When the day arrives....

Life has many twisty turnies. Some are happy, some less happy. One thing is for certain.

One of the constants in the universe, one of the "keys", if you will. Everything has highs, lows, indentations & variations. It's important to know how to roll with it. Also, when to roll, when to stand firm.

Rock & Roll, baby!!!

Something it took me a long time to learn, although, I'm sure there are many people out there who learned this sooner than I.

Finally, I learned to stop seeking the approval of others. Stop being a super friend to those who are "sponge people". People who will soak up all that you will give them, do for them, without caring for the giver, in return. Mmm Hmmmm.

I spent the first part of my life giving gifts to, showing love for, bending to the will of my mother who just didn't care about me. She never gave her approval, acceptance or love to me. The few times she did, she yanked it back afterward with a mean spirited remark or a brisk slap across my face.

As a small child, she constantly told me that she didn't like me. Constantly told me ~ 

"I give you food in your gut & a roof over your head, only because I have to!"

Right after my 4th baby was born, she hired an attorney to sue me for visitation with my children. On the day, I came home from the hospital with my 4th baby, the phone rang. I lived in Nebraska, she lived in Michigan. She was demanding that I drop my 4 children off with her, in Michigan, for 2 weeks out of every year.          
They did not know her, she did not know them. 

Umm, that's a no fly zone.

Threaten me? I will fight back.

Threaten my babies? I would unleash hellfire fury in return. 

My children, all 4, half Filipino. 

(Same father, is that shocking?)

Beautiful, precious children. When I took my first born from Hawaii, where she was born, at 18 months, to Michigan, for a visit. I was hoping that my mother would soften & we could form a bond, sadly, it didn't happen.

My mother would only refer to my precious baby girl as ~

"Little half-breed"

She seemed to forget that her husband, mine & my siblings father, was not Caucasian, either. He was almost 100% Native American.

Still, although I never saw her, again, after that humiliation, I still had hope in my heart, that someday she would accept me, approve of me. She passed on before that could ever happen.

When she hired that attorney to threaten me, for visitation with 4 small children who didn't know her, that was it, for me. As a military family, we moved out of the country for almost the next 10 years, anyway. It would have been expensive visitation. Whilst we were still in the USA, before boarding a plane for Germany,  I dropped a letter in the mail, to my mother, effectively, telling her good bye & why.

Unfortunately, I still had the toxic habit of approval seeking.

See what I did? I HAD the habit, stick a fork in it, it's done!

Being a tender hearted, giving sort of person is rough. It seems to me that it is a lesson I was sent to earth to learn. To refrain from seeking approval from anyone & everyone.

Finally, I learned it.

Many people in the world bring children into this life believing that if they are the best parent they know how to be, the child will love & respect them. 
Many people believe that if they sacrifice for their child, teach them, love them, guide them, the child will become their friend, when the child becomes an adult. Many parents kiss their children's boo-tay along with whoever their son or daughter is married to, hoping for some love, friendship, appreciation. Hoping that when their children marry then have their own children they can be there.

Just a little?

Umm, nope.

Sometimes, yes, sometimes, no.

Along came the approval seeking behavior spider, then sat down beside me, to teach me that lesson, again.

This time? 

It stuck.

The giver in me thought that if I gave gifts & time to a son in law who despises me, he might like me or maybe despise me, less. He might allow his children the gift of a Mimi who loves them. He might act in accordance with the religion he professes to live.

Nope.

Never happened.

After a decade?

Nope.

His interaction with me has the same 2 settings that the ex huzz had. 

1. Interrogate

2. Ignore

He is so much like my daughters father, such a shame.

I realize that he is acting as a deeply insecure male who feels inadequate, unequipped to interact with a secure, independent woman. There are many types of dangerous people in the world. Insecure males can as well as often, do, wreak the most havoc.

First, within themselves, then outward at others.

People who are close to the "situation" might say that it's untrue that this person despises me. The same people who state, "Believe actions more than words". His actions toward me, are dismissive, accusatory, condescending. Actions say it all.

Equally pain filled was having my first born treat me as a convenience item. Only when it was convenient for her to get in touch did she contact me. I'm fully aware that she has 4 small children. I, also had 4 small children, a demanding & controlling husband. I also had much more sparse ways to contact others as well as for them to contact me. Still, I gave my time, love, attention to those who called on the phone or came to my home.

It was the moment it was pointed out to me as to whom I was dealing with, that I caught myself, doing it again. It was recently an AHA, moment. I had to realize that I had to let go of the hope that the son in law would soften so that it would be possible to have contact with my daughter & their 4 children.

Nope.

I had to let go.

This time, there was no letter, just a simple admission to myself in a blog entry. I was doing it to myself, so, I simply stopped.

No letter, no tears, no pain, no conversation. 

10 years in the making.

I will only go where I feel loved, appreciated, where my presence is welcomed. These lessons were learned mostly from staying in a marriage where, although there were many people around, I felt so alone, so unwanted. 

It's healthy to avoid places where I know I'm not wanted.

The day arrived, for me, I finally learned.

Does size matter?

Does size matter?

Yes
and 
No

What matters more? 
Confidence!
Integrity!
Truthfulness!
Loyalty!
Fidelity!
Compassion!
Kindness!

Recently, the media is making some noise about Barron Trump. Melania Trump is 5'10. President Trump is 6'. 
The guy is 14 years of age. He is 6'3", still growing!
He may be the first "first son" in the white house in a very long time. He is most definitely the tallest guy to live in The White House. The almighty (gag) media is noising about it.

Most girls want bigger or firmer or more perky  breasts, most guys want to be taller or longer. Mmm Hmm. I wrote it. 

In truth, I believe that there are many aspects in raison d'etre which matter more, in a man, than height. 
The problem lies in the guys who let their height or lack of it, affect their view of themselves. They wish to be bigger or taller or longer or thicker, it causes them to feel less confident in their masculinity.

Guys????

You are just fine, really fiiiiiiiine, just as you are. Ya feel me? Good!

The right girl will tell you this. She will care more about the way you treat her, the way you treat others, your own confidence, than she will ever care about whatever you are insecure about.

With all of the talk about empowering women, men should realize that their power lies within them. Their self esteem & confidence.

Peace out, y'all!

An Enigmatic Man

Having studied, a few years ago, the science of Alchemy as written of by Le Compte de St Germain, I had not pondered the practice for awhile. (Compte is Count, in the French language).

Drinking alcoholic beverages is something I do from time to time as in much less often to keep my caloric intake low, keep my health preserved. Feeling a somewhat less "preservative" I headed to a  local store that could assist me.
There is a very cool guy who works there who is a fantastic conversationalist. (Hey Dylan!). He had pointed out a rather beautiful bottle, containing a pricey liqueur to me on a previous visit. It has a very beautiful bottle. Of course, a beautiful bottle is befitting the name. It's contents? Hmm.

Elderflower French liqueur. I thought about it. I went to the store to purchase the liqueur, promise the bottle to Dylan when it became empty.
This is less of a review of events or the liqueur, more of a renewed interest in the study of the life of Le Compte de St. Germain.
The count has been a mystery since the 1700s, possibly earlier. 
According to centuries old accounts of this man, he was born or is said to have been born around 1691 - 1710.
It has been speculated that Le Compte was of French Nobility, it has also been thought that he was an Alsatian Jew, equally unfounded that he was of the Habsburg Dynasty, protected from the enemies of the dynasty.
Whoever he was or equally was not, he was a very educated gentleman of wealth, intelligence, extraordinary abilities. When a friend had acquired jewels that were sold as perfect yet were found to be flawed? St Germain would take the gems home with him, returning them the next day, perfectly free of the flaws. Alchemy. It was also said of him that he was taken in, educated from the age of 4 years in Italy by the last of the Medicis.
Le Compte also spoke more languages, fluently, than anyone up to the date on which he displayed the knowledge by conversing with one whom no one else could understand. He played every instrument offered to him, eloquently. He also composed music right on the spot when it was requested of him. Fine, beautiful symphony music that had never been heard before by anyone.
These qualities plus many more made him a curiosity of all.
Curiouser
et
Curiouser
St. Germain was rarely seen to eat or drink much. Perhaps a few sips of tea or a couple spoons of porridge (oatmeal). He never ate nor drank much of anything. He was judged to be in excellent health, was a vigorous dancer, could sprint with exceeding speed. After running fast for several minutes, he was never out of breath.
He was found, at times in the company of the likes of Francois- Marie Arouet who was known by his nom de plume - Voltaire.
Voltaire was well known for his philosophical musing, writings, points of view. Also for being very witty. Infamously for his views on Christianity, most often criticizing The Catholic Church.
Voltaire dubbed Le Compte de St Germain: "The man who knows everything, eats nothing, never ages, never dies." 
There were so many declarations of who Germain was as well as exaggerated tales of him by people who never knew him, the lines were very blurry. The clear waters were muddled over then over again.
St. Germain was said to not age at all after the age of around 35 - 40 years. A woman of around 70 years of age, who had said that she had known St Germain when she was a girl of 10 years, when he appeared to be around 40, she exclaimed that he has never aged at all. When she approached him, asked him his secret, he told her he was around the age of 300 or 500 years, he said he had lost count.
This seemed to be true.
Since the 1700s, le Compte de St Germain has been believed to have died on several occasions, yet, no body was ever found. He has also turned up through out the years in various places in the world as recent as 2018. He will not outright say who he is. Not his name or his origin. He seems to have no spouses, no children, no address. 

Richard Chanfrey claimed to be St Germain. He was a good actor.
The man who knows everything, eats nothing, never dies. Still here.
The St. Germain Elderflower Liqueur?
It's very lightly sweet with a wild berry flavor combined with a citrus blend. It's 20% ABV which makes it pleasurable to sip very slowly. VERY SLOWLY. At home, alone, no driving until afternoon of the next day. I can be a bit wild, I always obey the law, mostly.
When I opened it, I poured it into a very fine long stemmed  Toscany Romanian hand blown crystal cordial. The crystal was lighter than the French liqueur by half. It seemed fitting to sample the delicate flavors in such a delicate, floral etched crystal work d'art.
The bottle will take some time to become empty. The promise will, as always, be kept kept. I take making & keeping vows very serious.

It's all that we have...

Take the time to be grateful
Take the time also to be kind
So that you will have peace
Within your mind
Loved ones will all pass on
Here today gone tomorrow
Much to our disbelief
Much to our sorrow
There is much need for love
There is much we can do
If we care for others 
With a heart that is true

I can see clearly now

It's been a journey, my friends. I am happy to say, I'm climbing up out of the proverbial rabbit hole. No help from anyone. By myself. Having gotten myself into this mess, I had to get myself out of it. I let too many things go neglected. The weight of it all was too much, it only became heavier with time.

Have you ever been so preoccupied by a series of events or perhaps one cataclysmic event or two, or even three? So preoccupied, struggling to cope, then, becoming weary from the struggle.
This behemoth of a frame of mind feels like an insurmountable wall that buries one alive inside ones mind. It places one, struggling to feel normal. Whatever "normal" is. 
A person can feel themselves sinking deeper, deeper, deeper. The sinking keeps going until one day it starts to manifest itself to the outside world.
Financial gain is made from the misery of this struggle.
You know that you have seen this. Don't you?
Reality bites such as ~
Hoarders
The Biggest Loser
Social Media
A person may be struggling to cope. Said person begins finding comfort in food. Then, bravely exposing their pain to the world as millions of onlookers watch them lose the weight that they piled on.
Someone who is feeling like they are losing their grip on life might comfort themselves with "stuff". Buying or collecting stuff, stuff, then, still more stuff. Offline, online, dumpsters, second hand shops. People who are well wishers will gift someone who they know is struggling, giving them stuff. The sufferer happily accepts.
Sometimes the sufferer barricades themselves in under layers of fat, sometimes barricading themselves in their home, surrounded by stuff. Self care might cease. It's too hard to move a mountain of stuff to get inside the bathroom. The rabbit hole becomes so deep that intervention is all that can save the sufferer from themselves.
Query: What if intervention never happens?
Hoarders
The Biggest Loser
Social Media
What does Social Media have to do with this?
Social Media is the perfect veneer to provide camouflage. On Social Media a person can show the world a smiling happy face, doing fun shizz. They are traveling, going to cool places, looking so happy.
The person might even be staying at home, needing to clear the clutter, the filth off of a surface. Sometimes a counter or a table, to show to the world the cool thingamajig they just made. 
*Caveat*
Some people might not be suffering to such an extreme. Only wanting, genuinely, to share. Showing off baking skills, crafting skills or even that uber perfect paper clip they just found. 😉 Their child may have fallen asleep with saliva dripping from their sweet little angelic mouth Awwww!
It's easy to be so much cooler online.
About me? I'm a fixer chik! I have a deep capacity to love, to give. When I see suffering ~ I want to fix it! In time I learned when to hold back, when to step in. I hold back more than I used to. There are predators out in the world who L-O-V-E people like me. The ones who accept over & over with no desire to reciprocate. Their little pail of water gets filled, they never fall down and break their crown. The giver keeps tumbling after. See what I just did?
Happiness in life requires balance. Although I give to give, graciously receiving once in awhile is nice, too.
It's helpful to suggest a solution after describing a problem.
If you know someone who is suffering as the one described above, sprinkle some milk of human kindness on them. That can work wonders. The declarations of "I will pray for you" is lip service. Love is a verb, it requires action. 

Ça doit faire mal pour être beau

Whaaa???

The French say it the best! 
Beauty is pain. 
It sometimes hurts to become beautiful, sometimes also hurts to remain beautiful.

French people or mostly people who speak French will get it



Do you believe?
(that beauty is pain)

*SPOILER*
Pssst! This is going to be a wee bit girlie!

If you disbelieve & you're a girl ~

Do you enjoy manicures & pedicures? If you could just click your heels together for your hands & feet to be pretty instead of going through the time it takes to get there, would you?

Is putting makeup on your face (maybe your body, too) a joy to you? Do you like it or loathe it? 
Yeah, I wasn't born with blue, silver or purple eyelids, either!
Personally, I love applying makeup. I don't wear very much makeup, I do enjoy putting it on.

Isn't the pain of tweezing your eyebrows or having them & various other hairy places on your body waxed just a lot of fun? Isn't it such a fun time to shave your arms & legs? Mais oui!

Many people trounce it all, just using filters to convince themselves along with everyone else that they look better than they actually do. As in "irl". (in real life).

This brings me to a supposition, if I may.

If all the makeup in the world, all the hair dye, nail lacquers, along with every filter used to make people look better, vanished.
*POOF*
Gone!

What would people be left with?

Possibilities are ~

Worldwide declining birth rates
More people with more self confidence
Fewer posts on social media
People would have more money
Possible higher unemployment (temporarily)

I could then make another supposition to get rid of all beautiful shoes.
Cue in ~ NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
So, I won't go there!

Christian Louboutin pumps, I want them so bad! I have nowhere I would wear them!

Sometimes going through a bit of discomfort for beauty is worth it.

Freedom!

Oh! To slip free of
The bindings of time
Of space
Oh! To feel relief from
The sadness time can't 
Erase
Oh! To lose myself inside
Creative pursuits of my
Art
Oh! To express the joy
That lives within
My heart
Oh! To unburden myself
Creating beauty with a sense
Of Peace
Oh! the satisfaction it gives
To be the free spirit I am
In release

Admins, Moderators & Trolls, oh my!

The internet can be a very amusing place. People can, also will, be anyone or anything they wish. That is, until they go too far or make a really big boo boo! 
It's easy to make a big boo boo, it takes a long time for people who saw it to forget it, even more time to forgive!

If your boo boo involves an Admin to a page or similarly, a moderator?
The offending party will be kicked out, banned, blocked. It doesn't matter what the offense is. If it offends the Admin(s), you're toast!

The Admins on some pages will as well as often do, post about their family problems, their children's illnesses/ operations.
The almighty Admin can break the rules, they are the ones with the ability to do whatever until another Admin call them on the proverbial carpet. LOL.
Then?
THEY are toast.

People who are Admins on FB pages have asked me on a few occasions to act as an Admin. I politely declined.
I see the tyrannical actions of some of the Admins such as writing rude statements toward others. 
Making up clearly ridiculous rules that they, themselves don't follow, while expecting others to adhere.

OR ELSE

Many of the rules are good, sensible guidelines. Some are simply redundant, nit picking, many rules with similar meanings.

Netiquette is a must, unless, of course, you're an Admin.

As an Admin, the entity can, as well as will, do whatever they wish. This can include deleting, blocking, doing whatever they wish. Often, it's in a random pattern which few if any others understand.

In a kinder, gentler world, admins as well as moderators could be unnecessary. The ones who sometimes wielded the "power" would be more understanding. The world is an imperfect one with random flashes of kindness, PIF, human compassion.

For now?

Mind your manners or the manners of the almighty admin or face being thrown out, unfriended, blocked.

This is my story, I'm sticking to it.

Hash & Re-hash

Controversy alert!

If you are the sort of person who enjoys intellectual discourse or just got nothin' better to do, read on!  😎

Marilyn Monroe

I love the subtle slope of her shoulder in this photo.

President John F. Kennedy

Nicole Brown Simpson

Natalie Wood

UFOs

Area 51

Jeffrey Epstein

Princess Diana

People have been writing books, holding interviews, making You Tube videos, digging in dirt about these people as well as the subjects mentioned.. How long?
50 years plus!
Why?

Because people know that no one ever got the real truth about these subjects. 
In the case of people, it's glaringly obvious that their murders were a huge cover up. Someone with a lot of power has blood on their hands. Enough power to cause such a cover up. 
Layer upon layer upon such an infinite number of layers, the truth will never be substantiated enough to touch a powerful person or establishment.
It will never matter how much hard, irrefutable evidence there is.

People have never been able to be satisfied that the truth was told, the one(s) responsible for the deaths were never sufficiently held responsible for their crime(s).
A person or organization walked away, completely as well as sometimes relatively free of the consequences that a common person would be made to suffer, had they been devoid of power or strong influence.
With all the evidence presented by eye witness testimony, photographs, DNA evidence, circumstantial proof. A powerful establishment or person can simply say, "Pffft".

*POOF!*

Can't touch this.

Just as a person with a metal detector KNOWS there is treasure to be found, they will continue to root around in dirt until the treasure is found.
In this case, the "treasure" is the truth of criminal acts & cover ups.
People will continue to "dig in the dirt" until the truth is found.

Of course, John Q. Public knows that Princess Diana became an inconvenience. A public beheading or hanging would have caused an insurmountable outcry. A rebellion against the monarchy, the likes of which has not been seen since the French rebellion of 1789 - 1799, which abolished the French monarchy. A car crash as in, it was NOT an accident, was used in place of la guillotine or a rope.
Princess Diana hand written a note to a friend that she suspected that she was going to be murdered by car crash at some point.

Marilyn Monroe was told some state secrets whilst in the midst of pillow talk by President JFK as well as his brother RFK. She knew too much. When she was being casually discarded, she did what many women do who are shocked, angry, deeply, devastated. The emotional pain of feeling used then casually discarded as flippantly as one would discard toilet paper after its use. 
Flushed away, believing it's out of their hands, away from them, gone with complete certainty. They got their use from it.

Notice: I refer to a woman as an "it". This is how casually some people use others. Objectively. As an object vs an actual living breathing human. Living, that is, until the last tango.

Personally?

People who play with the emotions of others, I believe, should be held accountable, yet, the prisons would be overcrowded if that were the case. 
Males who profess that they would never physically harm a female, will manipulate, control, emotionally damage females far more than they ever could if they were to inflict bodily wounds.
Some females strike back. 
Their rage becomes so enormous at having been led on, used, played with, then, discarded. Some females will commit acts that, whilst legal, are devised to cause pain to the male commensurate with the pain the male inflicted so casually upon her.

She will rage on until the rage is gone, until she feels she has gotten her justice, until she can finally feel the peace restored to her soul that was there before her heart was shattered by someone.

Whether she does this or not, the scars on her soul remain.

The excruciating pain may soften to a dull ache, yet, the ability to trust anyone is eroded away a bit at a time.

Why am I tossing this tidbit into a blog entry about injustice?

Answer: The trust of the public in their government as well as their neighbors is eroded away with every lie, every cover up by those in power.
This same feeling is what is experienced world wide by many people when a glaring injustice is committed. Just as a harmed woman will rage over the wrong done to her, the public will NEVER stop digging until they get the truth.
Just as the the harmed woman will not receive closure from the male who hurt her, the public will keep digging, seeking the truth until they get it, which 99% of the time they don't.
The woman gets closure from raging. Right or wrong, she gets it.
For herself, by herself.

If the male mans up to give her a 1 time, sincere, truthful conversation, that's what most women need. Rarely if ever happens.

If the truth of the murders, incidents that had the truth covered up, were told. People would stop, mostly, making documentaries, writing books, magazine articles or even discussing it very much.

The used or wronged or lied to or hurt would have their closure.

It's gratifying to think about.

Unicorns

Santa Clause

Flying Monkeys

Buttless Dogs

The Tooth Fairy

The Easter Bunny