While there is time

Who do you love?
What matters most to you?

These 2 questions. OMGoodness.

Having been on the earth for a short time, I can still see that these 2 questions are simple, they are also complex at the same time.

If you have had a "falling out" with someone aka a break up, a break down in communication, an argument, a misunderstanding, okay, enough info, lol!

Recently, I have had someone, who I had, had a disconnect with, contact me. He was humble, he was kind, sincere. His words melted my heart toward him. He is a friend, a close friend. No romance involved, a very strong connection. It felt very healing.

If you have had this happen, the best time to mend a broken heart, apologize, reach out with love, is ~

NOW

If you, yes YOU are reading this right now, this message is for you.

My mother was the same age as I am right now, when she died. She and I had a falling out. We neither spoke nor saw each other for the last 20 years of her life.
She was WAY too young to die.

The opportunity to make amends was lost when she passed on.

Hipocrisy is one of my pet peeves. Recently, I reached out to a loved one (taking my own advice!) who there has been no contact with since 2015. 
It was a risk, a chance for rejection, also a chance for reconciliation.
This person was so gracious as we spoke for over an hour. We renewed our relationship, there was a mending. It has put a sweet feeling in my heart, a greater peace.
It was something I neither expected nor could have predicted.

Take a chance, dear readers.

You will only know if you reach out to someone you still love.

I'm Glad HE Said it!

I follow other bloggers sometimes. 

Why?

For inspiration, for information, sometimes just for the halibut. 😁😁

The Rambling Father is one of my favorites. David Casler is married to Maria Kang, a fitness goddess/guru. He is also a military veteran who survived a TBI. Not just survived, though, he has trod the long road back to physical, mental, emotional health. From strength and health to near destruction, loss, pain and back to strength and health. 

He is that courageous alpha male who is brave enough to give life to that softer side that so many men fear, avoid, deny vehemently!

He's the MAN!

He admits to his flaws, even embraces them at times. He and his beautiful bride, together, speak of that which many people can't even admit, not even to themselves.

Recently, on The Rambling Father blog spoke volumes in one meme. The photo, alone is soul searing. The truth in the words is equally searing. 

If a woman had written what was written in his recent blog entry, she would have some nasty backlash lobbed at her for days, possibly even weeks! She would be called a "disgusting feminist", a "feminist troll", a man hater, a man basher, etc etc etcetera!!!!!!!!

No.

David has put into words, centered around this meme, something that most people know, yet, dare not say. Maybe the sheer articulation escapes them or they aren't emotionally strong enough to handle the vicious backlash that would follow.

As his words describe the pain that some people have had put upon them by those who claimed to love them, the tears of recognition streamed down my face.

I have felt the deep and jagged stabs into my heart.

I am one of the walking wounded who knows that I can't withstand any more of the pain that a broken heart wields.

I keep myself to myself to protect myself from anymore of the pain that others would inflict.

Maybe they wouldn't.

I can't take that chance. 

Not again.

If a man were to want to get to know me, he would have to be so patient and transparent for me to take that risk.

The demons in my head will only remain silent because they are allowed to sleep undisturbed, safe from such emotional pain.

In my solitary living, I find happiness, peace, flashes of excitement from time to time. It's a good life.

I'm financially comfortable, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually healthy. I had to work so hard to get to this sweet spot.

It's a life of singledom, celibacy, creative expression through creating beauty in the manipulation of cotton threads, silk threads, linen, silk fabrics, tiny sparkling crystals. Sparkling blends of viscose and metallic fibers bring the beautiful to life at my hands.

Those males in the world who use women for their bodies, speaking lies, flashing their smiles, they inflict so much pain, then flit away, uncaring as to the harm they have done.

My love and care and compassion goes out to these guys who inflict such heartbreak. Their actions broadcast to those who recognize it as one whose storm rages inside their hearts, their minds. Their inner demons are alive, raging in a life of constant torment. 

I would like to say to these guys:

"Find your peace within before you leak your poison onto the woman who put her trust in you to treat her kindly. Instead, your callousness only damages her. If you won't love her at least don't lie to her, use her, hurt her so that she despises even the good men."

Soul Searches

Are you searching for another soul?
Are you empty within your own heart?
Some one to make you feel whole?
From that which was torn apart?

Searching everywhere outside of your being
The answers are actually more within
With blinders on you are not seeing
The road to take to where you begin

Happiness in a bottle is always fleeting
Happiness in a lovers bed is hollow
Such a meaningless sexual meeting
Which dissolves with mornings glow

Search within your mind and your spirit
For that which will set your world upright
You will know the answer when you hear it
Go inward to find your way to the light

Being offered what I used to want when I no longer want it

That's a l o n g title for one of my blogs. I like to keep it short & sweet, like me. 
The title breaks my records for title length.
It's a big topic. Maybe that's why!

I chose to end my long marriage. I was so miserable in it, I would have eventually killed myself if I had stayed. It was for the better.
My one regret is how much it hurt my precious children.

My thought process was that it would be easy to find a good man, get married again. I'd remain single just long enough to become stable, recovered, yeah. It went very differently.

There are many good, decent men in the world. In spite of my own personal experience, I believe this. It simply didn't work for me.

This is the opposite of man-bashing. It's me-bashing.

The guys I encountered all had one aspect in common. Me.
Therefore, I will accept responsibility.

I dated several military guys (the place where I was living was just crawling with 'em!). I dated an English Architect. 2 guys that were members of S.W.A.T. teams. There were a few guys who were 10 - 25 years younger than me. I found that younger men and I got along the best. The older guys were too tired, too bitter, bad health.

It was a roller coaster ride, usually fun, often times, not. I was also severely beaten because of one of them.
When I stopped to count, I was emotionally hurt as well as heart broken by guys who told me some big lies, ghosted on me, 35 times in 7 years. Some of them simply went full a-hole on me when they didn't get what they wanted from me. I put the kibosh on that.
I wasn't sleeping around, that's never been my style.

By the time I moved to Texas in 2012, I had decided to steer clear of the manthrax!  😁

If you have ever heard dating advice, to ~
"Get out there! They won't come knocking on your door to meet you!"

B.S.

I was living on a dead end street in a very small town, the guys came knocking on my door. Salesmen who wanted me to have lunch or dinner with them. College guys who saw me putting gas in my car & asked where I lived. A couple guys from the Auto Zone store where I bought some car accessories.
Then, a guy who I had dated when I was 20 found me on the internet.
I was already set on being happily single for the rest of my life at this point. Too many hits from snakes had taken its toll.

He convinced me to relent. Give him a second chance.

My Big Fat Mistake. LOL!

You can probably guess how it ended. Yeah. I was emotionally hurt so badly, that was it for me.
I'm grateful to him.
He was the final straw. My heart turned to concrete.
He really did do a favor for me. His leading me on, then letting me drop flat, with such agonizing pain, it took away my desire to ever have a guy in my life, again.

The paradox is that I love romance. Flowers, soft flowing clothes, love songs, love poems. I create romance in my life, by myself, for myself. It's beautiful & sweet with zero risk of heart break.
Also, I love weddings! 
Zero desire to be the bride, just give me the pretty clothes, the happy, smiling faces, the flowers & cake! 
Hmm, I think that's called a birthday party! 
I love those, too!

When I hear my single female friends lament about wanting a guy in their life, in their bed ~ ANYTHING! I am grateful to Mr.2012 for killing that desire in my heart.
In the aftermath, I went out with my neighbor a few times, he was such chopped liver! 
He only had 1 eye and no hair. UGH!
Then, the alcoholic that my land lady fixed me up with. I don't know what he was like sober, he was sloshed all 3 times we went out. 
Then there was the one who told such obvious lies. We went out for about 5 months. I didn't let him kiss me as long as he was lying so much. 
I told these guys that I would not do anything with them that I wouldn't do with my son. That sums it up.

I felt nothing at all for these guys, just friends, at the very most.

My heart was locked with concrete walls around it.
Thank you, Mr.2012. The guys who took me out after you decimated my ability to trust, they hate you, I'm grateful to you.

So, I work out at the gym, take good care of myself because I enjoy it.

***There are very few guys who could ever cut through the wall around my heart. It would have to be a very strong connection.
I have met a few so, I'm sure there are some, yet, very few.***

Being single & celibate is really a happy & peaceful life for me.

Recently, possibly because of warm Spring weather, guys have been approaching me. 
I have compassion for them, when they ask for my number or want to give me theirs, I tell them as politely as I can ~
"Thank you for asking, I'm not interested."

I KNOW it takes some confidence & courage to approach a girl who catches a guy's attention. I want to be kind, always.

There has been 8 just in the past week. I wonder if I smell like steak? 
BBQ chicken? chocolate? pork chop? LOL!

When I hear the bla-bla-bla about guys being so clueless, lacking intuition, simple minded. I call B.S.

(I'm not talking Brown Sugar..maybe that's what my scent is?)

It's just a fact that I am average in looks, above average in smarts. Mostly, I'm a happy person, I smile most of the time. I have been told that it makes me seem more approachable.
Olivia the grouch is unattractive!
(See what I did, there?)

The only theory I can think of to explain it is the thrill of the hunt, the chase. Possibly, these guys can sense that I'm unavailable. 
The "Wanting whom you know or perceive you can't have"

It's possible, I might be giving off that vibe. idk.

Guys can pick up what I'm laying down. LOL!

Life is good for me. 
Happy. 
Peaceful. 
Flashes of occasional excitement.

If it's working, it's best to keep doing it.

Peace.

LG

LG can be a logo, intials, a proclamation.

For me?

Although the LG logo is designed to mean, "Life's Good", it's more of the true meaning for me, right now.

PEEPS!

Life is GOOD for me, right now! The controlling, mean spirited boogers from the past are all partying together, without me! Or maybe they are partying solo or with someone else.
It ain't me! 
LOL!

Life has taken on so many positive aspects. Most of these aspects are something I've had to patiently work for, some were sheer luck.

Um, yeah, I'll take it!

This "aha" hit me tonight when a true blue bff called me up then took me out to dinner. It was unexpected. It was yummy!

I have a pretty good life. I focus on the now, plan for the future, feel gratitude for the happy- joy-joy that comes to me.

One element that keeps me grounded & moving forward with time is, are ya ready?

Anything new.

New music, new technology, new movies, new ideas.

New

Anything

Staying with being legal, reasonably safe, maybe a little over the top ~ I do one thing each day that scares me. 
This will give my heart just a little faster pitter pat.
This will make my nerves jump, just a little!
This will cause my brain to have a slight ~ Uh-oh moment.

I have to say, that every time I do that one thing for the day that scares me, I can, often actually feel some serotonin uptake.

You can call it the sensation of common sense leaving my brain or maybe a cerebral warning bell.
You can, I'll ignore you, yet, you can say that. Ha ha!

It's been a lotta-lotta years that I have been doing this. I would guestimate that it's been 15 years. idk.
All that I know is that it's doing great things, so, I keep doing it. 

The act of doing this is that I keep moving forward.

Sometimes I hit a speed bump or a stall & it bound me momentarily. 
Examples?
Do you want example?
Mkay.

~ Every time I allowed my heart to be broken (too many times!)
~ Allowing myself to get caught up in someone else's circus.
~ Letting another person into my life who had control issues

3rd time's a charm, lol, I'm stopping there.

Yay!

Did you notice something? Admitting to myself also anyone else reading this, that I allowed it. Yup. I did.
Lived & learned, refraining, now.
This is me, refraining.

Tonight, at dinner, my bff Texas said something that is such a simple truth. We went to Neri's Bistro. My fave place in town!
It was surf & turf, baby!
Neri's is a bit pricey for dinner, they are the healthiest, best food in this town. We both knew around how much $$ it would be. When the bill came, my bff said ~ 
"We can do this, we're worth it!"  

I concur.

LG

Only Human

It's whispered on the wind
Written in the stars
A little bit of Venus
A little bit of Mars
Sweetness and light
Passionate fire
All that will nurture
All that you admire
As hard as you fight
As much as you pretend
In the quiet of your sleepless night
Love for her will win in the end

Entrance

Sometimes someone comes into your life, then into your heart. It feels so familiar that it hurts to be apart. This someone is one who just feels it as they just "get" you. They understand all that you say as well as all the silly things you do.

Everything about this dear heart feels warm so exciting and so sweet. You feel special like you are embraced by the world every time the two of you meet. Time spent together is a feeling of purely surreal magic. Time spent apart for a few hours feels so long that it feels like something so tragic.

Have you ever felt this, this exciting once in a lifetime delicious feeling? It knocks you down as it builds you up with a giddy heart racing feeling. It's a Hallmark Romance that is written just for the two romantics you are. It was prayed for wished for upon a so holy Bethlehem star.

If you have been fortunate enough to feel this once in a lifetime heart to heart spirit to spirit. The melody of fore ordained meeting in which only your two hearts can hear it. This is connection this is only the start if both people will yield. All the pain of life can be forgotten as the wounds on your hearts are healed. 

Choose carefully then love longingly when you two are so fortunate to find. The other half of your souls your hearts who matches you in body in mind. Age has no meaning when souls commune with the one where time has no sting. Feeling and soul ties matter the most in fact they mean everything

Trolling Around

The beauty of the internet is the ability of most people to do what they do, say what they say, in relative anonymity.

The sadness of the internet is that many people use it to lie to others, cheat on their S.O.'s, hurl insults at others with no consequences, most of the time.

The truth is that many people admit to using the internet for one, a few of these acts or, gosh, all of these!
Some people do this yet will never admit.

There was a time period in my life when I was quite sad, angry, confused. 
After ending a soured marriage which I dearly paid for. 
I paid for all divorce costs, financially.
Also, I paid for it spiritually, emotionally, psychologically.

The single & dating world had changed in a thousand ways while I was busy keeping a hot bed for a male who didn't appreciate it. The days which melted into weeks, then months, then years & decades of sweet babies, laundry, home cooked meals, hand made gifts, Sunday dinners around a beautifully set table.

When it was done & dusted, I got out there into the dating world and PEEPS!
It was not heartbreak city, it was a whole heartbreak world.

These precarious interactions with the result being the same. My heart was bruised, battered, sliced, diced until I began to turn into a very unhappy version of myself.
Being angry, hurting deeply, becoming bitter, I began to act & react in ways that are very far from who I am.

Yeah, I was in deep pain which caused me to troll the internet, saying some things that were very mean. It was an expression of all the mean, wrong, unkindness's that had been heaped upon me.

I trolled.

I engaged in useless barbs with soul-less people who were quite possibly in as much pain or maybe more than me.
In time, taking a step (or 10) back, I realized that this was a waste of my time.
Even more?
It was a waste of my heart.
A waste of time.

In time, the futility of trading barbs with people, hiding behind the net, whom I did not truly know, who had no idea of myself, it became apparent. This was a waste.
Even further?
Hatred, bitterness, anger, mean-ness are all so toxic to the one eschewing them as well as the fragrance of it that clings slightly to the recipient.
It's a shame, a waste, a by-product of emotional pain.

No Bueno!

At a point, several years, earlier, I saw, even felt, a shift inside me.

It was then, that I began to eschew kindness, well wishes, sincerely, for the cursing, insults, mean spirited remarks.
From time to time I will throw a little shade. 
Much less than I used to, yet, I know how to be assertive online, in person, yeah.

From the deceit, lies, emotional pain they may be feeling, these hurt ones are now acting as trolls, spewing their hatred anonymously onto people they know very little to nothing about.

My troll time is O-V-E-R over.

The job passes on to someone else.

It's some other beings time to find their way to the light.

It's much better to communicate with others in a kind way, a way that helps, a way that will put a little sunshine on their heart. 

Maybe a lil trollish occasionally, yet very rarely.

Have to let the wild out a little sometimes.

Peace.

When Life Closes In

When you think, how do you think? Do you let your mind swing like a monkey from tree to tree?
Do you focus intently with real purpose?
It may take effort to do this, sometimes. At other times, less.

Here's a clue in to one of my quirks. Well....
I have many quirks, so, you may get 20 for the mention of one. 
Thinking in rhyme is something that has been reality for me for my entire life. 
It was an "aha" moment when it was revealed to me that most people don't do this, the others will rarely admit to it. This is me, admitting to it. Now? You!
As I learned to speak other languages, I began challenging myself to think in other languages. Just 5!  😊

Yup. 5 languages.
Ich spreche funff Sprachen
Je parle cinq langues
Hablo cinco idiomas
Parlo cinque lingue

To be truthful, my Italian language skills are rusty, so, it would take a few minutes to get into the groove. I can still do it!

Also, I speak mermaid. 
Yup.
I'm a water baby.

When the ocean calls to me, I understand every word very clearly. The ocean feels like home, to me. WARM ocean! LOL!

When my friend and I went to Hawai'i, last April/May, I have a hard time understanding how it is that I barely went into the ocean much. 
I walked on the beach at night, dipped my toes in a few times during the day.
Waikiki is so commercial, the beach was mediocre at best.

The last time I really went out into the warm salt waters, it was so heavenly. Swimming out as far as I could, where my toesies were probably 5 -10 feet above the sandy bottom, I laid back, floated.

Looking up at the sky, watching seabirds flying above me, some small fish were darting around under me. 
I floated.
Dipping my head far enough below the water line so that the ocean water filled my ears, I felt the connection to the ocean.
At that moment, there was so much peace.
The ocean is a vast body of water, I was just a dot, floating.

All people have those days when life goes a bit sideways. having had more than my fair share of those, it's really fun! (not!)

The last time I let myself float, I imprinted the memory into my brain. The feeling. The sounds. The scent. The salty air. Salty taste!

When life becomes sad or tough, I recall those moments of floating in the warm ocean water. It carries me to a happier way of feeling. 

It gives back my raison d'etre!

Rhyming thoughts in other languages come flooding into mind flow.

I'm me, again. 

Your value

It's paramount to value someone
For who they are
Not their age
When you shove a person
Into a little box
You put them
In a cage
When you place a being into a cage
You force that being to fight
To gain their freedom
Their own light
When a being is allowed to have growth
They enrich the world around
Where we all can grow
Where we all
Abound

Do you have a choice to make?

In truth in spirit in heartbeats we have already met
In body in real life face to face not quite yet
In dreams in desires in the realm of the unknown
We are together already though in real life on our own
We go through our lives with only that which is fake
We think it's all so real in these paces we all take
Being told that the things that pass for being so real
Being only human it confuses that which we all feel
Being people who are fragile who learn to create a shell
Where we keep our secrets which are unsafe to tell
Where we find our "person or persons" who will hold close
Where the secrets of our hearts are all that their heart knows
Love can damage love can destroy as much as it can resurrect
Love is the most powerful force of all which can also protect
Love is the most simple force though it's force is blurred by lies
Grows in its own magical timeline in which none of us realize
Grows as naturally as a seedling pushes upward toward the sun
Grows unless the forces of darkness are applied by an evil one

********************************************************

If you can choose, choose love, every time.