The Touch

Sometimes I look at my life & how it's been touched so much by death. Then, I remember that my life has also been filled with living. 
Instead of just making it, it has been spent truly LIVING!

At the age of 16, I was already chomping at the bit to get out into the world.  I was scared, have to admit. Adulting is scary!
The drive to get out there was stronger than fear.

The only man who I ever felt truly loved by, had passed on. There was nothing and no one in Clarkston, Michigan that I wanted to stay there for.
My beloved Grandfather, Sherman Leroy Kendall, had loved me unconditionally. Just for me, being me. He also taught me so much.
So much more than I realized at the time of his passing.

It was the first time someone I was really close to had died. Like it was yesterday, the emotions, the sadness, everything connected to him, the feeling is still fresh, engraved on my soul.
Something that I always remember. 

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Time marches forward doing what time does
Forging character in our life that is the dance
GPS is useless to we mortals of present day
Would we go back in time if given the chance

Going back to those wondrous moments 
With an open mind with a more open heart
To the miracle of a chance for a relive
To mend that which had been torn apart

To love more fully those who are lost
To hug a little longer when saying goodbye
To listen more closely being ever more kind
To hold the one you cherished to let them cry

Go forward go forward with sincere intent
Desiring to do better trying to never forget
To live fully love deeply with such passion
That you will live a life with little regret

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When she was a newborn baby, I remember looking into my younger sister's crib. So sweet, so beautiful. I felt love for her, as much love as an 8 year old can. Also, I felt somehow responsible for her. A desire to take care of her welled up in my chest.
When my father whipped off his leather belt to beat her at the tender age of 2 years for something my sister did, I screamed at him, "NO!"
A debate between my mother & father as to whether my 2 year old sister was "old enough" to take a beating with a leather belt.
There should have been NO DEBATE! 
No child should be beaten in such a savage way.
I stepped in front and told him to beat me, instead.
He gladly obliged and I went to bed sobbing, with welts from my fathers belt covering my back, my legs, my neck.

That was to continue, my fathers beatings, saving my sister whenever I could.

I don't know what sort of damage was done to her after I left my parents home for BMTS. Years later, when they were going to throw her out of the house at age 15, she came to live with me. I was married, had a 5 month old baby. The damage to my sister had been done by severely abusive parents.

FFWD: She had graduated from high school, had served as a missionary, had met the love of her life & married him.
They only lived as husband & wife for close to 2 years when my sister died. She was only 32. Too young to die.
I did the last kindness I could for her. Gave her a beautiful funeral.

My younger brother also passed on in 2017, younger than me, way too young to die. I can't rationalize it with saying it was his time!

My mother & father, maternal grandparents, paternal grandparents, 2 fiancés, 2 very loved aunts, 4 much loved uncles, 3 beloved cousins, all have passed on.
Many were far younger than me. I wondered ~
"Why am I still living?"

When Nakoda Sims passed on, it awakened inside me, the loss I felt at losing people I loved.

When I love, I love fiercely, unconditionally. As fierce as the love I feel, is, the deep searing pain, is just as ferocious, when a loved one is lost.

If there is someone you truly love, make sure they know.

That's all.