Goodbye

There are a multitude of studies regarding the effects of rejection upon the psyche of a person with abandonment issues. The effects range from pronounced irritation to mild anxiety to full blown panic attacks. Many people have even successfully committed suicide as they felt such acute sadness, coping was beyond their scope of capability.

Have you ever had that feeling when you lose someone? Whether it's because of rejection or death or possibly one following the other. It's still too painful for those sensitive souls who are very challenged. Lacking the coping skills to deal with it when some people might simply shrug it off. 

Then?

There are those who were born as a sensitive child with insensitive parents. Parents whose coping skills were at their limit at the time of the childs' birth. 

Maybe?

The parents were too selfish to care or unexpectedly had a child. Teenage parents with teenage coping skills, it bodes ill for the child. There may be some teenage mothers who cope just fine at first, yet the long haul, as in the birth of the child up to age 10 or so. Things are okay, not great, yet, okay. It becomes too much a decade later.

Too much responsibility too soon. Never having a full childhood.

This is only my personal perspective from observations, for a professional perspective you might need, well, a professional.

Receiving a professional opinion is often accompanied by a professional price tag. They will be sure to send the bill!

In truth, I started life as a sensitive child.

Having parents who were having a rough time already with babies being born one right after another after another then another. This is a formula for child neglect. This is something that is much less severe when the parents are in a better position. Better relationship with each other, better dependable income of a certain level.

It makes a difference.

Here, now, I know that I had some very severe abandonment issues starting in my childhood. It was compounded by people telling me that the events that I remembered, never happened.

It was some serious confuktion.

Later on in adulthood, people who were there in my childhood, teenage years, confirmed that it was reality. That I had remembered the traumatic events accurately.

What a relief!

As well as a let down.

It's difficult for me to imagine anyone being so cruel to a small, helpless child. Unfortunately it's more common than most people realize. It still goes on today all over the world.

Having abandonment issues was something I believe I have mostly  grown out of. Counselors would offer advice to me. Useless advice.

I suppose I had to figure it out on my own.

In my adolescence, it was so tough. When the fear of abandonment hit me, I would hurry home, sit on the floor in the back of a room, in a corner, facing the wall, draw my knees to my chest, in a fetal position. Pressing my face into the separation between my kneecaps. The shaking sensation, pounding heart. As much as I held back, the tears would start. Afraid to make a sound. Silently remaining in that position until the feeling had passed. Sometimes after a few minutes, sometimes as long as an hour or at least it felt like it.

With the military training I was going through, everything was new, exciting, the abandonment issues somewhat abated. At my first base, military assignment, the horrors I experienced, brought it all back even stronger. I had to find a way to cope. Per chance I found the base craft store. There was a macramé instructor holding an experimental class, guiding people to design & create their own project. 

I signed up!

Designing a hanging macramé table was slightly challenging. More fun, than anything. Something beautiful to create with my own 2 hands, imagination, creative energy. 

As the project began to take shape, there was no anxiety, even when something occurred that might have caused the dreaded panic of abandonment issues.

At the craft center, as the people in the class worked on their individual, projects, there was a feeling of comradery, community. 

More importantly?

It felt very safe.

The other students in the class had a hard time believing that I was a Security Forces E- 2. Basically, a USAF cop. That the sweet, slender blonde with big green eyes was actually a cop.

No one would taunt, rape, molest or assault me in this safe space, as it went on in other places by those who were in my military unit. We were all together working individually, creating beauty. When the class came to a closure as we had completed our projects, there was a potluck, a sort of celebration. 

This is the best photo I have of it.

I decided to start going to the beach more.

Did I mention that I was living in Hawai'i?  😎

As a single girl, I had my fair share of dating & break ups. It only made me stronger, better able to handle rejection as well as breaking things off with others as kindly as possible.

As I matured, learned, grew, it became even easier.

Then, as my marriage became abusive, eventually wearing away at my love, my feelings, my respect for the one I married.

Finally, I knew if I stayed I would commit suicide to get out of it.

Leaving was hard, it became easier with time as my counselor helped me to see that it was the best thing I could do to save my sanity.

Back in the dating world, it was horrible. A ray of light shone in, briefly, in the form of such a truly fine man who I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life, with.

Learning of his death was the very lowest point in my entire life.

Starting from square one, again, I had to build my confidence up, become strong, again. In truth, if I could have pressed a button to cause my death, I would have. Yup. It was like that.

In time, I built my strength through a series of divorce recovery classes. I went to the series of 13 week classes 3 times in Colorado. Then, again in 2012, in Texas, after a devastating painful event.

www.divorcecare.org

Having reached back into the past to the feeling of the time I created my beautiful hanging macramé table, I found the same peace from completing needlework projects, one by one.

Some projects were small, some were large. The feeling was the same.

There was still something niggling at my psyche that I was unaware as to where it came from or how it was affecting me. Later I learned that it was from MST/PTSD. Google it.

All of the assaults, harassments, terrifying experiences, which I had stuffed deep into my psyche, I was clueless that those incidents were still affecting me. Night terrors, hyper vigilance, depression, anxiety. Though I worked to suppress them, they were still there.

The Veterans Administration had to address these issues as thousands of military veterans were so affected by the sexual harassments & sexual assaults. It had been allowed to happen with so many people with those in positions of authority allowing it, covering up, saying it never happened.

There have been a few situations, where I have had to end a relationship or another person ended something with me.

Somehow, the last time, I believe I have conquered my abandonment issues. Instead of sorrow, loss, sadness, emptiness?

The feeling is relief, a rebirth, a feeling of sweet release, a feeling that something good or even better is headed toward me.

The last time I was deeply wounded by a situation was 9 years ago. A valuable life lesson that a person has to develop within themselves as it's much less effective if someone tries to teach another person.

I have become good at good bye!