Tonight

Tonight is a feeling knight as the year draws to a close
Hope swells in my chest like a blooming rose
Now we have had the beautiful luminosity of a full moon
As I bathed in the milky light I knew it was coming soon
Great things are on their way into what I know and crave
All there is to do is to take the leap in being brave
Holiness is the feeling of all is right with my world
Such lightness of being in the wind with robes unfurled
What was will be left behind with the wisdom of lessons taught
Moving forward with healing from the past battles I've fought
Moving forward while rolling with changes while loving the new
Moving forward in love with peace that this is what I wish for you

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

Happy 2019 to you, reading this!!!!!!!

Keep your heart open to love while loving yourself, first.

If it's been awhile since you have heard this, you are one of infinite worth. 
You're worthy of love, of success, of all that you dream of while being willing to work for it!

Listen to music that uplifts you, smile as much as possible, start your day by making your bed, watch how it changes your mindset!!!!

Peace & love, y'all!

Raising Awareness

There is a form of discrimination that is spoken in ignorance, although it's illegal, it also prevents some people from being employed.
This attitude is so archaic, yet still survives.

In todays world if you make disparaging remarks about:
Gender
Race
Religion
A Person's Weight (Underweight or Overweight)
Body Type
Skin Color
Disabilities
Skin Color
Ethnic Face & Body Features
Sexual Orientation

You will have hellfire rain down on you.

These are not tolerated, yet, this last form of discrimination persists socially, professionally, it's still very prevalent.

You might have even caught yourself engaging in this, thinking it was okay to do so, thinking it was funny.
In reality, it bespeaks narrow mindedness, ignorance.

Click on the link below to find the answer to this modern day practice.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bQwJNYYlkQA

What do you think?

Have you caught yourself doing this?

#raiseawareness 

The Second Hand Smoke in Present Day ~ Narcissism

Oh Dr. Ramani!

This doc is so good, she has people scheduled months out just for an eval!
WOW!
This speaks volumes!

Conversation:

Are you cocky?

No, I'm confident.

Are you a Narcissist?

No, I have NPD, I'm fine!

What brings you in, today?

Well, I work well alone, break the rules a lot, drive to home, airports, the store when I'm drunk. I cheat on my wife/husband all the time. People say it's wrong, it's working for me!

Again, what brings you in?

My wife/husband will leave me if I didn't and...court ordered.

Interesting

If you have to skip Scrubs, Greys Anatomy, Supernatural, NCIS, DWTS or the Kardashians, watch this!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qj5YNatNYGk

You're welcome.

Peace.

Cuckoo Cuckoo

The world has an endless supply of doctors, counselors, psychologists, psychiatrists, free mental health advice dispensers. 
A small number of these people dispense free advice as well as diagnosis whether solicited or most often, unsolicited.

In such case, it's free of charge, you're getting the quality commensurate with the amount $$$ you are paying.

Most of the "dispensers of free diagnosis" are untrained, unschooled, have no idea in Hades what they are talking about.
They're so crazy - I say this in mocking jest.
😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁

If you like to people watch, as I do, you will likely be a people listener. Some people talk more than others, some people talk less than others. In today's world, it's a stalkers paradise. People are constantly on their phones, speaking with others, spilling the intimate details of their lives.

If you listen, you will hear it:

Enough credit card information to take a nice shopping trip.
Juicy details of a sordid experience of 1 person, a few, many.
Mouth watering details about what's for dinner!
The dirty details of a domestic dispute.
Where the party is going to be as well as when!
When the baby was born as well as length, weight, sex, the name.

For a long time, I clung to my landline for just this very reason. I didn't want to join the mass abundance of unwitting perfect stalker victims!

The stalkers out there are crazy, lol, psychos! 😎

With this preface, here are 2 delightful references just for you.  💜

Cra-zy: adjective.
1. Mentally deranged. Esp as displayed in a wild or aggressive way.
2. Extremely enthusiastic.
3. Having an attitude of unhealthy exaggerated interest.

Psy-cho: slang. adjective
1. Mentally unstable.
2. Afflicted with a psychosis.
3. Slang term loosely used to deflect ones unkind actions toward others or just one person.

***************************************************************************

These 2 phrases are thrown around like confetti in a parade. 

In Germany, referring to another person or people as crazy, is grounds for the accuser to be arrested or fined or both. It's taken seriously!

When I hear someone referring to another person as "psycho" or "crazy", it lets me know that there are 2 sides to every armchair diagnosis. It reflects more on the character of the one pronouncing sentence than it ever reflects upon the one being loosely diagnosed.

The thought processes that go through my mind are:
"Hmm. This person who name calls another person, with the other person, who is unaware or unavailable to refute this, the name caller seems to be one who acts irresponsibly then, won't acknowledge their wrongful actions toward another person." 
(That was long! I'm a deep thinker, often analytical.)

What it distills down to is one who commits unkind acts on another person, then tries to deflect their own accountability by saying the other person is psycho or crazy.

Most often, with history to back it up, the ones who do this are males. 
Up until a bit more than a century ago, female people were property to be treated in any manner their male "owner" wished. This often included having them confined in a mental asylum or a convent for life. Easily disposed of when she became an encumbrance to him. 
Peeps!
I love men! I love everything about them, however, it's most often a guy who speaks of a "crazy ex" or "crazy girlfriend".
In place of seeking to understand, the guy who was acting mean, rude, stupid, deceptively, selfishly, he will blame the girl.

If he was cheating on her, lying to her, causing her emotional distress because she loves him so much that his actions are pushing her to the brink of emotional breakdown, oh, well, she was a psycho, she was crazy!

In a slight recovery attempt, sometimes the other person, having the meltdown (guy or girl) really is just a person who is healthy as well as rational until they are distressed by a loved ones actions.

tbh - We all go there from time to time, when something is just so overwhelming, when we have had more distress than we can take.

Is that psycho? 
Is that crazy? 
Momentarily, maybe. If the reaction to distress were repeated multiple times on a daily basis, this would be great cause for concern. For the most part, this is less common.

This is for your consideration. To be one who considers the effect of your actions upon another person who has shown their vulnerability to you in trust. 
The person who has opened their heart to you whether in the context of friendship, romantic love or situational moment in the belief that you would do the right thing as one human being to another.

Sometimes you're the windshield, sometimes you're the bug.

When people endeavor to be a softer variation of this, the world is a better place. As we all know, there are more than 50 shades of gray, there are most likely more than 500. 
Life is most often millions of shades of every color!

There is a guy who I had a tangential connection with a long time ago in a kingdom far far away. (🙂). One aspect of him that always stuck with me is his kindness, his compassion, his deep effort to understand others. Recently, he reached out to me in friendship.
Relax! 
It's a friendship, person to person. Platonic with great distance between us. No romance, simply good conversation.
We connect.

What strikes me is the way he is so very genuine. It's a rare quality in today's world. I gravitate toward people who are so very real.

If you can be anything at all in today's world?

Please
be
kind.

HAKA!

If you have witnessed a HAKA, irl,  you know fear!

The ancient chant:

Ka mate!
Ka mate!

Wawaae, takahia kino!!!

Ka mate!
Ka mate!

Ka ora!
Ka ora!

The rest?

Google it!

When you witness it in person, it's something you may remember for a long time! Scary, in a thrills & chills kinda way.

Mothership

She's my true north my mothership my all 
For right now she's my beck as my call
She phones me every Sunday which I truly love
Truly she is a gift to me from the up and above
There have been a few times that she dragged me down low
She has also lifted me up where by myself I could not go
It used to be daily life of all that I could teach
It is now, she teaches me, what might be out of my reach

My heart is filled and bursting for her it is so full
With her there is never a moment that is dull

And I love her with all of my heart, that is truth. My darling daughter, Victoria! She's the best sweet & sassy on the planet!

My Lovely Lady Heels

5" heels???

YES, PLEASE!!!!!!

I love wearing heels!!!!

Other people make remarks about my shoes.

Sometimes it's disparaging, sometimes less so.

"your heels are hurting my back"
"If I couldn't run in them, I won't wear them
"Do you REALLY like those???"

The point is, I need less attention than most people, so, when anyone makes repeated disparaging remarks about my shoes, I stop wearing them, at least around the remarking individuals, because, the attention makes me uncomfortable.

After 3 stalkers in Colorado, then, 2 in Texas, doing anything to garner attention from John Q. Public is something to be refrained from.


BOOM!

Whatever the outcome is, wearing 5" heels...….or more is something I enjoy, sometimes 6" or 7"!!!!!
The love & caring felt for others is stronger than the self love I feel.

As a result, wearing my heels, is something I love, yet, my love for the wellbeing of others is higher than my love for wearing 5" heels.

I love people yet I like things. People = WIN!

Here's a one time, revealed secret.

To get my delight in heels fix, sometimes, I put my heels on, then. dance around the house, until the wearing my heels fix has been reached, fully!!!

The point is, wearing 5" ( or higher ) makes me feel good. Wearing heels feels very, very in tune with my true self. When other people make remarks stating their discomfort, I want them to be comfortable.
Hence, I wear flat shoes when, in their company. It's fine.
Loving people more than things is how this chik rolls. 😁

Body

Do you know your body?

Can you sense when something is a bit off or can you feel the messages your body is sending to you?

Body wisdom ~ Yupp. It's for real.

Knowing this tidbit, some people have a skewed understanding of the shell which they live, love & work in.

The most predominant signal the body will send you is disease, pain. The secondary signal is pain & becoming dependent on meds.
When sluggishness sets in, being so very tired with medium to mild exertion, the body, your body is communicating to you.

Being so in touch with my body, I can have multiple orgasms, I know when my body needs more rest, more protein, has a deficiency.

It's a very, I state, VERY natural occurrence when a person (male or female) receives communication from their body.
Whether they listen & take action or not is a choice.

Recently, I saw (get ready!) a few articles that reported their findings. The findings revealed that being one who smokes cigarettes, cigars, etcetera, does as much damage to your body as leading a sedentary life with no daily exercise.


OMG!

If I had an absence of daily workouts, this can kick me back into it!

When I step inside the gym or start with a fit deck, I think of this!

Upon starting a home or gym workout this makes it's way into my mind!

What does your body tell you?

Please listen!

You

You are a beloved person! Those who love you, truly love you want you to be alive!!!!!!!

Be alive!!!

Who is she?

She delights in the time when her silken thread
Can be plied from the visions inside of her head
Days spent in solitude and nights spent with her art
Making beautiful designs that speak from her heart
She may be a soldier a mother or just one who enjoys
Needles and scissors and fine linen as her toys
The beautiful designs whose worth can't be measured
Heirlooms to be passed down for generations to be treasured
Todays world is so busy with praise for money and youth
While devaluing the value of honest love and the truth
Yet she works her magic not caring for a finish date nor knowing
Most important is the peace in her heart from her sewing

            

Low Maintenance

Just as the name of my blog suggests, I'm a simple girl. If you're looking for a girl who posts multiple selfies to get maximum comments & attention. I won't do makeup then no makeup selfies, I won't post photos of myself partying the night away or with a plate of food. I need less attention than most girls in today's world where narcissism is accepted & even encouraged. No duck face, here. LOL! 

Being easy to please, I need less than most people. I'm easily pleased, easily amused yet, I'm not easy in THAT way. LOL!

For me, the simple things in life appeal to me. Of course, I enjoy the girly things like a manicure & pedicure, a professional waxing (use your creativity), bath bombs (google it), silky night clothes, 5" heels. Yeah! I love it!

One year, while visiting my eldest daughter, my youngest daughter took me to the beach for my birthday. It was all I wanted, all I needed, it was perfect! 
You may have picked up on this, from prior blog posts, a warm ocean beach is my version of heaven on earth! The ocean makes me feel alive, makes me feel more at home, more "in my element" than any place.
My daughter & I stopped off at a Taco Bell for a small meal on the way back. DANG! We were living high! 😻
Wrightsville Beach, North Carolina, baby!
It was a really good birthday! 
The financial cost? $20. at the most!
The total worth? Priceless!
That's what it took to make it so good, so very memorable!

For the most part, I love to cook at home. Home cooked meals are the best of all. Some restaurant foods are good. There is so much love that goes into making & serving a home cooked meal that most restaurants fall slightly short from. 
Also, home cooked meals are more healthy than restaurant food.

Give me healthy low calorie deliciousness!

Something I need, really need to be happy is my gym membership!

Gym is da man! Makes my heart beat faster & harder, gets me hot and sweaty better than almost anything. I say, almost!

Having a clean & organized home also contributes to my happiness whereas the alternative leaves me depressed, anxious, in a very precarious state of being. I kinda sorta fell off the wagon, got out of synch on that one. It was temporary, it gets better every day!

My shame filled confession is that ~
I'm human, reasonably normal!

For a long time I didn't have enough food to eat, when some prosperity came in, I went overboard. Yeah. As hard as I have worked initially to take off weight, I gained a bit back. Along with the extra weight, the frightening aches & pains started to come back. Pain in my knees, back, feet. Becoming tired easily.

OOPS!

The feeling of going back into obesity was depressing, it made it harder to move around enough to clean & organize. It began to disturb my sleep. Then, there was the way my clothes fit me.

Yup.

It was time to get back to more healthy habits for gym time, food, then work on my home.
It's a good thing to say that the weight is dropping off, again, my house looks so much better, back on track. No aches or pains, my sleep is better, my energy level is climbing higher. YES!
It feels so good! (This is an understatement!)

During this time it's taking to get back on track I'm making myself happy by finishing needlework projects. 
By doing random acts of kindness anonymously, taking occasional day trips alone or with my bff Anita, they keep me happy! 
Simple things!

Peeps, find simple things that give your heart a happy little jump!

Feel the joy!

If life sucks, embrace the suck!

Something Different

Throughout my short life, people have told me that I'm different from other people.
I think that's a good thing?

Things that I DO know is that as far back as I can remember, I was deeply curious about everything. Everything, everything. Have also, always thought, inside my mind, in rhyme.

Doesn't everyone?

It's a rhythm of thought like a rivers flowing
Softly unknown just where it is going
It sings in a language it only can hear
With love with joy with songs that are dear
The destination matters less than the ride
Carrying all that is most pure inside

I digress.

As I grew into an adult, launched myself out into the world, I realized that I really was quite different. The green, eyes that I had been ridiculed for as a child, were somewhat rare. 
That's just the start.
Whatever it is within me, I feel very deeply, I love very deeply.
The downside is that when I'm hurt, I hurt very deeply, sometimes for years at a time commensurate with the love. It's a bitch!

In time, I have learned to keep my feelings to myself unless it was safe to care. Really, REALLY safe.
As a result, I have kept myself mostly single for the last decade. It became necessary like Elise McKenna.  😏

Keeping this heart of mine from being broken hearted
Only those who are worth being battle scarred and
Only a handful are worth it

As I go into the new year ( I by-passed Christmas) of 2019, I feel a great deal of hope, a lot of curiosity for whatever is new, whatever is different in 2019!

Stay tuned...….

What's your damage? ;)

Life
Earth
2018


Since life experience for me is limited to my lifetime, when people say life used to be harder or easier, I have to believe them.
After all, it's their life experience, I can only speak of mine.

With that written, it seems that everyone has been changed or scarred or forged in the fire of life experience. Some of the damage occurs at our own hands, our own good judgment or lack thereof.

My "damage" if you will is most likely a combo of the 2.

I have done some stupid things yet, I have also done some quite remarkably intelligent things in my short life. 😁
Both lists are too long to list with one being shorter than the other!
Can you guess which one is longer or shorter?

It's redundant to recount the problems of my childhood. It's too personal to tell a readership of over 50,000 of the painful experiences while I served in the US Air Force.

All I will disclose is that I have been diagnosed by a trained professional with severe PTSD/MST.

https://maketheconnection.net/conditions/military-sexual-trauma

Personally, I believe that there is a smaller reward with smaller risk. There is also greater risk for greater reward. 
Yup. 
By all measures & descriptions, I should be more scared, I should be less inclined toward boldness, risk taking, call it as you see it!

Being more of a calculated risk taker is how I roll!
(I have been told I rock, too! 😜 )

In todays world almost no one will live a full life with no damage whether it's physical, emotional, sexual, spiritual. Ya' feel me?

Living with PTSD has been a challenge for me. When I was told that I exhibit the symptoms, it was hard for me to believe. I had stuffed it all so deep in my psyche so that I could exist in as much normalcy as possible.
When I found myself completely alone for the first time in my life, a few years ago, the PTSD bubbled up to the surface.
Peeps ~ It hit hard, yet, it was only the beginning.

When many people think of a person with PTSD, they might picture a grimy, long haired, unshaven guy still wearing a threadbare military uniform. The guy has everything he owns in a green duffel bag or a shopping cart. He might be pictured as waiting at the corner off of the freeway exit holding a cardboard sign asking for money, food or both. Often, it's true, not always.

That's the stereotype.
People with PTSD are in all areas of life & guess what?
Some military veterans with PTSD are even...gasp...female! A military person with PTSD may have been in  combat, yet, there are many situations in military life that can cause PTSD.

The stereotype of so many things is just that, a stereotype, in todays world.
Many military veterans are living, working, functioning with PTSD, completely unaware that they are affected by their time served in the military.
FYI ~ I know that people can have PTSD from other experiences unrelated to time served in the military.

When I found myself completely alone, for the first time in my life, the PTSD/MST symptoms bubbled to the surface of my psyche. There was no one who I had to be responsible to or for. This means it was a safer environment for that which I had buried deeply, to make it's way to the surface. OMG. It surfaced!
Upon moving to Texas, the Veterans Administration Officer talked with me, then told me that he could see the very subtle signs of PTSD in me.

What were the signs?

These indicators are personal, so, it may be different for others.

If you think YOU have PTSD, you should get a professional diagnosis. If you base my symptoms on your behaviors it's akin to wearing someone else's prescription spectacles aka eyeglasses.

The first symptom that the VA officer noticed was that I have trust issues. The trust issues are specific to me, yet too personal to say.

Sleep disturbances are a nightly battle for me. I thought it only stemmed from  my chronic lackanookie. Maybe. Um, maybe.

Hypervigilance is definitely a problem. Sneak up on me & you might get a swift kick to the wherever or even a tasing. It has happened a few times to those who tested the theory.

That, which I experienced while serving AD/USAF, has affected me in so many ways. There are also some VERY GOOD ways.

What are they?

Before entering the military:

Shy, no self confidence, low self esteem, not enough food.

After BMT & Tech School:

Outgoing, self confident, healthy self esteem, enough food to eat.


Those are the basic pro's & con's. None are no harder nor easier than the others, they are, however, different.

It's all copacetic. I have learned to live alone, do almost everything alone. The benefit to that is that I only answer to myself, only depend upon myself. In rare instances, I will ask for help, yet, only when I double dog need it! Then, I will ask. I know when to ask.
It's very difficult for me to ask for help. I would rather be the one helping others than to be the one who needs help.

People who know me, know how independent, how free spirited I am. They know that when I ask for help I'm close to desperate.

In present day, I'm alone, yet very rarely, lonely. It feels good!

Darren - If you're out there - I'm STILL Skychic!  🚀

A Favorite Forgotten Carol

She had a way with children and she molded them like clay 

She found the greatness in them all and she nurtured them each day

Though she never had been married or had children of her own

She could help the toughest child be good

And so she would not be misunderstood 

She told her story every chance she could

Her story:

Mary let me hold her baby

Her newborn son

Though I'd never be a mother

I felt like one

Mary let me hold her baby

So she could rest

And ever since that night I held him

My life's been blessed

Those like me who can't have children

Still can be mothers

Something in his eyes convinced me

I could serve so many others

Mary let me hold her baby

So soft and warm

Mary let me hold her baby

And I was reborn

Something in his eyes convinced me
I could serve so many others

Mary let me hold her baby
So soft and warm
Mary let me hold her baby
And I was re-born

********************************************************************************

Beautiful Christmas carol by Michael McLean

It melts my heart every time. This is the link to the music, below. I hope it touches your heart. I hope it moves you as it has moved so many others.

https://youtu.be/dMqK3Ouabm4

URBEX!

Yupp, ha ha! It's here, it's now & so cool!

Urbex is really a thang. 🕺

It caught fire maybe 6 years ago or more. I was kinda distracted. Also, kinda busy moving from place to place working to survive, so, I found it now!

The object is to find abandoned places such as homes, businesses, etc that are abandoned, left wide opened, then, explore it! 

I have to mention here that the Urbex chix & dudes go a bit further by vlogging it (video blogging) & posting it on the internet. Most often, it's on their You Tube channel.

The Urbex people are from all over the world though I noticed that most of them are from the US, UK & Canada.

Is it legal? idk ~ you tell me! 

Ah only watch it, live vicariously through the kewel adventures these people have. Although I have had many adventures of my own, I'm far from an Urbex. Aw, Dang!

One Urbex, I have to say, is my favorite!

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCNYsIqBwQyhnNDVf7SXJV9w

Check him out! He has a few You Tube Channels, this one is my favorite!

Exploring with Josh- Simple, to the point, very real! Love it!

Josh is just a cool guy, traveling the world, living on donations to his channel & selling his "merch"! 

Love that, too!

He goes all over the world, exploring abandoned mansions, castles, decrepit theme parks, sometimes simple small homes that, for whatever reason, were abandoned with everything left behind.

Sometimes there's a back story, most often ~ no story. Use your imagination! You could be right, I may be...

Josh often teams up with other Urbex's from all over the world. They use drones to get aerial, often wear protective gear such as masks & gloves like when they explored Chernobyl. He & his fellow Urbex's have also explored Bruce Lee's (if you know who he was) abandoned home.

It's just sitting there, open wide, succumbing to decay.

They also explore old hospitals, nursing homes, catholic girls schools, morgues, mental asylums ~ cah-ree-peee! Still, kinda fun!

Boats are also fair game as well as "Doll Island" in Mexico!

There's a real fun one for ya, if you like Chucky dreams!:)

Something I really admire about Josh is that he is so humble! He often makes speech faux pas that only add to his charm & the entertainment factor of his videos!

Nursery Home = Nursing home

Hanes Ketchup= Heinz Ketchup

The decay feel = Decayed Feeling

Boringest = Most boring

Disinterated = Disintegrated

Rabies Dog = Dog with rabies

He's so funny, unpretentious, a great videographer & photographer! It's obvious that he's a smart guy, having fun doing what he does ~ very well, I have to say!

His observations come out of nowhere in a GOOD way!

"Imagine living in an old folks home. And you gonna be with grumpy people you just hate, every single day. Like, they're so grumpy and old. And, like, they're not gonna change until they're dead. So, I can only imagine them feeling like, 

"Is this guy dead? Is he dead, yet? Is he dead? Cause, you're so grumpy and you're old! I don't where I'm getting at this!"

"We've literally spotted a toilet in the hallway! That's how you know it's screwed up!"

He cracks me up!

Something I really like is that Josh has integrity. He leaves the buildings as he found them. He isn't there to loot or vandalize, he's just there to explore & vlog!

He's great entertainment!

Love it!

Here's his newest as of 12/16/2018

https://youtu.be/ZyJeiFQwzYY

Check him out, support his urbex, buy the merch! 

                                                                   

Proof Can Hit Hard

As if it was yesterday, I remember it. 

Granted, I have a very strong recall ability only slightly obscured when trauma is a part of the memory.

She was born as a sweet, beautiful blue eyed baby with soft fuzzy blonde hair ~ a lot of hair! I looked in her crib, into her wide opened eyes. I felt a deep responsibility toward her, although I was not much older than she was. 
Starting when she was just 4 weeks old, I would hold her so my mother could get things "done" around the house. It was a joy for me to hold her, play with her, listen to her coos, her sweet baby laughter.

As she grew into a toddler, my father decided that she was old enough to take a whipping from him, using his thick leather belt.
Often, I would step in front, to take her beatings for her. 
She was only 2 years old!

I protected her. We shared a bedroom as well as a clothes dresser, closet and a bed. We shared this with our older sister, except she had her own bed, until our sister moved out, came back for about a year, then, left permanently after she was married.

She and I fought, played Barbies, went trick or treating together. 

When my mother had morning sickness with 1 pregnancy that miscarried, then our younger brother, I took her to school with me. As I went through the day, at school, I carried her on my back, through the school, when she became tired.

When my parents didn't like the way things were going with the first guy I seriously dated, she was sent along as a "chaperone."
She was easily bribed with M&M's so we could go to a park & make out while she ate her candy in my boyfriends' car. Shhhh!

As time went on, I knew I needed to get out, spread my wings to fly out into the world, on my own.
Feeling a bit of trepidation at leaving her, I had to start to make a life for myself. Also, she and I began to clash as the age gap between us was causing friction, I had to leave!

When I left my parents home to serve in the United States Air Force, I wrote to her when I could. There was very little time during BMT.

I was still a teenager, when I went back to Michigan on leave after military training & before going on to my first assignment. I was able to see my family, my parents home, the dynamics of the various familial relationships. 
I was different. 
Everyone at home was still the same.
I wanted to go out with friends, go to a movie, everything I had been restricted from doing for the last 6 months.
She wanted me to play Barbies with her, like we used to. She was more of a child than I was, yet, I was still basically a child. I went out with friends instead of playing Barbies with my sister.

Upon arriving at Hickam AFB, Hawai'i, there was a flurry of training, moving, adjusting, working. There was also a bit of going to the beaches & exploring the beautiful island of O'a'hu, that was now, home.

Time moved me on, like a river, flowing forward. 

As she grew into her tumultuous teen years, she became too much for my parents to handle. There was a lot more to it, yet, the end result was that she was sent to live with me.

I had been married a couple years, had a 5 month old baby. Still, the feeling of responsibility for her, was still with me.
In time, as a 16 year old, out of control, she was too much for me to handle.

She was sent to live with another family, eventually, returning to Michigan. I lost track of her in the confusion.

10 years passed by. I was living in Germany, getting ready for a military move to Howard AFB, Republic of Panama', Central America. The move to Panama' was a warm relief from the cold.
We moved from one dwelling to the next a few times before finally settling in, in a huge house on Howard AFB.
One day, the phone rang, it was an operator asking me to accept charges from my sister. 
I took the call.
We got back in touch with each other, exchanging letters, cards, speaking on the phone.
Whatever had transpired over the years. The painful episodes of her outbursts, her wild behavior, her hurtful words. I still loved her.

Peeps! This is only my own personal moral code, for me. I have never been a shack up honey, I doubt I could ever do it.
If others do this, it's their choice, I can only choose for myself.
When my sister told me she had been shacking up with a guy for the past 7 years, it broke my heart for her.
Both she and her shack up guy wanted to get married, they were not quite sure how to go about it. 
They wanted it to be nice.
When she told me this, I told her that if she wanted to get married, I would bring my family, 4 kiddos & a spouse, from Panama, Central America to Utah, USA, to make her wedding a very nice one.

She talked it over with her guy, he proposed soon after that in such a touching, beautiful way! He had called a radio station, asked them to play, Waiting For a Girl Like You by Foreigner. He waited for the song to play on his radio. He knew sign language, so as the song played, he used ASL to ask her to marry him. He re-enacted this for myself & my family when we arrived in Utah.
He asked her, with a ring and the date.
She said "Yes"!!

At this time, I started the plan to get my family to Utah. It was a monumental task! It would be worth it to see my sis married.

In truth?
They were 2 imperfect people with mental problems, physical problems, financial problems.
Their love for each other was perfect & pure.
It has been rare when I have seen 2 people who loved each other as much as my sister and this guy loved each other, on that day.

I made her bridal veil and her cake. Our Aunt Yvonne had sent a wedding cake topper. Her friends made her dress which was basically, a huge white tent with sleeves and a neck opening. My sister was 4'11", 520 lbs. The man she married loved her with all his heart as much as she loved him. 
It was so obvious!

Obesity seems to be part of my family genetics. I fight it!!!!

I went back to Panama', my sister and her husband were happy!

Myself & my family moved to Colorado from Panama'.

She was only increasing in size with time. Her doctor wanted to try a procedure with her to possibly help her in her physical struggles. 
That's how she was consulted on this "procedure".

I KNEW they were using her as a guinea pig. After speaking to my sister about this "procedure", later on that night, I prayed about it to receive guidance as to what to say to her.

As a very spiritual person, often, I receive messages, promptings.

Angels came to me to tell me to caution my sister to NOT have this medical procedure. When I phoned her to tell her what I had received, from angels, to caution her, not to allow the doctors to do this, she was unconvinced. 
The procedure was scheduled for the next day.

A group of ladies I knew, in Colorado, had found out that my birthday had been a week earlier. They planned a surprise birthday party for me on the day of my sisters' procedure.

On the day of my sisters procedure, which was also the day of the "surprise party", my second oldest daughter had misbehaved at a girls summer camp, broken the rules. I had to drive out to the girls camp to bring her home. I didn't like their stupid rules, either!

Arriving home, I received a phone call from one of the "Birthday Ladies" with a suspicious invitation to come to her house to "help" her. I knew what this was!

The next phone call was from my sisters husband.

My sisters husband told me to sit down. Tearfully, he told me that my sister had passed on just an hour ago...…….

I was in shock! An uncontrolled, high pitched wail ,from deep inside me, burst from my diaphragm, that scared our Doberman and brought my kiddos running, was all I could do. 
I dropped the phone in shock, pain, horror.

Knowing that I had to go to Utah, to do the last thing I could for my sister, I hurried up to make airline reservations.

The funeral was beautiful, the hall was packed with so many people who had loved my sister. Our older sister, her husband (I think he was there?), our older brother, his wife, and our dad were all there. They had driven as fast as they could, from Michigan to Utah.

Due to some misunderstandings that went unaddressed, unsolved over the years, a pain filled rift formed between myself and many members of my immediate family. The result was the contempt that Daddy felt toward me.
Daddy was a bitter man. He held grudges like a professional grudge holder. As much as I wanted a reconciliation, when faced with my sisters death, Daddy was not going to have it.

After the funeral, the burial, none of us had much appetite for the funeral dinner which followed. I went back to the hotel where my older sister, her hubby(?), our Daddy, brother & his wife were staying.
Before they all started the drive back to Michigan, I went to my Daddy.
Facing him with his eyes averting mine, I opened my arms to him, looked straight at him, said,
"Daddy? Can I please hug you?"
His eyes were steel grey, he looked up with a look of pure hatred.
Then, he snarled,
"You can just fucking go to hell!"
This was so typical of my Daddy, it barely phased me.
Back at him, I said, 
"Well, I guess you'll get there before I will."

So, my little sis had passed on, buried and Daddy hated me. Cool.
He died a few years after she did. Both of my parents had very unhealthy habits. Their eating habits were atrocious. They were both heavy smokers, Daddy was a raging alcoholic for most of his life. They tore away at each other for 30 years with frequent,violent arguments.
My Mother was only 58 when she died. She was the youngest of herself & her 4 sisters. The last one born, the first to die.
Way too young to die.

The aftermath of this event was that I felt like I had failed. I loved my little sister so much, as much as I loved her, I couldn't save her.
Not this time.
I still love her.
Every year, on her birthday, I remember her.

Today, I received an email from the cemetery, where she is buried, with a photo of her grave stone.

Merry Christmas, your sister is still dead.

Happy New Year, she's in a better place!

How to know

Since the time I began blogging, people ask me this question.

How do you know what to write in your blog?

It's a part aerie faerie, part inspiration, part creative energy.

Writers block. What is that? Umm, something I rarely experience!

Writing comes naturally to me in a few different forms. Composing poetry, creative writing, story telling, personal experience, all of these are a good, strong, writing bank to draw from.

My silly brain thinks in 5 languages.
Yup.

When I'm "in my head" & a thought pops in, often, I will ask myself, "How would I say that in _________?"
(Fill in the language)

It simply comes to me.

Many different sources catch my attention throughout the day, it sizzles around in thought form, sometimes comes out in the form of a blog entry. 
Writing a public blog entry can be tricky. Mostly, refraining from using the personal names of living persons is only courteous.

What would you write about?
Would you include pictures?
Would you put a photo of yourself on your blog?
How much would you share? FYI -  Over-sharing is off putting.

A sliver of mystery is good, the whole tree, less so. 😎

BOHICA - 2019!

Are you a fan of New Years Resolutions?

Personally, I'm more of a fan of personal resolutions. These can be put into place at any time during the year.

Along with this, I'm incorporating, we teach people how to treat us. Also known as, only treat others as one of your priorities when they also treat you as a priority.

Life happens, this is true. When being on someone's "back burner" is viewed as ongoing instead of an event, it's obvious that you are not a priority to that person. 

It's time to reorder your own priorities.

Wasting your time & energy on another person who views you as just another option is only frustrating when you allow this treatment to continue. 

You are teaching them that you're content as one option of many.

Did you notice that I said that you feel this way, you are treated this way, you are simply one of many. 

Here's another "you".

You can choose differently.

You can put the people you prioritize in a different order.

This is something I have been evaluating, lately. Having given this some thought, listened to Dr. Ramani Durvasula's interviews, it makes sense to start prioritizing those who prioritize me, also viewing those who treat me as an option & treating them as an option.

She is known simply as Dr. Ramani. She's a very insightful counselor, therapist, I guess? Her observations make a lot of sense, can provide wisdom to navigate through this life on Earth.

Having listened to her interviews for a couple of months has led me to a decision. The decision is to start, in 2019, to begin to treat those who treat me as an option, as options in return. Also, to begin to treat those who treat me as a priority, as my priority in return.

There's a feeling of peace that comes with this decision. This is how I know that it's a necessary step. Having a very loving & giving heart, I have treated as many people as I could with loving care, as a priority. 

When people who are supposed to care, keep me on a back burner consistently, it's time to put them lower on the list of my priorities.

Being kind, begins with being kind to yourself. Even the air travel industry knows that you must don your own oxygen to help others.

I'm going where the air is pure, clean, refreshing!!