Must Be Strong

Baby, just hold on!

I cling to those words. They keep me going.

Do you deal with depression? Deep, dark, soul eating depression?

I do.

I lost my faith, have never found it again, so, I rarely if ever pray. This song, however, resonates with me.

It feels as if I've been engaged in Spiritual Warfare since forever. Fighting to survive in one piece without losing sanity, losing desire to socialize, losing hope that there will be a semblance of peace, eventually.

Being 1/2 Native American, 1/8 Irish, maybe is why I'm such a fiery, passionate, sexual, consummate student. More relevant than all these, I'm a survivor. Everyone has their trial in life, as selfish as this sounds, it seems that I have been through too many trials.

Abused by Satan. Knowing I have a heart of gold, a deep desire to do good in the world, to love myself first, love others, derive joy from random acts of kindness, Satan wants to have his fun with me to see how much it takes to turn me into someone evil.

Maybe he will someday succeed, most likely, he won't.

His major tool with me is depression.

He used my parents & siblings to distort my mind, then, I went through extensive counseling to fix it.

Next, he used my ex huzz to try to inflict the same damage, I left, then recovered.

Third, he used the males in Colorado Springs who left me so damaged, so emotionally hurt, I was determined to build strong walls around my heart, to never love again so I would not be hurt.

Along came the last one who I would ever expect to come back into my life, he finished me off.. 

The depression lasted for a solid year after that. He had me convinced that we were going to start a life together. OMFG he was slick! He even convinced me to give up my darling Yorkies who I loved so much.

The local Methodist Church had a wonderful counselor who allowed me to sob my heart out in her office. Cleansing tears which helped me to climb out of the dark pit I was in.

Slowly, I began the climb. Baby steps. Every day. Every night. Then, the nightmares started. Horrible nightmares that woke me to the sound of my own screams. Grinding my top and bottom front teeth together so hard, I did damage that required $2,000. to fix and lots of pain in the dentists chair.

Seeking solace, I found that the local Baptist church had a great singles group! WOW! The leader of the group is one of the most incredible men I have ever met. A man who walks the walk. A true son of God, a true follower of Jesus Christ. He is human, I know, still such a good man.

This group has gone the extra mile when I needed them as well as allowing me to give to them.

Yeah, I know

Being a natural helping, giving person, it thrills me that they let me contribute. Depression is the sickness, serving others is the balm of human kindness to soothe a multitude of sadness.

A double sided ice cream cone, top & bottom.

Lick me, bite me!

HAH! 

                                              "Make It Happen"

Not more than three short years ago
I was abandoned and alone
Without a penny to my name
So very young and so afraid
No proper shoes upon my feet
Sometimes I couldn't even eat
I often cried myself to sleep
But still I had to keep on going
Never knowing if I could take it
If I would make it through the night
I held on to my faith
I struggled and I prayed
And now I've found my way

[Chorus:]
If you believe in yourself enough
And know what you want
You're gonna make it happen
Make it happen
And if you get down on your knees at night
And pray to the Lord
He's gonna make it happen
Make it happen

I know life can be so tough
And you feel like giving up
But you must be strong
Baby just hold on
You'll never find the answers
If you throw your life away
I used to feel the way you do
Still I had to keep on going
Never knowing if I could take it
If I would make it through the night
I held on to my faith
I struggled and I prayed
And now I've finally found my way

I once was lost
But now I'm found
I got my feet
On solid ground
Thank you Lord
If you believe
Within your soul
Just hold on tight
And don't let go
You can make it
Make it happen