Energy Saving Mode

 

For such a long time, I was there for everyone. Even those who weren't there for me. I followed my promptings. I listened to my intuition, maybe a bit too closely. Sometimes I wasn't sure if it was coming from actual intuition or my love for others.

I gave away money, possessions, opinions, personal insight plus more. I gave my time, my caring, swallowed my pride, humbled myself.

The most valuable of all that I gave away was my personal life force, my energy.

It was common for me to give gifts to people who clearly didn't care much about me, rarely if ever reciprocated. People whom, I'm sure, are very kind, intelligent, decent people who had little interest in going out to lunch with me, never gave me a birthday card or Christmas card.

People can be so self-centered, self-serving in a world where narcissism is common, it's richly rewarded, even encouraged. I see people doing so many things just to get likes, loves, any attention they can get. As well as, getting as much as possible.

I'm a simple person, I need/want less attention. Maybe it's an after effect of having had three stalkers in Colorado & 1 in Texas. Can you say:

 "Solitude is very sad, too much company is twice as bad."

My ideal is working alone then unwinding with a needlework project.

Actually, I prefer solitude. I love people, I'm also one who needs a lot of alone time to keep myself balanced, content, serene.

In 2012, a guy I became entangled with, hurt me emotionally. Very deeply, very painfully. It took me 3 years & 2 ~ 13-week courses to get over it. 

Something truly extraordinary happened, then. I will always be grateful to the guy who hurt me. The pain taught me some very profound, very valuable lessons. When I say there was pain, I'm referring to the sort of pain that had me crying myself to sleep nearly every night. Sometimes, I would wake up in the morning with the sounds of my own cries of anguish that woke me. My face felt very cold, wet from my own tears.

That was the sad - bad - mad part.

The good part was that the pain took away 99% of my desire to have a man, as a romantic interest, in any capacity. I became very happy, very comfortable going to restaurants, movies, everywhere, by myself. Songs about loneliness & heartbreak began making me laugh so hard. It was because I saw that it had become so foreign for me to feel like that. I'm all that I have which is enough, sometimes even too much.

Another benefit is that the liars, fuk bois, players & romance scammers have nothing I want nor need. Their flattery, come ons, sweet words that used to have at least some appeal?

The words, flirting, witty lines started to have zero effect on me.

Zip

Zero

Nothing

Flat

In fact, the effect was the very opposite of what they seemed to think it would have. Most likely it had worked for them several times before, with other girls. So, they would mistakenly believe it would work on me.

That's a big NO.

Simply walking away shaking my head, no, giggling gave them answer.

I love men. I love their voices, their scent, hearing their point of view, their life experiences. It's fascinating to hear of the projects they have worked on that turned out so well.

I have known many great men in my life, so far. Men who had a helping hand to get started as well as some guys who had to overcome crushing adversity to make their way in the world.

I love men, I simply am just as happy without one in my life in a romantic sense as I would be, with one. In fact, the exhilarating freedom I have, which I only gained 6 years ago, for the first time in my life, is so much more enriching than having a boyfriend or husband could ever be.

I have platonic buddies. Single guys who visit occasionally. All of them know we are platonic. I tell them from the start, I will never do anything with them that I wouldn't do with a 5-year-old boy.

That's putting it in clear, no room for doubt terms.

With his permission, I will convey a recounting of a recent incident, with a buddy. Being truthful with him, I told him we will only ever be platonically involved. It's been over 10 years since we met.

To be clear, my lack of desire for sexual involvement has a lot to do with my desire for my children to see me as a good role model. It also has a lot to do with the fact that I am still very fertile. It also has a lot to do with wanting to protect my tender heart from ever being shattered, again.

Shout out to people (girls & guys) who have had their hearts broken too many times. Who choose to fly solo as I have chosen.

So, I have a wicked sense of humor, bordering on evil. Yant-ah-ah.

Buddy was visiting. We had good pizza, he had good beer, we were catching up. Watching good Star Trek. ALL Star Trek is GOOD! Mah buddy says so. It must be true.

After we had caught up on our lives & Star Trek SNW, he asked an off the wall question. Out of the blue. Unexpected. So weird.

It went like this:

So do you ever think about sex?

Like, with you?

Nah, like in general. (He was kinda sorta lying!)

Nope

Never?

Nope, nope.

Seriously, like, never?

My friend I don't do the cuddle puddle.

Really?

I stopped romancing the bone in 2012.

Just for you, buddy! Lighten up. 

Maybe I went too far, maybe he was suffering from lack-a-nookie. Possibly, a bit of both. Should I have reined it in? Should I have just let it go ala Frozen?

He, politely, excused himself, told me, he was going to get going aka going back to his annoying family in a town 60 miles away.

Mm Hm, right, skippy.

He might have been offended? Disappointed?

Possibly a 50/50 mix.

I thought it was funny! It WAS funny. 

Done with romancing the bone, ha ha.

Buddy always sleeps in my guest room. It's been characteristic for him to visit for 2 - 4 days. I may have bruised his ego a bit. If he was mad, he can get himself glad. I was truthful with him.

In my quest for keeping my energy mostly to myself, I stopped getting involved in long conversations with people. Conversations at the gym, the stores, among many places. I became more focused on what I was doing whether it's a workout or a grocery run or some such.

Several years ago, I cut back on giving stitched gifts to others. My needlework pieces are exquisite, that's what people tell me. I take great pride in the beautiful pieces I create by hand. My needlework pieces are even more time consuming than they are beautiful. There has been a few times when I would pour my love, energy & time into a beautiful gift only to see it be less appreciated than cheap goods from Mexico, China or Vietnam.

Ouch, baby, that really hurts.

I became more selective as to whom I gifted my work of heart, to. It felt very necessary as the item sometimes represented as much as a year in creating just one gift. Since I started in my current career, I have much less time to stitch than I used to. I still have a high energy level; it's channeled mostly into this career that I love.

Something that is so heart breaking for me to see is when I go to secondhand stores, aka thrift stores then seeing among the many preowned treasures, beautifully stitched gifts. Some of them have an inscription that say something to the effect of:

To Linda, Merry Christmas 1978, love mom.

or

To Jim, I'm so proud of you, love grandma 2001.

or

For the love of my life, I'm so happy I married you, much love, Tim.

or

To my best friend, forever more, love Karen.

This stabs at my heart. The prices these are sold for is even more saddening. Usually $1.99 - $10 for a piece that was lovingly made with the hundreds of hours it took to create it.

All of these examples drove the knife into my stitchers heart, making me want to keep my hand made treasures for myself. Once in a great while I still give stitched gifts when I'm completely sure that it will be appreciated. 

In my heart, in a perfect or even mostly perfect world I could freely give store bought or handmade gifts to those whom I love. Keep my heart opened, pouring out love to everyone! My heart still wants to do that, the longing is still as strong as it has ever been. With the lessons I have learned, I know that it would most often be a waste of my time, energy, love, kindness. As much as I want to give, I know it's healthier for me to temper it. 

In my mind, I dream up fantasies of making something so beautiful that I have poured love, time, caring, thoughtfulness into. Upon giving the intended recipient my treasure, I see a flush of happiness, a broad smile maybe even a tear as they gaze on their gift.

It's more fantasy than reality.

When a friendship or romantic relationship has ended, I have often been glad that I didn't give the person a stitched gift.

Since I have been keeping my energy mostly to myself, I have been finishing needlework projects I started a long time ago. I'm unashamed to say, without actually counting them, there might be 200 or more.

That number drops lower as I finish each project.

Why did I start so many? There are as many reasons as there are unfinished projects. A more important aspect is that I'm finishing them, now. The temptation to start a new project is very strong! This is the case with so many stitchers, if it were a job, starting new projects would be labeled as an occupational hazard. Many stitchers lament on this topic, there are many patterns that even announce it!

There are so many beautiful patterns with the designers continuing to publish new ones. Ugh, no ugh, yes ugh! 

As I continue to keep most of my energy to myself, I'm also having some beautifully spiritual experiences. The money I would have spent on others has been poured into the fantastic products sold by a company by the name of Omnilux. 

Medical-Grade LED Light Therapy At Home By Omnilux (omniluxled.com)

They sell LED devices for the face, neck & chest, backs of hands. Recently they began selling topical products. July is my birth month. I already have all of the LED devices they sell, I treated myself to a starter set of their topical skin care products. Just as their LED skin care devices more than deliver on their promise, the topical skin care products are the best I have ever used!

The LED devices repair sun damage, greatly reduce discoloring from sun damage, hormonal changes. I never had much acne, yet I know some people who are using the LED devices to greatly reduce scarring from acne. The LED devices also radically diminish fine lines & wrinkles.

When I bought the LED gloves, yes, two, to treat both hands at the same time, I noticed that my hands moved more fluidly. I never noticed that my hands had become slightly stiff. After 60 days of using my Omnilux gloves for a minimum of 10 minutes each day, the stiffness was gone! This was a very nice side benefit!

Yes, their products are pricey, I'm worth it.

Self-care is so under-rated. I shall continue to mostly keep my energy to myself, taking care of my health. 

Body, mind, soul.

An "It's My Birthday" frame of mind

For several years I have been celebrating my birthday in a unique way.

Of course, it's a reoccurrence of the day I was born. July 14. It can be more about others, about giving back, less about me me me. There are 2 things I do, most years, around the anniversary of my birth.

Long before the social media "give back", I was doing it. 

It's quite simple, it feels good to give back.

1. Choosing one person who has made a positive difference in my life, I send a handwritten note to them along with a personalized gift. This year, a person who was very kind to me when I was a child, has come back into my life. I sent a Hawai'ian plumeria lei to her along with a letter of gratitude for how her kindness affected my life. I'm unsure if she reads my blog or not. The lei has already arrived & she loves it. Absence of a spoiler.

2. My favorite needlework designer is Nora Corbett who has three different design lines. Mirabilia, Little Stitches, Designs by Nora. Her designs are so exquisite, often whimsical, elegant. The designs are loved by so many stitchers all over the world. Many of her designs are out of print & highly sought after. Let's just say I have been a stitcher for 90% of my life. I have most of Nora Corbett's designs from all three lines. In the month of my birthday, I hold a drawing to give away an unused pattern. I KNOW they sell for hundreds of dollars, I'm aware. 

EDIT: I had planned to hold the drawing for a different pattern, one that is rare, out of print. I decided on a different one at the last minute. I live by listening to promptings, I was prompted at the last minute to offer this one. My finished piece is at the framers.

The pattern I'm gifting to someone else: Botanical Garden designed by Nora Corbett of Mirabilia Designs.

There are some things in life that are more important than money,

Giving back during the month of my birthdate is my way of spreading some happiness, even if in a small way. Truly, I feel that it's my personal mission for my life, to help others.

My mission includes spreading happiness when I can. Showing gratitude for the wondrous life I have & all that it entails. There is so much selfishness, fear, hate, sadness in the world. By taking this opportunity to spread some happiness, I hope to counter it, make the world somewhat better in my small way.

With all the ups & downs, hills & valleys as most people have in their lives, a fair amount has been peppered throughout my own life experience.

There will remain an absence of a list. Leaving some mystery is good.

All in all, it's been a good life so far, still so much more to do, to see, so I keep going. Keep going to the gym, it's been a struggle to get back into regular, daily workouts. Keep doing the work I love for the rest of my life, I feel so fortunate to have this career that surpasses all I could have ever wanted. Doing what I love, it feels less like work, more like playing.

One of the natural talents I have is with languages. Currently I'm certified & fluent in five languages. Recently I taught myself to read a 6th language. I can converse in it, though not as fluently as the other five languages. Soon, I will.

For 5 years, a woman, who befriended me, celebrated my birthday. She helped me so much to get over the birthday funk that I used to fall into starting around the first week in July. Although she is no longer part of my life, I will always be so deeply grateful to her for what she did for me. 

She was there.

There is so much more that I am grateful to her, for.

People come into our lives for a reason......well, you know the rest!

A few years ago, I was in contact with a man who I very briefly lived close to. He had such an effect on me. The effect he had on me lingered long after he had left Hawai'i, I went to counseling. The counselor suggested to do something symbolic. In place of feeling the emptiness, sit one day & write his name over & over. I decided to have his initials engraved on a heart shaped locket. It worked a little to keep him out of my mind. When I would fall asleep, I dreamed about him. So ridiculous.

The feeling stayed with me. I spent 10 years writing in a notebook. A counselor suggested it to me. To keep the notebook with me & write everything I felt, all of my thoughts. That would have been good except when a friend who saw me constantly writing pressed me to let them see what I was writing. The friend stressed to me how good it was & that I should publish it. I contacted an editor who also encouraged me to publish. 

I had it edited, formatted into a manuscript, professionally printed, a professional graphic artist designed a cover proposal. 

I must have sent out twenty or so copies of the manuscript to publishing houses. One of the publishers responded! I never saw that happening. The publisher was a bit concerned, though. He told me that though I had used pseudonyms that some of the events were so distinct that he would feel better if I contacted the main person to release the publishing house & me from liability.

Great

I started looking around on the internet, it was very shocking to me that I found him. Rather, he found me. 

He heard that I was looking for him, he contacted me one day. We communicated online first, then, by phone as he requested.

He was so patient, so generous with his time. I was married, he was married. I didn't want to involve in an affair with him. 

All I wanted was to know who he was, who he had become. 

He was so playful, so intelligent, educated & accomplished. 

There is more to it. It's private.

As the time to be in contact with him was winding down, there was one last gesture I needed to make to give myself closure. I had a heart shaped antique gold locket that I'd had since 4th grade. During the time that I lived in Hawai'i, I had his initials engraved on the back of the locket. Every day I wore that antique gold locket on a gold chain, around my neck. I would hold it, rubbing my thumb over the engraved initials. They had faded, so, I had the locket re-engraved before sending it to him along with a brief note expressing gratitude to him. The only way for me to have closure was to get it, for myself. People who knew me, knew I always wore the gold heart locket, asked me why I wasn't wearing it. I just smiled.

It was private, keeping it that way was best. 

Now, anyone who reads this will know.

Did FB start the giveback feature to copy me? I doubt it. Giving back is simply a product of a grateful heart, an expression of thanks to go beyond a smile, pat on the back.

It takes planning, effort, thought, heartfelt expression one to another.

Every day, I make the effort to be grateful, to express gratitude, then, go out into the world to help others as a result. Many people say the oh so cliche' phrase, "I'll pray for you." Words can be flowery, flattering, sugar sweet. 

Actions are the real substance. The flowers in the garden of life where unkind actions can be the weeds that choke out the beauty, the essence of delight, that is a fresh blossom.

A deep desire in life is for me, is to do good in the world.

Enigmatic Hair

My mother had beautiful, bright red hair along with very soulful large brown eyes. She had curly red hair from the day she was born. My grandfather, having seen her immediately after she was born, said she was the wildest thing he ever saw. A full head of bright red curly hair on a newborn. My grandfather was a Detroit cop for several years. He had seen a lot. For him to say my mother was the wildest thing he ever saw, that says a lot!

Myself, I had strawberry blonde hair, light green eyes. Not red hair, strawberry blonde must have been how the gene pool was mixed to create me. It was something I rarely thought about until getting out, into the world, it seemed to be an eye-catching combination.

In school K - 12, I was teased & bullied regarding my light green eyes. They turned yellow in the sun which caused the other children to call me a vampire. That moniker was far less popular than it currently is. Being a vampire was neither sexy nor cool.

There are psychology articles & legends written about people with red hair. It seems that many guys see it as an indicator of a passionate nature. Maybe it's all in the viewer's heads. To me, it's more of an external trait, less of an indicator of a strong, wild sex drive.

Who knows?

I'm simply speculating.

Throughout art history, artists from Botticelli to Dante have promoted the idea of women with red hair to be promiscuous, sensual, devious, a species apart from all other women. Psychology suggests that it's partly wishful thinking of men, partly coercement to act or at the least, to react.

In life, currently, the red streaks in my hair are something I try to cover. It fails every time! 

At first, the color is a beautiful dark blonde with lighter streaks in it. Just ten days after coloring my hair whether I do it at home or have it done professionally, the red begins to emerge. The red streaks are more visible if I'm in sunlight or any bright light. 

Thanks for that, mama.

Leading a quieter life than I used to, those red streaks still draw more attention than I feel comfortable with. Being wild or promiscuous was never for me. Sure, I did some stupid things, none of which could make me pregnant or send me to jail. 

Solo skinny dipping in Hawai'i

Seminude photos 

Crossing a busy street

Revenge against a guy, dumping sugar water on him from above, in public, on a very hot, humid day. He stopped verbally harassing me.

Going to the clothing optional hot springs in Colorado.

As I am, I feel, living my life in the reverse order of many people out there, most of my time is spent working or sleeping. The career of my dreams found me. It feels more like play than work, so, I guess I could be termed as a workaholic, now, I LOVE IT!

Many people go from high school graduation, on to the military or college or both simultaneously. Get an education then begin a career, get married, start having kidlets.

Although I did the HS grad - military - marry & have kidlets. When the marriage fell apart & the kidlets grew up, I had to build a new life for myself, reinvent myself. So, I did.

After the dust had settled on the divorce & the ex huzz was still trying to exercise a bit of control over me, I moved 500 miles away from where he & his wife live. After I moved, it felt as if I had hit a reset button on my life. Aging backwards, if you will, with the wisdom plus knowledge of life I had gained.

Often, I allowed my memory to drift backwards to the beautiful home I lived in, in Waipio Gentry as a single girl. I drove my housemates '75 golden edition red MGB, usually with the top down! Because my housemate was gone a lot, I had quite liberal use of the gorgeous car.

The feeling is a recapture for me, more than the events. far from living in the past. I stay grounded in the present with the asmr of an earlier time in my life.

Allowing the feelings of being so free, happy, to swirl around in my brain feels as close to time travel as I have ever felt.

Do gingers feel free? Deliriously happy?

All I know is that often, I do feel this way.

Gone to Canada

Hello & happy Canada Day!

This is more of a celebration, less of a pity party for one. It's good for people to have enriching experiences. Traveling, as I have done more than the lions share & still have more to do. It can enrich a person's perspective of the world, can facilitate understanding of other peoples plus other cultures. Truly, I'm happy for my daughter, as she has moved to Canada, with her little family, to have this wonderful experience.

A loving, involved, tapped in mother, raises her children to become happy, successful adults. She teaches them life skills to be able to get out in the world to roll with whatever life hands them. I think that's what I did, I hope so. In large families, there may be one or even two, sometimes more offspring, who become very successful adults. 

Proudly, I will say that all 4 of mine, are doing quite well. 

How does one measure success in others, particularly their children?

As only one person, I can tell you how I measure it. All 4 of my elderly babies' aka adults, are educated, intelligent, happy, kindhearted, healthy, 3 are gainfully employed. Being physically healthy & very attractive helps, somewhat. Someone who saw one of my daughters for the first time was struck by her beauty. He referred to her, in her presence, as a "beautiful Hawai'ian Princess".

Her reply?

"Yeah, well, my mamas the Queen, so ya better watch your step."

Did I mention that all 4 have a wickedly hilarious sense of humor!

They got their looks from their father; they got their smarts from me!

One is devoting herself to the loving care of her own children. She has a 24/7 365 days per year job!!! Being a SAHM is a tough, often thankless job which requires endless hours & abilities.

It's a way of doing things.

There is little to no guarantee that your work, sacrifices, sleepless nights & many hours spent on the knees in prayer will be remembered. Sometimes it even goes unappreciated or doesn't even give a commensurate return of the joy that parents often speak of. 

Only one of my children stays in regular contact with me, I only have the mailing address for one of them. The one who I'm in regular contact with has just moved within the last 2 weeks, so, she gets a free pass. 💛

I made a promise to her when her little one was in utero, that I would visit her at least once per year around the time of her child's birthday. As long as she can welcome me, I will visit. Life puts all people through various changes, situations, life stages, so, I truly understand. For 2 years, I have made the nearly 2,000-mile one way drive to visit. Then, a week or so later, made the same drive back to the place I call "home" for now. Before that, I was there for her beautiful wedding & 2 receptions in different states. Then, a year later, I was there when she graduated from college with a BA in Mechanical Engineering.

She worked so hard to graduate with no student loan debt. That is a tremendous fete in itself.

Am I delightfully proud of her?

Hellz to the yeah!

An adult can only have much contact with minor children, when said adult has a good relationship with the parents of the minor child or children. 

My youngest daughter has included me at every life event. At her first wedding reception, she asked me to walk up to where she & her prince charming stood. She verbally honored me, with words of gratitude to thank me for, well, everything I had done as her mother. 

It was such a kind gesture, my heart was beating so hard, then the happy tears flowed, for us plus a few of the guests.

As busy as she was, also currently is, she made time for me. I am so happy to be included in all of hers & her family milestones.

This is to say that I give priority to those who give priority to me.

I love all four of my adult children. In a perfect situation, I would have as close or almost as close of a relationship with all four of them, their spouses & minor children. I have one, so I will cherish her, give my love, my time to her.

So that he may advance in his profession, her husband recently achieved his PhD in Mechanical Engineering. No student loan debt, or at least very minimal.

He can start his career, moved their little family to Canada.

Again, I can say that I'm very happy for them as they have these life enriching experiences.

For me?

It feels like someone opened me up took 3.5 scoops out of my heart.

Yes, that's right, their second little addition will be arriving later in 2023. 

Ils me manquent tellement deja.

It's less of a heavy depressing sadness, more of a soft mantle of enui. Taking less pleasure in that which usually gives me immense buoyancy. 

It's a sort of sadness as less than one that moves me to tears, still a bit heavy on my heart. Tears would be a relief. It's rare that I watch a movie I have already seen that is from more than a year ago. I watched the beginning of the Star Trek Movie from 2009. The scene starting at 07:25 makes me cry, every time. Last night before going to sleep, I watched it, the tears were a small relief.

There are things I look forward to. Going to Mackinac Island with my sister in Autumn. The beautifully custom framed needlework piece which will be back from the framers, soon. Thoughts of taking a day trip within 200 miles of my home or a long weekend to Las Vegas, NV, have occurred to me. I have already taken 10 of my 30 allotted days this year. Star Trek: Strange New Worlds S2 has commenced with a new episode every Thursday. That's a very real source of happiness for me.

A guy friend who loves Star Trek as much as I do, has gifted me with a Horga'an. He gets his jamaharon elsewhere. He and I are platonic friends.

My birthday is soon approaching on July 14, I want to take that day off to do something fun.

That leaves me with 19 days of vacation time off. It's my hope that I can have enough vacation days to reconnect with friends & family in Ohio & Michigan. Yes, I'm driving! Not alone, I keep my buddy, Taser, charged up, ready, if I need some assistance.

When a condition of enui besets me, starting a new needlework project lifts my mood. It delivers the giddy sensation of falling in love, for me. I've fallen in love so many times. Ha ha!

It's far better to finish projects already started. Having finished 7 projects, so far, this year, there are many more to finish. This one was particularly pretty! Just a little bit more to finish.

How many more?

It'll remain as my dirty little secret, though, I confess the number is far from being little or even dirty. There is more than 69 in total. Maybe I could start just one little project!

It will take a bit of time. My daughter usually phones me every Sunday or on my birthday, on many holidays, occasionally just because. She was pressed for time last Sunday, so we did speak for an hour. Our conversations have lasted as long as three hours at times. I'm deeply grateful to her husband for being so kind as to be understanding about hers & my tight bond.

I have a very good life, zero debt, the career of my dreams, a decent house to live in, a decent car to drive. my health is excellent. Having more money plus more freedom than I have ever had in my life is also quite nice.

Having a career I love, I can keep working until the day I die.

As long as I continue to guard my great health, I can keep working. The women in my family, the ones who take care of themselves, live in excellent health past their 80s. A few even lived with total independence past their 90s.

Working a lot, sleeping a lot, I have a very good life. 

Also, I have a rather large smart TV & Star Trek!