The Touch

Sometimes I look at my life & how it's been touched so much by death. Then, I remember that my life has also been filled with living. 
Instead of just making it, it has been spent truly LIVING!

At the age of 16, I was already chomping at the bit to get out into the world.  I was scared, have to admit. Adulting is scary!
The drive to get out there was stronger than fear.

The only man who I ever felt truly loved by, had passed on. There was nothing and no one in Clarkston, Michigan that I wanted to stay there for.
My beloved Grandfather, Sherman Leroy Kendall, had loved me unconditionally. Just for me, being me. He also taught me so much.
So much more than I realized at the time of his passing.

It was the first time someone I was really close to had died. Like it was yesterday, the emotions, the sadness, everything connected to him, the feeling is still fresh, engraved on my soul.
Something that I always remember. 

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Time marches forward doing what time does
Forging character in our life that is the dance
GPS is useless to we mortals of present day
Would we go back in time if given the chance

Going back to those wondrous moments 
With an open mind with a more open heart
To the miracle of a chance for a relive
To mend that which had been torn apart

To love more fully those who are lost
To hug a little longer when saying goodbye
To listen more closely being ever more kind
To hold the one you cherished to let them cry

Go forward go forward with sincere intent
Desiring to do better trying to never forget
To live fully love deeply with such passion
That you will live a life with little regret

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When she was a newborn baby, I remember looking into my younger sister's crib. So sweet, so beautiful. I felt love for her, as much love as an 8 year old can. Also, I felt somehow responsible for her. A desire to take care of her welled up in my chest.
When my father whipped off his leather belt to beat her at the tender age of 2 years for something my sister did, I screamed at him, "NO!"
A debate between my mother & father as to whether my 2 year old sister was "old enough" to take a beating with a leather belt.
There should have been NO DEBATE! 
No child should be beaten in such a savage way.
I stepped in front and told him to beat me, instead.
He gladly obliged and I went to bed sobbing, with welts from my fathers belt covering my back, my legs, my neck.

That was to continue, my fathers beatings, saving my sister whenever I could.

I don't know what sort of damage was done to her after I left my parents home for BMTS. Years later, when they were going to throw her out of the house at age 15, she came to live with me. I was married, had a 5 month old baby. The damage to my sister had been done by severely abusive parents.

FFWD: She had graduated from high school, had served as a missionary, had met the love of her life & married him.
They only lived as husband & wife for close to 2 years when my sister died. She was only 32. Too young to die.
I did the last kindness I could for her. Gave her a beautiful funeral.

My younger brother also passed on in 2017, younger than me, way too young to die. I can't rationalize it with saying it was his time!

My mother & father, maternal grandparents, paternal grandparents, 2 fiancés, 2 very loved aunts, 4 much loved uncles, 3 beloved cousins, all have passed on.
Many were far younger than me. I wondered ~
"Why am I still living?"

When Nakoda Sims passed on, it awakened inside me, the loss I felt at losing people I loved.

When I love, I love fiercely, unconditionally. As fierce as the love I feel, is, the deep searing pain, is just as ferocious, when a loved one is lost.

If there is someone you truly love, make sure they know.

That's all.

Like a ton of bricks....

It might seem a bit melodramatic, it might not. idk. idgaf.

Right now, the tears are flowing freely. I feel all kinds of sad, numb, shocked, in disbelief. I thought today was going to be a birthday party.
It was a balloon release for a birthday for someone that I knew as an acquaintance. He had passed on & I didn't know.

He passed on around July 1 -2.

Given the facts that I was in the birthday funk in July, going through a lot with a counselor, then, prepping for a drive to Colorado (August 2 - September 11)

I could excuse myself, yet, I just won't!

Nakoda "Koda" Sims worked at the bank in Walmart, my Texas bank. The people who work there have always (except for 1 person) been very courteous, personable, more than just bank employees.
They have lives, children, friends, family ~ all outside of work. They are so much more than outstanding bank employees.

Personally?

I see them as so much more than the people who work at the bank.

I love to serve, to do nice things for others. When one of the cool girls at the bank said she had a bad craving for the tri-flavor popcorn that comes in a big metal container, I searched, found, bought & brought it to her. Love to do those things that bring a bit of happiness to others.
Some people take it the wrong way. 

Guys think I'm coming onto them, that I want sex with them, now.

Girls wonder when I'm going to give an Avon or Mary Kay pitch.

The truth is? I'm just a nice person. I like to help others. Simple.

Mostly, it's simple. I enjoy meeting new people, exchanging witty banter, hearing them tell me about themselves. 
That's it. 
Right there.

Many people might have visible agendas or hidden agendas. Sad.
It puts many people on their guard, wondering if I want sex from them, or money, or narcissistic supply, or something else.

99.9% of the time, I may find the person to be a good person, male or female & simply want to be their friend. 

WHAT A DARK, SEEDY, DISGUSTING, DEVIANT CONCEPT.

I'm upfront, I say what I mean and I mean what I say. If I'm interested in more than friends (aka sexual interaction) the other person will have it crystal. There will be zero room for doubt.
It's a foreign concept in today's world.

Limitations are non-existent. Age, race, gender, religion. Irrelevant.

Grasp that, grab it, turn it over and over in your brain until it makes sense. Until you can understand that people are all just people.

When I would go to the bank (in Walmart) to do my *shock* banking stuff. Koda was often there. A very nice, professional, courteous guy with a smile and a great sense of humor. Sometimes when I was doing some shopping in that happy place called Walmart, he would be on a break, not realizing how quiet he is. He often sneaked up on me, he was so quiet! 
He often startled me! Sometimes, I even screamed. He'd apologize over and over, it was actually funny!
So, we had a few brief chuckles. (He had to go back to work)

We had a few conversations when there were no customers waiting in line behind me. Such a smart guy. 

Koda totally got it. He knew I wasn't a cradle robber looking for a crypt robber. I was simply being myself, a nice person who enjoys being kind. No agenda, no ulterior motives. I was just being nice to him because I believe in being a decent human being. 
Believing in treating others with kindness is my basic character.

Today 22 purple balloons were released, he would have been 22. Balloons in his fave color, purple.
A life that had barely begun. Way too young to die.

I feel so sad, like a light in the world has gone out.

He will be missed by so many people.

Got religion?

I am my own religion my own church my own best friend
I am all that I truly have to depend upon in the end
Lovers will cruise in and out friends are their own person
Being self sufficient is a free spirit attitude which I gladly don
A good person is who I strive to be it's all we in reality are
Sitting in a garage will truly never make a person into a car
Sitting in a church won't give goodness it is only built
Do right do good in life harming none do as thou wilt

Be thelemic af

She said........

She is so intelligent, so witty, she is definitely my daughter.

Her sense of humor is similar to my own, yet, different. 
It's her own brand of humor!
This girl, this girl! LOL!

Her: So, mama, what's going on with (______ 3 siblings names).
Me: Not sure, really, I don't hear from them much.
Her: Wow! That's kinda nice.
Me: Yes?
Her: Yeah, I always wanted to be an only child!

OMGoodness!

Her: Mama, you work out a lot. What is your goal?
Me: I would like to get back to my original size.
Her: Wow, I think 7 lbs is a bit unreasonable.

Ha ha!

Her hubby is only a couple years younger than her, she jokingly refers to him as the baby of their family. This is so funny because we both know he's a 6'+ grown man!
Sometimes when he asks something of her, she will reply with:
"What baby wants, baby gets."

Also ~

When she is very tired from her workday as a Northrup Gruman  Engineer & he wants her to stay awake a bit longer, her reply?
"When you're my age, you'll understand."

She sent one of the most memorable gifts to me at a time when I truly needed & appreciated it! It was a gift box slash mini piñata. She had hand written over 50 reasons why she loves me on strips of paper to fill the small piñata. WOW!

Recently, I drove to Colorado to help a friend. She and her wonderful hubbs drove to CO from UT for a visit.
I have one more of her witticisms to add.

So, yeah, I love her so much. Over a home cooked meal, we were talking. I told her that if she or her hubbs needed ANYTHING, I would give it to them. 

Me: If one of you needed anything, even a kidney, liver, bone marrow, I would give it gladly.
Her: Well, Mama, although it's Autumn, we're not ready to harvest you, yet.

OMGoodness!

She is so freakin' funny!

There is more in her intelligent mind, where that sprung forth from.

She's 5' nothing, small boned, a stick of TNT, a very slight mischievous streak,  a powerhouse in an adorable little package with a heart of gold. 

Yup.

That's my girl!

I treasure our Sunday conversations. She and I talk on phone or facetime nearly every Sunday. She has a busy life, she still makes the time, puts effort behind the words ~ 
I love you. 
I just love that!

Becoming More Deaf With Time

The cookies are in the cupboard
The chips & candy are in there too
They call out to me constantly
I reply, "I will no longer hear you."

Ice cream is in the freezer calling out my name
Key Lime pie with it's friend coconut cream
Calls to me though my constant replies are
If you think I want you you're living a dream

The salty sugary creamy that used to taste so good
Has lost their strong appeal to my taste buds now
Since I have chosen to live a more healthy life
To eat less like most people and more like a cow

Spinach and broccoli are what my body craves
The pleasure is no longer worth it to have for a minute
Your health is your wealth what you cook is how you look
Your body will perform according to what you put in it

So, chips, quiet down, chocolate, go to sleep
Health robbing sugar & salt I will no longer keep

With this said I will choose better body fuel
Only healthy foods will cross my thresh hold
I will be deaf to the calls of excess sugar and salt
I'm on the health bandwagon, I'M SOLD!

**************************************************

Every time you eat or drink anything you are either feeding future disease or fighting it. Be a fighter, being a loser is unacceptable.

Peace, y'all!

Where?

Where are the ones who vowed to love?
Their women future children
In front of family and God above?
Where are they?

Where are the good men who set aside
Their promises their vows
To sneak to hide!
They have moved on

Moved on to second wives or third one
Discarding vows 
For the sake of their own selfish fun
Me Me Me Me

The children that were once safe and secure
In the bliss of their family
In love strong and pure
It dissolved 

Where are all of the good men with their good force
The ones who stayed true
Stayed the marriage course
Their numbers are low

These mythical creatures exist though quite rare
Marry while young
For a lifetime of care
True to their wives & children

Having known many good men I know they exist
Striving each day
These heroes persist
Good men walk among us, yes, they do

Live & Learn

In a life well lived in my short time on this earth
Experience has taught me so much for what it's worth

To think outside the status quo
To be kind if I can be anything
To listen more than I speak
(A tough one for me! I'm striving to change)
To change with the times
(Within reason)
To be ready, willing, open to new possibilities
To treat others with courtesy while accepting only the same
To stop & enjoy the scent of flowers
To volunteer my time
(There is so much need in the world)
To do one thing each day that scares me
(As long as it's legal & moral, refraining from harming myself or anyone else)
To focus on the positive as much as possible
(Still striving while improving)
To keep learning
To recognize what is love or a cry out for love
To love myself first
(Put your own life vest on before helping others)
Seize an opportunity to be kind
(There is an over supply of the other)
Find the silver lining in everything
(It's there when you look for it)
I can learn something from everyone
(Age 0 - 500  😁 )
Age is very different than it used to be
(Those who try to put me in a box will find themselves frustrated. People should only be put into a box after they are dearly departed)
Conscious eating is good
(Every time you put anything in your mouth aka the gateway to your body, you are either feeding future disease or fighting it.)
Sleep is grossly under rated
Excess sugar & salt is the road to ill health
Water IS the fountain of youth, I drink a lot of it!
The best medicine is fresh veggies, 1 hour of exercise daily, a clear conscience, positive thinking, a kind heart
Money is only one road to happiness with it's own set of roadblocks, stop signs, pot holes & other stupid drivers
(Yes, this is my own original quote)
Show mercy + compassion, we are all on different sides at times
Trust those who are trustworthy
(Even Walmart makes new FULL TIME employees wait 89 days for health benefits. Treat yourself at least as good as Walmart treats themselves)
Seek to understand more than being understood

Okay.....Okay......the list is a relatively short one, though long enough.
Are you still with me?

Herrow?
Herrow?

There, you are.

Peace to you.