It's been said many times that the harder a person works, the more luck they have.
Hmm.
A personal preference in my thinking is to work smart vs hard.
The more measured most decisions are, calculated risk, the more "luck" happens.
In truth, it is when less used common sense is used more, used sensibly, luck does seem to favor that, more than doing stupid things.
Stupid actions on another level that earns a Darwin Award.
People who were my peers at the time I made the best decision I could make, to leave, then, divorce. They were also facing the possibility of divorce. Like mine, their marriages had turned into cycles of abuse.
I put it off as long as I could.
Counsel from professionals & most friends as well as family members, could see that I was miserable. The lies he told, his cheating, long freeze outs sometimes lasting for 2 weeks or until he was so horny, he couldn't stand it any longer. Telling me that I was "all used up" after giving birth to his 4 sweet babies.
Yeah, it was time.
*Disclaimer*
This is to say that I was not a perfect wife, yet far less narcissistically cruel than the one whom I had tried so hard to remain married to. Until I was the only one trying while he enjoyed coasting.
I had started preparing for the eventuality at the 10-year mark when I spoke with him about a vow renewal.
He said it was nothing to celebrate.
Our 4th sweet baby was only a few months old.
Luck favors those who prepare. I started preparing, then.
When I spoke with others who were deeply unhappy with their marriages, I gave them the advice. Advising them to love like they were going to stay, prepare for the sad event that their relationship had deteriorated so much, it couldn't be saved.
When I committed then married, I was completely committed. Never thought of divorce. Believed in staying, working it out, love conquers all. Until I was giving 95%, getting barely 5% back on a good day with decreasing good days, long stretches in between.
It was time.
Having gone through the divorce process, prepared, I believed even more firmly in the advice I had given to others.
Do everything you can to avoid divorce, prepare just in case.
The set of life rules I live by has been to prepare, to plan.
When you succeed at planning, you are planning for success.
Some people who know my background might think it's military training, well, maybe a little.
It was only after leaving my parents' home to go out into the world on my own that I realized how much my maternal grandfather's life lessons which he lovingly taught me, had become an integral part of me.
He had many British & European ways about him that I loved.
When I weigh my decisions, I think of him, often. He would be so proud of me.
Of this, I'm completely sure.
As a child, I would hear my mother and grandfather talking. My mother was seeking advice from my grandfather about the abuse she was dealing with in her own marriage. She didn't know what to do to make things better, in essence, she felt that she didn't need to change, she wanted to know what to do to change my dad.
Good luck with that!
The only time a woman can succeed at changing a man is when he is a baby with a dirty diaper & she is his mother.
My mother was very straight faced, matter of fact, very little emotion on her face, during her discussion with my grandfather. Maybe she had been dealing with it for so long, it had made her numb. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt.
Granted, my grandfather was a very strong person, he was also very tender hearted, especially when it came to his 5 children. Seeing my grandfather with tears freely flowing down his face was so painful to me. As a little girl who looked up to him, who loved him so much, it was difficult for me to witness his pain.
I was listening to my grandfather's carefully chosen words.
Even though I was only 8 years of age, I was listening.
As I processed what was being said, I told myself that if I found myself in the position my mother was in, I would try to improve it by improving what I was doing.
If there was no way to improve it, I would leave the situation. No one was worth sticking around for, if being with them was making me so miserable.
Easier to say or think it than it is to do it.
Knowing I had a hard road ahead of me, I was glad that I had prepared myself in all aspects, to get out.
So, it has been a constant in my life. Be prepared. Prepare for success, you have a greater chance at positively achieving your objective.
Being prepared served me in many other ways. With 4 kiddos, running the home mostly on my own, planning was a crucial part of keeping my sanity.
After everyone had gone to bed, I would make dinner for the next day. All that needed to be done, before the dinner hour, was to pop a homemade dish in the oven. Usually, lasagna or a tray of 20 chicken thighs (the kiddos were very hearty eaters) or a beef casserole. Possibly cut some vegetables for a fresh salad or sauté some frozen vegetables.
Family preferences were:
Corn or peas & corn went with lasagna.
Fresh green salad went with spaghetti, pizza or lasagna.
Green beans went with chicken.
Homemade New England Clam chowder with frozen cut corn, spooned into the chowder in their bowl to keep tender little lips from being burned
Spinach salad or chopped sautéed spinach with garlic went with everything!
The male I was married to insisted that he had to have a fresh cooked pot of sticky rice with every meal, even if it was spaghetti. In addition to this, I made all bread products the family ate. Dinner rolls, garlic bread, croissants, bagels, cinnamon rolls. I made it all from scratch.
Making most of the next day's dinner meant less cleanup, I could relax after dinner, along with the rest of the family.
The holidays required a bit more planning. I wanted it to be a happy time, a time of beautiful memory making. Those happen with a lot of time, work, planning. (There's the "p" word 😏)
Time for a new strategy to make the holidays happy for me, too.
I baked holiday goodies ahead of time, put them in the freezer. I made extra goodies as I knew that my kiddos AND their dad would sneak into them, take some of it.
I did Christmas shopping, starting on January 2, stopped actively shopping on October 1. If I happened to see some little thing that would make one of my children squeal or something their father wanted that I could easily afford, it was a hard YES!
I followed a rule that was in a book I had read, to give gifts without overindulging the kiddos & their dad.
I never lied to my children about Santa Clause.
It seemed fair to tell them that Saint Nick was a very kind man who, with his love for people, he chose people who were having great difficulty, to help them. He would leave gifts of warm socks, sweets, sometimes money, at their door.
Saint Nick was so loved; the acts of his kindness became a tradition.
I told my children,
"Mommy & Daddy give you the gifts, now, you know whom to say thank you, to."
Another rule of 3 gifts helped. Often, in a religious context, I told my children that the wise men gave Jesus 3 gifts, 3 was what I gave them.
1. Something they want
2.Something they need
3.Something to eat or something to read.
I was the one making Christmas happen, there were rarely any gifts for me to open. The ex huzz (we were married at the time) rarely if ever thought to give gifts to me. That's fine for someone whom it doesn't matter, to, I made it clear that it did matter to me.
Childrens attitudes & behavior toward their mother are shaped in their formative years by the way they witness their father treating their mother, by his attitude toward her.
When there were good times with all aspects running smoothly, he gladly took the credit. When we were caught up in a familial shitshow, he was quick to blame me.
Even in present day, my kiddos, whom I love with all of my being, tell me everything I did wrong while attributing all that went right to their father. I have received some kudos. When my son told me that he learned to be a planner, from me, it warmed my heart so much. When he told me, before anyone else, that he & his wife were expecting their first baby, I felt so honored.
It only causes arguments when I try to tell them that it was their father who threw things at them, made them sleep in the bathtub as punishment. He took the door to their rooms off the hinges, so they had no privacy. Their father loved porn, still does. Although he was very skilled at making up lies, saying the porn belonged to someone else. "That's not mine, I don't know how it got there."
He also used some terribly harsh swear words at times. According to them, it was me who did all of this. The kudos go to their dad for the fresh baked bread, magical Christmases, their beautiful handmade clothing, etc.
There was no point in trying to show them the truth.
I'm more of a lover than a fighter.
So, as I prefer to be more of a lover, less of a fighter, I simply apologized for their pain whether I was the culprit or not. My love for them far outweighed any injustice or my hurt feelings.
Sadly, I'm living that outcome. My childrens attitudes toward me were shaped by their father, treating me as though I had little value. Treating me with a lack of respect or courtesy. Most often, no gifts for Mother's Day, my birthday, Christmas. Most often, not even a phone call or card. As adults, most likely, they don't realize that they are treating me the way their father taught them to treat me. My youngest child so lovingly worked with me so that we would have a loving relationship, to be able to understand & love each other. One out of four.
I'll take it!
Many people who have seen my childrens attitudes toward me, which mimic their father's poor treatment of me, tell me how sad it is. How they hope the other three of my children will realize the value of having a mother who cherished them, while there is still time.
I really wanted to be a part of my son's life, get to know his wife. I didn't know her, had never met her. He got married & I got a text message. I was making the 900+ drives to visit. I tried to be the loving mom, giving them gifts, paying for dinners.
Although I have been tested for COVID once a month for two years (negative every time) was fully vaccinated, he erroneously implied I gave COVID to their baby. His wife is a sweetheart, I don't know her very well, I still love her because she & my son are so happy together. However, she has not been regularly tested, was not vaccinated, was out of the house around more people than I was. Yet, I got the blame for making their baby, sick. The look of scorn on his face in facetime, was so painful for me.
It really hurt me, made my heart hurt so deep.
There was a way for me to spend the first Mother's Day in over ten years with one of my daughters. I had hoped to make it beautiful for her. Breakfast in bed, flowers, helping her children make cards for her. I visited her with her permission, bringing gifts, doing whatever I could to show love for her.
Nope.
She made it clear that she wanted to go somewhere else just her & her children, not with me.
It hurt like a mofo when she said that. I felt so unloved, so unwelcome in her home, so, I left. She was going through some very painful things, I realize, I could have helped her if she had only allowed me to.
As much as I love her, I know when it's time to leave. I drove the 7 hours back to my home, sobbing.
She is an adult, I respected her wishes, even when she didn't respect my feelings.
These two seem to have adopted a "them vs. mom" attitude.
The attitude their father had was similar. He frequently mentioned everything Filipino being better than the USA. Yeah, so much better that Filipino girls marry elderly men or die by the boatloads just to get to the USA.
He made it clear to me that his siblings, his parents, our children were his blood. I was just his wife. Them against me.
I learned a very important lesson on that trip.
As much as I love my children, I do love them with all of my heart, I have to let them go. When it hurts me too much to hang on, it's time to let go. With the exception of my youngest, who shows love & caring toward me, consistently. Her husband is a very intelligent & kind man. He treats me with the same respect my daughter does.
The close, mutual, loving relationship that I had tried to foster, that I had thought I would have after so many years of work, sacrifice, patient teaching. The love & respect from all 4 children. I even went through a full year of painful counseling to make sure that I could be a very good mother to my children.
Now, I have to be content with the mutually loving close relationship with the one I do have. It was me, hurting myself to want that with the other three. I can choose whether to make myself unhappy over what I don't have or cherish that which I do have.
Only my youngest child out of my four children, shows love, care, concern for me on a regular basis.
I cherish her, respect her time, show love for her as much as she will let me.
Just as Camilla Whoresface never contributed to the happiness & upbringing of Prince William or Prince Harry. The second wife of the ex huzz, who never had children, gets to reap the rewards of being a grandparent though she did nothing to deserve it.
What does all of this have to do with luck?
People who were stressed out (usually the mothers in the family) around the holidays, told me that I was "lucky" that I didn't have holiday stress to deal with.
People who would tell me that they were too tired after dinner, to clean up, or coax anyone else to help or do the kitchen clean up. They would tell me that they were okay with leaving the mess to be cleaned up the next day.
They told me that I was "lucky" to be able to relax after dinner.
Of the same ilk, people who divorced at around the same time frame I did, these were people who were close in chronological age to me. Many of them didn't prepare nor did they make very smart decisions as I did during the process as well as after the divorce was final.
Yep, many of them told me that I was "lucky" that I was doing so well.
One of the women I knew at the time, had a ONS, she became pregnant with a child whose father's name she didn't know. He only told her his first name which was probably a lie.
One of the women jumped from one marriage to the next. She didn't know about his bad temper until he became angry, punched her over & over, bruising her inner organs. They divorced after just 2 years.
Another one of the women I knew, thought the man she was dating was such a catch until she found out, he was someone else's "catch". He had been married for 12 years, had 6 children. His wife told her that he had been cheating on her during their entire marriage.
Yet, another, who is a very Christian, kind & intelligent person, refused to have sexual relations outside of marriage. Her boyfriend proposed, thinking it was a green light for sex. She told him it wasn't.
One evening they were making out, she told him he had to stop, he kept going. He raped her. She was so ashamed that she was 4 months with child on their wedding day. No one knew until the baby was born 4 months "early". Full term.
After having my heart shattered, too many times, I told myself it was the last time I would allow it. Taking responsibility for my actions was key. A healthy attitude is to stop wondering why it keeps happening. Ask yourself why you keep allowing it. I stopped allowing it.
Instead, I allowed myself to adjust to being single & celibate. Life became so much happier, peaceful, richer, fuller after that.
Luck may have figured in somewhat, most of it was due to planning, making carefully considered decisions. Of course, I have made some truly bonehead, stupid decisions.
About 10% of my decisions, there were some!
When I hear the pride in some people's voices that they prefer to fly by the seat of their pants, prefer it all right now, prefer to avoid delayed gratification. Then, later on, the lament of the same people, who are facing serious problems as a result of snap decisions. A result of preferring to play it as it goes, despising any planning.
Luck does sometimes play a part, very rarely.
The most valuable resource a person has is their own mind. The thoughts, creative, outside the box thinking, mental toughness. These are some of the greatest, most powerful tools a person has.
Use your mind, be creative, decide carefully, plan.
You just might get lucky!
