That was then

That Was Then, This is Now!

Another day off

Good morning, good day, good evening, wherever you are. Thank you for tuning in today.

I gave a bit of background so you can see what life experiences have shaped my personality. Often, have heard other people say they are grateful for the painful experiences, how it made them who they are. Well.....ya won't find that with me! I could have done without the pain filled experiences just fine. Would have been just who I am without them. 

Yet....who knows? Guess i could say "I believe" the painful experiences are something I could have done without.

Why?

I'm just too sensitive. Experiences that hurt other people are devastating to me. They cut me down to my core, sometimes putting me into a bout of depression which I have to make major effort to climb out of, to recover from it.

Every day, I watch for little things to be happy about, to be grateful for, to keep myself in a positive mindset.

The reality is that I am single, I am alone in the world. I'm all I have. Like a plane flying on one engine. If that engine gives out, the plane will crash, there is nothing else to keep it up in the air. My brothers and sister don't care about me, they have made this abundantly clear. Out of my 4 kiddos, only one cares about me. 

Actions speak louder than words. yeah, I know. It's an old idea, yet, it's still so true. It's how I live, how I love, how I perceive if someone gives a dam about me, or not.

For this reason, when I care about someone, they will have no room for doubt. Expressing love, expressing care is how I am toward those I love. 

When a person withdraws, however, I withdraw as well. Better to put the grease on the squawking wheel. If someone gives me "leave me alone" vibes, I generally leave them alone. If and when they contact me again, call, come over, whatever, I welcome that.

From life lessons, I have learned to wait for others to initiate. Rejection, no matter how mild, is also, devastating to me. It's why I have withdrawn from dating at all. Too painful.

The last time I dated was 2012. Needless to say, it was wonderful until it ended. The aftermath left me crying in my bed, night after night, for weeks. From grinding my front teeth together in my sleep, in emotional agony, I had to have $2,000. in dental work done to correct the damage. So, yeah, lol, that would be enough to kill my desire to mingle.

Having put the pain of that behind me, I have moved 2 times since then. Yet, the fear of having to go through that pain again, keeps me single. 

Fitness is my lover, I'm a lover of fitness. I will confess that in 2004, my BMI was 55! If you know what BMI is, 55 is a morbidly obese number. Let me just say, I did not have surgery, nor did I take pills. It has all been time consuming, painful, sweat, swearing self motivating work !!!!!!!

In July 2014, my BMI was measured at 22. Big change, hmm? Ya better believe it! Lately, I have been tweaking my eating habits to further my level of lean muscled fitness. Have to make changes if you wish to see changes. 

Am willing to work, wanting the change.

Until next time.

Have a

wonderful

spectacular

day!!!!