray the less,

   Had half impaired the nameless grace

Which waves in every raven tress,

   Or softly lightens o’er her face;

Where thoughts serenely sweet express,

   How pure, how dear their dwelling-place.

And on that cheek, and o’er that brow,

   So soft, so calm, yet eloquent,

The smiles that win, the tints that glow,

   But tell of days in goodness spent,

A mind at peace with all below,

   A heart whose love is innocent!

Most likely, every lady who read these lines, who had "been" with Lord Byron, thought these lines were written for her. There were many ladies so he had quite a large fan club.

NO! I don't fancy myself unto Lord Byron although, I do write quite a bit. Have written hundreds of poems, a book, 7 volumes of journals as well as, of course, blog entries.

Sweet? yes, mostly, although, if someone crosses me, I give in return, just as is dealt to me. Petite? Becoming more so with time. Looking at photos from even a year ago, I noticed that my legs are slimmer with more muscle, arms are slimmer with slight muscle definition. I'll just say of this, doing squats does a body good, 'nuf said! My abs are getting more definition which thrills me. It's exciting to see progress. 

A T-shirt I bought a year ago was way too tight. I put it on yesterday, it fit perfectly with room to spare! This shows me, although I'm not losing weight, my body is becoming more compact, more lean, more muscular. 

With all the long workouts I'm doing, YAY! It's great to see progress.

Dangerous to know? In a good way, yes. Having a creative mind, means I think of things outside of the usual. Very creative. On some occasions, I go back to being the shy girl I started out as in life. Mostly, am very curious, very inquisitive. Adventurous, mostly fearless to try as well as do those things many are afraid of. Therefore, as I see it, they deprive themselves of supreme experiences in adventures that come along so infrequent in a lifetime that, to pass it up, seems like a sad loss. 

I'm not dangerous unless someone hurts me very badly, emotionally or hurts someone I love.

The solution? Don't be a dick, no one gets hurt, emotionally, that is.

*smile*

Got Sunshine?

Spring is definitely on its way!!

Felt very strong, very positive when I stepped outside this morning.  The air was so warm, the birds are singing.  Warm air brings something I notice at this time of year.

The smell of dog shit is in the air. 

All the months of the air being so cold, so crisp. People in this town have so many dogs! Having 1 or 2, I can understand. Most people, I noticed have 5 or more.  A lot of dogs means a lot of dog shit. People walk their dogs or let them run loose or they just get loose as dogs, sometimes, do. So, dogs eat, then, they shit all over everywhere. It freezes during cold weather, not much smell. As the weather warms up, the smell of dog shit greets me as I step out the door for my morning workout. 
Usually, there's no dog shit on my lawn, none on my driveway. Maybe I have been fortunate. Maybe they know who my landlord is. He's a very influential man in this town, maybe even the dogs know not to mess with him, figuratively. Just kidding.

Warm weather is my favorite. I hate snow, I hate ice, I hate cold weather. Love sunshine, love the birds singing, flowers blooming. Even the intense heat of  Texas summers is wonderful to me.
Heat is heavenly, to me. The hotter, the better. Love it hot!!!
The sweet pink rose bush in my front yard is budding, already. I look at the rose cuttings for sale in the stores. From cultivating roses for so many years, I know that when a rose cutting is growing, starting to produce buds, the new chutes are red. It has to do with the growth hormone that causes the new chutes to be red.  I want a fragrant rose species. It has to give back to me if I'm going to go to the work of taking care of it.  I see these red chutes, it feels like, how in the silent language of plants, they are crying out to me to buy them, save them. Like a whimpering puppy in a kennel. Please! Save me! Take me home, love me!!!!
Oh! I want to! I want to buy all of them and if I could, I would. Thoughts of buying one or 20 & grabbing a random Mexican guy to plant them for me go through my mind. That's a lot of enchiladas.
If I can't have gardenias or tuberose, roses will suffice.
Being a romantic, soft woman at heart, is tough in this world. People tell me I seem strong. OH YEAH! Brenda really has it together, Brenda has it going on, so strong.
Strong because I have to be. The alternate choices would be self destruction. I handle my biz. Take care of body (have to work the body) the soul (positive thinking) mind (avoid A-holes, constantly embrace change, embrace new ideas, learning!)

If I could have it the way I want it?
 I would be sweet, loving, giving with everyone. I could love everyone without reservation. They would love me in return, without reservation, never taking advantage nor taking for granted.
The world is not like that. It's a nice fantasy. That's all it is, pure fantasy. I know this.

So, I embrace the sweet springtime. 

Take time to smell the dog shit.

Be real

Flakes are so annoying

Today, I feel so much better. I got through it on my own as I usually do. O yeah, a few people who knew I was going in for a minor med procedure said, "I'll be over to check on you" also "Can I bring lunch to you".

Never happened, no shock.

Words spoken with no action behind them makes a person look weak, flaky, false.

For this reason, I don't believe peoples words now. I listen politely, I say "thank you", then, I wait & watch to see if they back their words up with actions. Sometimes they come through, more often, they don't. Only believing when I see it has become kind of a self protective practice. 
There is a woman from my past to thank for teaching me to not be a flake. She called me out a few times. It stunned me. Slightly pissed me off. She was right. That is probably what it was that caused me to go through such a gauntlet of emotions to finally face the flake that I was. Yup, mm hmm, I admit, I was a flaky person. 
Oh, she was waaayyy harsh on me. 
Maybe it's what I needed. A harsh, cold, slap in the face wake up call! She def delivered. We were friends for many years. I even named one of my children after her. Eventually, her harsh disapproval of my life choices ended our friendship. During my divorce, as well as for a few years after, I was emotionally, spiritually fragile. Love, support, kindness & understanding was what I needed the most. She kept delivering harsh judgement. It was time to let the friendship go. That, in itself, was nearly as painful as the divorce.
Still, I love her with all my heart. 
The friendship is cooled, the lessons learned remain. Whereas I felt, sisterly love, fascination, admiration with a touch of fear toward this incredible woman, now, I feel deep fondness, gratitude, understanding, still a touch of trepidation at how fierce she could sometimes be.
We have lost touch, yet, I know how to find her. She would welcome me with love, sweetness plus a touch of fierce, yet, I know when to let go. 
The desire for the friendship is gone, the lessons learned remain.

When I love, I love with my whole heart. When I say something, I fully mean it. Say what you will do, then do it! Say where you'll be, then be there when you say you will unless there is a very preventative factor as to why not. Then, let those who are expecting you, know why you can't be there. Try to re-schedule if possible. 
It's a simple concept.
Many fail to recognise, then, practice this.
When receiving a gift, let the other person know you received it, express your delight, your gratitude to them. In person if possible. By phone call is second best. SOMETHING!
Another simple concept people often fail to practice.
FLAKY!
During my 2 days of recovery, I had a lot of time to think, can ya tell? Ha ha, yup - yup!

Finally, I can go to the gym, hit it hard. 2 days of not working out makes me bitchy. Working out makes me feel happy, alive, strong, calm. Gets my excess energy out. 
I have SO MUCH energy!
Really, I thought my energy level might dissipate as I moved on through time ( I refuse to say "became older"). Ha ha, no chance!
I seem to be picking up speed with time.  More energy now, than ever! Love it! My body has changed shape with time, hard workouts, strength training. Re-gained flexibility from doing  an hour of Yoga every morning, then an hour in the evening. 
People have said, "You can't get your pre-baby body back!" O YEAH????
Watch me!
When I hear this, I think, "Maybe YOU can't, I abso-effing-lutely am doing it!"
So...
Here
I 
Go!