The Times of Life

Sometimes the day comes to let people go, even if you still love them, even if.....even if. Friendships are precious yet only when they are mutual.

When you both help each other.

When the ties that bind are regularly renewed.

If you are both better people because of each other.

Your values align.

Conversations from long ago can resume.

Both people valuing each other.

Being there for each other is a surety.

You can be of different religions, different lifestyles, differing political views. Still, the love for each other, the ties that bind.

It's all still there as it has always been no matter what.

In my short life I have had so many great people who I have been so happy to truly call my friends. There have also been a few times that I had to realize that, though I was there for certain people, they were not there for me. A friendship that started out well, devolved into something unwell. Like a sickness that starts out as a tickle in the throat. Then, becomes more until it's strep throat or much worse.

Though I had been happy around them at the start, it became that I was a sadder person because of them.

That, I felt more like I was being used by them.

It's a sad thing, while it's also a necessary thing to let them go. Let them find their helpers, their happiness, their people somewhere else.

When the realization, while in a session with a skilled counselor, hit me, it was brutal. Up to that point I had wracked my brain, thought deeply, why my adult children act the way they do, toward me.

In that counseling session, the realization that they treat me in the way their father taught them to, by the way HE treated me.

Children learn what they live.

Children learn by example, then, carry it into adulthood.

Their father often said, 

1.You don't have to do what your mom says, she never knows what the hell she's talking about.

2. Go outside & play, you can do your homework later, I'll deal with your mom.

3. It's okay to lie to your mom, if it keeps her from getting angry.

4. You kids are my blood; your mom is just a wife.

Of course, as an attempt to deflect accountability for his actions, he denies ever saying this. His practice of setting up a camera to video routine days in our home, has clear audio of him saying these horrible things. Maybe he just hired an actor to portray him? NOT.

Possibly, my children are unaware as to why they have little respect for me. Their attitude toward me was learned from their father from an early age. 

Children learn what thy live.

Three of my 4 children treat me the way their father taught them to treat me, one of them has realized that the way she was taught to treat me, is wrong. That their attitudes of disrespect & devaluing me, were what was taught to them by their father. Together, she and I worked, really worked to have the tight bond that we have.

As much as I deeply love all 4 children, tolerating the lack of regard for me would be wrong on my part. Tolerating the rudeness of my eldest daughters husband for only so long before I was sick of it. 

He has 2 settings:

Interrogate

Ignore

He would ask me questions then abruptly get up to go to his office to his computer. Then, just as abruptly he would come back to where I was to call me a liar or tell me how wrong I was about the answers I gave to his questions. Then, he would go back to ignoring me. 

At first, I missed my daughter. Then, because I didn't have to deal with her husband's rudeness, it became easier. When I chance to see any photos of her 4 daughters, I wouldn't recognize any of them if I saw them in real life. I didn't let myself get very attached to them in the very scant times I was around them, so, I don't miss them.

It was obvious that when I stopped kissing their father's azz, he wouldn't allow me to spend time with them. 

My daughter began to act more like him, not allowing mee to visit even when her husband was gone for several months.

You can't miss someone or something you never had to start with. Besides all of that, in order to have a friendship with a minor you must be on good terms with their parent or parents.

I am all that I have, my own choice, so I must tend to my own heart.

Spending the first half of my life I worked, struggled to eke out even a little love, acceptance, kindness from my parents. It would never happen, so, when I realized this, it was necessary to let go.

With my children who are now adults, I had to make that same determination. 

The way they & their spouses treated me caused so much deep, soul eating pain, I had to let go of them. Had to stop crying when it was Mother's Day, my birthday, Christmas etc.

Treating their mother with a lack of love is on them. If I continued to accept the treatment, that would be on me. So, I stopped accepting it.

I can still love them from a distance.

It's very different with my youngest child. She came to the realization as to what formed her attitude toward me on her own. It was something she had to discover for herself.

The mutual love, respect, kindness, caring between us is what I have. Better to be grateful for who I do have instead of crying over who I don't have. 

When she & her husband were wed, I drove the 19 hours to be there.

Her husband is very kind, calm, caring, treats me with love & respect. When my daughter graduated with a BA in Mechanical Engineering - no student loan debt! 

I was SO proud of her. I made the 19-hour drive straight through from Texas to Utah to be at their graduation.

She's now working on her Masters in ME. Her husband is a brilliant man. He has his PhD in ME.

Letting go of those we love can be hard yet when it's necessary, it feels so good once it's done. You are a kind person, a valuable person, even a wiser person when you realize this then let them go. You will keep those people in your life who truly care about you, whom you truly care about. People who you would give your blood to save, your money to provide relief if that was, indeed, what it took because you care.

People who fail to show courtesy, love, etc. can be your parents. Your siblings. Your grown children. Relatives by blood or marriage. These connections can only carry such weight to a certain point. Then, one day, you realize that the connection has died either on one side or by both people.

It's wise to let go. Never beg someone to care about you.

When those same people don't feel the same or it's obvious that they are disproportionate takers, that's when it's time to let them go. Life gives us all twists & turns. It's tricky at times, to navigate. Navigating is a skill in itself. Without navigating our lives, we can easily be navigated by others for their assorted, often nefarious purposes.

Learn to be definitive in your opinions, your decisions, your likes & dislikes. It will serve you well.

Some readers might have thought it would be a poem.

Hah!

This morning, these are just some thoughts I had.

Thank you for reading.