For such a long time, I was there for everyone. Even those who weren't there for me. I followed my promptings. I listened to my intuition, maybe a bit too closely. Sometimes I wasn't sure if it was coming from actual intuition or my love for others.
I gave away money, possessions, opinions, personal insight plus more. I gave my time, my caring, swallowed my pride, humbled myself.
The most valuable of all that I gave away was my personal life force, my energy.
It was common for me to give gifts to people who clearly didn't care much about me, rarely if ever reciprocated. People whom, I'm sure, are very kind, intelligent, decent people who had little interest in going out to lunch with me, never gave me a birthday card or Christmas card.
People can be so self-centered, self-serving in a world where narcissism is common, it's richly rewarded, even encouraged. I see people doing so many things just to get likes, loves, any attention they can get. As well as, getting as much as possible.
I'm a simple person, I need/want less attention. Maybe it's an after effect of having had three stalkers in Colorado & 1 in Texas. Can you say:
"Solitude is very sad, too much company is twice as bad."
My ideal is working alone then unwinding with a needlework project.
Actually, I prefer solitude. I love people, I'm also one who needs a lot of alone time to keep myself balanced, content, serene.
In 2012, a guy I became entangled with, hurt me emotionally. Very deeply, very painfully. It took me 3 years & 2 ~ 13-week courses to get over it.
Something truly extraordinary happened, then. I will always be grateful to the guy who hurt me. The pain taught me some very profound, very valuable lessons. When I say there was pain, I'm referring to the sort of pain that had me crying myself to sleep nearly every night. Sometimes, I would wake up in the morning with the sounds of my own cries of anguish that woke me. My face felt very cold, wet from my own tears.
That was the sad - bad - mad part.
The good part was that the pain took away 99% of my desire to have a man, as a romantic interest, in any capacity. I became very happy, very comfortable going to restaurants, movies, everywhere, by myself. Songs about loneliness & heartbreak began making me laugh so hard. It was because I saw that it had become so foreign for me to feel like that. I'm all that I have which is enough, sometimes even too much.
Another benefit is that the liars, fuk bois, players & romance scammers have nothing I want nor need. Their flattery, come ons, sweet words that used to have at least some appeal?
The words, flirting, witty lines started to have zero effect on me.
Zip
Zero
Nothing
Flat
In fact, the effect was the very opposite of what they seemed to think it would have. Most likely it had worked for them several times before, with other girls. So, they would mistakenly believe it would work on me.
That's a big NO.
Simply walking away shaking my head, no, giggling gave them answer.
I love men. I love their voices, their scent, hearing their point of view, their life experiences. It's fascinating to hear of the projects they have worked on that turned out so well.
I have known many great men in my life, so far. Men who had a helping hand to get started as well as some guys who had to overcome crushing adversity to make their way in the world.
I love men, I simply am just as happy without one in my life in a romantic sense as I would be, with one. In fact, the exhilarating freedom I have, which I only gained 6 years ago, for the first time in my life, is so much more enriching than having a boyfriend or husband could ever be.
I have platonic buddies. Single guys who visit occasionally. All of them know we are platonic. I tell them from the start, I will never do anything with them that I wouldn't do with a 5-year-old boy.
That's putting it in clear, no room for doubt terms.
With his permission, I will convey a recounting of a recent incident, with a buddy. Being truthful with him, I told him we will only ever be platonically involved. It's been over 10 years since we met.
To be clear, my lack of desire for sexual involvement has a lot to do with my desire for my children to see me as a good role model. It also has a lot to do with the fact that I am still very fertile. It also has a lot to do with wanting to protect my tender heart from ever being shattered, again.
Shout out to people (girls & guys) who have had their hearts broken too many times. Who choose to fly solo as I have chosen.
So, I have a wicked sense of humor, bordering on evil. Yant-ah-ah.
Buddy was visiting. We had good pizza, he had good beer, we were catching up. Watching good Star Trek. ALL Star Trek is GOOD! Mah buddy says so. It must be true.
After we had caught up on our lives & Star Trek SNW, he asked an off the wall question. Out of the blue. Unexpected. So weird.
It went like this:
So do you ever think about sex?
Like, with you?
Nah, like in general. (He was kinda sorta lying!)
Nope
Never?
Nope, nope.
Seriously, like, never?
My friend I don't do the cuddle puddle.
Really?
I stopped romancing the bone in 2012.
Just for you, buddy! Lighten up.
Maybe I went too far, maybe he was suffering from lack-a-nookie. Possibly, a bit of both. Should I have reined it in? Should I have just let it go ala Frozen?
He, politely, excused himself, told me, he was going to get going aka going back to his annoying family in a town 60 miles away.
Mm Hm, right, skippy.
He might have been offended? Disappointed?
Possibly a 50/50 mix.
I thought it was funny! It WAS funny.
Done with romancing the bone, ha ha.
Buddy always sleeps in my guest room. It's been characteristic for him to visit for 2 - 4 days. I may have bruised his ego a bit. If he was mad, he can get himself glad. I was truthful with him.
In my quest for keeping my energy mostly to myself, I stopped getting involved in long conversations with people. Conversations at the gym, the stores, among many places. I became more focused on what I was doing whether it's a workout or a grocery run or some such.
Several years ago, I cut back on giving stitched gifts to others. My needlework pieces are exquisite, that's what people tell me. I take great pride in the beautiful pieces I create by hand. My needlework pieces are even more time consuming than they are beautiful. There has been a few times when I would pour my love, energy & time into a beautiful gift only to see it be less appreciated than cheap goods from Mexico, China or Vietnam.
Ouch, baby, that really hurts.
I became more selective as to whom I gifted my work of heart, to. It felt very necessary as the item sometimes represented as much as a year in creating just one gift. Since I started in my current career, I have much less time to stitch than I used to. I still have a high energy level; it's channeled mostly into this career that I love.
Something that is so heart breaking for me to see is when I go to secondhand stores, aka thrift stores then seeing among the many preowned treasures, beautifully stitched gifts. Some of them have an inscription that say something to the effect of:
To Linda, Merry Christmas 1978, love mom.
or
To Jim, I'm so proud of you, love grandma 2001.
or
For the love of my life, I'm so happy I married you, much love, Tim.
or
To my best friend, forever more, love Karen.
This stabs at my heart. The prices these are sold for is even more saddening. Usually $1.99 - $10 for a piece that was lovingly made with the hundreds of hours it took to create it.
All of these examples drove the knife into my stitchers heart, making me want to keep my hand made treasures for myself. Once in a great while I still give stitched gifts when I'm completely sure that it will be appreciated.
In my heart, in a perfect or even mostly perfect world I could freely give store bought or handmade gifts to those whom I love. Keep my heart opened, pouring out love to everyone! My heart still wants to do that, the longing is still as strong as it has ever been. With the lessons I have learned, I know that it would most often be a waste of my time, energy, love, kindness. As much as I want to give, I know it's healthier for me to temper it.
In my mind, I dream up fantasies of making something so beautiful that I have poured love, time, caring, thoughtfulness into. Upon giving the intended recipient my treasure, I see a flush of happiness, a broad smile maybe even a tear as they gaze on their gift.
It's more fantasy than reality.
When a friendship or romantic relationship has ended, I have often been glad that I didn't give the person a stitched gift.
Since I have been keeping my energy mostly to myself, I have been finishing needlework projects I started a long time ago. I'm unashamed to say, without actually counting them, there might be 200 or more.
That number drops lower as I finish each project.
Why did I start so many? There are as many reasons as there are unfinished projects. A more important aspect is that I'm finishing them, now. The temptation to start a new project is very strong! This is the case with so many stitchers, if it were a job, starting new projects would be labeled as an occupational hazard. Many stitchers lament on this topic, there are many patterns that even announce it!
There are so many beautiful patterns with the designers continuing to publish new ones. Ugh, no ugh, yes ugh!
As I continue to keep most of my energy to myself, I'm also having some beautifully spiritual experiences. The money I would have spent on others has been poured into the fantastic products sold by a company by the name of Omnilux.
They sell LED devices for the face, neck & chest, backs of hands. Recently they began selling topical products. July is my birth month. I already have all of the LED devices they sell, I treated myself to a starter set of their topical skin care products. Just as their LED skin care devices more than deliver on their promise, the topical skin care products are the best I have ever used!
The LED devices repair sun damage, greatly reduce discoloring from sun damage, hormonal changes. I never had much acne, yet I know some people who are using the LED devices to greatly reduce scarring from acne. The LED devices also radically diminish fine lines & wrinkles.
When I bought the LED gloves, yes, two, to treat both hands at the same time, I noticed that my hands moved more fluidly. I never noticed that my hands had become slightly stiff. After 60 days of using my Omnilux gloves for a minimum of 10 minutes each day, the stiffness was gone! This was a very nice side benefit!
Yes, their products are pricey, I'm worth it.
Self-care is so under-rated. I shall continue to mostly keep my energy to myself, taking care of my health.
Body, mind, soul.
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