Here We Go......Again

No, I didn't go to sleep all night, last night. I stayed up, multi tasking. Translating documents, selling extraneous posessions, listening to classical music, having a Netflix all nighter, when the music wasn't doing "it" for me.

The stress of last week makes it impossible to rest. My home is clean, organized, very simply zen. So, no house cleaning therapy for me, I like it simple. As my posessions disappear, I find that my head clears as well. A purging of my former life. Nothing in my home looks even remotely as it did back in the horrible place I moved from to Texas. Texas suits me. Nicer people, more sun!

Trying to sleep would be futile, so, I don't try. 

To add to this, I had to give in. I had to go into the past to gain some comfort. I was FINE, just FINE, until I watched the news footage of Navy Seal SCPO Byers. He was giving his oration of heroes, as he, himself was being inducted as a military hero. It really touched me. Good strong men who give so much to their country, my country, sometimes, giving all anyone can ever give.

Their life.

What struck me was when he talked of The Achangel, Michael and, as a Catholic, what the protection of Archangel Michael meant to him. 

Michael, the warrior angel, the protector of soldiers.

That's when my heart was hit really hard. 

Wishing that Michael, my protector was still here. What would life have been like if he were still alive. Would we have the dream house he wanted to build for me in Georgia? 

A little girl? A little boy? Both? 

Michael the Archangel

Michael my Archangel

Michael my protector, my lion at the gate.

I like to stay in the present moment. When I'm hurting, sleepless, if there's a trigger, umm, I s'pose it triggers. 

All of  those memories, those feelings of being loved, of being known so well, of being safe. Tight body hugs, smiles, a pat on the hiney, the smell of aftershave, his whiskers in the sink, leaving the toilet seat up, made me giggle every time. I think he did it just to hear me laugh. He had to work so hard for my trust. He loved it!

Letting myself lapse into the memories is a luxury I resist. 

Stay in the present moment, Brenda.

Be strong.

You can do this.

You got this, girl!

Michael

Matthew

Michael

Marcus

Michael

Matthew

Michael

Matthew

Michael

It goes through my head in a sound loop. The names he and I loved, that we argued over for when we had our son, his son, okay, okay!

Have to stay focused on the present moment. I still have bills to pay and lots of month left. No money for food if I don't put in the work.

Since ex huzz screwed my finances so badly, I have to do more..

It's a fact of life, I can do this, alone....always alone, my fate in life.

What do you do to cope with the storms of life?

Feel free to leave a comment below.

I won't bite.....hard.