Adulting

 

When I was a child, I didn't think adult life would be a challenge. 

I KNEW it would be.

All around me, I saw the strife of interpersonal relationships, financial worries, health difficulties, fatigue from a long workday, emotional difficulties, mental health difficulties, deep insecurities.

One of my cousins was mentally handicapped. I never knew his exact age. He constantly slobbered all over himself plus anyone within a 6-foot radius around him. He made very expressive noises, he laughed a lot, suffered the occasional cold or flu. He couldn't feed himself very well, he still tried. Sometimes he made it to the toilet, sometimes he didn't.

With all the difficulties in caring for him, my aunt & uncle loved him, took excellent care of him. 

He was a very loved child. The medical people told my aunt & uncle that he would live for, maybe 10 years, more or less.

He proved the doctors wrong!

He lived until he was almost 50 years of age. More or less. I had been out of touch with extended family. When I heard of his passing on, I cried, I loved him so much. Serving in the USAF had taken me so far from the small town in Michigan, life kept me hella busy.

They had 3 more children besides him. They treated him as equally as possible, like their other children, while expecting less from him.

When my aunt & uncle along with their other children visited us, they brought him with them.

Some people might think it would be unpleasant to have this wild child with them when they visited. He was actually quite charming; he was loved & accepted by extended family as much as his siblings. 

He was a very loveable happy guy!

He laughed a lot, he hugged a lot, he made some disgusting noises which was so entertaining. When he made fart noises or really any noise, we all laughed. He would clap his hands, grinning & making his happy noises. It was hilarious!

He was a world class belcher. To get the show started, we would give him warm root beer! 

He would deliver, every time! He belched & laughed, most of us around him would laugh. Sometimes someone would fake belch or deliver a real one, the kind that echoes.

He loved hugs, long tight hugs which delivered enough saliva from him, if you just added some shampoo, you could wash then rinse your hair, maybe your body, too. 

My aunt tried to keep a bib on him, he hated that, often he would rip the bib off then hand it to her & shake his hand at her in triumph! 

Sometimes, when his parents had to get things done, they would put a bib on him that was very difficult for him to take off. It kept him busy for at least 30 minutes or until he figured out how to take it off. This also served to tire him out. When he became tired from trying to take the bib off, he would go to his bed to sleep. Sometimes he would be so tired, he would drop to the floor, where he stood, too tired to make it to his bed. Smart tactics, I thought.

Whatever he was or was not, I loved him! Not like a brother, I was more fond of him than I was of my 3 brothers. My brothers were siblings with the rivalry that naturally occurs between siblings.

He was vulnerable, yet strong.

He loved unconditionally, though he sometimes let others know that he was not happy about something someone said or did.

He had a slight temper, angered quickly, became happy just as quick, all was forgiven within seconds. Big slobbery hugs followed.

When my aunt & uncle, along with my cousins visited, I volunteered to watch over him. Sometimes he liked that, sometimes he didn't. Even though he couldn't talk, he communicated very clearly.

It was my task to make sure he didn't run out into to the dirt road my parents' house was on, to keep him from being hit by passing vehicles. We lived in a somewhat rural area, on a dirt road, there was plenty of acreage to run & play. He was so much fun!

If he became a bit bored, he would drop down to the ground, cry out loudly. That was my cue to think of something fun to do. It was always something simple for him. Yeah, he was easily amused.

Sometimes, I would start pulling weeds up out of the ground, then, shake the bits of dirt from the roots, onto his hair. He would laugh, then do the same thing, sometimes shaking the dirt into his own hair, sometimes into mine. I had to pace this activity as he would sometimes escalate into finding a pile of dirt, then throw double handfuls at my face or his own. 

Sometimes he would start eating it!

There was never a dull moment with him.

If I was not at home when his family visited, things would sometimes get out of hand with him. He may have sensed that I truly loved him. Yeah, the family really loved him, too, all family members understood that he was different, required more patience, sometimes more than any of us had. We still loved him; still understood he was doing all he could.

To put this dynamic in better context, if you have ever seen the movie, "Nell", it gives a clearer idea of what my adorable cousin was like. Except, the character, Nell, was most likely born less mentally handicapped, she seemed to be more of a product of her environment.

She was, just as my cousin was, a pure soul. She had speech impairment though she communicated quite well. She was aware of her surroundings some of the time. Some of the time she was oblivious. It was, sometimes difficult to perceive which.

These were fun charged moments when my cousin visited.

These snippets might give you, dear reader, a bit of insight into some of my fear of going out on my own, into the adult world.

If I were to be injured to the point of becoming mentally handicapped, would people be as understanding of me as everyone had been with my cousin? In life, not all that goes around comes back around.

If I were to marry, then, give birth to a baby with the mental capacity of my cousin, how would I handle it? 

It would be entirely different to have a mentally handicapped child vs occasionally entrusted with watching over my cousin, keeping him entertained & safe.

There are, of course, many different people in the world who are unkind, who have their own agendas. People who harm others for their own self - serving purposes. People who engage in casual sex, robbing, killing, manipulating others to their will.

I have one or maybe more cousins who is like that. One, in particular has been repeatedly incarcerated for 90% of his life. He would serve his jail time, often being released early for good behavior. Within days after he was released, he would rape or commit armed robbery or some such offense. He would be picked up by LE's, back into the pokey.

As ridiculous as this sounds, my particular cousin was (maybe still is) just as charming, adorable, quick tempered then quick to forgive, as my mentally handicapped cousin.

He gave me the same vibes as a spider, biding time in a web for a fly to come along. Just like the fly or other such insect, the future prey would approach somewhat cautiously, get drawn in. By the time the prey was firmly stuck in the web, it was too late. 

My cousin figured out, early on, that he was very attractive, that he appealed to most girls. He was an accomplished pinball wizard, a drummer in a band at a very young age, which appealed to guys who admired his skill. He had a way of drawing both genders in for him to exploit for whatever his purposes were.

I will always remember the "aha" moment when I realized that it was best if I stayed away from him. He really was so multi-talented, it even amazed me!

I went with my parents to my aunt & uncles' home for a visit. My cousin was older than me, he was about 17 or so. He had a new drum set that he was practicing on. He wanted to play the rhythm portion of a certain song; he asked me to listen to it.

It was so fascinating to listen to him, drumming. He seemed to morph into a music God when he played drums. He was self-taught, had such flawless rhythm. When he had played the drum solo for me, he had worked up a sweat from the effort, he actually smelled really good!

I asked him:

"What are you thinking about when you play drums?"

His answer told me all that I needed to know to stay away from him.

" Do you really want to know, it's kinda scary!"

I said, "Sure."

He said:

"Usually I'm thinking about f*cking 6 chicks at the same time or that the drum is a rich guy's head & I'm smashing his skull so I can rob him, go out, have a good time."

It was so truthful, brutally so.

When he said this, I knew to stay away from him.

With strong certainty, I say, members of my extended family are probably smiling, maybe nodding in recognition. Most likely, they know, they remember, exactly who these 2 people were or are. 

These life experiences, early on in my life, made the adult world seem so scary. Akin to a field of land mines that I could possibly step on, be damaged for the rest of my life. It told me to be very careful around people. The ones I thought I knew well, more so the ones about which I knew very little. These experiences told me that the world is full of good, kind people along with predatory people. I realized, early on, that it would often be tricky to discern which was which.

Somehow, I learned to discern this. Though I have encountered more than my fair share of each plus all the variables in between. A burning curiosity combined with a love for adventure can pose problems. It seems that I learned quite well how to navigate, if you will, adulthood.

Although, I see clearly, I have so much more to learn. With the high level of curiosity, a strong desire for adventure, a willingness to take calculated risks, remaining humble & teachable, I'm doing okay.

While many people see being an adult human being as such a drag. Seeing responsibility as a fun sucker, hating their jobs/careers, wanting so much that seems to be out of their reach (material good as well as nonmaterial).

Having a strong sense of optimism & burning curiosity about everything is butt kicking armature for an adult life that is filled with wonders.

Of course, I encounter difficulty, occasionally. Just like the old school child's toy. I may wobble, sometimes get close to falling down.

The Spook Life

Yeah - yeah, the spooky season has passed. I ain't afraid of no ghost!

This will be a more personal blog entry. 

You have been told, proceed with a spook on, let's go!

As a child, I started having spiritual experiences at the tender age of around 4 years, it was normal for me. Reality for me was that I believed everyone had the same experiences. When I spoke to my mother about my experiences, she told me that if I told people about my connection to the spirit world, I might be taken away to a funny farm.

Needless to say, I kept it to myself.

As I lived, learned, grew in spiritual understanding, I attributed my experiences of the thin veil between the human world & the spirit world to my Native American heritage.

One day, I made the shocking discovery that my mother had some very spiritual experiences, albeit, less than me, still, very profound.

I had my first OBE often referred to as an NDE at around 4 years of age. It was beautiful, felt very serene, I wanted to stay there. Alas, I was told that I had to go back, that I would return forever when it was my time.

In addition to the first, three more similar to the first one, enraptured me, every time. Almost a feeling of limerence, maybe in agape form.

There were a myriad of other spiritual types of experiences I had.

The WUG life chose me. 

At times, I could hear other people's thoughts. One such experience was when I went raspberry picking with a friend. We were on opposite sides of the long bramble hedge. I heard her, clearly say, "This is just like the times I spent picking raspberries when I was a child."

I spoke out loud, "Isn't this just like when you picked raspberries when you were a child?"

She ran so fast, around the briar hedge to ask me if I heard what she had been thinking. Answering truthfully, I told her that I had heard her thoughts, all of them. 

Sometimes I would see what a person's future held for them. A sort of prophesy, if you will, even if you won't.  👼

People have told me, many times, that I could make some serious cheddar if I were to give readings for profit. It's my personal belief that it would be wrong for me to do this. My spiritual gift is so precious to me, using it to make money would feel like prostitution. My spiritual gift was given to me for a holy purpose, to help others, also, to protect myself. Others with a similar gift are free to do as they wish, it's a very personal decision.

A reoccurring gift that has been more frequent than others is to be able to know the gender of a baby. A few times I knew a woman was with child even before she knew. Having been 100% correct, it still amazes me that this gift is so accurate.

Maybe it happens due to the fact that I'm spiritually sensitive, very receptive to intuitions that are given to me. I just might be a magnet, the kind that attracts spirits as maybe the word got out in the spirit realm.

"Psst! There's this spiritually receptive chick who can see & hear you, you're welcome, now, get down to spirit biz."

After ending a marriage that had turned abusive, life seemed so dark, hopeless. Only a very few people who I actually thought, cared about me, stuck by me. The rest showed me how little they cared by deserting me. During some of my darkest times, I received encouragement. A voice would speak to me inside my head. Usually when I was killing it on a cardio machine. 

Be honest!

Did you think the voices of encouragement might have been telling me to eat that brownie or commit crimes? Didja?

Nay, I say, the message was the same every time. It said:

"Keep going, life will get better. All that you have lost, want to have back, again will come to you, if you just keep going."

So, I believed, trusted the message, lived with a grateful attitude that it would happen.

Little by little, the encouraging message came true. In fact, it began happening in aces!

Most of that which I had lost that I wanted to come back to me, came back plus a few wonderful aspects that seemed to be out of my reach, began to appear to me. This is more about aspects of life than it is about material things, although there were a few material things.

I had always known I had a guardian angel. Prior to that miserable, post-divorce time, I had felt the presence, had never seen her/him in physical form. When some deep, pain filled disappointments hit me one right after the other, I felt so beaten down.

There was no appetite for anything in me.

Laying on my bed, in deep despair, I truly wanted to die. Barely taking sips of water, deeply hoping I would die. I was living completely alone for the first time in my life on the third floor in a beautiful 2 BR 2 BA townhome with a lovely view of the Colorado Rockies.

Fading in then out of consciousness for a few days, taking an occasional few sips of water. The relief of feeling myself grow weaker was a comfort. I laid there wondering how long it would take for me to slip into a coma then pass on.

I felt the sensation of a presence, next to my bed. In my spirit I knew exactly who it was. A feeling of warmth in my whole body came over me. I opened my eyes, unexpectedly, standing at the right side of my bed, there was my guardian angel. Just as solid as a real, living human being. Many people might be frightened by this, it was a curious moment. 

I knew who this was.

The members of the church I had been attending, had shunned me when the news of me leaving then divorcing the abusive ex. 

This was the start of my decision to leave organized religion.

Having always been more spiritual than religious, it made more sense.

My guardian stood by the side of my bed, looking at me with such a look of pained compassion, strong silent love. While the comfort was extended to me, I had to choose whether to accept it or not. At that point, I was questioning everything. Even wondering who God was or if there was a God. For the last 5 years of the marriage, I had prayed, on my knees, crying, begging to have the heart of the man I was married to, to be touched. For him to be less selfish, less cruel, to stop lying to me, to stay away from other women, to appreciate me, more. I prayed for his guidance, direction, understanding, tell me or show me what to do, how to save my marriage.

It felt like God had turned away from me.

When the guardian angel extended love, comfort, compassion to me? 

Right or wrong, I turned away. The feeling was that God had deserted me, I didn't want whatever was being offered. Laying there in my bed, I felt the angel's presence lingering. I fell asleep again, when I awoke, I felt the presence, no longer in physical form.

There have been times when a person I was blood related to or emotionally close to, came to me to tell me good bye around the time they passed on. 

A man who was like a father to me, I had even called him, Dad, he had been in poor health for a long time. He came to me in voice only. I was having a restless night, sleep just wasn't happening. I went into the living room of the home where I lived with the huzz & kiddos at the time. I laid on the sofa, looking out at the night sky. Then, I heard his voice very clearly.

He said:

"Brenda, I wanted to tell you that I'm leaving, now. I left you a gift of a large sum of money. I wanted to tell you that you are such a sweetheart, I love you. Now, I'm going."

I answered him, "Thank you, Dad, I love you, I will miss you!"

Just a couple minutes later, his son called me to tell me he had passed on. I felt sad for a few months after that, though I was happy that he was no longer in pain.

Also, I knew that his wife & firstborn son would mistakenly believe that I didn't know about the money Dad left for me. They kept it for themselves. I suppose their integrity has a dollar amount attached to it. 

A few years after that, I was living in El Dorado, a suburb of the canal zone, Republic of Panama'. Due to the abuse, by my parents, when I was a child, then, the cruelly selfish actions of my mother when I was an adult, I had ejected her from my life a few years earlier. Sent her a letter, telling her goodbye & why. She never approved of me or anything I did. It was time to stop hoping for or putting effort in to get her love or approval. I was done.

I was lying in bed, it was around 2 am. I was married at the time, he was asleep, snoring loudly, keeping me semi awake.

I had not seen nor spoken to my mother in almost 5 years. I opened my eyes, sat up when I heard her voice. Then, I saw her, just her upper front torso, a younger looking face, her beautiful red hair.

"Brenda? It's mom. I wanted to tell you I'm sorry for everything I did to hurt you. I'm going, now, just wanted to say goodbye."

I replied, "It's okay, Mom, goodbye."

Just then, the huzz stopped snoring, asked me who I was talking to.

He went back to sleep, no snoring, so I could sleep, too!

www.miramontcastle.org

When I lived in Colorado Springs, the town of Manitou Springs was very close. Manitou Springs is one of the most haunted places I have ever been. It was sacred ground to Native Americans until it was taken from them. 

Miramont Castle is a beautiful place in Manitou Springs, to take a self-guided tour for a small admission fee. It's also, very haunted. I went there regularly, to walk around, by myself. Though no one who was alive was with me very often, I had several entities to keep me company. I acknowledged them & they acknowledged me.

There have been so many of these spiritual experiences, there are more every day. People speak of the paranormal, for me it's simply normal. Everyday occurrences.

It can be called "the spirit" or "the Holy Spirit". Whatever's clever or what name is given; the messages given to me, speaking to me usually inside my head have always been 100% correct. Kind of like a muscle. The more I exercise trust, follow the guidance that is given, the stronger it becomes. Also, more frequently.

I used to treat it like cafeteria guidance, picking & choosing what to follow, what to ignore. I learned to follow the guidance nearly 100%.

It makes sense.

If a person, mostly ignored you, when you spoke to them, you might speak to them less or stop speaking to them at all. It seems to work like that.

When I have heard the saying, "Every zoo is a petting zoo if you have enough confidence." It causes my own introspection, "Everything is haunted when a person is spiritually sensitive."

Life can be good-haunted.