The Mother Hover

Have you heard of this phenomenon?

Have you participated in it?

Have you been the giver or receiver?

It's the dreaded mother hover!

The dad hover also exists.

When spending a bit of time with grown offspring, I notice something that's fairly common, also fairly annoying. The number of times the friends of my kiddos receive calls from their mother or father. The parent will text & call their grown child (as in a child living independently of their parents, usually around age 25+). The parent will continue to text & call over and over and over throughout the day.

This is more than a parent - child close relationship. It's a parent trying to force their grown son or daughter into a pseudo relationship with them. The grown progeny is trying to establish their identity, their likes & dislikes, their life as a separate individual.

Of course, as parents, most people love their children, want to be a part of their child's life. The parental reward for the pain, sacrifice, time spent $$$$ given freely, is a relationship with the child.

Guess again!

Many parents never receive that reward for all that they gave.

Trying to force the child to keep in touch only pushes the son or daughter further away. Even when the son or daughter lives within 10 miles. There will often be no Christmas gifts (often, not even a card or phone call). No Mothers Day, no fathers day, either.
Nothing.

A casual conversation with a woman who found herself in  this painful lack of relationship said something that seems to be true.

She said, "You will know if you REALLY DID have the love of each of your children by the way they treat you when they become independent of you in adulthood. If it was simply more of a parasitic interaction, they won't have much to do with their parent when they no longer need mom and/or dad for $$$$, housing, food, etc."

I believe this to be true.

It's a very sad fact in today's world, that 61% of adult children rarely if ever contact their parents once they become adults.

61 %!!!!!!

There are many reasons for this. Some reasons are valid if the parent is an alcoholic, addicted to illegal drugs which causes the parent to be verbally, emotionally or physically abusive toward them.

Mostly?

A lack of respect, a lack of care, a lack of gratitude on the part of the son or daughter is the root cause. The rampant selfishness that pervades the world contributes greatly to the disconnect. All of the hard work of a parent while the child was living at home, sucking up resources, goes unrewarded, never acknowledged by the child.

This is very sad.

It's deeply painful for the parent. Sometimes the adult child will "come around" before it's too late and the parent(s) pass on. More often, sadly, it doesn't happen. 

In my humble opinion, this destructive phenomenon is a part of what is wreaking havoc on today's society. 

The answer?

The best guess I can give, when this happens, is for parents to simply live their life, be happy, live for yourself. Just as the selfish offspring are doing.

If there are several adult children & 1 or 2 remain in contact, wish for a close parent-child relationship ~ cherish those who do, put the ones who don't out of your mind.

I don't keep photos on the walls of my home of the adult children who are neglectful & disrespectful toward me. I live my life as fully as possible. I cherish the one child who calls me every Sunday because she wants to. She expresses constant love, kindness, gratitude toward me. It's mutual!
She shares her life with me on a regular basis, tells me what is happening in her world as well as her thoughts about it.

I love this!

The near perfect scenario would be for all of my kiddos to be this way. It's better, healthier to focus on that which I have, enjoy the relationship, cherish it.

And so, I do!