Letting go

While recovering from the flu, I have not gone to many places. Wanting to preserve strength.

Cabin fever sets in.

It's raining, so, good time to organize, declutter. While decluttering, I came across some mementos I had bought, thinking of my second oldest daughter. 

A wedding cake topper that looked so much like her. I had fond hopes of presenting her with it someday. 

She was married......twice, lying to me about it both times. I had to find out that my daughter, who swore on July 14th, 2015, that she would absolutely tell me in enough time so that I could be there, when she was going to marry again. 

She was married just a few days later, according to facebook. She didn't even give me the courtesy of an email to let me know.

There was also a tiny antique porcelain lamb that she would have loved, she loved lambs. 

A very pregnant Wonder Woman figurine, to be used for maybe a baby shower cake or simply placed on the table. It was not to be.

None of this will come to pass.

My daughter has lied to me, disrespected me so badly, that I don't want the pain of her betrayal, anymore. The pain is more than I can handle. The lies, the venomous insults, telling me that I had never earned her respect. 

Oh, yeah, because giving birth, loving her even after she gained sustenance from my breasts, puked on me, pooped on me, her stealing from my purse and my bedroom closet, lying to me right up to July 14, 2015.

Enough is enough.

I love her.

I love myself enough to only accept the respect due to a mother.

Anything deceitful, hateful, disrespectful,worse,is unacceptable.

Visiting her, in Florida, in 2012, I was kept awake, by she and her boyfriend screwing in the bedroom next to the one I was in. I was there over New Years Eve, woke up the morning of January 1st to find their underwear & clothes strewn all over the living room and up the hall. So disrespectful. Made me feel so uncomfortable to be there. It was then that I decided that if she wanted to see me, she would have to come to me. 
She has gone to visit her dad & his wife 4 times, since then.
O, joy.

It was time for me, for my peace of mind, to say good bye. :(

I wanted a relationship with her. In the past I had received emails & facebook messages from people asking me just how I could have been so abusive to my daughter.

Oh, yeah, she spoke of things I did that she didn't like. She left out the parts where she called me a BITCH to my face, starting when she was 5 years old.

Not exactly an angel, yet, she was MY PRECIOUS BABY!!!

She left out the part where she stole money right out of my purse. She left out the time my dear friend had a beautiful luncheon prepared for us, prior to daughters High School graduation, yet, dear daughter refused to even get out of bed at 11 am. 

She left out the part where she told me, in 2012,  that my makeup  makes me look like a : 

"tired old streetwalker."

But, I was a horrible mother, according to her. I was not a perfect mother, I admit, yet, I worked very hard to be the best mother I possibly could. When each of my children told me the ways in which I had done the wrong thing, I acknowledged their pain, apologizing to them, while telling them how much I love them and that causing them pain was never intentional.

I was so horribly negligent, so very abusive! 

Shame on me!!! (sarcasm)

I guess that's why she knows how to sew. She's a good cook, has a college education, a successful career, a strong sense of self confidence, it must have been the horrible mothering she received. What else could it be? (sarcasm)

Yes, I love this girl, dearly, it would take a long hand written letter of apology, then, 6 months of probation with good behavior for me to let her back into my life.

These things may never come to pass, or they might. 

I don't know. It's no longer a concern, for me.

Her father is a huge influence in her disrespect toward me. He taught her that I was of very low value by the way he treated me. He never stood up to her, to tell her that speaking to me so rudely was wrong. He told her & her siblings, "Your mom never knows what the hell she's talking about." He would tell me, with my children right there, "You're all used up after 4 kids, anyway." Of course, dear daughter can choose her own way. Her fathers verbal abuse of me definitely contributed to her attitude toward me.

Today, I let go of my daughter a little more. I put the beautiful wedding cake topper, the sweet porcelain lamb, the Wonder Woman baby shower figurine, up for sale. Someone who doesn't know the hopes & dreams that one mother had when purchasing these, someone else will love these.

I feel peace

Sending love to my precious daughter

Letting her go........