When I Died

When I died the world kept turning

The grass kept growing just as green

Birds kept singing as they built their nests

Trees kept dancing in the breeze

When I died

When I died I felt my heartbeat slow

Breathing was harder as breath became softer

As an uncontrolled whisper from my nostrils

Icy cold, I neverminded though I hate to be cold

When I died the mail was still delivered to me

Mostly junk some cards though fewer than 5 years ago

The grocers still stocked shelves with goodies to sell

Newspapers were still published with a mix of lies and truth

When I died the cars still passed by my house where I lay

People hurrying to work or getting errands done before supper

Children caught colds as their little pink noses & rosy cheeks showed

People continued with bringing their own sweet babies into the world

When I died the sweet release of earth cares was a happy one

Tinges of sadness for the few that would mourn my passing

Lasting only seconds replaced by new understanding of it all

Then I was everywhere with everyone and everything at once

When I died I no longer felt concern over wars or hunger

Those cares were left behind to go on to a renewal of life

Different life with deeper understanding of content of souls

As beautiful as I had hoped it would be plus so much more

When I died

Turn your cell phones OFF, put it in a place out of your sight. 

Talk to each other.

Whatever it is that is so important to you that you feel a need to look it up immediatly, can wait. The person who is there, with you, right now, is more precious than frivolous trivia.

Sincerely,

Those who love you, those who care about you.

********************************************************

Just to clarify, I was told of a personal friend who died by suicide. In the handwritten suicide note, my friend expressed how hard life was for them. That it had become too hard to connect with other people who care more about getting their "highs" from phones & technology. Caring less all the time for the person who is right there, with them, in person. More love for their phones, less love for other people.

It made me think, caused me to write.

Wonderful, beautiful, strange passage of time.

Maybe it's because of my birthday, this month, maybe it's that, combined with several factors. Life has a rather soft, sensuous feel to it right now.

Maybe it's because I have very few worries, at the moment. Having worked very hard to get to this state of bliss, it's nice. It was a very long road with many unforseen hurdles along with their rewards. After ending a long marriage, even financing the divorce, life was very uncertain for many years. I went through several years of feeling angry, scared, anxious, deeply lonely. 

In truth, I felt like a candle in the wind.

Also, it felt like I was traversing life in a dark tunnel with predators that looked more like friendlies. Impossible to distinguish at times. 

It's unclear just when I emerged from that darkness of the tunnel to the light on the "other side". I only know I did. What a wonderful world!

So grateful for this!

There are some people in my life who wish me to stay the same for their comfort. With all the talk in today's world, of healthy boundaries, setting healthy boundaries, etc. Many people would rather that others not have boundaries. When I have asserted my boundaries, the reaction is one of resistance. Sometimes, the other person will tell me how to feel as well as tell me what my own feelings are, according to their unprofessional opinion. 

Yep.

Um, no.

It's best to leave the conversation, send good thoughts.

A few days ago, I took the 1,000 mile drive to spend my son's birthday with him & his wife. 

There is a purpose in quadruple for the trip. 

A couple days after my son's birthday, I took a 30+ mile drive, from my son's home, to visit my youngest daughter & her wonderful husband. They have such a beautiful, wiggly, 3 months of age sweet little baby girl I NEEDED TO HOLD!

My daughter made a delicious dinner while her hubbs and I talked. Baby was hungry, I was able to hold her & feed her some "mewk" as opposed to "milk". My daughters clever way of distinguishing bovine milk from human "mewk." Isn't she so clever!

My own birthday is July 14.

That is yet to pass at this writing. Due to prior events in my life, birthdays used to be something I dreaded. Hint. It has nothing to do with age or becoming older. I see it as moving through time. 

Getting old is optional.

Someone who cared enough to help me resolve the dread of birthdays, has made them easier for me. When I celebrate my birthday, this year, it will be the first one of this decade with family. The last one was 2013.

The 4th of the quad is being able to go to what could easily be the best needlework shop in the USA. Probably one of the top 5 in the world. 

Yep, it's just that good!

Only 8 miles from where I've been staying. In past visits to this shop I have easily spent in excess of $300. Creating beautiful needlework is my passion, it creates so much happiness for me!

I set a limit for myself, this time. When I created a budget for this trip, I wrote the limit into the budget & stuck to it, well, very close.

This feeling in the air is about more than my birthday. It's so much bigger than me or this. If I was asked to pinpoint it, it might be a futile request or an even more futile effort.

It feels , in a very good way, like the tension in the air right before a heavy rainstorm. 

A side of lightning, thunder, hold the twister, plz.

A cleansing of sorts, moving debris out of the way for some new growth, positive changes, taking life in a beautiful new direction.

There might even be some flowers involved. idk.

The world around us is definitely changing. Before setting out on the long drive for my visit, I made some changes that are healthy, aesthetically pleasing to me. By the time I had done even half of the decluttering, there were 4 bags to throw out, 3 boxes to donate. I had a dresser in my bedrom that was too large. I had emptied the dresser, put it out to the roadside for someone else to take & enjoy. Spreading a beautiful, hand made Hawai'ian quilt on my bed in sage with a soft white background, it was so satisfying. I placed one round cherrywood night table on either side & one 1920s Art Deco bedside lamps on each of the 2 tables. Very Feng Shui!

The crowning touch is a breathtaking beautiful, original painting of the moon over water, done by Chuck Murphy. He was one of the good guys I knew during the time when I served at Hickam AFB. When I first opened the package, I was stunned. 

It was so stunning!

All I could do is stare at it in wonderment!

As pleasing as all these changes are, it will be sad to leave family. To avoid the letdown of going back to my home, far from family, unsure as to when the next time I will see them irl. I have arranged for some flowers to be delivered to me a few days after returning.

Flowers are definitely involved, maybe something else, too.

Do you cry?

 

It's nearly ingrained in many cultures of the world. It's expressed in attitudes, in music.

Big Girls Don't Cry (Re-released by Fergie 2007)

It's My Party

Cry (Faith Hill)

Angels Cry (Mariah Carey with Neyo)

Cry Me a River (Justin Timberlake)

Just to name a few. They seem to put a negative spin on one of the healthiest things a person can do when dealing with grief or stress.

The last time I cried was a doosie! May 7. It had been a long time before that. I'm fine with crying, myself or when anyone else cries. Even when men cry, yep, it's perfectly fine for guys to cry. Life has been pretty good for me, so it had been a long time since I cried sad tears. Happy tears, yes, sad tears, no. 

Shedding tears, to me, is like paper or grass. It just IS. 

So, why is it that there is so much negative connotation around crying? I'm sorry that the stigma attached to male people shedding tears, exists, guys, it's healthy for you to cry, too. It makes you more of a guy, a healthy, human, feeling guy. 

I have lent a shoulder to cry on, to many guy friends. It's somehow, more saddening, more heartbreaking to me, when a guy cries. Still,

I'm glad to be there for a friend when true sympathy is needed.

When men cry, as they rarely ever do.

When a man cries over you, I can guarantee he loves you. Men only cry when they lose something or are afraid of losing something or someone they love, even more than they love themselves.

If you need to cry, choose the shoulder very carefully. Being that vulnerable is tough, even tougher for some guys.

When I laugh, I laugh with the world. 

When I cry, I make sure I'm alone.

Betrayal of the vulnerable is rampant.

Romance...What Romance?

Oh yeah, peeps. There is bromance, girl crushes, guy crushes, obsessions, stalkers, trolls. Did I miss any category?

With the rise in popularity of online chat rooms. AOL, Yahoo, Google Hangouts. Then the dating agencies morphed into dating sites. Dating sites quickly became over run with married people turning them into "trolling for sex" sites. Many singles trolled for sex, too. Any sex they could get. Cyber, phone, irl. Anything.

By now, it's common knowledge that many of the profiles were either bots, fakes put there by the site itself or the loathesome romance scammers. Many of the profiles are just good ol' packs of lies.

1. Married people claiming to be single or the infamous "separated".(Separated as in she's at home with the kids, he lied about going out for a 1 - 2 hour trip for milk, cereal or a quickie. Still, married)

2. Lies about habits that will nix interest in their profile. 

(i.e. smoking, drinking, age, height, weight, location, job, interests)

3. Intention as in what the person is actually looking for. 

4. Photo shopped, altered, or 25 year old photos. This was sometimes done by noobs, possibly thinking it wouldn't matter very much.

(I admit, I was naive enough to believe it wouldn't matter. It does!)

5. The "Fake a Future" jerks. These snakes would write in depth of all the fun things they could do with you. Party, travel, support each others dreams, spend holidays with each others families.

Then? As surely as they passed into someones life. *POOF* GONE!

6. The ones who would message & chat for weeks, even months, without so much as a phone conversation or meeting in person. Most likely it was because they were married or in a committed relationship or lying about something that would be obvious irl.

As if all of the above was all that there was to weed through on the sites where lonely people were hoping to find a sincere match.

Enter: Romance Scammers

Usually more skilled than other fakers. Many, work together in teams, so they can be cnstantly available to their victims. Most often, when a victim thinks they are in contact with one person, it's actually 3 people, can be as many as 10 - 12 if the victim seems willing to surrender copious amunts of cash & assets.

Many people fell for these evil practitioners of flowery lies.

Who would fall for this load of dookie? Contrary to what many people have written that they believe ~ all sorts of people.

Younger

Older

Single

Married

Educated

Uneducated

Unattractive people who are lonely

Attractive people who are lonely

There is no certain type of person who falls for this garbage.

The media pays the most attention to the successful scams involving a small, laser focused pawn in a scam. The stereotype is an older woman who is widowed or divorced, obese, unattractive, lonely. The stereotype is just that. There are more types of people who are scammed, this demographic is simply the one the media hypes up.

Occasionally, I was contacted by a scammer. It was kinda fun to toy with them, to encourage them. 

One time, I agreed to send $500. I would use a new & popular type of money that was only printed in my state. Once I had sent it, they could print it from their computer. A very valuable type of money that all gamers love!

Then, when it became so easy that it got stale, I called them out, had a good laugh. It was fun to hear the various reactions. When a player realizes they had just been played, that's when it's fun for the would be victim, less fun or lucretive for the scammer.

Scammers are happy to fleece anyone who will believe the lies they tell, feeling sympathy for the made up stories that scammers use. The sad stories are often from a script that has proved to be successful over & over.

The media has paid more attention to stereo typing the victims as somewhat elderly, overweight, unattractive, widowed or widowers, with a comfortable income.

The truth?

If you believe the stereo type, I have ocean front acreage in Arizona!

(I know I just repeated, I did it with purpose.)

People of all different varieties have been scammed out of millions of dollars every year, worldwide. There is as much diversity in locations as there are in the victims, themselves.

Some scammers are even ballsey enough put on an act worthy of an Academy Award, scamming the victim in real life. I have nearly become the victim of this variety of scammer. Real life.

I say nearly because, I caught them early on, called them out.

Oh, the sheister lied at such a level, it seemed as if they might have believed their own lies. 

I saw through it, called them out, buh bye.

This also went for married guys, swearing they were 100% single.

Letting them know at the start that if they were, in fact, married or in a committed relationship, I would bust them. If not, no worries.

Keep yourself true to your marriage vows or relationship, or end it.

I was drawn into one of these webs of lies, I was nearly killed by the other half along with her girlfriends. I had no idea. The cheater had been doing it for so long, with so much skill at deception. She had the wrong person. The one who should have gotten a beating was the cheating, lying, husband.

Is romance completely dead?

Far too often the idea of romance is confused with sexual acts. There is a huge difference. A child can be conceived by only one of these. If you google the word, "Romance", hundreds of photos depicting sexual acts, poses, memes will appear. 

Even google has it wrong.

If romance between men & women is dead? Dating sites, chat rooms online, even texting along with snap chat played a big part as an accessory to its demise. Sure, cheaters are going to cheat. Using technology has made it easier to do, easier to hide or for the sloppy ones, to reveal.

Again, is romance completely dead?

Possibly it's still very much alive. 

Myself, I create a romantic vibe in my beautiful needlework. In the evening, the glow of candle light along with soft music lends a softness at the close of a day. Writing melodious poetry that is about more of a feeling than it's about another person.

That's my favorite style of poetry. To write about how I'm feeling vs about a person. 

Although the words may allude to a person, it's 99.9 % referencing a fictitious idea flowing from my heart into words.

I can still live with a romantic vibe, a feeling of soft well wishing emanating from the soul of a poet, the heart of a child.

The Last Princess of Hawai'i

 Princess Victoria Kawēkiu Ka‘iulani Kalaninuiahilapalapa Cleghorn was born October 16, 1875. Her birth was celebrated widely as the highest-ranking royal birth of the Kalākaua dynasty. But her death on March 6, 1899, was controversial. Some say she died of pneumonia brought on by inflammatory rheumatism. Was her death a result of horseback riding in the rain in Waimea on the big island of Hawai‘i, or did she die of a broken heart, as the San Francisco Morning Call reported? Since her death, she has continued to be memorialized in hula, mele (song), film, and other performances in Hawai‘i and around the globe. An elementary school in Nu‘uuanu, Honolulu, is named after her. She is memorialized with an annual keiki hula festival in October, usually around the time of her birthday. The event is hosted by the Sheraton Princess Ka‘iulani Hotel and involves a reenactment of the royal court of the Hawaiian Kingdom. The hotel sits on the site of her former home at ‘Ainahua. In 1999, a statue of her was built in Waikīkī, commissioned by Outrigger Enterprises to demonstrate its commitment to Hawai‘i’s past.

Ka‘iulani was named crown princess by her aunt, Queen Lydia Lili‘uokalani, on March 9, 1891. Educated in England, she traveled across Europe and the U.S. in her early twenties, spreading awareness about the U.S. overthrow in 1893. As an emergent head of state, Ka‘iulani carried her kuleana (responsibility) boldly, protesting the overthrow of the kingdom by writing letters to American newspapers, taking on Lorrin A. Thurston, one of the architects of the overthrow. She accused him of conspiring to keep her away from Hawai‘i so that he and other annexationists could steal the throne. The unexpected loss of the “hope of Hawai‘i”—as Ka‘iulani has been called—seemed to foreclose the future of the Hawaiian Kingdom, making way for the ascendancy of the American empire.

As Queen Victoria of the UK, Empress of India,struck up a pen pal friendship with the Ali'i of The Kingdom of Hawai'i, the crown princess was named in her honor. 

Hawai'ian Heirloom jewelry was personally, hand designed by Queen Victoria as gifts to the visiting Hawai'ian royalty when they traveled to England for the Queen's Diamond Jubilee. Hence, the olde English script that is inlaid with black onyx on each piece of of the prized, sought after pendants, bracelets, rings and such, in Hawai'i.

Three Queens

Kai'u'lani's birth brought a surge of hope to the people of Hawai'i. She was hapa. Half caucasian, half Hawai'ian. Her beauty, sweetness, playful nature & highly intelligent mind were admired by many. She was educated in England, spoke several languages including her native Hawai'ian. In her studies she was educated in science, mathematics, world cultures. She also played several musical instruments though she always preferred her koa wood uke'le'le.

Her first name was Victoria (I love the name, my brilliant daughter who is an engineer was given a name that fits her so well now). She was mostly known as Princess Kai'u'lani. The Royal Sacred One.

In her short life, she fought hard for her people. She had been groomed from her birth to rule as Queen of Hawai'i one day. The day, sadly, didn't arrive. Kai'u'lani loved her peacocks & peahens that roamed freely around the grounds of her home, sometimes even walking inside to visit her. It's been said that when Kai'u'lani died, there was a loud crying of her many beloved peacocks.

Kai'u'lani may have passed from this world to the next. Her life, her love, her legend, still lives on in the hearts of thousands of people.