The Difference a Day Makes

On Monday, I was just feeling crappy.

Did it to myself, so, only myself to blame.

In normal, day to day, I eat quite healthy. As natural as possible. Raw vegetables, lean natural protein. On Friday, I went out for dinner with, what I call, a "free food guy". As in, he wanted to spend time with me, I knew he just wanted to get laid or a BJ, I made it clear to him, it wouldn't happen. He tried anyway, paid for my dinner, I left after saying thank you, he left without what he thought he was going to get. Awww, poor bebe.

On Saturday evening I went to a get together with the singles group & ate badly. Chocolate cake, cheez it crackers, doritos. Bad, bad, bad for my body. I knew I would pay for it, later. Yet, this is such an awesome group of people, I let myself relax my vigilant eating habits.


On Sunday there was a fish fry at church after sunday school. Oh, boy! Fried food, beans with bacon, sugary cole slaw. YUMMM! Since moving to Texas in 2012, I find that NOWHERE makes beans & BBQ as good as the beans & BBQ I have had in Texas!
Also, double chocolate brownies with pecans. Yup. Ha, ha. Bad.

By Monday? My body was beating me up for indulging. Sore stomach. Brain fog. Sluggish feeling. Low energy. UGH! I was paying for eating badly. Amazing, I didn't gain any weight, I actually lost 8 lbs. How does that happen?

So, on Monday, I was supposed to go to a few events, yet, felt so awful I just laid around. No Bueno. Oh, I worked out every day, yet, my hands & feet were swelled from all the salt, I had what I call "salt pockets" like bags under my eyes.
Too much salt. Too much sugar. Not enough nutrition.
On Monday, Mr. Free Food from the previous Friday asked me to go out again. Nope. The first time you're a victim, the second time, you're a volunteer. Being unwilling to be demeaned is healthy.
Having someone try to pressure me into something I make it clear that I don't want is so annoying!!! Wasn't going to go for round 2.

So, I encountered a very cool guy online, he seemed decent, so we took it to personal phones.
He was interesting, smart, a little sarcastic. Love it!
We really connected on a few different levels. I rarely allow that in present day.
Most guys are all about their dick, not much else.
So disappointing.
A guy talking to me as a person is refreshing. Speaking intelligently, openly, truthfully. A guy who is truly single, truthful, funny, interesting to talk to. Unfortunately, he is very rare.
Talking with him gave my day a bit of happy. I left my number blocked until I felt he was for real. He is, so far, so very real. Confident, which is very attractive. Such a great sense of humor!!!

Amazing.

Talking with him again, tonight.

WOW! The phone is ringing........it's him!

GTG!

The She Beast

It's common knowledge that I love my workouts. I was made even more aware of it, yesterday. It's almost 3 am on Sunday, May 29.
Spending time with the singles group is just good clean fun. So, as it so often happens, I probably will go to sleep Sunday night, yet, most likely, not tonight. I need very little sleep, usually have to force myself into bed. I have to go to the gym at around 6 am to get the workout I need. It's worth it to me.
The singles group is a group of really good people.

Saturday morning I woke with a strong craving for avocado. Sometimes I crave blueberries, sometimes papaya or red bell pepper. This morning? AVOCADO! Being very in tune with my body, it tells me what it wants, it's my job to deliver. So, going to the grocery store in town, there was a new guy working in the store. As I walked around the produce section looking at the new goodies they got in, he kept looking over at me, smiling, waving..........and blushing. So adorable.

Yeah, not the first time. Younger guys like me. I like them, too.

I went to the opposite side of the produce section from him, wanting him to stay comfortable, undistracted. He walked up to me, asking if he could help me. He smelled so clean. Yeahhhhhh.
Must have been around 18.
I turned to ask him if he could pick out an avocado for me. He blushed bright red. OMGoodness, what was he thinking? I would really like to have known. Or, maybe not. *smile*
I took the second one he chose, wanting him to be comfortable.

Walking to the check out, I didn't know he was walking behind me. As I was leaving, he asked me ~
"You work out a lot, don't you"?
I told him, yes, I enjoy it.
"Yes, I can tell, people say you're a beast in the gym!" Hey, it's a very small town and people talk a lot about other people here!
I smiled at him, told him to have a blest day!

Walking into the gym, I went right into cardio on the elliptical. I listen to some pretty nasty, sexual music when I'm working out. Being a conservative girl, this might shock other people, yet, I do what works. Listening to dirty songs makes me feel good, it energizes me, makes me laugh. People think I'm just enjoying working out. Well, yes. Yes, definitely enjoying it!

Coming off cardio, there was a guy who is in the gym a lot, had never spoken with him.
He was smiling, I know I was drenched and a hot lil mess. That's when he said,
"What the hell do you listen to that makes you smile & laugh so much?"
I'm a smart ass, so I told him.
"Oh, mostly church music I get off on knowing Jesus loves me"
He stopped a second, smiled.
"Ya know, I don't believe ya, you're a regular she beast!"

I smiled, headed toward the back of the gym, had some new moves I wanted to try out in my yoga practice. I could see him, in the mirror, watching me a few times during yoga. Maybe it was the new outfit. Bright pink sport bra, tight black yoga pants with matching bright pink stripe on the sides ........
and my big smile!!!!

I was using the foam cylinder roller. Going into downward facing dog starting with my toes perched up on the foam roller. Then keeping my hands planted on the mat, using my bare feet to roll the foam cylinder in toward my hands, then rolling it back into plank, hold for 2 breaths, roll it back to hands, 2 breaths, back out to plank.
After doing this for 25 repetitions, I know my abs will be killing me for a couple days. Yet, I DID IT!!!!!
Seeing my obliques show, I know my abs are benefitting.
There was a sweetie, HS girl, watching me. She asked me if I work out every day.
"Yep, just about every day."
She smiled.
"I see you in here, you're amazing."

Wow! ME? Really? Wow, that blew me away.

I smiled, "Thank you sweetie!
"Yeah, you're a regular beast in here, all the time!"
I laughed.

Even though I've been working at this for 11 years, I still need encouragement. Still feel so humbled that people feel encouraged by my efforts. It's  out of a need to prove to myself that all the body shaming from Mr.2012, by my own daughter, the body shaming by others said more about them than me.

If I can help someone else who is struggling. If I can encourage another person. If I can be a good example, then that makes me happy.

Better to be a good example than to be a horrible warning!

I was so glad I got that workout. I had a 4 am Monday deadline for some document translation, so, I got it done so I could relax with the singles group, relax on Sunday and go to the lunch after church.

Ya know what?

I'm broke.

I'm poor.

I'm happy!!!!

The Feeling is Here

It's one of those days when your heads in a haze of blissful being. It turns to one of those nights when you turn out the lights and you say to yourself, I feel good.
Oh, nothing special has happened in my day to make me feel this way yet, I feel it. Warmer weather is here & when I look in my mirror, I like what I see just a little more.
Almost where I want to be.
My heart is feeling so light that when I lay down at night I feel content. Sleep still teases still is hard to achieve yet soon I'll move forward to leave that behind

I'm not a night owl.

I'm a lady hawk.
A she wolf.
A lioness.

They fly solo, too! Are content to live their days with only brief social interaction. Recently I read that people who are more intelligent tend to spend more time alone, working on intellectual or creative or scientific discovery.

Well

That would be me.

When my spirit has moved on, leaving my body behind, anyone who comes in to clear out my personal effects, will find my home neatly organized. Having disposed of possessions in a myriad of ways, it will be an easy task. Having only kept what brings me joy, ala the Konmari Method by Marie Kondo, it freed me from that which doesn't matter even further than when I moved to Texas.

Clutter can steal a persons energy, the weight of too much stuff is almost palpable.

As I rid myself further of items that stopped bringing joy, I feel free.

So, here is the magic part!

The less stuff I have, the less I am weighted down.

Perhaps I am going to be freed from my body, soon?
Perchance to dream in spirit.
Perchance to die in body.

I'm ready, unafraid of the death of my body.

My children have their own lives, they don't need me any longer.

Having a loving, close relationship with my youngest, my Victoria, gives me great joy. The other 3 barely communicate, so, they are not much of a part of my life, I am not a part of theirs. That's just how it is. Neither good nor evil, it's simply a fact. My death would not matter to them. Mothers Days go by, Christmases go by, rarely even a card.
Fathers teach their children how to treat their mother by the way he treats her. Ex huzz taught my children that I am not to be respected, that I am of very little value by the way he devalued & disrespected me.
It's cause & effect. No excuse from adult offspring, only reasons.

So, this is why I feel that leaving this earth would be fine. Would rather leave while I'm still young, vibrant, beautiful. Remembered as I am, today, unravaged by time or illness. My hair is longer & healthier than it has ever been, no lines on my face, my skin is glowing with health. I'm in better athletic condition than I was 25 years ago!
Remembered for the beautiful needlework, the tidy, organized home, for a positive outlook when there are more reasons to be sad than there are to be happy. Choosing to smile inside and out.
I have made mistakes in my life, yet, I have also been more kind than anything.
Starting with being kind to myself in letting others know that when they treat me badly, I can be a force to be reckoned with.
Mostly, I would choose to be kind.
Evil will prosper when good people do nothing. For this reason, I will most definitely fight back when others seek to do me harm.
Again, I would rather be kind.

Today, a feeling of wistful sweetness pervades my mind.

It would be a good day to die.

What is it!

Some of you might be kinda curious.

If you are, this is for you!

Yup, it's a fitness post.

I usually do 20 - 40 minutes of cardio before, then 20 - 40 of weights or strength training after.

In my Yoga Booty class, if you want to follow along, this is what it be like. Grab a Yoga mat or a towel. I usually wear a Nike sports bra, Yoga pants & whatever clean T-Shirt I grab, to the gym. Might help to take your shirt off, remove shoes & socks, too.
This is just a part of why I keep my feet pretty.

*******************Let's GO!*****************

Childs Pose:

Come to the back of your mat, on hands & knees. Get into a kneeling position. Bring big toes to touch each other, now walk your hands out in front of you as far as they will go, with your head down. Breathe in then out 5 times through the nose. On your 5th breath, come up to hands & knees.

Cat-Cows

On your hands & knees, inhale, pulling abs in, raise your head up, pull shoulder blades together, arch so your booty is up in the air.

Exhale, rounding your spine, dropping head low, tucking tail bone down toward the mat.

Repeat, 5 times of each.

Come to a neutral position on hands & knees.

Lift your hips in an upside down V into downward facing dog. Inhale. Lift your right leg high, exhale, bring it down to the mat. Inhale, lift left leg high, exhale, bring it back down to the mat.

Inhale, step forward to your hands. Exhale, rise up, hands to the sky! Reach high. Arch backward, slowly. Feel so sexy doing this! It gives me a view in the mirror of the progress I've made on abs & obliques in the past 8 months of working them hard, eating clean.

Inhale, fold forward, exhale, half lift. Inhale, fold forward. Exhale, rise up into chair pose.
Chair pose :
Feet & knees together, bend at the knees as if sitting, tucking tail bone under. Raise hands in the air, palms facing each other, chest lifted.

Bring palms together, at chest, fold forward. Repeat this once.

Go back into chair. Inhale, step right foot back in a lunge, then, slowly move toward a 90 degree bend in left knee. Bring right foot forward, repeat by stepping the left foot back, 90 degree bend in right knee. Come back to chair, 2 breaths, fold forward. Half lift.

Plant your hands, step back to high plank. Hold for 4 breaths.

Raise hips into down dog position.4 breaths feel that stretch!!

Raise right leg straight up, as you inhale, bring right knee into right elbow. Move with your breath. Repeat 14 times.
Switch sides, 14 times on left.

Feel that burn, baby!

In down dog, lower, moving forward into high plank. Lower all the way down, go into upward facing dog, raise hips to down dog. Shift forward into high plank.

Rise up into chair, turn to face forward. Step to a wide stance, knees pointed outward into a wide sumo squat. Hold. Breathe. If you want to have a little fun, raise the heels of your feet for 2 breaths. Set heels down. Repeat once. Stand up into a wide stance. Turn toes a little inward. Clasp hands behind your back. Bend over at the waist, 4 breaths. Release hands. Go into warrior 2. Reverse warrior. Move hands down to the mat in high plank.

We're gonna raise the roof with right leg flexed, right foot flexed for 4 counts. 1 - 2 - 3 - 4!
Switch to the left.
Now the right.
Now the left.
Now the right.
Now the left.

Lower down to the mat. Hands down at your sides.
Inhale.
Lift chest and knees & toes as high off the mat as you can.
Hold for 6 breaths.

Press back into childs pose for 6 breaths.

Lift up into high plank.

Lower down to the mat. Up dog. 2 breaths, step feet forward to the hands. Sit down on the mat. knees up, feet on the mat. Arms forward, slowly roll down to laying on your back. Bring the heels of your feet as close to your booty as you can. Raise your hips up, keeping your belly in a "navel to spine" drawn in. Slide your shoulder blades under, clasping your hands under your back.
Unclasp hands, lower down.
Repeat 3 times.
Release everything so that you're laying flat on the mat.
Draw knees to your chest, hug them in tight, rock side to side. Rock side to side 8 times, this releases your lower back.

Come up into a sitting position, legs crossed in front, knees out.

YOU DID IT!!!!!!


I go through this work out once to twice every day. Sometimes 3 times if it's needed. My boo-tay benefits from it!

Hope you enjoyed!!!!

Confession

               As hard as it was to admit at the time, I know I was in love with you, I know I loved you then, I know I will always love you. I know you loved me. You spoke the words, you backed them up with actions. Will always remember fondly, kindly, wistfully, it makes me happy to feel these all too strong associations with a time in my life that was still quite innocent. Still had a trusting heart, perhaps a bit too trusting, yet, it was, it is no more. This is a comfort.

In the early morning light, I'm stirring in my warm satin sheets, still feeling the sweetness of a beautiful dream of me, of you. You don't know this, you won't read this, so, this is a safe place to let it out.

Before you, I felt unattractive, unwanted, a bit hopeless, lost. When you entered my life, I felt more alive than I had felt in many years.
The feelings of hope, of love, of a warm deep sensuality that I had believed was no longer alive in me, had died long ago.
It took a long time, yet, you were patient until you had won my trust as I had won yours. I say "won" because it is, indeed a prize.
Trust not easily given, yet, we had both given ours to each other.

The sheets in my bed had your scent, I almost couldn't bear to wash them. Wash them, I did, knowing you were going to be back soon. The sheets & pillow cases are easily washed. The hair from your head, left behind, I carefully collected, it was all I had to hold onto.
Hearts are a bit more of a challenge to cleanse.
There is still a place in my heart where you live. Always will live.

Love is like that when it's real love.

I know where you are, I refuse to be a chaser. I refuse to be a stalker, it's not in my personality to be like that. If you came back into my life, which may happen, I would have to fight to hold my composure. I would have to fight to keep my hands to myself and to keep my self respect or maybe turn to teasing and playing with your mind. You like that. I like it that you like it. :)

Life goes forward as it always does. You're in your own world.

Lucid dreaming is a wonderful thing. So, I'll see you later tonight.

You're so hot, can't wait!

Stay tuned. :)

Tech Support

Have you ever.........

~ Needed technical support with electronic devices?
~ Figured out your electronic gadgets on your own?
~ Turned the air blue out of frustration with a PC or CP?
~ Been locked out of your own PC, LT or CP?

If this has ever happened to you, you will understand my day yesterday. No joke. No smile. I was putting out fires.

When I'm doing a 7 - 11 hour stint of document translation & interpretation, my PC or LT is being worked like cah-rayzee! I know it's hard on the OS, yet, I have to have the pay to eat, put gas in my car and an occasional giggle. Ya' feel me?
In  summary, I'm hard on a PC. Translating documents is intense, have to have the PC on & running for long periods of time so that I can make my deadlines. It's grueling.
I killed another LT yesterday.
So, new LT.
It was less than my desired outcome, yet, whoop ~
there it is! Ha Ha!
It's gonna hurt. $$$$$$$
On the new LT, when switching virus protection from one LT to another, Norton Anti-Virus wasn't co-operating. I called, what I thought was the Symantic Customer Service line. Reaching a CS representative with a thick East Indian accent, I really thought he was the real deal.
Nope.
Oh, these people are slick.
They seem to be the real deal, they are Tech Support, for a hefty price.
From my free lance modeling days I learned ~

If the photographer tells you that you have to blow him for him to do the work the agent hired him to do ~ he's a fake. FYI ~ I never gave any photogs any sexual incentive whatsoever.

If the agent, photog or site manager tells you, you have to pay for anything, even lunch or dinner or a portfolio, FAKE!!!!

If the photog is saying shocking things to get the desired expression for the photo, the photog is legitimate.

So, when I was speaking to Mr. India and he started telling me he needed $299. to install Anti-virus on my computer, it seemed shady. Then he could do it for $199. then he could help me because I'm a sweet lady with a sexy voice, a deal! Oh boyo! He could do it for the rock bottom deal of $59.99!
Umm, nope!
Never blew a photog, not getting screwed by a Mr. India.
I told him to have a nice weekend, told him I was terminating our phone conversation. Poor babe, he was none too jazzed.

Then, I set out online to search for the REAL Norton help.

This time, I got the legit tech support person. Dan. Cool.

Everything went smoothe as butta! He was professional, courteous, efficient, only asked for my patience, email address, time. Refrained from asking for any $$.

So, this is very telling as to who is real, who is a fake.

Having lived in the single world for 10 years now, the single world is brimming over with fakes.
Lies & liars.
Users & losers.
Cruelty & shamers.
Males who try to take full advantage of a girls desire to be loved by a guy who is a decent human being.
Other girls who know of the difficulty in the single world who pick at other single girls insecurities thinking it will lift them out of their own.
Both are very damaging, neither one has a positive outcome.

I have lived & learned.
OMG have I learned.
Not just the guys, the girls, too. People see, in me, someone who is kind, who is sincere, then, seek to use me for all they can get out of me. I say, they SEEK.
Most often, they got nothing.
Sex, money, ego gratification, resources for their own selfish purposes, their own gains.
Have to admit, I was inexperienced, at first.
Having lived in a semi-protected bubble for a long time, when I first entered the single world, I was shocked at the cruelty of the world, of the people in it. People who are married say they are single, people who are single say they are married. Even people who look like girls are really guys, people who look like guys are actually girls.
Something I learned is to not believe anyone until I see their actions prove their words. Trust, yet, verify.
Don't let yourself care right away, hold back. Easy to say, yet, as a kind and caring girl, uber difficult to do.
People will use the pretense, "I'm a Christian", then, with a cross on a chain around their neck, proceed to play with another person's emotions, play with their heart BIGTIME.
This, I learned the hard way, I learned the lesson.

Just as I learned not to blow a photographer.
Just as I learned to refrain from trusting or caring.
I learned that legit tech support won't ask for more money.

Yeah, this may sound like I'm a bit jaded. So, yeah, when people jaded me, I became jaded. Being "jaded" has been given a negative connotation, like a medical cancer disease diagnosis.
When a person is exposed to being used, played with, it's like a cancer disease that will eat your soul. If you keep from learning how to play the game, wanting to stay as a naïve little sheeple,  it will eat your soul.
OMG, I learned.
My soul has recovered. I learned to leave the game behind while I still believe good people exist in the world. People who love, people who care, are few, now, they still exist, yet, I know they are out there, I am one of them. A good person who cares.

I digress.

Real tech support will do their job without asking for more $$.

Lesson learned.

Aloha!

Who do you love? What do you love?

People love all different things, styles, people for many different reasons. They may love places, scents, sounds, music, sights.
But, why?
People may forget your name, a place, a sound, a scent, a person.
They will remember how it or they made them feel.

I love people.

I have many reasons to not love people.

I choose to love.

The feeling associated with people, I remember places I've lived, places I've visited, sounds, aromas.These memories live in my heart, my thoughts, they are in my dreams at night, sometimes in my daydreams if I need to retreat when life goes dark.
I'm alone in the world.
Single by choice.
I refuse to settle just to have someone in my life.
Better to be completely alone than to feel alone with someone. Have been there, did that, it's miserable. I look to the positive, it's everywhere! As naïve, as Pollyanna as this sounds, I see people as they really are. They may have been physically injured, missing limbs, disfigured. They may be battling obesity or struggling to keep weight on. Some people are in a marriage that they thought was going to be happy, yet, it only poses unhappy situations that they never, never believed they would find themselves in. Not knowing what to do, seeing no way out of a difficult relationship. Some people are battling drug addiction, alcohol addiction, deep dark depression, anxiety.
All of us have battles that cause us pain. As very human individuals, we experience deep pain. Even if it's just from admitting it only to ourselves, our deep struggles, our deep pain. All of us are battling on different levels, the very same struggles, our own personal devils.

I hear and see all of these miseries. It hurts me when I see this.

Of course, I can't solve the worlds problems.

I would if I could.

I see people as they really are. The way they were created to be.

Their shining attractiveness. Their smile, beautiful eyes, the way they are in their heart, in their spirit, such beauty. I see this.

If people would realize who they are, see themselves as they really are, far more wondrous than life, than the world has made them into. Far above what the other people in the world see them as.
They would rise up, then never, ever, ever be the same again.

I choose to love.

I choose love.

What do you smell?

Can you smell rain? Can you smell the food you bite into? What about a new car? Or if you step in something particularly gross?

Can you smell what I'm stepping in? Ha ha. Inside joke. Had to!

Might be genetics, might just be that I pay close attention to everything. Being sensitive has it's perks as well as drawbacks.
Being sensitive to nearly all aspects of life is a bit of overload!
I can hang. Can handle it, more of a challenge some days, less of a challenge on other days which is quite a relief, can you identify?

Good smells?

Testosterone (yes, it has a scent I can smell very clearly)
Gardenia flowers.
Fresh baked bread
Green apples
Victorias Secret shampoo
Man sweat! (it has a distinctly different scent from testosterone)
Cucumber
Ginger root
Fresh coconut

I can fall in love with a guy based on his scent.
A guy who is clean, well groomed, his scent mixed with his own testosterone sent?
SCENTILICIOUS!
When remembering a guy who I have had close body contact with whether he's a friend, relative or more. I can recall just exactly what his scent was at the time.
If I have let him get that physically close to me, I like him to a certain extent. Not "like" as in attracted to him, yet, just knowing he's a decent person. A person who means well. The rest, well, it varies to different degrees.
I don't let many guys that close. Just a part of my sensitivity. I'm mostly a private person. Not letting anyone come to my home unless they are really, really, really special to me. Very few people have come to my home since living in Texas unless it was for a specific purpose to repair something or help me with something.

Before moving to Texas, I can count the number of people, on one hand, I allowed into the home I lived in for 4 years. It's difficult for me to allow people into my home, my sanctuary from the world.
They have to smell good!
Weird, hmm?
Nah, you can deal with it.
I'm simply a private person. The person has to earn a certain degree of trust for me to invite them to come to my home. Makes sense.
When a person visits my home, I feel their essence as a person lingering in my home long after they have left. Sometimes, when the lingering essence of a person becomes too overwhelming for me, I will re-arrange my furniture. Sometimes I will "rotate" my furniture, as in, moving the furniture I associate with that person out and bring different furniture in. It's really just because I care so much about that person, whose essence remains, it's too overwhelming for me to miss them, so, I remove that which they have sat on, slept on or used.
Usually, this is more in reference to a guy as it's more difficult for me to deal with their absence. Removing elements associated with a guy, keeps me from falling for the guy too hard, too fast. It's too dangerous to care about a guy, caring too much too quickly spells disaster for my heart. My heart is too tender to bear the pain when he begins to play with my feelings as guys like to do.
Having my emotions, my feelings played with is such torture. It's difficult to understand how people can be so cruel.

When someone has played with my feelings in the past, I could smell my own fear, my own anguish rolling off of me. It smells acrid like sweat, vomit, mixed with the scent of the guy who is playing with me.
Have not smelled that in a long time. A few years, may be 7 or 8 years. The memory is enough to keep me self contained, if you will, unwilling to subject myself to that sort of discomfort anytime soon.

This is saying I'm more protective of my home, more protective of my heart than I ever have been. I may let my guard down eventually, yet, will still be more cautious than ever.
I love guys. Their voices, their different scents, the way they move, the way they walk. The way they think. It's very fascinating to me. Love the scent of men's cologne. I keep men's cologne in my bathroom, it gives me a temp fix when I start to want one.
It's temporary.
Showering with Axe shower gel, yes, the one made, as well as marketed, specifically to guys, is comforting.

The scent of cinnamon is very comforting to me, add that to apples baking in cinnamon. Add that to apples baking in a pie crust with cinnamon. My, oh, my, hot apple pie. One of the best aromas ever!

The scent of leather is enough to send me into another world, another time, when I was riding a lot. It was enjoyable to saddle & bridle the horse I was about to ride just to catch the scent of leather. Add the scent of leather, to the scent of a horse. There is something so deeply primal about being with a horse, yet, not just any horse. There is chemistry between horses and people just as there is chemistry between 2 people. Having felt this chemistry, it's unmistakable, it's a more enjoyable ride when there is chemistry between the person and the horse. Have genuinely cared about the welfare of every horse who has ever allowed me to be on their back. The horse has to allow it. If a horse does not like the person on their back, it's easy to tell. A less co-operative horse means the horse has to allow you to ride, yet, can rebel by making the experience less enjoyable so that you might not want to do it again. At least, you won't want to be on that particular horse again
Smart creatures!

Today, I awoke to the scent of rain in the air. It has only sprinkled, slightly, yet, enough to wet the ground. Having put coconut oil on my hair, then braiding it, before going to bed last night I could smell the sweet scent of coconut. It was very lightly clinging to my hair & pillow. Had also made a loaf of bread last night, the scent was still in the air in my home.
People have told me that my home has the scent of wood, probably from the wood flooring, baking bread & cinnamon.
Nice.
Sounds good to me!

What are some scents that you love? Aromas that conjure memories of people you love, childhood, places you've been?
Surround yourself with aromas that make you happy. It does, truly make a difference when you're paying attention to the scents.

Now, get out there & sniff!

*smile*

Half way through May

Almost one month since losing a music legend. Yeah, you probably know who I'm referring to. Many people feel as though they KNOW celebrities, people in the politics, entertainment, music, videos, performing arts. Let's see.

Did you know his real name was Prince? Yupp. On his birth certificate, his legal, given name was Prince Roger Nelson.

~* Played 20 musical instruments by the time he was 15
*~ Wrote his first song at age 7
~* Had a son who only lived 1 week, with wife, Mayte
*~ Loved to make omelettes, gave his friends high cholesterol!
~* Kicked out of his fathers home at 12, caught in bed with a gf
*~ Expert at basketball, never missed a hoop shot
~* He stood 5'2" though he was still larger than life
*~ Never owned a cell phone, he didn't like the distraction
~* Formed his first band before graduating from High School
*~ Made history by beating the control of his record label
~* Did many kind things for others anonymously
*~ He was 17 when he put his first album out where he did
     everything on it, wrote the music, all instruments, all vocals.

                      *********So much more!********

People who didn't know him said so many derogatory things about him.
I didn't know him.
Still, when people don't know someone, they often feel like it's okay to say derogatory things about them or to believe what is said.

This point affected me personally, once upon a time.

When I hear or read anything said about a public figure, I don't just believe it. It's small minded people who regurgitate what they hear without knowing first hand if it's true or not.

Whether you liked Prince or not, you knew of him.

Little Red Corvette
Good man
Kiss
1999
Batdance (For the Batman Movie)
Lets Go Crazy
Why Don't You Call Me
Sign O The Times
Razzberry Beret
The Most Beautiful Girl in the World
Darling Nicki
I  Would Die 4 U
Dirty Mind
Purple Rain
Cream
Get Off
When Doves Cry
Sometimes it Snows in April

Some, you probably didn't know he wrote:

Manic Monday (The Bangles)
Nothing Compares to You (Sinead O'Connor)
You've Got The Look (Sheena Easton)
I Feel For You (Chaka Khan)
How Come You Don't Call Me (Alicia Keys)
The Glamorous Life (Sheila E.)
Stand Back (Stevie Nicks)

Most likely many more that people unfamiliar with his style won't recognize as him having written them. I'm not a music aficionado, yet, when I like someone's style, I check it out, check into it. Yeah, Prince oozed sex, it seemed to create some unhealthy envy from guys, threatened some girls. Many girls, myself included, loved his music, also his good taste in shoes. :)

Love him or otherwise, he has made a huge mark on the world, on the music industry. He will, like it or not, be sorely missed.

A bit of magic has left the Earth.

I will miss him

Enjoy this acoustic vid which showcases his talent, though not 100%. He was a music genius, connected with people.



https://youtu.be/muqxaW2jAOc



Peace

Action!
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GO!
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When anything sits still it begins to decay, rot, then it stinks!

Perhaps this is why I like to keep moving, changing, evolving, rarely sitting still for long.
Perhaps it's also why I have such trouble with getting to sleep?
Perhaps.
When it comes to flix, action is my favorite. Action movies, gore & blood are gore & blood. Action movies are full of just that, ACTION!
Shock value of blood, exposed bone, organs, is absent simply because the thought provoking action is there. The thought provoking action gives a bit of heart quickening, entertains the mind. The hint of sexuality is more powerful than showing full on sexual intercourse or ripped open flesh.
Still, action is my personal preference to sedentary. Spending a good bit of life in sedentary practice was necessary, it was a phase.
Living a fitness, active lifestyle is here to stay. Yes, I can say this with confidence, with a surety of belief. When serving on active duty military, I took my strong, fit  body as a given.
Now?
Having to work so dam hard to get it back, I appreciate it far more than I ever did.
I confess.
Being skinny, strong & fit was a given at 19 years of age.
Once, when living at barracks #1843, a girl who was a member of my squadron asked me to go to the beach with her. She came by my room to collect me, then, drive in her car to the beach. As usual, when going directly to the beach, I was wearing my hot pink bikini, a long square of fabric as a cover-up. It's called a pareo or lava lava in the islands. It's tied, at the hips.
When I went to the door of my barracks room, she was smiling and asked me how long I had been working out.
The truth was, at that point, I had never set foot in a gym. Fitness was just a given when I was 19.
Having had to work for it on this go 'round, I appreciate it more, revel in it more, work hard for it more, sweat & suffer !
Having been in a constant state of soreness, aching or pain since 2004, it motivates me to stay in the active, fitness lifestyle for good.
It motivates me to revel in feeling my abs, glutes & delts twitching for hours after a workout.
Reveling in feeling my shirt brushing against my abs when doing something as mundane as washing dishes or driving my car while running errands. The sensations cause a tingling in the area being stimulated.
Delicious!!!!!

Got fitness?

GETCHA SOME!!!

Do you know me?

Thinking you know me when you don't
It's such a common mistake
It causes confusion
In double take

Complicated I know deep inside my mind
Looks deceive still waters are deep
Happiness is free
So is sleep

Feeling timeless ageless in body in mind
A classical always flowing free spirit
You'll  know the vibe
So listen and you'll hear it

Look deep within yourself to see what there is
The wonders are waiting for you to find
The joys of self exploration
Inside your own mind

If you actually think that you really do know me
Reach in to take that book off of the shelf
Better for you as a precious person
To get to know yourself
****************************************************

Brenda

Does size really matter?

No it doesn't. Yes it does.

Both answers are correct. Simply depends on what we're talking about. People speculate about Prince Howard Nelsons height, weight. They speculate and argue about Marilyn Monroe's dress size, Tom Cruise's height.
Does it really matter?
If someone is smaller in stature or wider in girth?
If someone happens to be taller or shorter , slimmer or thicker? If Prince Rogers Nelson was 5'3" or 5'8", his music, OMDG, his music! So what if he was 5'6", 5'7" or 5'9".
SOFAKANWAT.
It's the substance of the person that matters most. His mind, his heart, how he treated others. How she treated others.
What did they do in the time they spent on Earth? The size of their breasts, feet or other parts don't matter in comparison to their heart. Their contribution to the good or the detriment of humanity.
Look at your fellow beings. Look them in the eyes, no longer than 3 seconds, advocating creeper behavior is the opposite of my intent.
Connect.
Feel the essence of humanity.
Even if only in your mind, send love to that person for the 3 seconds you have.
Love yourself.
Love is the most powerful force in the universe.
Oh, guys, sorry, in some instances, size DOES matter.
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The size of your arms in a sweet tight hug.

Peace.

How do you heal? Pick your flavor.

People who had a relatively trauma free childhood are more rare than many realize. Most people, it seems have had a childhood of mild to severe abuse, neglect, parents constantly contentious with each other. The child tends to self blame for parental conflicts.
Parents separate, get back together, separate, get back, repeat. One parent or the other may have a side guy or side chick who molests the child or doesn't like the child who is not part of their DNA.  This is very damaging to a child.
There are many dangers in the world for a child. Fire, water, cars, drugs, sexual predators, bullies, alcohol, sex at a very young age, snobs, shaming, suicidal tendencies, mental disorders, emotional disorders. Snakes, spiders, aggressive dogs, aggressive cats. Then, there are the childhood diseases. Lyme disease, wasps, bees, fire ants, measles, mumps, flu, cold, pneumonia, psoriasis, acne!
There's the pressure of doing well in school, getting along with others, pressure to excel in sports, excel in music. To be attractive, to be cool, to be accepted by peers...all while growing & developing.
Dealing with body changes, B.O., managing hormonal changes, testosterone surges, wearing the right clothes, the right shoes, learning how to fix your hair, makeup skills, dance skills, athletic skills. Pressure to have sexual interaction or wanting to pressure someone else to have sexual interaction with you. That opens up a whole new can of crap. Teen pregnancy, STDs, ruined reputation, gossip, slut shaming, embarrassment, more sexual pressures.
Then there's that annoying question.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
Most children don't know, they have enough to deal with, without having to decide at the age of 5 - 10 years of age.

So, as you can see, it's a friggin miracle that the human race is still here. Children who have parents who are happily married as well as very loving, very supportive toward their children are fortunate. It's far less common as many of us have come to find out.

Of course, from talking to others plus my own experience, no matter how good, loving, supportive a parent is, there are no guarantees. The child is an individual who chooses their own path. They may choose to apply the teachings of morals, values, honesty, kindness, self confidence, life skills which they were taught, yet, sometimes, sometimes they don't. Sometimes they have to put their own hand into the fire to find out that it burns their skin, causes pain. Then, the teachings begin to make sense, sometimes not.

Myself, I was born into an abusive, nightmare childhood that most people only hear about, yet, have not experienced first hand.

I won't go on and on in a poor me diatribe. I had no encouragement, no supportive parents who saw how smart I was  then encouraged me to develop my mind.
Nope.
Neither of my parents had even graduated from High School, so, I doubt they even knew how to tell me to seek higher learning. Instead, I annoyed the hell out of both of them. I constantly asked questions. I wanted to know how to do everything! I taught myself how to tie my shoes at 2 years old. I was tired of waiting for someone to tie my shoes or to teach me. My loving and kind Grandfather did as much as he could, stopping some of the beatings from my drunken father, yet, he couldn't be there all the time.
It formed my personality as a very proactive person. The opposite of a procrastinator. If my mother was sitting, smoking her cigarettes, crocheting, not getting dinner started I would ask her what we were having for dinner and what I could do to get it started. I got home from school at 3 pm, dad would be home at 4:30 pm. It would be almost 3:15. If dinner was not ready when my dad got home at 4:30, he would be furious, all hell would break loose. He would rage and rage, swearing, yelling and hitting anyone within his reach with his leather belt. It was most often, me.

Having to take care of my younger siblings when dad was drunk, mom was going through anxiety was hard for me at 6 years old. I did it because it needed to be done, it hurt my heart to hear them crying, just little babies, so sweet, so helpless, so much work! I didn't want children, I didn't like children, I saw them as unpaid work.
When I found that people would pay me to take care of their children, I learned to take care of children. I didn't dislike the children I took care of, I did as the parents asked, as the children needed. Yet, I just saw the children as pocket money. Mostly. There were a few that I became attached to, not many!

Finding a way out of my parents home, I enlisted in the USAF. A family friend who was an Army Colonel told me not to go into the Army, USAF was the best way to go. So, USAF it was.
BMT was scary at first, I got through it. Tech School and Camp Bullis combat training was challenging, I got through it. My first assignment was Hickam AFB, Honolulu, Hawai'i.
For the first time in my life I had total freedom, spending money. WOO HOO!
Aside from the intense sexual assaults, sexual harassment which I experienced at my first duty station, after my childhood maladies, I felt more free. I would work all night, head to the beach after work, occasionally go to the clubs on base or off base to dance.
I saw my peers going to college classes, sometimes getting married, having babies. After the restriction of my parents, rarely letting me go anywhere or with anyone unless it was family, school or church related, the freedom was like a drug and I was going to enjoy.
I did things my parents never allowed me to do. Mom was strict about only wearing 1 piece bathing suits and NO heels over 3".

I bought a hot pink bikini, 5" heels to wear when I went dancing. Bought my own dam birth stone ring!!!

I went bowling every Saturday, loved it! I went to the Arts & Crafts center, designed a hanging macramé table, spent 6 months making it, still have it, today. I missed being a kid in a small town, yet, the beach was such a comforting place. I had never drank much alcohol, still didn't. The freedom, alone, was thrilling.
Thus.
Healing element #1
Freedom, the ocean, creative pursuits.

Not realizing just how adversely the sexual assaults I experienced in the military, at the hands of the males in my squadron, I moved on to my next assignment in California. I married and 18 months later our first baby was born. I didn't know what to do with a baby. Ex huzz  had taken care of lots of babies, so, between us, we figured it out.
I remembered how my mother had, from the time I was 5 years old, shown me ruby birth stone rings, promising me a ring for later, when I turned 16. She did this, starting at age 5 so that I looked forward with great excitement, great expectation for that day when she would give me a birthstone ring. On my 16th birthday, I asked her about it. She was so furious, letting loose on me with venomous insults of how selfish I was, how ungrateful I was. She pointed out to me that she was only obligated to feed, clothe and house me.
I took that as a no, no birthstone ring. The promises of 11 years, apparently meant nothing except that I was an ingrate. Okay.

I decided to heal that pain that had wounded me so deeply. When my daughter was only 18 months, I took her to the jewelry counter to see which of her birth stone rings caught her eye. I decided to do things differently than my mother. To be more loving, more kind than she had been. Actually buying the birthstone ring, keeping it for her when she turned 16. I did this with my second daughter as well, at 18 months, she chose a darling, heart shaped opal. With my son, who was born in July, he chose differently. He was looking at some emerald men's rings. My children loved my light green eyes, they would look into my eyes when I was teaching them or reading a story to them at bed time. My youngest chose a beautiful garnet for her ring. She was so cute, giggly, wiggly as she touch each ring.
When we were singing in the kitchen.Sometimes we would be cooking together or conversing in different accents at tea & cookies after church on Sundays.
My son said he wanted a ring like mommy's eyes. So, an emerald ring was what he wanted, that is what my 18 month son wanted.

The rings were kept in my jewelry box. Each child could look at their ring, they could handle it, yet, were not allowed to put it on until their 16th Birthday.
 
Healing element #2
Keeping lifelong promises. I could not go back to change what hurt me, yet, it was very healing to do this for my own children.

The pain of divorce, of the loss of community is a very difficult one. It was difficult for me, although I knew he would kill me if I didn't leave. He had already nearly succeeded in killing my spirit.

Everywhere I went in the area where we had lived for 8 years, I would see people who we had both known. Also, I would go to places for events with social groups, talking to someone who, after a few minutes would realize who my ex huzz was. They were always very surprised after having heard my ex huzz describe me. He would say that I was a fat, ugly, slob who never did much besides sit on my ass, do needlework and eat.
So flattering.
These people would proclaim their surprise at how I had been described vs the person that I actually was, in person.
It did hurt at the time. Ex huzz could not face the fact that he had killed the love his wife had for him with his lies, his constant criticism, control issues, so ~
SOUR GRAPES! LOL!
Make me sound like a fat ugly old troll with no value. M'kay.

Healing element #3 
I knew I didn't want to stay in the area where I had not wanted to move to, yet, had been forced into by ex huzz.
I knew that I would find a way out of there, in 2012, I got a way out of it, moved 600 miles south to Texas. It's a better life.
Far from ex huzz, his harsh words. The community of military people who would screw around on their spouses with no regard for the damage they were inflicting on other people. So very sad.
I miss the convenience of being able to use the military facilities at the base, yet, there are other elements I'm happy to be away from.

When divorcing, I knew that ex huzz would just pitch everything in a dumpster. He would have no regard for the fact that there would be baby books, treasured items from my childrens childhoods. Precious mementos regarded as garbage.
I took as much with me as I could, figuring I would sort through it, later. Sorting through it would prove to be more painful than I had ever thought. Before leaving the area, I sold, gave away or donated half of what I had. After arriving in Texas, finally moving to the place I live, now, I sorted, re sorted, crying, hurting, going through, touching, encountering one emotional time bomb after another.
No one was going to do it, no one was willing to be there for me, I had to do it alone. Seems to be a life theme for me.

Alone, always alone.

I set up 4 boxes and placed items that had belonged to each of my children as I came across the items. School papers, letters, autograph books etc. I cried, I ached, I slumped down on the floor against the wall, in sobs. I had to get through this alone.

Healing element #4
Mailing the boxes to each child so that they could decide to keep or toss. It was difficult, yet, it was the right thing to do.
When moving to Texas, I had left behind the furniture I had that ex huzz and I had picked out together, sat on, laid on, etc. The 16th century French antiques, the sofas, beds, etc. All were left behind.
If ex huzz had touched, liked it or used it, I got rid of it.

It's very liberating, healing, cleansing, to have only the present moment, present day, only the happy moments, happy things in life that resonate peaceful bliss within me.

Healing is a good thing.

If you, my reader, have elements in life that you need to heal, that you need to let go of in order to happily confidently move forward.

As many of us have witnessed, most recently the unexpected passing on of Prince Rogers Nelson.
No one knows when our last day or someone we love dearly will pass on from this life.  My conscience is clear as far as how I have dealt with others, if I passed on today, I would be at peace.

Tell those who you love, that you love them. Express your love.

If you need to apologize to someone you have hurt......

I say ~

Just Do It!

WTH is a "Badass"???

Do you know? Do you, yourself have a definition of a "BADASS"?

Just personal speculation, to me, a BAMF is someone who is fearless, or at least appears to be fearless. They have a plan in their head before they overtly or covertly charge in, obtaining their objective with accomplishment as the only option. Could be physical, could be financial, mental, emotional, intellectual.
Whatever it is, success is the only acceptable outcome.

Having known a few, this is how they seemed to me. When the Chris Kyle trial was being conducted in Stephenville, Texas, I went. It's only 25 miles or so from where I live. I wanted to meet Taya Kyle. I have to tell ya, even in her state of deep grief after the senseless murder of a man who was such a legend, a super hero, she was and still is, a true Badass! Meeting her was such a cataclysmic event for me. It changed me, inspired me.
Having lost a man of Chris Kyles caliber, I had to go on, too. Oh, I am, in no way, of the caliber of Taya Kyle.
In my heart, I'm just a simple, sweet farm girl from Michigan. The only thing I have in common with Taya is that I loved and will always love a man similar to the one she lost, the one I lost.

What an anti-thesis of badass that is. Losing someone I love.

I would have never wanted to have that happen in my life, would never want that to happen for anyone else. Yet, it did.
Ya just move on from it as best you can, if you even can.
As much as I wanted to die after he was gone, I'm still here.

Back to the original topic.

What is a badass?A bamf?

A super hero clothed in human flesh?

Most certainly I'm not a badass, I don't see myself that way. As a very girlie, soft, sensitive, feminine type of girl, it's not me. :)

Yes, I work out very hard every day. Rest day? Umm, nope.
On a day when I absolutely cannot go to the gym, I may not be a badass bitch, yet, I am most certainly bitchy. Dealing with my
excess of pent up energy, I don't go to the gym because I want to, I go to the gym because I HAVE TO GO!!!!!
The alternative isn't very pretty.
Most people who don't work out or go to the gym and don't give it all they have, they don't understand this. You probably know some of these people. They are on their phones most of their time in the gym. Then there's the chix who come in, in full makeup, wearing expensive workout gear, they never sweat, their makeup might run down their face. Can't have that! There are those who come in to socialize, to see & be seen. They may come in for 10 minutes and walk on the tread while on their phone. They may come in 1 day per week and wonder why they aren't achieving results. Makes me lol!
These people, male and female, leave, looking as cute and clean as they did when they got there. Double lol!

When I get to the gym, I'm just wearing yoga pants, any old T Shirt I throw on over a Nike sports bra. My girls need it!

I'm clean, mildly put together, happy to be there, smiling.

After 30 minutes to 1 hour of cardio, my face is red, shirt is wet, hair is a mess, breathing hard, can barely talk. Breathing even takes a modicum of effort.
That's the warm up.
YOGA BOOTY!
Body wants some YOGA BOOTY! During Yoga Booty class, I'm dripping down onto the mat, sweat is running into my eyes as I stand in down dog, one leg raised straight up, high,then, drawing it in, knee to elbow 12 times, switch sides do the same on the other leg. I feel the burn in my abs, glutes, thighs, crotch.
It burns & tightens. LOVE IT!
That's the easy part of Yoga Booty. It's strenuous, effective!

Twice, this week, 2 different people have called me a "Badass".

It took me by surprise.

Never thought of myself in that context.

Yes, after the body shaming of 2012, I have changed, my body has improved in, truly, a hundred different aspects all over it!
Improved, just as one improves over time, when a person stays on course with workouts. When increasing the difficulty level as pushups become easy. Too easy. I love a fitness challenge!
Holding plank on elbows & toes for 30 seconds became too easy. Increasing it to 3 minutes became easy after 1 month. Then, holding plank for 5 minutes became easy, no challenge.
Holding plank for 5 minutes, even listening to "Let Me Be Your Hero" or "Ten Feet Tall" actually became boring. Can't do it.

So, I still get into plank position & hold while waiting for class to start. I look forward to class starting, plank has become boring.

Improving my body for me. Proving to myself, I can do this! Doing what I can to inspire others, help them stay motivated.

Back to badass. *smile*

On Monday, I was finishing up with a particularly difficult new Yoga workout. A lady who is in great physical condition came into the back room of the gym where I was. She's there, every day, like me. She's focused, motivated, like me. Ha ha! Love it!
She asked me what motivates me, like she needed motivation!
Not!
I told her,
"I want it, I want my 19 yr old body back, I want it & I want it badly! I want it enough to dedicate the time to push through the pain. It's time consuming, painful, it's well worth the time!"

She smiled, "Dam girl! You're such a badass!"

Wait, what?

Then again, yesterday, coming off 1 hour on the elliptical, a guy who is at the gym a lot, said hello.
I wiped my machine down, went over to tell him hello. He asked me how long I was on the elliptical.

"Oh, just an hour, it feels good."

He shook his head, smiling.
He said, "You're such a badass, ya know that?"
It surprised me.
I smiled, "What? No, I don't know that." He laughed.

I've been called bad, have even been called an ass. 2 negatives put together to make a positive? idk

When people have insulted me, I realize that their insults aimed at me say more about them than it does about me. Examples?

Came to realize that males who pronounce a girl as a "psycho" are scared little pussy boys. They willfully hurt a girl with their actions, played with her emotions, are not man enough to sit down with her, face to face, have a conversation. It's easier, more little boy like to refuse responsibility for their actions, just say she was crazy, a psycho. Have learned to see through this.

People who sling mud, pronounce derogatory judgment are people to stay away from.

People who pronounce derogatory judgment on myself ? Yupp!
It says they are insecure within themselves. That's all.

When I heard that these 2 people see me as a badass, it felt kinda odd. It was meant as a compliment, I'll accept it. *smile*

People who go to the gym a lot AND work hard, will sometimes say they are "working their ass off."
Not me.
I'm working my belly off, it's my problem area, it IS shrinking!

I would like to keep a tight round boo-tay!

To sum it up, I would rather not be known as a badass.

I would rather be thought of  as a ~

FINEASS or a GOODASS