Who is she?
C'est moi!
Have been single by choice since 2007. It's not that I don't want a man in my life, I want the right man. Not perfect, yet, perfectly imperfect who accepts me, with all of my quirks just as I would love, would accept him, with...well....'nuff said! *smile*
From the past:
Daddy was a West Virginia coal miner. My older brother and I were both born in West Virginia. Daddy moved the family up to Michigan when I was a baby. After deciding coal mining was no longer for him, he took a different direction in his employment. I lived in Michigan until I graduated from High School. Having lived in a small town where everyone knew everyone, I wanted to see what the rest of the world could offer me.
Was I scared? OH YEAHH! I was mega-scared!
Skinny, small town girl, so, naive, a bit too trusting, perfect candidate for the military, of course! That was a semi-joke. USAF Basic training was an eye opening experience for me, just as it is for many people. Grandma, Mom, my best friend, Cheryl, sent letters of encouragement to me during USAF Basic Military Training. Those letters meant a lot to me, I still have them in my scrapbook.
As a child, I had played with Barbie dolls, making clothes for them with scraps from moms sewing pile. I had also gone into the back field behind the house we lived in to gather tall grass "straws" to make grass skirts for my dolls. I used scraps of fabric to make a top cover kinda like a bikini top to go with the grass skirt. Family members would often tease me about this. They would say, "Look at Brendas' Hawaiian dolls. It's Hawaii in Michigan!" To this I would often retort, "When I grow up, I'm going to leave y'all behind when I move to Hawaii!!!"
Upon graduating from AF BCT & Tech School, my first assignment was Hickam AFB, Hawaii! OH! I would have loved to have seen the reactions of those who had teased me for so many years, when they heard that I did, in fact, move to Hawaii!
Entering the military world from a small town where everyone greeted everyone with a hug or akiss or both, people completely misunderstood me. They interpreted my friendly nature as flirty, promiscuous or worse. Living & working as a USAF Cop in a mans' world, full of testosterone charged horny guys was extremely difficult. So difficult that,due to the extreme sexual harrassment, my commander authorized me, almost ordered me to move out of the dorms, with extra payment to do so.
The time I spent in Hawaii was a character development time for me. I went from a scared teenager to a 21 year old woman.
The ratio of 1 girl to 14 guys, on Hickam AFB was a bit overwhelming at times. Made me, sometimes, feel, like a rare species of a hunted animal. Not as pleasant as one might think.
Dating was something brand new for me. Had only had 1 serious boyfriend before leaving to go into the USAF. Steve and I were only 16 & 17, just kids, really. He went into the USAF, too, I saw him a couple times during Basic Training. It shocked me so much, I forgot where I was, my outburst got him in trouble. I felt so bad about that.
The strong attraction I felt for a certain PJ or Pararescue guy who I barely knew was a very consuming feeling for me. He didn't even know I existed. I thought about him, dreamed about him, would tremble uncontrollably whenever he was closeby. It was scary, deliciously scary, that attraction to him haunted me for 25 years. When he left the USAF, left Hawaii, I cried for a week. I dated other guys, never dated Joel, he was one of a kind for sure.
I dated many other guys, mostly military guys during my time in Hawaii, Joel still stands out in my memory though he and I never dated. When I say, "dated", what I mean is, I spent time with them. All romance, no sex.
In September 1981, I was re-assigned to Edwards AFB, Edwards, California, where Chuck Yeager first broke the sound barrier. Went through some major culture shock, going from tropical paradise to dry, dusty, desert.
While I was at Edwards AFB, I met, then 8 months later, married a man I was married to for a long time. We had many good years, together. We traveled the USA, Europe, Central America together. We had 4 children together.
Taking responsibility for myself is part of my character. My contribution to the divorce was that I was wayyy too nice to him. Way too forgiving. All I wanted was to be a good wife, lover, mother. Keep the bed hot, the children happy, the house clean and everything would workout, right?
Nope.
He became so verbally abusive, his harsh criticism killed the strong love I had felt for him, plus, was fighting to keep alive.
I moved out, then I even paid for and filed for divorce from him. I would have chewed off my own arm to get away from him. The divorce was final January 2, 2007.
During the unhappy times of my marriage, I had managed to put on a lot of weight. Now, it was time to begin turning back into who I really am. My ex was very controlling, always manipulating me into who he thought I should be, according to his ideas. It had caused me to forget who I was. This would be a time of joyful re-discovery! A time of remembering who I used to be, who I really am. A time to explore who I have the potential to become through change, growth and a hell of a lot of pain. It would take work, growth, time, then, eventually a new person.
Stay tuned.
No comments:
Post a Comment