What's your damage? ;)

Life
Earth
2018


Since life experience for me is limited to my lifetime, when people say life used to be harder or easier, I have to believe them.
After all, it's their life experience, I can only speak of mine.

With that written, it seems that everyone has been changed or scarred or forged in the fire of life experience. Some of the damage occurs at our own hands, our own good judgment or lack thereof.

My "damage" if you will is most likely a combo of the 2.

I have done some stupid things yet, I have also done some quite remarkably intelligent things in my short life. 😁
Both lists are too long to list with one being shorter than the other!
Can you guess which one is longer or shorter?

It's redundant to recount the problems of my childhood. It's too personal to tell a readership of over 50,000 of the painful experiences while I served in the US Air Force.

All I will disclose is that I have been diagnosed by a trained professional with severe PTSD/MST.

https://maketheconnection.net/conditions/military-sexual-trauma

Personally, I believe that there is a smaller reward with smaller risk. There is also greater risk for greater reward. 
Yup. 
By all measures & descriptions, I should be more scared, I should be less inclined toward boldness, risk taking, call it as you see it!

Being more of a calculated risk taker is how I roll!
(I have been told I rock, too! 😜 )

In todays world almost no one will live a full life with no damage whether it's physical, emotional, sexual, spiritual. Ya' feel me?

Living with PTSD has been a challenge for me. When I was told that I exhibit the symptoms, it was hard for me to believe. I had stuffed it all so deep in my psyche so that I could exist in as much normalcy as possible.
When I found myself completely alone for the first time in my life, a few years ago, the PTSD bubbled up to the surface.
Peeps ~ It hit hard, yet, it was only the beginning.

When many people think of a person with PTSD, they might picture a grimy, long haired, unshaven guy still wearing a threadbare military uniform. The guy has everything he owns in a green duffel bag or a shopping cart. He might be pictured as waiting at the corner off of the freeway exit holding a cardboard sign asking for money, food or both. Often, it's true, not always.

That's the stereotype.
People with PTSD are in all areas of life & guess what?
Some military veterans with PTSD are even...gasp...female! A military person with PTSD may have been in  combat, yet, there are many situations in military life that can cause PTSD.

The stereotype of so many things is just that, a stereotype, in todays world.
Many military veterans are living, working, functioning with PTSD, completely unaware that they are affected by their time served in the military.
FYI ~ I know that people can have PTSD from other experiences unrelated to time served in the military.

When I found myself completely alone, for the first time in my life, the PTSD/MST symptoms bubbled to the surface of my psyche. There was no one who I had to be responsible to or for. This means it was a safer environment for that which I had buried deeply, to make it's way to the surface. OMG. It surfaced!
Upon moving to Texas, the Veterans Administration Officer talked with me, then told me that he could see the very subtle signs of PTSD in me.

What were the signs?

These indicators are personal, so, it may be different for others.

If you think YOU have PTSD, you should get a professional diagnosis. If you base my symptoms on your behaviors it's akin to wearing someone else's prescription spectacles aka eyeglasses.

The first symptom that the VA officer noticed was that I have trust issues. The trust issues are specific to me, yet too personal to say.

Sleep disturbances are a nightly battle for me. I thought it only stemmed from  my chronic lackanookie. Maybe. Um, maybe.

Hypervigilance is definitely a problem. Sneak up on me & you might get a swift kick to the wherever or even a tasing. It has happened a few times to those who tested the theory.

That, which I experienced while serving AD/USAF, has affected me in so many ways. There are also some VERY GOOD ways.

What are they?

Before entering the military:

Shy, no self confidence, low self esteem, not enough food.

After BMT & Tech School:

Outgoing, self confident, healthy self esteem, enough food to eat.


Those are the basic pro's & con's. None are no harder nor easier than the others, they are, however, different.

It's all copacetic. I have learned to live alone, do almost everything alone. The benefit to that is that I only answer to myself, only depend upon myself. In rare instances, I will ask for help, yet, only when I double dog need it! Then, I will ask. I know when to ask.
It's very difficult for me to ask for help. I would rather be the one helping others than to be the one who needs help.

People who know me, know how independent, how free spirited I am. They know that when I ask for help I'm close to desperate.

In present day, I'm alone, yet very rarely, lonely. It feels good!

Darren - If you're out there - I'm STILL Skychic!  🚀