I Know What I Wanted

Oh I wanted my darlings to see that the world

Could hold such wonderful magical places

Gave them all of my love plus surprises

To see looks of delight on their sweet little faces

We had duck pudding sometimes elephant too

Being so silly made for such a childhood treasure

It made the time and work and daily sacrifices

Turn from exhaustion and pain into pure pleasure

Big and beautiful birthday celebrations always

Lambs, luaus, cowboys, tea party, TP princess

It was the only proper way for this chik to give it

The Queen of follow through went to excess

The adventures we had on 747 birthday parties

The excursions to France to simply do grocery shopping

The daily crossings of El Puente de Diablo were

Mesmerizing exciting sometimes just jaw dropping

Each of my sweet darlings had a different experience

They all remember it differently in so many different ways

Through it all there is one theme they all have in their hearts

The sense of adventure of a magical childhood still stays

Oh the Christmases we had with such glitter and such fun

Oh the joy of the gifts they were delighted with so deep

It was mostly worth the pain after the party I thought

Though I suffered so greatly from so much lack of sleep

For babies have a funny habit of growing into children fast

Then children grow into teenagers as we plead with him above

My only wish is that my sweet babies know that their mother

Did all that she did to preserve sanity while giving all of her love

******************************************************

It's Truly Optional

Many people see it as inevitable, unavoidable, no way out of it.

Au contraire

It's optional.

Many believe it's unnecessary to fight it, dislike it, deny it. To do so, goes against biology, goes against who people are as human beings.

However, the attitudes in most of the world truly stink toward it. The attitudes deny all people of enriching experiences which can better them in so many ways. People have been fed the false attitude toward it by the media and, guess what?

They have been duped into believing it.

Of course, the same can be said for the attitude toward everyone NEEDING sexual intercourse akin to NEEDING water, food, air, etc.

Nope. Ya will still live without sexual interaction.

I'm living proof. 

Wanting sex, needing sex, gave males too much control, too much power over me.

No bueno.

The solution?

Stop wanting it until I am married.
FYI - Am not looking.

Problem solved.

No, the ignorance I speak of is the attitude that people have to become incapacitated as they move on through time. Getting old is optional.

People give up on life for the same reason they fall out of bed. They need to be farther into it.

When a person keeps the burning curiosity alive in themselves, they continue to learn, to grow, to change. When a person continues to seek out experiences that are new, very different to them, they keep their minds sharp, functioning well.

Here's another aspect of it.

Mind-Body connection.

When a person stays physically active, getting a minimum of 1 hour of heart pounding exercise EVERY day, it keeps the mind & body strong.

Yet, another aspect!

You wanted more, right? Admit it! HAH!

When a person keeps themselves thinking positive, finding reasons to laugh to smile, to feel the giggles of the soul, it makes the most impact of all.

When a discomfort arises, as they do, in life, find a way to get back to comfort. Sometimes, it's simply necessary to wait for the discomfort to pass. Similar to getting over a cold or waiting for the pain of a paper cut to cease.

In time, even grass will turn into milk.

Other ways to take care of the body which ultimately supports health in the mind is to get a minimum of 7 hours of sleep, every night.

Body needs rest to repair while sleeping.

Also, water, water, water, water. That's a big key.

People develop brain fog, tooth decay, constantly spit (EW! YUCK!) because they're dehydrated.

Lacking enough water.

The brain, by itself, uses approximately 3 tablespoons per hour to function at its best.

The process of moving on through time can be a fun ride when exercising, eating healthy, refraining mostly from tobacco - pharma - negativity, getting enough sleep, drinking mostly water.

Becoming "old"?

Define "old".

Carefully. LOL!

Define "old", not as the world defines old. The view of advanced age which is so skewed by the media, is false.

My darling, youngest daughter, tried to tell me that getting old is inevitable. Well, she tried. Ha Ha!

I know better.

When divorcing the ex huzz, it felt like I had been sprung from a prison, like I had hit a reset button on life. A new lease, if you will. It felt as if I began the process of growing younger, feeling younger every day. 

I began to put BACK into practise those actions which I, naturally knew to be healthy, which he had stripped me of, slowly as my spirit was trampled upon. Devalued, disrespected, crushed.

I began to eat much more healthy. Also, something else that even surprised me became interesting.

Prior to that, I had never set foot in a gym.

*SURPRISE!*

Beginning the journey back to health, strength, slimness, happiness, turning back to who I really am.

As my body became more and more lean, I became happier, gained my curiosity about life back. Gaining back, all that I feared was lost to me, forever.

Oh, the insomnia was more pronounced, yet, after nearly 10 years, I have even begun to conquer it!

Yoga & Pilates have played a role in my return to well rounded health.

People who don't know me think I am around 35. Sometimes 45.

My age is none of anyone's business.

Only when people are being rude, do they ask.

When someone asks another person, who they barely know, their age?

It tells me a lot about them.

They have given into the media duping.

Poor, rude, little sheeple.

I will move on through time, with an intact burning curiosity. Continuing to become more lean, stronger, drinking enough water, getting enough sleep, thinking positive, showing love & compassion for those who need it.

Peace out!

Doing the right thing...*sigh*

It's sometimes more of a challenge to do the right thing, sometimes less of a challenge.

Sometimes being a bit naughty is called for.

Just sometimes!

Mostly, I do the right thing. It generally feels better, leaves me with fewer regrets, gives me more self confidence, a better feeling.

Basically, my character is the same as it has always been.

My beloved grandfather taught me very well. In the past there were more opportunities to choose the wrong thing. Maybe because I lived in a Liberal state, in a larger, more populated area. For the most part, I did the right thing when faced with the many dilemnas. The poor choices I made, taught a very valuable lesson I will use every day!

Sorry, if you were ready for a long diatribe. It may or may not happen, this time. *smile*

I moved to Texas in May 2012 for various reasons. It was a nice change, a good decision for my life.

Life was definitely different. It was also very lonely, very isolating as I healed, grew, evolved!

In early 2013, a temptation presented itself that I'm very happy I passed up. It would have been a disaster, plus, it would have been wrong on so many levels.

A 20 yr old friend of a relative found me online. He began messaging me. His age had nothing at all to do with my reluctance. The emotional pain it would cause my relative, finding out, was enough to stop me.,, 

DAM!

He was only in Texas for about 6 months, wanted to spend some time with me. 

Wine me, dine me, 69 me. Yupp.

I resisted.

Online is a funny thing.

I'm single and though I'm not actively looking, occasionally, I do get a serious nibble. 

At the end of 2013, a guy I had dated briefly, in Colorado, messaged me. He was ready for a change and told me that he had "come into" a large amount of money. He had become tired of the way so many girls were so fake, so promiscuous. He asked me if I would like to have him move to Texas so we could "take up where we left off".

Umm, nope. If it didn't work the first time, it most likely would not work the second time. 

Crises averted. :)

In early 2014, I was just leaving work, it was raining hard. A guy who had just been to the bank to withdraw what looked like  a WAD of $100s. was running to his car. As he stuffed the wad in his back pocket, one of the $100s slipped out and was getting soaked by the rain.

Everyone can stand to get an extra $100. Even me.

I grabbed it and was running after him, yelling. The rain was loud, wet, cold.

I slipped & fell on the wet pavement, the owner of the money was in his truck with the door closed. He was starting his truck, preparing to leave. The thought DID go through my mind to keep the money.

I couldn't do it!

He had rolled back out of the place where his truck was parked.

I ran up, knocked on the window, he put a pistol up to the glass! Kinda funny, actually!

He lowered the window.

I told him he had dropped the money and handed the soggy $100. to him. He took it, with a smile of gratitude, thanked me.

Ya know, I gave up $100., I felt like 10 million!

It was the right thing to do.

There have been other opportunities, it makes me feel happy to say, I made correct decisions.

Do some good in the world.

Feel the happiness from it!

Laters.

:)

What did you expect?

Today has been a day full of surprises.

A good workout this morning when I didn't think I would have the energy for it! That's always good!

The OSB singles were helping celebrate a birthday, so, we went to a steak house instead of Pizza Hut.

Surprise!

I left early. Stress & anxiety are striking at odd times. I was feeling a bit claustrophobic.

Arriving home, the stress was mounting in my home where it's all in pieces. I felt anxious, even a bit of a panic attack coming on. Elevated heart rate, deep fear, jumpy in reaction to every little noise. 

Usually, my youngest daughter and I speak on the phone every Sunday. I texted her, letting her know I had to get out, go back to the gym to relieve some anxiety. Moving may be necessary, not fun.

I rarely talk on my cell. Yes, I have a landline for that. On the way to the gym, my daughter called me on my cell. For her? I will answer, just have to be mindful of my surroundings, who is listening!

It was nice, she has a place in my heart, all hers!

My awesome Landlord needed to show the house to someone. EEEEEEEKKKKK! 

He needed to, I understand that. He's courteous.

Arriving home from the gym, the "For Rent" sign was gone from the yard, so, it's official!

I was feeling a bit MORE anxiety. Brilliant.

Texted a GF, she came over a bit later, put some of my fear to rest. She let me know she would help me get the rest of the "stuff" out of here to the other house.

Right after she left, my landline rang. I vaguely remembered the phone number on caller ID. Doing something out of the norm for me, I answered it!

The voice of the caller was vaguely familiar. A guy I had not heard from in a little over 3 years. He's a cool guy, not a friend, more like an acquaintance. 

We began talking, catching up as I packed boxes.

Then, a pause.

He told me of a girl he had just broken up with. They had met, then began dating at the time I stopped hearing from him. Such a shock. *_*

It seemed that he needed to talk. I listened.

They met, had a lot in common, had some great times together, met each others families. Families liked them and liked each other. Things were great. She was great. Beautiful, smart, funny, educated, financially responsible, great career!

Everything he was, everything he wanted in a girl. Yes, everything he wanted in a future wife.

He wanted kids, eventually, so did she, not right now, yet, eventually. Sounds good.

So what was the problem?

He had been burned badly before, yet, not by her.

She had been burned badly, too, yet, not by him.

They were both in their mid 30s. At that point, in life, if you haven't been burned at least once, you are indeed fortunate, my friend!

So, what was the problem.

The problem, according to him is that he loved her, was in love with her, she was great, he simply became "scared".

I call BS on this, I don't accept this childish excuse. If a guy doesn't know if he wants to put a ring on her finger after 3 years, he needs to stop wasting her precious time 

AND

her precious eggs.

He went on and on about how she loves him, was in love with him, treated him with respect, courtesy, bla bla bla. 

He stated how much he loved so much about her.

She let him know that she wanted something more committed, more permanent.

He let her know he couldn't marry her. Not sure when, if ever.

O boy.

She didn't cry, didn't make a scene. She simply said, thank you for letting me know, stood up from the table where they had been having dinner, as if getting up from a job interview.

That was almost it.

He went for a walk after that. When he got home (they lived apart) there was a box on his door step with all of his things, every gift he had ever given her.

That was it.

He was quite upset.

I asked him, "What did you expect her to do?"

Him: I don't know, cry, scream, call me an a-hole.

Me: Do you mean, the drama guys say they hate?

Him: Yeahhhh. Maybe.

Me: Why?

Him: Because I love her, she loves me.

Me: That's a confusing way to say, "I love you."

Him I thought she would call me or text me once.

Me: WHY? You rejected her in the worst way.

Him: I didn't think she would accept it.

Me: WTH would make you think that?

She loved you, she gave you 3 years of her life. She had been badly hurt, then, your actions made her believe in love again, then, you tell her that you can't step up to the plate? 

Him: I want to buy a ring and propose to her.

Me: It better be a freaking awesome ring! A dozen of her favorite flower, chocolate, Enrique Iglesias crooning to her as you propose!

Him: I didn't think I would be single ever again.

Me: What did you expect from her, actually?

****************************************************************************

This scenario boggles my mind. Everything is really good, he loves her, she loves him, 3 years later he gets "scared". She accepts his rejection, then, dumps his stuff on his doorstep.

All of a sudden, he has overcome his fear.

I had to get stuff done, I wished him well.

This scenario plays out all over the world in different variations. 

When everything is so good, so right, 

OF COURSE she or he will want to make it permanent.

When a girl has been hurt badly a few times before, then the guy comes into her life. He tells her he is falling in love with her, that he loves her, he is triggering emotions in her that are very powerful.

I am speaking from a female pov since I'm a girl. Also speaking from experience. Ex huzz was deeply selfish, everything HAD to be about him or he would pout, freezing me out for 2 days to 2 weeks at a time, sleeping on the sofa or with one of our children. The lies, the married males messing around on their wives, the would be players who I called out immediatly. 
Too much drama.

Playing with those feelings is dangerous.

Dangerous to both people.

It heightens the ante, the ante of emotions, emotional investment. It enters a spiritual realm.

It is my wish that the guys out there who get gain from playing with the emotions of girls would be more mindful of the damage they inflict.

Every time a girls heart is broken, she is less and less willing to trust any male in any situation. Then, something magical happens that many girls wish for.

She simply refuses to give a #2 what any male says, does, promises, it no longer matters.

She was taught by having her heart broken too many times that her heart is only safe without a guy in her life to play with it, hurt it, break it.

She's sexy as hell & doesn't give a rats rear.

What did you expect?

You're so Attractive!!!

When was the last time someone said this to you? Oh, it's not feeling that you or I need validation. Girls and guys are lifted up by occasional, sincere compliments.

It doesn't have to be about looks, it can be about anything, really. As long as it's sincere.
It's a non-necessity, simply nice to hear or to have. It has to be done right to be effective or affective, if you like. 
Strawberries without whipped cream are fine, the whipped cream is an add on, a complementary bonus.

See what I just did, there?

On  the opposite side of the spectrum, people who are insecure, who don't like themselves, will try to ease their own discomfort by noticing, what they see as, shortcomings in others. They will verbally point out wrinkles in another persons skin. They will tell the other person, their flaws, as they see them.

They are, thereby, broadcasting to the world as well as the other person,
"I don't like myself! I'm feeling uncomfortable, insecure, I will point out what's wrong with you so I can feel better about me!"

Really, in their attempt to lower others to make themselves feel better, it has the opposite effect. It's a tiny band-aid on a gaping wound. The person only feels worse about themselves.

Lift others up, feel the joy within yourself. Have a positive effect on the world around you and the people in it!

Have a great day!

You're beautiful!!

Would you be kind?

In situations throughout life many of us come to a crossroads. We can be kind or we can be right. In those rare opportunities that come along, we can sometimes, fortunately be both.

Is it more important to you to be right?
Is it more important to you to be..well..you know..kind.

All people we come into contact with in our daily lives whether we know them well or not, are going through things we know nothing about.
Much of it's their own creation though they may or may not see that it is. Some of it's circumstantial. Often, it's better just to listen. It may only take a few minutes, we hope. :0)

Self examination, when we look at ourselves, how our actions, choices, or inaction led us to where we are today. Painful!!

Just as others will have zero benefit from people putting their insecurities off on them when they try to discredit others. Trying to show others where they are wrong or try to say they are lying has negative benefit.

Isn't this a great opportunity to show kindness to someone who is clearly in enough distress already?
Seems so, to me.

Rearing a prideful attitude to tell someone how wrong they are only adds to negativity & distress.

How much does it hurt to be kind?

When you find yourself in a situation where you have an opportunity to be kind, I hope you choose a loving action.

Peace.

What do you like to talk about?

Entertaining, stimulating conversation is a very refreshing way to pass the time. It can, at times, add a bit of levity to life!

A quote by Eleanor Roosevelt:

"Great minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, small minds discuss people."

So, what do you like to talk about, hmm?

The Special Forces community is a tightly knit group. I know a few of these awesome guys. I'm barely a blip on  their radar, no big deal, yet, I do hear about it when one of them has talked about me. Sometimes even trash talked about me. The trash talker can be thousands of miles away from me geographically or closer. I still hear about it. The one who works with a trash talker will keep it to himself that he knows me, then mention to me, what was said & who said it,  when an opportunity presents itself.

According to one of the USAs great First Ladies, he's a small minded sort. An insecure little boy trash talking for fun.
Sad that someone who may have the lives of others in his hands would be so very petty, so immature when he's in a mans role.
There are 2 sides to every story. His side most likely makes him look like an innocent who did nothing wrong. Poor baby.

So, yes, I do hear about it.
I know who you are, you know who you are.
I don't remember the events, yet, I have been informed.
No worries ~ XOXO

What if people were so EXCITED about discussing ideas, instead???

Medical discoveries & breakthrough technology.

Psychological conditions along with their symptoms & cures.

Cause & effect in human mannerisms & various behaviors.

Creative ideas about ways to pass time productively.

Fitness techniques!

What do you like to talk about?
*smile*

Comment, below

Looping!

It's something I have only heard about as becoming "mainstream" recently.

It's probably been around for a long time.

If you know what this is and you're sitting there, grinning, rolling your eyeballs, yeah, you might know what this is.
Just might!
Oh, no! She dit-ent!
Umm, yupp. I just did. Ha ha!

It's being used, now for so many different things.
Drinking it for health.
Harvesting stem cells.
Skin treatments.
Hair treatments.
Wound & bone healing.

The idea of drinking it is supposed to promote better sex, better sleep, weight loss, lowering blood pressure as well as an alternative treatment for diabetes.

I'm all for natural cures, somehow I can't wrap my mind around doing this.

Maybe it's because I don't have a Pee- Hd.

Are you out there?

I can almost hear your laughter
Almost see your face
Almost sense your body heat
Memories that won't erase

Some people believe in life after death
The cliche' is that some never live
Some people keep to themselves
Others have so much more to give

You gave and gave then gave some more
So humbled when others gave in return
It only made me love you more
It only caused the passion to burn

If someone had told me you would be gone
No warning before you were taken
I would have never believed it
They would have to have been mistaken

It seems like only yesterday
You were standing there at my door
A vision of manliness
Could not have asked for more

Now I am here with this hole in my heart
You're not here to fill
A place no one else has been
Most likely no one ever will

Was it really so long ago
When we slow danced under the moon
Seems like it was yesterday
Gone too fast gone too soon

*****************************************

Yes, I still miss him.

Difficult to be different

or

Is it different to be difficult?
*smile*

Knowing that I am a unique person, knowing that most people have difficulty understanding me, it can give life some razzamatazz. :)

In my heart, my intent is benevolent. Very sensitive, I know. Yet, I feel things deeper & differently. I think deeper, even a bit analytical. I am emotional like a girl, often compartmentalize like a guy. It's essential for emotionally positive health.

Events that hurt other people will devastate me. Yeah - yeah, people tell me there is treatment and meds for that. It may be okay for others, I do without meds as much as I possibly can.

So, having been told that I am "different" on many occasions by many neutral parties, my thinking is that it must be true. Mostly, it has been said in a positive context. Mostly. lol.

The down side of that is that I live in a very small town with small minded people who live here. They have lived her their entire lives, they will most likely live here for their entire lives, never leaving very much or for very long. There are people who are exceptions to this rule, a few exceptions, sadly, very few.

Many of these people claim to be Christians. They talk the talk, they don't walk the walk. They seem to think it's not obvious. The truth of who they are is obvious to everyone.

Yeah, I'm a bit POed about a recent event.

In my regular feed, a FB friend of a FB friend had posted a video that appeared in my feed. It was a music video of a popular group performing a song that I hadn't listened to much before.
The song caught my attention, made me feel happy!
I shared it on my FB page. I know who the person is irl who had the video I shared, no big deal.
I go in to FB this afternoon to find he has blocked me!
WTF?
So rude.
Yeah, so mature, such a good Christian ~ Not.
A conversation or even a FB message would have been courteous.
NOPE
I'm an outsider in this town, that makes me unworthy of respect, unworthy of courtesy. I don't matter, therefore, no courtesy for me.
Nope
It makes him a small minded, insecure little boy.
I feel better just getting that out.

In Austin, Texas or Dallas or San Antonio, I might fit in. I'm a single girl, single by choice. No husband. No boyfriend. No kiddos. I'm very independent, making my way in the world. Many people past the age of 30 have stopped working out or even taking care of themselves. That makes me weird, right there, according to these people. They can't wrap their head around it.
Many people in this town make it their mission to know everybody else's business. The ones who do this know that I work out. On the rare occasions when I have had visitors to my home, people know about it. They ask me about it, too!

Back to being different.

Some things that are different about me ~

I care about other people
Being one who says what she will do, does what she says
Very creative
Very curious
Have lived in several other countries outside the USA
Independent & free spirited
More genuine than most people
More sincere than most people
High energy level
Intuitive
Happy 99% of the time
Will do whatever is needed, within reason, for greater happiness
Honest
Truthful


Unfortunately, these are many qualities that are missing in a large percentage of the population in todays world. The factors of age, race, religion, economic situation, gender, etc have zero bearing.

Many people have seemingly lost the concept of being authentic. They may have 5,000 FBFs and not know even 1/3 of those who are represented by a FBP.
On my FB? At any given time I will have less than 30 FBFs. None of them live as residents in Pakistan or Iraq or China or Nigeria or any other place where people try so hard to get to know an American who lives in the USA. Most of these are catfish. People looking for a victim to tell their sad sad  fake story to. Mostly to extract money, sometimes just for the fun of it out of boredom.
There are as many reasons as there are catfish.

It takes so much time, effort, energy to be fake.

Here's a novel concept.

Be real.

Unless you have extenuating circumstances.

Be real.

In my life, on my FBP, if someone wants to be fake ~
they can be gone.

Ain't nobody got time fo' that!

*smile*

Peace.

As I Move On

Moving through

It seems like every day is revealing different aspects. Do you know what this is? What I'm speaking of?

The world is so set against people over the age of 30. Especially girls over the age of 30. They are viewed & treated differently than guys over the age of 30. See what I did, there? *smile*
Even guys over the age of 30 are viewed differently after they leave their 20s behind in an age marker that many guys dread.

Am here to tell you.........it's actually really, really funn!
When you are someone who is in good health, good physical condition, it's even more so.

For me, personally, I speak, read & write Spanish, fluently. Same for French, German. My Italian is okay, could be better. Knowing all of these languages, people are surprised. They would attribute this knowledge to a person much more aged than they think I am.

There is a lady at the gym who has Aztec heritage, speaks mostly Spanish, very little English. I speak to her in Spanish, she's so nice!

We had a short conversation before I started my workout, all in Spanish, of course. She went her way, I went mine. A person who always says hello to me as I say hello in return, asked me,
"Do you speak English?"
I smiled.
"Yes, I do, why?"
Him ~ "I heard you speaking German to the Ukraine girls, have only heard you say hello in English."
"I speak English on a good day, most days are good days."
Him ~ "What else?"
Me ~ "I have many hidden talents, have a good work out!"

Kinda funny. Before I left the gym, he asked me if I was over 30 or under 30?

UGH!

Like it matters sooooooooooooo much.

When a person has moved through time, they begin to realize that age matters significantly less than they, ignorantly, once believed. Significantly less than when they so rudely asked people they did not know, their age. So rude.
Gauging who the person was, based upon their age. Putting them into a box they constructed based upon a false stereotype.

Equally sad.

As you move through time you will see how little age or money or things matter.
If you are wise, you will value people.
If you are wise you will discard materialism.

I wish you happiness, wisdom & flashes of spicy excitement!!!

Loving the Vibes!

Have you heard of L.O.A?

Maybeee.

Maybee not?

Not to be confused with

LOL = Laugh Out Loud
or
ROR = Raff Out Roud
or...
or...
or...

The Vibes! (not a vibrator as in a sex toy, yes, I know about those, this is much bigger, much better!)

The feeling in the air that something good is there & feels like delightfulness is about to happen! It CAN feel just a little scary. As I often define it as deliciously scary!
Similar to when my PJ crush contacted me for the first time.
Similar to when I set out from CO for Texas.
It was REALLY HAPPENING!

This is a feeling of the pre-feeling of dreams about to come true. Oh, it's definitely happening. On a primordial level, I believe I am making it happen. Things are falling together! I thought of this, wondered how to make it happen, envisioned  it, now, it's coming to fruition. People from OSB are helping. It's happening!

Yes, I am a believer in the LOA, Law of Attraction. For you doubters, YES, it is even in the Bible about what you focus on being brought to pass when focused on intently.
Am not a particularly religious person yet ~
Proverbs 23; 7

There it is

Moving from one place to another is a less than pleasant experience, yet, here I go. It's going more smoothly than I could have ever hoped for.

With the hope, with the promise of a happier, easier life, even my workouts feel more super charged!
Although still slightly buried, I can even feel my abs muscles emerging & working for me. My abs feel tighter when I'm walking about or even simply sitting.Clothes fit me better than ever. It's quite a miraculous feeling when that happens.

If you have been reading my blog you will know that my main focus in  life is making money & fitness. That's it right there!
Although I have had help, I truly believe that it's all the more possible because of my focus on LOA.
Because of my constantly being on the lookout for opportunity and having the guts to seize an opportunity when it presents itself.

Moving & shaking is tough, so am I!

Peace!

How real is reality?

As real as a blade of grass?

As real as the dream or nightmare you had last night?

As real as the newborn baby you hold in your arms?

As real as the shirt you're wearing brushing against your skin?

As real as the photo-shopped Beyoncé photos?

As real as a kiss from the one you love?

As real as the promises of a campaigning politician?

As real as the words of a lover or potential lover?

As real as your heart pounding in your chest?

Are you still with me?
OH! There you are, we're good!
In todays world there are so many opportunities to be fake. Also, so many opportunities to be oh so vulnerably your true self.
Warts, lumps, shortcomings and all.
Being your authentic self comes with risks. It makes a person vulnerable. It opens us up to scrutiny, self scrutiny as well. UGH!

It's tough to face yourself, yet, it makes a person more real when they choose to be real. To resist temptation to hide behind online chat, online messaging, excessive social media, Skype, even texting.
Many people engage in phone conversations with another person they have never met in real life nor have the intent to do so.

It seems to take some personal power, personal integrity away from those who hide behind technology. They think they are gaining an edge by hiding while giving the other person just enough to keep them coming back for more. So very sad that one person could use others for their own gratification while giving so little.

In truth? Both people lose their authentic selves in the insidious lie that they present to each other. People should be good to each other.
People used to love other people and use things. A sad fact of todays world is that most people use other people while they love things.

Don't believe me?

Take a look at an Apple Store just releasing a new iPhone. People are pushing, shoving, sometimes even fighting just to get a phone.

You don't have to look that far, either.

Take a look at a group of people at a restaurant or even just sitting together. Most are using their phones. The people who matter are sitting right there, yet, they ignore each other to pay attention to their phones instead of those right there with them.

I'm a single girl.

Often, guys, online will send photos to me without my request, I don't ask them to. I won't send a photo of myself to someone I don't know and most likely won't meet in person. It's pointless to me.

Whether the guy is on a ski slope, a tropical beach, with friends or just chilling with his pet. 19 times out of 20, he has his phone in his hand. He doesn't even put it down to have the photo taken.
Will reserve judgment, however, this tells me that he is overly attached to his technology & is caught up in the pervasive attitude of loving things, while using people.
Forget looking for the telltale tan line from a wedding ring. Even if he SAYS he's single, separated or "misunderstood" a married guy will not set his phone down for a second if he is a constant cheater on his wife & kids.
One member of his harem might sext, call or a potential might send a naked photo. Then, he'd be busted. Can't let that happen!

Being real, being your authentic self means you not only care enough about yourself to keep your integrity & peace of mind. It also means that you truly care about others enough to be honest, to be truthful.

Truthful = Facts, todays date, your physical address, etc.
Honesty = Emotions, do you like the other person, do you feel sad or happy.

Being authentic is about being truthful and honest.

*So, you might be thinking, Who is this chick???*

This chick?

Very real, very honest, very truthful. Authentic.

Oh, I was not so much honest & truthful in the distant past. It's a learning process, it's a maturing process. Sometimes it takes self examination, sometimes it takes some very uncomfortable & downright painful life lessons to become your authentic best.

A few years ago, I went on a vacation with someone I didn't know extremely well, yet, I was up for an adventure. We had talked on the phone and skyped extensively. It seemed like a safe adventure!

OMG, it was anything but!

I have taken good care of myself aside from gaining a large amount of weight then losing it, I'm in very good health. Many people think I am around 35 although I am not.
This girl and I were around the same age except, she had been a cigarette smoker up until 2 years earlier and had also struggled with excessive clubbing and alcoholism up until 2 years prior to our meeting in person.
It seemed to make her feel threatened that I had no lines or wrinkles on my face, that I got up every morning to work out for a couple hours even on vacation.
She had difficulty believing that she and I were the same age.
Instead of admitting her own insecurities, she nit picked at everything I did and everything I said. Everything I did and everything I said irritated her.

In reality, it was her, venting her insecurities upon me as a scape goat. I could see this very clearly, so, I called her out on it as kindly as I knew how to do. I wanted to be kind, yet, from the abuse of my long marriage I had learned to NEVER allow anyone to abuse me again whether verbally, physically or otherwise.

She was very quiet, then, the hounds of hell came out of her mouth!

I sat for the first minute, then, I put my gym clothes on and went to the hotel gym for a workout.

When I returned, she was simply sitting, staring out the window. She had gone and bought a pack of 5 of those long thin cigarettes and was smoking the 4th one with a fervor.

I felt sorry for her at that point. The years of smoking, drinking and partying regularly, well past the age of  25 had aged her prematurely, she took her frustration out on herself instead of being real and vowing to take better care of herself.

Being real is hard. I know this from experience. Yet, the feeling of real self confidence vs faking it, is so worth it.
Being authentic with yourself as well as with others takes courage, not the liquid kind!

Be good to yourself.

Be authentic.

Be real!

It Keeps Happening....

It happened again, today!

In spite of my high self motivation to work out, to continue on a path of ongoing self improvement, I'm human. It stings a little bit, just a little, to admit I still need encouragement.

Encouragement is so inspirational to keep going!

Prior to 2 years ago, workouts were confined to the gym.

In the last 2 years, they are home, gym, anywhere that works! You Tube is a great source to keep up with new & fresh workouts to keep changing it up. Have to admit, it does become somewhat stifling to do the same thing every day, so, I change it up every day. The order in which I do cardio then strength training, sometimes doing strength then cardio, throwing Yoga & Pilates in there to keep it going.

Still, I find I can keep going easier when I have encouragement.

Seeing myself every day, I feel stronger, more lean, more toned with just enough muscle, yet, I don't SEE the improvement.

Today, I woke up late, got to the gym, later than usual. Tsk, tsk! I had some trash to throw out, I don't like having the trash dumpsters in front of my house, so, I take it with me & toss it in any big blue dumpster. It's legal, here, in this town.

I parked next to a dumpster to get a big black trash bag out of my car. Not gonna' fib! It was really heavy! Texas guys, for the most part, are gentlemen. Texas people are very nice, mostly.

Struggling a bit to lift the bag, I took a deep breath to hoist it up into the dumpster. A big truck pulled over & a guy who I have talked to at the gym a few times, stepped out to help me. Had not seen him at the gym in 6 months or so. I smiled, no, I admit, I tried to smile! It was more of a grimace from the effort! It was up, over & into the dumpster before he got to me!

Then, it happened, he looked at me.

"You look like a girl who I talked to that works out at Anytime."

I replied, "Yep, that's my gym!"

Then he really looked at my face,"Girrrlll! I haven't seen you in a few months, I didn't recognize you! You look smaller every time I see you! Whatever you're doing, it's working! Keep doing it!"

Encouragement!

I smiled, "Just working out & lovin' life, dude! Have a good one!"

He's a Texas gentleman, a really good guy. I appreciated his words.

I need the encouragement. I needed it, today. Packing up the house I have lived in for 3 years while working 6 - 14 hour days on document translation, still working out 1 - 3 hours most days. It gets to be a bit much to handle.

Continuing on my way to the gym, I arrived, parked on the side of the gym. As I got out of my car, a girl who I sometimes talk to was just getting in  her car to leave. I said hello to her. She walked up to me and told me that she had been using the fitness tips I had given her. It was about natural eating and cranking the resistance on the elliptical machine and not holding on to the handles to strengthen abs.

She looked at me, "Ya know, you're an inspiration to me!"

I probably blushed and said, "Well, you're awesome sauce, too!"

She got in her car & left. Both of these people were so motivating, so inspiring to me, today. Just when I needed it the most.

My workout was only an hour, today, I have a lot to do to prepare to move. It was enough to give me a good burn, a good sweat.

Inspiration, motivation, perspiration, 3 great things in life.

They happened for me, today.....again!

Find your inspiration, it's everywhere when you look!

Peace out.

I Yam Who I Yam

Feeling quite prolific tonight!
Thoughts are going through my head in rapid fire succession!

Funny, I hear my sons words playing in a loop through my mind. He did this starting at 3 years old. Often it was at around 0400 hrs.
He would wake up, hungry, wanting me to get up, too. He would appear at the side of the bed, his angelic face just a couple inches from mine, his big brown eyes and sweet smile.

"Mommy? Iyawake. Mommy? I hungy. Pancakes, Mommy?
Mommy, you so beautiful. Mommy, I so hungy."

Adorable.

My son had a definite sense of who he was as well as what he wanted from a very early age. It was awesome to be his mother.

Maybe, he got this from me. Maybe.

From what relatives told me, I was the same way. Adults were not always listening nor co-operative, yet, I knew myself well at a remarkably young age.

I hated to drink milk. It grossed me out. My Kindergarten teacher tried to force me to drink milk. It wasn't pretty. My mother was called and she was not happy about it. She took me to the doctor who told her to give me a calcium supplement and stop forcing me to drink milk or to eat any milk products. It was cool after that. 

Knowing who I am and exactly what I do want and what I don't want has always been a part of who I am.

I'm also very in touch with my body.

It tells me what it needs, what it wants and the difference between the two, yet, only if I listen. Because of such body awareness, I will just say, many body processes of a private, personal nature are very pronounced, very natural to me. Okay. Enough said!!

The bottom line is that I know myself very well. Physically, sexually, spiritually, mentally, emotionally.

When I was married for a long time I was forced to conform to a culture that was very foreign to me. I had Filipino foods & culture rammed down my throat so continually that, for a time, I lost sight of my own identity. Forgetting my heritage and being forced to become someone who was not me, someone I didn't recognize.

After the divorce I began the process to turn back into who I really am.

As a bit of a Star Trek Next Generation aficionado, bear with me. In STNG, the species, The Borg, capture other humanoid species and transform them with nanotechnology injected into the bloodstream so that the persons individuality is crushed. Extracting the Borg implants from an individual is very painful, often unsuccessful.
It felt like that with me and having my individuality hijacked by Filipino culture. It was heavy, crushing, suppressive of who I was!

Turning back into who I really am was a slow, painful process. It seemed very threatening as well as unfathomable to many people. Many of them disappeared from my life. They had known me as the person  with her personality suppressed. Most, had not known me as the real me. The courageous, adventurous, fiercely independent firecracker that is who I really am!

The people who were willing to stick with me, roll with the exciting changes, they are still in my life.

Some people still identify me with Filipino culture.

NOPE

I am NOT Filipino whatsoever. In fact, much of the culture is repulsive to me, now. It represents slavery, suppression, bondage, forced to be something every part of me was kicking & screaming against.
There are a small number of things that do appeal to me, yet, very few. A few of the foods, that, really is the extent of it.
My kiddos have the brown eyes, the brown hair ~ yet ~ I see more of myself in them, their sweetness, their beauty, a part of me. So, I see the parts of me that my children inherited.
Let's just say, my son definitely got his height from my side of the family and none of my daughters have flat noses, flat bootys and definitely not flat chested!
You're welcome, my darlings. *smile*

Spending this time, remaining mostly single by choice, I have been able to reconnect with who I really am.
An example?
When assigned to Edwards AFB, I liked the test pilots. They liked me, too. They gave me the honorary callsign ~ Skychic. As in, a chick who looks really good going commando in a flightsuit! There's more to it, clean fun, I'll leave you to wonder.

Skychic, it feels right, it feels good to have this as a callsign. I even wrote a poem about turning back into that 20 yr old firecracker who I was, who I am now, again!

One of my daughters was very disturbed at the changes I was making. She saw me losing weight, changing the way I dressed, even the way I walked. My self confidence was back.
No, not trying to dress or look like a teenager, yet, re-inventing myself, re-designing who I am as a free spirited single girl!
It bothered her.
She is very out of touch with me, her siblings, not seeing me for sometimes 2 -3 years while I continued to evolve, to change, to grow as a person. Ever more self aware, continually evolving.
She was not around, so she was disturbed by the changes. She was off, in the world, living her life. She was on her own wonderful path of self discovery.
She even, once, remarked to me with a note of distress.

Me: Sweetie pie, this is the real me. This is Skychic!
Her: I never knew Skychic. I don't know who that was.
Me: Well, then, keep in closer touch, keep up.
Her: I don't think I like this new person, she's not my mom.
Me: I'm still your mom, I'm more myself, now.

The relationship suffered. She wanted me to go back to being someone I was not. Be who she wanted for her convenience.
NOPE
Scrambled eggs cannot be unscrambled.

All people, have, inside themselves, a wonderful person they were naturally born to be. Being pushed into the mould that someone else wants them to be causes resentment, anxiety, depression.

You have to be who you are. First, you have to know yourself. Then, you must let yourself be who and what you know you are!

Get down witcha badd thelf!

Seriously, be who you are.

You're wonderful!

Just as you are!

Peace out.