Yoga Talk

This yoga mantra or in layman's terms, a thought or chant to hold inside your mind when going to a peaceful place or needing to go to a peaceful place among chaos.

I am

in my spirit

I am 

inside myself

In my spirit

water cannot wet me

wind cannot dry me

fire cannot burn me

enemies cannot harm me

My spirit is eternal

Not of this Earth 

but of he who created me

Curving around

again

yet again

I create my happiness

I comfort myself in misery

Curving around yet again

Back into myself 

In a spiritual merry go round

********************************

When I have been faced with difficulties, this is my mantra, in whole or in part. Combined with Yoga breathing, it works well to help me handle the storms of life.

For the past year, I have been working on improving my balance & posture. 

Standing on my left foot, placing the bottom of my right foot on the side of my knee with my right knee to the side. I raise my hands above my head, bring my palms flat together over my head, elbows out to the side.

I hold this for as long as I can with eyes closed or focused on a, umm, focal point. Yes.

I switch sides once my left leg starts to warm & burn a little.

Inside my head, I repeat my mantra.

Feeling my shoulders relax, feeling my abs as well as lower back work to stabilize, balance, relaxing into it.

Peace is inside me no matter what is outside of my body.

Peace & calm, strength & stability, serenity & happiness.

Peace to you, my love, as another year begins. 

Namaste

I Wonder if They Know

As I lay in my bed at night, ready to sleep, muscles twitching, sometimes aching, feeling tighter every day. 

Having worked so very hard to get back into the best physical condition, possible. I wonder how other people feel when they have accomplished something as difficult & time consuming as what I am still striving to do.

Yup, ha ha! This again!

Having worked from morbid obesity to where I am now, almost at my goal. People who have been strong, fit, healthy, then, hit a "hiccup" if you will, fallen into bad habits as I admit, I have. Spiraled up into an unhealthy weight, then felt so powerless, hopeless, to get back to being healthy as well as feeling their self confidence in wearing clothes that look better & feel better.

Then, one day, due to a life event or just tired of their condition.

Most doctors take full advantage of this misery. Instead of helping someone to lose the weight, get bayyyck into a regular exercise program, they prescribe meds out the wazoo!

That was an experience, which, I, also had.

The doctor was alarmed at my morbid obesity plus the family history of obesity. He wanted to prescribe medication for high cholesterol, high blood pressure, depression. He also wanted to test me for thyroid issues.

It was a definitive moment for me. Though, I took some time to take action, it was a turning point. 

Finally, I defied the multiple errand running for 4 children, a selfish spouse, laundry, dishes, house cleaning.

No one HAS the time to work out, one has to MAKE the time.

The time was made.

No one WANTS to go through the difficulty of getting healthy.

The time was here, I wanted it!

Prior blog entries describe my process, no need to be redundant.

In present day, aka December 28, 2016, the motivation, the constant effort. The sacrifice of a marriage to a verbally abusive spouse. The daily workouts. The change in eating habits. The self discipline. The clinging to friendships with those who were supportive, letting go of detractors.

It has all contributed to getting healthy again.

I see progress in new muscle development, I see my belly shrinking to more blissful flatness, every day. I see my favorite jeans becoming loose on me. I see my inner thighs becoming more firm & YES, my bootay is more lifted! Thank you Yoga Booty Workout!! Thank you, Sans Barre Workout! Thank you, regular squats! Thank you, you dastardly grueling cardio!

When people are surprised at my progress, at seeing the strides I'm making, I wonder if they realize the pain I put myself through?

Do they realize how much commitment & motivation I summon, just to keep going? 

Summoning commitment & motivation through times of depression, times of loneliness, times of having colds or flu or injuries?

Olympic athletes get where they are by persevering!

Hold on there, I am NOT an Olympic Athlete. However, I do push myself very hard. No matter what is going on or not going on in my life. I go to the gym most days. 

Fudging more on what I eat is something I still grapple with. I love ice cream, cheez its, fudge, cookies, candy, taco doritos, Taco Bell!

I give in far more than I should.

There's the confession!

In my home? In day to day? 90% healthy. Have to live a little!

Just a little.

When people tell me that I look really good, that it's obvious that I work out regularly. 

OMGoodness! They don't know. Or, maybe they do!

I don't always LOVE to work out. Only have to do it.

Learning to love foods that are more healthy for me, is something I wish I could convey to other people without sounding judgmental, condescending or too pushy.

Telling other people how I have MADE myself enjoy healthier food & drink choices, would come from a place of loving care, loving concern.

It would come from a place of wanting to share what worked for me.

What works for one person, obviously won't always work for another, or it might. Sharing that which has worked, is working for me, would be like having a big ol' Texas cookie, breaking it in half to share with someone else out of love for them as my friend.

Yeah, that!

My gym, Anytime Fitness is starting a barrage of classes, soon. One of them is "Body Pump", which intrigues me! 

I'm a little bit anxious, yet, it might be what I need to get my physical condition right where I want it.

At my goal!

Time will tell!

Stay tuned!

*smile*

Out of Town, Out of My Usual Surroundings

(We have covertly dressed Ms. Brenda in tight fitting jeans, a silky blouse & 5" heels. We have lightened her hair slightly to give her a bit of a glow. We have also had her do 30 squats daily for the last 2 months to give her booty a cute bit of enhanced roundness & lift. She is in Dallas for the day with her Texas BFF. She says she's feeling prettier than she has in a long time!

Let's see what happens when she is wearing something other than yoga pants & a T shirt)

A trip to Dallas, away from the limitation of a small town with NO Olive Garden, away from the same old - same old is a welcome change of pace. Day to day, I live in workout wear because, well, I work out a lot! Yoga pants, usually basic black, sometimes with a bit more color. Usually a grey T- shirt. Blah Blah Blah. Kinda bland. It's a welcome change to style it up a bit, when going to Dallas!

My USMC Veteran sister works 12 hour shifts, it's good to have company along on the 2 hour drive to the VA in Dallas. I'm her company! Lucky, me! We do have a good time, every time!

This time was particularly enjoyable! Hopefully, it was enjoyable for both of us!

For some reason, I felt especially good, that day. Usually, I feel rather unattractive, plain, etc. On December 23rd? I felt very beautiful!

Not only did I feel more attractive, the comments started as soon as my friend dropped me off in front so I could go into the VA Hospital.

I only rented the watermelon slushy & water!

A couple of Vet guys, looked to be around 32 - 38, complimented me, as I walked by. 

I had to tinkle so bad!

So, I smiled & graciously said, "Thank you." As  I walked into the large front entrance to the VA Hospital, people were turning their heads to look at me. I was smiling, happy, also happy that I made it to the ladies room to endow the Rolf bowl with what felt like was a gallon of mellow yellow! *smile*

Exiting the ladies room, more smiles, more looks, more compliments. If  being humble & kind made me more beautiful to others, that day, the feeling of simply being so happy to be out & about with a good friend who loves me & accepts me without judging me, it only added to my happy glow!

As she went through her appointment, I was sitting in a large, comfortable waiting area as I settled in to work on a needlework pattern, contributed further to a feeling of happiness. I was focused on my needlework. I was trying my best to appear blissfully unaware of the hot looking guy just 5 feet away, watching me. He looked to be around 28 - 38, Caucasian, light brown hair, light brown eyes, slender build
Mmm Hmm. Characteristics which appeal to me!!!
 He was trying to make eye contact, it seemed, to strike up a conversation. Although I was avoiding his gaze, it didn't deter him.

When the 2 people on either side of me were called in for their appointments & leaving 2 empty seats, I barely looked up, he made eye contact, smiled a nice, wide boyish smile which crinkled his eyes, slightly. He got up, politely asked, 

"Can I sit here? Next to you? Do you mind?"

Before I answered, he had sat down next to me. He was really, very appealing...smelled very clean! Having a very sensitive nose plus his closer proximity, umm, yeah. He told me he had been watching me, said he was really intrigued to see such a pretty girl who enjoyed doing needlework, didn't think anyone did such feminine things as sewing any more!

Funny!

We spoke with each other for 8 minutes. Just 8 minutes. In 8 minutes, he had told me his full name, where he was originally from, that. he was, indeed, in the age range I thought he was ~ perfect age!
He told me he was a US Army Veteran, at the VA Hospital for an appointment. He also asked me for my phone number & if he could call me, possibly take me out on a date in the future.

Yes, I was feeling very pretty that day!

So distracted by the beautiful needlework pattern as well as Prince Cutie-Pie, I didn't hear my phone when my GF texted me, telling me where she was, so we could meet up & head to Olive Garden!

I drove from the VA Hospital to OG and the fun with my BFF only continued! It was a really wonderful day. Good friend, good food, good times!

It's enchanting to imagine what can happen when one ventures out of their usual venue.

L8ers!

Please Remember Me

When we were so close that we could read each others mind
Never dreamed of one day leaving each other behind
Connection, collusion, spirit to spirit, heart to heart
Never believing that one day we would have to be apart
Fun times, great ideas we could have accomplished world peace
It was so unfathomed that our connection would cease
Story of my life to have such a deep connection
Being a deeper person has it's vexation
Loving others with acceptance with my whole heart
Makes for deep pain when they must depart
Barring any cataclysmic event with a friend
I will remember them even love them to my lifes' end
Keeping the memories in my heart and in my mind
Even when the dear ones must be or wish to be left behind
I will only have and hold those who wish to be kept
Their absence is felt deeply with many tears I have wept
Yes I'm a passionate person who loves with her whole heart
A rare one in this world who's often set apart
One request I offer you just one sincere plea
When you have a moment would you please remember me

I love you, I will always remember you.

What If

In this contemporary world of being busy, so very busy, just so busy, have we lost something precious? 

Have we gained such advancements in technology, weaponry, knowledge, efficiency? It seems, much of the world has.

It's as if much of the world is getting so advanced, or at least feeling as if. Possibly, being so far ahead that the reality is that the dearest parts are being forgotten. This calls to mind the phrase which I have seen ~

In the past, people used things & loved other people. In today's world, too often, people use other people while loving things, instead.

Technology is awesome-sauce to me. It's enjoyable, yet, it supercedes too much. Many people have their phone on them & often in their hand on ski slopes, running trails, even while having meals with family or friends. Instead of interacting with the one who was right there, with them, they won't leave their device alone. Sometimes I have caught myself giving in to that.

It's hard to sit with one person or a group of people, being ignored, left out of the loop. As they interact with whomever or whatever they find to be more interesting than the real, flesh & blood sitting right there with them. 

Everyone is missing out.

There are many aspects to this.

Another aspect is the training of children starting them as early as 18 months, being kept busy by movies, video games, hand held electronics. It may keep them occupied, yet, at the price of learning gsocial skills, making beautiful memories with families & friends. Brain development has been shown to be slowed, also delayed from over stimulation from artificial over stimulation.

Most people know this, even as they hand their toddler their phone to watch a video in lieu of a box of crayons & paper or even *gasp* an etch-a-sketch! Huh? WTH is that? Google it! Ha ha!

Yes, I own a smart TV, an. iPad, a laptop. However, it's a very fluid pleasure, for this girl, to put any one of them aside for the pleasure of the company of another person.

Pleasure is also derived by MOI from a simple, non computerized sewing machine, hand embroidering, playing fetch with the dogs of other people's. Even petting their cats!

Since I don't have pets of my own unless plants count, time spent with other people's pets is a treat!

What if, just for a time period of your choosing to exceed 1 day, you unplugged from technology in favor of really fostering relating to those people around you. Smile more, open more doors for people you don't know. Write actual pen & paper letters to those you know then, send it via pony express! lol

Just sayin.

See the difference it makes in you, in your world as well as others. It can have a ripple effect. It can possibly cause a few people to love other people while using things even if only briefly.

What if...... 

More

I'm more than I seem to the viewers eyes
More than most people realize
More than just a cute little face
With freckles and hair a bit out of place
A creative mind a heart of gold
Sweet and kind if truth be told
Being the best that I can be
So much more than you can see
Daydreamer, risk taker, rolled into one
So much mischief, so much fun
Deeply curious about everything
A great cook though I can't sing
Tons of stamina lots of energy too
I might even be too much for you
A poet, a passionate lover and writer
Baby, I'm a lover not a fighter

Yet, I will fight for whom & what I love

I LOVE MEN!

In defiance of the many negative experiences with those of the male gender, beginning when still in single age digits, I will still love men. Nearly everything that is male, speaks to me. Speaks to my feminine nature. Speaks in a tone that caresses the sensitive little hairs in my ear canals!

Love the sound of a guy's voice. In person is best. On the phone is second best. Any other way seems a bit too superficial, yet, sometimes has its benevolent purposes.

Love the scent of men's aftershave, shaving cream or cologne. Sometimes, l spritz a light mist of men's cologne on my pillow before going to bed, it does help me sleep a bit better. Also fosters some very interesting dreams! Shhhhh.

I have a candle which smells like a male scent. It smells like leather, slight hint of testosterone, even more slight hint of lavender. It's by Colonial Candle. The scent is simply ~ Leather. The wax is black.

I call it my "man candle". Burning it sparingly, so, my man candle will last longer, I enjoy the scent when I do get to indulge. A few times when I had, had it lit for 10 minutes, then extinguished it, a person who came to my home for a visit, would eye me curiously. The scent which hung in the air, resembled mens aftershave. It's olofactory essence made it seem as if a man had been in my home with me as recent as 5 minutes ago. The person would then ask if I was "seeing anyone"! Ummm, yeah, I can see you, right here, right now.

Heh heh.

Doing my fair amount of people watching, specifically, watching male people, is a fun time! The way they walk, the way they move, facial expression, whatever it is which makes them smile!

Love it! 

Love it!

Love it!                                                                                                                                             

He Wanted To Marry Me Too Quickly!

Be careful what you wish for, you might not get it - or you might!

At 6'1", around 180 lbs, blonde with expressive blue eyes, such a renaissance man! A good cook, a passionate musician, a real prankster with  a great sense of fun & adventure. His early life was fraught with tragedy, yet, he still maintained a radiant disposition!

He was definitely a CATCH if ever there was one!

He was also serving as a Missionary, when we met. This means, he was bound to forego dating, television, radio and swimming for 2 years.

In spite of that, he communicated to me that I was wife material to him. I took it as a joke. A mild statement. A barely perceptible flirtation. Flirting was a big fat NO-NO as an LDS Missionary.

I was active duty, United States Air Force, living in Hawai'i. I was also dating someone & it was becoming serious with him. I'm a faithful type of girl, so, even if he were free to date, I was not.

As the time drew near for him to leave Hawai'i, he obtained permission to get my mailing address so he could keep in touch. He left Hawai'i 1 month later.

His first letter arrived 1 week after he left to go back to Utah.

The relationship I was in, crumbled, leaving me devastatingly heart broken, so, I didn't write back.

Moving on to my next assignment, 4 months later, 10 of his letters caught up with me. Each one grew increasingly romantic, increasingly serious in nature! It was a bit frightening to me. 

I was only 20 years old !!!!!

Definitely not thinking about marriage at the time. I was focused on my USAF career, also, another hobby I picked up. I was excited about both!

I wrote back to him, gave him my new mailing address. I received 3 more letters within a week!

He was working full time plus attending college full time. It made me wonder where he found the time to write so many letters!

In his most recent letter, he wanted to fly me to Utah for a visit in person.

It was a bit tough to get military leave, yet, I got 5 days to visit him, the plane ticket arrived the next morning.

We were to have almost 5 days together. He arranged for me to stay with his 26 year old sister who had been a beauty queen, pageant winner since the age of six years!

Oh, boy! 

NOT

Also, the guy I had been dating when I met him had hurt me very badly, I was still hurt from him.

When I arrived, I was a bit dismayed at his appearance. He was very skinny, he was already slender when I had last seen him, he looked like he had lost 60 lbs, his hair was long, he had a mustache, beard. He looked gaunt, pale, exhausted.

He was less talkative than when he and I had last spoken, he also seemed very sullen, unhappy.

He was a far cry from the sunshiny golden boy I had met in Hawai'i!

Yeah, not the same.

He was still serious about me being wife material. The morning after I arrived, he came over to take me out for breakfast, then introduce me to other family members & his friends.

It was a lot to take in.

The next day, he took me to BYU, to a music room. He had written a song to me, he wanted to play it & sing it for me. This was a bit much. I was less serious about him than he was about me, yet, it was a very thoughtful, very sweet & romantic gesture.

GF ~ The song was overkill!

During the course of our time together, he began talking about marriage, how many children he wanted, what he wanted their names to be, then, asking me for my thoughts.

My thoughts?

I was only 20 years of age. I had my career, marriage was far from my mind.

Babies??????

I knew very little about sex. Even less about having babies other than it looked like a very painful process that didn't appeal to me at all !!!!

Trying to be a tactful as possible, I conveyed to him, my thoughts. 

He looked hurt, crestfallen, deflated, embarrassed.

He, then, told me that he was only joking, that I had gotten the wrong idea from him.

WOW

Needless to say, the rest of the visit was uncomfortable, awkward. He even had me take a cab to the airport when I left!

I cried, all the way on the flight back to California, then, in the car on the ride from LAX to Edwards AFB.

Why do I write about this today?

Recently, I saw his obituary online. He and I are the same age, so, it was rather daunting that he died from a stroke. He was a non-drinker, non smoker, an active athlete & musician up to the day he died from the complications of his stroke!

Even more daunting?

In his life sketch for his eulogy, there is a mention of me! it was somewhat unflattering.

I am mentioned as "the friend he met while serving as a missionary for the LDS church in Hawai'i."

The life sketch speaks of me as a disappointment he suffered at my hands and he did not date much nor did he marry until 10 years later.

Geez, it doesn't get any worse than dead.

Still, I feel very badly that he was so hurt and disappointed by me. It was only my intent to move more slowly, to have my career, to make a good life choice.

He was a wonderful husband, father, successful musician, even working with the band - Journey as well as working with Steve Perry!

It's good that he lived a fulfilling life. Makes me happy that such a wonderful person  as he was, found love, fulfillment & finally peace.

Daddy's Girl - Photos, too!

Poetry free day, peepsies! 

*awwwwww*

I know, riiight?

My father was Native American along with a bit of English ancestry, according to my mothers genealogy research. Honestly, I doubt the English ancestry.

In my DNA analysis, the results said my DNA is 52% NA.

He appeared to be more Native American than anything. His physical characteristics, his mannerisms, his vices. He had a 3rd grade education, didn't learn to read until he was well past 50. 

Daddy also could get any plant to grow better than anyone I have ever seen. His vegetable garden was huge & it fed our family of 6 children very well. He also planted a raspberry patch as well as 2 rows of strawberries that stretched for, I would guestimate, a full acre.

My mother loved strawberries & raspberries. He also planted a cherry tree because my mother loved to make cherry pies. Daddy loved to eat cherry pie! 

Daddy was a rather harsh man of very few words, yet, his words were often more harsh than anything. He smoked a lot, was an alcoholic for most of his life.

He used his leather belt liberally as a form of communication. I had exactly *ONE* conversation with him that went well, the rest ended in a beating that left welts & bruises.

There is a STARK difference between a spanking vs a beating.

People who I have told these things to, marvel that I turned out sane & mentally tough after a childhood such as this.

Entering into military service, the assaults & sexual harassment were such an undoing of that mental toughness, I, myself, sometimes wonder how I have kept my sanity. Turning to fitness, healthy life practices, expressing love and kindness at every opportunity.

Being better instead of bitter is healthier.

For whatever reasons he had, when my daddy passed on in 2002, he cut me out of receiving anything of the money he had left which was quite substantial. It was only the graciousness of my 4 remaining siblings (1 sister was deceased in 2000) to split the money equally between 5 of us, that I received anything.

Ex huzz proved that he is a deceiver and a liar once again. I gave him half of the money from my fathers estate on his vow that he would split the money from his parents estate when they passed on. He never honored that promise.

No shock. He is a liar and practices deceitful financial practices. Partly his Filipino culture, partly his bad character.

So, I poured the money I received into the house he and I bought. He walked away from that house, after getting his share, breaking his promise, leaving me with nothing. 

No shock!

My maternal Grandfather told me that a person who is untruthful about money is also dishonest about everything. Wise words, Grandpa. 

When my father passed on, approximately 7 years after my mother, my eldest brother wanted me there, he paid for my round trip air fare from Colorado to Michigan & back. After the viewing & funeral service, for daddy, we all went back to the family home. 

My brother, who has a heart of gold, had all of us go through the house, take whatever items we wanted, as he was donating the rest to charity, the charity organization was going to come in & clear everything out within the next few days.

It was the place where we had lived as a family from the time I was 4 years of age until I left, at 18, to serve my country. Mom, Dad, my 2 sisters, 3 brothers.......and me.

I went into the room that had been my parents bedroom. What I saw shocked me. There on the nightstand that had been at my daddy's bedside, was a gold pocket watch I had given him, as a gift, when I went back to Michigan from my first duty station in Hawai'i. Propped up behind the pocket watch was a photo, free standing, no frame. My brother told me that it was his favorite photo of me.

It made me wonder, did he lay in bed and curse at me, looking at the photo? Did it torment him in the torment of a father missing his daughter? Did he simply, just, like the photo!!

I will never know.

From the house where I had lived my childhood, I took the pocket watch and his favorite photo of me.

How to Find Anything

When you lose something in your ___________

(fill in blank with whatever)

car

house

yard

room

desk

Have you lost something such as keys? documents? jewelry? meds?

shoes? favorite shirt?

When losing said item did you turn to your mom? wife? shack up gf? aunt? grandmother? female roomie?

to see if they could help you find it?

Most often they could find it for you or at least assist you in finding it. 

There's a sneaky little anatomical trick that these amazing finders of stuff, have, that not everyone has.

It's called a yoo-terr-us. AKA a finding organ!

Not just a finding organ, it usually works the best when it's a finding organ which has birthed a child or two.

This is also known as a proven, functioning finding organ.

Have you ever wondered how these magnificent creatures can find just about anything you have been looking for, yet, could not find?

Mystery, solved.

You're welcome.

Now, stop laughing & get back to work!

Falling In Love

My aunt, who has a wonderful Appalachian style sense of humor, once said to me:

"People don't fall in love, they fall in horse shit. Most don't know the difference."

Have you ever felt that feeling? The feeling of beginning to care deeply for someone? It's made up of so many emotions.

Part fear

Part bliss

Part, "I don't know what this is!"

Part pleasure

Part pain

Part, "Oh, no! Here we go again!"

Part insomnia

Part energized

Part, "All of my dreams realized!"

Part heaven

Part hell

Part, "It was good, but, oh well."

Part sadness

Part shame

Part, "I'll never be the same again."

Part why

Part crying

Part, "I'm done with even trying"

Part recovery

Part new cat

Part, "Oh, wow, who is that?"

Have you felt this? Most likely, yes. If not, well, sux to be you. When you're admitting, the most likely answer is, yes, at least once.

Then, there's also.

"Do not fall in love with people like me! 

I will take you to museums, 

and parks 

and monuments.

I will kiss you in every beautiful 

place so that you can never

go back to them 

without tasting me 

like blood in your mouth.

I will destroy you in the most 

beautiful way possible.

And when I leave

you will finally understand

why storms are named after people."

Author Unknown

Personally, when I love someone, barring some catastrophic event, I will always love them. Loving with passion, with an open heart, with my whole heart, is how I love. 

The pain of being hurt is equally strong.

A searing, devastating pain which takes a long long time to work through.

Still, a small amount of it lingers forever, long after the initial emotional hurt. 

Better to smile more often, sing, when alone! 
(I should only sing solo, so low no one can hear me)
(Or sing tenor, ten or twelve miles from the nearest life form!)

Healthier to work out harder when I start to feel the pull of attraction to someone. I walk away with a hotter bod, more calm mind & a heart full of happiness!

Loving yourself is the best love, the safest love, the most rewarding love of all.

Loving others?

Tread lightly, exercise caution!

New Beginnings

The year has flown by, coming to a closing

It's infancy fled with such speed

None of us knows what tomorrow brings

A success or a daunting impede

So, be sure to do those things which you ought

Minimize that which brings gloom

Plan to weave a better year next year

In pleasing patterns of your life's loom

Decide on this day to show more kindness

In the coming times of next year

Gladden a heart or mend a quarrel 

Endeavor to wipe away a tear

Are you ready to go forth with courage?

Are you ready to find your rainbow?

Are you ready to show others your love for them?

Ready? Set? GO!

100! Yup! Ha ha! Happy Feet!

It's quite a temptation when bringing the iPad to the gym. Free wi fi is cool.

It's also a distraction!

Enter:

Delayed gratification 

Enter:

Work & reward

Before leaving home for the gym this morning, the body told the brain, it wanted squats. The body is the boss! Doing as many deep squats while holding a 20 lb weight, I counted 70.

Ouch!

While in my morning Yoga practice, the body said, "Can you do 30 more squats?"

The brain replied, "Challenge accepted!"

The party was today, the pain will set in a dimain!

So, while still in pain, cardio will be on the stair master tomorrow!

A bit of a reward for the boo-tay torture (a nice ass is worth it), my reward is a bit of guilt free Pinterest browsing!

It has been earned!

A good sweat sesh?

Yes, please!

Pinterest browsing?

TYVM

L8erz

For the love of him?

Having received exactly 22 messages from guys who believed that my poem from my December 6, blog post was about him. It feels necessary to let every guy who thinks it's about him, know.

It was inspired by a fictional character in an audio-book I have been listening to.

Untwist your boxers, get a grip, calm down. If you think the poem was about you, it wasn't, unless you're a character in a suspense filled audio book. Then, you wouldn't exist, so, it would all be copacetic.

Take a moment, breathe!

It's a bit amusing to me that so many guys identified so closely with my poem that they became incensed. They were angered enough to send some very unkind messages to me!

It's also, a bit disconcerting that there are 22 guys who have made it known that they see themselves as described in my poem!

Touch a nerve, push a button, this is what happens!

Sincerely, I apologize for the angst my poem caused you. If it did.
It was simply creative, artistic expression.

Have a good day, dear readers.

How do you see?

Perception can be everything.

Duh.

Perception can also be tainted by as many factors as there are perceptions. 

For me?

It can be a bit confusing. As a sincere person, I used to believe the best in others, that they were as sincere as I was & still am. That was back when I was a married wifey & mother, living in a protective bubble. 

The realization of this only came to be when I divorced, left the safe bubble I lived in.

As a single girl, I learned that people are less sincere, less honest, less truthful, less benevolent than I had believed. Having heard the phrase:

"There are plenty of fish in the sea."

My response to that is, 

"Umm, yeah, most are barracudas & piranhas!"

I had no foggy clue that guys were so dishonest, so untruthful.

Honesty pertains to emotions.

(such as whether they care or not)

Truthful pertains to facts.

(such as today's date, their real name, their legal relationship status)

Am sure that there are girls who are this way, too, yet, I only dated guys, so, I can only speak my truth about what I learned from those experiences.

I digress.

I saw myself, certainly slimmer than I actually was. I saw myself as that girl who has the qualities all guys say they wish to find in a prospective girlfriend, future wife.

In reality?

When I look at photos from 2012, I'm appalled at what I see! 

Hey, I work very hard at the gym, sculpting my body into a more lean, more toned, more athletic.

I have CERTAINLY made progress!!! People at the gym often give me feedback when they notice my progress. The encouragement is so very appreciated! As I gain muscle, lower my BMI, my legs become more slender, my waist is more hour-glassy (lol), my arms have more muscle, my abs are more toned with more definition.

Then......

I see a photo from 4 years ago or 3 years ago and I cringe!

It makes me feel so deflated, so ashamed, wondering, how I could have had such an inaccurate perception of myself!

Of course, I feel good about my progress, yet, the photos just

HURT!

Everyone needs encouragement. Not Pres Elect Trump! Yet, speaking for myself, I know I need encouragement. 

Another phrase I heard eons ago ~

If you could see who you really are, put aside how the world perceives you, see yourself as you truly are, you might rise up & live closer to your true potential.

This phrase has ingrained itself into my heart, into my character.

Caveat.

Trust, yet, verify. 

With a person, such as myself, who wants to believe the best in others, it's important to also believe that others often have their own selfish agenda.

Seeing others not as the world sees them, yet, who they truly are can be a dangerous frame of mind. When coupled with a trust yet verify caveat, it can be a better way of interacting with others.

The words in a Doug Stone song hit home with me. 

Doug Stone - A Different Light.

Look it up! It's beautiful!

It sums up the way I see other people. Seeing their heart, their spirit, who they truly are. 

It's a beautiful way to experience the worlds people. 

****************************************************************************

For The Love of Him

So far out of reach

So far out of touch

His emotional breach

Missing out on so much

A misguided soul

A misspent life

Trying to feel whole

With girlfriends and a wife

Never caring or even knowing

The reasons he does all he does

On his face the strain is showing

He's a different man than he was

The hardened look in his eyes

Deep furrows on his face

Speaks of bitter tears he cries

Pain that whiskey can't erase

Life goes on for him each day

He doesn't know I love him, still

Remembering him each time I pray

Knowing that I always will.....

Underestimated, Misunderstood

If you're thinking this may be a pity party for one, shared with every reader......nope. It ain't that!

It's come to a bit of discovery for me, that many people tend to let their own egos & insecurities cloud their perception of situations & other people.
This is pure ignorance personified.

Maybe even a bit-o-bliss?

So, yeah, I may be speaking of a bit of personal experience. Having noticed this in other people as being falsely judged as well, it's unfortunate that it's more common than I once thought.

Cases in point:

My dear, dear friend, Janice, is way more than she appears on the surface. She has a beautiful cherubic face, looks very French. She is one of the most kind people I have ever met. She is also very smart, witty, analytical. She's also very open minded, yet, not in a Liberal Agenda way. Open minded, yet, her brains aren't falling out because of this.

My equally dear friend, Anita!
Girrrrllllll!
She is a one of a kind. Emphasis on the word "kind". She is so very compassionate, yet, NEVER mistake it for unintelligent or weak. She is so smart, served in the USMC, analytical, great curiosity, she constantly amazes me with her ideas & abilites.

Good things tend to happen in 3's!
(Am somewhat skeptical of this, yet, whatever's clever!)

People tend to underestimate me a lot. Specifically, today!

Natural tech skills make it easier for me to problem solve internet, web site & issues with computers. Alas, formal, academic training has eluded me. 
Getting my skills, knowledge & experience has all been OJT.

Having designed web sites, solved tech issues, having an easy time figuring new tech devices, elimination of virus infection ~ cake!
Because of the absence of academic training or certificates, people underestimate what I'm capable of. 
Today, at the library, I can tell that their virus protection is woefully inadequate. The library manager might have a college degree, yet, she seems to be tech knowledge poor.
I tried to explain to her what is happening with her weak, out of date, virus protection.
She took a look at me:

Tight black Yoga pants
Cute pink, fitted T Shirt
Teal green zip up hoodie
Non-designer black gym shoes

Probably has the opinion that I'm too lacking in knowledge to know anything. Probably also opines that because I'm obviously over 21, I am without tech savvy.

ZZZZTTT

Wrong.

So, yeah, I gots skills, dammit!

Owing to rich life experience, I have so many skills that many people have no clue that I have.
This is far from  bragging, it's factual. Listing those skills would sound narcissistic!
I DO have amazing tech skills, though! 

It's my wish that more people will stop with age discrimination.
It's my wish that more people will put aside their pre-conceived notions of others when their own ego & low self esteem cloud their perception.

It's my wish to have a pleasant evening with a friend, dinner & a movie!
Yasssss!

PHOTO OP!!!!!!

I just went to a restaurant with the most fantastic food! I didn't take 10 or so photos of it, so, how can I prove I really was there? How can I show that I actually ordered then ate it! It's not that I have to prove it, yet, people are going to want photos, might even ask to see photos.

Here, let me regurge for you, just a minute, wait for it, wait for it.....

It's been raining a lot in North Texas. Did I take even one photo to prove it? Umm, nope. So, therefore, it must be untrue.

I work out at the gym nearly every day. I'm working & sweating so much, stopping to duck face for a pic is far from my mind! So, I must be lying about my workouts, must be a poser. Riiiiiight?

I suppose you get the drift, by now.

Selfie, camera happy, photo nazi-ism mania has escaped me or have I escaped it? Maybe, except, even if I'm unselfie, there are many people who get out their phones to capture the moment. AKA ~ my cue to RUN!!!!! Duck! Roll & take cover! INCOMING!

There are a few reasons that I can think of as to why I'm so adverse to having photos taken of me. 

1. During my free-lance modeling days, it was almost painful. Holding uncomfortable poses for 1 - 5 minutes, only barely turning, ever so slightly as the photographer clicked away. Often, I would be sore for a week after a shoot from having to hold an uncomfortable pose over & over. 

The money was decent, just like beer, sex & pizza. 

It wasn't much but it was money!

2. During the time I lived in Colorado Springs, I had 3 stalkers. Then, in Texas, I had 2 more! Single girl, short & cute, lives alone.

Perfect target!

Putting a bunch of pictures of myself out there increases chances for a past stalker to find me again or a new one. It's scary!

I can defend myself, I won't call 911, no one will save the perp!

3. People SAY they will respect my wishes by refraining from plastering photos of me clearly visible, all over social media. 

Yeah, sure. 

Would you like to buy some ocean front property in Colorado?

For these reasons, I rarely post many photos of myself, also thwart the efforts of others to take a pic of me. Many people outright insist and boooooooooyyyyyyyy do I hate it. Sometimes, there is no getting out of it, so, I acquiesce.

The few times I caved in & allowed it, mostly, I regretted it. A few times, it was okay, not great but kinda ~ meh ~.

Photography could be a strong suite for me, however, it's doubtful that it will feel compulsory for me, to photograph food before eating it, every family get together, friends get together. There will be zero bikini shots every time I develop a new muscle.

When I go skiing, I will most likely forget all about taking photos as I will be busy enjoying the moments!

When I go on a vacation to a tropical location. O yeah, baby! 

I will be rocking that new bikini with the body I have worked so hard for!

There might be pics, not sure, might surprise ya!

Am usually quite good at pulling a 360 when I feel like it!

For now, words are sufficient, photos are rare. Not secret, however, I am more of a private person, I value my privacy very much.

Conservative?

Maybe

Maybe I'm a lady in the streets & a freak in the gym!

It's December, winter (ugh) is upon us. Stay warm!

L8erz!

Why? Why Ask Why?

Again, last night, I was asked why it is that a "girl like you" is still single!
I keep getting this question asked of me. 
I would love to give the truthful reason, yet, if a person doesn't know me very well, it could be misconstrued.
I'm a very genuine person. It's almost 100% of the time that I have benevolent intent toward others. Far from being perfect or even close! I try to be a good person.

Many times I have been told that I'm a very unique & different sort of person. My firstborn daughter tells me that I am multi-faceted, that people don't know how to take that.
So, I am very different from most people. Very different from most girls out there. 
It could be because I have high hormones? I have high estrogen levels, even higher testosterone!
Very energetic, always, very mentally & physically active!
Having a very active, sharp creative mind combined with a burning curiosity about everything. Yeah-yeah ~ It's said that curiosity killed the cat. 
WELL!
I'm not a pussy!

If I were to give the most truthful answer as to why I'm single without being misinterpreted as being a feminazi, it would be this;

There is a very particular type of guy who I'm attracted to, enough to want to spend time with him. I will confess, if you haven't picked up on this. I am past the age of 40, though many people think I'm in my 30s. (working out makes a person look more youthful!
Thank you Anytime Fitness!
In my lifetime, thus far, I have only known 4 guys who are that specific type that attracts me. 
If I happen to meet another guy who has these attributes, there would be a stronger chance for him to hold my interest.

The characteristics?

I know what they are, it's a short list which is not a list at all. He doesn't have to be perfect, he only has to be perfect for me. 

Being a flawed girl, myself, it would be wrong to expect perfection from anyone else simply to be let into my life.

So, there it is!

Maybe, I should have little business size cards printed that tell people why I'm single. Sounds a bit narcissistic, so, I will refrain!

I DO become weary of being asked this question in its various forms.

Having decided to be happy many years ago, I'm happy being single with all the freedom it provides. Single people are, often, painted as being defective because they don't have a wife or a husband. The image, often painted of a sad, old, lonely, person just pining away for a girlfriend or boyfriend might apply to some single people.
It definitely is far from being that way for me. When I decided to be happy come what may, it was a conscious decision which I stick to. 
Happy 99% of the time!
Finding the silver lining in most situations.
Accepting every little happy event to add to being happy!
Serotonin uptake rawks!

Long explain to a simple question! 

Now, where are those business cards?

Inspiration ~ Giving & Taking!

What does inspiration mean to you? What comes to mind when you think of it? 
C'mon, now, gimme whatchu got!

Taking inspiration seems a bit easier than giving inspiration. When taking inspiration, it's often unknown by its source. When giving inspiration, it's unknown how it will be perceived or received.

Giving inspiration, without sounding like a know-it-all takes introspection, practice, introspection, then MORE practice! It puts the giver of inspiration in a vulnerable state of mind when it's done in person, face to face.
Remember face to face?
As in 2 or more people actually physically in each others presence at the same time!
Remember that??

This morning, when going in for my morning workout, going into the group exercise room, there was a girl in there. I could tell from the defeated look on her face, the slump of her shoulders that she was struggling.
The gym can be an intimidating place. It can be even more intimidating when a person is just starting their fitness journey. When layers of body fat have piled on, energy level is low, unhealthy eating habits have been ingrained.

This girl said she felt lost, discouraged, had no clue where to start, everything seemed too hard.

Truly, I felt her pain!

In 2004, I WAS her! or at least very similar.

The compassion reflex which is a large part of who I am, kicked in at that moment.

When I was tired of being the fat girl, I had very little encouragement. People were all about telling me to get the fat girl surgery - aka - stomach stapling, gastric by-pass, the sleeve!
The doctor I went to only wanted to put me on this med, that med, YAY FOR BIG PHARMA!
Cha ching!

Umm, NOPE!

I had never set foot in a gym to work out until 2004. I was going to do this!
Very low self esteem
Very little encouragement
Clueless as to how to do it
Sabotage from those who should have been more encouraging
Body shaming from people who were supposed to love me

My dear friend, Janice, was an inspiration. She had 5 babies, I had 4, yet, she had done it. She inspired me, gave me information, ideas, encouragement. She is still a wealth of ideas!
Love you, girrrl!

This morning, the pained look on the girls face told me everything.

For all the years, all the struggles, all the research I did to be able to lose the weight, I wanted to share, yet, do it while not sounding like a know it all.

I told her how my knees ached, my back ached, my feet ached and I was just plain tired & discouraged, when I started. 
Yet, I knew that I had to start from where I was.

I told her that if all she did was walk on the treadmill for however long she had, to do it. Go fast or go slow, JUST GO! I shared with her some knowledge that had helped me. 
It seemed to make her feel better!

I saw her facial expression change from discouraged, to encouraged. I told her that half of the struggle with getting into healthy shape is in her eating habits. I told her that I stick to lean, natural protein & raw veggies more than anything.
I shared with her the bold move that I made, when I took everything out of my pantry, cupboards, refrigerator & freezer that was unhealthy.
I took the foods, snacks, candy, etc & gave to a food bank, gave to friends who wanted it or just tossed it in the trash on trash day!

One of the bennies of being single & living alone is that I can control just what comes into my home, as far as food is concerned!

I shared with her how I had gauged my progress.

It's my hope that she continues what she's doing to get to a healthier physical condition.

If I helped her, even in a small way, that makes me so HAPPY!

Random acts of kindness, known or unknown, my friends, it's a joy in life!

DO IT!

GO!