Sleep sweet Sleep

It's been awhile, now, since I have been able to sleep without using a sleep aid. The bed is too empty, too cold, too much empty space between me and all the other people in the world.

Trying to sleep without meds is a no-go. I have tried.

Staying awake for 72 hours is so hard on me.

Even when I was married and shared a bed with him until the last 3 & 1/2 years of our crumbling marriage, when he was angry with me, which was frequent. Sleep was impossible. At least, then, I only went without sleep for a reason.

It disturbed my soul when he would become angry with me, giving me the silent treatment for as long as 2 weeks at a time. He would simply expect me to figure out why he was upset. Pussy boy passive aggressive tactics killed any love I felt for him. That and his rampant hyper criticism, his control issues.

As soon as his dick was too hard so that his hand wasn't quite doing it for him, he would snap out of it and expect me to be grateful that he would want to speak to me, would want to screw me again. This abusive cycle repeated many many times during the time I was married. He pulled the same crap with me, the with-holding sex punishment that so many women do to punish their husbands. It's a destructive tactic.

This was the only time I experienced such acute insomnia before this long stint of nearly 10 years.

For the most part I have been one with self respect, morals, values. What I'm saying is that I can't let myself sleep around.

I have done it, once, and it's left deep scars on my heart. I know that I'm not one who is able to handle it. So, I channel my energy into my workouts, yoga, artistic creative pursuits.

So, what is the answer? Tough it out, go completely without my OC sleep aid, go for 72 hours at a time with no sleep? I tried going without the sleep aid. It was a miserable month. I missed appointments, my work suffered greatly. I felt horrible, exhausted. I drove very slowly through town, being careful with my driving. Other people seemed to notice, asking me if I was okay. Telling me I looked like I was very tired or had been crying. Reluctantly, I gave in after 30 days to take the sleep aid.

I have tried melatonin as well as many other forms of natural sleep aids. I don't use caffeine, I don't drink coffee or tea or caffeinated sodas. I have stayed away from any electronic devices 3 hours before going to bed. Going to bed after a soak in lavender scented warm bath water.
Then....I laid awake in bed in a cool dark room, 2 hours, 3 hours, 4 hours. 5 hours later I get dressed, go to the gym, get my workout in. Sometimes 1 hour or 2, sometimes 3 if my body tells me that's what it wants. In the gym, the body is the boss.
Yes, very in tune with my body, it tells me what it wants, what it needs when I get to the gym. It's kinda tough to explain.

Being so in tune with my physiology, my body rewards me by doing what it's supposed to do when I give it what it tells me it wants. It will give me everything .....except........sleep.

I know that what my body wants is to have someone who loves me and cares for me in bed. It wants the sweet intimacy that it craves, yet, I can't do that so body is holding out on me.

When I was deeply, excruciatingly hurt, for the last time I will ever allow it, I made a promise to my heart. The promise was that I would never let it be betrayed, abused, never be so shattered again.
I keep my promises, even the ones made to myself.

My heart wants to love again, yet, I'm sworn to protect it.

Heart has forgotten the agony, the pain the last breaking of it.

Hearts are such wild things, this is why our ribs act as cages.

Inside the rib cages.
That's where all the wild things are.

*smile*