I Yam Who I Yam

Feeling quite prolific tonight!
Thoughts are going through my head in rapid fire succession!

Funny, I hear my sons words playing in a loop through my mind. He did this starting at 3 years old. Often it was at around 0400 hrs.
He would wake up, hungry, wanting me to get up, too. He would appear at the side of the bed, his angelic face just a couple inches from mine, his big brown eyes and sweet smile.

"Mommy? Iyawake. Mommy? I hungy. Pancakes, Mommy?
Mommy, you so beautiful. Mommy, I so hungy."

Adorable.

My son had a definite sense of who he was as well as what he wanted from a very early age. It was awesome to be his mother.

Maybe, he got this from me. Maybe.

From what relatives told me, I was the same way. Adults were not always listening nor co-operative, yet, I knew myself well at a remarkably young age.

I hated to drink milk. It grossed me out. My Kindergarten teacher tried to force me to drink milk. It wasn't pretty. My mother was called and she was not happy about it. She took me to the doctor who told her to give me a calcium supplement and stop forcing me to drink milk or to eat any milk products. It was cool after that. 

Knowing who I am and exactly what I do want and what I don't want has always been a part of who I am.

I'm also very in touch with my body.

It tells me what it needs, what it wants and the difference between the two, yet, only if I listen. Because of such body awareness, I will just say, many body processes of a private, personal nature are very pronounced, very natural to me. Okay. Enough said!!

The bottom line is that I know myself very well. Physically, sexually, spiritually, mentally, emotionally.

When I was married for a long time I was forced to conform to a culture that was very foreign to me. I had Filipino foods & culture rammed down my throat so continually that, for a time, I lost sight of my own identity. Forgetting my heritage and being forced to become someone who was not me, someone I didn't recognize.

After the divorce I began the process to turn back into who I really am.

As a bit of a Star Trek Next Generation aficionado, bear with me. In STNG, the species, The Borg, capture other humanoid species and transform them with nanotechnology injected into the bloodstream so that the persons individuality is crushed. Extracting the Borg implants from an individual is very painful, often unsuccessful.
It felt like that with me and having my individuality hijacked by Filipino culture. It was heavy, crushing, suppressive of who I was!

Turning back into who I really am was a slow, painful process. It seemed very threatening as well as unfathomable to many people. Many of them disappeared from my life. They had known me as the person  with her personality suppressed. Most, had not known me as the real me. The courageous, adventurous, fiercely independent firecracker that is who I really am!

The people who were willing to stick with me, roll with the exciting changes, they are still in my life.

Some people still identify me with Filipino culture.

NOPE

I am NOT Filipino whatsoever. In fact, much of the culture is repulsive to me, now. It represents slavery, suppression, bondage, forced to be something every part of me was kicking & screaming against.
There are a small number of things that do appeal to me, yet, very few. A few of the foods, that, really is the extent of it.
My kiddos have the brown eyes, the brown hair ~ yet ~ I see more of myself in them, their sweetness, their beauty, a part of me. So, I see the parts of me that my children inherited.
Let's just say, my son definitely got his height from my side of the family and none of my daughters have flat noses, flat bootys and definitely not flat chested!
You're welcome, my darlings. *smile*

Spending this time, remaining mostly single by choice, I have been able to reconnect with who I really am.
An example?
When assigned to Edwards AFB, I liked the test pilots. They liked me, too. They gave me the honorary callsign ~ Skychic. As in, a chick who looks really good going commando in a flightsuit! There's more to it, clean fun, I'll leave you to wonder.

Skychic, it feels right, it feels good to have this as a callsign. I even wrote a poem about turning back into that 20 yr old firecracker who I was, who I am now, again!

One of my daughters was very disturbed at the changes I was making. She saw me losing weight, changing the way I dressed, even the way I walked. My self confidence was back.
No, not trying to dress or look like a teenager, yet, re-inventing myself, re-designing who I am as a free spirited single girl!
It bothered her.
She is very out of touch with me, her siblings, not seeing me for sometimes 2 -3 years while I continued to evolve, to change, to grow as a person. Ever more self aware, continually evolving.
She was not around, so she was disturbed by the changes. She was off, in the world, living her life. She was on her own wonderful path of self discovery.
She even, once, remarked to me with a note of distress.

Me: Sweetie pie, this is the real me. This is Skychic!
Her: I never knew Skychic. I don't know who that was.
Me: Well, then, keep in closer touch, keep up.
Her: I don't think I like this new person, she's not my mom.
Me: I'm still your mom, I'm more myself, now.

The relationship suffered. She wanted me to go back to being someone I was not. Be who she wanted for her convenience.
NOPE
Scrambled eggs cannot be unscrambled.

All people, have, inside themselves, a wonderful person they were naturally born to be. Being pushed into the mould that someone else wants them to be causes resentment, anxiety, depression.

You have to be who you are. First, you have to know yourself. Then, you must let yourself be who and what you know you are!

Get down witcha badd thelf!

Seriously, be who you are.

You're wonderful!

Just as you are!

Peace out.