To My Daughter

I stitched this as I watched Victoria napping. Such a sweet memory.

When I see columbine flowers I think of you

They remind me of the sweet things you do

When I see a little girl with big eyes and beautiful smile

It makes me wish to hug you as it's been a long while

When I hear the melody of teach me to walk in the light

It makes me happy to try to always do what is right

When I make your favorite clam chowder meal

It makes me pause to send thoughts of I love you so

To you wherever you are & everywhere that you go

When I hear your adorable laugh in person or on the phone

Although I feel lonely at times it makes me feel less alone

I love you so much my darling daughter always on my heart

It carries me through so many months while we are apart

 

Goodbye

There are a multitude of studies regarding the effects of rejection upon the psyche of a person with abandonment issues. The effects range from pronounced irritation to mild anxiety to full blown panic attacks. Many people have even successfully committed suicide as they felt such acute sadness, coping was beyond their scope of capability.

Have you ever had that feeling when you lose someone? Whether it's because of rejection or death or possibly one following the other. It's still too painful for those sensitive souls who are very challenged. Lacking the coping skills to deal with it when some people might simply shrug it off. 

Then?

There are those who were born as a sensitive child with insensitive parents. Parents whose coping skills were at their limit at the time of the childs' birth. 

Maybe?

The parents were too selfish to care or unexpectedly had a child. Teenage parents with teenage coping skills, it bodes ill for the child. There may be some teenage mothers who cope just fine at first, yet the long haul, as in the birth of the child up to age 10 or so. Things are okay, not great, yet, okay. It becomes too much a decade later.

Too much responsibility too soon. Never having a full childhood.

This is only my personal perspective from observations, for a professional perspective you might need, well, a professional.

Receiving a professional opinion is often accompanied by a professional price tag. They will be sure to send the bill!

In truth, I started life as a sensitive child.

Having parents who were having a rough time already with babies being born one right after another after another then another. This is a formula for child neglect. This is something that is much less severe when the parents are in a better position. Better relationship with each other, better dependable income of a certain level.

It makes a difference.

Here, now, I know that I had some very severe abandonment issues starting in my childhood. It was compounded by people telling me that the events that I remembered, never happened.

It was some serious confuktion.

Later on in adulthood, people who were there in my childhood, teenage years, confirmed that it was reality. That I had remembered the traumatic events accurately.

What a relief!

As well as a let down.

It's difficult for me to imagine anyone being so cruel to a small, helpless child. Unfortunately it's more common than most people realize. It still goes on today all over the world.

Having abandonment issues was something I believe I have mostly  grown out of. Counselors would offer advice to me. Useless advice.

I suppose I had to figure it out on my own.

In my adolescence, it was so tough. When the fear of abandonment hit me, I would hurry home, sit on the floor in the back of a room, in a corner, facing the wall, draw my knees to my chest, in a fetal position. Pressing my face into the separation between my kneecaps. The shaking sensation, pounding heart. As much as I held back, the tears would start. Afraid to make a sound. Silently remaining in that position until the feeling had passed. Sometimes after a few minutes, sometimes as long as an hour or at least it felt like it.

With the military training I was going through, everything was new, exciting, the abandonment issues somewhat abated. At my first base, military assignment, the horrors I experienced, brought it all back even stronger. I had to find a way to cope. Per chance I found the base craft store. There was a macramé instructor holding an experimental class, guiding people to design & create their own project. 

I signed up!

Designing a hanging macramé table was slightly challenging. More fun, than anything. Something beautiful to create with my own 2 hands, imagination, creative energy. 

As the project began to take shape, there was no anxiety, even when something occurred that might have caused the dreaded panic of abandonment issues.

At the craft center, as the people in the class worked on their individual, projects, there was a feeling of comradery, community. 

More importantly?

It felt very safe.

The other students in the class had a hard time believing that I was a Security Forces E- 2. Basically, a USAF cop. That the sweet, slender blonde with big green eyes was actually a cop.

No one would taunt, rape, molest or assault me in this safe space, as it went on in other places by those who were in my military unit. We were all together working individually, creating beauty. When the class came to a closure as we had completed our projects, there was a potluck, a sort of celebration. 

This is the best photo I have of it.

I decided to start going to the beach more.

Did I mention that I was living in Hawai'i?  😎

As a single girl, I had my fair share of dating & break ups. It only made me stronger, better able to handle rejection as well as breaking things off with others as kindly as possible.

As I matured, learned, grew, it became even easier.

Then, as my marriage became abusive, eventually wearing away at my love, my feelings, my respect for the one I married.

Finally, I knew if I stayed I would commit suicide to get out of it.

Leaving was hard, it became easier with time as my counselor helped me to see that it was the best thing I could do to save my sanity.

Back in the dating world, it was horrible. A ray of light shone in, briefly, in the form of such a truly fine man who I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life, with.

Learning of his death was the very lowest point in my entire life.

Starting from square one, again, I had to build my confidence up, become strong, again. In truth, if I could have pressed a button to cause my death, I would have. Yup. It was like that.

In time, I built my strength through a series of divorce recovery classes. I went to the series of 13 week classes 3 times in Colorado. Then, again in 2012, in Texas, after a devastating painful event.

www.divorcecare.org

Having reached back into the past to the feeling of the time I created my beautiful hanging macramé table, I found the same peace from completing needlework projects, one by one.

Some projects were small, some were large. The feeling was the same.

There was still something niggling at my psyche that I was unaware as to where it came from or how it was affecting me. Later I learned that it was from MST/PTSD. Google it.

All of the assaults, harassments, terrifying experiences, which I had stuffed deep into my psyche, I was clueless that those incidents were still affecting me. Night terrors, hyper vigilance, depression, anxiety. Though I worked to suppress them, they were still there.

The Veterans Administration had to address these issues as thousands of military veterans were so affected by the sexual harassments & sexual assaults. It had been allowed to happen with so many people with those in positions of authority allowing it, covering up, saying it never happened.

There have been a few situations, where I have had to end a relationship or another person ended something with me.

Somehow, the last time, I believe I have conquered my abandonment issues. Instead of sorrow, loss, sadness, emptiness?

The feeling is relief, a rebirth, a feeling of sweet release, a feeling that something good or even better is headed toward me.

The last time I was deeply wounded by a situation was 9 years ago. A valuable life lesson that a person has to develop within themselves as it's much less effective if someone tries to teach another person.

I have become good at good bye!

Happy Christmas to HM The Queen

It's a known fact that people traveled from the UK enmass to what is the North American Continent, today. The first white or Caucasian peoples, to sail to the new world, with intent to colonize, spoke with an English accent.

My apologies, there will be no long history lesson, not today!

(possibly a short one)

As much as I love history, this will be on a somewhat lighter note. As the world is still in some turmoil, just as sure as the sun rises then sets, the date will arrive. Christmas will be here as sure as Chump Charlie dumped Princess Diana for Camilla Whoresface. Christmas day will get here!

For all that Queen Elizabeth II has done right, and she has been very diligent in fulfilling her promise to serve her people. Personally, I admire her vigor, her energy level, her very down to earth attitude. She has been on the throne longer than any UK Queen. Longer than her  Great Great Grandmother, Queen Victoria. Queen Victoria was famously feisty. At only 4'11' she detested it when people referred to her height or lack thereof.

The rows betwixt she with her husband, Albert, were frequent with many a stormy infamous episode. Albert was a very masculine person (yumm). He only did what men of his era did, still sometimes do, even in 2020. Try to take over & control his wife. Kinda hard, there, buddy, when your wife is the ruler of the most powerful nation in the world. They loved each other very passionately, also, they fought very passionately.

Her Majesty The Queen of the UK (Canada, too) Empress of India

Queen Victoria

(No queen had ever chosen that name when she ascended the throne)

My very favorite person in history. She became queen at 18 years of age, married at 21, had 9 healthy children. She raised her 9 children whilst ruling a nation.

Hers along with Prince Consort Albert's accomplishment list is so long, it would take up 3 more blog entries to list them.

Out of my love for Queen Victoria, as well as a friend who loved the name, I named my youngest daughter in my admiration for Queen Victoria I will list a few, if I may.

Thank you!

Queen Victoria:

~Started the tradition of brides wearing a white wedding dress.

~Hired a chemist to develop a more comfortable childbirth time.

~Was the first person outside of Germany to have a decorated, indoor tree at Christmas time. Complete with lighting.

~Donated funding to The Wright Brothers to develop a flying machine.

~She designed jewelry as a gift to the King & Queen of Hawai'i. It is still made, to this day, with the Olde English Script that the originals were designed with. Inlaid with black onyx lettering. It's known as Hawai'ian Heirloom Jewelry, is a gift given out of honor, of love.

~ Princess Kai'u'lani had Victoria as her first name in honor of her.

~Was the only Queen of the UK, or Europe to adopt a child from an African monarchy. She felt such compassion for a small girl who had been orphaned when a coo was successful. She legally adopted her.

~Victoria & Albert laid the groundwork to make basic education available to everyone regardless of gender, money or social status.

~ Victoria and Albert established the first lending library, free to the public to encourage people to read more, to better themselves.

So, now, you see. Queen Elizabeth II is descended from greatness.

If you would like to send a Christmas greeting to the Queen:

Her Majesty The Queen

Buckingham Palace

London, SW1A1AA

United Kingdom

A few helpful suggestions. ~ 

If you wish for a reply, you might write your first & last name, return address in the upper right corner aligned to the right with the date underneath.

It's considered proper to address the letter to the queen, starting with:

Madam

In place of "you", your majesty. In place of "your" such as "your holiday" is properly written as Your Majesty's Holiday.

Then decide if your correspondence is well wishes for a holiday or occasion such as a marriage, a birth or a holiday. Kindly state the purpose in the first sentence or very brief 1 - 2 sentences.

Hand written is preferred yet only if your penmanship is legible. If not, then written on a computer then printed out, personally signed with your title (Mr. or Ms. or whatever it is) along with your first & last name, is next best.

If your correspondence is brief whilst sticking to a brief letter of condolences, well wishes, a birthday, anniversary or congratulations. You, on a rare occasion may get a personally signed note in return or in a very very rare instance, a personally written reply.

The queen takes respite, celebrating Christmas at Sandringham House. She is there from the start of winter until February 6 which is the anniversary of the death of her much loved father in 1952.

Happy Christmas, Your Majesty! God save the Queen!

 

Pastel Thoughts

Today has a dreamy quality to it, for me. Am unsure as to why. It just feels like that. With the changing of the seasons, I'm eating very different foods. Lots of turkey, fresh juiced cranberries, carrot - ginger soup, sweet potato mash with macadamia nuts, scrambled eggs with salmon.

Could that be why?

As an intuitive person, I feel things. Lovely, spiritual things.

Recently, I have felt that there is someone or maybe a few someone's thinking about me.

Hopefully, it doesn't mean I have another stalker.

With the problems I've had with my sewer backing up, toilet over-flowing, people wrongfully accusing me of things I am innocent of.

Maybe it's simple relief that those situations have been worked out or worked themselves out.

Working Out

That may be part of the good feelings I'm having wash over me!

When my gym closed temporarily, I was so sad. I had fallen out of my workout habit. Had also fallen out of clean eating. No bueno!

Now that I'm getting back into a consistent workout habit, I do feel better.

Now that I have, for a few weeks, been regularly working on the needlework exchange project for a guy friend. It feels good to watch the beauty develop, watching the newest Star Trek saga unfold.

Even in north Texas, there's a bit of *SNAP* in the air!

It's a thought or a feeling thinking of someone

It's a room full of puppies with non stop fun

It's the soft jazz playing tickling the ivory's sound

It's the happy mood of the season that I've found 

It's the feeling you get when falling in love

It's the peace that sets in at the sign of the dove

It's the sweet surprise phone call from a long lost friend

It's words of kindly forgiveness which you finally send

It's time honored traditions kept over time

It's me ending these words as I've run out of rhyme

What do you see?

In a different light focus is so near

That which was hidden becomes very clear

People who you viewed as always mad

Seem different when you see the life they had

Roads and buildings look different when day is done

Until viewed again with the risen sun

People are quick to judge others who give them a fright

Turning away from the God vision of a gentle light

For our Father in Heaven sees us neither near nor far

He sees us for our hearts of intent as we truly are

 

Away in a Small Town, No Thanksgiving For me

It's Thanksgiving Day, November 26, 2020.

The people who had invited me to their home canceled. So, I went into coping mode. 

"People are about as happy as they make up their minds to be." Mark Twain aka Samuel Clemens.

It's different than I would choose, to spend the day, if I could choose, yet, it's what I have. Treating the day as if it were any other day makes a big difference.

I am a pariah, living in a small town. 

The one person I used to spend a lot of time with won't be available any longer, so, this is it. Many people will say that they would love it if they could just be alone, all the time. These same people also depend heavily upon others, so, most likely, they could not handle it even if they think they could.

Be careful what you wish for.

It takes a lot of adjusting, developing a way to cope, becoming more self sufficient, to be able to live happily single & alone by choice. Having always been a free spirit, it works well for me. Maybe, I simply make it work.

Maybe.

The stores were still opened when T-Day plans were canceled. I went out, bought a small turkey. I made foods tailored to my healthy lifestyle. Sweet potato mash with macadamia nuts is my favorite. A spinach avocado salad with a home made vinaigrette dressing.

Having pre-made a couple pies, I took a slice out of one, put the rest in the freezer along with the other whole one. What I really wanted to do was eat a whole one. Nope, I refrained.

Using more self restraint, I REALLY wanted to buy some wine or vodka & drink myself silly. (I'm silly after 1 or 2 glasses.)

Nope.

I made cranberry water, instead. A very simple recipe that has become my "go to" drink. Just fresh, whole cranberries, in the Nutri- Bullet with water & honey. Deeeee-lish!

As I looked online for a translating assignment, I found a huge document, submitted my consent to translate it. Eating slowly as I translated the document, it somewhat eased the pain. It helped me to disregard what day it was as page after page after page rolled on.

When the translating job was finished, a friend I have known since childhood, who lives in Ohio, phoned me. It was nice to talk at the end of the day. It was nice to hear a friendly voice, to talk with someone that I have such long history with. Someone who knows me well & still loves me!

Rounding out the day with the newest episode of Star Trek: Discovery while enjoying working on a needlework design. It was far from a traditional Thanksgiving. 

Still, I was with someone who loves me (ME!) & I had Star Trek!

The Suicide Season

It's here.

The start of The Suicide Season. This year will be one of the most difficult ones for many people all over the USA as well as the world.

 If you are not a maker of the golden rule, you won't be able to gather with family & friends for the holiday celebrations. Not without scorn or backlash in real life or on social media.

What is "The Golden Rule?"

The ones with the gold are the ones who make the rules that everyone else is expected to obey or face backlash for. If they are not doing as the popular consensus is doing out of blind, sheeple obedience, woe, woe, woe be unto them.

The holidays used to be a happy time for me. I worked my butt off to make sure everyone had what they wanted & needed, to the utmost of my ability. I was doing it by myself, mostly, as the huzz would go to bed, leaving me to work all through the night, alone.

Every year, it was like this.

Now?

My grown children have their families. They don't need me any longer. They have all the money they need. They have all the family they need. They don't need me for anything, now. Either that or they are following like sheeple in blind obedience.

Either way?

The holidays double suck azz for me, this year. Public gatherings for Thanksgiving turkey are cancelled. Public celebrations that I have gone to in the past are on the verge of being cancelled. 

I'm in a small town that I hope to move from in a couple years. If you don't have family here or are not from here or don't have buttloads of cash, you can hang it up, you're nobody.

I tried to fit in for the first 3 years. The people were surface friendly, they held me at arms length. Having been a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (the Mormons) for many years, I had hope that I would be accepted, when I moved to Texas, getting a fresh start.

Nope. I was not accepted, there. I was held at arms length. Finally, after 3 years of hoping to be accepted, it never happened. Members of the Ward would extend a vague invitation for lunch or dinner. Nine times out of ten, there was no firming of plans, there was no follow through. 

I would go home, after church, to cry into my pillow. Every Sunday. 

In addition to the LDS church, at different times, I attended 2 different Baptist churches, a Presbyterian Church. Different churches, same result. People would tell me how their church was "different", that it was more friendly than the others. That's a viewpoint from someone who is on the inside looking out.

Finally?

I gave up.

Having a similar experience with different religions, different churches, it became too painful, so, I stopped trying. There seemed to be a similar trend with dating when I found myself single after ending an abusive marriage.

One negative experience following another until I was sick of trying. The males out there in the world drove the point, into my brain, that males only want sex, nothing else. Males may say it's untrue, however, the actions of the males I met speak more loudly than the words of denial.

The common denominator was me, so, I took myself out of the equation. 

Withdrawing from the dating world while I still believe there are many good men in the world. Life became more peace filled.

Suicide is on the rise, right now, all over the USA, all over the world. It's so palpable. As an intuitive person, I feel it. The heaviness in the air is so strong.

Every year, when I have survived it. Every year that I don't commit suicide, is a frkn miracle to me. As it approaches, I feel it.

If you know someone who has this struggle, if you know of someone who struggles with feelings of hopelessness, reach out to them. COVID and social distancing be damned.

If someone is helped by my blog entry, by laying my feelings out, being vulnerable, when it helps someone, it would be something good.

I'm a Girl

This wrongful practice set in along with the annoying way people would end a statement with "up talk" as if they were asking a question instead of making a statement.

There IS a difference.

On the left, above, there is a female person, on the right is a male person.

If a server or any other person referred to a group of men as "Ladies" or as "Girls." It would be offensive to the men.

Why, then, is it deemed okay to refer to a group of both genders as well as a group of ladies, as "GUYS"?

This simple gaff seems terribly sexist.

Any dictionary definition clearly defines the classification of "GUYS"  as a reference to male personages. So, why is it okay to refer to a group of people who are clearly female as "GUYS"?

Being a proactive person, when this gaff is foisted at me, I will very clearly look down my shirt at my 34 DDs, then, announce something like, "I'm not a guy" or "I just checked, I'm a girl."

I know I am just one person, that it takes time for both correct or annoying practices to be replaced by the next thing.

Just as: 

Ridiculously wide bell bottom pants

Low rise jeans that showed off thongs/underwear

Up talk statements

Eating Tide Pods

These trends died down, much to the relief of many people who saw through to how wrongly ridiculous, the trends were. I am hoping that, in time, people will abandon the sexist trend of referring to ladies as "GUYS", once they regain their senses.

By the same token, it would be equally wrong to begin a practice of referring to a group of mixed company or of men, as "LADIES."

Because I am definitely all female, I hope that, I will eventually be exclusively referred to a girl or a lady or a woman.

Never to be referred to as "a Guy" again.

tyvm 

Genuine

When you meet or "find" someone who is genuine, down to earth, the real deal. Whatever you wish to call it. You have found a treasure. It's important to me to give my best effort to be the same in person as I am online. Many people, having met so many fake people, seriously doubt my sincerity.

People who are very real are becoming increasingly rare.

People who will tell you truths.

People who will be themselves even when it's difficult or unacceptable.

People who have no agenda, hidden or otherwise.

Some celebrity examples of a genuine person? Glad you asked!

Olivia Newton John

Keanu Reeves

Chris Martin (Coldplay)

Sarah Palin

Authentic people are becoming fewer as well as far between, with fakes appearing everywhere.

Having people in my life who I know to be genuine whether I have met them in person or we found each other online, it was a very fortuitous happenstance. 

After my long marriage ended, I found myself living alone for the very first time in my life. A guy I had known only as a friend, came charging toward me when he learned that I was single. 

When he and I met, he knew that I was married, that I was unavailable. I lived near the US Air Force Academy, loved going there to ride the horses at the stables or to walk around the visitors center. It seemed that nearly every time I was walking around the visitors center, he would appear. I knew he was extremely busy with school, he would walk with me for a short time, usually 5 minutes or so.

In actuality, I thought he might be missing his mother!!!

It was quite a surprise when he told me, 2 months after the divorce,  that he had fallen in love with me at first sight.

Wait, what????

He was 20 years younger than me, I only thought of him as a friend.

Our relationship began in earnest. He was so sincere. He made it clear to me that he wanted me to marry him. He bought a beautiful ring for me. White gold with a sparkling pink, heart shaped sapphire. He wanted me to wear it to show that I was taken.

*shock*

He was such a gentleman. His soft Georgia drawl was so charming.

He was only in Colorado on military leave halfway through a deployment. When he had to go back to the Middle East, we messaged each other online, talked for hours via web cam. We talked of future plans. A custom built home in Peach Tree, Georgia, 2 children, a dog, a couple horses. Raise our little family near his family. So happy.

When he was shot down, killed, my world began to unravel. I wanted to die, too. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, it was so severe. I turned to social media sites to fill the lonely hours. I researched ways to commit suicide. 

That's when Peter and I found each other.

I felt a connection to him immediately. He and I messaged each other, traded photos, talked on the phone, on Skype. He wasn't Michael, Peter was his own person. A very genuine, smart, funny, intuitive person. 

The anxiety & depression was still with me until one night, I decided on my suicide method. It seemed that Peter sensed this, the phone rang, it was him. He had seen my last message as a sort of goodbye. The phone stopped ringing, then, it started again. This went on for 20 minutes when, finally I picked the phone up. Peter and I talked for almost 5 hours that night. He talked me out of killing myself.

Peter saved my life.

He and I have never met in person, in real life. He is still a constant presence. We text, sometimes we talk. He wrote a screenplay, even acted in the movie he directed from the script he wrote. I love watching the movie, online! 

Check it out!

Junction - Directed by Peter Garrett 

https://youtu.be/ZPE47ZMYS5w

(you might have to copy & paste)

Maybe, someday, we will meet in person, talk for hours. Solve the worlds problems. Bring about world peace, cure cancer.

Just kidding, yet, I'm sure he and I would always have something interesting to discuss!

In a world of fakes, people will use the "fake a future" method to accomplish their agenda with other people. This insidious practice is so painful for the victims. So much is so artificial, in the world that nearly everyone as well as everything has to be regarded as suspect until it's proven to be otherwise.

It restores a bit of my faith in humanity to meet someone genuine.

Falling in Love

The title of this blog entry can refer to so much!

My aunt May says "People don't fall in love, they fall in horse crap. Most people don't know the difference."

There is so much out there in the world, a person could live in excellent health for a thousand years with still more to discover! Equally true of this, is that there are millions of needlework patterns, designs, colors plus oh! So much more!!!

When life hurts me, I retreat into a respite, taking time to heal. Once I have gotten to the point where the pain has diminished to somewhat of a dull ache? At that point, I know just what it is that can pull me up out of that dark place. Something, not someone. I got myself into that mess, it's my sole responsibility to get myself out.

It's a learning, growing, lessons learned kinda thaaang.

At this stage of healing, I spy a needlework design that pings me.

(In a good way)

Some people will hop from relationship to relationship over and over, hoping to make themselves feel better. Hoping the other person will make them feel whole again. Finding it hard to be alone.

For you people out there, who can't stand to be alone? 

Here's a big warm hug for you. 

I get it, truly, I understand. 

The whole world is 98% set up for twosies. It drives the knife into the hearts of those who have not found their person. Also people who have found their person, yet, still feeling a void. Also, those who thought they found their person only to end up being hurt, disappointed, miserable. Ditto for those who had that person whom they lost into the cruelty of losing them to death.

I get that, too!

The solace for me, is to start a new needlework project. When I see a new design. When I see just the pattern or the completed one, it speaks to my heart. I have to stitch it!

Starting a new project evokes, within me, the exact same feelings of falling in love, in a good way. 

In a safe way.

The beautiful linens are a clean canvas that whispers to me of things yet to be. Endless possibilities of impending beauty. The colors that range from a bright white to a deep rich ebony black. With every hue, every shade of every color you could think of plus a million more that swirl in my mind in a dancing, magical kaleidoscope.

There are sparkling fibers, textured fibers, soft flat colors, shiny colors for a bit of glitz without being bawdy. There are even fibers that glow in the dark in 6 different colors. There are fuzzy fibers to add to Santa's beard or the fluffiness of a sheep or other animals.

There are beads in multiple sizes, colors, shapes. There are even beads that have stripes or tiny flowers painstakingly painted on them.

There are little charms of every shape, color, subject, size, patina, material you could ever imagine. Then?

A million or more in addition to that.

When I begin a project, the serotonin goes way up. The dopamine turns me into a mass of bliss. Steady hands, heart aquiver! As I work, the feeling stays steady. As the design forms, it spurs me on!

Sleep? What's that?

Food? Nah, I'm good.

Water? Maybe a little!

Time? It stands still as I stitch whilst the world marches on.

Having fallen in love with a design, it feels impossible to stop. Many passionate stitchers of that ilk will know the meaning of:

"Just one more stitch!"

turns into

"Just one more row."

turns into

"I'll just finish this section."

turns into

"There's so much of this color, I'll finish the stitches in this color."

turns into

"Wow, 8 pm? NOPE! 8 am!"

Passionate needleworkers everywhere, even passionate crafters can most likely attest to the consuming passion of a creative buzz.

To me?

It feels like I've passionately, safely, fallen in love!

Hey, it's much better than turning to ONS's, drugs, overspending, alcohol or adding one more cat when you already have 20!

It's better to be chartlady than it is to be the catlady.

Unless you're this catlady!

It's all about passion

One aspect of life, for me, that has been consistent is needlework. It's less as a hobby, more of a passion, even an obsession. It's been a joy giving, peace giving, comforting constant presence. The love of needlework has stayed. Friends, lovers, children, family. They have all flitted in then out of my life at different times, different stages.

Love for needlework has remained. 

At times, when the pain of living in the world has stolen my peace, my ability to focus, my albondigas. It was necessary to go on hiatus from needlework. People who know me well, know that if I have taken a break from doing needlework, something in my life has hurt me. 

When I have attempted to stitch whilst in a state of unrest, I screw it up 100 ways til Tuesday! It takes focus, concentration. Believe or disbelieve, those two aspects can be different.

Doing self analysis has been lifelong for me. Constantly having to adjust, then readjust as life swirled around me. Forces of grief at the hands of abusive parents, losing my dear grandfather, losing a younger sister, a brother. The horrors of the dating world when I found myself single again after a long marriage. Like a weeble toy, sometimes I may wobble, might even fall down. 

I GET BACK UP!!

There has to be something to grab onto to pull myself out of whatever rabbit hole has snared me. Can you guess what it is?

Mmm Hmm.

My love, my passion for needlework. The beauty that slowly materializes before my eyes. Like a picture that is so blurred that it's impossible to be able to see exactly what it is. As I stitch, the design begins to appear in colors, patterns, flowers, stars, trees, butterflies.

Little buzzy bees develop wings.

Birdies appear before my eyes with little beaks, graceful wings, brightly colored feathers. Sometimes, a majestic eagle. Sometimes, a beautiful face or a studly figure of a man.

Maybe, it's the satisfaction of stabbing something a thousand times in one day. idk.

Again, people who really know me, also know that though I finish projects, I probably have over 100 in different stages of completion at any given time. Guilty of loving needlework, as charged!

People will also ask me that somewhat annoying question, 

"Do you really need that?"

(Need has zip zero nada to do with it!)

"Why don't you just finish all of them?"

"Why do you have so many?"

"What are you going to do with it?"

"Why do you start so many, then stop?"

The answer to these questions is simple for me. For, I know myself very well. Knowing what drives me, what delights me, what I love!

There are so many extraordinary needlework designers out there, busy people! These people who design the beautiful patterns I love are producing their patterns faster than I can stitch.

BUT I WANT TO!!!!!

Having met two celebrities in the needlework world ~ Alma Lynne ~ a self made needlework designer who was so gracious, so kind! When I went to Myrtle Beach, SC for a needleworkers retreat, I met her. It was the last day of the retreat, I had to pack up to leave my hotel room. I had a late night, the night before, walking on the beach for several hours. I listened to the ocean, felt the cool salt air and spray on my face. I went to bed late, so, I woke up late! I packed quickly, lugged my suitcase into the ball room, found a side room to re-pack in a more orderly manner. Alma Lynne saw me slip into the side room, she entered the room to check on me. 

I COULD NOT BELIEVE MY EYES!

She had the impact of Marilyn Monroe walking through the door!

She was so sweet, so kind, so warm. She helped me re-pack my suitcase, gave me a few tips. I will always remember that magical moment!

When I learned of a Mirabilia Minions Retreat in San Antonio, TX, in May 2018, I felt the same electrical excitement. There is quite a bit more to this, yet, for the sake of brevity, I will say, I went! Meeting Nora Corbett was definitely a dream come true for me. She is an introverted, somewhat quiet person who produces legendary, beautiful designs. Again, Nora Corbett was so warm, friendly, gave her undivided attention to so many people who wanted to talk to her, have photos taken with her. Although the other stitchers were very cliquish, with a snobbish element akin to Junior High? It was still such a joy to be there. I would do it again in a heartbeat.

My favorite design from Nora, which I have personally stitched, is one that reminds me of my son, when he was a baby. I held him, time seemed to stand still. 

Those precious moments are frozen in my heart.

When a gorgeous, intricate design is so fresh from the printers, the needlework community goes into buzz mode. Posting pictures on social media, sending my brain into overdrive!!!!!

The most riveting, the most important part?

Stay tuned.