Passions

Passions

Many Passions of My Life

As a little girl, I loved horses, horses, horses. Kittens, puppies, baby guinea pigs. Then, I received a Barbie doll and a book for Christmas from my aunts. I loved that book. Read it over and over several times. Barbies allowed me to escape to a wonderful world of grown up women with perfect hair, perfect skin, beautiful clothes. I enjoyed making clothes for them. Being painfully shy, I could use my Barbies to act out situations I only wished I could do in real life. Parties, dances, an exciting, successful career, traveling the world with a group of wonderful friends.

Can you believe I still have my Barbies? Ha ha! neither can I. Still love them.

When a family bought some of our property behind our family home, they had 2 children and several horses that they allowed me to ride. Missy was a sweet mare, too big. Buttermilk was a palomino gelding who loved to canter, I let him! We cantered round and round that pasture, it felt like the sweetest pleasure I had ever felt at 13 years of age.

The couple divorced, the horses, the house were sold. 2 summers of riding Buttermilk, quite wonderful memories for me.

In High School I started noticing boys. OH NO! I was so shy, not sure that they noticed me. Skinny, shy, put my strawberry blond hair over my face when they tried to talk to me, anyway. I was a perfect target for bullies. The bullies definitely noticed me, yet, not in a good way. Abused at home, beaten up & teased at school. I barely got out of High School with a 1.50 G.P.A. I began looking for a way to get out into the world, maybe live like my Barbies! Maybe.

The USAF was the golden ticket!

When going to my first military assignment, I found that I loved the ocean. Anything to do with a warm ocean,warm sandy beach. I tasted my first sea food. Fresh sea food! Crab, lobster, scallops, fresh shrimp! YUM!

New Passion: The ocean!

Still love the warm ocean very much. 

My second USAF assignment was Edwards AFB where I discovered my passion for intricate, detailed needlework. It became a passion, almost an obsession. Loved it so much!

The ex husband hated my needlework. Too bad, so sad.

He is gone, I still have a passion for needlework!

When beginning to get back into shape, I re-discovered fitness. When I was active duty USAF, I exercised because I had to. It made me feel good, so, I did it more than necessary. I enjoyed it because I made myself enjoy it.

Rediscovering how good exercise makes me feel,makes me look, have found new joy, new passion. Every time I feel, then, see, new muscle definition from changing up my workout, it makes me love it more!

Recently, as I have observed my abs firming up, I have found the confidence to take my T-Shirt off, during a workout, yet, ONLY in the large exercise room with the door closed. *smile*. I have a Nike sports bra & yoga pants on. It's easier to do Yoga & Plates without a chilly, sweat soaked T Shirt from my cardio.

Makes it more enjoyable to experience this passion for fitness!

Have a great day, y'all!

The "S" Word

The "S" Word

"S" "S" and more "S"

North Texas got so much snow today! I couldn't believe it! I had to go in to work from 11 - 4. Then, the next person didn't show up, so,I came home just long enough to get something to eat, then, went back. 

I love my job!

So, I was happy to go back. Being alone, living alone, has been so difficult for me. Would rather be at work where there are lots of people. Where I have a purpose, a job, friendly faces even a bit of flirtation. Just a little. Have to be professional. While at work, I wear a white lab coat, name tag that says my name, my title as well as a special add on that designates that I am a Veteran who has served my country.

Learning the job, as an Optician, has been so difficult for me. It caused concern that I may have a learning disability. Then, the 3 other ladies who were hired at the same time as myself, mentioned all the mistakes they had made. It made me feel so much better. Made me feel like I'm pretty smart,after all. Felt like, I could really, truly do this!

Today, my Manager said, "You're an awesome associate!"

I prefer to stay humble.

Driving to work was so treacherous! As much as I love Texas, when driving in this area of Texas, people drive too fast, they tail-gate far too much. The fighter in me slows down even more than I need to, on icy roads, then, watches in the mirror to see how much I'm pissing them off! So,there, take that! 

Tomorrow, I have to be in at 2 pm. This means, I get up at 5 am, then can take my time at the gym, possibly stretching my workout into 3 hours, maybe more. Can take a full 70 minutes on the elliptical, 1 hour Yoga, 1 hour Pilate's, maybe some weights! YESSSSSSS!

My abs are really responding to the hard work, it makes me so happy to see this. It feels surreal, causes me to say, "Is this really happening?" 

Yes, indeed, yes, it is.

Health, great nutrition, strong, toned, it's my focus in life!

Happy & free spirited /

Strong & fit/

Career on track/

Loving life/

Be happy, be safe, dear readers.

Aloha!

That was then

That Was Then, This is Now!

Another day off

Good morning, good day, good evening, wherever you are. Thank you for tuning in today.

I gave a bit of background so you can see what life experiences have shaped my personality. Often, have heard other people say they are grateful for the painful experiences, how it made them who they are. Well.....ya won't find that with me! I could have done without the pain filled experiences just fine. Would have been just who I am without them. 

Yet....who knows? Guess i could say "I believe" the painful experiences are something I could have done without.

Why?

I'm just too sensitive. Experiences that hurt other people are devastating to me. They cut me down to my core, sometimes putting me into a bout of depression which I have to make major effort to climb out of, to recover from it.

Every day, I watch for little things to be happy about, to be grateful for, to keep myself in a positive mindset.

The reality is that I am single, I am alone in the world. I'm all I have. Like a plane flying on one engine. If that engine gives out, the plane will crash, there is nothing else to keep it up in the air. My brothers and sister don't care about me, they have made this abundantly clear. Out of my 4 kiddos, only one cares about me. 

Actions speak louder than words. yeah, I know. It's an old idea, yet, it's still so true. It's how I live, how I love, how I perceive if someone gives a dam about me, or not.

For this reason, when I care about someone, they will have no room for doubt. Expressing love, expressing care is how I am toward those I love. 

When a person withdraws, however, I withdraw as well. Better to put the grease on the squawking wheel. If someone gives me "leave me alone" vibes, I generally leave them alone. If and when they contact me again, call, come over, whatever, I welcome that.

From life lessons, I have learned to wait for others to initiate. Rejection, no matter how mild, is also, devastating to me. It's why I have withdrawn from dating at all. Too painful.

The last time I dated was 2012. Needless to say, it was wonderful until it ended. The aftermath left me crying in my bed, night after night, for weeks. From grinding my front teeth together in my sleep, in emotional agony, I had to have $2,000. in dental work done to correct the damage. So, yeah, lol, that would be enough to kill my desire to mingle.

Having put the pain of that behind me, I have moved 2 times since then. Yet, the fear of having to go through that pain again, keeps me single. 

Fitness is my lover, I'm a lover of fitness. I will confess that in 2004, my BMI was 55! If you know what BMI is, 55 is a morbidly obese number. Let me just say, I did not have surgery, nor did I take pills. It has all been time consuming, painful, sweat, swearing self motivating work !!!!!!!

In July 2014, my BMI was measured at 22. Big change, hmm? Ya better believe it! Lately, I have been tweaking my eating habits to further my level of lean muscled fitness. Have to make changes if you wish to see changes. 

Am willing to work, wanting the change.

Until next time.

Have a

wonderful

spectacular

day!!!!

Who am I? II

Who am I?

C'est moi. Part deux.

That post went long. Smiling. So much for hopefully! My work schedule is sporadic. It changes all the time. Finding myself with a day off, took extra time for my workout, have to do some cleaning & organizing. Will get to that later.

For a time, my ex, myself and our children lived in Nebraska. UGH! That sums up how I felt about living in Nebraska. From there we lived overseas with the USAF for 7.5 years. We had the opportunity to move to Vandenberg AFB, Santa Barbara, CA from Howard AFB,  the Panama Canal Zone. I was excited about this. Many of the friends I had made were going to Vandenberg AFB as well. It would be nice to go somewhere already knowing some other families instead of going to a place I had never been not knowing anyone.
It didn't happen. My ex opted for orders to Shriever AFB, Falcon, Colorado.
UGH! Not THAT AGAIN!
He would not listen to me when I pleaded with him NOT to force us to move there. He promised me a horse and that we would buy a horse property if I would just shut up, keep putting out, go with it.
He knew how badly I had always wanted a horse. Needless to say, he vetoed every horse property we looked at then slowly withdrew my dream of having a horse. It was the beginning of the end for me. 
Being forced to live in a place I didn't want to live, Then the bait & switch, it made me an unhappy person. 
I began to eat to quash my misery to try to stay in the marriage. Yes, I became quite porky, yet, I was staying in my marriage. I believed with all my heart & soul in marriage, babies, making it work. After awhile, I was the only one trying.
He became so verbally abusive, he could reduce me to sobs with his hateful words. Telling me I was "all used up" after having his 4 babies.
I started working out at the local gym which he did not like. He told me that he suspected me of cheating on him since I was trying to improve my appearance. He brought buckets of KFC, sometimes double cheese pizzas to tempt me to indulge. The attempts at sabotage were so obvious. His verbal abuse escalated. It was clear to me that the marriage was over. We went together to the courthouse to file divorce paperwork. I paid the $285. He said that he would not pay for it, thinking that I didn't have any money of my own.
Now, it was just a matter of time. He refused to move out of the home we had bought, saying he would live in the basement. I moved out into a town home. Having him watching my every move was unhealthy.
The divorce was final, January 2, 2007.
A new year, a new start for both of us into our separate lives. It was a relief.
Now, I had to find a way to move out of Colorado. I hated nearly everything about Colorado. 
As a newly single woman, the dating climate was horrific. Dating had changed completely since I had last been single. Colorado Springs has a very high concentration of military personnel. As much as I feel safe in the familiarity of a military environment, the dating climate was not safe. So many guys, both civilian as well as military acted single, lying about their marital status. Some would use the term "separated" as in she was at home with their children while he was out playing around with other women. 
After having my heart broken so badly, over and over, I decided I'd had enough. The decision to stop dating at all gave me peace, happiness, yes, a bit of longing, a lot of loneliness. It seemed to be for the best. 

The touch of a man is something I crave, the pain in the aftermath was no longer worth it.

Fitness was something I loved when I was serving in the USAF. Discovering that I still love the rush from pushing my body to the edge was a wonderful surprise!
Shut up and push it! ha ha!
Push it, I did. From huffing & gasping on a treadmill I graduated to walking the treadmill for one hour a day at 4.2 mph at a 15 incline. Then 1 hour on the elliptical at a level 15 resistance, going 6 miles in 1 hour. Then, I began doing the same thing on the elliptical with my hands clasped behind my head to pull my abs up, to work them harder toward firming them up.
I started doing Yoga, Pilate's, loved it! My body was responding. I truly was turning back into who I really am. A happy, bubbly, sweet, inquisitive, physically fit, strong woman.

In 2012, I had an opportunity to move to Texas. I took it! Becoming less materialistic with time, I sold, gave to friends, donated half of all I owned. It lightened my load when I moved. The situation I moved to in Texas in May 2012, fell apart by June 1, 2012. 
I moved into a decrepit trailer house which was all I could afford. It was filled with scorpions, tarantulas, mice plus an occasional rattlesnake.
I began substitute teaching in a nearby town, 14 miles away. The trailer land lord knew another landlord in the town where I was substitute teaching, she put a good word in for me. I moved a week later.
That house was almost as bad as the trailer I lived in. When I went to Florida for Christmas, December 16th, 2012 - January 3, 2013, the pipes had burst when I returned so the water was turned off. I also had pneumonia.
Looking around the town, there wasn't much to choose from. Finally, at the end of January I saw a house that had been completely gutted,then remodeled. I called the number on the sign. I saw the house at 4 pm on Friday. It was beautiful, the landlord seemed to be a conscientious, honest, fair guy. By 5 pm, I had the key, he had my money, on Sunday I moved.
It was only 2 streets over, yet, what a difference! The local singles group from the Baptist church offered to help me move. I could have done it by myself, I was ready to do it. They did it in one day, I am still so amazed at how much love, caring, kindness, this group displays.
Many people talk, talk talk, without putting action behind their words. These people definitely not only talk the talk, they walk the walk. I'm not of any certain religion, yet, I meet with this singles group every Sunday that I can.
Sub teaching was wonderfully rewarding. It didn't pay enough. I tried out a few different jobs which didn't work out. In the interim I worked from home, very boring as well as isolating. I'm a social person. Social interaction is something I love.

On September 30, 2014 I began training as an Optician at a local vision center. It was something brand new, had never done this before, nor considered it. As training went on, I had to go into the vision center, itself to begin OJT (On Job Training).
It was scary, challenging, humbling, yet, as the information I was using in my every day job, began to make sense, I began to love it!
Fitness remains my first love. Nothing is allowed to interfere with my constant climb in becoming more lean, stronger, just as fit as I was at 18.
Turning back into who I really am, who I was born to be ~ 

ONLY BETTER!

Who am I?

Who is she?

C'est moi!

So....I told you why I started this blog. I warned you that I write poetry, right? Sometimes my blog entry will be a poem. Today, a brief (hopefully) bio about who this simple girl is.

Have been single by choice since 2007. It's not that I don't want a man in my life, I want the right man. Not perfect, yet, perfectly imperfect who accepts me, with all of my quirks just as I would love, would accept him, with...well....'nuff said! *smile*

From the past:

Daddy was a West Virginia coal miner. My older brother and I were both born in West Virginia. Daddy moved the family up to Michigan when I was a baby. After deciding coal mining was no longer for him, he took a different direction in his employment. I lived in Michigan until I graduated from High School. Having lived in a small town where everyone knew everyone, I wanted to see what the rest of the world could offer me.
Was I scared? OH YEAHH! I was mega-scared!
Skinny, small town girl, so, naive, a bit too trusting, perfect candidate for the military, of course! That was a semi-joke. USAF Basic training was an eye opening experience for me, just as it is for many people. Grandma, Mom, my best friend, Cheryl, sent letters of encouragement to me during USAF Basic Military Training. Those letters meant a lot to me, I still have them in my scrapbook.
As a child, I had played with Barbie dolls, making clothes for them with scraps from moms sewing pile. I had also gone into the back field behind the house we lived in to gather tall grass "straws" to make grass skirts for my dolls. I used scraps of fabric to make a top cover kinda like a bikini top to go with the grass skirt. Family members would often tease me about this. They would say, "Look at Brendas' Hawaiian dolls. It's Hawaii in Michigan!" To this I would often retort, "When I grow up, I'm going to leave y'all behind when I move to Hawaii!!!"
Upon graduating from AF BCT & Tech School, my first assignment was Hickam AFB, Hawaii! OH! I would have loved to have seen the reactions of those who had teased me for so many years, when they heard that I did, in fact, move to Hawaii!
Entering the military world from a small town where everyone greeted everyone with a hug or akiss or both, people completely misunderstood me. They interpreted my friendly nature as flirty, promiscuous or worse. Living & working as a USAF Cop in a mans' world, full of testosterone charged horny guys was extremely difficult. So difficult that,due to the extreme sexual harrassment, my commander authorized me, almost ordered me to move out of the dorms, with extra payment to do so.
The time I spent in Hawaii was a character development time for me. I went from a scared teenager to a 21 year old woman.
The ratio of 1 girl to 14 guys, on Hickam AFB was a bit overwhelming at times. Made me, sometimes, feel, like a rare species of a hunted animal. Not as pleasant as one might think.
Dating was something brand new for me. Had only had 1 serious boyfriend before leaving to go into the USAF. Steve and I were only 16 & 17, just kids, really. He went into the USAF, too, I saw him a couple times during Basic Training. It shocked me so much, I forgot where I was, my outburst got him in trouble. I felt so bad about that.

The strong attraction I felt for a certain PJ or Pararescue guy who I barely knew was a very consuming feeling for me. He didn't even know I existed. I thought about him, dreamed about him, would tremble uncontrollably whenever he was closeby. It was scary, deliciously scary, that attraction to him haunted me for 25 years. When he left the USAF, left Hawaii, I cried for a week. I dated other guys, never dated Joel, he was one of a kind for sure.

I dated many other guys, mostly military guys during my time in Hawaii, Joel still stands out in my memory though he and I never dated. When I say, "dated", what I mean is, I spent time with them. All romance, no sex. 

In September 1981, I was re-assigned to Edwards AFB, Edwards, California, where Chuck Yeager first broke the sound barrier. Went through some major culture shock, going from tropical paradise to dry, dusty, desert.

While I was at Edwards AFB, I met, then 8 months later, married a man I was married to for a long time. We had many good years, together. We traveled the USA, Europe, Central America together. We had 4 children together.
Taking responsibility for myself is part of my character. My contribution to the divorce was that I was wayyy too nice to him. Way too forgiving. All I wanted was to be a good wife, lover, mother. Keep the bed hot, the children happy, the house clean and everything would workout, right?
Nope.
He became so verbally abusive, his harsh criticism killed the strong love I had felt for him, plus, was fighting to keep alive.
I moved out, then I even paid for and filed for divorce from him. I would have chewed off my own arm to get away from him. The divorce was final January 2, 2007.

During the unhappy times of my marriage, I had managed to put on a lot of weight. Now, it was time to begin turning back into who I really am. My ex was very controlling, always manipulating me into who he thought I should be, according to his ideas. It had caused me to forget who I was. This would be a time of joyful re-discovery! A time of remembering who I used to be, who I really am. A time to explore who I have the potential to become through change, growth and a hell of a lot of pain. It would take work, growth, time, then, eventually a new person.

Stay tuned.

Simple?

Simple? Well, yes! Mostly

Read on if you're the curious sort.

First, there were diaries, journals that I wrote in hourly when in my teens. That is, when I was a teenager with up then down emotions, insecurities, fears, restrictions. Mainly, the writing was a pressure release valve so I could vent without doing harm to anyone or me. I also wrote poetry, duh, I was a teenage girl! I wrote poetry that was published in my hometown newspaper. Poetry about the guys I liked or who liked me. I wrote poetry about my angst, my grandfather, my dog, about riding a horse, really, anything that moved me.

I put them all in notebooks which date back to when I was 9 years old.

Enlisting in the United States Air Force right after high school, many things changed, writing poetry continued. Military duties didn't allow much time for writing in a journal what with work, going out dancing every night, going to the beach every day. I'm smiling.

Poetry writing is a release of a sort. Yep, good ol' pressure release valve. I still have every poem I ever wrote in my collection of 4 notebooks.

Then, MySpace came along, so did several other social media sites. Then, Facebook. They were okay. The internet is filled with Facebook profile pages of people and millions of their "friends". It all seemed so fake to me. Even worse was how mean people could be to each other whether they knew each other or not. Usually, they didn't know the person they were so unkind to. Easy to be 10 feet tall online. I was the victim of some of the unkind posting, it became very stale. I deleted my first FB page to start another. I vowed to only add people as "friends"who truly were my friends in real life or irl. It was tough. People from all over the world wanted me to add them. Quite often, the profiles were of fakes, scammers, looking for a lonely woman to possibly extort attention, eventually maybe even money if she were taking the bait well. Yupp. LOL. Catfish.

Having been publicly embarrassed a couple times on Facebook, with no help to get the embarrassing post deleted by Facebook Admin, I deactivated that page, too. So, blogging it is!
Here I am, my first blog post. We'll see how it goes. So, welcome, thank you for visiting.