How do you heal? Pick your flavor.

People who had a relatively trauma free childhood are more rare than many realize. Most people, it seems have had a childhood of mild to severe abuse, neglect, parents constantly contentious with each other. The child tends to self blame for parental conflicts.
Parents separate, get back together, separate, get back, repeat. One parent or the other may have a side guy or side chick who molests the child or doesn't like the child who is not part of their DNA.  This is very damaging to a child.
There are many dangers in the world for a child. Fire, water, cars, drugs, sexual predators, bullies, alcohol, sex at a very young age, snobs, shaming, suicidal tendencies, mental disorders, emotional disorders. Snakes, spiders, aggressive dogs, aggressive cats. Then, there are the childhood diseases. Lyme disease, wasps, bees, fire ants, measles, mumps, flu, cold, pneumonia, psoriasis, acne!
There's the pressure of doing well in school, getting along with others, pressure to excel in sports, excel in music. To be attractive, to be cool, to be accepted by peers...all while growing & developing.
Dealing with body changes, B.O., managing hormonal changes, testosterone surges, wearing the right clothes, the right shoes, learning how to fix your hair, makeup skills, dance skills, athletic skills. Pressure to have sexual interaction or wanting to pressure someone else to have sexual interaction with you. That opens up a whole new can of crap. Teen pregnancy, STDs, ruined reputation, gossip, slut shaming, embarrassment, more sexual pressures.
Then there's that annoying question.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
Most children don't know, they have enough to deal with, without having to decide at the age of 5 - 10 years of age.

So, as you can see, it's a friggin miracle that the human race is still here. Children who have parents who are happily married as well as very loving, very supportive toward their children are fortunate. It's far less common as many of us have come to find out.

Of course, from talking to others plus my own experience, no matter how good, loving, supportive a parent is, there are no guarantees. The child is an individual who chooses their own path. They may choose to apply the teachings of morals, values, honesty, kindness, self confidence, life skills which they were taught, yet, sometimes, sometimes they don't. Sometimes they have to put their own hand into the fire to find out that it burns their skin, causes pain. Then, the teachings begin to make sense, sometimes not.

Myself, I was born into an abusive, nightmare childhood that most people only hear about, yet, have not experienced first hand.

I won't go on and on in a poor me diatribe. I had no encouragement, no supportive parents who saw how smart I was  then encouraged me to develop my mind.
Nope.
Neither of my parents had even graduated from High School, so, I doubt they even knew how to tell me to seek higher learning. Instead, I annoyed the hell out of both of them. I constantly asked questions. I wanted to know how to do everything! I taught myself how to tie my shoes at 2 years old. I was tired of waiting for someone to tie my shoes or to teach me. My loving and kind Grandfather did as much as he could, stopping some of the beatings from my drunken father, yet, he couldn't be there all the time.
It formed my personality as a very proactive person. The opposite of a procrastinator. If my mother was sitting, smoking her cigarettes, crocheting, not getting dinner started I would ask her what we were having for dinner and what I could do to get it started. I got home from school at 3 pm, dad would be home at 4:30 pm. It would be almost 3:15. If dinner was not ready when my dad got home at 4:30, he would be furious, all hell would break loose. He would rage and rage, swearing, yelling and hitting anyone within his reach with his leather belt. It was most often, me.

Having to take care of my younger siblings when dad was drunk, mom was going through anxiety was hard for me at 6 years old. I did it because it needed to be done, it hurt my heart to hear them crying, just little babies, so sweet, so helpless, so much work! I didn't want children, I didn't like children, I saw them as unpaid work.
When I found that people would pay me to take care of their children, I learned to take care of children. I didn't dislike the children I took care of, I did as the parents asked, as the children needed. Yet, I just saw the children as pocket money. Mostly. There were a few that I became attached to, not many!

Finding a way out of my parents home, I enlisted in the USAF. A family friend who was an Army Colonel told me not to go into the Army, USAF was the best way to go. So, USAF it was.
BMT was scary at first, I got through it. Tech School and Camp Bullis combat training was challenging, I got through it. My first assignment was Hickam AFB, Honolulu, Hawai'i.
For the first time in my life I had total freedom, spending money. WOO HOO!
Aside from the intense sexual assaults, sexual harassment which I experienced at my first duty station, after my childhood maladies, I felt more free. I would work all night, head to the beach after work, occasionally go to the clubs on base or off base to dance.
I saw my peers going to college classes, sometimes getting married, having babies. After the restriction of my parents, rarely letting me go anywhere or with anyone unless it was family, school or church related, the freedom was like a drug and I was going to enjoy.
I did things my parents never allowed me to do. Mom was strict about only wearing 1 piece bathing suits and NO heels over 3".

I bought a hot pink bikini, 5" heels to wear when I went dancing. Bought my own dam birth stone ring!!!

I went bowling every Saturday, loved it! I went to the Arts & Crafts center, designed a hanging macramé table, spent 6 months making it, still have it, today. I missed being a kid in a small town, yet, the beach was such a comforting place. I had never drank much alcohol, still didn't. The freedom, alone, was thrilling.
Thus.
Healing element #1
Freedom, the ocean, creative pursuits.

Not realizing just how adversely the sexual assaults I experienced in the military, at the hands of the males in my squadron, I moved on to my next assignment in California. I married and 18 months later our first baby was born. I didn't know what to do with a baby. Ex huzz  had taken care of lots of babies, so, between us, we figured it out.
I remembered how my mother had, from the time I was 5 years old, shown me ruby birth stone rings, promising me a ring for later, when I turned 16. She did this, starting at age 5 so that I looked forward with great excitement, great expectation for that day when she would give me a birthstone ring. On my 16th birthday, I asked her about it. She was so furious, letting loose on me with venomous insults of how selfish I was, how ungrateful I was. She pointed out to me that she was only obligated to feed, clothe and house me.
I took that as a no, no birthstone ring. The promises of 11 years, apparently meant nothing except that I was an ingrate. Okay.

I decided to heal that pain that had wounded me so deeply. When my daughter was only 18 months, I took her to the jewelry counter to see which of her birth stone rings caught her eye. I decided to do things differently than my mother. To be more loving, more kind than she had been. Actually buying the birthstone ring, keeping it for her when she turned 16. I did this with my second daughter as well, at 18 months, she chose a darling, heart shaped opal. With my son, who was born in July, he chose differently. He was looking at some emerald men's rings. My children loved my light green eyes, they would look into my eyes when I was teaching them or reading a story to them at bed time. My youngest chose a beautiful garnet for her ring. She was so cute, giggly, wiggly as she touch each ring.
When we were singing in the kitchen.Sometimes we would be cooking together or conversing in different accents at tea & cookies after church on Sundays.
My son said he wanted a ring like mommy's eyes. So, an emerald ring was what he wanted, that is what my 18 month son wanted.

The rings were kept in my jewelry box. Each child could look at their ring, they could handle it, yet, were not allowed to put it on until their 16th Birthday.
 
Healing element #2
Keeping lifelong promises. I could not go back to change what hurt me, yet, it was very healing to do this for my own children.

The pain of divorce, of the loss of community is a very difficult one. It was difficult for me, although I knew he would kill me if I didn't leave. He had already nearly succeeded in killing my spirit.

Everywhere I went in the area where we had lived for 8 years, I would see people who we had both known. Also, I would go to places for events with social groups, talking to someone who, after a few minutes would realize who my ex huzz was. They were always very surprised after having heard my ex huzz describe me. He would say that I was a fat, ugly, slob who never did much besides sit on my ass, do needlework and eat.
So flattering.
These people would proclaim their surprise at how I had been described vs the person that I actually was, in person.
It did hurt at the time. Ex huzz could not face the fact that he had killed the love his wife had for him with his lies, his constant criticism, control issues, so ~
SOUR GRAPES! LOL!
Make me sound like a fat ugly old troll with no value. M'kay.

Healing element #3 
I knew I didn't want to stay in the area where I had not wanted to move to, yet, had been forced into by ex huzz.
I knew that I would find a way out of there, in 2012, I got a way out of it, moved 600 miles south to Texas. It's a better life.
Far from ex huzz, his harsh words. The community of military people who would screw around on their spouses with no regard for the damage they were inflicting on other people. So very sad.
I miss the convenience of being able to use the military facilities at the base, yet, there are other elements I'm happy to be away from.

When divorcing, I knew that ex huzz would just pitch everything in a dumpster. He would have no regard for the fact that there would be baby books, treasured items from my childrens childhoods. Precious mementos regarded as garbage.
I took as much with me as I could, figuring I would sort through it, later. Sorting through it would prove to be more painful than I had ever thought. Before leaving the area, I sold, gave away or donated half of what I had. After arriving in Texas, finally moving to the place I live, now, I sorted, re sorted, crying, hurting, going through, touching, encountering one emotional time bomb after another.
No one was going to do it, no one was willing to be there for me, I had to do it alone. Seems to be a life theme for me.

Alone, always alone.

I set up 4 boxes and placed items that had belonged to each of my children as I came across the items. School papers, letters, autograph books etc. I cried, I ached, I slumped down on the floor against the wall, in sobs. I had to get through this alone.

Healing element #4
Mailing the boxes to each child so that they could decide to keep or toss. It was difficult, yet, it was the right thing to do.
When moving to Texas, I had left behind the furniture I had that ex huzz and I had picked out together, sat on, laid on, etc. The 16th century French antiques, the sofas, beds, etc. All were left behind.
If ex huzz had touched, liked it or used it, I got rid of it.

It's very liberating, healing, cleansing, to have only the present moment, present day, only the happy moments, happy things in life that resonate peaceful bliss within me.

Healing is a good thing.

If you, my reader, have elements in life that you need to heal, that you need to let go of in order to happily confidently move forward.

As many of us have witnessed, most recently the unexpected passing on of Prince Rogers Nelson.
No one knows when our last day or someone we love dearly will pass on from this life.  My conscience is clear as far as how I have dealt with others, if I passed on today, I would be at peace.

Tell those who you love, that you love them. Express your love.

If you need to apologize to someone you have hurt......

I say ~

Just Do It!