Sammy

Often, when my mind wanders as well as when I dream, he is part, okay, a LARGE part of my thoughts & dreams.
He was just 4 weeks of age the first time I saw him. He was bigger than the others. He was more confident, quiet. I knew he was the one I wanted at the time.
Since he was big for his age, I think he was much younger than I was told that he was.
At "8 weeks" I went with my youngest daughter to get him, bring him home. She named him Sammy.

Sammy was a beautiful, smart, sweet, loyal, big, energetic, confident, handsome, observant, vigilant, black & tan doberman.

I loved him, I love him, still. I dream about him.

He was a one in a million type of dog.

He was so much fun to train. (I believe that an untrained dog is as much of a PITA as an undisciplined child is).

Sammy was very loved by the whole family, minus 1. He was so patient. He allowed my daughters to paint his nails with glow-in-the-dark nail polish! The whole family got a lot of laughs out of that one!

His appetite was growing just as his body was. When he was hungry, he figured out how to get the dry dog food container opened. CRUNCH-CRUNCH-CRUNCH. He got what he needed!

He was a big boy when he reached his full size. I am only 5'3", his back was at the same level as my hip. So, he was also very muscular, very strong. Dobermans, because of their protective, dominant nature as a breed, tend to pull a lot when being walked on a leash. They want to be out in front.
A pincer collar helped to keep him from hurting my hands until he was fully leash trained.

He was, what is referred to as a "velcro dog". He stuck close to me throughout the day. He followed me from room to room as I vacuumed floors, straightened the beds, tidied the home, washed the laundry. He was great company. Sammy didn't realize how big & heavy he was.
When I sat on the sofa ~ WUMP ~ he was in my lap! All 120 lbs. of magnificent beast.  :)

Still, I loved him. I believe, from the way he looked at me, he loved me just as much as I, as well as my children, loved him, too!
He didn't love the ex huzz. Wherever I was sitting, he laid at my feet. If ex huzz approached, I heard a low growl in his throat that escalated in volume if the ex huzz came closer in proximity to me.
He knew things that I didn't know at the time, smart boy!

Ex huzz threatened to barbecue & eat him. He was (still is) Filipino. No shock. They eat dogs.

Sammy was so smart, so trainable. I trained him to sniff out chocolate. 
My children's Halloween chocolate was unsafe. When a craving for chocolate hit me around November 1, the Halloween haul was unsafe!

When the ex was doing some vehicle maintenance & needed a tool, from upstairs, when he was in the garage, downstairs,  who did he call? 
Ghostbusters? 
Nope! 
He called Sammy! Ex would attach a note to Sammys collar then tell him who to take the note to.
Whoever Sammy went to, Sammy was very good at communicating, what he needed.
Whatever was needed would be attached to Sammy's collar & Sammy would take it to whoever needed whatever it was.

He loved to get out of the house to lay on the front lawn of the house we lived in. Knowing it was almost time for the kiddos to come home.
He would lay there, waiting for my children to come home from school!

The summer when a neighbor dogs, 2 Akitas, chewed through the fence to get to Sammy & attack him was a very difficult summer!
It started with my 18 yr old daughter totaling a family car, the only visit I have ever had from my sister & her husband, a pouring rainstorm that used up all 40 bath towels and a blanket to keep the rain water from flooding the house, then, the Akitas attack, cap it off with the hot water heater dying & purging water to flood the basement! Ahh......yes....the $20K summer!
I had a $1,500 Veterinarian bill to put Sammy back together. The Vet was very sympathetic, very skilled! 
He had 100+ stitches and was in a great deal of pain. 

The Veterinarian asked if the dog he had been attacked by was a male. There were 2 male Akitas. 
The Vet had an uncomfortable look on her face when she told me that she had pulled a Canine testicular sack out of his throat!

GO SAMMY!

What followed was lots & lots of TLC for my Sammy. I had to rinse his wounds with saline solution 5 times daily. His body healed, yet, his personality changed from the sweet natured ever patient gentle giant to one who snapped at my children. The Vet told me that this sometimes happens when a dog is attacked.

I was on  my own with 4 kiddos and a badly injured dog.

Where was the ex huzz?

He was having a good time with a group of single Filipino girls in Germany. Singing karaoke, sight seeing and something else.


After Sammy had bitten my children 3 times, I knew it was only a matter of time before he did real damage to my own children or one in our neighborhood. 
I would rather have given him up than to be forced to have him euthanized.

With a heavy heart, I drove to Denver to Doberman Rescue of Colorado. I cried on the long drive, cried as I left him there, cried all the way home and for the next 2 weeks.

Three weeks post Sammy, I received a call from the home he went to. He went to a man & woman who were married. They had no children, both were only children of only children. So, there were no children around for him to bite.

What this couple DID have? 3 dobermans (they wanted a 4th) and a 30 acre ranch in Alamosa, Colorado.
It was so ideal for Sammy.

I cried some more after the phone call disconnected. I felt so low.

After going over to the neighbors whose dogs had attacked Sammy, I asked them to pay the vet bill. Of course they refused.
A week after Sammy's attack, one of the Akitas ate a chihuahua in the neighborhood, then, turned on and killed the other Akita.

Did I take them to court?

Hell yes, I did. Took them to court and WON!

Let's just say they had to pay the Vet bill, plus more. They also had to pay for emotional pain, suffering and the loss of a beloved family pet. They should have just paid the Vet bill. Oh, well. This family lost their home & divorced a year later. 

The couple who adopted Sammy gave me updates from time to time. The dull ache was unbearable. I still wanted to know how he was doing, that he had a good life. That he was loved.
They told me that he was VERY WELL trained. That's my boy!

When Sammy passed on at the age of 11, the couple let me know via email.

I cried for him again, that day, off and on throughout the day. In truth, I cried for several days. I would think I was okay, then, it would hit me, again. The tears would slip out against my will.

I had hand fed him as a puppy, went through his ear cropping, spent many hours obedience training him. When he was sick, I held him, stroking his head & back. Like many dogs, he loved car rides. When I went through a restaurant drive through, I got hamburger patties for him. People constantly remarked at what a handsome boy he was. My heart swelled with love and pride for him.

He felt more like my child than my pet.

It's been several years, I still love him, think about him, even dream about him a lot.

A truly, once in a lifetime dog.

This is For You

This is for you if you wish to be understood
By someone who will love you and treat you good
This is for you when you wish with all your might
That you were with someone special tonight
This is for you when you're lonely and can't sleep
When the air feels so heavy it just makes you weep
This is for you when you feel you're never enough
Seeing so many people getting all that they dream of
This is for you when you ask yourself why not me
Uncertain of the future and what will or wont be
For you are understood more completely than you know
By many who do yet have never told you so
You are someone special you are always enough
You still shine though all you've been through is so tough
Loneliness is a searing while also a hollow pain
We all have to face it somehow again and again
It's a human condition to want someone with which to share
The urge to merge is strong as well as always there
Ultimately we all must know how to stand on our own
With or without a soul mate we must know how to stand alone
Most of us are born alone then again when we cease to live
All that will remain is the kindness we were known to give
It sounds so cliche' like what fairy tales are always made of
You are loved you are beautiful and strong you are always enough

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

Tonight, this song inspired me, thank you, Bryan White!


https://youtu.be/FbWpJOv-bdo

Do you "get it"?

Many people are more reactive than they are proactive.

There is hope!

When a person does the work, the investigative research, to find out about their personal unique body, what works for them, the huge benefit is great payback.

Many people have learned to eat junk food from early childhood, then, on into their teens, then in adult age, kept it up.
They set themselves up for obesity, disease, sorrow.

Again, there is hope!

As long as a person is living and breathing, they can change.

Or not

It is a very deeply personal choice.

When a person uses themselves as their own personal guinea pig, searching for information online, in paper books, trial & error...the understanding of your own body is wondrous! The understanding of your personal physiology as well as genetic predisposal is even more helpful.

I'm just a simple small town girl, average in looks, above average in smarts, who has studied this, I will say, for a long long time!

Some truths I have found:
(Caveat ~ What works for one person may or may not work for you or anyone else. Aren't you just a sweet, special little snowflake? :)

~Dairy products go straight to belly fat.
~ Sugar goes straight to belly fat.
~ You will get out of your body exactly what you put into it!
~ Changing your eating will change your life.
~ Eating real food as in steering clear of food mixes, fast food, anything that has more than 3 ingredients or has ingredients that you rarely hear of or have trouble pronouncing. RED FLAG!

Then, there's my fave:

Do you enjoy eating too many things that will only contribute to disease?

Go ahead.

Reap the rewards or the disease. It's your choice.

When you manage to go 80/20, good on ya!
(80% healthy/ 20% less healthy)

Baby steps.

When a person realizes & internalizes the effect of everything that passes over their pearly whites, it's a great day!
When they apply this epiphany, even better!

This means that you get it!

Nootropics

Yupp. It's a real thing. If CBD gets good results, I'm game!

Nootropic: A cognitive enhancer. A supplement that improves cognition functions. Improves focus, creativity & memory in healthy individuals.

Recently, nootropic usage caught my attention. 

Yup, ha ha! You probably know where this is going.

Having a basic nature of being curious about everything, I want to take it for a spin. I want to see what these are all about, what they might do for me. I already have a fantastic memory, very creative thinker, my focus could be better.

Let's see if it can be even better!

These nootropics are similar to the idea of a smart drug in the movie Limitless with Bradley Cooper, except, obviously, a watered down supp.

I'm very healthy as in on a scale of 1-10, I'm a 9.

The 2 supplements which are touted as effective by reviewers are: 

Neuro-Peak (Said to be very strong)
Neuro Ignite (for every day usage)

Hmmm.

My lil beauties arrived in my mail box today. I'm so excited, hiding it would be a falsehood!

The plan is to try them out, starting Monday.

Stay tuned.  

The Final

It can only stick to the words that were said
Playing in a loop deep inside my head
Alienating those who heard with both ears
The worst variety of such common fears
Resulting in many of my repentant tears
An apology or a gift or a gesture so grand
Cannot erase the pain caused by my hand
Living with regret in my heart in my mind
The worst self discovery I ever did find
Moving forward with the knowledge of what I've done
It's oh so true it constantly kills so much fun
While loving those who are disconnected to my life
The regret I live with cuts so deep like a knife

******************************************************************

It's important to change to something which will serve you better, turning away from that which should be abandoned. 

Some may ask, "Do you have any regerts?   :)

YES! There are so many things I would go back to change if it were possible.

Smiling more each and every day
Helping more people
Finishing my college degree
Extinguishing my vengeful nature earlier in life
( I have it handled, now!)
Left the Hawai'ian islands
I would have started going to the gym right after my first baby was born.

There's more. The list has been shortened to the top 7 for brevity.

Life is final
I know it so well
Grudges forge our own hell!
When I do good
There is no expectation
Or need of payback
For praise  or return done


Do good in the world, you will cause a positive, needed ripple in the world.
All, yes all people have infinite worth!

Is it worth it? Does it live up to the claims?

Warning: This is gender biased unless you are one who will try ANYTHING, neverminding whether it was marketed to one gender or the other with the testing & result similarly leaning to ladies.

Yeah, you swarthy alpha dudes, you really WANT softer skin & longer eye lashes, don't you wish your skin was soft like mine? Don'cha? Mm hm, Don'cha?
If the suh-weet pink lettering is cool with you...

Let's get this started! ~

1. Nuface ~ Yup. Ha ha! It's a real thang. Guess what? It lives up to the claims, the hype. It really does all that the company claims it does, plus the myriad of attachments. Caveat ~ save yo'self some cheddar. Buy it on eBay, using the "make offer" feature.

2. Purity Cosmetics aka 100% Pure ~ After having been gifted some of these omygoodness fantastically effective facial treatments, the answer is ~ YES! ~ 
They absolutely live up to claims! The overnight retinol treatment is so good, it's an orgasm for your face. Just sayin. 
 In my experience, YES OH YES!

3. Revitalash & Revitabrow ~ Yes ~ Yes!! Having started using both in July 2017, I can say, YES! for me? They work! My eyelashes are, thicker as well as 1/2 inch long!
As one who has blonde hair, light green eyes, prior to this it was, butterfly kisses? 
No can do.
These eyelashes are long & thick enough to give serious butterfly kisses!
(Google it)
Also, my eyebrows have thickened & grown since using it! 
Yee - hah!
As mentioned before, buy it online.

4. Last one, I take the oath.
Biosil, Natures Bounty Hair Skin & Nails Gummies & Fish oil. This combo is a rad rockin' trio!


Believing in
Taking care of the skin
There is no room for guilt
Judge as thou wilt
Being the best me
Sets the happy inside
Free!
*****************************************************************************************

There are so many other self care practices I have adopted.
KIBB
Keep It Basic Bitch

I just now, made that up!!

Feel free to use it as long as you include me in the credits of your block buster film which you write as well as co-produce.
(Just a lark...kinda, sortof.)

In as much seriousness as I can, in unselfishness, produce, there are so many ways a person, can attend to their health, their skin, their spiritual wellbeing. 
It would be easy to list 200 or more self care practices of my every day, constant, daily practices,which it's a clear benefit to wellbeing.

The desire of this simple girl from a small town, is to do good

*Namaste*

A Measure of Success

Would I be lying if I said I am great with plants?
Would I be lying if I said plants love me?
Absolutely not.

Both are true.

BTW ~ Animals & children love me, too!

I "adopted" (because "bought" sounds a tad vulgar) a plant last March 20, 2018.
It was a plant which is ridiculously easy to grow .........or kill!

Aloe Vera.

Her name is Vera! (hay hay Victoria!)

She was little more than 2 spikes a bit brown, sticking up out of the soil of the pot I brought her home in.
Poor, sweet baby.
She had so much potential!

Presently, October 15, 2018, she has 20...twenty leaves! Beautiful pointed spikes rising high, up above the container edge.

Okay?

How often have you said you were going to do something, then, almost asked for permission to do it?

As in:

Don't interrupt people when they're talking, okay?
Please don't speak to me that way, okay?
I have to go, okay?

Without thinking of it, many people ask for another persons' permission to discipline them (as with a child) to get to doing things they need to do (as with an adult) or to simply act as they wish (as with any one).

Okay?

😏

Often, I wish to speak up though I know it's incorrect to do so.

Every time I hear someone ask for permission to act, I want to scream! 
"Do you see what you're doing?"
Knowing I should simply sit, smile, keep it copacetic. I do so.

Is it the right thing to do? 

idk

It's the most kind action, I do know that.

If I can be anything, I wish to be kind.

The Fem Art

Hey guys!

It's sometimes kinda tough being a girl.

There are so many facets, possibilities, trends often end as soon as they start. Keeping up can be exhausting or fun!

In this girls experience? It's more fun than anything!

As an adolescent, there was nearly zero exposure to how to apply makeup, how to care for skin, hair, the effect of diet on appearance!

When taking steps into the wider world, it was somewhat overwhelming.

It was so foreign to me that ~

There are people who make a living from giving mani/pedi, facials!
Some ladies pay to have their hair care professionally done.
There were thousands of perfumes as well as perfumed everything!
Glowing skin can happen naturally by drinking a lot of water!
Having light green eyes is the least common color.

Having enlisted in the military, I was far from the familiar. First Texas, then Hawai'i from the small town life in Michigan! There were no familial contacts to bounce ideas off of.
Astounding!
Is it any wonder that I was astounded?

When working as a free lance model in Hawai'i (yeah, that would have made my commander, sad!) the other models were such great sources of information, skin care, makeup techniques. Learning as much from them as possible was a great opportunity!

The information shared by other models, helped. It put me on the path of discovery!

Wearing a lot of makeup just feels wrong, to me, so, while I experimented, using a light application felt best.

Taking good care of skin, hair, nails & some weight management is serving me well.
As always, it feels good to share with other ladies who are in wonder as to how to take care of their skin.

I'm one who loves-loves to help others. I would have been a GREAT nurse, doctor or even a PA.
Love to help. To alleviate suffering.

In this life I have, I enjoy taking good care of myself.
Total being.
As new items, new information enters my peripheral, I investigate. After all, it caught my attention for a reason! Yes, I believe, it did!

It's obvious when a person takes care of themselves.
also
When they refrain.

The enjoyment I get from taking care of myself with skin treatments, mani/pedi, meditation, super conditioning my baby fine hair, just feels good! 
Recently, a very caring, very thoughtful person gifted me with some skin & hair treatments from a very good line which I had never heard of.
OMGoodness - me! I am hooked!
The overnight facial treatment has made a visible difference in my skin. Although no one else has noticed - I noticed!
These treatments are from a company that is more natural than 90% of the cosmetic companies out there. 
Mostly, refraining from putting chemicals on my skin is best.
Loving this cosmetics line I received as a gift.

Although I had slowed down in workouts, steadily bouncing back is a good feeling! (Depression sux!)
Lifting heavier weights is necessary to progress.
Sessions ended with my fantastic PT.  :(

Still taking care of myself is a life commitment!!!!!

"Call me when you're through, take care of you!"
(Bonus, if you know who said that!)

Autumnal Spring

It's a Texas early autumn day
The kind that makes me say
Life is good!
(WOOT!)

The sun is smiling down so sweet
As I am walking up the street
Life is worth living!
(Today, at least!)

The leaves are turning to gold
Such a pretty sight to behold
A miracle of nature!
(I like that!)

Every leaf looks like it's flowering
Making earth look like a second spring
Nature is putting on a show!
(Get outside, enjoy it!)

Thank you!

Expression of gratitude is so under rated.

It's slightly disappointing when a person over the age of 5 years, still in single digits, fails to say please or thank you.

Saying please & thank you was drilled into my thick skull at an early age. Maybe it's why I remember this, even now.
People can say please & thank you with words, yet, showing them with actions gives the expression of gratitude a boost of credibility.

Yup. Ha ha.

Actions truly speak to others much more than words.

Common expressions only in words are ~

I will pray for you to be blessed
Like (on FB)if you agree
Share (on FB) if you agree
You are blessed

There are many more, yet, am sure the gist is perceived by you, dear reader even if you are from "Unknown Region". 
Yeah.

To cue you in this is an admission.

Most nights as I drift off to sleep, I do a review, as you may perceive, reviewing every experience of my day, then, saying "thank you" for every good thing in my day.
It may be as minuscule as finding a penny or a nickel, someone I don't know smiles at me or opens a door for me, a gift of  hand picked flowers. Saying "thank you" is something so important!
A truly cool woman I know, when she finds coins, calls them "pennies from heaven."

Um. Maybe.

Still, feeling gratitude or giving back as an expression of gratitude feels good. It simply does. Either helping under a cloak of anonymity or being acknowledged, either way, it is countering evil in the world.

It's my mission in life of sorts.

People of my circle tend to be higher in intelligence, in smarts, they, most often figure it out. It's okay. I can control what I do, the rest is in the hands of those who I choose to help.

Unknown Region

Hmmm, P-P-Pooh. Curiouser and curiouser.

In the process of blogging, the blogger is privy to seeing a number of statistics regarding the readership of the blog entries.
In particular, where the readers live.

Relax.

The location of readers is only identified by country. Plus, stalking is not appealing to me at all. There are more enjoyable, more rewarding activities even if I had readers addresses, which I don't.

A new location for my readership has appeared recently.

"Unknown Region"

142 views from this mysterious place in the world.

It's not a country or a place, it's unknown. Woo-Woo!

Being unsure what to make of that one, I did some research. This is what I found.

"When the reader blocks the sending of their IP in their browser, no one can determine where the reader is located. It presents in the statistics as Unknown Region."

Okay.

Someone or a few someones reading my blog are choosing or maybe unknowingly blocking their IP from detection.

Just as I have welcomed readers from new areas as they appeared in my statistics, here's your welcome!

Welcome! To my readers from Unknown Region! 
Thank you for reading, hope you enjoyed. 

Y'all come back, now, ya hear?  😇

Purpose in Life

Helped someone who needed some help
Hugged someone who needed to be touched
Listened to some one who needed to be heard
Knowing in my soul it would mean so much

Walked the extra mile in a very busy day
Put gas in the the car that was low in the tank
I did it without making myself known
There was zero need for praise or for thanks

Sent money that was never asked for 
Tended children for one who had such a need
Picked up those kittens who had no food at all
Gave whatever was hungered for only to feed

This is life this is my version of my purpose on earth
Giving kindness when it's crucial to the reason I give
With a full heart with a kind spirit of joy born of pain
It surely gives purpose to the reason I still live

It's My Life, My Life experiences

In Amerikanische or commonly called English in the USA, my life is one of the very few things that are truly my own.
My experiences are mine, only shared with others if I wish to share.

It takes a huge amount of trust for me to share anything at all with others. I'm careful because life & the people I have encountered while living, have taught me to be discerning as to who I let in as well as who I choose to turn away from letting in.

A child is usually taught about boundaries by parents, I missed that memo. It seems that my parents never got it, either.

Bravely going out into the world, having learned a bit about boundaries, those boundaries were brutally breached over and over while serving my country.

This is a thumbnail sketch of learning or the lack of learning boundaries in my own personal experience.

Something else I have learned is that most people will disregard the boundaries of another person when the person allows it. They will trample physical boundaries, sexual boundaries as well as emotional, even spiritual boundaries if that is their goal.

Whatever you allow is what will continue.

Conversely
Whatever you stand up against will diminish or cease.

When I divorced an abusive male, my children didn't understand and truthfully, I didn't expect them to, not then, not now, not ever.

The truth is, it was my marriage, my sanity, my decision.

I wasn't divorcing my children, I never did. I loved them then, I love them still, always have, always will.

It was something that belonged to me, not to them. 

What belonged to them and still does, is that sweet spot in my heart. The beautiful love that I feel every time I look at one of them or even think about them. That belongs to each of them.

When a family is together, it is still together even when there is a divorce, even when there is a death, an argument, a marriage, a re-marriage.
The family is still together, it has simply changed shape. The DNA that passes to children stays intact, doesn't it? 
The undeniable truth of the eye color, hair color, the sound of a persons voice or the shape of their head, their nose their ears, stays the same. The musical talent, the developed intellect of parents and their children, stays the same, unaffected by divorce or death.
The DNA continues in the same form in each family member. Linked by love as we are linked by DNA stays the same.
Family ties remain though they might be in a different form.

Each person has their own thoughts, their own bodies, their own version of themselves that is theirs. As offspring have their own life experiences, that belong to them, mostly, not to their parents.

Eventually, hopefully while parents are living, the offspring will come to realize that, their parents have the same possession of their own thoughts feelings, ideas & beliefs just as every individual person has the right to have.
Long sentence!
In this vein, I hope my children will come to the realization that I, as their mother, have the right to feel as I do about the marriage I dissolved because it is my right as an individual, whether they like it or not. Whether they agree with it or not. 
It wasn't their marriage.
They got a voice yet, not a vote.
Just as, when each of them chose to marry, I could say what I wished, yet, ultimately, it was not my decision to make.
It was theirs.
I never even met 2 of my children's spouses before they married and in one case, not at all. No boo-hoos here. 
Life is like that sometimes.
It's not the way I would have wanted it, yet, it's what they chose.
Did it hurt?
Hell, yes, it hurt very deeply. I cried for days on 3 occasions.
Tears of deep, soul shredding anguish. When a person feels deep the caveat is that the pain will often go as deep as the love.

Every person has the human right to feel as they do, no one has the right to tell someone else how to experience life for themselves.

Oh, they can try.

Many WILL try!

ZZZZZZZZZT!

A waste of precious time.

You might as well try to tell the rain that it should not fall from the sky or tell the sun to shine only on a certain day or where to shine.

Peoples hearts, minds and souls are complicated. 

Hearts are wild things, that's why ribs are called cages!

💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓

BIG Secret!

It may be a secret or it may have been a BIG secret until...now.

There are so many people who are married yet not committed to the one they are married to...on paper.....living with.

To be married is a legal state of being mainly for IRS purposes.

To be committed? This means that the other persons happiness is your FIRST priority!

If you think of the one you are committed and married to as to whether your thoughts & actions will detract or add to their personal happiness, most likely you are committed to the one you are married to.
If you think & act in secret, disregarding your wife/husbands happiness, you may be married while not truly committed.

It doesn't make you bad nor good. It simply, is.

Having had many experiences in the spectrum, while listening to Esther Perel, I have run through the gauntlet of guilt of validation of shame of hope, it's a gamet of emotions.

If you listen, you may feel the same.

https://youtu.be/r0dVjeBNANA

The Love

The love felt in this heart
At this time
Can possibly be captured
In prose in rhyme
It's an attempt

The tears are flowing
From heart through eyes
Never did I know
Never did I realize

The passing of a man
So crucial to my development
Would evoke
Such deep sentiment

I feel vulnerable, I feel sad, the tears are flowing off and on. Mostly on, truthfully.
Thinking of the wonderful woman who is a widow now, I feel an echo of her pain. The pain of the love of her life, gone.
I want to telephone her, yet, I wait until I am less tearful. She has enough tears of her own.
When and if I phone her, I want to be a source of comfort, a positive conversation.

In truth?

I feel so raw, so vulnerable. So sad. 

I want to be strong, less tearful.

When I send her a gift or flowers, it will feel good.

In conversation? 

I want to be strong.

58 years, they were devoted to each other.

I want to honor that with at least 8 minutes of sweetness, from the heart.
As always, from my heart to the loved ones heart.

Tribute to Gary R. Stonerock

2 words can trigger a reaction in the hearts/minds of so many!
Death & Taxes.
Today will be about the first.

Today, I was told by a lifelong friend that her father had passed on.

Having seen him only during a time of good health, strength, as a passenger with him piloting his personal aircraft, it's hard for me to imagine him as weak, frail, near death.

My friend, Cheryl, has been a dear friend since 10th grade!!! 
We spent a lot of time together as 2 giggly girls, keeping her parents awake when we had sleepovers. Later on, we saw each other from time to time. She wanted me as her bridesmaid, 8 months with child at her wedding! That's a true friend!
Her mother knew how close we were so my air fare was paid round trip Honolulu to Detroit! 
Definitely a true friend. 

When I heard the news from her that her father had passed on, OMGoodness! The tears started!
My tears will flow, unchecked for a few days. 
I feel so sad.

I remembered when he flew myself, his lovely wife, his daughter, (best friend from HS) up to Mackinac Island. Much to his wife's disgust, he insisted on flying low to buzz his friends house! His wife remarked that their daughter needed to live for her wedding in a few days and that I was 8 months with child!
That didn't stop him!

He loved flying!!!

I remember him being so enthralled with my darling Heather, at 18 months. He loved babies, little children. He was fascinated with how sweet & smart my darling, Heather, was!!! (Still is!)

He was quite a character. 

He also had a softer side. I remember him choking back tears as he walked his daughter up the aisle to be married. A few tears slipped down his cheeks. It was very touching. It was a hot August day in Michigan, he claimed, later, that it was sweat rolling off his head, I knew how much he loved his daughter!!! 
He didn't fool me!

Now, this wonderful man has been called home. His wife, such a wondrous woman, was there at his side. His 3 grown children came together to be with him in his final days. So much love for him!
His wife looks just as beautiful, in pictures, as I remember her! 
Always a sweet, while firm mother, to my dear friend.

Although I have only talked to them on the phone, in recent years, I will miss him. 

A light has gone beyond this world.

The Gain

I have been naughty.

😏

For, let's just say, a number of years, food was a scarcity for me. Sometimes I was surviving on oatmeal & popcorn. Not even popcorn chicken! Yeah. Old school popcorn.

For 2-3 months at a time, I was barely surviving on one egg per day. A very dear & kind person helped me with this. If not for this friend, I would have gone on this way for much longer.

When I received a great deal of fortune last November, I was able to afford to live, finally! To be able to live almost half as well as the ex huzz has been living for 10 years in his disregard of the mother of his four children.
I began eating everything I couldn't afford to eat for a few years!

She who indulges, bulges!

Sounds funny, yet, is actually very sad when it happens to you.

It happened to me, or rather, I did it to myself. Taking responsibility for personal actions is so very crucial. 
Taking responsibility = Keeping personal power.

Betwixt November 2017 - April 2018 I gained 40 lbs!!!!!!

When I finally woke up from my food coma, I began the pain after the party!
Yup.
Taking the weight off is way less fun than putting it on.

I have lost 20 of the 40, yet, 20 lbs to go! Then, the work of getting back on track with fitness goals........again.

Am I sad?
Am I discouraged?

NOPE!
In Texas speak ~ Hell, no!

Making the conscious decision to veer off the fitness course I was on, I have made the conscious decision to get back on track! 

I have too many cute clothes to fit back into! I have a really sweet bathing suit I like. Feeling cute for myself is a great feeling.

I go to the gym by myself, for myself. In the past, I had gym buds, workout partners ~ if they were even a little inconsistent, it affected my motivation. More than a little inconsistent?
Killed my motivation.
I have learned to have my Mp3 Player as my workout partner. It's consistent, it's always there when I'm ready. No waiting, no cancel outs, no late starts or early starts.
My Mp3 player is the perfect workout bud!

Once per month, I do a near clear of my music. Keeping only a few songs, mostly replacing workout music with whatever is new!
Keeping it fresh, keeping it new. Au courant!

Starting in October ~ that's 2 days ago ~ BABY! I'm back!

Love, Loneliness & Loss

There are evil people in the world. People whose solo purpose is to take advantage of other people.
Can you guess what they are after?
If they live in close enough proximity to their intended, it could be sex, drugs, rock n roll, baby!
If they are further away, it might be cyber sex, phone sex or others.

They are using the other persons loneliness to get the other. 
Money.
******************************************************

Have you never been mellow?
Have you never tried?
To find a comfort deep inside you?

Now you're not hard to understand
You need someone to take your hand

~ Olivia Newton John~

*****************************************************
Those evil doers in the world (Nigeria, Czechoslovakia, Phillipines etc.) take full advantage of people under the attitude of the vibe of this song from a minute ago.

To be truthful, I have had many of these despicable scammers send messages to me.
Through the searing pain, the experiences, the irl scammer wannabe's, I'm no proctologist, I know one when I see one.

When singlehood descended upon me, what feels like a lifetime ago, the scammers also made their descent upon me. 
I was unaware of how the world had changed.

Some of the scammers were online, some were in real life.

One guy asked me for $1,500 to use as a pet deposit for his cat.
Another told me he was a widow with a child, his child had cancer.

It felt like I was a bad person to turn away from both, yet, it was a scam. A very clever ploy from 2 scammers.
Scammers count on the loneliness, the vulnerability of their victims. 

When I see or read of this online, it truly breaks my heart. Half of me screams ~ STUPID!
Half of me understands while never condoning giving so much money to someone you have never met in real life plus some that you have. It seems so far fetched, so ludicrous until, that is, you have ALMOST fallen for this bull corn, yet, retained dignity while refraining. 

These people are so lonely, so vulnerable hoping to find someone to couple up with, to be loved, they are mostly, very desperate.

Many people fall in love with a scammer. The person (male & female) falls for the declarations of  love from a fictitious person.

Yep.

Many people, worldwide, are that desperate to be loved by anyone who offers the happily ever after to them on a silver plated platter.

There is hope.

The anecdote ~

Be that person you wish to be. Pursue your dream.
Let yourself be fine with your own company.
Be realistic, it helps you to recognize the scammers, the players.
Let yourself become so happy in your life that you will be less vulnerable to romance scammers & those who would attempt to take advantage as the lion would answer the screams of the weakest wounded prey.
Easy pickings.
The bleeding, screaming bunny says, with the screams,
 "Come and get me! I'm easy!"

Be more of a 
"I'm happy with my own company tyvm"
vs
" I just want someone to love me, anyone"

The ultimate positive take?

Find your happy where you are, inside yourself. Get so interested in your own life, whatever it is that brings you happy-happy, joy-joy, pursue it!

and .....GO!!!!!!!