Minor Medical Procedure, tomorrow!

Yeah, I'm a little scared

It's no big deal, really. Hopefully, it's the last I'll have to have for a long, long time.
But, I'm a little scared. I don't go to a doctor or any medical professional unless I absolutely have to. So, yeah, I absolutely have to do this. Might as well get it over with!

There's just me, at home, in my life. No family. Friends are too busy or far away and busy. I live alone, I feel so very alone without a support system. Have always taken care of me, taken care of others. Maybe it's my lot in life? To be alone.
I find myself wondering. Did I orchestrate this being alone? Consciously? Sub-consciously? OH!
Psychology is such a multi-faceted slippery slope of what ifs and why.
Whilst living in Colorado, I went through so much deep agony wanting to love and be loved. A lot of the memories have been blocked out, yet, I feel the residual essence of having my heart broken so many times.
I have forgotten names, forgotten faces, yet, the pain of the cruelty experienced, sadly, lingers. Oh, I want to let go of it, still trying to figure out how.

The guy on the Tri-State SWAT Team who wanted it all,wanted it now, wanted it his way. His frightening fury when I ended things with him truly made me fear for my safety enough to move to another home.

The guy from Ft Carson whose wife and her girlfriends terrorized me mercilessly. Showing up out of nowhere in public places to taunt me. Painting me as the bad person when the guy had wrecked emotional havoc on me, as he was still playing with many other women besides me, playing with their feelings as he had played with mine. He had even told me he had fallen in love with me. Heartless player.

The USAF Major who lied to me BIG TIME! Even as he was romancing me for a solid year & a half. I laid on my bed and cried for 2 weeks after I discovered the truth, until my neighbor was so worried, had my landlord break in. I was severely dehydrated, had not eaten much in 2 weeks, barely sipping water.

The LDS guy who seemed like a dream. He turned into a nightmare, spreading lies about me when I refused to give him what he wanted.

After the trauma of December 2011, leaving Colorado was the very best thing to do. And.....of course, the hot Paramedic from Castle Rock, begged me to stay in Colorado. Pardon moi. No fucking way! He was so sweet. Why oh why couldn't I have met him sooner??? 
He tried to get me to stay, brought me strawberries & cream, made pancakes for me when he came over in the mornings after being on call all night.
He brought Boston Market takeout & romantic movies when he came over in the evenings. He was wonderful, yet, my mind was made up. I hated living in Colorado. The worst experiences of my life had happened there. No one or nothing would make me stay.
I remember him crying as we hugged for the last time, right before he drove away. He still texts me to say hello, once in awhile.

The last one was really really really horrible. A guy I had dated, loved, fallen hard for, a million years ago came back into my life in July of 2012. It was brief, white hot passionate, ultimately destructive to my emotional, mental, spiritual, well being.
He humiliated me by implying that he would be more attracted to my daughters than he would be attracted to me. Even if we had started a life together, I would have never trusted him around my daughters after the crudeness of that offensive remark which he thought was so humorous. If he had acted or talked inappropriately with one of my girls, he would have been sent packing!
He shamed me for not looking like I did at 20.
He shamed me for fully enjoying the wine he bought for me.
He shamed me for thoroughly loving, enjoying making love with him for hours upon hours each night we were together. He shamed me for it.
It still feels as if there were some big lies he was holding back. I will never know. In truth, it doesn't matter any more.

He did me a favor, actually. His shaming decimated my sex drive, it no longer exists. The emotional pain, has put a deep seated fear in me to ever let a man touch my body, my mind or my heart ever again.
So, I sincerely feel gratitude to him for empowering me with a shield to keep from ever feeling such deep searing pain, ever again. This painful emotional experience was the proverbial capstone atop the other painful experiences. 

Now, in my life, today, I avoid dating as much as possible. I may look at a hot guy, I may even chat with him. I start to feel pain in my stomach, pain in my head if it goes on too long (3 - 5 minutes). I divert my energy toward this wonderful job I'm loving so much. Toward my intense workouts. People marvel at how intensely I work out! They don't know the story, I see no reason to tell them.

I live alone, don't allow many people at all into my beautiful home. It feels better to be alone in a sanctuary, created by me to feel safe from the world. I had a room mate for awhile. He betrayed me by telling the guy I was casually seeing that I was messaging with a guy I didn't even know, on Facebook. Trick was furious, demanded to see the messages. Then, the guy sent me a photo that I never asked for. This sent Trick over the edge! He knew the guy, hated him, then the drama started......sheesh!
Room mate was toast after this, can't live with someone ya can't trust.

So, better off to be alone. Just sometimes, I would love to have someone here to hold me, to be here when I'm anxious or have happy news to share. To hear about his day, to laugh when he leaves the toilet seat up! Gotta love a porcelain salute!

But, I'm too scared. The fear paralyzes me. It would take a very persistent, very patient, strong, confident, single, young, alpha male to break through the ice walls into the warm sweet spot in my heart & mind.

Facing tomorrow alone, not because I want to, it's because there is only one way. By myself, alone, fearless, secretly scared.

Shh!

Don't tell.