Counting down the hours until I see him!

I'm so excited, right now, sleeping will be difficult. 

You see, I have not seen my only son since April 2014. He may be a young man, now, yet, in my heart, he is my Baby Blue.

As a baby I sang this song to him as I nursed him at my breast. I sang the song to him as a toddler, when laying him down for his nap. Then, as he grew into a child, then, a young man, I would hum the song into his ear to comfort him.
As he grew into his late teenage years, he would be moved to tears when hearing this song.

He's a tough, smart guy with a kind heart, sharp wit and purely charming. Yep. A real chik magnet!

He has completed USAF Basic Training in San Antonio, TX and is now at Sheppard AFB, Wichita Falls, Texas ~ just 56 miles north from me.
I brought him home from the hospital as an infant on July 14, one of my birthdays. His birthday is coming  up on July 10.

I have bought little things for him in the years since I saw him last. On Sunday, I will go to Sheppard AFB, where he is for his tech school and give him these gifts in person. I will wrap him in a hug, probably shed a tear or two, hold him close.

Have I missed him?
Do I love him so dearly?

Abso-effing-lutely!
 

What is it that excites you?

Care to share? lol

Maybe, maybe less so.

Things that used to get my motor purring are different, now, than they used to be.

Keeping this G-Rated, now. :)

Maybe it's because I was catapulted into a happier universe in 2007. Freed from the bondage of an abusive marriage, into freedom! Can ya' just hear FREEBIRD! playing in the background?
It caused a sense of urgency to change, then keep changing minute by minute. 
I was free to be who I am, who I was born to be. Discovering so many new things, umm, alcohol, for one!
Yupp, ha ha!
I had never been drunk, not once. Having a bartender for a neighbor, she was a neiiiiiiiiggggghhhhbor! In the coolest way!
She was in her 40s, never married, no children.
Her way of life showed me the freedom I had been missing while I was in a safe little bubble for so long.
In my newfound freedom, I could do anything I wished at any hour of the day for as long as I wanted, with whomever I wanted. 

Although I had been in athletic condition when I married, I had never, ever, been in a gym or lifted weights, ever. 
Shocking!
Apart from my hella fun neighbor, I discovered that I LOVED working out!
Honestly? I had zero clues as to what I wanted to do, needed to do to get back into athletic condition. I only knew, I wanted it.

Before, I hated to sweat. Would refrain from doing anything that messed up my hair or made me stink.

Now, getting down to the meat in this epiphany!

BF ~ Before Freedom!

I was excited by
(remember this is G Rated, so, an incomplete list!)

Ice Cream
Chocolate
A trip to a needlework shop
Finding a new recipe to make an awesome family dinner
Christmas
Easter
July 4th picnics

Did you notice what these have in common?

FOOD!

My life was centered on FOOD!
Prepping food, eating food, sharing food! It's less than a shock that I became obese.
No more obesity for this chik!

Present day, what excites me ~ 

A hard driving workout
The first sweat that sets in 5 - 10 minutes into a workout
Yoga
Pilates
Getting unexpected cash
Ice cold water
Feeling my ab muscles flex
Feeling the skin over my abs tingle as my T Shirt moves

Yeah, yeah, I'm quite easy to please. These aspects may change or they may remain.

Did you notice the difference?

These simple pleasures are non-food related.

Since the awesome TRX Teacher is taking a vacay, she left a TRX workout for her students to do to tide us over until her return, next Thursday.
This morning, I was winging it, on my own. It was enjoyable! Usually the TRX class lasts around 25 - 30 minutes. After elevating my heart rate during a warm up with cardio, I took the TRX bands at my own pace which was a 35 minute sweat sesh!

A guy in the gym was watching me, in an awe struck sort of way. Far from a perv. He's a decent guy who is there to work out. I'm used to it, so I plug the jams in & concentrate on my workout. Just enjoying the burn setting in.

Am waaayyy far from a super model, in fact, I'm average in looks & completely comfortable with that fact.

When he approached to talk to me, I jumped! PTSD is good for that.

He complimented me on my dedication. He advised me that when a person turns 40, it tends to slow them down, so, I should get ready for it.

I thanked him, then continued with my workout.

LG!
(Life's Good!)

Perfect life!!!!!

If you have a perfect life ~ Congrats!

You can lay around & sleep all day, get out of the house & play, you have your food brought to you before you even know you're hungry. Everyone loves you, very few dislike you.

Check yourself ~ you might be a dog.  :)

Humans can be more complex than that.

Most people have to bust their ass to make a living. Work more than they would like so they can play at what they DO like.

Comprendi??

Life, for myself, anyway (can only speak for myself) follows a pattern of the Universe. Hills, valleys, sometimes warm, sometimes cold, sometimes wet, sometimes dry etc.

Like any person, I experience times of such happiness, it feels like I'm swimming in a sea of pure groovy! (or gravy?) There are times of uncertainty, times of sadness. Times of loneliness, then times when I feel the need to retreat for some very optimal "me time."
Like most people, life is far from what I thought it would be, yet, it is as it should be.
Could be better, could be worse.
Hills & valleys.

Things that make me feel *happiness?

* Working out & feeling stronger
* A phone call from a friend
* The return of a friend from a few years ago
* Road trips!
* Water as in drinking it, swimming in it, showers, baths.
* The color green
* The color yellow
* The color blue
* July 4th!
* The scent of line dried fabric
* A hug from a child
+ more

Things that bring me #down

# Rudeness
# Negativity
# Eggplant (blech!)
# Lies
# A canceled fitness class
# When my car is dirty
# When my home is dirty
# Horror movies ( am too tender hearted, it disturbs me)
# Feeling tired even if there's good reason for it.
# Being ignored

So, peeps, life is imperfect, yet, if you have friends & family around you who love you & treat you well, good health, enough food, a safe place to live. 
Clean water, enough sleep.
If you have enough financial security to have a life that is content or better. 

You're doing well. 

Still, best to check.

You might still be a dog......or a cat.

L8erz!

It's Natural

It's a topic which is brought up a lot.

Social settings seem to cast a spotlight on the natural instinct that is God ordained to couple up. The immature people will only couple up or shagg on the DL for a night or 2. Then there's the cowards who will awaken the love in another with no intent or follow through to love the deceived person as they vowed to.

Yupp. I said it. 

It's a coward who lies their way into the heart of another person knowing they are practicing the Satanic ritual of wrongful deceit.

So, I hear from others in the painful aftermath of these cruel practises or the lack of a SO in their life. Sometimes FWB, FB's, ONS. The list of cruelty is long.

Many might blame the deceived for wanting to believe that love could possibly exist, that the other person just might be a decent human being.
9/10 of the time the person turns out to be just another liar.

Still, so many people persist in believing that there is someone out there who will love them, who they can love in return. A person will allow them to love them in return.

Having had my heart deceived then broken so many times, I will admit, though I'm a soft, tender hearted, romantic girl?
I'm more closed off to males than I have ever been. 
Some guys will see me as a sweet girl who smiles all the time, who is happy, independent & SINGLE! What a shock to them.

Gone is the urge to couple up. Gone is the desire to be held, loved, kissed. Gone is the hope that there is just one decent guy who is out there for me. 
Gone. 

Yes, there were several heart shattering events which killed the desire that is so natural to humans, to want to share their life.

When I hear the lament of others who still have this desire, although I don't share that desire, I empathize with them.
It's natural, understandable, yet, it's a mixed bag of curse & blessing. To wish so much for that someone wonderful yet feeling the ache of the absence of them or someone. Many people will accept almost anyone as they are propelled by the fear of being alone.

Having learned to enjoy solo activities, that fear is missing from my thoughts. Enjoying my own company is a joy to me.
Unless that very rare "right one" comes into my life, I will be happy for the rest of my life, if they do or they don't, I will be happy in either circumstance.

The message?

Let yourself be happy, decide to be happy, then BE!
 

The Cover-up

Au naturale, baby!  It's the preferred modus operendi for moi. This includes refraining from piling the makeup on. A few years back, I began changing habits to make my skin so healthy that it rarely if ever needs makeup to cover imperfections. 
Oh, there are natural imperfections.

Imperfections are far from imperfect, they only serve to make someone human, more real, more genuine. A sort of "what you see is who I am" attitude, so it goes.

There are other types of cover ups, too. Yupp, I'm going to go there, ha ha!

It's the "L" word. Lying. The sort that people use to cover up misdeeds, insecurities, occasionally their privacy. In today's world where the simple truths of who someone is can be used against them, it makes telling a lie or a "half-truth" almost a necessity to avoid shame, ostracizing, stereotyping.

Many people seem to cling to what WAS the norm 10 - 20 years ago. 
Age is far different, now.
Socioeconomic's are far from what used to be.
Stereotyping by age, gender, race. They reveal ignorance.

Having been discriminated against for my age, my race, my religion, even my food choices, the sting of prejudice has landed on my doorstep.

Having mover to a very small town in 2012, I see it more concentrated. 
The discrimination is more concentrated on myself, being an "outsider".
I went to High School in the north, I'm unmarried, my children rarely come around.
The people in this town are surface friendly for the most part, as in, they don't want to come to my home, they don't want to me to come to their home. Unless I married or one of my children moved in with me, I'm a pariah.

Welcome to small town, America!

After 6 years, although I'm a friendly, outgoing person, there is exactly *TWO* female friends who I consider a friend.
The rest..........wellllllllllll.

It has been expressed to me on a few occasions that I'm regarded by most in this town as a weed smoking lesbian.

I don't smoke weed, nor do I wish to have a male companion in my life. Having not met the right one for me, I refuse to settle ever again as I settled when I married. 

Covering up with too much makeup or covering up the way I truly feel is a foreign concept, to me. 
It's called "wearing your heart on your sleeve."

Being imperfect, I have been cajoled into telling a fib or 2 for self protection. It's the way of the world. It lightly touches me, at times.

I'm only human, sometimes vulnerable.

Still, only human.

Commitment?

Do you fear or avoid commitment?

I feared commitment in my teens and 20s. I could date exclusively, yet, was scared to "pull the trigger". aka get married, hitched, etc.

When I finally married, I was all in. 200%. While some people are only married, many are not necessarily committed to being loving, supportive & faithful no matter what they vowed to do.

Ex-huzz was only married, not committed to me. I had his happiness as my first priority while he also had his happiness as his first priority. That doesn't work or at least it doesn't keep working. The short-changed person will eventually decide that the marriage is unhealthy. There are 2 options.
1. The selfish person makes effort to change.
2. The short changed one has lost the desire to stay & leaves.

Since becoming single again, it seems as if I have come full circle. 

Loving my freedom after what seems, now, like an eternity in bondage, I value my freedom so much more.

While I COULD commit, again, it's rather low on my list of desires. There's so much more to life which I can accomplish without being shackled to a guy.

It would take someone who is an extraordinary guy in my opinion, not his own opinion of himself, to get me to commit & marry.
When a guy says the infamous words:
"I'm not looking for a serious relationship or a relationship."

This is what I hear:

"I don't want anything ongoing with YOU unless I can just get laid without commitment."

Quite sad when people see others as something to use to suit a need just like a can opener, a drink straw. So disposable.

I have chosen to refuse to be used by anyone.

Sincerity & genuine caring is, sadly, in short supply in today's world where people use other people & love things.

As a sincere, very genuine girl, I can choose what I do, others can choose what they do.

Recently a guy I went out for dinner with asked me a loaded question. He asked me, "What do you dream about?"

My answer was truthful.

"I dream about my favorite dog, Sammy. A huge black & tan 
Doberman. 125 lbs of pure love!"

Maybe, I'll commit to getting another dog, soon!

PS ~ Never saw nor heard from the guy, again. :)

It's in The Rhythm

Have you ever noticed the rhythm of life?

The rhythm of love?

Rhythm of sex?

Rhythm of the wind in the trees?

When conversing with a Native American Shaman, he told me that there are many consistencies, keys, if you will ~
in the universe, to the universe.

One of the important keys is the rhythm in which so many earth as well as cosmic elements pulse, ebb, flow.

Whether it's the steady rhythm of a heartbeat, the ebb and flow of tidal waters, cycles of the moon and sun in the days.
There is rhythm.
Perhaps, this is why music is so appealing to so many people as well as many animals.

It's the rhythm, baby!        

Riddle me this, Batman !!!

It costs nothing to ask for it
Costs nothing to live it
Gives peace to the mind
For those who will live it

Slights which are perceived or real
Causing pain to a fellow being
The changes in countenance when given
Are a sight well worth seeing

Spirits soar with happiness
Broken hearts will heal
Lives be gin to mend in an instant
Changes are so visibly real

And yet.....

Humans are selfish by nature
Full of their puffed up pride
With all their angry resentment
Eating them up inside

So many people reserve it
Believing others don't deserve it 

Maybe they don't or maybe they do
Their actions were cruel this is true

Repent & repair is the action they need
Before love and trust can ever proceed

Then wrong & wronged come together as one  
A newborn friendship has begun

When it would cost nothing to give it
Can be theirs if they will only live it

What is it?

In Your Mouth

Most human beings are born with an essential orifice in the lower half of their face called a mouth.
It's generally surrounded, at the opening by a lower and an upper fleshy aperture called "lips". They may be thin or thicker, scaly or smooth. Some are very sensitive while others may be less sensitive. 
It's your mouth, you decide!

Mouths are used for an expression of varying degrees for kissing, a pressing of the lips onto another person on their skin or upon the other persons skin.
The platonic sort. Awwww.
The romantic sort. Yumm!
The affectionate sort. Ooooo!

What you do with your mouth is or should be totally up to you.

What do you put in your mouth? HEY! Don't go dirty on me!

Whatever it is that you put in your mouth, the primary gateway to your health, determines your health whether for positive or less than desirable.

Every time you put anything in your mouth, you are either feeding future disease or you are combating it.

Putting anything in your mouth will influence your brain, your health, your weight, your general health!

Purty dang deep, here, today!

Whatever it is you choose to put in your mouth whether it's nutritious fresh, raw, unadulterated veggies or fruit or so-called "junk food". It's called "junk" for a reason!

Things that will cause adverse reactions? ~

~ Tobacco products. Cigarettes, cigars, "dip", Hookah 
~ Excess alcohol
~ Excess sugar
~ Excess salt
~ Processed foods
~ Excessive food
~ Soda pop or soft drinks

All of these are voluntary self poisoning.

Things that will preserve health? ~

~Fresh raw veggies
~ Fresh raw fruit
~ Clean, chemical free water
~ Lean natural, unadulterated protein! (my favorite!)
~ Supplemental vitamins
~ A minimum of 1 hour of heart pounding exercise daily

It's so simple, isn't it?

The obesity epidemic could be stemmed so easily when these simple tenets of health are followed.

How do I know this?
I have lived it. From healthy & strong into obesity, now, back to healthy and strong, again.

Oh, be careful little mouths, what you do.  ;)

Intuition & Contradiction

Helen Bishop

Have you heard of her?

Probably not.

This will refrain from regaling the stories upon themselves of those people with an intuition that they should or should not go somewhere or do something.

Helen Bishop was a 19 year old newlywed on her cruise back to the USA.
The Titanic was said to be the finest ship to ever sail, it was expensive, luxurious as well as said to be unsinkable.

From history lessons, guess how well that worked for them!

Yes, it was a horrific tragedy on the scale of the attacks of 911.

Helen Bishop was very afraid to sail on the Titanic, however, her new husband convinced her that it was perfectly safe. They were returning from a 4 month honeymoon trip.
Fortunately, they both survived with her husband more than willing to listen to his wife's intuition after that.

What IS intuition?

Have you ever had a small feeling that told you "something just isn't right" or feeling a great deal of negativity from a certain person with no explanation as to why?
Maybe, later on you find that the person or the place is linked to horrific or tragic events.

Having sharp intuition is a bonus, using it is even better.

There have been times when I was talked out of following my intuition which I lived to regret.
I have very good intuition. As I move on through time, I listen to it more and more.
People will often tell me that something or someone is safe or harmless, that I'm over reacting or being silly. Later on I will find that my intuition was correct.

Everyone has intuition, ignoring it is often easier than following it while being razzed by others.

To strengthen your own personal intuition, you must listen to it, follow the guidance. Some other things you can do are:

~ Have regular "alone time" sitting still and quiet.

~ Follow your urges for creativity.

~ Listen to your body. The body is wise, it knows what is good for you and what isn't. Your gut instinct. lol.

~ Pass up the superficial connections with people for the deeper connection with like minded people who are kind & trustworthy.

~ Pay attention to your dreams where there are often messages

~ Let go of negative emotions by shifting your focus to something positive which will uplift you.

All of this may sound quite aerie faerie (awesome Scottish quip)
yet, when it's put into practice, it can change your life.

Victoria & Sterling

******************************************************What is this magical eternal commitment bond
That lasts for life on Earth then beyond

It's made up of everyday life with a thousand little things
It leads up to the "big day" with token wedding rings

Sunshine is everywhere in the eyes of family and friends
As we celebrate the bonding now forged that never ends

Butterfly feelings butterfly kisses are everywhere
To celebrate the connection by heart that we all share

Blessings of of health of hope in consecration
All blended together in this our celebration

Surely the Lord is smiling at them to bless their life
As Sterling and Victoria become man and wife

******************************************************

I wrote this in honor of my darling daughter and her handsome prince for their wedding day. It was my honor, my absolute pleasure to be there with them on their beautiful wedding day.

Memories of Memories, Lighting the Pathways of my Heart & Mind

Having a photographic memory
Retaining though I wish to forget 
Those events that are too painful
Ones which cause such sad regret

Faces of ones I loved so much
The ones I fear I love them still
Dear ones who have forgotten me
Those who I deign I never will

The curve of a masculine jawline
The scents of breath, hair, of flesh
The feelings which stir my being
Still living within still fresh

Remember oh remember it all
Nuances so sublime
As moving as a lovers vow
As we move forward in time


******************************************************

Reality?

What if the flik "The Matrix" is truth & all of us only think that what we're living is reality?

What if the citizens of the USA knew the truth of what really goes on in the military, law enforcement, business, government. There would be widespread chaos, citizen revolt.
It would be a mess.
That is, until everyone gets heavily dosed with Prozac & Prozacesque psychtropic pharma.

Sometimes, I see the rat race that people are in, in pursuit of lucre, I question it. 
What's it all for? Materialistic gain? Status? Sexual conquest? Self gratification?
We are born naked, with nothing, when our souls pass from our bodies, all that is gained in this world is left behind.
All that we take with us is the memories made, the love in our hearts...............................or, the other.

Living each day, gathering happy memories, educating our minds, doing good in the world.
Living this way gathers goodness like a beautiful bouquet.
Gathering godness.  :)

When I began to live more simply, the inner peace which ensued is such a deep comfort.
Of course, money is needed to live, to be comfortable, to travel, live out our dreams, seek an education. 

The extraneous "stuff" which clutters most peoples lives, clutters their homes, to them, seems to make them feel accomplished.
It can be burned up, washed away by a flood or smashed to bits by a tornado with no warning. The fires in Colorado, earthquakes in California, tornado in Moore, OK showed us this.
In 2007, I had a great awakening. It caused me to begin to rid myself of "stuff".
This journey has been very liberating, it continues.

Gathering memories to form a heart more filled with love with time is the best treasure.

Death & Dying

A very common fear is the fear of dying. Some people fear death, some simply fear a pain filled death.

Some people have perpetrated such evil upon others such as cheating others financially (ex huzz will face this), cheating emotionally/sexually/physically on a husband, wife or life partner. People will have to face the consequences, eventually. Maybe they will face it during their time on earth, maybe after death if there truly is an afterlife. 

Consequences for evil are natural. The symptoms may take awhile to manifest in sexual form, physical form or emotional illness.

What to do!

What to do!

Everyone sins, people all sin in different ways. This is why it's important to mind your own yard. Pluck out your own weeds, grow your own flowers. Your neighbors have the same right.

i.e. It's better to judge what's right for you, leave others to their own devices. Trust, then verify.  :)

An earlier fear of death seems to be the pernicious fear of aging which is so rampant in the world, today. In a society which glorifies youth, gives partial treatment to those people under the age of 35, it seems inevitable that age discrimination is the result.

Yes, it's illegal to discriminate, based upon age, yet, it's rampant. Yes, rampant.
It exists in social settings.
It exists in professional settings.
It exists, even in religious settings.

Having witnessed all three, it's a stomach churning sick feeling.

Age discrimination is rarely if ever prosecuted, is seen as legitimately acceptable by nearly everyone. Particularly by those who have yet to experience it first hand.
Jokes about "stupid old men", "dried up women", "grandma driver", "grandpa driver", "too old for ____" (fill the blank!)

This is sad commentary on the world, as it's inevitable that everyone will advance through time. Those who shame their fellow humans for simply going through a natural, biological process, will, eventually get there, too. That is, if they are fortunate enough to live as long as the ones they have age shamed.

Being fortunate enough to go through the natural process can be cut short as well as cause some damage when a person mistreats their body.

~ Use of tobacco products (cigars, cigarettes, chew tobacco)
~ Chronic sexual & emotional cheating on a spouse or partner.
~ Over exposure to tanning beds & sun
~ Gluttony resulting in obesity
~ Excessive consumption of alcohol
~ Eating too much processed foods (garbage in will make ya feel like garbage, eventually)
~ Excessive sugar & excessive salt consumption
~ Lack of physical exercise
~ Addiction to electronic gadgets
~ Social isolation
~ Failing to drink enough water
~ Failure to get enough sleep

This is only the top 10 + 2 bonuses!

All of these contribute to causing accelerated aging of the body, the mind as well as eventual darkening of the spirit aka the soul.

Of course, all have done some of this or all of this. Many people even find these pleasurable. There is a price to pay.

Myself? 

Death is the very least of my fears. Aging? I tend to my soul, body & mind, daily. Am waaaaaayyyyyyy far from perfect, that's for sure, yet, I do try to keep healthy habits.
Endeavoring to be kind to others.

When someone hurts me, I strike back at them, commensurate with the pain which their actions caused for me. It's something I have improved upon, yet, I still struggle with it.
Always striving to improve.

Death is something I am comfortable with, knowing that I'm not perfect, while, still trying to be the best person I can be.
It's a life slogan, maybe the US Army is on the right track?

Being kind to others as much as possible, helping others when I can, being honest & truthful with fellow human beings is how I live.
The tricky balance comes in being kind while avoiding being taken advantage of.
There are many fish in the sea, many are barracudas, sharks & piranhas! Predatory people who go through life as well as surf the internet, looking for their next victim.

We're not in Kansas, any more, Toto!

The age of innocence in the world is over. 

Leaving you with 2 pieces of advice which were given to me by some very wise people.

* Don't fear heights, save your fear for widths! Obesity is a killer*

* Fearing death is a smokescreen. Better to fear never living fully. Or, better, still, no fear! JUST LIVE WITH COURAGE!*

This is why I went back to a basic cell phone.

Once upon a time...

Il etait un fois.....

Having a smart phone was cool. It was innovative. It was the thing to have. Today's smart phones can navigate, surf the web, turn lights on & off as well as a myriad of functions.

I had one. 

I was turning into one of the rude, anti-social zombies which so many people have become in today's world. Out to dinner at a restaurant, in a movie theater, at a playground with children or just hanging out with friends at home.
I was becoming one of those rude people who was so addicted to technology. I ignored the people around me, texted while driving, woke a few times during the night to check texts & text back.

It felt very foreign. As if my social skills were dwindling, my appreciation for people who were right there with me was diminished. It caused episodes of depression, lack of interest in forming new friendships. 
Technology was becoming my life. It's supposed to be a life enhancement vs the life replacement many use it as.

There was also the cost of data & data streaming. The cost keeps going up & most people are paying it. They complain about it, yet, they still pay the ever increasing cost that cell phone services tack on. Sometimes with notice, many times without notice.

Before my life became so swallowed up in technology, I disengaged.
Selling my iPhone for as much as I could get, I went back to a basic phone. It fills my needs for texting, calling & snapping an occasional photo.

Many hours of my life became freed up. Awareness of surroundings returned in the sharpness I remembered. Social skills which had waned, began to come back. The bouts with depression became less frequent. There were no more headaches or pain due to "text neck".

People often remark on my low tech phone. There are many times when I have to get up and leave when people I know are so glued to their phones & laptops.
Sitting there, with them starts to feel so empty, so pointless, it becomes obvious that it doesn't matter if I'm there or not. 
Frankly, it's a richer existence to exit the scene & go elsewhere to truly live vs stick my nose into my laptop.
Occasionally is fine, doing it as a 95% practice is no bueno.

Taking the ribbing, the jokes, the teasing for having a basic flip phone is minor. 
As long as I know, I have a better life free from tech addiction.

Validation

Dontcha just love it?

Finding out you were "on the right track"?

Finding that your thoughts on something were correct or confirmed?

As one who feels that genuine & sincere is the best way to be, I reserve the right to be wrong about anything. It's how I learn, it's a contributor to personal growth, for me. 
To have correct info!!

Recently, going to Utah & Idaho for my darling daughters' wedding, I received a lot of validation in a few different forms. Some validations were related to the wedding, some were otherwise related.

Having been an obese person, I'm ashamed to say, along my journey to losing weight & becoming healthier, I have been body shamed by those who said they love me.
OUCH!
I was in an abusive marriage, I ate to assuage the pain.
A plan which no one should follow.
It's what I did.

At the parties surrounding the wedding, I saw people who I have not seen in many years. 
Also 200 -300 lbs ago. 
Family friends, ex-neighbors, family members. 
The ex huzz showed his true colors by not showing up at his own daughters' wedding.
That, in itself, was very validating for people to see who he really is vs the facade he so skillfully presents.

There was a wonderful neighbor who had been close to my daughter. She didn't recognize me. She asked me where the "rest of me" had gone, remarking that I had to be 1/2 or even 1/3 of the size I was when she last saw me.
Very validating.

The daughter of a family friend who I had known since she was 3 years of age, also, didn't recognize me, at first. Then, her eyes grew wide! She told me she didn't know it was me. Just a beautiful slim blonde in a pretty blue dress! WOW!
Very validating.

I responded to her with, "I still bake bread, I still like my house to be clean & smell good." She was so sweet, with hugs & laughter all around.

The one daughter who was so toxic to me, I had to make the painful decision to eject her from my life, was also there. She had excluded me from important moments in her life, such as the 2 times she married then had a baby. Naturally, I had lost the desire to be a part of her life.
Natural consequences.
Her tactics are to be super sweet to me, then, when I least expect it, she would cut me off at the knees. Sharp criticisms, body shaming, purporting to speak for herself as well as her 3 siblings, which was so far off the mark & I knew it.

She came up to me, where I was sitting, she was standing, holding her son who, I would guess to be 18 months, I don't know. She looked to be expecting another one in 4 months or so. Again, I don't know, nor do I care.

She walked up, placed her hand on my back. O gawd, I wanted to slap her hand away so much. It was my youngest daughters wedding, I was going to use self control for her.
She spoke to me sweetly, yupp. Trying to reel me in until she felt like slapping me back, again.
THIS TIME ~ I wasn't going for the bait.
I was cordially polite. She retreated to the other side of the room from me. I felt nothing, continued to enjoy the party!

Another validation came to me later on that day. I found a news article about a male I had been seeing for awhile in 2012. The article described his opinion of how to get more money for his department, while increasing retain-ability as 3 people had resigned since he had began working there.

The guy is a real piece of work. An arrogant a-hole who tried to draw me into a relationship fraught with his control issues, his self important attitude. 
He told me he loved me, then proceeded to body-shame me.
He tried to keep me available to him by offering a place for me to live where he could "visit" me.
I dodged that bullet.

The article was online. A comment following the article stated that the problem with retain-ability was due to the guys' attitude & being difficult to work with.

Validation

Being able to make the 2,000 rt trip as the sole driver with company, sometimes without, was empowering in itself.
Truthfully?
I wasn't sure I could do it, yet, my love for my daughter is stronger than my fears. I wanted to be there so much! So, I made it, with the help of 2 friends who I'm deeply grateful to.

Validation is often unnecessary for me, yet, it's wonderful when it naturally happens!

Online trolls & online Prince

The internet is a plethora of diversity. Anything you're looking for, most likely, you'll find it.
The good
The less desirable
The pretty
The ugly

Then, there are those who are in a class by themselves ~

THE TROLLS!

These creatures seem to slither up out of wherever they are, to piss in anyone & everyone's cheerios.
It's just for fun, to them. Being sharply critical of everyone just for fun is their hobby. 
Trolls will skulk around various sites such as You Tube, social media sites, message boards, product review. Sometimes, it seems as if they are being paid to give negative reviews by a competitor.
It seems to make them feel empowered. In reality, it only makes the troll reveal themselves for what their true colors are. 

There's a difference between a truthful opinion vs an over the top nasty critique which seems so implausible, it reeks of lies.

Then, there's the online Prince! The person whose posts are kind yet fair. It's obvious that their words are chosen carefully.
I say "Prince" vs "Princess" for a reason. 
Mentioning his online handle or his real name, you know, the one on his birth certificate? Might be unwanted publicity.

I love me some good YouTube. Time to time, I make comments that are intelligent, honest, my true feelings. When trolls have verbally attacked my words, I simply ignore & move on.
This online Prince had come to my defense so many times, it caused me to take notice.
Then, one day, he sent a private message to me.

Being the ever curious minx that I am, I responded. He told his real name to me, asked me for mine, we messaged back & forth for awhile. He remained intelligent, insightful, respectful.
It was quite enjoyable.
One day, he asked if I would rather email by our private email addresses. I keep an email account that's unconnected to my FB for just that purpose. I used that email address, being cautious, to message with him over the course of several months.
Our correspondence remained enjoyable.
After 6 months, he asked if I would like to speak on the phone, no pressure to do so, just a suggestion.
He is Canadian & would be in the USA for a few weeks on business, so, it was the ideal window of time to become better acquainted. I wasn't ready to meet him in person.

We set up a time to talk, he was just as personable on the phone as he was online. We were both slightly nervous, yet, the chemistry that was there was undeniable. It was rather surreal, speaking with him, hearing his points of view. I liked his Canadian accent!!!
A male voice is appealing to me, already, love it! His was very soothing, smooth, he was very well spoken ~ A.  ;)

He still posts online in the defense of others when the trolls attack as trolls do. He still sends messages from time to time.

I still view him as an online Prince.

Some thoughts going around in my head, today

The day usually starts with a prayer for me as soon as I sit up, awake, in bed.
Then, vitamins, then Yoga stretches on my ballet barre.
Then?
Changing it up recently, I started adding more cardio to kick me into better shape. To the gym I go, for a rapid 3 mile walk on the treadmill with varying speeds, varying incline for HIIT training. This is before TRX with the awesome teacher, Amy. She rocks as a TRX instructor.

After TRX, I was doing SPIN. I hate it. I may go back to it or I may not. I really don't like it, plus, I am avoiding putting too much strain on my right arm. It's still sore after the recent week long episode of pain. The 2,000+ drive was painful, time to give the arm a bit of a rest. 
Still working out, yet, going a little easier on the arm.

On my way to the gym, thoughts of what to do about the theft by the TSA of my laptop.

"Bastards!" I thought

Arriving at the gym, a really insightful person whom I'm getting to know was there. Rita. She's so genuine. Love it!

We spoke for a bit on the treadmill, then, her time was up.

Time to plug the music in.

It's possible that the music I listen to spurs sexual thoughts or maybe the physical activity with the ensuing body burn.
When I'm working out, I think about many sexual things.
Have to be uber careful to avoid eye contact with anyone. Have been told that it shows up in my green eyed gaze. :)

Every few months, I clear my music out, then, replacing it with anything new.
Music in all genres has become increasingly sexual with time. 

Marvin Gaye was ahead of his time. His music would be considered mild in comparison to today's otic offerings. Same goes for Prince. They were both ahead of their time with their crooning of "sexual healing" and "head". Yupp. Mmm Hmm.

So, listening to Machine Gun Kelly & Camila Cabello' s "Bad Things", while working out, it conjures up feelings & thoughts of just that. Hah!

"Wow, those things are not so bad, I'd like to do some of those"

"Joining the mile high club was such a rush!"

"Dam, that guy would look good naked!"

"It will be nice to get home for some alone time, in the dark."

So, yeah, who need the "whisper" app? I have it all going on in my head!
Driving to the library, the car in front of me was just sitting there, not leaving the parking lot!
Looking closer, I saw that the driver was texting!

"What if I just tap the bumper with my bumper!"

Of course I wouldn't do it, yet, I sure wanted to!

"Move your ass, lady, get off your dam phone!"

"If it was someone I know, I would shoot her a text to tell her to MOVE!"

I'm becoming increasingly less tolerant of people whose life is online. People who ignore flesh & blood people who are right there with them in favor of a fake life on social media or anything online.
It seems so rude & uncaring to me. I can't change anyone, nor will I try. 
However, I can choose to opt out of the pervasive, obsessive, preoccupation many people have with their phones, laptops, tablets, etc.
I can exercise my option with my feet by walking away.

I had a smart phone for awhile, yet, I saw myself slowly sinking into the pseudo online life. As uncool as many people may think, I went back to a flip phone aka a burner.
What other people think matters less to me than my life choices to be a happy, healthy person.

Today, at the library, one of the noisiest places in Graham, TX.
Maybe the noise level is more noticeable because the library is SUPPOSED to be a quiet place, yet, it isn't.

"Gawd, it's the lady with the restless 4 year old boy! UGH!"

"I wish to hell, these people would use their inside voices!"

"Wow! That little squirrel is running around without mama!"

"Oh, no! I'm getting hungry!"

Only allowing myself to eat AFTER a workout is very motivating. Today, I have a combo of chopped kale, chopped spinach, chopped red cabbage, carrots, red bell pepper, walnuts, dried cherries.
I just squeeze some lime on it & drizzle olive oil, then add chopped white meat turkey.

YUMMMM!

Share your thoughts throughout your day....if you dare!

L8erz!

Airbnb Experience

On my recent trip to Mountain Home, Idaho, needing a place to stay, my wonderful son in law booked an Airbnb for me.

Oh, I had cruised the site before, dreaming of going to Ireland or Australia. Hotels & resorts are priced so outrageous. Airbnb is the equivalent of a Zimmerfrei in Germany.
It works like this:

An individual or a family has extra room in their home or they are going on a vacation, leaving their home vacant. 
Registering the space, with photos is easy. People, like me, looking for an economical, more personal place to stay, can cruise the site to find a place to stay. 
Simple as that.

My hosts were a very nice couple in their 20s who have a lovely home and 2 really sweet cats! The room was perfect! The location was only 1/4 mile from all the activity around the wedding. 
The home was spacious with wifi, a beautiful patio, a full, shared kitchen and a private bathroom. The bathroom was stocked with Shiseido shampoo & conditioner, new toothbrushes & toothpaste.
My hosts were very nice, very accommodating. The home was immaculately kept with great parking for my car.

The only drawback, which is a big one for me, is that both people are smokers. UGH. The morning I woke up it was cold & raining, so, my hosts smoked in their bedroom with the door closed instead of on their outdoor patio.
As someone who is highly sensitive to cigarette smoke, this put a bit of a shadow on my experience.

My advice?

If you're going to book an Airbnb & you are a nonsmoker who is sensitive to cig smoke like me? ASK if there are smokers living on the premises, also if the room has been smoked in before.
This may seem small, yet, to me, it was HUGE.

I would recommend the Airbnb that I stayed in, yet, if the person is sensitive to cigarette smoke, as I am, it might be better to look a little more at different options.

Challenging the body, restoring the soul

Thinking in 4 different languages comes naturally to me. So does thinking in poetic terms, sometimes rhyming, sometimes simply flowing.
Today, you'll just get the straight stuff. :)

Recently, I took a solo road trip to start the trip to Provo, Utah from Graham, Texas. It was challenging, a bit daunting, was unsure as to whether I could actually do it......or the other. *smile*
When I first started out, I felt like turning around to go home. It was just THAT overwhelming. This beautiful quote from Mr. Hemmingway came to mind!

......and so, I FLEW! Adhering to the speed limit, of course! ;)

Cruise control is a marvelous invention.

With the recent episode of debilitating pain in my back & right arm (the one I drive a car with!) I was unsure how it would go.
Knowing that this was a trip I wanted to take, needed to take, still, a bit unsure, I started the drive of nearly 1,000 miles! The solo driver, straight through, only stopping to fill the gas tank!

Arriving in Provo was a head rush, a bit confusing, tired & happy!
It was also very empowering to make the drive alone, proving to myself that I could do this! Wonder Woman skills!

Now, the long solo road trip is something many people do every day, yet, it was far from the usual for me. 
Living in a small town, the excess road traffic was overwhelming at times. Also, the last solo road trip for me was Colorado Springs, CO to Panama City, FLA more than a decade ago.

It's been a minute.

All of my fears, the safety factor, the niggling little doubts as I had never taken the car I have, now, on such a long journey.

I received the gift of some gas money from my dear friend, Janice. THANK YOU SO MUCH!

Enough of the challenging the body talk!

Now, to get to the restoration of the soul!

As I very rarely see family members in person, the time spent with them is most often by phone or face time.
It falls slightly short in the pleasure factor of face to face, hugs, sharing a sofa or a meal. 
The small things that bring us close.

Seeing my youngest daughter in person, hugging her, kissing her face, hearing her incredible wit, seeing where she lives, it's pure pleasure for me.
A pleasure I dearly miss. 
It truly adds a soothing balm to my soul like nothing else can!

Then, there was the party before her wedding.

Seeing my eldest daughter, hugging her, seeing her beautiful smile, it made me forget that she fails in planning or communication with me. It all melted away. It was replaced with love, with the sheer joy of holding her close, again.

Neighbors from when I lived in Colorado were at the party, as were many people who were my little bride-to-be's friends, co-workers, family of her handsome Prince. 
It was such a happy time!

Then there was Nancy & Gus, life long friends who are more like family to me than most of my family! The love, fond memories, the connection that radiated from their heart to mine was truly a restoration of the healing & uplifting sort.
Those 2, lol. 
That sums it up!

There was the party before my darling girl's wedding, the wedding itself in Provo, then......the long drive up to Mountain Home, Idaho, with Nancy & Gus. The time flew by as we talked, connected, shared our joys as well as the trials we had endured since the last time we spent time in person.

There was also an unexpected surprise! When my daughter mentioned the name of one of the sweet ladies working to put DD's wedding reception together in Idaho. It felt, in my intuition, that she was someone I had known when I was a 20 year old active duty USAF member, at Hickam AFB, Hawai'i.
I was quite sure I knew her.
Sure enough, it was HER!
The surprise, the wonder, the connection was still there! When 2 people truly connect, the connection remains over time, space, life events, even over disagreements. 
The connection stays in the hearts of 2 friends.

As we were driving straight through from Mountain Home, Idaho to Texas, only stopping for gas & potty breaks (combining the 2), the long drive ahead was daunting. Yet, it would be with the company of my dear dear friends, Nancy & Gus, their son and a sweet teen girl who made the drive so much fun!
She was surprised at my music knowledge & that I like the music of NOW! Current music that she, also, likes!
Hmm, either that puts me on the same level as an 8th grader or it makes me cool, awesome & current with the times!

I'll take cool, awesome & living in the present moment!

It was fun to share music & listen to her!

Switching off between Nancy riding shotgun with me, then this wondrously mature girl, made the long drive a pure joy!
Yeah, my arms became tired, yes, my back felt a bit stiff at times, yet, it was worth it & I would still do it again!

The trade off of happiness, connection, love, family time & a welcome change of life pace was so very worth the long drive(s). Being, in person, with people I love, who I know very well, share history with, who know me yet, still, love me unconditionally with all of my quirks, flaws, etc.

Do one thing each day that scares you, challenges you or both!

The pay off is so worth it!