When the day arrives....

Life has many twisty turnies. Some are happy, some less happy. One thing is for certain.

One of the constants in the universe, one of the "keys", if you will. Everything has highs, lows, indentations & variations. It's important to know how to roll with it. Also, when to roll, when to stand firm.

Rock & Roll, baby!!!

Something it took me a long time to learn, although, I'm sure there are many people out there who learned this sooner than I.

Finally, I learned to stop seeking the approval of others. Stop being a super friend to those who are "sponge people". People who will soak up all that you will give them, do for them, without caring for the giver, in return. Mmm Hmmmm.

I spent the first part of my life giving gifts to, showing love for, bending to the will of my mother who just didn't care about me. She never gave her approval, acceptance or love to me. The few times she did, she yanked it back afterward with a mean spirited remark or a brisk slap across my face.

As a small child, she constantly told me that she didn't like me. Constantly told me ~ 

"I give you food in your gut & a roof over your head, only because I have to!"

Right after my 4th baby was born, she hired an attorney to sue me for visitation with my children. On the day, I came home from the hospital with my 4th baby, the phone rang. I lived in Nebraska, she lived in Michigan. She was demanding that I drop my 4 children off with her, in Michigan, for 2 weeks out of every year.          
They did not know her, she did not know them. 

Umm, that's a no fly zone.

Threaten me? I will fight back.

Threaten my babies? I would unleash hellfire fury in return. 

My children, all 4, half Filipino. 

(Same father, is that shocking?)

Beautiful, precious children. When I took my first born from Hawaii, where she was born, at 18 months, to Michigan, for a visit. I was hoping that my mother would soften & we could form a bond, sadly, it didn't happen.

My mother would only refer to my precious baby girl as ~

"Little half-breed"

She seemed to forget that her husband, mine & my siblings father, was not Caucasian, either. He was almost 100% Native American.

Still, although I never saw her, again, after that humiliation, I still had hope in my heart, that someday she would accept me, approve of me. She passed on before that could ever happen.

When she hired that attorney to threaten me, for visitation with 4 small children who didn't know her, that was it, for me. As a military family, we moved out of the country for almost the next 10 years, anyway. It would have been expensive visitation. Whilst we were still in the USA, before boarding a plane for Germany,  I dropped a letter in the mail, to my mother, effectively, telling her good bye & why.

Unfortunately, I still had the toxic habit of approval seeking.

See what I did? I HAD the habit, stick a fork in it, it's done!

Being a tender hearted, giving sort of person is rough. It seems to me that it is a lesson I was sent to earth to learn. To refrain from seeking approval from anyone & everyone.

Finally, I learned it.

Many people in the world bring children into this life believing that if they are the best parent they know how to be, the child will love & respect them. 
Many people believe that if they sacrifice for their child, teach them, love them, guide them, the child will become their friend, when the child becomes an adult. Many parents kiss their children's boo-tay along with whoever their son or daughter is married to, hoping for some love, friendship, appreciation. Hoping that when their children marry then have their own children they can be there.

Just a little?

Umm, nope.

Sometimes, yes, sometimes, no.

Along came the approval seeking behavior spider, then sat down beside me, to teach me that lesson, again.

This time? 

It stuck.

The giver in me thought that if I gave gifts & time to a son in law who despises me, he might like me or maybe despise me, less. He might allow his children the gift of a Mimi who loves them. He might act in accordance with the religion he professes to live.

Nope.

Never happened.

After a decade?

Nope.

His interaction with me has the same 2 settings that the ex huzz had. 

1. Interrogate

2. Ignore

He is so much like my daughters father, such a shame.

I realize that he is acting as a deeply insecure male who feels inadequate, unequipped to interact with a secure, independent woman. There are many types of dangerous people in the world. Insecure males can as well as often, do, wreak the most havoc.

First, within themselves, then outward at others.

People who are close to the "situation" might say that it's untrue that this person despises me. The same people who state, "Believe actions more than words". His actions toward me, are dismissive, accusatory, condescending. Actions say it all.

Equally pain filled was having my first born treat me as a convenience item. Only when it was convenient for her to get in touch did she contact me. I'm fully aware that she has 4 small children. I, also had 4 small children, a demanding & controlling husband. I also had much more sparse ways to contact others as well as for them to contact me. Still, I gave my time, love, attention to those who called on the phone or came to my home.

It was the moment it was pointed out to me as to whom I was dealing with, that I caught myself, doing it again. It was recently an AHA, moment. I had to realize that I had to let go of the hope that the son in law would soften so that it would be possible to have contact with my daughter & their 4 children.

Nope.

I had to let go.

This time, there was no letter, just a simple admission to myself in a blog entry. I was doing it to myself, so, I simply stopped.

No letter, no tears, no pain, no conversation. 

10 years in the making.

I will only go where I feel loved, appreciated, where my presence is welcomed. These lessons were learned mostly from staying in a marriage where, although there were many people around, I felt so alone, so unwanted. 

It's healthy to avoid places where I know I'm not wanted.

The day arrived, for me, I finally learned.